Enigma II. Fighting the Man - 10. Chapter 10 - Going Home

As soon as the door closes, Silver all but collapses. It has all been too much for him. He didn’t understand a thing about what happened and it scared him. I think it scared him even more than he revealed at the time. How the hell is he going to get over his fear of people, when people treat him like this?

The comments made by Aunt Sophy were the start of it and he has tried so hard... so hard.

One good thing is that Ben, sweet adorable Ben, instantly forgets his own distress, climbs up onto the sofa on the other side of Silver and throws his arms around him so that we are holding him between us.

He doesn’t cry. That worries me. His eyes are completely dry but he can't control the shaking and he clings to me as if his life depends on it. Maybe it does. He seems totally unaware of Ben.

Very, very gradually he relaxes and the shaking eases. It is only then that he starts to cry and both Ben and I hold him tightly until the storm passes. When it is done he is dull eyed and exhausted and doesn’t want to speak or eat. I insist he shares our takeaway but he falls asleep while I am ordering it and I can’t wake him enough to make him eat.

With difficulty I get him awake enough to stumble up the stairs and with even more difficulty put him to bed in my parents’ bed. We can’t sleep in Ben’s room tonight. I stand and look down at him. His hair is starting to grow again and it is fanned out over the pillow. His eyes are closed and his face relaxed. I want to crawl in next to him and feel his arms around me.

Now that it’s all over I realise how close I came to having Ben taken away from me. My legs start to shake and I sit down on the bottom of the bed and put my head in my hands. This is too much. This is way too much. My parents are gone, my brother was almost taken away from me and the person I love most in all the world, was hurt so badly he’s practically catatonic. I so want him to hold me and tell me that everything is alright.

But I have someone waiting for me downstairs who needs me every bit as much as Silver does, if not more. I have to take care of him now. There will be time enough to take care of me later.

Ben is anxious but not overly so. He is watching television and eating pizza and manages to smile at me when I come in.

“Is Silver okay?”

“He will be.”

“Why is he like that? Is he like that all the time?”

“He went through a terrible experience Ben. He had terrible things happen to him and it hurt him really badly. Think about how you felt when you found out about Mum and Dad.” His eyes go wide and fill with tears. “Now imagine that feeling twice as bad and going on and on and on for seven years.

“And then he got hurt so badly he almost died. He... kind of ran away from it all, only instead of running out into the world somewhere, he ran deep inside his head. And he stayed there. He’s come out again, a long long way but he’s not used to the world and he gets very frightened. Then sometimes he hides again and it takes time for him to find his way back out.”

“I’ll help him River. I promise I’ll take care of him just like you do.” I hug him. What else can I do? Sometimes he’s so like me it’s scary.

None of us get much sleep. Ben doesn’t want to sleep on his own and I reluctantly let him sleep with us. He is restless and unsettled. Then Silver has a nightmare. It’s one of the worst ever. Certainly worse than the ones he’s been having lately. Soothing him doesn’t work. He wakes Ben up and he starts to cry. I have to try and wake him up but he isn’t doing that either.

“River, I’m scared. River what’s happening? What’s wrong with Silver?”

“He’s just dreaming Ben. He’s having a really bad dream. When he wakes up he’ll be fine.”

“You’re not supposed to wake people when they are having a bad dream.” Ben says solemnly, awake now and not so scared.

“That’s when they’re sleepwalking.”

“Oh. Okay. Wake him up then.”

“I’m trying.” I have to force myself not to snap at him. Silver is thrashing and moaning, calling out words that make no sense. I don’t have the concentration to spare for Ben.

“I’ve seen people on the telly... slap his face.”

“Ben... I am not going to slap Silver.”

“But...”

“Ben.” I snap and he scuttles backwards to huddle against the headboard. “Look, I’m sorry Ben. I didn’t mean to snap but I’m worried about Silver and... I’m sorry.”

Ben says nothing and I am about to abandon Silver for a moment and give Ben some attention when the nature of Silver’s thrashing changes and he grunts, grinding his teeth. Shit.

“Ben, can you go into your room for a few minutes.”

“What? Why?”

“Please Ben, don’t argue, not now.”

“But...”

“Ben... Please. Silver’s not well and I need to focus on him... just for a while. Please... it will just be a few minutes.”

Silver’s convulsions are getting more violent and Ben is happy to scuttle off the bed and out of the room.

There’s not really anything I can do. I can just sit and wait and then, when he starts to relax, take him into my arms and stoke his hair, talking to him until he falls asleep.

When Silver is calm again I reluctantly leave him to go and speak to Ben. He is curled up on his bed dry eyed. I sit down and he turns to look at me thoughtfully.

“Is Silver okay?”

“He will be.”

“What happened? It wasn’t just a bad dream was it?”

“In the beginning it was.” I sigh wondering how much I should tell Ben. “Do you know what a seizure is?”

Ben nods solemnly. “Like epilepsy?”

“Yes but it’s different with Silver. Sometimes it happens after you have a head injury and Silver hurt his head badly when... well last year he had a... he was hurt, in a coma for a long time and since then he occasionally has seizures.”

“Did he nearly die?” Ben’s eyes are huge.

“He’s nearly died more than once. That’s why I... I take care of him, maybe too much, because I’ve almost lost him.”

Ben nods solemnly. “Does it happen very often?”

“No. In fact it hasn’t happened for a long time and I thought it wouldn’t happen again.”

“Why did it?”

“Because Silver was very, very upset.”

“Will he be okay?”

“He’ll be fine tomorrow, just very tired.”

“I’ll help you take care of him.”

I smile and hug him. “It’s alright Ben, you don’t have to. He pretty much looks after himself these days.” Ben looks up and we both grin.

When we go back to bed, Ben eyes Silver nervously but he is fast asleep now and I am so relieved to be sliding into bed and taking him into my arms. I bury my face in his sweet hair and my heart trembles as he turns over and puts his arms around my waist. Ben cuddles into me from behind and I am perfectly content.

The next morning we sleep late, of course and I have to hurry to get to the solicitor in time for my appointment.

After showering and having a hurried breakfast I go upstairs to dress. I am late but still I pause on the landing when Silver comes out of the shower. Sliding my arm around his waist I pull him to me and kiss him gently.

“You’re going to get all wet.”

“Do you think I care?” He smiles and kisses me again. “How are you feeling today?”

“I’m fine,” he murmurs sleepily, resting his head on my shoulder, tickling my face with his damp hair. “Why?”

“You... had a bad night.”

“Did I dream? I don’t remember.”

“Not exactly. Well you did, but... Ben was scared.”

He tilts his head up to look at me and bites his lip thoughtfully making me want to ravish him. I have always thought that ‘ravish’ is such an emotive word and I am waiting for an opportunity.

“Is Ben alright?” Typical Silver. He is more concerned about Ben than himself.

“He’s fine, just a little nervous.”

Silver raises his hand and cups my face, gently stroking my cheek with his thumb. He smiles. “Don't worry, I’ll look after him.”

“I know you will. I trust you absolutely.” There is time for one more kiss...but no ravishing today.

After dressing I hurry downstairs where Ben is waiting for me.

“What if... what it something happens when you’re out? What should I do?”

“Nothing is going to happen... and if it does there’s nothing you can do. Just make sure there’s nothing around that he’s going to hurt himself on and wait.”

He nods, biting his lip, then smiles. “You can trust me River. I’ll take care of him.”

I am so proud of him. I hug him close. “I know you will.”

Nevertheless he looks decidedly worried as he waves me goodbye at the door.

However, when I get home I hear the laughter as soon as I put the key in the door. They are in the kitchen making lunch. I don’t know why, because it is not an ingredient in what they are making, but there is flour everywhere and they are well coated. As I walk through the door they both turn towards me and from the look in their eyes I know I’m in trouble.

After we finish cleaning up and have lunch we load up the car and head home. Ben and Silver chat and giggle in the back and the miles fly by.

Despite starting off doubtfully Ben loves my house, especially when I tell him that the spare room can be his now and decorated in any way he wants. He races around the house, touching all my things with uncontained excitement.

“Wow... did this really come all the way from Africa. Cool is this a ‘real’ Indian blanket.”

When he gets to the studio he opens the door and then stops stock still. After a moment he moves forward reverentially and stares at each painting, brushing them gently with his fingertips. The painting that Silver did of me at the care home is hanging on the wall and he stands in front of it and traces the lines with his finger in silence.

Silver is hovering nervously in the doorway. “Do you like them?” He asks softly.

“They are...they are... You are so awesome.”

Silver smiles broadly, his eyes lighting up. “Can you leave some in here so I can have them in my room?”

“Of course. Or...” Silver smiles shyly, “I could paint something on the wall.”

“Really? You would?”

Silver nods. “What would you like?”

Ben thinks for a moment then announced determinedly. “Naruto.”

Silver looks confused and then grins. “We can look for pictures on the computer.”

“Can we do that now?”

The two of them disappear leaving me to unload the car. I don’t mind at all.

I thought that Ben would take some time to settle in, to find his feet and get used to our routine. Hah. It’s still only the third day after he arrived and it’s already as if he’s always been around. That’s exactly the way he behaves too, ruling the roost. He has Silver eating out of his hand, not that it isn’t reciprocal.

The only thing we have found difficult, is making sure we are not too affectionate, when Ben is around. Silver has more trouble than I do because he doesn’t understand why it isn't a good thing to walk around naked or kiss me whenever he wants or to... well, go further. That’s Silver’s way and he has no concept of why the addition of a twelve year old should change the dynamic so much.

To Silver, Ben is a new friend, like Jake. Speaking of Jake, he has been around every day since we got back. He and Ben hit it off instantly and the three of them have an easy friendship that utterly transcends the age differences.

We’ve cleared out the studio. Most of Silver’s paintings have been boxed and stored in the attic. He isn't very pleased about it but he has to recognise that there really isn’t room anywhere else. He’s set up a new studio in the corner of our bedroom. There isn’t much room but Silver doesn’t care. As long as he can paint he wouldn’t care if he was doing it in a cupboard.

The mural he has done on Ben’s wall is truly incredible. He’s used ordinary emulsion paints to create a masterpiece. He had me go to the local DIY store to pick up dozens of match pots. I wanted him to come with me but he flatly refused. Clearly his experiences of the past few days haven’t left him and are still affecting him deeply.

I am angrier about that than anything. Coming into the hospital with me was a big step forward for Silver. He was frightened, very frightened but nowhere near as bad as he had been in the car. His love for me had given him courage and he had done it. He had held his head high and followed me into the lion’s den... and he was fine. Until my aunt and uncle spilled their poison on him. And then, the experience with the social worker... Gods, no wonder he’s scared of the world, now he has cause to be.