Enigma II. Fighting the Man - 16. Chapter 16 - Meltdown

SILVER’S VOICE

I feel... I don’t know how I feel. I have never felt this way before. It hurts. It is not like I was hurt before, there are no bruises, no wounds to dress. But it hurts. It hurts just as much. I’m not even sure why I am hurting.

I tried so hard. I went with him. I went to that awful place. They stared at me with eyes that made me feel like they were taking off my clothes and beating my body with whips. I closed my eyes but I could still see them. I have never been so frightened but I... I stayed because of him. I couldn’t abandon my River in a place like that.

It was worse than I thought. That woman. I didn’t like her. I didn’t understand what she was trying to say. I didn’t know what she wanted of me. I tried my best but none of it was good enough. I got so confused and then... and then...

I tried to tell her that I wouldn’t hurt Ben, that I’m not dangerous but... she made me think that maybe I am. She’s right... I didn’t try to run away. Does that mean that I wanted it to happen, that it was my fault after all? It’s something I have been thinking about for a long time now. I was happy. Those years, before David, when everyone loved me and was proud of me. I liked the way they looked at me, knowing they couldn’t have me. I was proud I suppose.

And it’s true... that I didn’t... I have never said this to River and I never would...I do love him, I really do and I wouldn’t go back, not for the world but... I didn’t hate my life. I didn’t hate what I did, the way I was treated, the things they had me do. If it wasn’t for David I think I could have been content.

I am so often confused here. Sometimes I feel that I don’t understand anything, not even River. I know he loves me... I know he does. I see it in his eyes when he looks at me, I hear it in his voice but... he doesn’t understand me and I know he gets angry with me sometimes because of that.

I have tried. I have tried really hard to fit into this world, to be what River wants me to be. I have tried to make myself into the person he wants and needs. I have tried to stop being afraid, to be brave and strong like he is. I have tried to forget what I was and find a new person to be but... there’s a part of me that thinks that I shouldn’t try to be someone else, that I should just go on being who I am.

I used to like who I am. I used to know who I am and where I fit in. Now... now I have no idea. I’m tired of trying to be someone else. I’m tired of fighting against what I am, who I am. At first when she told me, when she made me realise all of this... that I really am who they think I am; that it is my fault what is happening to Ben, that I am dangerous... at first I was scared and sad and I wanted to run away again.

River wouldn’t let me. He said he needs me. He said he needs me to lean on, so I came back for him. I wanted to be strong for him and I tried to be. I went into that awful room with those people who... who... but... but it wasn't enough, none of it was enough. How could it have been? Whatever River said, whatever he says I am not like him, I am not good and kind and sweet. I am not someone who takes care of people, who can be leaned on.

I am not a good person. I am not someone who River can be proud of. I am not good enough to be his boyfriend. I never was but I didn’t realise it until now. But even then... even after all that... when I saw his face when he came out of the room, when I saw the looking in his eyes when he saw me... I was stupid, a fool as always. When I saw his eyes I thought that it was going to be alright no matter what. I thought that he loved me and that he would make everything alright.

It was weird though. In the car. River was weird. He wouldn’t look at me, wouldn’t talk to me and I thought as hard as I could about what I might have done to hurt him. I figured that it must have been because he had listened to what they said about me and realised that they were right. He must have seen it. He must have.

I knew he loved me. I have always known he loves me but love is not enough is it? It’s not enough when the person you love is a rotten, stinking whore. How could he ever be proud of me like I am of him? How could he make me part of his life, introduce me to his friends, his family... anyone, knowing what I am. He must be so ashamed of me.

I hadn’t thought about that before, about the other people in River’s life. Apart from Sam he has never introduced me to any of them. I hadn’t realised that it was because he was ashamed of me. It made me feel... sad inside.

And then... when we got back to Sam’s house he wouldn’t speak to me. He hid away with Sam and I got scared. I knew. I knew that something was so horribly wrong but I couldn’t... I couldn’t do anything.

I heard the things he said... the things he said about me. He thinks I’m weak. He thinks he has to take care of me and he hates it...he hates me. He didn’t say it but I could hear it in his voice. Has he been lying to me all this time, when he said he loved me? Has he been playing some kind of game with me? Why? Why has he done this to me?

I remember all the things I have seen and read about. I remember the way that people hurt each other. But I never thought that it would be River. I never thought that I would be the one that he hurt. I believed him when he said he would never hurt me.

And then he left me. He didn’t even say goodbye. Sam told me it was because he was upset but... he left me. River left me here. He went away and he left me.

Oh it hurts. I hurt.

I was sick, so sick that my stomach hurts now as if I have been punched. My heart hurts too and my eyes... I all hurt. I banged myself when I fell and I feel dizzy now. They’ve all gone away and I’m on my own. I’m so on my own. They did try. They did try to get in. I thought they were going to break the door down. But once I heard that River’s gone... I suppose I just gave up talking, gave up caring.

I don’t think I could get up now anyway. I did try but I feel so weak. It’s nice here on the floor, cool.

I watched a film with Jake a few days ago. In a way it was a relief because it made me understand a lot of things that I didn’t understand before. I am a whore and that is not a good thing. I have let people use my body and I never knew how bad it was. I thought... I thought that it was good to be good at what I do. I thought that giving pleasure, pleasing my masters was a good thing. I didn’t know that it made me... what was that word... soiled... spoiled goods. I didn’t know that people out here hate whores.

I understand now why River is ashamed of me. In a way it is a relief. In a way. At least now I know why he left me. I know why he doesn’t want Ben to be... why I can’t... be with him when Ben is there. I know.

Oh it hurts. Why can’t I stop the hurting? I have never hurt like this before. I wish... I wish... It was so much simpler then. Then I had pride. Then I had people who were proud of me, who valued me for what I could do. Then I was... I was... whole.

Sam is calling me again but I don’t want to go. I don’t want to face anyone. They all know. They all know what I am, they’ve always known and they didn’t tell me. Does everyone hate me? Are they all just pretending? I don’t know any more. I don’t know... anything. Everything scares me. What will happen now? What if Sam is ashamed of me too? What if he gets angry when his friends can’t come any more because he is ashamed? Will he leave me too? No... no that’s wrong... will he want me to leave? Where will I go? No one likes a whore... no one... well... except... Maybe I should go back. Maybe I have to go back. No one will be ashamed of me there. No one will hate me for what I am.

But I can’t. I can’t because I am too scared. I am terrified of what lies beyond the garden gate. The world and everything in it scares me. Even more so now because I had thought that there was at least a little part of it that I understood, that I could rely on. Now even that is gone. What am I going to do now? I can’t stay; I can’t go. What if Sam makes me leave? I can’t think of it. I can’t think of having to go out there alone.

No. The panic is rising in me and I know that if I let it, it will consume me. Already I feel my hold on reality slipping and it would be so easy to just let it go. I wish that River had never found me. I wish he had just left me where I was safe. I was in a safe place. Nothing touched me. No one hurt me. Why did I trust him? Why did I let him bring me back?

I’m feeling really cold now. I should get up. I feel sick again. Agh. My stomach hurts. It hurts and I can’t... I have to...

Hell... only just made it. I didn’t think there was anything left in there to come up. I’m so dizzy, so tired. Maybe I should just go to sleep. It’s hard and cold here on the floor but I’m so tired and I feel safe here... kind of. I wish I could just stay here and not have to go out there again, not to have to face them, to look into their faces and see the lies in their eyes.

“Silver? Silver this has gone on long enough sweetheart. It’s getting late and you can't stay in there all night. If you don’t open the door I’ll have the boys break down it down.”

“No.” I try to shout it but it comes out as a whisper.

I hear a muttered conversation going on behind the door.

“Silver. I... I need you to help me. I’m scared and I need you. Please Silver. Please come out.”

Jake. I like Jake. I don’t think that Jake lies to me. I don’t think that Jake knows what I am... at least he doesn’t understand. Why are Sam and Hester not keeping him away from me? If I’m dangerous to Ben then I must be dangerous to Jake too... surely I must be.

“Silver... please honey. You’ve got us all scared for you. Come out and you can sleep in Jake’s room tonight if you want to.”

But why? Why are they letting me be with Jake? Why are they...? Unless this is all just a lie to get me out of the bathroom. But why would they do that? What if they want to get me out of the bathroom so they can throw me out of the house? But why would they...?

I am so tired, so tired and I hurt so much. What difference would it make if they did throw me out of the house? What more could anyone do to me? The weariness is coming in waves, like the dizziness and I am sure that if I don’t move now I won’t be able to at all. I think I am about to pass out on the bathroom floor.

Somehow I manage to get to my feet but I double over with the pain in my stomach. I keep remembering... keep remembering the words, the terrible words and when I do the pain twists me like a stick around which my intestines are being wound tightly.

With trembling fingers I open the door. They are all there... Sam, Hester and Jake. They all look worried and I briefly wonder why. I don’t really have time for much more than a brief impression because everything is getting dark and it feels like I am falling, falling, falling. I hope I never stop.

I open my eyes and it’s dark. I’m lying in bed under a warm blanket. I’m still tired but I know I am not going to be able to go back to sleep. For a moment, a brief moment I forget what has happened and I am warm, sleepy and content. And then... and then...

A soft whimper escapes my lips and I am startled when I feel movement behind me. A hand snakes across my stomach and someone nuzzles into my neck. I freeze. I wouldn’t say that I am terrified but I am close. Who the hell is it? Sam? Jake? Either one would be horrific for different reasons. This was no friendly hug, I could feel the evidence of arousal stick into my back.

I am barely breathing and my heart is pounding. The hand slides downwards and toys with me. I am stiff in more ways than one until the voice whispers in my ear.

“It’s alright Silver. Everything is alright now. Relax, I won’t hurt you. I would never hurt you.”

“River.”

“Ssh.”

I try to turn over but he won’t let me. Instead he presses his body closer to me and strokes my belly and groin with light fingers. I moan and lean back into him. I tilt my head backwards and he kisses my neck while he strokes me, bringing me to life under his hand. I am trembling, shivering with anticipation. The pain is gone now, melted away by his lips and hands. It’s going to be alright now. It’s going to be alright.

“Close your eyes.”

I obey and he turns me over onto my back. I feel like a doll, limp and lifeless. I am weak; weak with relief, weak with exhaustion, weak from the sickness that leaves me feeling hollow and light. I am too weak to move, even to open my eyes.

“Ssh.” He says again, stroking the hair from my face and leaning forward to kiss me. His kiss is so gentle, so sweet so... River. I am full of him, his touch, his smell, his voice whispering in my ear, as he kisses my neck and runs his hands over my body. I don’t care that I can’t move. I don’t care that I can’t open my eyes; I don’t want to. I just want to lie here and know that it’s over, that everything is going to be alright now. I want River to show me... and he does.

As he slides down my body I find the strength to tangle my hands in his hair. He’s licking my skin and making me shiver. The muscles in my stomach tighten and it hurts but I don’t care. I don’t care about anything.

I am breathing in short gasps and when he starts licking along my shaft I gasp and arch my back. It’s not something I am doing consciously, it just happens. River is still murmuring to me, mostly moaning my name as he takes me into his mouth, all the way into his mouth.

This was where I usually curl my legs around him, raise myself from the bed and turn over so I’m on top. River likes that. This is where I usually start thinking of all the things I can do to pleasure him. This is where... where... I can’t do a thing. This time I am completely under River’s control. I can’t do a thing about it... and I like it.

I sigh deeply as River begins to work on me and let my hands fall to the bed. I am almost drifting off and it’s an effort to keep my mind on what’s going on in my body. Not that River isn't good, he is: he’s really good but... but...

Mmmm this feels good. I feel like I’m floating, rising above the bed weightless. I’m trembling all over but it’s good, it’s so good...so good... so...

I feel the tension begin to build and I find that I can’t use any of my skills to stop it. I am still limp and the only way that my body is responding is to River. For a moment I struggle because I really don’t want this to end so soon. After everything I have been through I want to be here, like this, with River for a long, long time. But I can’t do anything about it.

River’s tongue flicks over my head, lapping at the pre cum and a deep shudder runs through me. My gasping breath is hurting my chest now and my whole body is on fire. The sensations rippling through my abdomen are taking possession of my mind. I think I might me hallucinating because I think I can hear... I can... I can hear...

Suddenly I’m afraid. At first I am not entirely sure what I’m afraid of but it’s something important, something... I can’t think. Despite the fear and the weakness the orgasm is coming and it’s coming fast. I can’t stop it. I can’t.

In the final moments I find that I can open my eyes and when I do I start to scream and I don’t stop.

Writhing desperately I try to get free, try to get away from the hands that are holding me. I carry on screaming because the grinning face has left my crotch and slid up to hang over my face, holding me down with his legs and arms.

“Hello Silver.”

“No... no...” I scream until my throat is sore. “No... you’re dead... you’re dead.”

Still fighting frantically I begin to realise that what I am feeling doesn’t correspond with what I am seeing. Faith’s grinning face is still hovering over mine but there are too many hands, too many voices.

As I realise this Faith’s face dissolves and I fall into darkness, my mind spinning and my body collapsing back onto the bed. For a moment the darkness is complete, until I open my eyes to find that the face I am looking up into is Sam’s.

“Easy Silver. It’s alright. You’re alright now. You were dreaming. It was just a dream.”

For a moment I stare up into that familiar, concerned face and then reality crashes in on me. It was a dream. It was just a dream. River was never here. It was never him. The fact that, at the end it was Faith who made me cum I didn’t care I wouldn’t have cared if only it had been River before. Now he’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone.

I’m shivering, all tangled up in the sheets but I don’t want to get free because Jake and Hester are here and I don’t want them to see... to see.

“Please Sam. Make them go away.” I whisper.

“Silver...?”

“Please.”

I hear Sam speak but I’m not sure what he says, it’s not important. I close my eyes and felt Sam sit down on the bed next to me, stroking my hair.

“Are you alright?”

I open my eyes and stare up at him. For some reason I nod. I don’t know why because I'm not alright, not by a long way.

“Why did you want Jake and Hester to leave? What’s wrong?”

“I...” I whisper and suddenly it hits me, it all hits me. River is gone... he hates me, he abandoned me. I dreamed of him but it was Faith who made me... made me... I feel dirty, unclean, ashamed. Is this how whores are supposed to feel? If it is I can understand why people hate them... us. I don’t want Sam to touch me, to see me like this, with evidence of my shame soaking into the sheets under me.

“Please Sam. Please go...leave me... please.”

“I’m not going anywhere Silver. I know you’ve had a terrible shock and you are hurting, but I am not going to let you slide back into the darkness again. River isn’t here but I am. He came back Silver. He came back but you were asleep and we couldn’t wake you up. He was sad, so sad. He loves you Silver. He loves you very much. It was the most difficult thing he has ever done, leaving you here. He would never have done it, if he hadn’t been sure that you would be safe, that we would look after you.”

“You... you’re not going to make me leave? Throw me out? You... you don’t hate me?”

Sam flinches and crumples. “Oh my God Silver, what have we done to you? No... No we are not going to make you leave. We are never going to make you leave. Why would you think that? Why are you scared of us? Haven’t we always taken care of you? Don’t you know that we are your friends?”

“I...I don’t...” I don’t know. I used to. I used to know you were my friend Sam but you lied to me. You told me I wasn’t bad, that what happened to me didn’t make me what I am. You told me you were proud of me. You never told me the truth of what I am. You let me believe.

“I can’t blame you after what happened. I don’t suppose you trust anyone right now. It’s been a rough few days for you hasn’t it? You must feel as if you’ve lost everything, as if you have no friends, that everything you know and trust has been torn away from you.”

I nod and he strokes my face gently. “It’s hard to remember sometimes that although you look like a man inside you are still only a boy. We ask too much of you.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I know you don’t and it’s alright, you don’t have to. All I’m asking is for you to believe. I know it’s hard for you, almost impossible but you have to hold on to that belief Silver. You have to believe that River loves you, we are your friends and it’s all going to work out in the end. In the meantime you can stay here with us. You can stay here for as long as you want, no matter what.”

“Promise. Promise you won’t make me leave.”

“Never. Never ever, Silver. I promise.”

I start to shake and huge sobs are bubbling out of me. I can’t stop them. I can’t do anything but it feels so good when Sam takes me into his arms. He is so big and strong and I believe him. I truly do. I believe him that everything is going to be alright. I forget about the dream, I forget about the damp spot on the sheets, I forget my fear and pain for a moment and I feel... safe. I feel so safe that when the weeping ends, sleep, sweet gentle sleep with no dreams, seeps into me and I float away.