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My Nightmares

JamesSavik

Entry posted by JamesSavik

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It's 4:30am again and I haven't slept. I've got to be up in 3 hours and I'm screwed.

 

There's danger in writing about old times. Sometimes you wake up old demons that you wished you had left alone.

 

I'm going to warn you that if you go past the spoiler you're going to read something shitty. It's one of my nightmares that comes back from time to time to torment me. I try to keep it in a little box and never take it out but sometimes it escapes and it haunts me to this very day.

 

 

 

 

I was in college. I was twenty or something and I was a mess as usual. I smoked dope. I partied. I slept around. i was a selfish asshole and I didn't like myself very much and had made a mess of any relationships I had happened to stumble into.

 

It had been storming but that had passed and everything was just humid and wet.

 

It was late one night and I was actually sober for a change. I went for a booty call and i was headed back to my place when I noticed a small truck off the road and upside down.

 

I stopped and got out and heard a sound right out of hell. I can't describe it but when I've been shitty and really need to punish myself it boils up out of my subconscious. It was a wail of desolation and despair and it laid me low.

 

I ran to the truck and it was worse than it had appeared. The drivers side had hit a tree and there was a kid pinned in it making a sound like a banshees wail. I went in through the passenger side to get to him and Jesus it was horrible. There was this beautiful kid just fucking butchered in this truck. He was wailing. He was crying to God, to his Mom, I wasn't even sure he knew I was there. He knew that he was dying and I did too.

 

He was begging I don't want to die. I don't want to die. That seriously messed me up.

 

I told him that I was going to go get help and he begged me to stay. He begged me and said please don't let me die alone.

 

So I stayed with him and held him as best I could. I prayed with him. His breathing came in short gasps and then it didn't come at all anymore.

 

When the cops showed up I was crying and had his blood all over me. They saw what happened. They put ME in an ambulance. They had to sedate me.

 

As soon as I got out of the hospital I got so drunk I couldn't see. I wasn't wired together all that tight to start with.

 

Jesus, I'm crying now and its been all those years ago. I really want to be fucked up NOW. I really, really want to drink this shit out of my mind but I tried that for years and it just doesn't work.

 

The fucked up thing. The most messed up part is I didn't know that kid at all and I would have traded places with him.

 

Instead just every so often that memory comes out to torment me.

 

The sound of that child's dying anguish it kept me drunk and stoned for years. As much as I would like to forget it, it's going to stay with me until the day I die.

 

 

 

I don't know what to do with this. It's something that comes up and messes with me from time to time.

 

If there's a hell- for me that was it.

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Irritable1

You did a really good thing that day, as much as it has cost you. 

 

James, have you ever seen a therapist for any of this stuff? There are a lot of things I couldn't really ever put away (eg witnessing a police beating) till I started working with the one I see now.

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joann414

What a terrible thing to witness and endure, let alone live with for the rest of your life.  Maybe pmdacey is right.  Sharing might make a difference.  Hugs and prayers.

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Zombie

A horrific incident. But as Irri said you did a good thing that day and gave comfort to another human being in extreme distress. So you too should take comfort from that.

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Kitt

I know it sounds weird - but you should be proud of what you did. I have been the first on scene at many accidents, and several of the victims didn't make it home again, so I know what you were faced with that night. You did the best you could at the time and the boy did not die alone. Because of you, he had support and love at the end. No one can ask for more.

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JamesSavik

The crisis passed. I wrote my blog entry. I didn't find a bottle or a handful of pills. Life on lifes terms: That's the rules. We only fuck ourselves if we break it.

 

Exhausted I went to sleep and it was over.

 

I gave you a glimpse at some of the snakes in my head and I'm sorry. Nobody should have that in their head.

 

I should delete this abomination and not inflict it on anyone else but it has always been here and so have I.

 

Yeah- I know. I'm post-traumatic. I saw someone for it for three year and I got a lot better than I used to be but just when you think they're gone they pop up again and give you a stab.

 

Here- this helps:

[media]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gggaP8zF5DA[/media

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Slytherin

:,( I can understand that you stil have nightmares. Awful thing to witness. But you were there with him so he wasn't alone  :hug: :hug:

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