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shadowgod

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  1. shadowgod

    Something Different

    By shadowgod,

    So yeah most of my blogs have been bleh lately. Not this one.
     
    I feel a little lost, because I'm not sitting in any class for the intersession. But to remedy that I do get to register for classes next Friday. Right now its looking like College level Algebra, or Statistics... Tuesday Thursday. Monday night they finally have a creative writing class. you can bet my ass is signing up for that! and I hoping to get an anthropology or world religions class in on Wednesday. We'll see how that goes but yeah definitely want classes Monday through Wednesday.
     
    I'd hit Friday up again but I dunno I thought the Saturday morning class sucked...
     
    I was also going to look into History 1 with all the cool cultures, but the Nazi is teaching the only History 1 class next semester, so yeah F that. I'm still up in the air over statistics or College level Algebra. The IGETC outline says that MAT 11 (College level Algebra) may not transfer completely to the UC, however the Course book says that MAT 11 credits transfer... So bleh. Worst case scenario, I take MAT 11 this coming semester, and then MAT 12 (statistics) later just to be safe...
     
    Other than that I really have to get cracking on the sciences. Anthropology will help, but I need physical sciences too. This sucks because all those classes are M-F morning or mid day with required Lab time at night. So yeah a little hesitant and unsure there.
     
    Meh I have a lot of crap to do, Taxes (always fun) DnCW (no I haven't forgotten, yes I feel like a damn fool for making everyone wait so long. Everyone except Vic that is, we know he only reads Dom ) A plethora of site stuff... including converting my hosted site over to PHP and you know join this decade before it is burnt to a crisp... oh wait thats 2012..... DAMN I wasn't supposed to let that out.... Ignore that part please
     
    Oh yeah speaking of DnCW I found a great song for some upcoming events. and out of fear anticipation of Graeme spiking CJ's hide... I shall give you guys the lyrics, let me know what you think.
     
    You've got such a pretty smile
    It's a shame the things you hide behind it
    Let 'em go, give it up, for a while
    Let 'em free and we will both go find it
     
    I know that there's nowhere you can hide it
    I know the feeling of alone
    I know that you do not feel invited
    But come back, come back in from the cold
     
    Step away then from the edge
    Your best friend in life is not your mirror
    Back away, come back away, come back away
    Come back away, come back away, come back away
    I am here and I will be forever and ever
     
    I know that there's nowhere you can hide it
    I know the feeling of alone
    Trust me and don't keep that on the inside
    Soon you'll, you'll be locked on your own
     
    You're not alone, you're not alone
    And don't say you've never been told
    I'll be with you till we grow old
    Til I'm in the ground and I'm cold
    I'm not sitting up here on some throne
    I'll be with you till we're both gone
    Like a dog you can always come home
    Dig up a bone
    Look around
     
    I Know ~Jude
     
    Umm yeah I think thats it for tonight.
     
    steve
  2. shadowgod

    Showing my hand....

    By shadowgod,

    I am an asshole, just so you know.
     
    My Uncle passed away recently, and honestly I have sympathy for the situation, but not for the man. I feel bad about this. It's like I have all these concerns and worries over people I care about, but little to nothing for the rest, even if they are members of my family.
     
    Family is supposed to be first. I have always been taught that. No matter what happens in life they are always there for you. It sounds great in a book, and in a hallmark card, but while having this notion drilled into me I have witnessed the reality. There is no one in the world so well equipped to hurt you as family. They know all the secrets, all the weaknesses.
     
    They are always the first in line with their hand out, or standing just far enough in the distance like lurking vultures, ready to take whatever they can get. That is family, and you can't choose the assholes that surround you.
     
    For those of you who don't know. I work with my family, well a good portion of them, my two sisters and my Aunt. I live with my parents and the same two sisters, so I am around them 24 hours a day.It was okay for a long time, but for the last two years or so it has become increasingly... problematic.
     
    All anyone around me does is bitch and moan about things they have no control over, or bitch for the art and sake of bitching. As if it is a sport or something to make the day more interesting.
     
    They tell me I'm always in a bad mood. I don't think I am, I mean how can a person who remains quiet be in a bad mood? Well other being tired of a situation to the point it probably seeps out of my pores.
     
    I don't think I'm a bad guy, but all I ever hear is how I am in foul mood from all directions. Yet if I ever smile I get snarls all around asking me "Why in the hell am I so happy?"
     
    I dunno, I guess I am unhappy and I just recognize it as normalcy, only ever catching happiness on the back of a summers twilight.
     
    If so, here's to those golden days, when dreams where young and anything was possible. The days when the world was mine, before time took it away.
     
    In other news....
     
    I have friends, and in connection with said friends; I have a roll of duct tape and a cactus. I'm not afraid to use them.
     
    catch y'all on the flip side
     
    steve
  3. shadowgod

    the aftermath.....

    By shadowgod,

    Have you ever had somebody, through their actions, ruin something for you? My brother is the only of my parents four children to spawn grandchildren. I know my hang-ups, I can't say what it is with my sisters... that's a whole different subject. Anyhow seeing as he has the only grandchildren he thinks he can get away with stuff, or dangle the two of them over our heads.
     
    He effectively has me burnt out on children. Knowing this pisses me off at him more. I mean how selfish can you be? How can you make demands of people who buy all of your kids damn school clothes, buy all of your kids damn Christmas? Do you think all that crap actually gets delivered by a fat man in a red suit?
     
    If this wasn't enough, he... no that is not accurate, he and his wife and his in-laws give everything to the older one. I seriously have issues with the older one. Yeah I play favorites, and its not her. Her little sister got a bike for Christmas. This is the second go round for bikes, the last attempt was two years ago. The older one fell a few times, because she was too big for the training wheels and ended up bending them.
     
    Got a phone call earlier in the week. The older one was so proud of herself. She taught herself to ride the younger ones bike. Oh yeah, it has been decreed the younger one cant ride till there are training wheels. Meanwhile she gets to watch her sister ride around on her bike...
     
    Sorry its just f**ked up, and it pisses me off how those dumb ass idiots give everything to the older one, and deny the younger whatever it is the older wants. My piss ant of a brother called again to tell us how much the older is enjoying the bike. Its just aggravating.
     
    Its bad that I can look at my niece and honestly say I don't like her very much. Is it her fault? No not really. Does this make me a bad person? I dunno. I'm not happy about how all this came about. I'm not happy that it is, but the fact remains it is.
     
    meh...
     
    My Christmas was.... well said mother of these two children decided I needed a camp shovel and a camp shower for Christmas. I don't know how to feel about this. On one hand, I didn't ask for anything so no worries. On the other though, I dunno, she bought my sisters jewelry and nice stuff and I got the wal-mart mark-downs. Granted, my sisters spend a lot more time with the nieces then I do, mostly because I cant stomach then inequality, but do they honestly think the money spent on the girls comes from my sister? With her big gray truck and big gas bill for her big gray truck?
     
    On the other hand, I did get exactly what I wanted for Christmas, Now the only problem is I want more. There is so much I miss already.
     
    Steve
  4. shadowgod
    It all started on a Sunday in January 2007. A day I stepped out of the comfortable world I knew and into something entirely different. The following 24 months have been a blur; mostly more of the same, but a trip to San Francisco and to Dallas. Those destinations are okay, what made them special was the people I met there.
     
    The smiles I received, a collection wholly owned by myself, are some of the most precious gifts I could have recieved. The friendships formed, make those smiles so much better. the first was in a crowded amusement park. Flanked by children and husband who was doing his best to look protective with out "looking" protective.
     
    the second was a smile that said finally... It wasnt a smile for me, but rather for the woman standing next to me who wore a similar one of her own.
     
    The third came a week ago. Hidden behind a column on my front porch as I opened the door to see Rich and our Viv, but not the person I had been waiting patiently to see. I was about to scowl and ask what was up when he popped around the corner and smiled.
     
    It's a great smile.
     
    I believe Viv covered the majority of this in her blog but only through Monday night.
     
    On Tuesday there was mini-golfing on the same course we play every-time it seems. Kids were present this time around so, yeah no six pack on the back nine... Wednesday I let mike drive out to visit Viv at work and have breakfast with her on her lunch break.
     
    It got crazy foggy on New years eve / morning to the point you couldn't see that far ahead. We only got a little lost on the way to drop him off where he was staying.
     
    Typical guy, in saying goodbye I forgot to tell him that I really enjoyed meeting him, and to say thanks for spending the time hanging out with me. Or that he hugs exceptionally well.
     
    He does. So if you ever find yourself presented with the opportunity to get a hug from a raccoon... take it they are the best
     
    I had a good time Mike, I hope you did as well.
     
    In other news...
     
    I quit smoking... I'm doing okay I think. I just go through idle moments and I get the craving. I'm using gum right now, but I think I'm gonna grab a bag of Jolly ranchers or something. No it wasn't going to be a new years resolution. I just didn't smoke at all when I was running around with Mike and Viv, and by the time I had a cigarette on Thursday they tasted like shit so I was all why am I doing this? So yeah I haven't had a cigarette since Thursday.
     
    Ive been hearing some crap, GA is a great place, but it doesnt insulate us from crazy. Stop the crazy okay? Stop bragging about partying, its stupid and makes you appear idiotic and pathetic. Stop going around and making a mountain out of a molehill, it only compounds the perception caused by your previous statements. Get your life in order on your terms. Don't make your happiness dependent on other people. I had fortune once, it said if you befriend yourself you'll never be lonely. Take a hint from the fortune cookie, find a friend with the person you see when you look in the mirror. Then worry about the other things. Big hint - misusing certain items is not making a friend with that person. Bragging about it is betraying that person.
     
    yeah... I think I'm done.
     
    Steve
  5. shadowgod

    Whats done is... Done

    By shadowgod,

    The semester is finally done.
     
    I am pretty confidant about my English Grade. I'm sure it's going to be an A. That final was really beyond easy. Only ten questions. Three of which were quotes from King Henry IV. You had to identify who said them. It very much helped that I used both of the quotes in a paper I did on the play. Another question was: "What was Ivan Ilyich doing?" I couldn't pass it up. I had to reply: "Ivan Ilyich was dying." I couldn't pass it up, I'm a natural smart ass what can I say?
     
    You see the name of the story was "The Death of Ivan Ilyich"
     
    History.. well I am kinda lukewarm about the whole history experience. It started when I turned my first paper in and only got 9 out of 15 points. That sorta set the tone for the rest of the semester. Meh... Anyhow, got a C overall... tanked my GPA in the process. Sick thing is... I chose History over algebra to stop myself from getting a C and tanking my GPA. Well, at least I don't have two of them now.
     
    Ma and I got into another row about Gay rights.
     
    The just of the conversation went like this:
     
    her - Its a choice and they just want marriage so others are forced to reaffirm their choice of lifestyle.
     
    me - you are crazy! who in their god loving mind would ever choose lifelong harassment and osterization. Thats like telling a slave in the 1800's that they chose that!
     
    Anyhow, she has the definition of the word choice screwed up I think. No one believes its a choice anymore, well save for those right wing nut jobs. Thank god they are running into the edge of mortality. Bleh!
     
     
    Happy Friday right?
     
    I can't escape the feeling that I owe someone an apology. I feel like I screwed something up somewhere, but I don't knw when or where it happened. What ever it was... just... just I'm sorry.
     
    Catch you all on the flip side
     
    Steve
  6. shadowgod
    I have to study for a history final... I'm not doing it though. If I did I'd probably pass out cold. Instead, I'm sitting at work, may as well be twiddling my thumbs for as productive as I am being right now. Currently four women are being busy counting every item in the store. The only reason I am here a whole twenty hours after I woke up yesterday morning is to provide access to the office computer and to make sure they don't screw up the counts too bad.
     
    This is bleh because I still have a full nine hours to go before I can quit this place, at least for this week.
     
    Speaking of my second home, if anyone is interested, the poor guy who got hit by a car and broke his hip... He is out of the hospital. The surgery to insert a pin was successful. He is at home resting, as he will be for the next two months. A fellow employee gave him a bed, because apparently he was sleeping on one of those teeny race car bed mattresses. You know the type, not really a twin, but not really a crib mattress either.
     
    I feel kind of bad about that. Here this guy is, works 40 hrs a week... always shows up. Willing to come in with little notice in an emergency, and he's sleeping on a damn toddlers mattress. He at least has a full now, and Im going to go pick him up another set of sheets.
     
    Switching gears...
     
    I can't believe there are only seven days till Christmas. Where does the time go when you are off doing other things? Worse yet, I only have like four or five gifts for people, perhaps six. I know of at least three more that I need to get, after that I'm lost.
     
    What makes a good gift? In all rational it should be something frivolous, something that the person for whom you are getting it would never buy for themselves right? ... I dunno if I buy into that. I like to get things people need, or will find use for. I guess I'm ... odd in that respect.
     
    Speaking of gifts, I'm being bombarded with the usual "What do you want?" I think I can safely say there is little, if anything, material I want. The material things I do want, are too expensive and I'd feel beyond guilty if anyone purchased them for me. However seeing as I'm going to ask you guys a question, I guess I best volunteer the info myself right?
     
    I would like a 15 inch MacBook Pro.
     
    I'd really like apple to fix the oversights/ flaws with their iPhone, and for AT&T to fix their online multimedia message retrieval system... That however is a whole separate blog I'm afraid.
     
    yeah... that's about it. simple I guess.
     
    What are you guys wishing for this Christmas? C'mon don't be shy
  7. shadowgod

    My December

    By shadowgod,

    So it's raining, there is even talk about the possibility of snow flurries by Wednesday. It's rather sublime to live in Southern California and see the possibility of snow in the forecast. It's not the first time it has happened. It snowed some 6 years ago now, back when I was living with my Aunt on the north side of the city. It was interesting, amazing really. there wasn't much of it, an inch or less. But, enough that you could scrap together a decent snowball of the grass and toss it at the kids running around.
     
    Yeah, it would be neat if it happened again. I'm just not going to hold my breath. I know, many you folks in more "northern" climates may be blinking like mad and asking what the fascination with snow is. Its the novelty of it, something out of the norm.
     
    My graveyard shift employee got hit by a car Thursday night, while walking home. The driver failed to notice he hit another human being, that or he just didn't care enough to stop. The person behind him stopped however. Anyhow, My employee ended up with a broken hip out of the deal. No work for 6-8 weeks. That kind of sucks, especially at this time of year. but as someone pointed out it sucks anytime of year.
     
    I'm sure, however, happening now its just like adding insult to the injury. You can't turn on the TV or the radio without hearing some exaltation of the season. I just don't feel it. Are we really supposed to buy into the notion that there is a "magic" swirling through the bitterly cold air for a month.
     
    Maybe at one point I did believe that when I was younger. Now the air only brings disappointment with the season. No magic, no snow flakes, only a cold bite that blows what little warmth you can muster out of you.
     
    That doesn't however account for surprise's that do happen. I got a phone call this morning from my boss. Directing me to pay the employee who got hit two weeks worth of pay while he is out.
     
    It's a nice gesture. As novel as snow in many cases.
  8. shadowgod

    Life in the IE

    By shadowgod,

    and now for something completely different...
     
    Sadly a lot of these are true, a few I can't attest to, and others that are just way-y off base (for me anyhow).
     
     
    A little local humor:
     
    You know you're from the Inland Empire IF...
     
     
    1. Every one of your friends, including yourself, has a drinking problem.
     
    2. You're pissed that you live in the 909 but your cell is 951.
     
    3. Everyone is in a band.
     
    4. Statutory rape laws dont exist here.
     
    5. You hook up with someone on Friday night and Saturday morning you have 10 missed calls from people that already heard about it.
     
    6. You've known more than half your friends since junior high, or elementary school
     
    7. You use terms like "Mo Val", "San Berdoo", "Fontucky", "Deadlands", "Blowmont", "Ghettoside", "Tefukula", and "Victimville" to refer to places
     
    8. When you go to parties you bring your own beer and guard it with your life
     
    9. A party isn't a party until the cops come and someone gets knocked out
     
    10. Every Jetta you see has a roxy sticker on the back
     
    11. The whos gonna drive to get more booze conversation is decided by who has the fewest number of D.U.I.'s
     
    12.You try to act as white trash as possible but your parents live in million dollar houses and drive hummers
     
    13. You know at least 10 people with a tattoo of their last name, a star, or a flower
     
    14. At least half the guys you see are wearing black Active socks
     
    15. When all of your girlfriends go off to college, and all your guy friends stay home and work construction
     
    16. You walk into a party and you've hooked up with at least half the people there
     
    17. Even the people you haven't seen since high school still manage to find out what and who you are doing
     
    18. You walk into Von's or Rite Aid and see at least 5 people you know
     
    19. You have an Uncle Jager.
     
    20. You participate in the cycle of: A ) Seeing old people at parties and then B ) Being the old people at parties.
     
    21. "Your mom" is the most common phrase in your vocabulary.
     
    22. You walk to your truck at Victoria gardens and mistaking put your key in one of the 50 black lifted silverados with Famous stickers on them...
     
    23. You still miss Metro and Gotham.
     
    24. You go to victoria gardens on friday night, saturday night and sunday night because there isnt much else to do...
     
    25. You know what a Bro is, and what a Bro Hoe is.
     
    26. Being called a Bro Hoe isnt a good thing yet all of them are excited to be called one.
     
    27. when monday night bowling is the highlight of your week.
     
    28. you go to the Branding Iron on Wednesday nights.
     
    29. You know what people do at "the Top of Haven "
     
    30. your whole life is DRAMA.
     
    31. You cant start a day without Starbucks.
     
    32. You run into your ex's ALL the time.
     
    33. When you think Fontana is ghetto. (fontucky)
     
    34. when you have been to a Quakes game on friday night.
     
    35. you were disappointed to learn that Hemet is no longer the Meth capital of the world
     
    36. u know what emo is... but you're too "hardcore"
     
    37. You have gone offroading off the 71
     
    39. You have been to a Rufio concert.
     
    40. you know someone who works at Active, Hollister or Abercrombie.
     
    41. u know someone who went through the "bleaching" the hair phase, with spikes
     
    42. u WERE someone who went through the "bleaching" the hair phase, with spikes
     
    43. You have crossed a raging flood . . . in an intersection
     
    44. Kids love their cars more than they love their parents
     
    45. You know that snoop dogg lives 10 min away and where his house is.
     
    46. You know that snoop dogg's mom lives 10 min away and where her house is.
     
    47. You know at least 10 people that had to be evacuated from their homes because of the wildfires.
     
    48. You WERE at one point evacuated from your house because of wildfires.
     
    49.You take the 10 or 60 to get somewhere that is 5 min away, but it takes 45 minutes to get there
     
    50. all ur old friends have kids.. and u know their baby daddy.
     
    51. At least 5 of your friends has their lip pierced.
     
    52. lifted trucks have west coast choppers, Tapout, or Famous stickers
     
    53. u eat dennys or albertos after a hard night of partyin'!!!!
     
    54. u know someone with a 50cc pit bike
     
    55. you know someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows travis barker
     
    56. Every radio station fades into spanish at least once during your commute
     
    57. If you go to the University of Redlands, you can't help but laugh whenever all the rich kids stand mouth-agape when you tell them that Redlands was the fun place to go on the weekend when you were in high school.
     
    58. You flipped your shit when they mentioned Riverside on the OC.
     
     
    Hope you enjoyed!
     
    Steve
  9. shadowgod

    A New Years Resolution

    By shadowgod,

    So, my mother has decided on a New Years Resolution. Lets overlook the fact that she's a tad early, cause hey preparedness is key right? Anyhow, her resolution is to get me to talk more...
     
    I dunno how to feel about this. Mostly whenever we seem to talk anymore things become, well heated would be a nice way of phrasing it I guess. We have differing opinions on things... Religion, Politics, etcetera etcetera etcetera...
     
    I guess I came to the conclusion a few years ago "Why say anything when it will only cause strife." and I have sort of stuck to it. I don't even care to speak on the phone for extended periods of time. But that is a whole different thing that concerns being worried I'm bugging people when I call them.
     
    End game being I perhaps don't speak so much, could be because outside of sharing genetics there is scarcely little I have in common with my family anymore.
     
    This realization is kinda screwed I guess, but its part of growing right?
     
    Anyhow... I think I may be scared as to her planned methods.
     
     
    Preparing to be de-silenced
     
    Steve
  10. shadowgod

    First gear

    By shadowgod,

    Where has the year gone? I find myself asking that more and more often these days. Why, as we age, does the perception of time speed up. Where does the excess go? Is it all too much fodder for the langoliers in the end?
     
    Meh...
     
    I again feel stuck. I wanted to be free of my job, but the last year has seen the economy live up to the expectations of so many doomsday predictions. It has tanked, and unemployment has soared. Yet oddly enough "Black Friday" seems to, by most accounts, have been a success.
     
    Anyhow I'm in a nice catch 22. I'm in the market for a car. Times are good to buy a car, they say. If you have great credit, the car market is your oyster. Slashed prices, minuscule percentage rates... I have fair credit... so I don't qualify for those great percentage rates. Hell GM won't even finance me because of my credit rating... but whatever that doesn't worry me.
     
    What really worries me is the fact of do I want a car or not. I do because, I've never owned my own car before, or anything as big as a car so it would be great just looking at it and knowing its mine. I could go into the reason behind why I have never owned a car before, but I'm not really proud of that... and its a long story anyhow, so I'll spare my pride and you your time.
     
    I'm a nice guy like that.
     
    Now the reasons why i don't want to get a car. Pretty straight forward this one. I don't plan on being at my job much longer. As many of you who have followed this blog know; I'm not really happy with my job anymore. It's not a glamorous job. In fact I don't like admitting to it. In fact I'm rather ashamed of it when people ask me about it. Anyhow point is do I want to saddle myself with a large purchase when I'm looking to leave my job?
     
    Bleh I guess the tanking economy has made this whole thing moot. Why give up a job when there is no guarantee of one to take its place...
     
    In a way the whole situation pisses me off.
     
    Just chalk it up to more bad choices I guess.
     
    I wanted to be more than I am. The time for that however, has come and gone in the blinking of an eye. So here I sit stuck in first gear, trying to find second as everything passes me by.
     
    meh...
     
    Steve
  11. shadowgod

    Good People

    By shadowgod,

    They do exist.
     
    They bloom in soil you have long thought infertile.
     
    It's no secret that I can not count a majority of the members of my family in that column, for now, but I was surprised to learn of a change of heart on the part of one family member whom I value.
     
    He has long been homophobic, even paranoid of a sort. It seems however, slow integration, and realization, has tempered his fear and misunderstanding. I can not attest to the process being complete, but he is thankful for my cousin, and thankful for the girl she finally found and settled down with.
     
    I wonder if one day he will be as accommodating for me. If he will be thankful for the person I choose to live the rest of my life with. I guess only time holds the ultimate answer to that absent musing, and in her way will reveal the answer when she deems appropriate. I just hope, when that time is upon me, that more than he stand for my happiness.
     
    In other news... I visited with Steve#2 (wildone) on Sunday. We had dinner with Viv and totally failed at mini-golf, again. It doesn't seem possible, it shouldn't be right. So in lue of put-put'ing, and Viv subsequently having to flee one of my errant puts, we plotted against the evil consortium CBOATS. It was good time, and in true "family" fashion we dined by the large cock. No I'm not explaining it, I'll let your dirty lil' mind wander where it will...
     
    6 weeks and counting ...
     
    until then you know where I am
     
    Steve
  12. shadowgod
    Beh.... So I did worse then I had anticipated. Somewhere around the D mark on Friday.
     
    To be honest I am at that point where I just want to give the whole school thing my middle finger and be done with it. Meh... I'm frustrated that it is taking so long... I'm frustrated that its gonna take even longer. I'm suffering from a whole Veruca Salt moment. That whole "I want it now!" thing. Hopefully this character lapse doesn't make me a bad nut... its just. Yeah.
     
    I dropped the Math class cause I was afraid sticking in it was going to drag down my GPA. Now I'm stuck in this history class that I know is going to drag down my GPA, and its shit. I dunno why I'm not doing better, I listen to the lecture. I read the book. Yet somehow this Nazi manages to ask questions on the most obscure detail he can imagine. It's like he has designed his stupid class for everyone to fail and its just... frustrating.
     
    On the brighter side... it is done with and gone in about six weeks.
     
    Christmas is in seven weeks
     
    In eight weeks I'm taking a few extra days off of work... In eight weeks things are gonna be better
     
    So I shall solider on, get through this crappy semester, and look forward to the next being better. I set goals a year ago... I was worried about not acheiving them, or having to change them. Now... Now I'm okay with those goals changing for the right reason.
     
    Steve
     
    OH yeah I have ctrl back... only took 24 hours to boot. HP service rocks!
  13. shadowgod
    Thats all it takes... or maybe seven the details become sketchy when dealing with Patron and Jose Cuervo...
     
    I skipped out on class last night. I had to gather the laptop delete some FTP accounts so no unauthorized access happened. Plus I just deleted all the files and pictures I had on the drive. Better that way, who needs nosy techs snooping through a persons stuff? So yeah as I was about to box it up, having whispered sweet nothings, windows decided it was high time to install vista service pack 1. So I let it do its thing, while my desktop was busy transferring a large file.
     
    I got caught up in watching some show on the history channel, and eventually fell asleep. Sometime, as I was mucking around with computers my little sister thought it was high time to go over to my cousins house to watch movies. They didn't movies... instead in their combined wisdom, they found the lure of Tequila more alluring.
     
    My ass started to vibrate at 7:00pm. It was my cousin. I ignored the call, because honestly I'm tired of dealing with her computer illiteracy. That did not deter her however. She called the house. They were both drunk, I needed to walk over there to walk my sister back home safely.
     
    Last night she got all introspective... the two of them apparently talked about some heavy shit. Skeletons best left buried deep in the family closet. Nothing good ever comes from expeditions there. Last night they talked about an uncle, and the things he did, and the people he did them to. Bloated with this courage she asked if he ever... me. She hinted if that's possibly why I am the way I am.
     
    No he didn't... I am just me. A person doesn't have to be broken to be attracted to the same sex. She doesn't need to look for a reason... I just am. The whole stilted walk home was this overbearing drunken conversation that made allusions and innuendos and pissed me the hell off. I don't need to look at my past to know the way to my future... I just need a row boat. I don't need to think back on cousins that are dead and gone... I just need to look forward to the people I will meet.
     
    I don't need to dig into the darkness that infects my families past. I don't want to know about it. I don't want to discuss it. I just want to look forward to tomorrow.
     
    Tomorrow is brighter than any dark closet can ever be.
  14. shadowgod

    All Hallows Eve

    By shadowgod,

    So Halloween was interesting this year... There was class, which was moved into a lecture hall instead of the normal classroom it is held in. It was moved on account of potential noise due to a "Haunted Valley" Thing the student council was throwing on campus last night. It looked interesting from what I saw of it. Kind of an alternative for families as a safe alternative to trick-r-treating. More on the safe part in a moment....
     
    There where a number of booths setup for the kids in full regalia to go around trick-r-treating. A haunted house, and a BBQ from what I saw during the ten minute break from class. Class was, well about as great as a class from 6-9:23 on a Friday night. No one in my study group save for me showed up... which was annoying. Even more annoying was the fact that two of the girls sent me text messages asking for copies of the notes last night.
     
    Yay I get to transcribe and email! Fun... on the other hand I should Ace this damn test Take that you bitter Edu-nazi!!
     
    Anyhow, by the time class let out the Haunted Valley thing was done and gone, relegated to a series of black garbage bags and a few scattered stacks of collapsible tables that a pair of cats where busily rearranging.
     
    From class it was off to the Movies and an 11:30 showing of Zack and Miri make a porno. I know Kevin Smith has a die hard following... I know a few members here that are counted gladly in that number. In fact he is the only guy my sister said she will screw on personality alone...
     
    That said the movie was good... Funny... however not something I'd go and see again. I dunno, I just don't get sick humor and one scene certainly fell into that category. Yeah just, well check it out.
     
    What's more interesting was the 7 cop cars that zoomed down the street in front of the reserve base as we were leaving to the show. Apparently they, plus about 13 others, were all heading to my neighborhood. More interestingly a block away from my house. There was a scuffle, two people got shot... one didn't live.
     
    I wonder if there will ever come a time when people don't take stupid shit and escalate it to a point where life is lost. It just seems so ... stupid. Sure, we could take away guns and stem the violence that way, but not having a gun isn't going to stop people being blinded by some stupid boiling rage. Its just dumb
     
    The police had the neighborhood sealed when I got home at 2am. Had to park around the corner. A cop escorted My sister and I to our front door.
     
    lets hope Thanksgiving is better... We all have at least one thing to look forward to. Life is grand sometimes, and sometimes its bland. We just need to remember in those bad times that we have something the 19 year old down the street no longer has.
     
     
    Steve
  15. shadowgod

    5 questions...

    By shadowgod,

    I've been exposed to poetry lately. Not that I am uncultured, or anything. I just don't regularly partake of the stuff. Anyhow a few have caught my eye, and you guys should look into them if you get the chance.
     

    To an Athlete Dying Young - A.E. Housman (I'm probably going to buy a book of his poetry, I enjoyed this poem so much)
    Piazza Piece - John Crowe Ransom
    Not Waving but Drowning - Stevie Smith

     
    The last poem was discussed recently. Hearing it read, seeing it through the eyes of the person the analyzed the poem, was probably more powerful then the poem itself. After all Not Waving but Drowning is only three short stanza's long. The impact of those three stanza's however...
     
    I don't react to emotion, rather I am not ruled by emotion. I don't get caught up in emotion. I have this distance that shields me from the moment. that is not to say I don't feel emotion, just there is some odd delay. A self timer that knows when to be stoic, and when to let go of everything and anything.
     
    That said, sitting in class and listening to a man try valiantly to control the emotion his voice betrays... To hear pain and sadness bubble up to the surface as it did. I felt for him.
     
    It's good to be assured I'm not as cold as I sometimes feel.
     
    But this begs the question: is being reserved a flaw? Can you approach something with a measure of caution, but still look forward to it more than you look forward to your next breath?
     
    Is suppressing the urge to jump into something headfirst in favor of being careful and protective smart? Or is it just surrendering to fear?
     
    And while I am asking esoteric questions... Why does the world have to be so damn big?
     
    Steve
  16. shadowgod

    Losing Ctrl

    By shadowgod,

    Sunday afternoon as I was getting Tiff squard away in her new Hosted Status, and generally annoying anyone I could get ahold of on MSN the left hand ctrl button on my laptop popped off. I was annoyed to say the least. Missing buttons look ugly and ghetto. To say the least... Really I was more concerned with the asthetic more than I was any function.
     
    Then I got to realizing how much I use that damn key for cut and paste...
     
    Anyhow I did some quick research... this is how you replace said button, this is how you replace keyboard. So, at worst it was going to be a few screws and a ribbon cable. No big deal right? Wrong first of all acctually finding a way to order the part from HP is nightmareish, Not to mention they want you to input your computer model number on every other page. After an hour of looking, and discovering that it wouldn't let me order the damn part, and another few hours futzing with the key to try and make it go back on... I settled on having to make a warrenty claim.
     
    I finnaly sent HP an email yesterday. They responded. The keyboard is one unit, as such they do not service a single key, instead they swap out the whole keyboard. Now seeing as the keyboard is an internal componate, the swap has to be performed by trianed service personel.
     
    They are sending me a service tag. I have to ship them my laptop for repair. This distresses me. Especialy as they said I need to back up all files on the laptop, as pert of the service requires them performing a restore.
     
    I don't want them to resotre it. I just want them to swap the keyboard and send it back. What does restoring the hard drive have to do with a missing Ctrl button? Is the key going to magically reappear if they do a restore?? No.
     
    So yeah I am less than thrilled I'm going to be relegated to the Celeron laptop for 5-10 days... Its slow. I booted it up last night for the first time in a year or so. I'm going to have to do a resotre on that machine just for it to be operable. Which is, yeah not fun.
     
    Speaking of, I have to do the same thing to the desktop. It could use a little freshening as well.
     
    Anyhow, the end run out of all of this is I am going to be without a great computer for a while. I'm going to be without word for a while, much less the ability to code or upload chapters.
     
    In other news... I need to clean more then the hard drives on my systems.
     
    Shakespere is... dialogue pretty much.
     
    History is still history to which I get to take notes for a group-mate who won't be there this friday (yes class on Holloween) and email them to her. I dunno how I am going to pull that off just yet, given my Ctrl problem.
     
    December is going to be great!
     
    Steve
  17. shadowgod

    There all along

    By shadowgod,

    So a week ago last Friday I was looking high and low for my packet of scan-tron sheets. For those of you not in the know a scan-tron sheet is an answer sheet for tests and such. Anyhow I had a test in my beloved history class that Friday and the bookstore being conscious of the needs of its students decided to close at 1:00 pm. I didn't get off work until 3:00pm. Anyhow I spent two hours looking high and low for these answer sheets so I could take the test. I looked for them everywhere, but couldn't find them. I did find an empty packet, and figured I had used them all.
     
    Dejected I headed off to Class anyhow, hoping the cafeteria was still open, as they sell the scan-trons there as well. Of course, when I got there they were nice and closed. Good thing my group members had one a spare one that I borrowed, damn I have to give give one back and I don't remember which one came to my rescue.
     
    This past Friday there the sheets where, sitting there on the dining room table out in the open...
     
    I looked there, four times as I shuffled through the pile of text books.
     
    Point is, sometimes we are just searching too hard for something and in our frantic search, we fail to see that is was there all along.
     
    Oh, and if your curious... I got a C on the test.
     
    I HATE that class...
     
    Steve
  18. shadowgod

    I want it back

    By shadowgod,

    I've turned into what I always feared.
     
    Friday night, during a much needed break from History class. ( 3 hours of hell every Friday night) I ventured outside. I normally don't leave the class during break. Simple as There is no where to go, so why even bother, right? Anyhow, this past Friday we had a test, I didn't want to hang around in class whilst the test was still going so I went out into the cold night air. I somehow got mixed up in a group conversation of how much this particular History class ( the professor especially) sucked ass.
     
    First, its on a Friday night so that is a big negative off the bat. Now for a list of the remaining negatives:

    10 minutes late to class or leaving 10 minutes early you will be marked as absent.
    When taking a test you A. have to sign in B. have to show that your answer sheet is blank on both sides C. When turning in said test it must be placed directly into the professors hand, not set on the table.
    The professor can and will mark you down a point if you do not follow his paper formatting to the T. Regardless of the fact his formatting deviates from everyone else's formatting.
    He looks for obscure answers that are only covered briefly (I.E. one sentence out of 15 paragraphs)
    The professor is ALWAYS right, any attempt to argue a point, is met with hostility and point reduction.

     
    So yeah, not the most enjoyable way to spend a Friday night. Anyhow, a group of us where bemoaning these particular fact when the subject of age came up. It went something like this...
     
    20
    20
    21
    21
    21
    30
     
    Old enough to be your mother....(This was the age she gave, honestly)
     
    My saying 30 was met with the usual shock it usually gets. I don't look thirty (what does thirty look like??) I don't feel thirty. I don't identify as thirty... On one hand it's cool to know I'm aging well. On the other hand it sucks to age into a bracket I don't fit into.
     
    Then again this is nothing new. I've always felt younger then I was. Yet, in the end its a moot point isn't it? one is what one is... you can fight cornucopia of things in life; the day you were conceived isn't one of them. It's just odd to be staring head long at the second half of life, when the first was by and large uneventful.
     
    I can honestly say my 20's have been a lost decade. One I feared beyond measure when I was 19 and moving onto 20. But now they seemed to have flown by. Like so many things, it was time wasted. Time wasted working at a job that could never, would never lead anywhere. A decade spent at a comfortable distance from relationships. I couldn't face the fear then, and now I pay the price. Stuck as some middle of the road troll bridging the gap between older generations and newer ones.
     
    I cry that the only guys that are attracted to me are 42 and up, when it seems all I am attracted to are 21 and 22 year olds. I realize the hypocracy in the situation. Yet I can't help the attraction. I guess I am destined to be that old troll, 62 years old and trying to strike up a conversation with the thirty year old who looks to be in his younger 20's.
     
    The fates do have a twisted sense of humor ...
     
    I guess if I ever had one wish, it would be having my physical age and my mental age in line. Whether that means loosing a decade in years, or gaining a decade in life experienced, in life lived; I don't care which, but neither is by any means feasible.
     
    I guess thats enough of my irrationality for one day... but before you go I'm going to leave you with a line that has been stuck in my head:
     
    The night was crisp, like biting into a cool apple.
     
    catch y'all on the flip-side,
     
    Steve
  19. shadowgod
    Time is dithering into the abyss, silly season is drawing to a close. Right on track with the death of this most wonderful quad-annual event, both Candidates have eschewed what really matters in an effort to smear their opponent. One ignores the issues and attacks, the other ignores the issues and counter attacks.
     
    The sad irony is that they promised us change, they promised us reform, but at the end of the day its business as usual on the road to Washington.
     
    America is still willing to put some perceived religious belief above human life. They are even willing to ratify an amendment that goes against the core concepts on which this country was founded. The scariest thing about this is they actually believe they are in the right. They believe that some divine power sees fit to deny a fellow human being a basic right.
     
    Should this right be horded by one group and not the other? Is there only so much of this right to go around? Preposterous questions, both of them. This right isn't tangible, as Americans we say "you aren't allowed this right. We say this to our brothers, to our sisters. We say it to our athletes, to our celebrities. We say it to our police officer, to our fire-fighter. We say it to the man with our flag on his shoulder. We ask him to go and protect the freedoms we cherish; in fact we cherish them so much we chose to exclude him from their full grace.
     
    It begs the question, How do Americans look at themselves in the mirror? Do they notice the hypocrisies in their smile? Do they not realize these things as they praise marriage, as they thank their wonderful wife?
     
    As always, humanity is posed with too many questions, and not nearly enough answers.
  20. shadowgod

    Second star to the right

    By shadowgod,

    What if Peter Pan woke up one morning and realized he was a man?
     
    I am a man, yet I don't feel like a man. Which leads me to another question. Is there ever a moment when we are supposed to feel like a man?
     
    Will I ever? Will I ever look in the mirror and know that I am a man? At this moment I don't think so. I've not once had that feeling in the last 10 years. I don't see it happening in the next ten, or the ten after that. I'd like to be a man though, free to decide my own future. Free to decide who I want to love. But mostly, just free.
  21. shadowgod

    It dont matter...

    By shadowgod,

    It don't matter to the sun
    If you go, or if you stay.
    You know the sun is gonna rise, gonna rise,
    shine down on another day.
     
    There'll still be a tomorrow,
    even if you choose to leave.
    Cause it don't matter to the sun, oh babe,
    but it matters to me.
     
    It ain't gonna stop the world
    If you walk out that door
    This ol world will just keep turnin round turnin round
    like it did the day before.
     
    You see, to them it makes no difference,
    they'll just keep on keep'n time.
    Cause it ain't gonna stop the world, oh babe,
    but it will be the end of mine.
     
    What can I say?
    What can I do?
    I'm still in love, so why aren't you?
     
    What can I say?
    What can I do?
    I'm still in love, so why aren't you?
     
    It don't matter to the moon,
    If you're not in my life.
    No the moon will just keep hang'n round hang'n round
    Like its just another night
     
    He'll find another place to shine down
    on some other lovers dreams
    cause it don't matter to the moon, oh babe,
    but it matters to me
     
    No it don't matter to the moon, oh babe,
    but it matters to me...
     
    "It Don't Matter to the Sun" by Garth Brooks ( as Chris Gains)
     
    Don't know why I posted this, well maybe I do and I just don't want to share that much. I posted a song by Garth Brooks way back when, it may be related to that, and the poem that inaugurated this blog. Anyhow, its good song for so many more reasons that I can clearly convey right now.
  22. shadowgod

    Seriously?

    By shadowgod,

    I don't get why some people feel they have to add commentary on every little thing that happens. No matter how many times they are told basically if it doesn't involve them in any way to stay the hell out of it.
     
    perhaps I am the odd one, I have always maintained the idea that if anything I was thinking of saying didn't add anything of merit to what was happening it was best to keep my mouth shut, less i look like a dumb ass. I still really don't get it. My boss hired a new employee. They were told what their job was, what area they were to be working in. trained on how to be effective in their job. Now though, they want to talk about everyone else's Job and poke around in a department that they have no business poking around in.
     
    There have been several gentle reminders to the new employee, but they just don't seem to get it. So they continue to talk about figures that they have no involvement in.
     
    Sure I may be an ass, in saying that the whole thing is beyond annoying. Yet it still is. Maybe they are just being over-eager because they are looking for a promotion....
     
    On the flip side I could understand if they were offering a dissenting opinion, or exposing an angle of thought that hadn't been previously been thought of. But mostly this employees words are just regurgitate of what has been said numerous times and only acts to confuse the matter then to make anything clearer.
     
    I just want to tell this employee to mind their own damn business and be done with them. I can't however, we're short staffed at work as it is.
     
    Beh....
  23. shadowgod

    frustrated...

    By shadowgod,

    That about sums everything up in a nutshell. I've been hella frustrated as of late, my writing is at a stand still. I spend weekends mired in Family crap, and the week over burdened at work, because three people assumed the middle of August was high time to quit with out giving any notice. I want to scream but realize that is counter productive. to top everything off my F'n libido has chosen now to kick into high drive.
     
    The most difficult thing is I have been so set in my ways for the last decade that I have no idea where to go to meet people. It just seems like every avenue I try has a "not a through street" sign I somehow disregarded at its entrance.
     
    The club was interesting, I got groped--probably as that "It's 1:45am and I have no one to go home with!" realization hit the owner of the hands that assaulted my chest. Outside was little better with the guy that was rocked off his ass looking for his 'friend' with whom he 'traded' his car keys and cell phone for a cigarette. Also I was blissfully unaware that a green lighter meant you are 420 friendly... Ah the enlightenment one achieves outside of a gay club at 2 in the morning.
     
    I blog'd 30 past prime awhile back. I was apparently wrong because no one is willing to pass a second glance if you are over 25. I don't look thirty, I am well aware of that, but somehow I have become second hand. And was I was too busy being scared / busy to take advantage when I was "prime" and that has me pissed off. Pissed at myself for sacrificing what should have been the best years of my life for something that wasn't worth it, not by any means of interpreting them.
     
    I try to change, but it all seems to little to late, so what is the point?
  24. shadowgod
    Not me, nope rest assured when it is my turn to move; anyone and everyone will have scattered to the four winds. Nope looks like i will be spending another weekend in the glorious company of my cousin.
     
    I like the guy I really do. Its just I have enough shit to do already.
     
    bleh this is pointless. I really need to do something more constructive with this blog rather then bitch all the time.
     
    Steve
  25. shadowgod
    Beh, I have a boatload - it seems- of stuff to do and no motivation to get them done. To compound matters, if I do have the motivation to get them done other things simply get in the way.
     
    On the lacking motivation side -
     
    I want to get a general redesign of my site here at GA done, coupled with a redesign of my personal website. I'd even like to get my writing up on my personal site, replace some of the older out-date. The GA redesign is mostly going to be behind the scenes stuff, as I am rather pleased with the site design. I'd also like to implement some php, but I really don't want to mess with the in chapter navigation. Somehow a chapter listing at the bottom of a chapter doesn't appeal to my sense of design, I much prefer the arrows that link back to the previous chapter and forward to the next.
     
    Any thoughts?
     
    Beyond my site I have some general maintenance stuff I have had on the schedule for the the last few weeks. I need to move forward with that before the respective Authors go all lynch mob on me. :wacko:
     
    Emails: I have about six or seven emails to respond to. I'm a bad author in that respect, but most of my interaction with you guys happens hear on the board, and even though I have been writing for a number of years I think I have only received less than 50 emails. That number downgrades vastly if you take out the number that turned into pleasant email exchanges. So yes I have emails that have been sitting in my inbox for well over six weeks. I know they are there and I'm planning on responding, so don't give up hope yet. I'm really not that much of an ungrateful dick.
     
    DnCW Chapter 7: Where to begin? Its moving along, nicely now that I have beaten various characters into their respective roles. For a while there they were running around doing whatever they wanted. No bueno! Here's a big hint to all you budding authors out there; don't start a story unless you know how its going to end. I mean KNOW, I started and I had three possible outcomes. I've narrowed it down to two, and depending on my mood one looks better then the other, but neither is a stand out favorite at the moment. Perhaps this is why the characters are running around doing what the hell they want eh?
     
    I've had a birthday card in my possession for the last 7 days. Every time I think I find a moment to finish addressing it something wonderful and marvelous happens, and I never get it addressed, let alone in the mail box. Is it bad to send a birthday card a few days too late?
     
    beh I should go do that now, hopefully if I mail it today they'll have it by Friday.
     
    Steve
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