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shadowgod

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  2. shadowgod

    The Construction Factor

    By shadowgod,

    The broke ass state of California has been working on the Freeway next to my job for the last two months give or take. (Damn time flies when one is having innumerable amounts of fun). Freeway construction in, and of, itself isn't really that intriguing. The guys who are doing the job however, are. Well one guy in particular. He's tall, tan from ethnicity, as well as all the time spent in the sun. Has a killer smile that he gives freely to anyone who says hello or gives a friendly nod. Plus he just has an adorable baby face.
     
    He hasn't gone un-noticed; neither by myself, my female co-workers, nor the shameless little sub-shop hoes.
     
    He was in the store yesterday, getting a cold drink (Pepsi for some of you detail freaks) and a bag of chips. One of the Sub-shop girls ran over and was all "Ohh Ive seen you around, but not lately" typical small talk gush.
     
    he came up to the register.. smiled his awesome smile and then moved on, back to the job a hundred feet away. Sub-shop girl was all "OMG WHO WAS THAT!!" after he left.
     
    i laughed it off, cause well it was funny, the other females I work with however got a bit territorial. They were highly disturbed that I wanted to (still do actually) that sub-shop girl was leaking in his presence, and would probably jump at the chance to show him how much of a sandwich artist she really is. In fact one of My female co-workers even commented that her girlfriend wouldn't appreciate her display of horn-doggery very much. I don't believe that so much.. I think as a people we are becoming more and more a-sexual but that is an entire different argument.
     
    The whole point of this is, i wanted to tell him about sub-shop girls lust, just so I could punctuate the whole thing with "and that is fine if you like your girls with braces still"
     
    perhaps I am evil to some degree... I dunno. I do know that as this conversation plays out in my mind he says he doesn't like girls anyhow and offers to grab a beer after he gets off.
     
    That would be nice
     
    anyhow enough fantasizing for now.
     
    Steve
  3. shadowgod
    I've come to the conclusion that I pretty much suck at summing events up. Good thing I have no aspirations to be a Journalist at any point. I better keep this in mind so I do not become a biographer as well. I was supposed to be camping over the weekend, and for the most part I was. For the most part. We left early friday morning. and set out for my uncles house. Got there at 5:00 am the agreed meeting time. The house was dark. Usually there are two other trucks there and and people are shuffling and milling about. None of that this go round. Instead there was a phone call to meet off the freeway, From there there was another stop to pick up a little 100cc dirtbike.
     
    The drive was typical... a few rest stops for two little girls and a dog. The usual stop in Kingman AZ to round up the consumeables that we dont want to carry all the way out. The land we camp on is still about 40 miles outside of Kingman, and from the exit off the higheway its about ten miles back on ranch roads, that all have warning signs letting you know if you break it, they aren't responsible. For the most part the warning is pretty useless, there is a guy back there in the sticks who has a grader, and does take care of the main roads pretty much. The trouble doesn't start however untill you turn off the main "ranch road".
     
    To get back to the site you have to turn off the main road and go on a ... I'll call it a trail because that is all it really is: just one step above nothing at all. The trail it pretty rough, especialy one particular down hill section. This isn't anything we arent't used to, and besides going downhill is a lot easier then going uphill-more on that later.
     
    Camp was set up rather easily. Sunny skies everone just happy to be there, though it looked like someone had used our spot in our absence. There were spent fireworks tossed in our pit, and beer cans of a questionable nature. ( not the brand we drink ). Anyhow it was of little concequence. we got the tents up, got the shed cleaned out from a feild rodent and wasp infestation that ruined all of the camping gear that was stored in there. Thankfully none of us stored our gear in there, or else the rain would have been not much fun.
     
    There was beer and carne.. and interestingly enough a nice light show that provided a few sprinkles but nothing too fun. That came saturday afternoon. After I had the chance to shoot trap, which I didnt do to well at because it had been around 18 months since I had done it last. My sister picked up the gun and hit the first three she fired at... the first time she had ever handled a gun.
     
    Beginners luck. Thats okay though, It isn't I who knocked the mirror off the Explorer by running into a tree
     
    Then the rain came, and came. for an hour. An hour which proved that tents are not completely 100% weatherproof. It was this little hour long bout of rain that inspired us to call it a trip and pack it up a day early. Got camp broken down in about 2 hours. then we were off to the hill we were all worried about. The trailer we took this go round was a lot hevier then any we had taken previously and it had already caused a few problems in going up hill in a few places.
     
    It wouldn't disapoint. Going up the worst section the Yokun lost traction and began to spin its tires. It took two hours and a lot of manuvering to finally get the damn thing up the hill. On the way up the trailer opened up and what was left inside all came flying out as the thing bounced its way up. Carrying crap up a 20 to 45 degree grade on loose rock is a pain in the ass... and legs... and shoulders... The altitude of it all didn't help much either... not for a lot of flat landers anyhow. It just sucked, and took a good four hours.
     
    From there we repacked the trailer, got the oddessy stowed and made our way out. About a mile from the paved road cell service returned. Everyone in the cars phones where going bizerk with text messeges and voicemails. Everyones except mine that is. Kinda felt like a looser... but whatever, my phone is nothing but a overpriced clock and way for me to check my emails anyhow.
     
    Anyhow that was the fun from Arizona 2009
     
    Casualties:
     
    1 passenger side rear view mirror on a Ford Explorer.
     
    1 drivers side running board on a GMC Yukon.
     
    Assorted camping gear including: 3 tents, 3 air mattresses, 1 screened shelter, assorted other camp items, and 1 day.
     
    all in all the time spent there was good. It was nice not to think about other shit for a while. Im already looking forward to going back... eventually.
  4. shadowgod

    Assorted grumbles

    By shadowgod,

    I have been irritable lately and I don't know why.
     
    That is a lie, I know exactly why, but there is little to be done in the situation. All I can do is face the facts, no matter how distasteful they are, and move on I guess. Shame really, but it does reinforce certain long standing truths. When people are pressuring you to do something, something that you know in your gut is going to backfire in exactly the way you don't want it. Just don't do it, listen to your gut beyond anyone else. After all they are operating off assumptions based on only part of the truth. So how good is their advice anyhow?
     
    School has been annoying me, I'm back in the mode of thinking "what the f**k is this for?" again. Yet i know what its for, in theory, I just don't know how it will play out, or if I will be even remotely good enough to make anything of it. Typical blanket insecurities I guess.
     
    I just don't know what to do with my life, and honestly I am too old to feel this way.
     
    yeah the annoying feeling is creeping up on me again. That feeling that time is being wasted.
     
    I wish I could make this feeling go away, it infects everything with brooding pallor that I do not care for.
     
    on the coworker front... from my last blog. Turns out he has a bit of a crush on me. I feel bad I want to run screaming in the opposite direction. Just my luck concerning this crap.
     
    I should give up, claim a life of celibacy. Wont be much different I think.
     
    Steve
  5. shadowgod
    Its late and I should be in bed... not really. What I should be doing is sitting at work while a group of people count every item in the store. This plan however is simply FAIL. Turns out the scanners they brought have an older version of the software on them. I went through this fiasco about 4 and a half months ago. Had to call the company and get the software updated. Turns out I have to do this again. You would think they would have run through this issue by now. Nope certainly not, if it can go wrong when I am around it most certainly will. I'm all Murphy's Law like that
     
    So instead of sitting at work bored off my ass, I am sitting on my bed in nothing but my boxers typing this...
     
    Hung out with Viv on sunday. it was great first time in a long time. Went to see The Ugly Truth, besides being Chick Flick... it is damn funny, Just the one scene. Restaurants & Remotes... thats all I will divulge. DAMN FUNNY.... the rest, well the rest was painfully predictable, in truth even the above scene was painfully predictable, but damn it was worth every red cent of the $7.50 it cost to get in. After the movie was the good old stand bye Olive Garden, where Viv's offspring was saying "lem'me see your butt" something about a vibrator...
     
    Later in the car on the ride home there were other golden quotes as well...
     
    "Let me stroke it once... I promise to stroke it back."
     
    "What happens if I stroke it this way..."
     
    See pure gold from the mouths of babes. Viv threw in a good nugget too... "Stop trying to communicate while being quiet." She said this to her children... I still can't make much sense of it
     
    I missed a call from blocked number during dinner... last I heard from him was on my Bday... I honestly didn't think he was going to ever call back. It was surprising, but again disappointing, we can't ever seem to get shit worked out to have a decent conversation it seems.
     
    What else has happened...
     
    Summer session is over. I got tired of the US history class, to the point of sacrificing a better grade for some sanity. I regret this at some point. Just not now.
     
    New semester starts on the 31st. I had signed up for 11 units, the school decided to play musical courses. Now, two of my courses are at the same day and time. I had to drop the php programing class. To be honest Im relieved and pissed off at the same time over this. I mean it took me a whole three days to register because they were having issues, and then they go and move class days around and force you out of 3 units. all the while all the fees are going up. I shouldn't complain though. I know us CA state Jr colleges have things on the cheap. even with the new price of $26 per unit.
     
    Perhaps I can bitch about the $40 cost of a parking permit
     
    One of my employees told me My hair was nice on Monday. That was cool... especially seeing as he is damn cute, and in being so is damn dangerous. He has a girlfriend... but I swear some days he wouldn't mind trying other things out. lol Perhaps I should quit and use him as a going away present.
     
    Last thing... what the hell is with people being condescending for no damn reason? I know the whole trying to be helpful bit, but honestly if what you say comes off sounding as though you know everything there is to know and the other person doesn't know a thing. Well you really should just keep your thoughts to yourself. If not you deserve the reply you end up with and then some.
     
    Oh! some other shit happened... One of my coworkers may have found out about my liking dick and what not. separate from the dangerous one... All and all its really no ones business what my preferences are there, but we will see, the situation is still developing, but really its about damn time. After all what straight guy knows what the hell blacks beach is?
     
    Some other stuff is troubling me, I don't know what to make of it other then I should have expected it. Expectations are funny that way I guess even when you know how something will eventually play out, doesn't mean the happening won't suck just as much suck as it does. Then again my arrogance is showing in the claim to know how something will play out. Rather I hope I am being arrogant, and over-thinking what really is.
     
    I think that is about it, hope you all are doing great wherever in life these words greet you.
     
    Steve
  6. shadowgod

    Day 11,322.8

    By shadowgod,

    Saturday night I was at my uncles house, they surprised me with a strawberry cake. It was cool there were candles, three of them anymore and the fire marshal would have been called, and people singing happy birthday. I had a few beers and tried to relax in the spa as my cousin spouted on about the end of the world in 2012. Not my belief, but hey who am I to deny him is above just saying to him people have been saying it is the end of the world since the world began.
     
    Disney is doing this promotion right now. You sign up online, and they let you into the park on your birthday for free. Sad thing is, for those people who have an annual pass, the offer is kinda moot. So they offer annual passholders three alternate options. 1) a gift card good for the amount of admission. 2) a birthday fastpass card ( one for you and up to five additional cards for members of your party) and 3) a voucher good for 1 admission ticket at a later date. Anyhow, I went out to disney chose option 1 and went in to California Adventure for this bomb ass chicken salad they have there. Turns out one of my cousins on my dads side was at the park visiting with his family.
     
    Met up with him, then the other sister, went over to disneyland. Di dthe riding rides eating... etc. Had a dole whip and saw the enchanted tiki room staring Maynard (look him up) that was very enjoyable. Outside, my cousins two little blonde daughters decided it was time to sing happy birthday to me. Complete with the missing stanza
     
    "...May Jesus bless you. May Jesus bless you ... love you and keep you, May jesus bless you."
     
    I don't even know where to start with this... other then there is a sunday school teacher running around out there somewhere that needs a right good throttling in my opinion. However being the nice guy I am I let them sing it, several more times though out the night. I had had my fill however, when I was forced ino a large hat shaped like a birthday cake, and was assaulted by a stuffed mickey mouse that was chirping out the birthday song in all of its fading digital glory. These ... little angels thought it would be fun to hit me in the face with said stuffed novelty...
     
    Escape was stalled by fireworks... and everyone just standing watching. It looked cool... what I saw of it; I just wanted to escape. Too bad, we made it to the emporium on main street where more "browsing" took place, and said little girls got magic wands ( yay something else to assult the "birthday boy" with!! ) and of course another rousiong rendition of their "birthday song" all small world like -- never ending -- .
     
    All though this day I kept getting calls from a blocked number, WHich belongs to this guy Im intereseted in getting to know better. He was supposed to call back last night at 11ish never did.
     
    Timing sucks like that I guess.
     
    Thanks to everyone who passed on birthday wishes in various avenues. It was appreciated, even if I didnt hear from everyone *cough* Joe *cough* Dan *cough* Myr *cough*
     
    I think that was about it...
    Steve
     
    Oh and if anyone is interested, you should totally check out "Sometime Around Midnight" by Airborne Toxic Event. I'd youtube but those usually have shitty quality...
  8. shadowgod

    Crazy on Paper

    By shadowgod,

    I took a creative writing class--well workshop--last semester, did you know these things, blogs, are supposed to be carefully planned out? If that is the case, blogage = FAIL, EPIC FAIL even. I dunno I guess this would be a more entertaining blog if everything was thought out and well rendered into some pseudo-journalistic spin-off.
     
    I dunno, to me a blog should be more personal, It should be clearly partisan, and one should never turn to a blog for precise facts. That is just a fools errand.
     
    My problem is I have structuring my thoughts and feelings into something halfway entertaining. I just come off sounding like a whiny little bitch. I guess that has it's place, but not in a public spectrum.
     
    What I am saying I guess is bear with me as I try to figure out my balance of bitchy/entertaining...
     
     
    I started the summer session, yeah summer school , anyhow the first week one of the professors was out. In his stead was a substitute, who was barely mobile and recovering from back surgery mind you, and a rambling fifteen page syllabus.
     
    I'll take this moment, to say that his attendance policy for the summer term...
     


    A student who misses one or more classes should check their enrollment status before resuming attendance... So... basically he is saying if you miss a class, he is going to drop you. This seems an empty threat considering most Professors, and the school policy clearly state that it is not the professors job to cut your enrollment, its your own. They would rather just give you an F and screw with your GPA.
     
    Anyhow I was really hoping he was one of those people who is just a dick on paper, and more agreeable in person. Turns out he is. He is even willing to let absences slide if you are scoring well on the exams, if your not however, well that's your own harvest I guess.
     
    History is the other class I'm taking, American to be exact, colonial times to 1877. Its required by the gov because they subsidize funding or something or another. its completely online. I don't know how to feel about this, or if I am self motivated enough to pull it off. Case in point week 1's work is due tonight by midnight. I have yet to do anything other than read 2 of the 3 chapters. So we shall see...
     
    What else, oh yes. Many may have heard of my atrocious mini golf skills, a lucky few have even bore witness to this first hand. I have great news! Apparently I mini golf a helluva lot better after I have had a few beers .
     
    #2 get well... I know the hotel was getting on your nerves, but really a hospital is just the same, but without the smiling desk staff and knocks to announce housekeeping. Instead you traded down to Nurse Ratchet and bad food. Then again, I have heard great things about sponge baths.... fill me in when you are able won't you?
     
    Lastly I have a question. What do you guys think of Babe vs Baby? Personally I'd rather hear Babe, the latter grates on my nerves for some reason. What are your thoughts?
     
    Steve
  9. shadowgod

    In Dreams...

    By shadowgod,

    I had an odd dream last night. Well, not so much odd, for me, as unexpected.
     
    For some reason whenever I dream about a home, it's always my aunts house. The one I moved out of some 5 years ago now. It does not matter if the home is supposed to be my home, or someone elses home it's always that particular house.
     
    Anyhow I dreamt1 of it again last night. In this incarnation, it was not my home, nor was it my aunts home;it was the home of a guy I was interested in. He seemed happy, content even. Hell, I was happy. Just something seemed off about it. I don't know if it was the familiarity of the house. Maybe it was being in that moment, when the moment can't exist outside of Nod's realm. Maybe it was the older man two rooms away. He said nothing to me, just watched like a lion in the grass, and a thin whisp of cigarette smoke.
     
    I don't know what the symbology of this all means. I could venture a guess or two, or simply say: a dream is a wish your heart makes... I dunno though, that all seems so cut and dry, the dream seems more complicated then that.
     
    In other news...
     
    I've been chatting with this guy, It's become clear that he is more interested in me than I am in him. I don't want to be a dick and say yeah this isn't gonna go anywhere, but sometimes we have to be a dick to get our point across yes?
     
     
    Steve
     
    1 For all you grammar nazis I checked and dreamt is an acceptable past tense term for dream, so is dreamed... that one just sounds ill educated to me for some reason.
     
    ... I've been in school too long if I'm including foot notes on blog posts.
  10. shadowgod
    It has been quiet in here.
     
    I suppose that is majorly my fault. I could say nothing has been happening, but that is a lie. A lot of things have happened in the 8 weeks since I have written anything round here... The spring semester came to a close, I only managed a 3.15 GPA for the entire semester, so I dunno what to think about it, good on one hand but meh I could do better. I should do better. Doing so wouldn't take much more effort on my part.
     
    Im a year away from transfering to the University. This is both exciting and scary at the same time, but Im looking forward to it more than anything. Mostly because it is all there is to look forward to pretty much. That sounds bad I guess, but its what it is.
     
    I hate coming online anymore. I dunno why it happened but everything feels so strained. Its weird to see a list of people I used to talk with on a daily basis. I'd like to talk to them, but I dont want to "bother" them, and some days its seems like that is all I do is bother them. So I stayed away for awhile trying to avoid all this awkwardness and loaded silences.
     
    It didnt work so well for the most part, conversations are strained, they end unexpectedly... and I end up feeling like the bad guy. I made some choices and for better or worse they were my choices. Not the choices of another person or what not.
     
    I dunno where Im going with this, I guess I sometimes just dont feel all that welcome here anymore, and I know its has nothing to do with anyone here, its something inside me. Its dumb, I go through phases where Im all into something. I work hard at it and what not, but there comes a time when something else catches my attention and I move in that direction.
     
    Im trying not to let that happen here. Im trying to get rid of this disconnect I feel, but it seems like Im the only one who is trying.
     
    Again this is an issue of my own design. I just don't know if I've burned all those bridges.
  11. shadowgod

    Pink Mafia

    By shadowgod,

    So here is an interesting exchange that happened between one of my co-workers and I this afternoon. He was a little apprehensive, apparently he had made plans with another coworker--We'll Call him Coworker #2--to go to the gym and workout. It didnt work out too well and he ended up standing up COwroker #2, so he was scared that #2 was going to be all made and cause some friction in the work place.
     
    Well coworker #1 had some issues with his phone and by the time he got them resolved there were a few text messeges and a few voice mails from coworker #2 asking if they were still going to the gym. Coworker #1 tried calling back but his calls went unanswered. A few hours later Coworker # 2 Tries to call back, but #1 answers the phone to late. He tries to call back, and it only goes to voice mail. He was explaining all this to me , and I'm fairly sure that by the last call #2 was looking at his phone all "f**k that Bitch..."
     
    About this time, I mentioned to #1 that he better be careful, because #2 was gonna get the pink mafia on him.
     
    He responded, Ohh get him boys, in an effeminate voice with a laugh trying to dismiss threat.
     
    I warned him not to laugh it off, not all of them are like that, they could send the leather Daddies after him.
     
    He laughed and mentioned He doesn't know what a leather daddy looks like.
     
    I told him he'll know them when he sees them
     
    I think I'd rather enjoy seeing that. #1 is definitely cute, and definitely dangerous. and sadly straight... not that it matters that much. If he was otherwise inclined, I could get into a lot of trouble. Somehow in all his little sexiness I believe he would be worth it.
     
    anyhow... that was the fun today,
     
    catch ya'll on the flip side
     
    Steve
  12. shadowgod

    All or nothing...

    By shadowgod,

    I don't understand it. I guess it isn't something that can be understood, because in order to understand, an uncomfortable conversation would have to take place. Questions would have to be asked... questions that in all likelihood have no answers.
     
    So, in turn, we accept silence. Silence is easier...
     
    Well, silence sucks; the void created is only filled with self doubt.
     
    I thought I was over this years ago. I thought the whole angsty part of my life was far removed from the routine of my life, yet as I lay in bed most nights the same question chews at the back of my psyche. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
     
    "NOTHING!" I know that is what a fair amount of you are screaming at the screen right now, or at least whispering in your mind. I'm willing to bet that you are following that term up with "You're a great guy..."
     
    Please don't say that. I don't want accolades. I want brutal assessment. I don't want that sappy comment that one feels they need to say when someone is kicking themselves.
     
    More-over I just want a hey how are you doing... and not from the usual suspects. I know who cares about me, and lately I know, brutally, who doesn't... and that sucks worst of all. It makes me feel a million degrading things about myself. Which is probably all me over reacting and over thinking the situation.
     
    I know I do that, and I am sorry for it.
     
    I'm sorry I am not confidant enough.
     
    It sucked that I couldn't be the man you want... but what really hurts is I'm not allowed to be a friend.
     
    Maybe that too is me over-thinking crap; maybe our definitions of friend just differ, cause after all we are good...
     
    Actions, speak louder than words. I understand that, this bitch that is life keeps teaching me that. What I don't understand however, is all or nothing.
     
    All or nothing can kiss my ass.
     
    Sorry, this isn't what I wanted. I just...
     
    I'm sorry. I told you anything you need, ever, anytime... the offer will always stand. It's just the silence. I hate the silence.
     
    The monster attacks in the silence.
  14. shadowgod

    The road to hell...

    By shadowgod,

    We have all heard the passage. Can recite it blindly, but for those of you who may have been hiding under a rock. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
     
    I only ever had good intentions. I got confused along the way, but I had just gotten better. And I found myself in hell.
     
    I dont want to be here, I want to be back where crap was good. I want to be back where "heya" gave me a smile.
     
    I've been listening to a song it helped me get over my confusion, then friday night one line reinforced they way things happen in life.
     
    We're just a bunch of little gods causin' rain storms turnin' everything good to rust.
     
    ~Wake up by Arcade Fire
     
    Something filled up
    my heart with nothin'
    Someone told me not to cry.
     
    Now that I'm older
    my hearts colder,
    and I can see its all a lie.
     
    Children wake up
    hold your mistake up,
    before they turn the summer into dust.
     
    If the children dont grow up,
    our bodies get bigger, but our hearts get torn up.
    We're just a million little gods causin' rain storms turnin' everything good into rust
     
    I guess we'll just have to adjust
     
    With my lightnin bolts a glowin'
    I can see where I am goin to be when the reaper
    he reaches and touches my hand
     
    With my lightnin bolts a glowin'
    I can see where I am gowin
     
    With my lightnin bolts a glowin
    I can see where I am go goin
     
    You better look out below
     
    I am almost done turning everything to rust
  16. shadowgod

    Lets make a deal...

    By shadowgod,

    Okay, so I made an exceedingly whiny blog post earlier today. I have subsequently set said post to private because me being all... I don't know how to describe it. Let's just say if it wasn't me that wrote it I'd want to strangle the little bitch that did. Anyhow, me giving in to that attitude isn't going to work.
     
    So here is the deal. If I don't stop myself and do in the future post something that just makes you want to strangle me for being a whiney little bitch, by all means do what ever you can to get a hold of me and tell me to pull it quicker than a teenager on a lonely friday night MmmKay?
     
    I thank you all in advance. I know its hard to believe but GA is my only connection to the "Gay Community". For better or for worse that is how it is. I don't want to do anything to make the lot of you think any less of me. I'm not saying sorry, just taking responsibility for how I have been acting lately.
     
    I've been crying that Im stuck. that is such crap and typical of me to do. I'm dwelling on the not so great and over looking what i have achieved in the last several months. I've come a long way in my stay here, and I thank all of you for that. Hopefully, with a more measured dose of bitching in the future, I will continue to make myself into the person I know I can be, the person I want to be.
     
    I started the Creative writing class on Monday night... There were a number of "inspirational" or "motivational" passages by famous writers. We were told to choose one passage that relates to our writing. I couldn't choose one, there were two I was bouncing back and forth between.
     


    "Any work aspiring, however humbly, to the status of art should carry its justification in every line." ~Joseph Conrad- "On Life & Art"
     
    "The Great Mystery is not that we have been thrown down here at random between the profusion of matter and that of the stars; it is from our very prison we draw, from our own selves, images powerful enough to deny our nothingness." ~Andre Malraux, 1933 Man's Fate
      I dunno what I do is sort of art, at some base level. My intention is to move the reader to some emotion. Yet then again a lot of what I write is completely visual for me. So perhaps its more Malraux than Conrad. Eh I don't care for Conrad all that much anyhow. Anyhow I bring this up because of my inability to choose between these two seemingly seperate quotes. My less than succulant way of expressing the foibles I see in them. One is about perfection, the other is about the grittiness of reality. Which is art? Aren't they both?
     
    I think so.
     
    But anyhow, I'm going to keep working, making progress, however slow. I'm gonna smile. I can see the horizon, and Im going to make myself better, make myself great to get there. There I will be happy, there I will be whole. There, I get what i want. Trust me it's worth it.
     
    See you along the road to the horizon
     
    Steve
  17. shadowgod
    Grrrr
     
    Where in the hell have all the people gone? I just had to cancel an eye appointment I had this afternoon... which pisses me off to no end, but that is besides the point. It took like an hour to cancel the damn appointment! First of all there is a stupid call-block thing on the work phone, so I have to enter a seven digit password to make a toll-free call ( 866 HELLO! ). Then the stupid "automated" system is being all sketchy. Sounds like a skipping CD. Then it wasn't recognizing entries, because its sounding all sketchy.
     
    So yeah had to call it five times to get through everything, re-entering everything every time. Why doesn't zero hand you over to an operator anymore? There is record unemployment and I have to waste time fighting with a broken machine.
     
    Bleh... Im not happy I had to cancel the appointment. My glasses are old and f**ked up, and the contacts are off I guess. I don't like wearing them at night because the vision isnt as good, as it is with my glasses. I should just go to my sister in laws place and have the exam done there. Should be about the same in the end I think. seeing as my Insurence Co thinks a $50 co-pay and a $79.99 ( and up it starts there depending on lenses used) is reasonable for an eye-exam.
     
    So yeah not too happy right now, but then again at least I won't be resting my head in that torture device that puffs air into your eyes today. Thank heavens for small miricles right?
     
    f**k that I want a big one.
     
    Steve
  18. shadowgod

    Again

    By shadowgod,

    I got called pitiful yesterday. It was in jest but I dunno, anything for the demons to latch on to ya know? The perpetrator is a regular customer. He buys lottery and a few weeks ago we were doing that 'what would you do?' shtick. I may have mentioned that I really have no need for massive sums of money, Just enough to be comfortable and stable and Ill be just fine. He was saying that he is going to buy a Ferrari.
     
    Don't get me wrong, I love Ferrari and would love to drive one. I just can't justify spending $350,000 on one. No matter how much money I won playing the lottery. Rent one for the weekend? Sure I'd rent one for the week and have a grand time with it, but thats as far as it would go.
     
    He insists that the Ferrari is key. matter of fact he has changed his mind, instead of winning the lottery himself he now wants me to win the lottery so he can "manage" me. He i9s convinced the Ferrari is key because it will get me laid. Yes the $350,000 car is for nothing more that attracting pussy and thus enabling me to "f**k till I DIE".
     
    I dunno while the thought sounds appealing, I dunno I'd rather have people attracted to me for me, not for what I can do for them. He however swears that, that is beside the point. Its all about getting laid. then he asked how many times Ive been laid in the last year. How many girlfriends I had. If I just have one steady girlfriend.
     
    I didn't correct him. Am I a closet case? perhaps. But, who I sleep with honestly isn't up for public debate, and peoples first impression of me shouldnt be clouded by the fact I like guys more than girls. Its stupid I guess and the wrong way to approach the subject.
     
    I dunno maybe I should have told him yeah not gonna happen cause I prefer the cock.
     
    Bleh it just sucks, I know he was joking. yet he said what I have been feeling and its kinda shitty in a way.
     
    Steve
  20. shadowgod
    Whats Up...
    Class starts again next week and it looks like I'm going to end the off time with a whimper rather than a bang. That's okay though, I got a lot done over the break. Not writing wise, but I guess I sorted some personal shit out, ran into some more, and got that dealt with.
     
    Crap I still need to buy books, and update the FAFSA... :wacko:
    Totally out of left field...
     
    A cheap little prepaid TMobil phone was left at the station last week. No one has claimed it, or even asked about a phone being found. Yesterday I put on my little detective hat and turned it on in effort to track down the owner.
     
    Phone-book was useless as it only had numbers to refill the phone's minutes and to check balances and what not.
     
    So I moved on to text messages, see if I could call one of the numbers and tell them whoever lost their phone its here. Well that's where the story gets interesting. It was like a prepaid, mobile version of craigslist. Apparently the phones owner has a storage place a few miles away and its private and he likes to meet people there. Oh yeah his tastes do not include people who need to watch straight porn to get hard because they have issues.
     
    Honestly I agree, but that is besides the point the point is the freakin storage place! Honestly? so Im guessing it has a bed and ... crap I don't want to think about that.
     
    Who does this? other than the owner of said abandoned prepaid phone. I guess if you just have to bust a nut and nothing else will do not me though, no way!
     
    Other happenings...
     
    I have to go sign up for the GED today, the test isn't until mid april. Im nervous about it. I shouldn't be, Ive been told I'm smart. Still nervous though.
     
    When they say
    You're not that strong
    You're not that weak
    Its not your fault
    And when you climb up to your hill
    Up to your place
    I hope you're well
  21. shadowgod

    Holding patterns

    By shadowgod,

    I hate not being sure of something. I believe this is at the heart of my ... issues lately. That being said, I usually never act on something if there is risk involved. What can I say, I'm a big pussy in that regard. Somehow, over the last several weeks, I am no longer sure of much anything at all and its bugging the hell out of me.
     
    It started with one thing and just ballooned from there. People whose presence I took for granted are talking about moving across the country, the job I have had, and loathed for the last decade, is going away. School is alright, but I'm still not where I want to be with it...
     
    Any one of these things happening I can handle, its just the shock of all of them flooding down on me, blocking any path of retreat... To be honest it has me scared because I dont know what to do or where to turn. The end result is I have been... touchy I guess is the best word? I dunno. I feel horrible about the whole thing, I know its shit at the time Im doing it, but I still do leaving me to appologize after most likely looking like a big ass about the whole thing.
     
    It's not fair to the people I care about...
     
    So in an effort to avoid completely blowing up at people, and showing just how much of an asshole I am capable of being, I've been avoiding and ducking out on crap, which... isn't fair either. It's just, yet again I am still in the same place that I was last year, and so many before that. Time passes and I have no accomplishment, nothing new to show for it.
     
    Don't ask me why I am impatient. I dunno really. I don't know why the passage of time is so acute to me. Its just something I'm overly paranoid about. Maybe its because I'm afraid of growing old. Afraid of dying alone.
     
    So afraid that it cripples everything else I do. I stay quiet because I don't want to offend anyone, I don't initiate things because I don't want to scare them off. Yet because of these stupid irrational fears, I'll just end up bringing about my biggest fear.
     
    And that is what I am really afraid of... my fears shaping a gruff personality which in the end will leave me alone...
     
    Enough of the whole introspective self deprecating analysis its honestly counter productive anyhow
     
    Work - Don't know the outcome, but meh whatever, the owners have a history of being less then honest or forthcoming about vital info so really whats new? I'll just keep getting on till the getting is done I guess.
     
    School - Starts again in a week, I have to go buy books. Only 9 units this go round and Im kind of annoyed there. I think after this semester I'll have 29 transferable units completed. Need 30 to get a TAG (Transfer Admission Guarantee)To the University of California. So looks like a summer course or something, bleh... I want to be there now, not another three semsters from now, after the 30 to get the guarantee, you need to complete another 30 before you can transfer. long Story short its taking forever and I'm impatient remember?
     
    Writing - Dreams & Clipped Wings seems hopelessly stalled for the time being. Yet another thing that has me feeling like an ass. Thanks to everyone who nominated DnCW for a members choice award, I really wanted to get another chapter out to show my appriciation. I just can't now and that sucks. I have, however, been puttering around something else, I may be posting it soon instead.
     
    So yeah... I think that is it; just a big ole barrel of SSDD.
     
    Catch ya all on the flip side... soon
     
    Steve
     
    PS major appologies if Ive been a little... off lately, if it happens and you notice it feel free to tell me to STFU. I will comply unless certin conditions apply, then I may get nasty, but that wont happen 99.5% of the time
  22. shadowgod
    I hate not getting a straight answer.
     
    So there was a meeting on Wednesday, has to do with my future to some degree. You see I have been getting the mail for the business the last few days and there have been a few notices from the pay-phone company we deal with, which basically say:


    "Hey, we've noticed that you have opened an escrow account, please inform the new owner that we have a contract with you, and the new contract will be binding for them as well!"
    Okay so there is an escrow account open big deal, could be for the subway and what not. Compound that by the guy walking in and saying he needs some info for the owners on re-imaging. Now, we just got re-imaged about 18 months ago. Now this was too much so I called the office and was all "Hey this shit is going on just so you know." Boss called back and said he wanted to meet Wednesday morning at 8:30.
     
    The just of the meeting; "The place is pretty much sold. It's a sure thing, but it might fall through"
     
    What kind of no committing ass backward answer is that? If its sold say it
  23. shadowgod

    Spicy taco....

    By shadowgod,

    So, yeah entry number two, because Im mad bored like this and I found this story particularly entertaining.
     
    So my sister has (had? its hard to keep up some days) a crush on a guy that works down the way. I find him particularly Goober-ish... He even has a a shirt with sushi on it, and covets a shower curtain painted with large vestiges of the fishy entr
  24. shadowgod
    Before we go there, YES I am house broken, and alright, I have been "domesticated" for awhile it was just a catchy title and sums up what I spent the weekend doing rather nicely.
     
    Perhaps I should explain...
     
    Lately I haven't had much time between work school and trying to be social on some levels. Unfortunately for my bedroom, it has taken the brunt of my procrastination. The problem only compounded it self when you add in 3 semesters worth of school papers and books. Compound all that with piles of receipts, and CD-R's (thank god for portable hard-drives!) and various other this is a good enough spot for now... and you have the disaster area that was my room.
     
    Additionally I've been all grrr for the last several days. There are a few reasons for it; Wallowing in my own stupidity, being idle for long amounts of time, and just plain chaos wherever I look. So I took matters into my own hands so to speak. I spent the weekend completely cleaning my room and washing every stitch of clothing I own, and reducing my investment in such clothing by at least half, though all told I think it was closer to 60%, I dunno i dont have the list with me.
     
    Worse yet, I still have more articles of clothing that need to be sent off to goodwill. I simply don't use them any longer so all they do is take up space. Might as well free up space and nelp someone else out right? Anyhow, I've gotten that done, next weekend I'm probably going to move the room around.
     
    I'm an odd sort I guess, Things start to feel stale after awhile so I have to switch them up. I used to move my room around at least once a year back when I was lacking any sort of gainful employment. I haven't moved my room around in 5 years. 5 YEARS! Oddly enough change helps me in some respects... Take insomnia for instance; there are nights I toss and roll and just can't get to sleep. Those nights all have to eventually do is throw a pillow down to the foot of the bed and I can finally fall asleep.
     
    Why that is, I don't know... it just is. Makes me wonder about a relationship though, but I'm not going to go into that.
     
    I think that is the weekend in recap, no grand revelations or experiences. Well maybe one realization, but... another time I guess.
     
    OH yea... the company I work for is in escrow apparently. I don't know how to feel about that. On one hand its.. great cause I don't want to work there anymore ( this change thing creeping up again, but its not total change just taking the pieces of my life and shaking them up a bit...). However, it sucks because again I was kept out of the loop and whatever.
     
    I hope the state of california doesnt run out of unemployment funds soon...
     
    Also, I swish well... except I do not think I swish. In fact, I'm pretty sure of it.
     
    So, catch yall on the flip side I guess...
     
    Steve
  25. shadowgod

    Day 19

    By shadowgod,

    I want a cigarette.... how crazy is that 19 freakn' days and you'd think Id be done with this crap by now.
     
    Adding to this.. compulsion Ive been all scatter brained lately and acting way out of character. I'd blame the voluntary nicotine withdrawal, but yeah its been 19 days. The chemical really can't still be reeking havoc in my system can it? Anyhow, my focus has been pretty shitty and Ive been neglecting things I shouldn't. Case in point, my beta work I do for a few different people.
     
    I need to get back to it.
     
    Hell I need to get back to my own writing which has suffered the most. I think I've written like a paragraph in the last two weeks. Which is... yeah no bueno.
     
    here's to hoping this passes soon, or I fold and grab a pack of cigarettes... kinda shitty trade off though.
     
    Steve
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