Will Hawkins

Where were my metals? - Where are my medals? Layed out in my bed - Laid out in my bed This is the format I will use for suggestions, I will quote a phrase from the chapter so you can find the location by doing an 'Edit" find - then I type in the phrase again with the suggested change empathized in darker type. Note, what I am doing is making a suggestion - whether or not you change anything in the text is, as the author, entirely up to you. The story is your story, not mine.

Ok so just because you are Romanian does not make you a gypsy nor related to Vlad the Impaler I assume. The next question has to do with with the very English name?

Are you soliciting\accepting corrections or do you feel that editorial suggestions are snarky?

“Am I supposed to wear these for the shooting?” - for the shoot. That is the closer slang expression for a photography session. That if your righteous indignation - That is, if your righteous indignation Remember these are just suggestions, not orders. You are the author! Now, what could any-one find interesting in a BDSM club unless they were into BDSM themselves?

I have plenty of ropes to pull. - 'strings' is better here. And I am still enjoying your quirky sense of humor.

You have been very gracious, Laura, about accepting my suggestions about your choice of words in English, but you have mentioned several times that English is not a native language for you. From my viewpoint, I find your use of my native language to be very good with just a little boo-boo sneaking in every once in a while. If you don't mind telling a very old schoolteacher who had many ESL students in his classroom over a period of 25 years, what is your native language? This is just a matter of curiosity, not an important point, but I like to know a little about the background of those authors whose work I enjoy.

trying to reign in - reign has a meaning of rule by kings, the word you mean to use here is rein, a leather strap used to control a horse. sucking a dick had to feel - sucking a dick have to feel Wow, when our comatose patient finally does wake up, the conversation between him and Aron is going to be very interesting, Don't let my suggestions to you about English details embarrass you as an author - you do such a good job other than those few details. I am still on tenterhooks as far as working out the conclusions is concerned.

Carter's conversations with his asshole and dick - wow they are even making sense, at least I think they are making as much sense as some other things about this chapter. I am patiently awaiting the 'making everything clear' episode, but really enjoying the confusion - in my own head - in the meantime. How in the hell can you keep everything straight in your head? ===== On a totally separate point, I happen to have a personal prejudice against the verb form 'awoken'. Its usage in this chapter is grammatically perfectly correct, so my problem with it is indeed a personal one. I just don't like the sound of it. I much prefer 'awakened'. Don't even think of changing your use of it, you are the author and your word selection, so long as it doesn't violate any of the English grammar rules, (and sometimes even if it does) is yours to make. I am just expressing my personal problem with it. There are a very few words in English that just seem to rub my ear the wrong way, it just happens that 'awoken' is one of them! In a sense, it is like an author quoting dialog between characters with deficient grammar background or training who use improper words or word order - you are writing, in that case, dialog and should use the erroneous words as young people especially, violate the professorial correctness much of the time and you are quoting them. Most English speakers use poor English more than just occasionally. It is one of the Western World's hardest languages for any speaker, native or non-native to use. Americans (US) are among the most frequent of the violators - read here 'the laziest'.

Okay, now I am beginning to get confused - I have been a little bit under the weather healthwise and am just now beginning to get back into the tale. What is Simon's history - my mind is a complete blank on him. I thought the scene between the comatose Carter and his weeping mother was beautiful. There has been so much separation between Carter and his family, it is a breath of fresh air to see an actual concern there. Why is mt suspicion bone itching about Mark? There seems to be more there than just a simple "Personal Assistant' relationship. Okay, he is good at his job, but why do I feel the beat of white wings there somewhere?

A beeline was forming - to be more clear here, perhaps 'queue' would be a better choice of nouns. A beeline is a straight line between two places like the flight of a bee going back to the hive. A queue is a formation of people waiting to get into an establishment like a theater. Up until now, I have not been making any editorial remarks such as this, but I believe your story of switched personalities has such great potential I would like so see a little tweaking here and there. Remember, however, these are merely suggestions. You are the author, the story is yours to write as you wish.

Carter is moving higher and higher on the Kinsey scale as he discovers that affection and physical congress between men is not half bad, He is beginning to enjoy just a little bit his gay side. Psychiatrists are beginning to claim that all men have a gay side -- mostly suppressed by the mores of a male-oriented society. It is taking this strange switch of bodies for Carter to discover this I believe. As the coma continues, Carter is going to enjoy the gayness more and more, which bodes a strange series of reactions when Alex finally does wake up. Which personality will he have, his former Kinsey 0, his newer Kinsey 3-4 or a possible Kinsey 5? It is certainly going to make for some interesting and very creative authoring. Meanwhile, this roller-coaster is carrying me as a reader on a wonderful ride.

Our hero is just beginning to realize that satisfying the lust of another man is not all that bad. Hey, men have been satisfying the lust in others since the beginning of time and I don't believe I have ever heard of anyone dying of it. The more practice you get the better it becomes. Of course, I am looking forward to more intimate moments between the men.

I took your advice and went on a break from the story -- checked my emails and some of the news on CNN. Not much of interest there except the remarks by the Pope about the Bishops being bad boys. What is it about men in positions of power that they cannot keep their pants zipped? I taught at a Community College for 25 years and had as many as 5 men about 18-20 years of age boarding in my home and not once was there ever a sniff of sexual innuendo about my reputation. Right now there is a young man of 17 years sleeping in a bedroom just across the hall from mine and I have not even touched him inappropriately. But then I am not a Bishop. I would have loved to have connubial relations with any number of these men but did not as it would be inappropriate if not illegal for me to do so. Of course, I am neither as rich nor a handsome as the character in your tale. Maybe that is the reason.

I cannot even comment sensibly, but you do a wonderful job, Keep up the confusion.

You are being cruel manipulating your poor reader in chapter after chapter and there a so many remaining. Ah, well, I guess it is best just to sit back and enjoy the ride.

It is a symptom of your excellent writing skill that at this point I don't know who is on which team. We are finding out a great deal about one guy while he is lying in a coma in a hospital bed. There is another guy who does not know which side of the river he is walking upon and now the girl with a braid we find out is not just passing through the storyline! I am sure that all will be made clear, but you have a strong affinity for that cliff. You certainly know how to keep a poor reader involved in the story.

I think that sneaky as you are, you are working on a menage a trois here. The problem I see with that would be Carter. When he comes back to the living what is his reaction to the developing affair between the supposed friends? Your story seems to be ending up with the wrong people married!

I have come to believe that you are evil -- in a nice way of course. As far as the responses of people in comas -- it is true that many comatose people are aware of events around them, they are just unwilling or unable to react to stimuli. So far you are doing a great job in spite of my snarky comment about your evilness. You have captured my attention entirely.

It will be even more interesting if and when Alex wakes up though having been in a deep coma he is not going to be totally 'with it' at first. He is a gay man, big and in good physical condition, forced into celibacy by the accident. When he wakes and finds himself a skinny wimp, who is expected to be a homophobe, that is going to add another layer of complexity to the relationships. I have every confidence that it will be handled in an interesting and challenging way. If an author can handle the situation, I believe you can, Laura. Go for it!

This is going to be a real learning experience for Carter. Over a period of time, he is going to learn how to be gay just to keep his ducks in a row. For a straight man that will be a real learning experience! A super interesting premise upon which to build a storyline, Laurie. Go for it.

Absolutely fantastic start, I am hooked already.

The ending was anticipated - it could not end in any other way but the entire story was well handled with excellent characterization and pace. Congratulations HB. I have not responded as much as I should perhaps, but I have enjoyed it. The inclusion o Chloie was inspired, just the catalyst needed.

It is sort of a 'going home' to start your story Q. I was surprised at how quickly the 'Aussie-isms' became familiar again. Like the use of the full stop in showing times. I will have to read a while to catch up mentally with the story thread, but I am looking forward to it.

Please sir, can I have some more?

Ok, I am here in part two as well. My curiosity gets the better of me.