Enigma II. Fighting the Man - 12. Chapter 12 - The Letter

The days that follow are Halcyon days indeed. Ben and Silver become closer and closer, and it is beautiful to see.

More and more I find myself on the outside looking in, my joy tinged with sadness. When Ben is asleep in bed I curl up next to Silver on the large battered sofa and wish that he was someone I could talk to about my fears and worries... but I can’t. That would be unfair because Silver doesn’t understand most of them, and if I make him understand it will crush him.

When I lie next to him at night I cling to him, listening until his breathing is soft and regular and then I weep bitter tears into my pillow while I bury my hands in his hair.

It’s all because of the letter.

I have it safely stashed in the pocket of my jeans. It is folded and pressed flat and even though I haven’t looked at it since the moment I first read it, it has been burning my mind. I haven’t spoken to Sam about it. I should have but it almost seems that if I speak to anyone about it then it will make the whole situation so much more real and that’s the last thing I want.

Ben is going to Sam’s for the day tomorrow. No one except me knows why. I haven’t told Silver. I have no intention of telling him. It would hurt him, and I would cut of a limb to protect him from being hurt any more.

That’s what it feels like, all of this. It feels like I am about to go into surgery to have a limb removed. The only question is whether it will be an arm or a leg... or should that be a heart or a ... heart. I am over thinking it. I have a tendency to do that. Maybe it won’t come to that. Maybe it will be okay.

I can’t sleep and Silver is restless because of it. I can’t lie still, I can’t breathe deeply, I can’t...

“What’s wrong River?” He asks gently making me jump because I hadn’t realised he was awake.

“Nothing. Go back to sleep.”

“You haven’t been like yourself for ages River. I’ve felt it more and more every day. It’s something to do with Ben and me, I see you watching, I see the tears in your eyes. Why? Don’t you like it that he and I are friends?”

“Oh Silver, of course I do... why would I ever not? It’s beautiful to see the two of you together; Jake too. I wish... I just wish...”

“You can join in too... you’re not... old, River.”

I have to smile. Sometimes Silver stuns me with his perceptiveness. The very fact that he has seen what I have been trying so hard to hide shocks me. I turn to him and he looks so beautiful, so very beautiful in the darkness, with the moon on his cheeks. I love him so much. I love him more than... more that...but not...

“Oh God Silver. What do I do? What the hell am I going to do?”

“What’s wrong, River?” He asks folding his arms around me.

I am on the point of tears, feeling more vulnerable than I ever have. My life has been turned upside down so many times in the last few months that I am spinning, and it’s hard to know which way is up. I am tired. Until now I haven’t realised how tired I am.

I have been holding it all together, barely, and in the process I have isolated myself from those I am trying to care for. It’s all too much, way too much.

I look into Silver’s pretty eyes, dark even when the moonlight shines on them and I can’t hold it together any more. As the tears begin to fall from my eyes Silver takes me into his arms and murmurs, “It’s alright River. It’s alright. I’m here.”

He’s here, yeah and that’s the problem isn’t it, the whole of the problem... that he’s here. For a moment I feel a stab of anger. I am utterly horrified that the anger is directed at him. Sobbing harder I let him hold me, let his smell, his touch, his purity drive the anger away.

When I am cried out and lie exhausted in his arms he pulls away slightly and looked deeply into my eyes. It feels as if he is looking into my soul.

“Tell me.” He says simply.

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to hurt you.”

He frowns, the moonlight glittering on his stormy grey eyes. He looks more ‘together’ than I have ever seen him.

“I’m not a child River.” He says softly. “I don’t need to be protected all the time. I know I have been... fragile but not so weak that I can’t be here for you, can’t be for you what you are for me.”

“Silver, I love you so much but it’s not as easy...”

“It’s them isn’t it; those people who came to see Ben? He’s scared of them, scared that they are going to take him away from us.” He paused with a sigh. “I was scared of them too. They don’t like me. It’s because of me isn’t it? Because of what I am, what I did.”

“What you are is beautiful... all the way through. What you’ve done is come through a terrible experience with a courage and grace that astonishes me. You are a wonderful person Silver and if some people are too blind to see it then it’s their problem, their loss.”

“But they can take Ben away.”

“Over my dead body.”

“But they can?”

Damn him for his perceptiveness. “Well... yes, yes they can.”

“And it would be because of me.”

“No. No it... it would...would...”

“Because of me.”

“Silver don’t. It’s not as simple as that.”

“But if I wasn’t here, they wouldn’t be trying to take Ben away.”

“No. Yes...maybe. Look... I don’t know and that’s the truth, but it’s academic. You are here and you are not going anywhere. I would shrivel up and die without you. We can do this. Together we can show them what a wonderful person you are and how good for Ben you have been. After everything he’s been through they wouldn’t take him away from me, not now, they just can't.”

Silver sighed, his eyes still dark. “I’m scared River.”

“Scared? What of?”

“I feel... I’ve felt it ever since that woman came, that something bad is going to happen, that they’re going to take you away from me and they are.”

“Don’t be silly. No one is ever going to take me away from you.”

“They already are River. Every day a little more. You are slipping away from and I don’t know why or how to stop it.”

I take a deep breath. Should I tell him? I suppose he’ll have to know sooner or later, they both will and he’s right, he’s not a child.

“I’m sorry if it seems that way Silver. It’s just that I’ve been worried.”

“Worried? About what?”

“I’ve had a letter. I have to go to a meeting tomorrow. They are going to decide what I need to do to be able to keep Ben with me.”

“With us?”

“With us Silver... with us.”

He is silent for a moment, his face thoughtful. “I’ll go with you.”

“I couldn’t ask that of you.”

“You didn’t ask.”

“I know but...”

He shakes his head. “No River. This is about me. It’s all because of me and I need to put it right. I need to tell them that I am not going to hurt Ben that I’m his friend and I am not dangerous. I need to make this right. I’ll go. I’ll show them.”

My heart soars even as my stomach drops. It would be so good to have him with be, to have him close, but... “Thank you. You have no idea how much it would mean to me to have you with me tomorrow, but I’m worried that you would be hurt by what they are going to say.”

“I know I will. But I can be strong. I have been telling Ben to be strong and if he can be then so can I. I can be strong for you.”

“Silver, you are a wonder.” I whisper as his hand snakes down my spine and he makes me forget my worries in the way only he can.

***

But I regret it big time now. We were both cranky when we got up this morning and Silver’s eyes are haunted. I’ve had second, third and fourth thoughts about letting him come. He is deeply afraid. I can practically feel his fear, but he’s covering it up... just for me.

Ben has picked up on the atmosphere of course and he’s unusually subdued. Sam knows what’s going on now and he is not happy when I tell him that Silver is coming with me.

We are sitting in the garden drinking beer and trying to relax. They boys are all upstairs in Jake’s room and I know that Silver is relaxing in his own way.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing River? You are going to have enough to worry about without having to keep Silver together. You’re setting him up for a fall. You know full well that he is going to fall apart in no time in that atmosphere.”

“I know Sam, but what can I do? He wants to come. He feels guilty. He thinks that if he explains everything to them it will be alright. He doesn’t understand, not really.” I sigh. “Not at all.”

“Have you explained it to him? Have you explained what the concerns are, what’s going to happen, what they’re likely to say to him and about him.”

“How can I without hurting him?”

“More than they will?”

“He wants to come, Sam. He wants to support me, to be there for me. How can I deny him that?

“He wants to come?” I look at Sam, thrown by his question. “Think carefully River because I think you are making a huge mistake.”

“I have to stop treating him like a child Sam. He’s not a child and sometime or other he is going to have to start living in the real world because the real world won’t just go away because he wants it to.”

Sam gives me the strangest look and it makes me very uncomfortable but not as much as his next words to me.

“Think about what you are saying River. Think about how you are saying it. You said that you would do anything for him, that you would protect him no matter what.”

“Things have changed Sam, I have Ben to think of now. Silver isn’t a child, Ben is.”

“River, I love you like a son, you know that I do, and that is why I am going to tell you that I think you are being a complete fool and a selfish one at that. Not just about today but about the whole situation. You are about to make the biggest mistake you have ever made in your life.”

“What? No... you don’t understand.”

“Oh, I think I do River. I understand far more than you think I do, and I think I understand more than you do. Silver has a lot invested in you. In many ways you are the only world he knows. You are everything to him; his stability, his future, his life. In many ways he needs you far more than Ben does.”

“That’s ridiculous. Ben is a child, and one who has just had his whole life pulled out from under him. He’s lost everything. All he has is me.”

I am getting really angry with the way this conversation is going. It is wandering onto dangerous ground and I don’t want to think about where it is going to go next. How dare Sam do this to me? How dare he not support me when I need him most? Can’t he see the logic? Ben is the child and Ben is the one who needs protecting. Protecting? From what?

There is a nasty little battle going on inside. A spiteful voice is nudging at me, saying that this is all Silver’s fault, that he should have grown up by now, that he should be normal. He should be able to support me and to explain himself and defend himself. It’s not fair that I should have to do this all on my own when it was his fault. It’s not fair that I have to take care of both of them and there is no one to take care of me.

At the same time another voice, the voice of my guilt slaps me in the face and calls me a selfish whinging fuckwit. The voice of guilt hurts so much that it makes me unreasonable, makes me hit out at those who least deserves it.

“Ben hadn’t lost everything River. He has you, he has us. He has his identity, his past, his memories, his friends, his things. He has his music, his games, his hopes and dreams. He has his life. He is Ben. He has that.”

I am even angrier. Behind his words are others, unsaid... Ben has a lot more than Silver has.

“Ben is almost the age that Silver was when he was taken. He really did lose everything River. He lost himself and he hasn’t found it completely yet. He loves you unconditionally and trusts you completely. Most people would kill for someone like that. But it brings a lot of responsibility.”

“So you are telling me that I should just let them take Ben into care so that I can look after Silver?” I snap, irate.

“Not at all. I’m saying that you had Silver in your life before Ben and you can’t push him aside to make room for your new toy.”

“Toy?” I am almost blinded by rage now. He’s crazy. How dare he make judgements? How dare he call Ben a ‘toy’? He doesn’t understand. He doesn’t understand a damn thing.

“I was being metaphorical and you know what I mean.” Sam said mildly. “You know Silver better than anyone on earth. You know his vulnerabilities and frailties. I shouldn’t need to be having this conversation with you.”

“Then don’t.”

“Fair enough but just think about it River. Sometimes life is hard and we all have to make sacrifices. Just make sure you make the right ones or you will regret it for the rest of your life.”

“Sacrifice? You are a fine one to talk about sacrifice. Isn’t that what you did to your own son?”

I wish I could bite out my tongue. How could I have said that to Sam? I’m a complete idiot. I’ve hurt someone I love, someone who was trying to help me. He’s bound to get angry and I wouldn’t blame him. Hell, I wouldn’t blame him if he laid me out. I deserve it. I’d had no right to say that, no cause either.

“I... I’m sorry...” I stammer but Sam just shakes his head sadly and walks away. I see him bend his head to say a few words to Hester and she looks up at me, her face filled with sadness too.

Fuck them all. I know what I’m doing. Picking up my car keys from the hall I storm out of the house to the car without bothering to say goodbye to anyone, not even Silver or Ben. But Silver must have been watching, expecting something. He is so perceptive. As I get into the car he appears and silently gets into the passenger side.

“Get out of the car. I don’t want you to come.” I don’t mean it but the anger I was feeling towards Sam slips into my voice. I regret lashing out at him the moment I see the flicker of pain in his eyes. However, he pushes it aside and calmly straps on his seatbelt.

“I don’t care what you want. I know that Sam was talking to you about me and neither of you think I’m up to it but I WILL go with you. This is my fault and I am going to put it right.”

He sounds so determined that it brings a smile to my lips. I don’t get to see the forceful Silver very often but he is putting in an appearance more and more often these days I have to admit that I like him. I can’t help but smile.

“Okay, you can come, but it is not your fault.”

“Whatever.” He smiles a little smile then switches on the radio and lies back with his eyes closed.

Neither of us is in the mood for conversation and the journey is passed pretty much in silence. I conveniently forget how scared Silver must be. My mind is wholly on myself and Ben.

The Social Services offices are in a very modern, almost brand new building. As we step out of the lift the first thing that assails us is the smell of new wood. Everything is shiny and new. We are shown into a waiting room with two or three other families apparently in the same situation.

A couple of runny nosed kids of about six or seven are running about making nuisances of themselves, while their parents glower at them and occasionally snap a swear word at them. They are all unpleasant. It isn’t the fact that they are dirty and unkempt. I have seen many people who struggle to keep themselves clean and tidy who are the nicest people. No, it’s something about the eyes. They are, without exception, cold. They are... defensive, accusing, challenging, aggressive. They are just not nice. I feel a shiver of anticipation as they all look up at us. I don’t like the people. I don’t like the situation. I don’t like the fact that Silver has to be here. These people are the antithesis of Silver. They have none of his innocence.

I am acutely aware that they are all staring at me... at Silver. Thankfully he seems oblivious. He sits in a chair straight backed with his hands clenched at his sides, his lips moving as he repeats some mantra over and over, to keep the fear under control.

Silver jumps when someone calls out my name and he stares at me with frightened eyes. Then he forces himself to smile and nods at me.

“It’s okay River.” He says softly. “We can do this. I can do this.”

I take his hand to renewed stares and mutters from the other people in the waiting room and we walk towards the voice.

“Ah... Mr Caulfield and Mr Hart.” A sour faced woman with a clipboard motions us into an empty room. For a moment I am confused. Who the hell is Mr Hart? Then I realise it’s Silver. I have to calm down and stop panicking at every little thing. If I can’t even remember his name we’re lost; they are not the kind of people to understand that Silver is just… Silver.

The woman sits down and motions for us to do the same in one of the chairs set around the large table. The smell of new wood is strong in here and makes my nose itch.

Silver is shaking but he sits upright and makes an effort to appear calm and focussed. If I wasn’t so scared, I would be proud of him.

“Do you understand why we are here today?” She asks gently enough.

“To talk about Ben and your worries about him living with us.” I venture and she beams.

“Exactly, Mr Caulfield. May I call you River?”

“Of course.”

“We’re here for Ben, to try and make some decisions to ensure that he is safe and happy. All we are concerned about is Ben. It’s disappointing that you didn’t bring him with you today. Did you not get the invitation?”

“Um... I didn’t get your name.” I am feeling at a distinct disadvantage here and I am buggered if she’s getting away with anything I can do something about.

“Oh, I am sorry, how rude of me. I am Dianne Stokes, I am the Chairman of the meeting today. Feel free to call me Dianne.”

“You have to understand... Dianne... that Ben had been through a lot recently. He’s lost everything.” I feel a sharp twinge of guilt when I speak those words. “He’s lost his parents, his home, the life he’s known for the last twelve years.” Another pang which I choose to ignore. “And now he’s scared that he is going to lose me. He is just beginning to settle down, to get back to his own self again. He’s terrified that you are going to come in and take him away. If I brought him here today it would have wiped away all the progress we have made.”

“Why is that? Surely Ben realises that we are here to help him and not to make life any more difficult for him.”

“He doesn’t see it like that.” I am stinging from the accusing tone and so I don’t mind snapping back.

“Perhaps he is picking up a negative impression of what we are trying to do for him from the people around him. Perhaps you should work a little harder to convince him that our involvement is a positive thing.”

“Perhaps if you made it a positive thing I would be able to do that. I don’t think that turning up on our doorstep with two police officers on the day he comes out of hospital, the day when he has already been scared into hysterics by two lunatics who were trying to take him; can possibly be seen as a positive thing. It scared the hell out of him and I have had to work hard to get him to relax and stop having nightmares. He was completely traumatised and it is going to be a long time before he learns to trust Social Services or the police again no matter how much encouragement I give him.”

“Your opinion is noted River, but we are here today to discuss what is best for Ben and in order to work out what that might be someone is going to have to speak to him. If you keep refusing then you leave us with very little option but to believe that you have something to hide.

“And you claim to want to help him?”

“You are going to have to accept River, that no matter what the outcome today there is going to be continuing involvement by Social Services and it is up to you to make sure that this is a positive experience for Ben.”

I am stunned but before I can say another word she moves on to Silver and I have other things on my mind. Giving Silver a cold look over her glasses she says. “Mr Hart, I have been hearing a lot about you. I understand you have had a... colourful past.”

The note of censure is unmistakable and my heart sinks. They have already made up their mind about him. Silver looks confused.

“I... I don’t know... I don’t understand.” His voice is shaking but it only seems to make her even more censorious and when she speaks it is as if she is speaking to a child.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to confuse you. I will try to make myself clearer. I understand that you have... difficulties.”

Silver glances at me more confused than ever.

“Silver’s difficulties are not an issue here Dianne. He understands perfectly well if you are straight with him.”

“On the contrary, River. I think you will find that Mr Hart’s mental health is very much an issue here. But I will try to speak more clearly for him.” I grind my teeth but her words seem to have been completely lost on Silver. In fact he seems completely lost, period.

“Do you understand why we are here?”

Silver looks like a frightened rabbit. I can feel the fear emanating from him and I wish fervently that I had listened to Sam and not brought him. Nevertheless, when he answers his voice is soft and reasonably calm.

“You... you think that Ben is not safe with... with me.”

“Do you understand why that might be a concern?”

He shakes his head, an earnest eager expression on his face. “I’m not a bad person. I love Ben, I would never hurt him. He’s my friend.”

“There are different ways of hurting someone...Silver isn’t it? What a beautiful name.” Silver smiles uncertainly. “Sometimes you can hurt people without meaning to, without even knowing you are doing it.”

Silver looks completely confused now. Dianne reaches out and pats his hand. “There are people who have hurt you aren’t there? They tried to hurt River too.” He winces and nods, biting his lip. “What if they try to hurt you again and hurt Ben instead, by accident?”

“But they won’t. I’m free now.”

“Ah yes... free. A lot has happened to you hasn’t it?” He nods. “And it all started when you were about Ben’s age.”

“Yes.” He whispers.

“How do you feel about what happened to you?”

“F...feel?”

“Do you think that what was done to you was wrong? Do you think the things that you did were bad things?” I am practically growling at this point. What the hell does she think he is going to say... that he loved every minute of it? The only thing that keeps me quiet is that Silver is confused enough already and I don’t want to confuse him any more. Hopefully, if I don’t make a fuss we can work through this without too much harm being done.

“I... I don’t... understand. I don’t... know.”

“I see. And when you were ‘a slave’,” She says the word with such a forceful mix of distain and distaste that Silver winces back as if he has been slapped. His hand grips mine hard “Were you kept imprisoned for the whole of the time, the whole seven years? Were you chained? Bound?”

“No, not all the time. I... I was... in the end I was... I... don’t know what...”

“Did you ever try to escape, to run away?”

Silver’s eyes dart everywhere. I can see him sink back into the horror of his past. I can see the darkness which threatens to overcome him. Why can’t she? Maybe she can.

“It wasn’t as easy as that Mrs Stokes. He may not have been bound physically but he was chained in his mind. They took everything away from him; his name, his identity, everything. He only existed to be what he was told to be, to do what he was told to do.”

“And what did they tell him to do, to be?”

Before I can open my mouth Silver says softly. “I was a whore. I am a whore.” I am utterly shocked. I didn’t even know he knew that word.

“At least you’re honest.” She says, apparently as surprised as I am.

“That’s not true.” I have to say. “Silver you know that’s not true.”

“Yes it is River.” He says in that same soft voice, his eyes on the table in front of him. “You know it is.”

“Do you think that sharing a house with someone like you might be morally damaging for Ben?” Silver looks stricken and crumbles. He has been so strong but she has led him back down darks roads and he doesn’t understand what she wants for him... or at least he doesn’t understand why. I am actually glad about that.

“I’m not a bad person, I’m not. I wouldn’t hurt Ben. I would never hurt Ben. I would never hurt anyone. I’m not bad. I’m not... I’m not.” His face twists with pain and he slumps forward, holding his head in his hands and starts to cry. He has been so strong, so brave and now... now he is crying and shaking alarmingly and I want to hit that stupid woman in the face.

“Whatever Silver has been through in the past isn’t what he is now. He’s a beautiful, gentle person who would never hurt anyone. How could you hurt him like this? I know you are here to talk about Ben and what’s best for him but that doesn’t mean that no one else matters, that you can treat people like dirt and judge them without knowing anything about them.”

“We know enough, River.” She says coldly and then, more brightly. “I think you need some time to compose yourself. Five minutes should be sufficient I think. We need to be getting on as people have other commitments.” She glances at Silver. “Perhaps you want to think about whether Silver is up to taking part in the conference or whether he would be better staying outside. He might find some of the things we discuss in conference... upsetting.”

She picks up her clipboard and walks out leaving me feel numb. It feels as if she has tried Silver, judged him and cast him aside. I fell anger like I have never felt before and I assuage it by throwing myself into Silver.