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shadowgod

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  1. shadowgod

    Cancer

    By shadowgod,

    Its a devastating thing. It grows silently, using your own resources against you. Masquerading as other maladies until it is finally discovered. When it is found, it is almost universally cut out. Some people are resilient to it's removal, even though the cancer takes some of them along with it. Others, are just not strong enough: the disease is wound too tightly into their bones; into their foundations. Still the best option is to get rid of it before it has a chance to spread further and infect more, even if the ultimate outcome is known at the time of its removal.
     
    Thats is the better side of human nature, to do whatever we can to preserve life, even if we know that life cannot be sustained for any reasonable amount of time. And when our loved one, our friend, even our respected peer falls victim to such a disease the response is universal. We don't cheer, we mourn the loss of what was, and most certainly what could have been.
     
    That is probably the most tragic thing. A good friend of mine once wrote "...dreams die the hardest death of all." those words, the tragedy and bitter reality they convey impressed beyond words when I first read them. They still do today. It's a hard lesson to learn, one that was re-taught to us all over the last week. Dreams are supposed to be resilient, instead they are like butterfly wings. Beautiful and magnificent, yet so fragile the simplest aggressive touch will render them useless.
     
    I am cryptic, I know I am. It is by design. I don't think this is so cryptic that a number of people won't know what I am talking about. If you don't move on I'll post again shortly. If you do however, know this, you're welcome here. None of us envy what you have lost in the last week, and we all know it could have very well happened the other way around. So if you feel up to stopping in and saying hi, or whatever. Let me be the first to say, welcome and welcome back.
     
    To the person, who suffered the broken butterfly wings... I have always looked up to you, respected you beyond some of the decisions I didn't agree with. Here's to your next metamorphosis, I hope you come through stronger and more beautiful then before.
     
    Steve
  2. shadowgod
    Apparently I am a bitter, short tempered, person. Personally i find it remarkable that someone who usually doesn't say much of anything at all could be bitter and short tempered.
     
    I'll admit it freely I have some odd quirks. I don't do repetition all too well, thus I find KC and the Sunshine band highly offensive, but also Bone, Thugs, and Harmony as well. I know there is a great divide between those two. One is 70's disco the other 90's rap or hip hop, or whatever that genre calls itself these days. However they both only use like three lines of lyrics and repeate them over and over for several minutes.
     
    I don't like repeating myself, I mean come on common courtesy dictates that you listen to a person you are talking with. If I have to repeat myself that is a failure on the other persons part for not listening, period. Once is okay, but more then that starts grating on what little patience I have. This whole phenomena seems to be at its worst when I am on a phone call with my Cousin; "What?" seems to be his favorite response. Add in the fact that when he does call it isn't once, but usually three or four times in a span of thirty minutes. I really do not look forward to his calls, in fact I groan when I see his name on the caller ID.
     
    I also don't like to be asked the same question thirty times. I heard you I answered, you were to busy bitching about something else to comprehend the answer. Once again your fault not mine. I don't care what you make for dinner. Food is preferable. better yet, I'm a grown freaking man if you decide not to make anything thats fine I am able to fend for myself.
     
    The last thing I have little use for is bitching... By all means if you have an honest gripe bitch away its healthy. However, if your bitching for the sake of bitching alone; do us all a favor and just STFU. Moaning about crap you can not change isn't healthy. I suggest you get to the root of the matter that is really bothering you and work on that. Stop crying because your persecuted and picked on.
     
    So yeah any combination of those three things will put a damper in my mood, facing all of them continuously on a daily basis is going to annoy me to a point where I might say something. If you want to perceive my honest complaint and pleas for you to cease and desist as me being bitter and short tempered... well so be it. Just remember while your thinking that, that some days the sound of your voice is akin to nails languishingly scratching down a blackboard.
     
    yeah that feels better
     
    Steve
  3. shadowgod

    Shopping List

    By shadowgod,

    So there is a post in the forums asking for people to describe the perfect guy. Thats a bit of a stumbling point. What is a perfect guy? Does one even exist? If he does, and we met would I just get so fed up with his perfection that he would seem, to me, no longer perfect?
     
    The stigmata of perfection aside, what am I looking for in my ideal guy?
     
    Good looks are a plus, the specifics? well I'm not that picky, even if I have a slight preference for darker hair, also he shouldn't overly hairy, or at least well practiced in keeping the jungle in check. He should have a sense of humor, and a bit of a wild side. Affectionate is nice, but I want a guy who is comfortable and self confidant in his own right. Someone who doesn't need to hang all over me to reassure himself that we are together.
     
    I am all for PDA's, its just not an environment I was brought up in. My family isn't now nor have they ever been overly huggy or whatever.
     
    He should like the outdoors, camping and preferably dirt bike riding. I like them, and would definitely want to do more of them. I just don't have anyone to indulge in these activities with.
     
    There was mention of compassion... Not a big deal to me, but I suppose one of us should be compassionate, to a degree.
     
    There was also talk of a good credit score... WTF? is that really necessary? we're not filing for a loan together. My credit isn't as great as it could be. Sure I can trace that problem back to its genesis with a fair amount of certainty. However, just because my score isn't 760 doesn't mean I am here to mooch off of you. Any rate until things got well and serious I'd prefer keeping separate bank accounts anyhow.
     
    Above everything else though, they should be attracted to for who I am, not who I could, or should, be. Just as I should be attracted to them for who they are. Life is shit, its the un-perfect souls we choose to share the journey with that make it worthwhile.
     
    Steve
  4. shadowgod
    Let's say you have this person you consider a friend, even though the last time you communicated with them, it didn't end up so well. In fact let's just say they never replied back.
     
    Now you notice another person warming up to this person you consider a friend, offering unsolicited, but by all means welcome, advice. Do you warn the friend off? Do you tell them about the odd ways of this new person? Do you tell friend that all he has to do is disagree with the new person once and the new person will regard him an enemy? Do you mention to this friend that this person has an odd habit of purchasing porn for his "friends".
     
    Do you do anything at all? Especially when you have told this friend in the past you'd be willing to read anything they wrote; only to be told they were too busy to write.
     
    Then you find they have been writing like mad...
     
    Still do you say "We had a difference of opinion last time we spoke. But your new friend, he is bad news."
     
    Do you?
  5. shadowgod

    30 past prime

    By shadowgod,

    I'm an introverted Kinda guy. I don't mean to be, just kind of turned out that way. thats not the reason for this little rant however. Sometimes it feels like the past decade has been wasted. Wasted waiting, or merely floating through life with no particular aim. I guess that is the bane of the tail edge of Generation X, a complete lack of motivation.
     
    As I have stated in earlier blogs I'm tired of feeling ... lost in the world. I want something more then the prospects of another dead end job. I'm willing to work for that, and I am, however I also suffer from the dreaded instant gratification thing. While the JR college is all well and good, I'd rather be at the university, but I know I need to work towards that. I may have stumbled in the last semester. I need to redouble my efforts and keep pushing towards the end I want.
     
    What happens then, I dunno. I don't know whats happening tomorrow, much less five years from now. I should, as what i am doing today is pretty much the same as I was doing five years ago. God I hope that isn't in the future. I'd do almost anything, even take up offers of free plane tickets up north!
     
    I just don't feel like I should be teetering on the edge of thirty. I have nothing to show for the last decade, save for the great people I have met through GA and other means. Then hearing of their lives and in some cases being invited into them and experiencing them first hand, I can't suppress the feeling that I unlike my peers just haven't opened my arms to the experience that is life. Instead I've subconsciously sheltered myself from it. In fact I have at some level taken great steps to avoid life at all costs.
     
    A friend has called me a shut in. I sometimes wonder about the lingering truth of that statement. I wonder if tomorrow holds the escape that I have thus far denied myself, and in all the wondering I never take the step out of the shell of a life I do have. I never make my escape.
     
    Steve
  6. shadowgod

    Coming out again

    By shadowgod,

    This weekend sucked in comparison to the last. While the company was good,the task was less then desirable.
     
    I spent the weekend - Saturday really - helping my cousin move most of his downstairs into a storage unit in preparation for his move into a new house next month. It was going fine, he came up with the ever so brilliant idea of "Load an object... drink a beer" that worked fine for the first load, but quickly deteriorated from there. needless to say we only got about 5 or so trips to the storage place in the 12 hours we were doing it .
     
    At some point an interesting question came up.
     
    "i know you told me before that you are bi-curious but... ?"
     
    Honestly, hearing that my first thought was, oh f**k i have to do this again? For coming out to be such a life changing event, it has sure turned out to be forgettable on most fronts, at least to the people I told. Which is odd, because I can distinctly tell you the time and place I told everyone throughout the years.
     
    I had to explain to my cousin that is was a little more then bi-curious, and he correctly gaged which end of the fence I was squarely facing. that however led to other, more interesting questions and statements... Top Bottom etc... Have you ever? Stop looking at my ass!
     
    he asked if him making cock sucker comments upset me. Why is it that the sudden realization that I may be a cocksucker would make people think the label used in jest would offend me? It never has in the past. Tossing a adult magazine in my lap isn't going to offend me. I can look at straight porn and appreciate what is there as much as the next guy. I'm not fragile. I'm still a guy, just one who happens to find other guys attractive above the majority of girls out there.
     
    he asked me if I thought he was sexy. I had to answer honestly.
     
    Nope the years have not been good to you
     
    Okay so not much honesty, but for the honesty the answer lacked, I made up with a liberal dose of sarcasm. I love the guy, in many ways he is more of a brother then my own brother. We were raised together, reared at my grandmothers knee.
     
    It was nice to hear that he loves me no matter what, that he just wants me to be happy in life: again. To tell you the truth I could stand to hear that from him many more times and never loose what it means to hear. Not for him, not for me, but to know that no matter what we are, and always will be, us.
  7. shadowgod

    Way down yonder

    By shadowgod,

    snippets from the odyssey thats was GA's Dallas 2008...
     
    Cleaning ceilings is apparently passe. It shouldn't be, the strangest things end-up, up there. You only need to watch 'Something About Mary' to understand that liquids often do defy the laws of gravity. The first room I checked into did indeed have what appeared to be a trail of blood along the ceiling directly over the bed.
     
    That coupled with the view of the u-haul rental place and the 1/2 star accommodation's flanking... well I went and checked in elsewhere. What was good though, when i checked out about 20 minutes after I had checked in, i was asked if I used the room.
     
    Yeah I reserved a room for three nights just to use it for an afternoon meeting for twenty minutes. Whats better is the front desk lady tried to get me in trouble by calling my wife and telling her they weren't charging my card for anything. HAHA joke is on her, I don't have a wife.
     
    Origami Stars are made simply to pass the time. When one of those stars is lost, due to an errant toss of a pillow, House keeping will find it and place it safely on the desk. Don't ask me how or where they found it, all I know is neither Joe, nor Michelle, or I could find the thing.
     
    Randomness...
     
    Black Cherry Soda's can and will explode.
     
    No matter who you drink it with ( or off of ) cheap tequila will always taste like crap
     
    Even in Six Flags; shit happens.
     
     
    I had a great time, sans a few incidents. Already looking forward to seeing you all again.
     
    Steve
  8. shadowgod
    Its been a busy couple of weeks. The only question that remains now is where to start?
     
    Gas, Grass, or Ass.
     
    Thats as good a place as any i suppose. the weekend CJ claimed I had been "detained" I was actually in his region of the lower 48. My uncle owns around 180 acres outside of Kingman Arizona. It was a good time, once everything fell into place. usual stuff happened, brother broke his truck etc. Did you know that the power steering and power brakes on a 05 Yukon operate off the same pump? How dumb is that? Where is the fail safe when two major systems can be taken out with one pump?
     
    Anyhow, the trip was good, after we decided that the Yukon would be okay for the most part. There was paint ball, hiking, a whole torn into the earth revealing the fiery depths of hell (Fire-pit ), and I even got to shoot skeet as the sun was sinking that Saturday. On the downside I didn't get to shoot my cousins .45 which I dearly love to do, that makes the last three trips I have been able to. the first time he didn't bring enough rounds, the second; he forgot the clip; and this last time; well time simply ran away from us.
     
    Holy Dorothy!
     
    Last Thursday was interesting. Thunderstorms and tornado's OH MY! I know tornado's are common in most parts of the US, however hearing someone come across the radio and say that one, no two, tornado's have been spotted in your imediate area is rather interesting, and exciting I guess. Beyond the swirling vortex, the hail was more interesting. Roughly pea sized and blanketed everything. I have pictures I'll have to put up so you guys can see.
     
    Other things that happened that Thursday. My uncle went in to have a section of his colon removed. They took more then they were planning. A second tumor was discovered while they had him open. Cancerous cells where even discovered in his lymph nodes. Those were removed as well. It appears he had (has?) Stage 2 Cancer. The surgery went well, besides the surprise guests, and he was released this last Sunday. I am not sure of the treatment barrage, though I know radiation isn't a viable option; it sorta kills the intestine.
     
    Everything else...
     
    Besides all of that, I've been busy. Classes are winding down. GA Dallas 2008 is quickly approaching. I am looking forward to seeing everyone again, and meeting some new faces as well. Even if Trebs was given instructions not to let me bring strays home. I was advised the term 'stray' is negotiable, and that my hotel room does not, in fact, count as home
     
    I think thats it for now...
     
    Catch ya'll on the flip side
     
    Steve
  10. shadowgod

    Round 2

    By shadowgod,

    A few people know my Aunt is just recovering from a battle with breast cancer that cost her, her left breast. She is the reason the pink racing Strip appeard on my home page. Her Cancer was agressive, and the "suspect" she had found doubled in size in the month it took her to get the mammography appointment. Subsequently it had spread into the lymph nodes on the left side of her body as well.
     
    Those were removed at the same time her left breast was removed. From there she faced chemo therapy and 5 day a week radiation barrage.
     
    She is good now, cept for a nagging pain where her left breast used to be.
     
    Monday her and her husband went and had colonoscopies.
     
    Today her husband, my uncle was diagnosed with cancer.
     
    I hope he is as objective with himself, as he was with her, when her diagnosis fell. For now I don't know what to do, I don't know what say. How can I be a marginally good with communicating when it is just me and an open word document, but when it comes to face to face interactions end up crippled? Perhaps it is because with the face to face interaction I wouldn't be able to maintain my demeanor.
  11. shadowgod

    bad words

    By shadowgod,

    Often lately I have been asking myself, 'What drives people to make the decisions they do?'
     
    There are things I just don't understand, and in many ways i really don't want to understand. Why does one person find it necessary to talk badly about another? Why would they misrepresent facts, even if they did so mistakingly? I don't understand these concepts. Granted I'm no angel, I'll be the first to freely admit that. However, I subscribe to that whole blasie 'live and let live' mumbo jumbo. You know the creed thats right there next to 'If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all,'.
     
    Don't read that wrong, I'll bitch when I think something is wrong, or I think someone is doing something stupid as well.
     
    I've been biting my tongue allot lately. I'd like to know why a few people made the choices they made. the only answer that can satisfy that curiosity and my sincere hope not to think less of these people is; They accepted single-sided council. They listened to only one side of the story. I sincerely hope that is the answer, because they are damn good people, not to mention damn fine writers.
     
    I miss them.
     
    I'm tired of being disappointed, yet somewhere I know it is the only possible outcome now. They listened to their council, made their decisions. I waited for proof of character and made mine.
     
    This proof, for me, came in a number of ways, and it was far too common to be mistaken for anything other then a significant signpost of character. when you hear an outstanding theme running through several opinions, well, it kinda shows you something. maybe their council's words carried more weight then the mounds of proof through past, and recent, actions. Yet, I fear the words that are being used to pollute their minds. Perhaps these aren't things I should be worrying about, but I hate to see other people being, being manhandled and used as pawns in something they had no involvement in.
     
    That, however, is how the world works. One vicious unending cycle of misrepresentation and out right lies. I just hope the people I respect, the people I admire will wake up and open their eyes to the words they have listened to.
     
    Steve
  12. shadowgod
    Life happens, when you're not looking. Allot of people, i think, fail to realize that. There is an expectation that one day we will wake up and Life is going to start. We'll have the career, the love, vacations in Spain etc. The only trouble is, in this yearning, this waiting for something big to happen; we overlook life. The fragments in time that shape our existence.
     
    Sometimes I have a nagging feeling that time is running away. I don't know what it is, or where it comes from, yet I still feel like I am staring down the barrel of a loaded gun.
     
    Me and Time have issues. I guess i could trace it back to my wanting to join the world early. It seems that was the last time I ever accomplished anything early, ever since its been late. I am now officially fed up with late, and sadly it seems the time for that is gone.
     
    I shouldn't have any right to bitch and moan. All in all, I have a okay life. I even have almost everything I could hope for, almost. It's just the pieces that are missing, their absence makes everything else seem hollow; unsubstantial. I am tired of the hollow.
     
    Sometimes, I wish I could write my life. I'd know where to go with all the self doubt. I'd know who was lurking just at the end of the next chapter. In the end I'd know it had all been worth it.
     
    Maybe this all steams from grappling with a stark reality. We are all told we are destined for greatness, when the only thing we are destined for is monotony. Day after day of the same routine, the same issues, and the same resolutions all blurring until one can no longer discern Monday from Friday, or the hours in between.
     
    I don't know where I'm going with this. Well I do; it hasn't helped much, just wasted more time.
     
    Steve
  13. shadowgod
    Snowdog was in town for an interview, by in-town I mean in the general Southern California area. It was neat, hadn't seen him since San Francisco.
     
    Quick version of events.
     
    Stowed my backpack in the trunk with recyclables.
     
    Chatted with Snow and Viv while driving out to Anaheim.
     
    Hung out at Viv's house for a few hours. She apparently cleaned for our arrival. Her son commented that it was odd that the place was clean , after he tried to con me into feeding the dog. What's with kids these days? :wacko:
     
    From there we wandered down to the block while waiting for Rich to get off. Viv said something about skater boys... they were all twelve, if you didn't count the ones standing in a clump smoking cigarettes, I doubt they were old enough to purchase the cigarettes though.
     
    She mentioned Step up 2, or some other grossly marketed failure of the Hollywood studio system. One word -- Vetoed, with prejudice even.
     
    Rich called shortly after Viv procured her Jamba Juice, so we left to pick him up. From there we did the mini-golf thing.
     
    I stink at mini-golf, or anything that has to do with balls really. (I'll leave a therapist try to figure that one out). Nevertheless it was a good time, i even managed to get a hole in one... twice. Low point, gnats... thousands of them wafting in the early evening breeze, looking like those patio misters at restaurants in palm springs. So it was an interesting mix of swing, duck, and run to an area that wasn't over run with the little buggers. Not to mention a good laugh was out of the question, extra protein need not apply if you catch my drift.
     
    Anyhow, I even managed not to come in fourth place, that was all Viv by about 4 strokes... Now she is going to say its the stroke she enjoys.
     
    Dinner was Ancho's again, a good place, and they do have killer tortillas. Atmosphere is a tad bland, doesn't mean I didnt enjoy the view
     
    This is where the 95 shades of red comes in; Yeah, I sorta zoned out into my own little world for a second. So the world happened to be centered around the hind quarters that belonged to the next tables waiter.
     
    next thing I know a Viv's hand is slapping down on the table, and she is all "So Caught" to make matters worse, Snow and Rich were both staring at me a smiling that 'we know what you were looking at' smile. Yeah, caught scoping out the waiter...
     
    If you were there you would have been checking him out too. Honestly though, there were two, The one waiter, and one of the bus boys. If I could have convinced our less appealing waiter to wrap the two of them up in a doggy bag...
     
    After Anchos, and my complexion returning to a color of normalcy we decided on hitting the movies and seeing Vantage Point. Um yeah so maybe Step Up 2 would have been better, but Im sure there would have been a row of just as annoying girls crying rape in the seat behind us. and don't even get me started on the train wreck on the screen. Just reference grossly marketed failure statement from above. Bad just... yeah bad, save your money, or really teach them a lesson for releasing this .... stuff and go find a website to download it off of.
     
    Man this is getting hideously long...
     
    I guess I'll save how my uncle completely forgot the drunken conversation I had with him on New Years Eve, hell he even forgot I was there, for next time
  14. shadowgod

    Crisis of Faith

    By shadowgod,

    I went out with Viv the weekend before last. We enjoyed a sun and rain filled day at Disneyland with Will and Rich. It was a grand time all things considered. Will got a kick out of the "happy" guy in mock lederhosen who was checking seat belts on the Matterhorn. Horrible ride by the way, I swear I bruised my scrotum on its jostling turns.
     
    For those of you who don't know, Viv doesn't do down. So that killed allot of the rides at the park across the way. Though we did have an interesting conversation about the impact on machismo by calling a guys unit cute. In my opinion, cute is a death stroke. You just don't do that, there are plenty of other adjectives in the English language. Lets just leave cute out of it okay? Cute is puppies and babies, It's bear cubs and furry baby seals. Calling a guys dick cute is like taking all of those cuddly things and tossing them into a chipper shredder, along with the guys self image.
     
    After we went to a Mexican restaurant back over in my neck of the woods. Long way to drive for tortillas, but Viv claims the margaritas rock.
     
    There was a young couple there, She was sitting in chair by the window, He was standing, shielding her for view. Sort of, as if he were sub-consciously protecting her from some perceived threat. It wasn't the typical "I have separation issues so let me hang all over you" that you normally see with young couples. There was a aura of shivery involved, as she and his mother sat and he stood. They needn't be pawing over one another or constantly touching. Just the proximity was enough. her comfort was enough.
     
    It's when I see that I feel alone, and a longing for it. That usually brings with it a hunger for some societal concocted sense of normality. I know the the thinking is flawed and stupid. I know that I would think less of person who thought the same way, but in moments of self pity and loneliness, I can't help but wonder if i could give it a go, along with a whole host of other things I am too ashamed to give voice to here.
     
    I don't like when I start thinking this way. It seems so... defeated, so... uncharacteristic to allow myself to get caught up in the expectations of society. It's not though, we are supposed to bend to the will of those around us. Its barely noticeable, but actions evolve to suit our surroundings.
     
    beh I'm rambling and I should be working.
     
    I'll catch ya all later.
    Steve
  15. shadowgod

    Snakes and such

    By shadowgod,

    Return of the odd dreams. The last time we visited my cracked out subconscious, there were meteors and the world breaking up into little islands in space. This go around snakes. Not on a plane. Samuel L. Jackson wasn't there in as his slick line goodness. Just the snake, in my top dresser drawer. It was dark green like a broad tropical leaf, and its length was plastered with reddish brown diamonds.


    Yes it had a rattle.
     
    I had a pair of tongs, and an old pillow case.
     
    For the most part the dream was pointless. It came on the heels of another dream that I have had off and on for years. I guess my phobia find a fertile field in my R.E.M. sleep.
     
    Why do fears haunt our dreams? Do you suppose animals dream about the things they fear? Does a bear dream of Hunters all winter, or is the Human race the only one gullible enough to fall victim to Gatorade colored ooze that is out to steal our lives away.
     
    I had a kid in one of those dreams once. It was a nice dream, it was until the ooze got him.
     
    I guess, I am victim to too many horror movies as a child. Movies the likes of Blob and Creepshow and Creepshow 2. In the later there are kids in a lake, and in the lake is a black blob that eats them alive. Kind of interesting I guess, though very wrong.
     
    Anyhow, Im posting this (as with the previous two entries) with Microsoft's LiveWriter. Interesting, you don't have to log onto GA to post an entry you can do it all from an icon on your desktop. Similarly you can send a blog post in if you have word 2007. Only problem there I can tell so far is that word, as word is wont to do, screws up the punctuation in transition.
  16. shadowgod

    What the hell?

    By shadowgod,

    I know the whole dating game is just that a game. A way to find out what interests us, and what we can definately live with out. That said, why do we feel intimidated by people we find interesting? Under that intimidation, why do we take the next thing? Why not just soldier through and grow a set or two and ask the person we find interesting out?
     
    My sister has this hot and cold crush on the guy that works down the way. She is too affraid to move things along, fearing rejection I guess. I can relate to that, but what I find highly confusing is how she is going on a "date" with this other guy with wonky ears; especialy since so many other better looking people have asked her out.
     
    There was the guy in the blue s10. She told him sorry it was a bad time for her. Bad time? single, stuck on some guy thats just as scared as you are, or too busy talking about his girlfriend in Canada, or Germany, or wherever... She also mentioned s10 was too young for her.
     
    Too young... BEH! I scoff at the notion!
     
    Anyhow, this guy she is going to breakfeast with stole her number. Stole it, he asked to see her phone then he used it to call his phone under the guise of "giving her his number". How disrespectful is that? not to mention overall weird and crazy, but to steal something and then lie about it? What does this say for any future relationship?
     
    There is also a slew of other crap surronding this that goes into jobs and the like.
     
    It's just frustrating.
     
    She needs to date more...
     
    But, why him?
  17. shadowgod

    Finding the Good

    By shadowgod,

    I lie to myself, with all my assertions that i am happy. Do not get me wrong I am for the most part, but saying I am happy and not mentioning some of the things that really bother me is, in itself, a form of fibbing no? I'm currently sitting in a broom closet of an office at a Job I have grown to dispise over the last several months. There where promises, and then out right lies.
     
    Evrything has boiled down to the point where everything I, or the rest of the management team, do is second guessed and even blatently discounted. I can't help but feel I have wasted a significant portion of my life on this place. then again I am feeling that alot these days, such is the nature of this time of year. It could be differnet, shouldn't people occasionally side with the people the have employed for years? Shouldn't they? Everytime there is issue it's our fault and it's amazingly annoying.
     
    Why am I bitching here? Eh, saves from typing up my notice.
     
    Why not write my notice and be done with the shit? Eh, bills.
     
    Quick note to all you guys out there saying you want to grow up now. Stop, chill, relish the moment, before you know it you'll have all sorts of bills and a load of other concerns over not being able to go to that party on friday night. there are moments I would give anything to have those little problems back. Sure they don't seem so little at the time, but in the grandeous scheme of life they really are.
     
    I could also go into the "I'm lonely" schtik. I am, but whining about it on a blog won't do me any good though it may do you all some good to know your not the only ones. At least we can comiserate in blog entries right?
     
    Thats me, the optimistic pesimist. Always hoping for the best, expecting the worst, and looking for the good where ever I can find it. Maybe that is what feeds my loyalty, this incesent need to find the good, where no good can any longer exist. It would explain alot in regards to the job I no longer look forward to, but its implications scare me about what ever relationship I may ever end up in.
     
    Will I be that clingy queen? the one with tear stained cheeks, red puffy eyes. Clutching an ankle while being dragged across the carpet. Begging for just one more chance, one more day to find the good?
     
    I hope not.
     
    It would probably be something more inhumane and tragic. If you love something let it go...
  18. shadowgod

    Happy Endings

    By shadowgod,

    I was chatting on MSN the other night and the subject of Happy Endings came up. It seems there is a trend against them. People tire of reading them, convinced that they don't exist.
     
    Call me an idealist, but isn't that the point of a happy ending? Is it not an escape from the reality we know and see everyday? Truthfully, how many of us have personal knowledge of a sustained Happy Ending? Who is to say Cinderella and Prince charming fell into a loveless distant relationship after the whirlwind courting. Who is to say that Jacob one day rushed into a burning building and never made it back out.
     
    Nobody, there is not enough information given past the conclusion given. My point is this we all have happy endings, we just don't realize it at the time. If the story of our life were to conclude at the happy moment, everything would be roses and okay. Lives don't though, they go on, and often the ending provided is more sullen, more grasping at what there is no more of, then a fitting end should be.
     
    I've read stuff like that. Went far beyond the scope of the story, far beyond the original problem to be overcome. It got to the point where I wanted to write the author and defend his own characters from him. Honestly how much crap can you throw at people and expect them to survive, abusive Fathers, beatings, separation etc. I stopped reading the story, for all the crap the guy went trough he deserved his happiness. I didn't care if it was for a month a year or until they died in each others arms. They just deserved it.
     
    What do you guys think? Happy Endings: good, or overdone?
  19. shadowgod

    B-rated dreams

    By shadowgod,

    What does it mean when you dream about home, but the home you dream about is a house you haven't lived in for ten years?
     
    In keeping with earlier crack-headed dreams; I had a dream last night. It was odd in the way anyone blowing their head off is odd. I was at home and there was this strange guy there. Mid 50's stocky and bald, I don't know this person. I don't know why he was in my head last night. I surely don't know why my head decided it was prudent for him to remove his.
     
    I think he was an associate of my Dads, former army pal or something. At least that was the premise, as I have met some of my dad's army buddy's and this guy looked nothing like any of them. I'd venture to say he was very Danny DaVito-ish; only bald and more tan. Anyhow this guys presence was not of question to my parents so he certainly must have belonged.
     
    Anyhow he didn't show up for dinner and I was sent in search of him seeing as he was lodged in my childhood bedroom. When I got there, I saw the red splatter on the walls and turned around. I felt nauseous, because of the blood to be sure. Anyhow I told my parents they needed to call 9-1-1, and then I rethought it. Considering the event was no longer an emergency, the guy was obviously dead, his head was on my wall, I told my sister she had better just call the police instead. No need in tying things up for a real emergency I guess.
     
    Jump forward to staying in a hotel room, because well
  20. shadowgod
    Shawn is bad.
     
    Who is Shawn? Hell if I know, but what I do know is I don't like Shawn very much; he nor his cohorts. He is just one of the millions of people world wide that think just because they have an opinion they should share it.
     
    First of all Shawn, Shut the F@#$ up!
     
    I get it, you think it's a sin; great the majority of the world agrees with you. Yet, who benefits from your assertions that it is a sin? You? Surely not you're straight so it shouldn't matter. The people that would rather not hear you spout off? Take a hint they're not listening. Future generations? Well with it being a sin and all they will just have to kill themselves; oh wait, that's a sin too, so is lying and a whole litany of other crap. Well, might as well get to hell early and get a good seat right?
     
    My point is this: No one benefits from you asserting that opinion, nothing good comes from it, so again refer to the line above telling you to shut your pie hole.
     
    Beh, I had a whole blog typed out, and the above is all I saved from it.
     
    I guess I'm really angry with Shawn because, well because he reminds me of my mother.
     
    the two of us had anothr interesting conversation Friday night. Which jumped around, but always skirted the "gay agenda".
     
    She brought it up I didn't. We were discussing history, and how much of what is taught regaring American history is either skewed or an outright lie. Then she went into a fit over the theory of Abraham Lincoln possibly being gay.
     
    So what if he was? would that tid-bit detract from his presedency? Would it nullafy his stance on Slavery, quash his words in the Gettysburg Address or his second Inagural? No. But there isn't any concrete proof he was; only peoples assumptins over a few close fiendships he maintaned.
     
    She went on to say that she wil never buy anything from Dolche and Gabana. While I agree I will never buy anything from Dolce and Gabana we differ on reasons.
     
    Me: Their stuff is crap
    Her: They feature two same sex couples kissing in their tv ad.
     
    Kids shouldnt be subjected to that don't you know? was her argument. I countered with, then again it might be good for the kid out there that thinks he is odd, that thinks he's a freak.
     
    Anyhow it degraded to the point Im yelling at that dipshit Shawn above.
     
    The bible says so... yeah she went there again, Just like she always does. Should I mntion now that she doesn't go to Church, doesn't read the bible with any regularity.
     
    I chewed away at that reason too. Leviticus prohibits it, yet Jesus quashed the Laws of Leviticus.
     
    Somehow it all led to her saying Hiter was gay...
     
    WTF? why can Hitler be gay and not Lincoln?
     
    I don't think she realized the allusion she made.
     
    I don't think she realizes how her words kill another piece of me everytime she does this. I want to be angry with her, I just can't.
  22. shadowgod
    So last night Viv's GA outreach snagged one more.
     
    The other Steve (our very own wildone) is in town doing the vacation thing ,and Viv talked him to meeting a couple of crazy natives. It was cool to meet wildone. Very nice guy, even if I was held up and my promise of arriving at sixish turned into more like sevenish. You see the other Steve had promised to bring cold weather with him. Turns out he knows his stuff, cause go figure No rain in months, and it pretty much rained all damn day. Effectively drowning out our plans at mini-golf.
     
    So yeah I arrived late, thanks to rain, and Californians basically panicking ala henny penny. I swear a little water falls from the sky and we freak out. Anyhow, they were huddled under the awning at the ESPN zone in Downtown Disney. We had previously agreed to go to dinner at BJ's (see earlier blogs. It's a pizza / brewhouse pretty good too) and go mini golfing which turned into movie-ing.
     
    We piled into Viv's car where, (sorry doll) She was adamant that Jason was not to be trusted, and that she had the directions to the Bj's in Cerritos. You get on the freeway and get off at Griddly, or no wait Studebaker, or no wait Bj's was on Studebaker. Wait no again it was 183rd between Studebaker and Griddly.
     
    General destination set, sorta we set off. One free way off ramp and a slight detour (okay two) because you can't make a U-turn later we found ourselves at BJ's. Looking at a one hour and 45 minute wait. It was raining, where in the hell did all these people come from? So sadly We ditched Bj's and the Nutty Brewnette beer that they have which is oh so good.
     
    Instead we walked down the way to Olive Garden, old faithful. It was okay, wait wasn't as bad, though it seemed to be Bj's spill over because as soon as we gave our name several other people came in as well. Here's where it got interesting. Totally contrary to the evidence of the paramedics arriving to take a patron away on a gurney, We waited and were eventually sat, thankfully not at the table where the woman they took away in an ambulance was.
     
    I just realized the most interesting crap happens when I have Dinner with Viv :wacko:
     
    She picked on because I opened the menu and looked at. so cruel she is
     
    Yes I did order what I usually eat, but that isn't the point!
     
    We had yet another scary waitress... or set. The first was sweet, and a little bumbling the second however opened her eyes really wide when she talked.
     
    After diner was the movie in Buena Park (we took the other Steve on a tour of Orange County ) Viv suggested Dan in Real life. I objected, she claimed "You... ARE... THE... KILLER... OF a good time!" overly dramatic and completely playing on a line from the movie.
     
    She all suggested August Rush, and got her cute Dreamy Lovey face. Testosterone won the day however and we saw Beowulf.
     
    Yes. Viv watched a scary movie :twothumbs:
     
    It was a good movie, The technology is still lacking in matching the look of skin. I dunno what it is, they try to enhance he look with pores but they end up placing too many and, well still not there and some of the animation is wonky IMHO. Other then that, I found falling into the same trap I always do. I always develop some sense of empathy for the bad characters.
     
    Smeagle in LOTR. I've had a soft spot for the character since childhood when I saw an animated version of The hobbit and how Bilbo Baggins stole his precious. WRONG!
     
    and now Grendel, just tragic, so childlike and monstrous at the same time. I guess a part of me pleads for their inner humanity. They are after all not void of it. yeah I'm a big softee sometimes, what do you want?
     
    The movie was amusing in that it went to great lengths to tease the audience with full frontal male nudity on no less then two characters. The one you really didn't want to see, as well, he was old and, yeah nothing you wanted to see there. Then there was Beowulf who, while being digitized and of questionable skin mapping was... yeah damn candle stick damn sword hilt... damn steam!
     
    After the movie Rich went to work, Viv almost missed her turn taking Steve to his Hotel... I screamed in the back seat!
     
    and she talks about crazy cabbies...
     
    Steve gave us gifts matching Yuks Touques ( ) anyhow its a knit cap what we here call a beanie. That was nice of him. He also said we were good writers Very nice guy, so you guys should say hi to him, and not traumatize him with stories of thunderstorms. I learned that the hard way with LiS.
     
    Steve, Thanks for diner, thanks for the Yuk Touque ( ) It was great meeting you, and don't be too afraid of our craziness if you return next year!
     
    Steve
     
    PS the misspelling I was just testing to see if you guys catch it
  23. shadowgod
    ***WARNING*** useless b*tching below ***WARNING***
     
    Why is it that some people just have to be pig-headed and obstinant just for the sake of being pig-headed and obstinant? Furthermore, why are these people related to me?
     
    So quick run down.
     
    I wasn't at work yesterday (Thank God for Sundays!) Anyhow there was a bit of a mishap where a custermer paid for $20 of product. recieved it, then through some sort of error or system screw-up proceded to get $31 more product.
     
    the custermer then claimed she didnt have any more money and she was not going to pay for the $31 of product she recieved. YAY right? Anyhow the deal is simple if you recived it you pay for it. If not we can call the cops and they'll sort the mess out. Usualy this involves telling the custermer that they have to pay for stuff and if they don't its called theft.
     
    Iterestingly enough the lady who claimed not to have any more money (honestly how many people get into a vehicle and do not have some sort of payment in case of emergencies?) Qucikly enough found $40 that she didn't have before.
     
    Great problem solved, except she took the opertunity to claim it was racialy motivated, and began cursing up a blue streak.
     
    Sad really.
     
    So my sister was talking about this today, saying if she was the lady who went all ghetto. She would have said, "Your Cashier screwed up not me..."
     
    I stopped her right there and explained the details of the situation.
     
    She didn't like the fact that I was enlightening her to all of the details that she was talking about. So she got all upity and wanted to argue with me about it saying that I didn't know what I was talking about. I came into the middle of a conversation and had to through my view in.
     
    let's nevermind the fact that I was standing there the entire time she was talking about it.
     
    So she wouldnt listen and is convinced she has the right idea.
     
    Sad really. What's worse is I rarely get to meet this side of her, usualy shes more rational with me, and at least humors reason.
     
    I guess she didn't want to today... so, um yeah i dunno.
     
    In other news I have like 16 1/2 hours of mandatory writing lab hours to make up in the next 3 weeks, who thinks I can do it?
     
    Why all english classes at my college require 18 hours of writing lab time is beyond me but they do. I guess I could go in and pretend to be working on english and futz with project cody. or maybe even the overdue fall anthology which would go well for the winter anthology. I dunno
     
    well till later I guess
     
    Steve
  24. shadowgod
    For the love of good golly god and all the little children dont see fred claus!
     
    Need I say more?
     
    I can, but I feel dumberer now having watched it.
     
    And why did they show a tomboy with a bat but not a fabulous *snap* boy with a hoola hoop?
     
    So yeah BAD MOVIE ask Viv, (who for the record chose said movie cause she didn't want to see saw IV or Beowulf (which sounded awesome)) look at me rock the double perenthi .... (yeah I made it up) And don't listen to her she claimed I chose it she lies! (jeff does too so dont listen to him either!)
     
     
    Now here's Viv...
     
    Oh boy, new keyboard and no mouse... I'll do my best with what I have while Steve's kitty nuzzles my foot.
     
    First of all... he owes me some cookies and I may hold his laptop hostage until delivery of said cookies... so it's my fault if there are no Shadowgod updates... Jeff said so and he's like... next to god or something, being an Angel and all.
     
    My daughter was on the ten naughtiest kids in the world list. There was a floating green, velvet elf hat on Vince Vaughn's crotch. Mrs. Claus was... a bitter old cookie monger and should have to sleep with... someone grody.
     
    You know those people that are always behind you in a movie theater that talk loud and laugh and make comments the whole movie and by the time your done with the movie you want to murder them for disrupting your movie going experience? Yeah well... that was us tonight, but I thik they were sending thankful glances at us instead of irritated ones... right Steve?
     
    I'm joining Siblings Anonymous! I am, after all, a recovering sibling.
     
    So I'm not sure if it's a good or a sad thing that we predicted every part of the movie, right down to Chirp-Chirp. *Hi Nico* Purrrrrrr
     
    OMFG WHAT IS ON YOUR IPOD STEVE?!!! (WHAT? leave the siameses cat song alone!)
     
    Moving on...
     
    My work called while we were in the movie cause some old lady fell in the parking lot and cut her head open and the paramedics came so I had a mild spaz attack as Steve found where I parked my car.
     
    Back to Steve...
     
    Stomp it out Viv...
     
    Oh yeah she also says that sant should NEVER be aloud to touch her with the groody hands... they were bad I'll admit it but I am also sure I wont have any reoccuring nightmares about those disproportionately "chubby" hands....
     
    On the plus side the music was good, save for here comes santa claus over and over and over and over and well you get the point. Honestly With that song on continuous rotation the claims of Jolly old saint nick being megalomaniac are founded.
     
    OH and yeah it starts with Kathy bates in LABOR another reason to stay far away far in the hell away. Honestly she looked better swinging a sledge hammer at my ankles.
     
    Viv here...
     
    Steve's trying to soothe the cookie issue with cake... I'll consider it. I think it's disco night here. Oh and Steve did the fabulous snap in the movie which was cute Maybe Strawberry shortcake.
     
    I was talking sensually to his cat while it was his turn... I said, "Hi big boy... "
     
    Anyway, Steve said the elves running at the end didn't have their legs spread the right amount... mmHMM! Since he's the expert on elves with spread legs...
     
    I'm hearing in bits and pieces... sheep go to heaven, and his cat's winking or something...
     
    Oh and, I just have to ask... do the kids in Spain leave flan for Santa instead of cookies? Lemme know, yeah?
     
    Steve... don't forget the PS Part when you're done.
     
    Alright first of all the flan was in Spanish Harlem not Spain, second of all you really dont want to know what was wink'n blink'n and nodding at you as you were typing. :|
     
    I think thats about it, just you know don't see the movie, even if its base messege is kind of endearing... All kids deserve toys.. yeah I know Im a sap but the approach could have been better then the mindless drival the projector so effortlessly spewed onto the screen.
     
    Anyhow there is talk of cross posting this in her blog... so if you read hers already and made it to this point again, well Im sorry you have gleened nothing new and are probably worse for the ware now that you have had double exposure. but its still better then seeing the movie.
     
    So yeah um I think thats it, I think...
     
    ps Go willie! AND, I want a green velvet hat floating around my crotch as I do the tush shake... where's the justice!
     
    Steve and Viv
  25. shadowgod

    Small Town Gay Bar

    By shadowgod,

    My sister is somewhat of a Kevin Smith freak. In fact Kevin Smith is the only person that she would screw on personality alone, or so she claims. Anyhow, after the disasterous screening of Fred Claus (two snaps down, wayyyyyy down) with Viv, my sister suggested we watch this DVD she rented from Netflix called Small Town Gay Bar. It was pretty interesting, and reminds some of us in more liberal populations of the fight that is still out there.
     
    in fact my sister posed the comment, "I didn't know it was still like that anywhere."
     
    Perhaps a bit nieve on her part, but still it was neat that she went out and rented it of her own accord.
     
    It was a pretty good documentary in my opinion even though some queen decries it on IMDB.COM. Poor old queen would rather ignor the hate that will spill over and affect us all if we don't fight it.
     
    Yeah it sucks seeing 6 year olds holding signs that read "God Hates Fags", but the monster in our closet that is Westboro isnt going to go away simply because we dont want it to be there. It's one of those bad monsters that feed on fear and ignorance. The film shines a directed light on that fear and ignorance, by highlighting the torture and murder of Scotty Weaver, and an interview with the false prophet Fred Phelps.
     
    It's amazing how these people preach from the pulpit, forgetting a basic tennent in Christianity.
     
    Judge not, least ye be judged...
     
    With that in mind, I'll see you in Hell Fred.
     
    Steve
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