Enigma II. Fighting the Man - 13. Chapter 13 - The Conference

He isn’t crying any more and that is not a good sign. When I put my arm around his shoulders he turns and clings to me like a drowning man and in many ways he is drowning.

“Ssh...it’s okay. Silver, it’s okay. Everything is okay.”

“No.” He whispers. “I didn’t see it before but they’re right. They were always right.”

“What do you mean?” I am alarmed by the emptiness in his voice.

“I should have run away. I should have tried to get away but I didn’t realise. I didn’t know that what I was doing was wrong. I didn’t want to run away. I...I was happy. I have always believed what I was told...by the doctors...you... that it wasn’t my fault; that none of it was my fault but you’re wrong. It was my fault. I let it happen. It made me happy.”

His eyes are going dark. He is turning inwards... fast, and it scares the hell out of me. There is a sense of foreboding in his words that makes me fear that if I let him slip away this time I will never get him back again. I shake him quite roughly. “Listen to me... no, listen to me, Silver. Look at me.”

He doesn’t want to and tries to look away, but I won’t let him.

“The doctors weren’t wrong and neither was I. It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t run away because they had hurt you too much. They made you a slave Silver... a slave. That means you belonged to them, that everything about you was theirs and that included your will. Without that you couldn’t have run away. You had nowhere to run to.

“Don’t let them, or anyone else, ever convince you that it was your fault because that is not true. Don’t let them convince you that you are bad, because that is not true either. And don’t ever, ever call yourself a whore again.”

He smiles a strange little smile that clearly shows he doesn’t believe me and I see him slip further inside himself, further away from me. I am losing him.

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you do this to me.”

I take his face between my hands and stare into his eyes, practically spitting into his face. “Whatever happened in the past, whoever is right or wrong, I don’t care. Do you understand me? I don’t care what you were. I don’t love that person. I love you, the you who is here with me now. I love you for your beauty, for your purity, for your strength. I love you with all my heart and soul and more than that I need you Silver, I need you to help me get through this. Don't you dare leave me now. Not like this. Don’t you DARE.”

He blinks and stares at me in shock. I breathe a sigh of relief as the blankness recedes but I get the feeling it hasn’t gone far. I weight the options and decide that, on balance, it would be better for him to wait outside. It would almost certainly do him some serious psychological harm to sit and listen to what everyone has to say about him.

“I need you to go and wait outside Silver, back where we were before, just now. Do you think you can do that?”

He looks at me blankly and I shiver. This isn’t fair. This just isn’t fair. I have enough to cope with right now with Ben. “Silver you have to snap out of it. I need you. Do you understand? I need you now. I have taken care of you for six months and now I need you to be there for me. I’m scared Silver, scared and angry and hurt but mostly scared. I need someone to support ME now. You have to, you just have to. I need you now.”

My voice is sharper than I had intended but it seems to do the trick.

“I’m sorry River. I’ll be here for you. I won’t let you down, I promise.”

He is still shaking, still scared but he is there. He is there for me, only for me.

“Thank you, babe.” I whisper. “Thank you.” I hug him close until the trembling eases. “Come on, I’ll take you to the waiting room.”

As we walk out of the room I see Dianne talking to a little huddle of people, one of whom I recognise as the Social Worker who had come out to see us. Dianne smiles a false smile and comes over.

“You could have waited inside. We would have come to you.”

“I think it’s best if Silver waits outside.”

“That’s a shame. It will mean that he won’t be able to answer any questions that are raised. But if you think he wouldn’t be up to it then that’s up to you.”

I grit my teeth. The bitch was the one who had suggested it.

“Is there somewhere else he could wait?”

“We have a waiting room.”

“Yes, we saw but it seems to be full.”

“Oh I’m sure he can find a little corner, he’s not that big... are you, sweetheart?” She touches his arm and he jumps, turning his bright eyes to her. “Or is he not able to cope with other people?” Her tone is concerned but it has a sting and it irritates me that she is speaking to me and not him.

Silver touches my arm gently. I look up at him. He still looks pale and sad and my heart jumps. “It’s alright River. Don’t worry about me,” he says in his soft voice giving me a sweet smile. “I’ll be alright. I like children.” It’s true; he does, but he has never met children like these.

I am scared, caught between a rock and a hard place. If I change my mind and let him come in then I am sure that he will get upset, more than upset. The things I know in my heart they are going to say about him might damage him irreparably. I have already had a taste of that. He still hasn’t got the hang of deceit or manipulation. He doesn’t understand malice or spite.

He’s just too innocent and pure to be able to play games and maybe that’s my fault. I have protected him too much. But at least I would be there with him, I would be holding his hand. Out here he would be alone. I am seriously worried about meltdown, or worse, shut down. Why won’t anyone understand? Why are they being so cruel to him? I smile at him as, with a glance over his shoulder he disappears into the waiting room. I feel cold.

Inside the conference room there are more people than I expected. I feel utterly intimidated and on trial. I feel defensive and angry and scared, not a good combination; not a good start. I am under pressure from all sides. Who do I protect? Ben? Silver?

Dianne goes through some kind of legal spiel that I barely listen to and don’t really understand. She says that the only decision the conference can make is whether Ben’s name is entered into the ‘At Risk’ register but I have no idea what that means. Maybe this is what it’s like to be Silver, hearing the words, knowing what is being said but having no idea what any of it actually means. I have tried looking it up on the internet but it really didn’t tell me very much.

After the speech Dianne asks everyone to introduce themselves. There are two police officers, not ones that I recognise, the headmaster of Ben’s old school, a psychiatric nurse from the Community Mental Health Team, the social worker who visited us, another social worker who is introduced as the ‘team leader’ and someone who is taking minutes.

I am asked to sign my name on a piece of paper which I presume is a ‘register’ of attendance. Everyone has to sign and say who they are. I write my name and under the column which says ‘capacity’ I am tempted to put... very little remaining thanks to all the bullshit... but thankfully think better of it and write brother/carer.

Dianne asks me if I have read the social worker’s report, which I haven’t. A sheaf of papers is thrust under my nose which I am given no chance to give anything but a cursory scan.

“Perhaps, Louise, you could just summarise the gist of your report.”

I listen while Louise relates a completely twisted version of events from the ‘referral’ which gives undue (in my opinion) emphasis to the ‘genuine concerns of people who have played a large role in Ben’s upbringing and have intimate knowledge of the family situation’, and to the ‘I refused to co operate and allow her to speak to Ben’, while conveniently failing to mention the reason why.

The report details, of course, the ‘concerns’ about Silver; his past, his ‘mental health’, the huge responsibility placed on me by having to look after him, the potential moral danger he presents to Ben and the fact that Ben may be put at risk from ‘repercussions from the past’ as well as being neglected in favour of Silver’s needs. It talks about Silver’s inability to cope with everyday situations, his reaction to the social worker being cited as evidence.

At the end I am given the opportunity to speak. I try to explain but I just seem to be digging the hole deeper and deeper. As I outline what happened to Silver there seems to be little sympathy in the eyes around the table which range from disbelief to disgust. There are questions about what kind of conditions Silver lived in, what was done to him, what he was expected to do. I try to explain as best I can but I have to admit that Silver rarely talks about that time and finds it difficult when he does.

I am asked to explain about what happened with Faith and again I try my best. When asked about the likelihood of further repercussions I try to explain the situation with regard to the Master but it’s clear that no one really understands... or cares.

Of course I am reprimanded, although not directly, for becoming involved with a ‘patient’ under my care and I am so, so glad that I resigned before I started our relationship. Even so it is blatantly suggested that I had somehow used my influence, in a ‘position of trust and power’, to lure him into a relationship. They stopped short of saying ‘forced’.

I try to explain about Sophy and Ray but I’m tied in knots and they are making me feel as if I’m unjustly attacking them because I unreasonably don’t like them. When I try to explain why I don’t like them no one wants to know. Again, when I try to explain why I didn’t want Louise to speak to Ben at that time, I was effectively closed down.

No one has spoken to the hospital about what happened to Ben when my aunt and uncle tried to take him. No one has spoken to Ms Ward. No one has spoken to Dr Marshall. On reflection maybe I should have done. I know that if I had asked, Dr Marshall would have been here with me today. I give up, demoralised.

The headmaster goes next. There is something vaguely familiar about him which has plagued me ever since I heard his voice on the phone. The sense of familiarity becomes more intense as he speaks about Ben. He has nothing but good to say about him. Then surprisingly he goes on to talk about me. Suddenly I realise that the reason he seems so familiar is that he had been my English teacher for a year. Those times seem to be so long ago now.

I listen with genuine surprise as he speaks about how genuine and caring I was, how popular with staff and pupils, how disappointed they were that I had not gone on to further education. I have to butt in there and tell him about the nursing degree. He is genuinely delighted for me. However, Social Services are quick to jump on that.

“What are you intending to do about child care for Ben while you are at university?”

“I haven’t really thought about it,” I am forced to admit. “He will be in school most of the time and we have the same holidays.”

“What about when he is ill, or you are studying?”

“I haven’t thought about it.” I acknowledge begrudgingly. “It happened before Ben came to us and it’s been the last thing on my mind ever since. I’ll work something out. Silver can take care of him, I guess.”

“Is he capable of looking after a child?”

“Totally.” I say coldly after the unspoken suggestion that he wasn’t capable of looking after himself. I am surprised again when the headmaster intervenes.

“There are many, many single parents going on to further education and managing perfectly well. A nursing degree is a very demanding one but it is also designed to prepare people for one of the caring professions and it is hardly likely that they will place problems in the way of someone who is caring for a child. I am sure that there will be child care facilities available in an emergency and the local authority,” he stresses those words ever so slightly, “can provide details of reputable child minders.”

“Yes indeed. Let’s move on.”

The police are next. Unsurprisingly they report that Silver has no convictions or record of any kind and the only involvement he has had with the police is as a victim on the two occasions they were directly involved. When he was first found at the side of the road, and when we were kidnapped. They gave details about the operation to rescue us, taking care to mention that it was only possible because of my quick thinking in alerting them by using the alarm button, and the measures put into place to protect us afterwards.

They have reports from a number of officers, not Sam, about us, all of which are highly complimentary. Most surprisingly of all they have reports from the police officers who accompanied Ms Ward which are extremely useful as they record the telephone calls to the hospital and Dr Marshall and take the wind out of Social Services’ sails, in relation to the Hansons.

In fact, I notice that a lot of what they say rattle the social workers, who try to almost cross examine them but are shut down every time. These police officers are good, very good.

Lastly the CPN speaks and I only wish I could say that she had done her homework as well as the police had. She has not been able to access Silver’s medical records of course, without his permission but she has spoken to the doctors who initially treated him after the murder attempt and those who treated him after the shooting.

She skims over what the second doctor said, saying that it was irrelevant as it did not relate specifically to mental health issues and I am sure it was irrelevant to her but it rattles me nonetheless because if she had paid a little more attention she would have been able to relate how everyone at the hospital, staff and patients alike had fallen in love with Silver even though he was so very ill when he was there.

Obviously when he had been in hospital the first time he was even more ill and his prognosis for recovery mentally was not good at all. She speaks generally about the recovery process, ‘in such cases’ and it makes me incredibly angry as she has not spoken to Dr Mitchell and has no idea whatsoever about Silver’s particular case.

She looks at me with downright hostility when I try to explain how Silver actually is. In the end I give up and sit back waiting for the inevitable with a dry mouth and heavy heart.

Dianne sums up in an unsurprisingly distorted way and then everyone has to vote on whether they think whether Ben should go on the register or not. Unsurprisingly Social Services and the CPN voted yes but shockingly, and not just to me, the Police and headmaster voted no. Unfortunately Dianne, as the chairman got the casting vote and that is that.

But it isn’t over yet. As if they haven’t done enough. Now they are deciding under what category Ben’s name should be registered. It shocks me when they decide on Physical Harm and Emotional Abuse. They won’t give me any chance to argue. Apparently my ability to speak has now ended and it’s completely out of my hands; I don’t matter any more... if I ever did.

And it still isn’t over. Now they are discussing recommendations. By now I am numb and I let it all go over my head as they decide on the content of the ‘core group’, whatever that is... no one thinks to explain anything to me, as I said I don’t matter any more. I sit up and take notice however when they start talking about asking Sophy and Ray to attend the core group meeting, as a ‘stabilising influence’ for Ben.

“Over my dead body will I sit in a meeting listening to their sick hypocrisy. They don’t care about Ben. All they care about is getting their hands on his share of my parents’ assets and making sure he’s kept away from me and pumped full of their sick prejudices.”

Reluctantly a decision as to whether they should be involved was deferred until after the Social Worker has spoken to Ben.

If I was shocked by that recommendation, I am doubly stunned by the next because now they move on to Silver and recommend weekly visits with the CPN and a full psychiatric assessment.

“That’s not going to happen.”

Dianne raised her eyebrow “Really? Well they are only recommendations but if Mr Hart refuses to co operate that is going to have a big impact on the future conduct of this matter. We are going to have to recommend that Mr Hart moves out of your home and has no contact with Ben until the assessments are done, therefore if he refuses to co operate with the assessments...”

“Wait. Hold on... what did you say? Silver has to move out but...but you can’t expect Silver to move out of his home. Where would he go?”

“I’m sorry River, but until we have a full report we are not able to assess whether Silver presents any risk to Ben and we can’t risk placing him with you.”

“So either Silver moves out or Ben is taken away.”

“We would never put it as bluntly as that. However, if Silver remains living at your home we would have to re assess the situation and if we were to come to the conclusion that Ben was at risk we would have to speak to our lawyers to discuss what further action might be taken.”

“And that further action would be to turn up on my doorstep in the middle of the night with two police officers and drag Ben away.”

“We would have to take legal advice.”

“Save it. And if I agree? If Silver moves out? Will I be able to take Ben to see him?”

“It would depend where he was but we would have to say that for the meantime it would be best if there was no contact.”

“And if Silver doesn’t move out and you take Ben away... where would you put him.”

“Your aunt and uncle have expressed a willingness to take Ben so that he is not placed with strangers.”

“I bet they did.”

Ignoring me she continues. “We are undertaking a viability assessment just in case.”

“Good luck with that. I’m sure you’ll love them... they’re tight arsed, prejudiced, homophobic, bigots.”

Again I am treated to the laser gaze over the glasses. I don’t care any more.

“Alright, if there’s no more, let’s recap. “It has been decided that Ben’s name will be placed on the Child Protection Register under the categories of Physical Harm and Emotional Abuse. He is to remain with his brother in his home on the conditions set out in the Social Worker’s report. We will review the decision in three months from today by which time the assessments should be available.

“The allocated Social Worker will be Louise Green and she will visit all parties on a regular basis and prepare an updated report for conference. Ben will be enrolled in a local school and his headmaster approached for a report for the next conference. Ben will be enrolled with a GP who will prepare a report once he has received his medical records from his previous doctor.

“I think that’s it unless there’s anything else.” Everyone shakes their head and I am too damned angry to say a word. “Okay then... let’s set the first core group meeting for two weeks time and we’ll see where we go from there.”