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Demetz

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  1. Demetz

    Finishing College; Moving forward

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    Warning: This blog may contain graphic contact and/or TMI. Read at your own risk.
     
    So this week is my last week of undergraduate school. Papers, exams..... blah. Just so glad to be done with it all.
     
    Saturday I walk the stage, sometime in January I'll have my Bachelor's degree in hand....
     
    From here, I don't know where I'm going to go. I'm still going to apply to the University of Pennsylvania, though I'd rather go to Princeton. I'm going to be applying to a bunch of grad schools actually. I'm also going to be applying for a temporary teacher certification for the state of Florida as a back up plan. The only requirements to get it are to have a bachelor's degree with at least a 2.5 GPA, a teaching job lined up, and to send all the application forms in. If my plans for grad school in public administration don't work out, I'm going to apply to law school and take night classes while teaching to support myself....
     
    I don't really want to be a lawyer, my ambitions for a career in law would be to become a federal judge. I may not be thrilled about the idea of trying cases as a lawyer, but hearing cases and determining a just outcome is something I am both good at and enjoy doing.
     
    My personal life... well... there have been some interesting developments there...
     
    I went out with Gavin a couple times last weekend. Friday night I ended up in a long conversation with his parents about politics before going out to dinner with them. They're independents like me, and I enjoyed talking with them about some public policy issues and the present election cycle. When we got back to Gavin's place I went into his room with him. We played gears of war on the xbox for a while, then popped in an absolutely terrible movie called "going overboard" starring adam sandler. That was okay, though, my interest wasn't really with the movie anyway. That night I gave him his first blow job, which he enjoyed intensely... he almost came in the first minute or so, but I stopped so he could recover a bit. For a brief but very enjoyable time we laid together, his arm around me. I wished I could have gone to sleep like that but I had to get back home.
     
    Saturday we went bowling together... I don't even remember what my score was but I do remember getting four strikes in my second game. I had a lot of fun but I'm not sure Gavin had as good a time. I'm not sure if he just doesn't know how, or just doesn't like to, but he doesn't use the holes in the bowling ball. He actually did pretty good though, considering the form he was using. I thought about throwing off my own game a little bit so our scores would be more even... but I decided against that. Misrepresentation just isn't a good way to go in a relationship. I'm not going to pretend to be someone I'm not. We went back to his place and fooled around for a while...
     
    I was confronted with a couple facts about myself that I can't change. First, I'm a pretty damned horny guy. My sex drive is high enough to the point that there's rarely a time when I'm not interested in sex. Gavin is not like that though. He's actually a little disconcerted to find that my sex drive is so high because his own is not. I assured him though that I wasn't in the relationship for the sex, and he's since told me that he doesn't think its that big of a deal anyway.
     
    The other problem is somewhat... mechanical in nature. Simply put, I'm pretty big around. Gavin is... well, Gavin is how you would expect someone who has never had anal sex before to be. I tried stretching first (and not for a short while), but to no avail. I know if there is more and more frequent stretching eventually I will "fit" but I'm afraid he may have been turned off from it now. I hope not...
     
    He has a friend of his flying down on Sunday, he talked about going to busch gardens... we might go together... we'll see.
  2. Demetz

    Gavin.... :)

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    Today started off like many other days... I woke up, looked around, wondered whether I was already late for class, looked at the clock and saw that I was not, and then was faced with the decision of whether to go, or not to go. I went. I'm glad I did, actually. My microeconomics professor had our exams back... I got a 63 out 100 points. Normally this might be something to feel devastated by. However, as the average grade was in the low 30s, a 31 point curve boosed my grade to a 94... which means I'll have to really screw up on the final to get less than a C for the class.
     
    On my way back to my apartment I stopped by Dr Gibbons office and requested an extension on the paper, and he gave it, no questions asked. Permitting me a bit of cushion with everything thats due between all my classes.
     
    I got a call from Gavin tonight, something I was very glad to receive. Up until this point, it had been me calling him, and him calling me back an hour or so later when he wasn't busy. I was begining to wonder whether I'd been getting too far ahead of myself in how I conceived the relationship. I'm glad to find that I was not. Initiative is something I am happy not to be the only one taking. Its a good feeling... knowing he wants to talk to me... I embrace that feeling, happy in the knowledge he will seek me out as well.
     
    I am struck, in talking with Gavin, at the most basic things about the way he is. I was so accustomed for so long to dealing with someone so different from me in terms of thought patterns... to find someone who thinks clearly and logically in much the same patterns as myself is very... refreshing in a sense. Its... different than I'm used to and... I want to experience more of it. To say I want to spend more time with Gavin is an understatement... we are still getting to know each other and every minute I spend with him I'm left just wanting more.
     
    I find myself missing him already. Soon I'll have graduated and moved back to Bradenton... we'll be able to spend a lot more time together then. I look forward to the time though I cringe to think of the general lack of opportunities we will have for privacy. Gavin has described himself as agoraphobic when it comes to his sexuality... I can deal with that, I can be discrete in public until he's more comfortable in public... but beyond that there's also the matter that neither of us will have our own place, both of us will be staying at our repsective parents' homes. He's closeted to his parents and mine... while more or less accepting of me, are rather uncomfortable with the idea of him and I sleeping (and I mean that in the literal sense and you can extrapolate from there) together at the house.... there's also the brother factor, and the shape he keeps the bathroom in is just embarrassingly disgusting. Needless to say, I'll be looking forward to moving out of my parents house into a place of my own, ASAP. If things go well with Gavin, and they certainly seem to be on the right track, he and I can share a place together and the lack of privacy will no longer be an issue.
     
    Its not just the sex... don't get me wrong, i'm a very virile individual, but its the intimacy that comes with sex among of course various non-intercourse intimate activities that I most desire... and I think that can best be attained in the privacy of one's own home... one not lorded over by parents, that is. I'm looking forward to that intimacy perhaps most of all. Not that I intend to neglect our friendship... quite to the contrary I want to try to find a balance between work-life, intimacy, and more platonic forms of fun so we can maintain friendship while being more than that and live a decent life financially in the process.
     
    Now... as its getting rather late, you'll have to excuse me as I wander off into a hopefully x-rated dream land.
  3. Demetz
    I'll get the rest of my test results back on Friday. I got the results for my HIV test back today: I'm non-reactive. Now, I'm really wishing I hadn't gone to see Dwayne in September because if I hadn't I wouldn't have had to do what I did next.
     
    I left a tagline on my instant messenger relating that I was HIV -. He came online and asked me what the message meant. The rest of the conversation went like this:
     
     
    His status is always set to appear offline so I don't know how much of that he read. I realize the question must have hurt him. I probably could have found a more tactful way of asking it.... I'm crying as I'm typing this because of how much it hurt me to ask it. But as I tried to explain to him... I had to know... I had to be sure beyond any doubt, and as much as it hurt me, with everything thats happened, I just couldn't be certain without asking.
     
    Dwayne, if you're reading this, I'm sorry that question hurt you. That has never been my intention. Someday, I hope you can forgive my doubt.
     
    I called Gavin after talking to Dwayne. I explained to him that my test had come back non-reactive and what that meant. I told him about the conversation I'd had with Dwayne, and I told him that I believe Dwayne told me the truth. Gavin said if I'm satisfied with the answer, then so is he. I hope I never have to go through something like this again.
  4. Demetz

    STD Testing; Sonogram results

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    So today I went in for a consultation, talked with a doctor about various things concerning safe sex, and talked about the various dieseases they could test for and whether I want each of the tests.
     
    I decided to be tested for them all.
     
    Dwayne if you're reading this, I'm not writing it to hurt you... I don't know what I can or can not believe about what happened between us. I have asked you to tell me... its your decision to do so or not. If you leave me to put the pieces together with pieces missing, you know they won't be put together right and I'll resort to conjecutre to fill in the gaps. If you want me to know the "full truth" as you put it... you know I've never ignored you. Just tell me.
     
    Until then,
     
    I don't know what to make of what happened between me and Dwayne. So many things I feel I've been lied to about, I see no reason to trust that I could not have contracted something from him, so I submitted for tests for various stds. I need to know for myself, and I need to know for any future relationship I'm in, that I'm clean. I'll have the results back on Monday.
     
    Some positive news, I talked with the doctor about my sonogram results. They found what I had was a small cyst, and that it was going away and, as far as I can tell, its completely gone now. So, good news: I don't have cancer, and the cyst is gone.
  5. Demetz

    A revealing talk with Dwayne

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    So, tonight, against my better judgment, I went into what I've avoided doing for a long time. Of all the conversations in my head with Dwayne I knew I didn't want to actually say those things to him. Well, tonight against my better judgment I said some, and his reaction was precisely as I predicted it would be... he really doesn't know how to deal with someone emotionally troubled. Eventually though, after blathering on about my feelings and thoughts I said that I was conflicted, and he remarked that he was too. I asked him how and why. The answer was very revealing.
     
    He never stopped loving Heidi, made a promise to her to love her forever. She broke his heart by being more interested in a girl. He found me... no f**king clue anymore what I ever meant to him.
     
    Lots of things that could be said, but here's what I suspect. He was hurting over Heidi and then he met me. I made myself available to him while he was vulnerable over her. He grabbed onto me. He probably honestly did feel for me, but as time passed on, there were certain inevitable truths working against me. I was far away, she was close, she is the mother of his child... to this point it was still worth it to be with me. Over time, for our own reasons, we became emotionally distanced at the same time he was spending more time with her and she has something I can't ever compete with: his son. That's something he has in common with her, no matter else, she will always be the mother of his child. Right in front of him, the woman he gave his heart to and his child he would never abandon... far away... me. She starts getting over the girl she was interested in. Suddenly, her heart is "free" and able to be swept up by him again. He broke up with me to fulfill his promise to love her, nevermind his promises to me.. which my gut interprets as "you were temporary, and she is who I really want to be with, always have and always will" How could I ever compete with that? With her, he has a family, with me, he would likely never be able to live with his child... and he loves the mother of that child anyway. Now that she's apparently open to the idea of taking him back, he doesn't need my love... not when he has her, and I've always told him to choose his child over me if it came to that. I was a temporary replacement for what he could not have. Now he can have it. I'm not needed, was never really wanted. I suppose its ironic... I chose Dwayne in spite of full knowledge there were plenty of other guys in the world... I chose him anyway... he settled for me, though... I was temporary... someone to be with until she would have him again.
     
    That's what I think... tonight anyway. No idea what I'll think tomorrow. Who knows... he may contact me with more revelations about... I don't know.
     
    I don't know what it is he wants me to believe out of this.... "i did not break up with you for Heidi, however i broke up with you because i was still in love with Heidi and i wanted to fulfill a promise"
     
    Maybe its just me, but thats looks like a pretty damned contradictory statement. He didn't break up with me for Heidi... he just broke up with me so he could be with Heidi and fulfill his promise to always love her, never abandon her, and because he's in love with her and not in love with me he believes he'll be happier with her anyway.
     
    Don't kid yourself Dwayne, that amounts to breaking up with me for her... or perhaps more accurately, for yourself you choose to spend your life with her because you think you'll be happier.
     
    I remember your promise to me, Dwayne, the poem may have been lost when my harddrive fried, but I remember well your promise to give me all the love I deserve. Its appropriate that poem was lost in a stirke of lightning.
     
    And... in spite of it all... I can't be angry with him over this... resentful sure, hurt... absolutely... beyond measure, in fact... but I can't be angry with him over this. My hurt is the consequence of my own naivete. Whatever his feelings for me... he loved her too... by all present appearances much more so. And with her, he has his child. I can't blame him for choosing a life with his child and the mother of that child when he thinks she may return his feelings. I may have serious doubts about whether she will be committed to him... certainly she's proven she's not as committed to him as I am... or was... but that doesn't matter. His heart is after her and I am... relegated to... what? I keep saying that he threw me away, he seemed to take objection to that. The statement made him angry in fact. I think he sees being willing to talk to me despite breaking up with me as not abandoning me or throwing me away. When I think about it, rather than just react to it, he's right. He could very easily end all contact with me. I don't even have his phone number anymore since my cell phone was washed. The only means of contact I have is through his e-mail account. All he has to do to be rid of me forever, if thats what he wanted, is change his e-mail.
     
    What am I supposed to think in the wake of all this Dwayne? I don't know where I stand with you... You've made it clear what you don't want with me. What do you want?
     
    I suppose I already know the answer to that sort of... He was ambiguous in his answer, he'd be a friend if I wanted that or he'd be nothing if I wanted that. He's not ambiguous about what I once wanted - we'll never be lovers again, never in love again, because that's not what he wants. He has what he wants with who he really wants it now. In all honesty, after all this, I don't want to get back with him either. I don't know what I want. I do know this much, a good friendship with him is not within my capacity to have... not while I'm still so conflicted over him. In time, maybe... how much time I don't know. I don't want to rule out friendship... I don't want to go out of contact ... I just need time to forget the illusion of what was... or wasn't... the illusion of what could have been, but couldn't ever be.
     
    I keep looking for some lesson to be learned from all this, the only one I've found is one I do not like but can not deny in the wake of these experiences: do not trust in love. Trust your gut over your heart, and don't let dreams cloud reality from your mind. For a while I was willing to argue that all I'd learned was not generalizable, but limited only to Dwayne... but that's not really true.
     
    I put myself out there... a long distance relationship was a mistake, having that realtionship with a felon was a mistake, having a long distance relationship with someone who could not move out of his state of residency was a mistake, entering a relationship with someone who was about to have a child was a mistake, thinking that I could ever fit into that child's life was a mistake, deceiving myself into thinking I had anything to offer that a child could not trump was a mistake, deceiving myself into thinking that it would be perfectly fine for my boyfriend to spend large amounts of time with an ex that he admittedly loved... that was a huge mistake... I shouldn't have ever believed that would be okay. I certainly could not have forbidden it... but thats not the point... I deceived myself thinking that if he loved me it wouldn't be an issue, never seriously questioning that his love for me was greater than any residual feeling for her. I dismissed every rational red flag I had in favor of one premise "He loves me." That was incredibly naive. I've definitely learned that when what I'm being told doesn't match up with what I observe, I'm probably being lied to.
     
    I never belonged with him... it was never a possibility... only an unrealistic, fantastic dream...and I was a fool to ever think it could be true. It was my decision to make myself vulnerable... I may as well have asked for it. Ultimately I'm responsible for all the hurt I've been through. Yet, even so, I can't escape some sense of betrayal.
     
    Where to go from here? A few new rules I'll probably find some occasion to break later but which feel nice to state now:
     
    1) Never again a guy with a pregnant ex-girlfriend
    2) Never again a long distance relationship
    3) Never again a convicted felon
     
    If nothing else.... I think I'm going to be vastly more guarded about my heart, and far more discriminating about whom I pledge everlasting love to. Hopefully, when I'm ready to make a pledge like that again... it will be to someone who will not... let go of it so easily... someone who will value it at least as much as I do. With any luck, they won't have already made such a promise to someone else.
     
    I can say this much... I will never do this to someone else. For a brief spanse of time, I thought it was possible Dwayne and I could get back together... in spite of a previous conviction on my part that I would not take him back after the way he had treated me. But... as that possibility crept into my head, I thought of Gavin. Even with things between Gavin and me as ... new as they are. I wouldn't give up Gavin to go back with Dwayne. Gavin deserves better than that.
     
    I think... if Dwayne and I are going to weather this as friends... I need to know where I stand with him... what his feelings... if any, for me are... I know I'm likely going to say many things in conversation with him that will put any friendship between him and me in jeapordy... I know that will pass if he gives it time. He seems to want on some level to still be friends with me, or he wouldn't have bothered to contact me at all tonight. How much of my... confliction... he's willing to tolerate in order to have that friendship... I don't know. I think though, if he answers honestly the question of what his feelings for me are and where I stand with him... that i can just set the... previous events transpiring between us... aside and, after acting long enough like we'd never been other than friends, hopefully I'll forget I thought we were ever more.
     
    Okay... I need to go to sleep before this headache causes me to go into a coma instead.
  6. Demetz

    Abortion: part 2

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    I would like to clarify that when I posted the previous blog I was highly frustrated for having been chewed out just previously for having an opinion on the issue at all. I have various reasons to be indignant about the events transpiring in that situation, but they're ultimately irrelevant to the issue of abortion and merely relate to the irrationality of the person I was misfortunate enough to speak near.
     
    In spite of that person's protest that as a man I don't have a right to an opinion on the issue, as someone interested in public policy and planning to make a career in that field, I don't have the luxury of not having an opinion on the issue.
     
    The opinion I do have on the issue was rather hastily written in the previous blog, but again, to clarify, my opinion is two-fold, one on what the current policy should be given current circumstances, and the second part concerning what circumstances should be striven toward in order to make way for a more amicable policy.
     
    I'm not going to hide the fact that I don't like the concept of abortion. I also recognize that the decision to have an abortion is not an easy one and for the vast majority of women who undergo the procedure they have many very serious concerns which led them to it. From a policy perspective, I'm disinclined to seek to make abortion simply illegal; now or ever. Rather, at present I would leave it legal, but I would implement such policies as to reduce the frequency of unwanted pregnancies and in time seek to implement laws to regulate the process of allowing an abortion to take place.
     
    To start, a greater public emphasis on family planning through birth control and especially the morning after pill. I have talked to so many people who either were unaware of the morning after pill or had been deceived into thinking it is an abortion pill that its appalling. A public which is well educated on means of birth control and not cornered into the abstinence only nonsense the present administration pushes is key to cutting down on the number of abortions.
     
    The next step policy-wise would be to make it easier for women with unwanted pregnancies to make the decision to bring the baby to term. The first step (as I see it) to doing this is to reform child services so that its a viable alternative rather than the embarrassment that it is. Health care reforms so as to minimize the financial burdens are also necessary. I'm certain there are other things which could be done to make it easier on mothers with unwanted pregnancies to decide to bring the baby to term, but I think you can see where I'm going with this. I would also oppose any policy seeking to create disincentives to abortion rather than incentives to birth.
     
    Whether, should the reforms I speak of be made and the demand for abortions drops dramatically, abortion should then be made illegal... I don't think making it illegal would be appropriate, considering that whatever may be the case in normative society exceptions always abound... but where I think making it illegal outright inappropriate, I also think a consultation and approval by a review board of some form would be appropriate.
     
    I realize some of these positions will be found more agreeable than others, but I think it involves the right amount of compromise to be workable. On the one hand, the frequency of abortions will decline significantly - something the pro-lifers would applaud if we assume they have any integrity whatsoever, and the ability to have an abortion when needed is still preserved, which should appease the pro-choicers. I consider this a reasonable solution to a complicated issue.
     
    Yet, reasonable as I may consider it to be, any such policies would face serious opposition by pro-lifers who are more interested in just stopping people from having sex because their religion scares them into thinking sex is immoral if its not for the explicit purpose of trying to create a child... and on the other side, there are many people who will oppose anything short of on-demand abortions and will see any policy aiming at reducing the demand for abortions as being a threat to the ability to have abortions period.
     
    The middle path is not an easy road... more of a gauntlet on this issue.
  7. Demetz
    I think abortion should be permissible in such cases as where the woman's life is endangered by the pregnancy or when raped. I'm also against elective abortion morally, but unwilling to make it illegal.
     
    I hesitate on the issue of abortion for two reasons: 1) The child is conceived without his or her own consent and is innocent, punishing the child with death for a parent's mistake is cruel. 2) The morning after pill can prevent conception and thus make the question of elective abortion irrelevant... if the couple does not want a child they can preven the pregnancy from ever ocurring in the first place between the various forms of birth control.
     
    However, I recognize that in cases of rape specifically, the woman may be too traumatized to think to get the morning after pill or too conflicted to make the decision to take it. Also, I recognize that so long as the state foster care and adoption agencies are overrun the state can not take on responsibility for the child and so long as that is the case it has no business mandating on its own grounds whether a child shall be brought to term.
     
    Yet, as an especially evil dominating monstrous man I bitterly contest the idea that it should be the woman's choice alone to carry a child to term when the pregnancy comes about as a result of consensual sex. The father should have a say. It takes two people to conceive a child, and its no secret that sex produces children, nor is birth control any mystery. The choice to have unprotected male to female sex is made on the understanding that a pregnancy may occur. Both parties know this, both carry the responsibility of the decision to keep the child or not. If the mother wants to keep the child, there is no question in current society that she should keep be allowed to carry the child to term whether or not the father wants to. Yet if a father wishes to keep the child and the mother wants to abort, the father has no recourse. I see that as injustice. That I see this as injustice apparently makes me an evil sexist pig of a man. If so, I offer no apology for it and embrace it. If the father wishes to have the child and the mother does not, the child should be brought to term, then full custody granted to the father and the mother released from all obligations or right to the child. Similarly, if the woman wants the child and the man does not, then the man should cede all custody to the woman and be free of all obligations to the child. Now I'm a really evil sexist chauvanistic pig.
     
    Of course, all the opinions I've expressed here would be perfectly legitimate if I had a vagina. Alas, I have a cock and balls and am therefore an evil seixt chauvanistic blah blah blah.
     
    When do I, as a man, lose respect for women? When they decide I'm not allowed to have an opinion because I have a different set of genitalia.
  8. Demetz

    New beginnings

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    These past two days have been incredible.
     
    Two days ago, out looking for a new place to live and a job, I meet this woman who wants to pray for me, so I figure why not? It couldn't hurt. Later, while checking out a place for a job, I meet another guy who's looking for a new place, we talk for a few hours and we think we've got a decent business deal worked out to cut down on our costs to find a place to live. He's not gay... he does have a nice body but not all that cute in the face, and kind of a jerk to his girlfriend, but if he can mind his own business and let me mind mine there's not much more that matters. That night, feeling pretty lonely I start looking through the craigslist personals... but I end up backing down from meeting for random one-night-stand sex. Just... too dangerous, and not me at all. I'm kind of proud of myself for not giving in to that.
     
    Yesterday morning, I go back on craigslist looking for apartments/roomates that would be... shall we say, more trustworthy? I find this ad from two girls moving into a three bedroom apartment and looking for a third person. I send them some information about me and they're interested I think I've got a decent shot with this.
     
    I also wander back into the personal ads, and go to the bradenton/sarasota section since I'm spending the holidays there with my parents. I'm not expecting much, but oh did I strike gold
     
    I found a guy... his name is Gaven... who was looking to explore, but more interested in friendship than with benefits. Very cute guy, very talkative. I don't think he's especially attracted to me, and to be honest I don't feel some kind of deep connection to him... but we definitely hit it off as friends. We met up in a park, went for a walk, stopped by some of the most beautiful places in the area, and eventually made our way back to my parents house for some refreshments (water) before going to his house. He has a heated community pool, so we go there, swim around for a while, and the people who are there slowly leave. We finally have the place to ourselves and make our way over to the hot tub.
     
    He was so beautiful... we smiled at each other, looking into each other's eyes, and moved closer... embracing, and finally, sharing our first kiss. There was some more kissing and touching, but he was not very comfortable there because there was someone in the exercise room, which overlooked the pool and hot tub. I'm very accomodating though... I know what its like in those early days of exploring sexuality, so much paranoia about what other people see and think. It may in fact never really go away... I'm still cautious about where and when I let that part of myself show. In truth, there's no way the person in the exercise room could have seen anything we were doing, or probably even recognized that it was two guys doing it... but I know its a mental barrier and I'm very sympathetic to how people (especially dates!) feel.
     
    We decide to leave and go back to his parents' place... his mom insists I have dinner with them and I couldn't decline the offer. They don't know about their son's... inclinations, and as far as they know he and I are friends. That's okay, though... I can be discrete, and my mannerisms don't exactly scream "GAY!" ... though they might perhaps whisper "potential!" to anyone watching for it. They weren't. We had a delicious spaghetti dinner... his mom is either from Italy or first generation descendant and cooks an absolutely delicious spaghetti sauce... far better than any ragu I use. I thanked her for the meal and Gaven and I watched some comedy for a while before going back to the pool...
     
    This time, we had it all to ourselves. We swam for a while, letting him tire himself out... he has a swimmer's build, from, you guessed it - Swimming. When he's ready to do more relaxing, we drew close together again, arms around each other and kissed again.
     
    It just felt so... good... to have that body-to-body contact. We made our way back to the bath tub, where there was more kissing, some grinding, much touching... it was great . After a while, I slipped my hand down the back of his shorts, squeezed him....
     
    >__>
    <__<
     
    You know, to keep this from getting to x-rated, suffice it to say we eventually both lost our shorts, and continued as before, kissing, grinding, rubbing, touching.... eventually, he found his way to positioning himself so his dick was between my legs, underneath my balls, and we began thrusting against eachother. I think I was able to stop him just before he came, but at that point where the body will react to stopping as though it did cum. No need to fill the public hot tub with cum. The way he clung to me at that time, the sound of his voice... it was... serene.
     
    I asked him afterward just how far he wanted to go that night, he said he was just fine with things going as they had... it was getting late anyway, and I had to be home. It was shortly after that I learned I was pretty much his first sexual experience period. The most he had done before me, was to touch a girl through her panties... I think he enjoyed being with me a lot more
     
    This whole episode does put me in somewhat a dillemma though. On the one hand, I'm looking to get a place and a job in Tampa working for the human rights campaign. On the other... Gaven is in Bradenton. I like Gaven, I enjoyed our time together... and I want to spend more time with him, go out on more dates... he's already invited me to go to a pool hall with him (to play pool) or to go bowling... and he says that he hopes I decide to come to Bradenton.
     
    I... don't know what to do.
     
    Something else to reflect on... in my last relationship, I was deeply, passioniately in love... this contributed a lot to the sexual experience... without that component, the experience seems somewhat lacking. I know... I know long term, I want someone to spend my life with, someone who will love me and wants my love in return... I don't think that person is Gaven... but, while this relationship with him may not be what I most want... I think, psychologically, it may be what I need.
     
    Love is.... love is something I know I want... something I will need, in time, to be happy with my life. For now though... I think I need friendship more. Come to think of it... I've needed friendship for a very long time, and thats probably what was most lacking in my last relationship. Two people aren't friends when one refuses to have anything to do with the other for long periods of time... and they certainly aren't lovers.
     
    I... don't know what to think of the relationship I had with Silven. Perhaps I put it best some time ago when I described it as like being in love with a ghost... I don't know what to make of him now. For a long time our relationship didn't consist of anything that could be called friendship, and the time where we were lovers was few and far, far, between... and even when together... either he would blissfully hold me or treat me like my very existence just annoyed him. A few days after he broke up with me, we talked, and I told him I wanted to be friends, and I described what I wanted as friends... it was then that I realized, I wasn't asking him for any more than I always had... and I was never going to get it. It was not much later, during his evasive but all-too-accurate answer, that the nature of our relationship as friends would just make itself known over time, that I realized he and I would never be friends at all... I wasn't worth it to him to keep friendship alive when we were supposed to be lovers... I sure as hell am not worth it to him now. He may, perhaps... from time to time, pass into and out of my life again. That is how he treats his friends... as people who he doesn't mind being around, but could be just as happy without. I can't believe I ever fooled myself into believing him when he said he would be there for me forever.
     
    I... don't like to be a spiteful person... though he has given me much to spite... There is still love for him in my heart, shattered as it is. I still hope he can find some happiness, some peace in his life... Even now... I care for his wellbeing... and for the wellbeing of the son who I will never have.
     
    Now... I have to decide on a new path... I like Gaven... maybe I can convince him to move to Tampa with me...
  9. Demetz

    Doctors visit

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    Okay... so this lump of... whatever the hell it is... it seems to grow and recede and is most prominent when I'm aroused. Guess what I'm NOT when in an office with an 80 year old asian doctor I can barely understand? I could still find the lump, but it was so small the doctor couldn't... an no matter how much he rolled my balls around in his hand or played with my shaft, my arousal level was not budging and the lump was gonna hide indefinitely.
     
    So... doctor couldn't find it to diagnose it and has me coming back in on wednesday... If I didn't have more classes today I would be throwing down some cold ones about now...
  10. Demetz

    Cancer

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    When I was sixteen, my Grandfather died of cancer to the lungs, liver, and kidneys. On Friday I found out my mom has skin cancer and is undergoing treatment. That night, I realized I have a lump on my right testicle... non painful.
     
    According to what I've been able to find out, there are five things which can cause a non-painful lump.
    1) Varicocele - some kind of inflamation of the veins, which is supposed to feel like a bag of worms... which does not fit the description of what I have.
     
    2)Hyrdococele - basically a bag of water that ends up in the scrotum; usually in infants... I'm not an infant and this is attached to the testicle itself, not floating around in the scrotum
     
    3) Hernia - I haven't had one of those.
    Hydrococele
     
    ... those are what I've ruled out. There are apparently only two other things that cause a non painful lump. One is a spermatocele, the other is a cancerous tumor. The free clinic doesn't open again until monday morning. I will be there when it opens, classes be damned.
     
    A spermatocele generally fits the descriptiion, its supposed to basically be like a bag of dead sperm attached to one end of the testicle. What doesn't seem to fit though is that it feels hard, kind of like a mini choclate chip. One of the diagnostic tools is apparently to shine a flashlight through to see if it transilluminates or is opaque... my little key chain flashlight must not be bright enough though because while it could shine through the scrotum, it couldn't through the testicle.
     
    Flip a coin: heads you live, tails you die... thats a quote from some movie, but it seems to have some real relevance here. If this is a spermatocele, then I'm going to be just fine, and won't need any kind of treatment unless it grows to the point of being severely uncomfortable. If its cancer.... my insurance expires when I graduate in December. If I drop a class, I'll keep the insurance until my next birthday... giving me an extra three and a half months. If I'm not cured by then, I'm going to die.
     
    Thats something real rough to come face to face with... for the past year I've been going to classes... making big plans for grad school and a stunning carreer taking blighted cities and reinvigorating them through progressive policies... making big plans to leave this place I'm at, move to another state to be with the man I love so much... all of that can disappear tomorrow with just three words "Its a tumor."
     
    I spent most of this past day sleeping... now I'm probably going to be up all night... 30 hours and twenty minutes from now as I type this, I'm going to walk into the clinic. An hour, maybe two later I'm going to know rather I'm going to spend the rest of my life fulfilling all those big dreams, or living in a hospital until my insurance expires.
     
    Its... agonizing...
     
    I have papers to do... is there any point... was there ever? My decisions have always been based on the assumption that I'm going to live to be an old man... so I've spent the past four years going to college instead of out living. I haven't drowned my liver in parties, I've never smoked... cigarettes or weed... I've never done any drugs for that matter. All to stay healthy...
     
    I've been exercising a lot... one of my goals was to have six pack abs at least long enough to take a picture of... so when I grew old I'd be able to look back and remember....
     
    I'm not ready to die... I want to live...
  11. Demetz

    Running away with me

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    So last night I did what I've wanted to do metaphorically in a literal way. I ran. And Ran. And kept right on running. It was pouring rain out. I went anyway. Lightning striking all over the place. Sun set well below the horizon. I kept running. Soaken wet, heart pounding, foot numbing I stopped and walked long enough to so I could feel my foot again and catch my breath, then I ran some more. And ran, and ran. I ran right past the road I was supposed to turn down and didn't realize it for a half mile. I turned around and made my way back, until I got to the road I take back to my apartment. After six miles, the sky chose then to close up and go calm. No more lightning, no more rain. Just a wet, tired, mind-numbed me. Removing my soaked through shoes and squeeging out my socks, I walked barefoot the rest of the way back to my apartment. I didn't dare try the stares, opting instead for the elevator, and two stories higher I trapsed through the hall, and wandered into my apartment. I stared into the mirror, amazed at how good I look when wet and exhausted, despite all the internal misery. But I think that's the point. Though I thought about the hell I'm going through... I just kept going until I could think of nothing but where my next steps were taking me. I think that was somewhere after mile four... That's a long way to go to put something out of my mind, which itself I suppose is symptomatic of who I am... a long way for relief that lasts only so briefly.
     
    I cooked dinner in nothing by my boxers, had a couple drinks to celebrate my triumph, and went to sleep to wake up to a day with all the same troubles I had before, with the additional joy that comes from sore back muscles.
  12. Demetz

    Sometimes...

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    I am only your boyfriend some of the time.
    The rest of the time I am nothing.
    My voice has no words
    My mind is without content
    My heart has no value
    I exist, as only a broken shadow in your mind.
    For I am only your boyfriend some of the time.
     
    I look back through my blogs here, public and private... I look back through e-mails, many I never sent... I look back over my life and for so... so long I have been unhappy - in a desperate struggle with my boyfriend to get him to show the love he once did.
     
    I never win that struggle.
     
    Why do I still bother? I don't even know anymore.
     
    Real happiness is only a shadow of a dream I had a long time ago.
  13. Demetz

    Never making it to shore.

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    This poem is straight from the heart, very emotional, very metaphorical, and possibly tear jerking. You've been warned.
     
    I was walking across a rope bridge
    Behind me, my life without you
    Before me, the day I move in with you
    Below me, no rivine, nor rushing stream
    Below me lay a vastly wide river
    Moving warm and slow
    To nowhere I'd rather go
    Than the other side.
     
    You were standing on the other side
    When I saw you disappear,
    And a moment of confusion crossed my mind
    When you returned, axe in hand
    And with one swift movement
    You cut cleanly through the ropey rail
    And I picked up my pace.
     
    You turned to cut through the other rail
    As I shouted "Wait, please, don't!"
    And my balance in our relationship
    Was lost with your next stroke.
     
    Calling on my deepest will,
    I continued forward faster still
    I could not understand why
    You had done what you did
    But I knew I loved you still.
     
    And you ran out to me
    And held my hand
    I thought to guide me across
    It made so little sense
    What you had done
    But your love again I felt
     
    Until once more I was surprised
    As you shoved me over...
    Or at least you tried.
    I clung to that path and pulled myself up
    As you turned back around to view your work
    Again, on the other side.
     
    And still I walked that path.
    Striving ever to be with you again
    You Called out to me
    "What are you waiting for"
    And I steadied myself
    Sensing briefly the love
    I could no longer be sure of
    And Continued along the path.
     
    Till once again,
    with a malicious grin
    Out came the axe from hell
    Severing another tie
     
    With terror in my eyes
    Betrayal rocking my heart
    No path remained, only a thin line
    I grabbed ahold of that line
    And held on for dear life
    Though it would be so easy to just let go
    The warm waters of a calm river of life
    That seems never to lead to you
    Threaten only my heart
    A heart already wounded
    But a stubborn heart, unwilling to lose
    I could not give up the dream of being with you.
     
    I begged you "Please!" Hoping you would understand
    Begging you not to take my last guide away.
    And as though you could not hear
    As though you did not know
    As if it all was completely sane
    The axe of hell struck once again.
     
    And even in those comforting waters
    Leading everywhere but where I wanted
    I swam on in your direction
    And like a fool to you I shouted
    "Throw out the preserver"
    And to it you did go.
    You picked it up, examined it
    And chucked it just for show.
    My heart lept and clenched
    within the space of five beats
    As that little ring flew up,
    and landed out of reach.
     
    Sadness coursing through my veins
    I called out to you again
    Not knowing just how far I'd have to swim
    I hoped you'd come yourself
    Meet me halfway.
    You smiled at me and laughed out loud
    As the river met the bay.
     
    I swim on in shark infested waters
    I know not love
    I know not hope
    My heart has lost its way
    In an ever wider bay.
     
    I find it wider but not deeper.
    My feet even touch the bottom.
    I could go anywhere from here
    Only the sharks here to beware.
    But in my heart I do not care.
    Without my Love it does not matter
     
    Light turns to dark,
    and all around there's not a sound
    only the light flutter
    of so many other ways to go
    On my back, I look at the stars
    So beautiful and oh so far
    And I exit the bay, into an ocean of tears.
     
    I am no longer alone. You are here now.
    But you can not see me.
    You can not hear me
    You rendered me invisible,
    My vocal cords inaudible
    And together like this
    We will never reach the shore.
  14. Demetz

    Christian forgiveness

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    I found myself in a discussion with one of those adamantly believing Christians. Initially I merely expressed somewhat incoherently the failure of religion to support my mom. You see... every few years my mom starts going back to church because she feels she can not cope with life otherwise. For a while she'll feel great having been "forgiven" for her sins. Then she'll feel guilty for not imposing christian "values" upon myself and my brother and for not having consistently imposed them on herself. This has usually resulted in her enacting new restrictions on us, a big argument between her and my self, her and my brother, her vs me and my brother, and her vs my dad. Eventually we'll come to a compromise, her guilt will be assuaged and with time the retrictions will elapse as her spiritual crisis recedes. The most recent bout of this started some time last year when her grandmother died and she was reminded of how much of a spiritual inspiration her grandmother had been. The difference this time is that she could not exert control over me since I'm an adult, and what control she might think to exert over my brother is immediately rebuffed by his extremely defiant nature. She expressed concern that she never taught me or my brother christian religion well enough... I deflected that right away by recounting the basics of christian theology but didn't really assuage her concern because I still reject it. My brother on the other hand... well... lets just say that his knowledge of Christianity is limited to that such a thing as christianity exists and it must be right, but he has no interest in actually finding anything out about it. As the normal means for phasing out her spiritual woes is not going to work this time, I don't know how long it will take for her to get back to normal, or even if she will. One thing of great concern to me is her adherence to doctrine without any reasoning.
     
    I have discussed with her homosexuality and the bible, we went through the rounds of leviticus being overruled by the coming of Jesus, Jesus himself never discussing homosexuality at all, and the origins of those passages condemning homosexuality in the new testament being dubious as best. After all that I asked her why she would still have a problem with homosexuality if by her own admission there is not sound basis for opposition to it on biblical terms. It was like she'd forgotten the past hour of discussion, because her answer was "because I have faith in the bible." She is willing to allow her faith in a book whose messages in question are of dubious origin to supercede her relationship with her son, and here's the kicker, among the reasons she "needs" religion is because she's having difficulty with her relationship with her son.
     
    Is there something I'm missing here, some additional factor I'm not considering as to why blind reasonless faith should supercede real life family?
     
    In any case... I'm digressing from what I intended to talk about, which is the Christian concept of forgiveness.
     
    The Christian way as it was defined to me in that discussion was "knowing that we've been forgiven through the blood of Christ and we by God's grace we are able to become better people because of that."
     
    I took objection to that. Many, including myself, find it to be the epitome of immorality to let an innocent man take the blame and the punishment for one's own moral faults and would find a religion based on the idea of the perfectly moral jesus dying for their sins to be abhorrent and refuse to thrust their sins upon an innocent or anyone else, preferring instead to take personal responsibility for their moral failures to such an incredibly immoral action. I maintain that I was not a party to the death of jesus nor am I automatically subject to the covenant made by him suffer for the sins of those who would thrust them upon him, nor will I enter into such an arrangement even after the death itself has taken place as doing so would still be to reap rewards from an cowardly and artificial cession of responsibility.
     
    The other side of christian metaphyiscs presents a God whose duty is to punish the wicked and apparently anyone who doesn't beg him not to punish them is considered wicked, regardless of what or how many sins they have committed while those who do beg him to withold punishment are granted a complete amnesty.
     
    We are punished for our sins but not through divine torment. We are subject to the consequences of immoral behavior through earthly means (for example, a liar no longer being trusted) and spiritual means as our consciences demand better of us and demand that we rectify our misdeeds. No one can take away those consequences simply for the asking. No forgiveness from god will mean a thing to someone who has not forgiven himself, nor will forgiveness from god be of importance to one who has already forgiven himself. God is not necessary for forgiveness nor redemption. My mom never forgave herself for a number of things in her life, and all the prayer over the years, all the things she's thought god wanted her to do to make up for it never took away the fact that she did it and she has never gotten over it. God's forgiveness meant nothing to her because she never forgave herself; God's forgiveness means little to me because I know those wrongs which I have committed can never be assuaged by someone who was not a party to them and those wrongs which have already been rectified require nothing further.
     
    The contrary thesis, that it is God's divine right to exact spiritual punishment through eternal torment upon anyone who does not beg his forgiveness and his assistance in rectification of their wrongdoings is disgusting to me. If this approach to metaphysics is correct, I would sooner opt for eternal torment and lead a rebellion against the great oppressor that is god than to cower before and praise so unjust and unworthy a would-be redeemer.
  15. Demetz
    I can't tell you how many countless times I have played a game on the computer instead of doing something far more important. Usually the something far more important has been studying. I'm strongly considering handing my computer to a roommate and asking him to hide it from me until the semester is over so I won't have the temptation anymore.
     
    I'm taking in five weeks a number of classes that would normally be taken over the course of four months. I should be studying instead of playing games. I know that. I think that even when I'm playing the games. I keep playing anyway. Does that make me an addict? As I understand addiction, its where one's habitual practice becomes detrimental and the person can't change even though they may want to. If there such a thing as being addicted to something other than drugs... for me it would seem to be these games. It doesn't even matter what games... I can delete every real game from my computer and I'll still play solitaire. I might be well away from my computer, and I'll pull out my phone and start playing tetris.
     
    I really don't know what to do... other than to work readjusting my willpower so that the will to not play can over take the will to lethargy.
  16. Demetz
    I was referred to a video which supposedly justified the sactioned murder of homosexuals by Islamic law. Naturally I was skeptical.
     
    http://islamictube.net/view_video.php?view...dd8fe4e481144d8
     
    My skepticism was well warranted.
     
    I do have to give the man credit for his discussion of the matter of homosexuality's naturalness. Indeed, humans are above the animal world because we have systems of morality and ethics and we can not govern our behavior by the idea that anything animals do is perfectly okay for us to do. One thing I like about his commentary on this matter is that the reasoning used discounts both the "homosexuality is natural and therefore okay" and the "homosexuality is unnatural and therefore bad" arguments, even if he only mentions the arguments in support of the former proposition. I was also mildly amused at a religious person attacking what is in reality a counterargument to a religious proposition - that homosexuality is unnatural- by essentially arguing the original proposition had no merit in the first place.
     
    He then discusses biological causes for homosexuality since it would be incomprehensible that a loving god would pass divine condemnation on homosexuals for their homosexuality if it weren't their fault. First he addresses proposed biological causes, then argues against the second half of this very premise.
     
    In the first contention of this issue, the matter of glandular causes, he refers to a study showing that a certain gland in homosexuals was more like that in the opposite sex than those of their own sex, which would support the idea that their homosexuality was caused by their having a biologically different makeup. He makes what I consider to be a valid criticism in that since the study involved all postmortem examinations it could not be shown that the differences in glands were the cause of homosexual behavior or the effect of it.
     
    In the second contention on this issue he addresses a study which claimed to have identified a gay gene. Criticisms of this study included that there was no control group, results were not reproducible, someone working on the study later claimed to have fixed the results, and the head of the study was gay and this compromised his neutrality since he would presumably have a vested interest in the results.
     
    At this point he strays from the issue at hand to launch into a diatribe about AIDS being divine judgment upon homosexuals and anyone who engages in sexual behavior outside of marriage. Of course this ignores the fact that it can be acquired through blood transfusion or through needles used for vaccinations when proper sanitary procedures are not followed.
     
    He later launches into a valid argument that people, regardless of whatever their biological inclinations may be, are also subject to free will. They can decide not to engage in morally reprehensible behavior even if they have natural urges to engage in them. The task, then, is to demonstrate that homosexuality is such a morally reprehensible behavior, which he attempts to do (in a subtle compromise of intellectual integrity) by lumping it in with adultery and pedophilia as well as by declaring it to be a danger to the family. He does not actually defend the premise that homosexuality is a danger to the family. The closest thing to such a defense was his mentioning that Islam separates boys from girls as well as boys from boys and girls from girls when they near the age of puberty because incest is wrong, following this up by also saying that homosexuality is wrong and is brought about when that type of incest is engaged in and then homosexual behavior supported by children later exploring with other children at school. It is true that incestuous relationships are damaging to the family, but this unfounded assertion that homosexuality is derived from incestuous childhood relationships is garbage.
     
    The primary argument made in this video as justification for the murder of homosexuals is as follows:
     
    1 Islam promotes the family above all else
    2 Behaviors which threaten the family must be punished severely by death
    3 Homosexuality threatens the family
    Therefore: Homosexuality must be punished with death
     
    There are various problems with this argument including that that the third premise is not proven nor is the second premise necessarily true.
     
    Concerning premise 2, the most obvious flaw is that by executing persons who engage in some of the behaviors one may be causing far more harm to the family than the behavior itself. An adulterous father, for instance, is of even less use to his family if he is deceased and unable to provide for them.
     
    Given the overall nature of this discussion, my approach to premise 3 will be more extensive as it more directly speaks to the issue of homosexuality.The typical arguments in support of this premise are as follows (please feel free to pose other arguments as to how homosexuality threatens the family, I'll be happy to address them or if I am unable to, to concede this point):
     
    1 Homosexuals can not reproduce and are therefore unable to form families.
    - This argument fails because: A homosexual couple may adopt or otherwise make arrangements to procreate, maintaining custody of the child. There is no proof that homosexual couples are less capable of raising children than than heterosexuals and there is substantial evidence to support the proposition that homosexuals are capable of effectively raising children.
     
    2 Homosexuality implies adultery, which is inherently damaging to the family.
    - This argument fails because: homosexuals are perfectly capable of maintaining fidelity to each other. The very fact that homosexuals are pursuing marriage rights is proof that homosexuals can be in long lasting stable loving relationships.
     
    What threat, then, does homosexuality actually pose to the family? None. Is it outside of the Islamic structure of a family, yes... but it does not inherently damage families. Rather, the fact that homosexual couples are perfectly capable of raising families is a direct threat to the assertion of Islam that the Islamic family structure is the only success-able one and by extension a threat to Islam in general.
     
    Believing he had provided a sound argument that homosexuality is a threat to the family, he moves on to the punishment itself. There is no effort to hide the fact that Islam orders the murder of homosexuals. However, there is an attempt here to make such sanctioned murder seem less barbaric by mentioning that Islam requires 4 witnesses to a person's homosexual activity or a confession before the murder may be carried out. This is not unlike other arguments that "Its okay if you keep it discrete" but lets face it... if people being aware of it happening means you're subject to murder then no, its not okay.
    So in conclusion... there still is no sound argument for the murder of homosexuals as its sanctioned by Islam since
    -homosexuality is not the threat to the family that Islam claims it to be and
    -murdering homosexuals is an actual harm done to families.
     
    Also, concepts such as compassion for the sick are still beyond the ability of this brand of religious thinker to grasp.
     
    Signing out with great fatigue since its now 4:20am,
    Doubly Dead Deme (under sharia law)
  17. Demetz

    General plan for education

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    On the financial side I'm looking at loans, loans loans.
     
    I'll be taking four courses this summer, and another five in the fall to complete my bachelor's by december.
     
    In January '08 I will start graduate school. I will be completing it as quickly as possible, since I'll be taking out loans to pay for it and live off of. Five courses in the spring, four over the summer, and five more in the fall will have all my coursework finished in one year. Spring of '09 will see me doing my thesis and my internship, as well as working full time. By may of '09 I'll have a master's in hand and be looking into starting a career.
     
    There is another, very slim possibility. I've looked at several colleges in the area where my boyfriend is currently living, working, and going to school. In doing so I found the closest one to Silven which offered a program that I would be interesed in was Princeton, of all places. I'm going to try between now and December to build up a record worth even applying to the school, my biggest hurdle is probably going to be coming up with a substantial professional reccomendation as I do not at this time have professional experience in my field of interest. Its a goal I'm going to shoot for, and if I do get accepted it would mean no fast-tracking through the program like I intend to do at USF, it would be a full two year program. If nothing else, I can shoot for Princeton with USF as my back up, because if I can even come close to getting accepted to Princeton I'll be sure to be accepted into the USF program. Another bonus is that Princeton has a philosophy of offering scholarships, not loans, so going there might actually be far cheaper in the long run since I wouldn't be borrowing so much money to get my education. Then of course there's the Ivy League aspect... I find it hard to believe I'd find it difficult to start a career with a hefty salary if I have a master's degree from Princeton University.
     
    Looking again at the pragmatic aspect, should I succeed at getting into Princeton, I would be approximately an hour away from Silven, rather than a $200-450 plane trip away from him I'd be looking at ~$50 round trip train tickets. A much better proposition than what I'm looking at now.
     
    Its a slim possibility, I know... but I think its worth it to try.
  18. Demetz

    Grad school... a far off dream

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    ... that may forever remain so.
     
    Its not that I couldn't do the coursework, I could. Its not that I can't complete all the prerequisites... I can. Its not that I lack the ambition to try courses actually requiring thought, or that I lack the writing ability to do a master's thesis. I excel at analysis and have no problem writing.
     
    Its that I don't have the funds to sign the check to the school, nor is my credit history sufficient enough to merit borrowing against my soul. I would have to borrow someone else's soul to borrow against, a "cosigner" as they're called, because mine is not valuable enough. Great, fine... except no such cosigner exists. My parents are drawing the line at getting me to a bachelor's degree and apparently have no interest in helping any further.
     
    Perhaps I'm badly mistaken but I really don't see myself going anywhere with my bachelor's in political science. It fills the prerequisite for the Master's in Public Administration, my actual goal, and this may be my own misperception but beyond that I don't place much value on it. With a bachelor's in political science I can go back to my job at 7-Eleven cashiering my way to being able to eat and maybe live in a shack of an apartment instead of a homeless shelter. Gee. How fulfilling.
     
    The good news is that eventually the government will recognize that my parents aren't going to pay any more toward my college education... not for several years after I've completed my bachelor's and been wasting time living in poverty forgetting anything I learned in four years worth of college, also enough time for my professors to forget me or enough about me that it would not be right for them to sign letters of reccomendation for me to get into grad school.
     
    I can't even get married and evade those rules that way.
     
    Here's the really fun part... I've still got till december before my bachelor's is finished, but as I find myself with less and less hope for getting into grad school its also difficult to continue giving a damn about the bachelor's degree who's only purpose was to get me there.
     
    Yeah... I'm feeling crappy, disillusioned, frustrated etc. In a bad mood and feeling generally pessimistic. Hopefully I'll snap out of it and not completely kill my chances at grad school by ****ing up my GPA
     
    Cheers to the world, I'm about to go step outside of consciousness for a while and hope I feel better in the morning.
  19. Demetz

    morning

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    My professor of literature and the occult, Dr Heim, died this past weekend, may he rest in peace. He knows now the truth of what he spent most of his life seeking out.
     
    In the meantime, I have a new professor, with a very different attitude about how to run the class. Dr. Heim had an awesome policy: tardy? what is that? Attendance? -bleh, people come or they don't thats their business and what matters is if they know the material come exam time... which is also their business. My new professor, Dr Moss, insists that we attend every day and if we're not on in class by the time she takes attendance we're considered absent. Absence results in point deduction from either the paper or the (one) exam. This policy would be no big deal to except for the simple fact that the class is at 9:30am... and I'm lucky if I get to sleep by 2 most of the time. As a result of this policy... I woke up in time today to... take care of a personal problem, thrown on my clothes, gel my hair so I wouldn't appear as a mad man and go to class. Notice the lack of any mention of breakfast in there. Or a shower, something else I prefer to have before going to class. So Im making do for now with an empty stomach and deoderant. I can deal with no shower for a while, but damn it I need food! - this means I'll be dropping by the burger king and be late for my next class.
     
    Need... foooood.....
  20. Demetz

    Gay candidate for political office?

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    I have often considered the possibility of running for political office. I know that inevitably any run for office would mean my sexuality would be brought up. Today I saw this comment in response to a question "would you vote for someone who is gay" and it irked me enough that I ended up writing out the rest of this blog entry
     
     
    Apparently it nowhere crossed his mind that candidate x's gayness may not be an issue by the choice of candidate x.
     
    I happen to be gay, I have a long term relationship with a man. We have a son. Lets say I happen to run for a political office. I will not hide my family, it is ridiculous and insulting to me and to the electorate that I should be expected to - not to mention the inevitable media discovery and scandal that would follow if I attempted to go that route. The media sees a gay political candidate and runs the story: gay man runs for office, has support of loving life partner (or god forbid: husband) and son, followed by a quote from me to the effect of "my sexuality shouldn't have anything to do with this race" and a couple lines each about issues that are important to me, like strengthening the economy, reducing crime, and decreasing the rate of poverty in the city as well as what steps I would take to achieve those goals.
     
    Do you know how far the fundamentalist people read? "Gay candidate with a son" is all they would care about. By the following sunday afternoon I would be devil incarnate pedophile whose child should be taken away by the state in the minds of 3/4 of the religious population. That kind of vicious slander would continue throughout the election and probably my entire political career and my son and husband/partner w/e would likewise be attacked through most of their lives. How should I respond to this, or should I respond to it at all?
     
    When attempting to answer the last of those two questions, should I respond to it at all, not responding may encourage them to continue and make more vicious verbal assaults on my personal character and that of my family but it may eventually result in them filing the "issue" away in the back of their minds to be fumed upon at some other time and eventually die out altogether. As much as I may hope that last bit would ring true and quickly, the reality is gays have been hated by these people for a very long time and they won't give up that hatred for several if not many generations to come. If I do respond to their accusations a couple things happen: first, and this is the most unfortunate effect, I acknowledge that their assertions are worth responding too but second, I can refute their accusations and make them look like fools and expose them for the malicious people they are... however this has the negative effect of turning my sexuality into an issue which takes away time to address far more important things.
     
    Also important to consider is the ethical implications of running for election at all... doing so means my family will be dragged through the mud and not temporarily either if I'm at all successful as a politician. Is it right to drag them through that?
     
    So what should I do in this (currently hypothetical) situation?
    As for how I believe I would respond to this situation... I'll post my own answers later, for now I'm interested in hearing what GA thinks.
  21. Demetz
    A few things to go over... I'll start with the more depressing so I can leave off on a high note.
     
    Well, I've been out to much of my family for several months now. The only one I can see ever actually accepting me is my dad. With my mother... any time the subject of Silven or the baby comes up I get an icy cold vibe from her. My guess as to why: she's attending a pentecostal church. There is no room in a good pentecostal family for a gay son, much less a gay son's boyfriend and his son - and its pretty clear that's how she intends to view it. My son is not her grandson in her eyes so far as I can tell. I'll warn you now this entry will involve more than a hint of bitterness on my part. I will get over that bitterness though. They can play the part of Ice Queen from here on out it will not change what I feel for Silven, or the warmth in my heart when I see Alexander, our baby. Their frozen hearts will only repel me from them.
     
    I keep trying to talk to my grandma. She ends each conversation with something she has to do. Thinking about this I've come to a realization tonight. My grandmother's presence in my life has been consistent: one or two weeks out of the year when she would visit us or we would visit her. In this way she is more a part of my family than my other grandparents (not including my father's father, may he RIP); however, it seems that this was or is the extent of her wish to be involved in my life. I have tried over and over again to talk to her. She will talk for a little while, then come up with a reason to stop. She has to go to bed (really... adults can choose to stay up late once in a while, especially during an important conversation), or she has to go to the store, or she's arranging for her "friend" Jim to come over (Jim has been her 'friend' since as long as I can remember, would not surprise me at all if they had a ****buddy relationship going on, which would embarrass the hell out of her good christian image... especially after two failed marriages... and she dares say we gays are somehow stealing marriage from "them" the good christians). The point is, I her grandson am not particularly important and I her gay grandson am just going through a phase that if she just pretends isn't real will go away.
     
    Fine. She can keep playing the fool. She can keep pretending she doesn't hear what I'm saying when i talk to her over the phone. She can pretend she didn't get the pictures I send her via instant messenger when I have the log of transmission right in front of me. She can go ahead and pretend that gay Ash does not exist for all I care at this point. Its her loss. It hurts me to say that, it hurts me to realize that this woman who claims she loves me actually loves a pretend me that isn't who I am, and it hurts me to have to face the probable course I will have to take of likewise pretending she isn't my grandmother.
     
    I say I have to take this course because if I keep spending my energy, keep laying my heart open to be ripped up, I won't be able to keep my sanity. I can't and I won't let myself keep getting hurt by her.
     
    I fear I will also have to take this approach to dealing with my mom and for that matter, many of those I've called family over the years. My mom wants to be my mom... but its pretty clear she doesn't want to accept that I love Silven and the baby... or maybe not. There's still hope for her, I think, but one of the biggest enemies of that hope is the church. A good pentecostal woman does not encourage their gay son to be gay.
     
    Church... its never a good thing with my mom. She starts out by thinking if she goes there she'll be able to fill some void in her heart. She'll go and feel better for a time, then she'll get depressed at what a horrible person she/her family is. With regard to me specifically... its no secret that christians don't have the most open hearts when it comes to gays. I can only hope she quits going to that place and starts thinking to herself instead of letting preachers think for her. She recently attended a baptist service which worried me even more. Baptists don't exactly have a good reputation when it comes to accepting gays. Well, apparently she didn't care for the service because the preacher was babbling on about how evolution really is a religion or some nonsense like that. I honestly hope she quits looking to any church for "guidance" and just examines the facts instead. But hey, I'm a fan of using reasoning to deal with morality rather than abandoning oneself to the concept of an all-powerful all-correct being handing one a book with all the answers in it.
     
    Yeah... I'm less than appreciative of religion. I'd rather evaluate religious texts as I would any philosophical essay than pretend the books are divine. They're not. People wrote them. Other people copied them. More people translated them. Every step of the way PEOPLE made decisions about what went into them. People are not infallible (and lets please not get into rather or not god is fallible when his very existence is questionable). The amount of pain caused to families by religion, the amount of violence wrought upon this world by religion is, frankly, disgusting. Would the world be better without religion: hell yes. Note I'm not talking about spirituality. Can meditating or praying help one to reach some internal peace? - absolutely. When I speak of religion though, I speak of dogma and the overriding urge by many religions to force their morality on others. Enough of that subject though. There are enough essays on this already.
     
    What I'm going to end up doing, with respect to my family, is a combination of what my dad and his sister did. I'm going to move away. I'm going to take after my father by working hard to be successful in whatever carreer I choose to go with, and do everything I can to help raise our child, Alex, and maybe another child some day. I will take after my aunt in this regard: those members of my family who don't accept me - let them rot. I will still regularly contact my dad and talk with him. I will talk to my mom or grandmother or the others if they call me but will not bend over backwards to try to get them to accept me nor go out of my way to contact them when all it does is reillustrate that they don't want to be a part of my life. I have my own life to deal with and if they don't want to be a part of it because I'm too gay for their christian beliefs to handle then fine. I wish them the best in whatever lives they choose to lead rather I'm welcome in them or not.
     
    In other news.... i'm so sick of my roommates right now its ridiculous. Three of them have been smoking weed all semester - in the apartment - and I'm sick of smelling the stuff and sick of wondering what's going to happen when they get caught and my name is on the lease if I don't turn them in. I told them to get rid of the stuff, and they're already smoking it again. They've also stolen from me. I left two cases of water at the apartment before I left for PA, both of them were gone when I got back and the ***holes left the empty case under my bed.... after stealing my hangars (which I've since taken back). Today I got some take out and put it in the fridge, not two hours later i go back and the top of the box has been ripped off and my sandwhich has been eaten. You know what? f**K them. My tolerance for their shit is gone. My patience will hold out... just long enough for them to do the ultimate stupid thing (again) and all go into one of the rooms and start smoking the weed. When they do I will contact the RA, she will have them arrested, and that will be the end of that.
     
    Is it a little cutthroat on my part? Maybe. But you know what? You don't do stuff to annoy someone who has that kind of power and you damned sure don't leave him stranded at the airport when you said you were going to pick him up! What was their excuse? Too high. Another room mate told me that was a lie and he was just being a jackass.
     
    Well congratulations jackass, you've arranged for your own damned deportation. Did I mention one of them is here from Brazil on a student Visa?
     
    My roomates are disgusting. The bathrooms are beyond redemption, nasty beyond belief. There was an inch wide shitring in the toilet (until I cleaned it) and the sink looked like it belonged in an abandoned gas station rather than an appartment with five people. The mirror is covered in some nasty film I don't want to even guess at. The shower? the floor is so disgusting you have to put your sandals on before you step out of it or you're likely to pick up bioweapon grade bacteria before you get back to your room. The Kitchen? I don't use it because I have a meal plan. Good thing to because I sure as hell am not cleaning that smelly disaster. The refrigerator? -Likewise the probable nesting ground of bioweapon grade bacteria. Absolutely, unforgivably disgusting. Did I mention they drip? When they pee, the last couple drops or so drip on the floor. Guess whats never been cleaned up?
     
    Yuck.
     
    I know I said I was going to leave off on a high note, and I was going to talk about a couple of very nice things, but I'm worked up already about the bad stuff so I'll save the good for another blog entry.
  22. Demetz

    Flight

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    Last night, some of you may have witnessed me throwing a bit of a temper tantrum and a subsequent pity party. I believe it went something along the lines of "f**kING f**k f**k BANK OF AMERICA THoSE SHITS" followed whimpering as I tried to pull myself together and deal with the situation.
     
    What happened: I had the perfect itinerary and at a cost just meeting my budget. The problem was I did not have enough money actually in the bank at the time, so I had to make a deposit. Unfortunately, they only gave me credit for half of that deposit until it was too late to book that flight. The flight itself had disappeared from the online databases at priceline, travelocity, and USAir, and nothing approximating it was available anywhere else. Well... I found other times that could work for me among various carriers, unfortunately the cost was too high. Finally I called USAir and asked them about the flights... they confirmed they could put me on them... for a hundred dollars more than the price listed just one day before. I was having a bit of a panic attack at that time, trying to figure out how to work this. Finally I decided to go ahead and call Silven to try to figure out a new itinerary.
     
    Having got ahold of him I brought Priceline back up and put in the information for the flight I was looking for. I did a double take. I found an itinerary for a flight I had looked at earlier but had decided against in favor of one that would cut three hours out of my flight time. Now I'll be arriving at 930pm instead of 615pm, but at least I'll be there on the day that I want to be. The kicker.... I had just been on the phone with someone from USAir who told me there was nothing cheaper than 387, not but a few minutes before I redid my priceline search. Now I've got it at 243 (the original quoted price) and for the days I need.
     
    I'd just like to give a big **** you to the folks at Bank of America for holding my funds without cause, the folks at USAir for upping the price of the flight I wanted by a hundred dollars after one day, and the special jerk who lied to me on the phone.
     
    I'd also like to thank Silven for bearing through my foolishness of not depositing the money sooner.
     
    ~Deme
  23. Demetz

    Vacation outing

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    So my mom flew in to Kansas City Missouri to visit her family a few weeks ago. She managed to not tell my grandmother about me being gay and having a boyfriend for the entire trip... almost. This morning they printed off a bunch of the pictures on her camera and among them was one of Silven. My grandmother asked who he was... my mom said he was a friend of mine; she asked how we knew each other, mom said we met over the internet; she asked what we had in common and.. .well... my mom doesn't know much about Silven to answer that question. Anyway... she kept asking questions and mom eventually told her I'm gay and that the young man in the picture is my boyfriend. Apparently she talked with mom for some time and at some point said that this doesn't change that she loves me - thats good - but she's still a bit in shock/disbelief over it. I tried to call her a few minutes ago but no one picked up the phone... I'll try calling again later tonight.
     
    I have to say that this whole explaining to people that I'm gay thing is getting old.
     
    ~Demetz
  24. Demetz

    Escape

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    Something has crossed my mind rather frequently lately - Gays need to just pack up and go. All of us....
     
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .....to Montanna.
     
    Why? -Montanna has one of the lowest populations in the county and IIRC from 8th civics class its the only state in the union with a population low enough that it has fewer representaives than it does senators. If Gay people move to Montanna en masse we could easily grab up those two senate seats and depending on just how many move, might be able to nab not only the house seat but get more after the next census. What's still key is those two senate seats though since 2/100 rates quite a bit better than 1/435 or even 5/435. We'd finally have a real voice in national politics and hell with control over a state we may as well turn Montanna into gay Utopia.
  25. Demetz

    Yippee!

    By Demetz,


    Demetz
    Yes! I finally got my computer back!
    *does a happy dance
     
    Okay, so a couple months ago my videocard burnt out. If I had money, it could have been fixed in two days. I didn't have money, so I had to go out and get some... finally got the money and everything all ready, sent it in, and have it back again! I can finally start writing again and of course, I'll be dropping by chat much more often now. I'm officially a part of the community again.
     
    ~Deme
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