Enigma II. Fighting the Man - 17. Chapter 17 - Hard Choices and Wrong Decisions

RIVER’S VOICE

I love Sam dearly, truly I do, but I have never come so close to hitting him as I have these last three days. Every time I speak to him he has a go at me, puts pressure on me to take Ben to him and bring Silver home. As if that’s not what I want. As if I don’t miss him. As if I don’t cry myself to sleep every night when Ben is asleep.

I know he’s suffering. I know he’s hurting. But so am I. I don’t think Sam has the first idea what I’m going through. I would be so easy to give in, to say ‘to hell with it’ and hand Ben over... but I can’t. I have missed out on the last three years of his life. I have missed him and he has missed me. He is a little boy who has just lost his parents and who is clinging to me like his life raft in very stormy seas. He needs me... and I need him.

The social worker has already been twice and each time she has driven Ben even further into his shell. He is a different boy since the case conference. He has become withdrawn and quiet, all his enthusiasm and exuberance crushed. He wants to stay in his room all the time, playing his games alone. Sometimes when I have peered around the door to check on him he is sitting on his bed staring at the mural on the wall and crying softly. Sometimes he is even tracing it with his fingers over and over.

I don’t know what to do, what to say to him. After the first day we haven’t mentioned Silver at all. I know it hurts him as much as it hurts me, when we go to Sam’s and Silver won’t talk to us. God knows I have tried but he won’t let me in, not at all. I know he’s hurting, he has to be but why won’t he just talk to me? Why is he hurting me... us like this? If he won’t talk to me why won’t he at least talk to Ben when he sobs outside his door, pleading, sobbing that it’s all his fault and he’s sorry.

I can’t take him there any more. It upsets him too much and that upsets me. I know that Sam is angry with me and I don’t blame him. It’s a big responsibility I have put on his shoulders and one that should be mine. Silver is not his problem and it isn’t fair that they have ended up looking after him. It isn’t fair to any of them, I know that but what else can I do?

Ben has been a handful. When he isn’t sulking in his room he is getting more and more challenging. He seems to take offence at everything I say, jump down my throat every time I open my mouth. There has been more slamming of doors the last couple of days than I have ever known before.

My neighbours have started to ask questions and what can I say. I just shrug and say ‘kids’ and they seem to understand.

Mrs Partridge cornered me yesterday. We had been out shopping and had argued over something stupid. As soon as we stopped, Ben stormed out of the car and, using the key we’d had cut on the trip, opened the door and then slammed it behind him. I got out of the car and started taking bags out of the boot. I almost dropped them when a voice spoke out of nowhere.

“He’s a feisty one isn’t he?”

“What... Oh Mrs Partridge you startled me.”

“Is he a visitor, the little one?”

“No. He’s my brother. He’s living here now.”

“He’s such a sweet little thing. I thought he must have been related. He looks like you... it’s the hair.”

“The... the hair?”

“You both have that wonderful red hair.”

“I don’t have red hair.”

“When the sun catches it you do. Of course your brother’s is lighter, more coppery.” She looked thoughtful then smiled. “How are they getting on together... Ben and your... friend?”

“Friend? Oh... Silver. He’s not my friend he’s... he... he’s not here just now.”

“I thought I hadn’t heard him singing for a while. I always love to sit in my garden and listen to him in the mornings.”

I couldn’t help but smile at that. Silver is always singing. He sings in the shower, when he’s washing the dishes, when he’s working in the garden... whenever he has the chance. It’s very unselfconscious... just something he does.

“He does sing a lot doesn’t he?”

“I miss it.” She says simply nodding her head. Then she peers at my, her beady eyes sharp. “So where is he then? When is he coming back?”

“He’s staying with my friend Sam. I don’t know when he’s coming back.”

“Is Sam that big black man who keeps coming back and fore?”

“Um... er... yes... I guess. That’s Sam.”

“You haven’t quarrelled have you?”

“With Sam? No.”

“No, no... not with Sam, with your man. Not had a lover’s tiff?” She cackled and if only she had known how much her words hurt.

“No, not at all. We haven’t quarrelled it’s just... he’s giving Ben some space, time to get settled in.”

“Seems to me that he’s made himself quite at home.” She smiled and nodded again and I couldn’t wait to get rid of her. Smiling in what I hoped was a polite and not desperate manner I gathered up my bags and mumbling excused fled. Of course I dropped half of the bags trying to get the door open but I was never so glad to shut the front door in all my life.

This morning Ben is stomping around in his room and I am sitting in the kitchen staring morosely at my coffee. I have been staring at it for long enough that it is now only lukewarm. I’m not thinking of anything in particular but I am lonely, so bloody lonely.

The knock at the door, startles the hell out of me. I sigh hugely and drag myself to my feet. Just what we want, another visit from the social worker to make Ben even angrier. Great.

I drag myself to the door with heavy feet and have barely opened it when a bundle of energy throws themselves into my arms.

“River, you are such a bad boy. You promised you would call and visit me and I haven’t heard from you for ages. I’m on holiday now and I figured I would go visit all my old friends. You and Silver are number one on my list being my two favourite people in the whole world. Where is he?” She lets me go and then stands there, hands on hips, grinning at the stunned expression on my face.

“Julia.” Suddenly I am smiling, really smiling for the first time in ages. I don’t know why but it feels as if suddenly a huge weight has been removed from my shoulders. I grab her and hug her. She is so small it’s like hugging a child but she is anything but.

“Well... are you going to invite me in? And where is that gorgeous man of yours? I have been looking forward to a kiss for ever so long.”

Despite feeling like the earth under my feet is turning to jelly I have to smile and I stand back to let her bounce into the house.

Hearing voices Ben comes stomping down the stairs and is startled when Julia gives a squeal of delight and from a running start takes him into a hug and swings him around. This is some feat as Ben is already bigger and stockier than her.

“You must be Ben. I’ve heard all about you on the grapevine. Good grief boy you’re the image of your brother... except much better looking of course. I LOVE your hair.” She runs her hands through it while Ben stands like a stunned rabbit and gives me a panic stricken look over her head. “I would DIE to have hair that colour. I bet it’s gorgeous when the sun shines on it. It’s not so dark as River’s and his is just beautiful in the sun. It goes all red and shiny.” She pushes him away and peers into his face. “You’re not getting out enough, you look pale and you’re not sleeping. Aren’t these two monsters taking good care of you?”

“I... er... what... who are you?” Ben stammers lost for words for once.

“I’m Julia.” She announces as if it’s self evident. “Now where IS that boy? I am so overdue for a kiss.”

“He’s not here Julia.” I say quietly and there must be something in my voice that alerts her that there is something big going on.

“Right you.” She commands. “Get in that kitchen and make coffee. You remember how I like it. I am just going to have a chat to this handsome young man here and I’ll be out. Some of those famous bacon sandwiches would be nice too.”

That’s one of the best things about Julia. She may be small but the force of her personality ensures that when she hands out her orders most people find themselves obeying before they even realise they are doing it and then carry on so they won’t either look stupid or be subjected to one of her ‘stares’.

And so I find myself in the kitchen frying bacon when the door opens and Julia walks in. I know something was up straight away because she rarely walks, usually she bounces.

“What’s been going on here, River?” She asks in an uncharacteristically serious voice. “That poor boy’s in a mess. “He says that Silver had to move out because of him and now you hate him because you and Silver can’t be together.”

“What?!” I drop the pan and am half way across the room before Julia stops me.

“Sit down River. I’ll finish the bacon.”

“But I have to... I have to go to Ben.”

“Ben’s fine. We’ve had a little talk and I’ll go up and speak to him again before we go.”

“But I... I need to...”

“No. What you need to do is sit down and talk and then listen. Ben is absolutely fine and talking to you is the last thing he wants or needs at the moment. Now talk boy, while I’m finishing up the bacon, tell me what the hell has been going on.”

It has always been easy to talk to Julia and I find myself pouring everything out to her. From my frustrations with Silver, to the death of my parents, the social worker’s visits and the events since the case conference.

By the time I finish talking, the toast has congealed untouched on the plate, and I am in the process of dissolving. The tears have been flowing for the past ten minutes but I haven’t even noticed them. I haven’t noticed Julia coming round to put her arms around me either but she must have because here she is.

“Oh you poor, poor boy.” She croons, smoothing my hair in a motherly fashion with her tiny hands. “You’ve been having such a rough time... and all alone. It must have been so hard for you, losing your parents like that and suddenly being the parent to a little person. How has he been? Ben?”

“Okay. In the beginning it was wonderful. He and Silver got on so well and we were settling down like a real little family. Until my aunt and uncle brought down the wrath of Social Services on our heads. He and Silver were best friends within a few days and Sam’s son Jake was the third musketeer. They spent a lot of time together and became firm friends. Even though Jake is a bit older he’s like a big brother to Ben but...

I rub my eyes and shake my head. “I don’t know Julia, since all this happened Ben seems to have got so... angry. I know that it’s hard for him not having Silver around. They were so close and Silver is so... he’s so childlike he and Ben had a real friendship going on. I don’t know... sometimes I think Ben blames me for Silver not being around any more.”

“Of course he does.” She said with no accusation in her voice. “Don’t you go visit?”

“Of course we do... and least we did. Sam keeps telling me how much Silver misses me, how much he needs me but whenever we go there he locks himself in his room and we won’t talk to me. The worst thing is that he won’t talk to Ben either. We went there on the first day to take some of Silver’s things and he had crashed completely. Ben was scared to death when we couldn’t wake him up, even when I told him it was okay.

“We went back the next day and Silver just wouldn’t open the door. He wouldn’t speak to me and he wouldn’t speak to Ben. Ben sat by the door pleading and sobbing until Jake came and took him into his room. Before we left we tried again and Ben was in a terrible state. Since then he refuses to go and he’s angry all the time.

“Sam nags me on the phone every day to go over. He says that Silver is in a bad way, won’t eat, won’t sleep, is desperate to see me... so why won’t he speak to me when I go there... and why was he so cruel to Ben. I don’t know Julia but if he’s going to be like this I don’t want to see him until he starts... “

“Starts what hun? Behaving himself?”

I give her a long look and then shake my head. “Am I expecting too much of him? He’s still so very much a child himself but... I can’t let him hurt Ben Julia. Ben’s my responsibility. I have to think of him first. I have to take care of him first. I can’t let Silver...”

“Ruin it?”

“Julia... it’s not like that. It’s not that... I’m not...”

“Hun... I know how hard it must have been for you. You must be mourning your parents too you poor thing. And you’ve had all the worry of sorting out their business, warding off those terrible people, coping with the social workers and trying to do your best for Ben. It must have been so hard for you but...”

She touches my face and makes me look at her. “I would never, ever have thought, never have imagined River that even in the middle of all that you would have forgotten Silver.”

“Forgotten? I haven’t forgotten him I...”

“You know what I mean River. You really do know what I mean.”

“I... I don’t know what to do.”

“Well... I’ll tell you exactly what you are going to do. You are going to ring Sam and tell him that we’ll be there in half an hour. Then you are going to have a shower and put on some nice clothes. I am going to talk to Ben for a bit while you are doing that and then we are all going to talk to Silver.”

“But I can’t...”

“No hun, you can’t. But I can. Now hurry up, I haven’t got all day.”

She disappears up the stairs leaving me stunned. I sit staring at the wall for what must be at least five minutes and then, still in a daze I fish out my phone.

“River... I was about to phone you.” Sam’s voice sounds strained and almost hostile. I had had such good intentions when I picked up the phone, Julia’s influence I suppose but that tone in his voice sets me at odds again.

“Well you’re lucky then aren’t you? I’ve saved you the cost of a call.”

Sam sighs. “River, when are you going to stop fighting us? We’re you’re friends and we’re only trying to help.”

“Well you’re not helping. I have enough pressure with trying to do my best for Ben, which believe me is an uphill battle right now, to handle social services and to work my way through a minefield with my parents affairs I could really do without the constant guilt trip from you.”

“Is that how you see it?” Sam asks quietly. “Do you really think I am calling to make you feel guilty?”

He sounds so sad that I can't stay angry. “That’s what it feels like.” I mutter feeling like a petulant child.

“River... I don’t know what to say to you. I don’t know what else I can do to make you see the effect of what you’re doing.”

“I know what I’m doing.”

“No you don’t River, you don’t. You have shut yourself off in that little cocoon with Ben and closed your eyes to everything that is going on outside it. I can’t believe how you’ve abandoned Silver like this after everything...”

How dare he! How DARE he... “I have not abandoned him. I would never abandon him. It wasn’t me who wanted him to leave. It wasn’t through choice and I know I made a huge mistake but I have tried to put it right and he won’t let me. I have tried to talk to him and so has Ben. I am not going to put him through that any more Sam. You should have seen how upset he was, how angry after what Silver did to him.

“If he’s prepared to talk then I’ll come over and talk but I am not going to spend my time pleading with a locked door. It’s pointless.”

“River... sometimes I don’t believe you, I really don’t. Has everything you’ve been through, really changed you this much? Have you forgotten everything that’s happened between you and Silver? Have you forgotten how much he means to you?”

“No Sam” I say quietly. “I haven’t forgotten anything.”

“I think you have River. You talk about how upset Ben was when Silver wouldn’t talk to him. You say that you will come over when Silver is prepared to talk to you and most of all you say that Ben was upset after what Silver did to him. You have no idea River, none at all... because you’re not here. You’re not the one who has to see him every day, to try and comfort him, to take care of him. You can say those things because in your cosy little world they are true. You’re not here to pick up the pieces, to count the cost. You just left him here...”

“I left him here because you said that you were okay with that. You said that you were our friends and he could stay there as long as he wanted. I told you how hard it is to cope with him every day. I told you it’s not easy being with Silver 24/7. If you can’t handle...”

“RIVER.” Sam roars, in a voice I never thought to hear him use with me. I stop speaking, completely shocked. “Listen to me.” He continues in a more normal tone. “Listen to me and don’t leap to conclusions or make judgements until you know the facts. I know you don’t want to hear them but it’s time someone stuffed them down your throat.

“First let’s make one thing clear. I have absolutely no problem with Silver staying here for as long as he wants. I have no problem with ‘taking care’ of him because I love him, we all do. He’s like my own son. And it’s because of my son, because of what happened to him that I am risking my friendship with you right now.

“Don’t do the same thing I did River. Don’t push Silver away because you think he can deal with it, because you think it’s for the best... because it isn’t. I am not trying to make you feel guilty, I am trying to get you to see what you’re doing to him. You are not here. You are not seeing what he’s going through.

“He isn’t refusing to speak to you River, he can’t. He can’t speak to any of us. It’s all we can do to get him to eat and he has nightmares every night. I’ve put up a camp bed in his room and Jake and I take turns to sleep in there to comfort him when he wakes up screaming...your name... or Faith’s.

“He’s so shut down, he can barely communicate and he doesn’t leave his room now, except to go to the bathroom. He doesn’t speak, doesn’t look directly at any of us and mostly just lies on the bed, staring at the wall crying. When one of us tries to comfort him he rarely even acknowledges we’re there. I don’t think he even knows we’re there.

“Hester is at her wits end and I’m getting there. The nurse came today and he did speak to her... a little. She wants to talk to you because to give her, her due I think she’s as worried about him as we are.”

“Oh great. Just what I need. She’s going to give a bad report at the next conference.”

“Is that all you can think about? The conference? Have you taken in one thing I’ve said to you?”

“Of course I have, and it’s tearing my heart out. Do you really think that I don’t want to come down there and bring him home with me? But how can I look him in the eyes and tell him I love him, then leave him again? He won’t understand that any more than he understands what’s going on now and it will only make it worse for him, to have to say goodbye again.”

“Trust me River, nothing is going to make it worse for him. It can’t get any worse for him. I can’t be any more explicit River. Silver’s heartbroken, and that phrase is used far too casually in the light of what we have been experiencing here over the last few days. He’s shut himself off from everyone and is literally slipping away from us.

“He’s having seizures again that wipe him out for hours and then he gets sick and collapses on the bathroom floor. He’s dying inside and if we’re not careful he’s going to die on the outside too. He doesn’t want to live any more, not without you.”

I am alarmed by what he is saying, more than alarmed. To be honest I am scared to death, not only because of what Sam is saying about Silver but because I have no idea what I can do about it.

“I... why didn’t you tell me?”

“I have tried to tell you River. I have tried to warn you without being so blunt but I’m at my wits end. You know that we don’t mind looking after Silver but we can’t do anything more for him. He doesn’t want us... he wants you.”

“I...” I take a deep breath and square my shoulders. “I was ringing to say that we’re coming over. Julia is here and she all but ordered me to.”

“Good for her. I always did like that girl. I was wondering when we would get to see her again. Seems like she’s a guardian angel this time. No idea whose and I don’t care. Just get here as fast as you can.”

As soon as I put the phone down the terror hits like a brick and suddenly there is no time. I have to be there and I have to be there now.

I call up the stairs and they both come hurrying down with anxious expressions.

“We have to go to Sam’s. We have to go now.”

“Why? What’s happened?”

“It’s Silver. He needs me.”

“What happened?” Ben echoed as he grabs his jacket and follows us out of the door.

“He’s got so upset he’s making himself ill. I’ve been a complete idiot for letting this happen. I know what he’s like.”

“I’m sorry River.” Ben says quietly. “It’s my fault. It’s all my fault. If it hadn’t been for me Silver wouldn’t have had to leave.”

“Don’t you dare say that Ben. None of this is your fault, none of it. If it’s anyone’s fault at all it’s Aunt Sophy and Uncle Ray. They’re the ones who started all this. You have done nothing, not one thing that was wrong or bad or that made this happen. Don’t you dare blame yourself.”

“I can’t help it. I knew that something bad was going to happen. That day when Silver was crying in the bathroom I knew that something horrible was going to happen to him. Jake said that he would be alright, that lots of people get upset and cry when things like that happen... but they don’t cry like that River... I have never heard anyone cry like that.”

“I’m sorry you had to hear that Ben. But it changes nothing. Whatever happens to Silver, and I am damned sure that I am never going to let it be anything bad, but whatever happens it is not your fault.”

“I...”

“He’s right sweetie.” Julia says gently and put her arms around him. “You are such a darling sweet boy, how could anything bad possibly be your fault.”

“But everything was alright before I came. River and Silver were happy. And in the beginning I was happy too. Silver is awesome. He painted a picture on my wall and showed me how to paint. He played computer games with me and Jake and he can do wicked things like standing on one hand and doing cartwheels. He was going to show me how. And now he’s sad... he’s really sad and hurting and it is because of me... it is.”

Julia tightens her arms around him as he dissolves into tears and my heart is torn in two again. I have such a terrible feeling of foreboding, that before this is over I am going to lose one of them.