Jump to content
Geron Kees ×

shadowgod

Classic Author
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    2,101

  • Joined

  • Last visited

 Content Type 

Blog Entries posted by shadowgod

  1. shadowgod
    Much less preferable then last week. It started out more or less the same. Monday brings work, then the phone call came. The phone call its self wasn't all that surprising. I have an aunt who has been... existing in Oregon. Living in the trailer park with her husband, and her daughter (who is about a month younger then I) and her 4 (?) kids. Anyhow she has been calling lately, mending bridges she burned a number of years ago with a bad real estate agreement.
     
    My mom has been sending clothes, and christmas gifts up via some curier service or another. Anyhow, this Aunt called Monday morning. "It's January again," she said in resignation. The paramedics had just left. Her husband had passed sometime in the night. Massive coronary inclusion they said. Dead before he hit the ground.
     
    I'm confused about it though. I feel no remorse for the man. I feel bad that my aunt is in the situation, but not overly so because she should have walked away from him a long time ago. I wonder, if this basic lack of sympathy makes me some sort of monster?
     
    I'd like to think not. He was the monster, with wandering hands for his step children. I don't understand why my aunt ever got back with him. when he was out of the picture serving his court mandated "time away" she had a clean house, her kids listened. As soon as he came back into the picture it was udder chaos. All he did was sit in front of the tv and drink pepsi. Well aside from messing with the kids.
     
    I guess I'll never understand, and I'll never take pause in his exit from this world.
     
    My sister asked if he ever tried anything with me, if that was the reason I am the way "I am". No I never spent enough time at that house to be indoctrinated into such... things. I guess I am lucky in that regard, but now I wonder how many will think he did and because he did that is the reason I am the way "I am".
     
    I don't know if he was sorry for what he did. What i do know is that sorry doesn't always fix things. Sorry doesnt instantly rebuild trust where it was wasted, or give birth to it, where it never existed before. Point is I guess, even if he did regret. Regret is not enough, it's a step in the right direction even if you had made one step forward and two steps back in the past.
  2. shadowgod

    Unnatural Fears

    By shadowgod,

    I'm afraid I'm going to say something stupid.
     
    I'm afraid I'm making a mountain out of a mole-hill
     
    I'm afraid I'll wake up tomorrow and everything will be how it was two weeks ago.
     
    I'm afraid I'll listen to my brain when it tells my heart to shut up, again.
  3. shadowgod

    I may be crazy

    By shadowgod,

    12 units, and 40hrs+ per week.
     
    Okay, so the 40hrs thing may be a bit of a fib anymore. Truth is I am only at work for 6hrs Mondays and I shag my ass out of that hole as fast as I can the remaining 4 days in the work week. Mondays I have a good excuse, 1 class at 2 in the afternoon another at 7 in the evening. I'm still in that whole getting used to the schedule phase. Should be quelled here quickly, as I already have a paper due for my Friday class, and another due for the English class I'm in.
     
    Fun right? Odd thing is, I'm not feeling stressed, I know I will soon with the math class. It isn't my best subject, and I can do it, it just takes a little more work getting my brain wrapped around the concepts. Thank god its the last one I have to take for a bit. I should really take one more, just to have a good cushion for the transfer to UC I want.
     
    In other news...
     
    One of the owners of the company I work for Died suddenly about six weeks ago. Contact with the office has been sparse since then. A host of people come in and sit, watching the activity level in the store. Maybe I won't have to worry about retaining this job much longer.
     
    Granted, I commute to far, and with School it would really nice to not have to worry about work. The downside is, its a job. I have it, and I don't have to bother looking for a new one. However if they sell it, it will be a moot point anyhow... It was time to look for greener pastures years ago. Now it just seems like I'm stuck in some whole f aux noble cause; riding the sinking ship to the very bitter end.
     
    ***
     
    I went and had a physical for the first time, well since it was performed by a pediatrician who mocked my Velcro closing sneakers I wore at the time. No I don't remember the brand, I do however remember they were tan, and had a Kangaroo as the logo. But yeah its been the better part of my life I believe.
     
    Typical stuff I guess, I feared the whole prostate exam. I know its childish, but thoughts of a middle aged guy in a lab coat approaching me with a latex clad, out stretched finger and a tube of lube, dammit it's just scary okay! In reality it was a needless worry, he didn't even go there ( THANK GOD! ) though he did tell me like ten times he was checking me for a hernia. Honestly he only had to say it once...
     
    Turns out I am healthy, though I could use a few pounds. 13 to be precises, according to the doctor. WiiFit says 6 lbs. I should trust the guy who went to school forever over a piece of glorified plastic right? Yes I know I should...
     
    Labs were good, I'm at about the mid-level on everything important. No STD's, HA! knew that before hand, but I guess a validating test is good to have right?
     
    Anyhow back to slicing and dicing a speech by MLK jr.
     
    Catch ya on the flip side,
     
    Steve
  4. shadowgod
    Maybe it is the season, maybe it is something else, but there seems to be a lot of talk about love these days. Whether the topic be about friends with bennies, or taking a significant other for life, the underlying emotion is love; to me at any rate.
     
    It's such an innocuous word, love. All to often thrown around at a whim, or a panging of the soul, but what does it mean? Sure we all have our own definition of the word, our own belief, or idea. Often, however, it isn't a idea that translates in conversation. Maybe bits and pieces fit some generalized vague definition, but can we ever say yes that is love? To add proof to the concept of love being vague, is our endless need to add adjectives preceding the word such as Romantic... Platonic.. Unconditional...
     
    I'm sorry but shouldn't all love be unconditional? What does it say about you, or me, as a person if we give our love freely, but with strings attached? Perhaps that is the lesson we all must learn in the grandiose scheme of things, to give our love freely, with out exception, or expectation of love in return. Imagine the world in which there was love but none of the usual hangups associated with the word.
     
    Then again, my understanding of the word may be fundamentally flawed. There may be more to love, then just caring about the well-being of another person. Perhaps the gift of love requires return in kind. Such a thought saddens me, even if I see it a constant reality.
     
    Perhaps, it is time we stopped asking "How could you?" and started saying "Good for you!". Perhaps, it is time for us to see that love is nothing more then wanting to make another person happy, and doing whatever is in out purview to sustain that happiness. Perhaps, it is time to take ourselves out of the equation and just concentrate on everyone else.
     
    Imagine if that was our reality. Would religion look the same? Would the world look the same? Probably not, it would probably be an alien and frightening world to each and everyone of us.
     
    Maybe so, but we would never have to wonder if someone loved us again. We would already know.
  5. shadowgod
    Updates updates updates...
     
    Wonky eared bastard from previous post. He's still annoying and still around, but I'll have my moment of retribution yet. he came in with his boss over the weekend and tried sneakery to change things. I hate when vendors do that, absolutely hate it.
     
    Classes are going good, the winter inter-session concludes this Thursday. Taking a sixteen week course in six weeks has been interesting, stressful, but interesting. I dunno I thought it would be cake, turns out I'm not real good at the turn around of an essay in roughly five days. That includes a rough draft and peer review and a final draft. Five days is barely enough to get a rough draft done, let alone the other two. The end result is that I have two essays now due on Thursday, fun right? I can brag and say the three I have turned in so far two have been 100's while the third was a disappointing 85.
     
    Par for the course I guess, I got the grade yesterday; needless to say it fit right in with yesterdays theme, which was shit in case you were wondering.
     
    I'm officially taking a break from English next term. I need to, it is interfering with other less academic pursuits. I know that sounds bad, but it is those less then academic pursuits that keep me relatively sane.
     
     
     
    A former employee stopped in today to pick up a copy of his W2, apparently he never received the copy that was mailed. Damnit if he still isn't as good looking as ever. he's quiet by nature, won't look a person he considers an authority figure in the eye. keeps his head down, but he has a wicked sense of humor and generally good personality.
     
    I miss the happy faces he used to draw over everything.
     
    Funny how something so simple can make the day better isn't it?
     
    Such is life, he got a better job, but he is still an adorable little grease monkey and if there was ever the slightest inclination he was interested I would definitely go for it. However, it seems I am consistently let down in that department. Luck of the draw I guess. He is still a perfect fantasy though, with his curly-brown scruffy hair, and quiet nature. For some odd reason he's the kind of guy you just want to hug.
     
     
     
    Till next we meet again, catch ya' on the flip side.
     
    Steve
  6. shadowgod

    At Random

    By shadowgod,

    You ever have a playlist set to random, and a song you haven't heard in a while starts, and you know it by heart with just the first few chords?
     
    When the rain is blowing in your face, and the whole world is on your case.
    I would offer you a warm embrace,
     
    To make you feel my love.
     
    When the evening shadows and the stars appear and there is no one to dry your tears,
    I could hold you for a million years,
     
    To make you feel my love.
     
    I know you havent made your mind up yet,
    But I would never do you wrong.
    I've known it from the moment that we met, there's no doubt in my mind where you belong.
    I'd go hungry,
    I'd go black and blue,
    I'd go crawling down the avenue,
    there aint nothing that I wouldnt do,
     
    To make you feel my love.
     
    The storms a raging on a rolling sea, and down the highway of regret.
    The winds of change are blowing wild and free,
    But you aint seen nothing like me yet.
    There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do,
    Go crawling to the ends of the eath for you.
    Make you happy, make your dreams come true,
     
    To make you feel my love.
     
    I'm sorry Kid, we failed...
  7. shadowgod

    The game begins.....

    By shadowgod,

    Alright, So I just posted the first chapter of my ongoing rewrite. What was once Failure of the Heart has morphed into Living in Surreality. Im very interested in what everybody will think of it. What I have gotten back from my circle (darker, more sinister name pending ) has been very encuraging including the following bit I got from my editor concerning My worries about chapter five.
     
    Seriously an amazing story you have here! I can't wait to read more... you have this amazing ability to make everything seem surreal in the moment but then the emotion is very real.
     
    I can't help but smile when ever I read that, plus she helped with the whole nameing problem with that one little compliment.
     
    So Hugs to Viv
     
    Thanks for editing and putting up with me
     
    Now I hope the rest of you enjoy and send me a note letting me know, or if you dont shoot me a note and let me know whats wrong!
     
    Steve
     
    Well that was stupid! wrote this yesterday, forgot to publish... what can I say always a writer never a publisher...
×
×
  • Create New...