Enigma II. Fighting the Man - 21. Chapter 21 - Regrets

RIVER

“Sam... Sam he’s gone. He’s gone Sam. I... I think I drove him away. Please Sam... please... You have to help me. I have to find him.”

Sam puts his hand on my shoulder, his beautiful big strong hand that has always been such a steadying influence in my wilder moments.

“Steady on now. Calm down. What’s happened?”

“Silver... Silver he... he’s run away. I tried to find him. I looked everywhere but he can run so fast. By the time I got to the gate I didn’t even know which direction he ran in. I’ve looked all around the streets but I can’t find him.”

“But why would he run away?”

Why indeed? I can’t keep looking Sam in the eye. It’s my fault after all. What a stupid fool. What a stupid fucking fool. What the hell was I thinking? What the hell have I done?

“Because of me.”

“You? What did you do?”

“It’s not so much what I did... it’s what I said.”

“So... what did you say? What have you let your big mouth get you into now?”

How can I tell him? I am so ashamed, so very ashamed. How could I possibly have been so stupid, so cruel? “I told him he was selfish. I told him he was like a child and always had to have everything his way. I said that... that I was fed up of having to take care of him all the time and I wished he was normal, like everyone else.”

“Why the hell did you say that?”

The tone in his voice is so incredulous that it makes me feel angry. It wasn’t all my fault after all. “He just wouldn’t understand. He kept saying ‘don’t go’. I tried to tell him that it wasn’t my fault, that there was nothing I could do. I told him that it was Social Services... they were the ones who said that Ben shouldn’t be with him and that Ben is vulnerable and I have to protect him.”

“Protect him from what?” Sam says softly.

“From... from...”

“From Silver?”

“No, of course not. That’s what he said and I’m sick of him twisting everything to make it all my fault and... and... Oh shit. Oh shit Sam, what have I done?”

I look up and I feel sick to my stomach, at the way Sam is looking at me. I don’t need him to say a single word because I know. I know exactly what I’ve done and it makes me feel physically sick.

“How could I have done that? How could I have said those things to him? Oh Sam... Sam... what am I going to do?”

“You are going to wait right here while I go and get Hester and the car keys. She’s been staying sober to watch the kids so she’ll be able to drive. Jake is perfectly capable of watching Ben for a while. I’ll make sure that Ruth and Joe stick around with him until we get back.”

Something occurs to me and it strikes through me like a spear. “Sam... he was drinking. He was drunk. That’s what started it all. I got so angry when I saw him drinking alcohol. He should have known. He’s not supposed to drink.”

“Who says he’s not ‘supposed’ to?”

“It interferes with his seizure medication. It could make him... he could...”

“Does he know that?”

“I... I don’t... I haven’t...” The truth is that he probably doesn’t. I know it because of the discussions I’ve had with the doctors but it has always tended to be me they’ve talked to. I can’t remember if I have had that conversation with Silver at all, and even if I have he probably wouldn’t have listened and understood. Why would I have talked to him about not drinking when he doesn’t... didn’t drink I remember the look in his eyes when I took the drink away from him. He had no idea why I was doing it.

“But he should know... he should know that I wouldn’t tell him not to do something if it wasn’t important.”

“He used to know that he was safe with you River, that you would never hurt him or leave him.”

“What?” Okay... anger kicking in again. Is everyone against me tonight? Does no one understand?

“River... I know what you’ve been going through. I know it hasn’t been easy and I know that it wasn’t your fault. I know. But Silver isn’t me. Silver isn’t anything like me. Silver has never had a relationship, not a proper one. He has no concept of human relationships other than what he has seen or read about. He has no experience. You have been encouraging him to open up, to express himself, to allow himself to feel... and then you shut him down.

“I am not suggesting that it was your fault. I understand that you had to take care of Ben and that, for the time being that means not having Silver there with you but... River you can’t expect him to understand. You can’t expect him to do anything that you would expect someone else, someone... normal as you said it... to do. And as much as you might sometimes wish that Silver was like everyone else... he isn’t. You knew that from the start. You have always loved him for what he is and not what you might want him to be. And now you don’t.”

“But I do. Of course I do. Why would you say that?”

“I’m not saying that River. But I can bet you a bucketful of cash that’s what Silver is thinking.”

I sit down. I don’t mean to but I can’t keep my legs under me. What have I done? What have I done?

“But I... but I never meant... I never meant it to be like that. I... I didn’t think...”

“River you haven’t been thinking. I don’t believe you have been thinking since the day you met Silver. You threw everything you had into him, your relationship with him. You gave him all of yourself. That’s all he’s ever seen, ever known. Before you there was only ‘The Master’. He’s been taught to absolutely devote himself to one person and that’s what he’s been doing with you. You became his Master River.”

“No. No I... I didn’t want...” I can hardly breathe. Now that I think about it, it makes perfect sense. I hadn’t given it a moment’s thought, but it’s all so clear now. All those times when Silver begged me to let him please me. All the times he did something, just because I asked him to. The way he looked at me. The way he didn’t want to be with anyone else, not even Sam... unless I asked him to. That time in the museum, when he kept looking at me for assurance, for confirmation... and all I gave him was spiteful jealousy.

And then when he came home with me. When he suffered that abuse in silence, as if it was what he was expecting, what he was used to, what he thought he deserved. And when he came to the Social Services offices with me and sat there the whole time scared out of his wits. He did all that for me, just for me...and I walked away without a backward glance... and I called him selfish.

“Sam.” I whispered. “Sam I... I...”

“It’s alright River. We’ll find him. And you’ll find a way to make it right. I know you will. Silver and you... you were meant to be together. I have never seen a love so deep, so real. We’ll find him and when we do it will be alright.”

“I don’t know Sam. You didn’t see his face when he ran. I was so angry. It was all coming out... all the stress, the not knowing what was going to happen to Ben. Ben’s so scared and hurting so much. He’s only a kid; he doesn’t understand and with the social workers coming back and fore and asking him those... questions. He doesn’t know how to deal with it... and neither do I. I want Silver so much... I NEED him.

“I was a beast to him Sam. Ben was so upset today and... and I wanted... but Sam... oh Sam the worst thing... the worst thing of all is that... that Ben told the social worker that he wants to stay here, with you. He doesn’t want to see Silver cry any more so I was... I was going to take him home tonight.”

“Then why in God’s name didn’t you tell him?”

“I was going to. I went looking for him. I was going to tell him when I found him. I thought I saw him a couple of times but I kept getting sidetracked. I waited ages for a drink and they the boys dragged me into the dining room and I got some food when I was in there. I thought I had all the time in the world. I thought I was going to be taking him home tonight. I was enjoying the sense of anticipation. I really thought...”

“Why didn’t you tell him when you found him?”

“Because when I found him he was drunk. I could see it straight away. He had a drink in his hand and it was clearly not the first one. I... You’re right, I haven’t told him he’s not supposed to drink because he has never showed the slightest interest in drinking. I didn’t think for a minute... and then when I saw him and... and when he looked at me and I could see how drunk he was...I was so scared for him, so angry. I don’t even know what I was angry about now. Him, me, Social Services, everything. But he was the only one there. He was the only one I could hit out at... and I did. I should never have done that Sam. I should never have hurt him like that... but I did. I did hurt him and... and I... I don’t know if he will get over it... if I will. I don’t think he’ll ever forgive me.”

“Of course he will forgive you. He loves you. Silver is the most forgiving soul on earth. He adores you River and I don’t think you realise how hard these last few days have been for him. No matter what he said to you he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t even come close to understanding. He feels rejected, worthless.

“He watched a film with Jake the other night, up in his room. Of us all Jake is the only one he has talked to, actually seemed to enjoy being with... but I could have throttled the little bastard that night. I don’t know what film they were watching and afterwards Jake was pretty vague but when I looked in on them Silver looked awful. He was asking Jake about whores and why people hate them... why they think they deserve to die?”

“What?” My blood runs cold. I can’t make out whether my heart is about to stop or break out of my chest. “I was wondering where he’d got that word from?”

“Presumably from the film.”

“What did Jake say to him?”

“I don’t know because at that point I intervened and separated them. Jake was very vague about what he told him but he said that they had been talking about it for quite a while and Silver seemed upset although he couldn’t’ understand why.”

“I wondered.... Yesterday when I was talking to him he said something about being a whore. I... I didn’t take it seriously, I pushed it aside, told him that he shouldn’t think like that. If I had known maybe I would have... Did you talk to Silver about it?”

“I tried but you know how closed down he can get. Whatever happened, it hurt him. He didn’t say much but what he did say worried me. He said that he understood now why you get angry with him when he tries to be what he was. He said that he thought being a whore was a bad thing and that was why you got angry with him sometimes. He said he hadn’t realised what a bad person he was, how... worthless, how much he didn’t deserve you.”

“Oh fuck... Sam... Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t have a chance. It was after you got here. He was really upset because he thought you were avoiding him, that you were doing it because you hated him. I think he must have noticed when you saw him and thought you deliberately turned away from him.”

“Oh God.” I take my head in my hands. It is pounding. My emotions are swirling inside me and they are a complete mess. He must have lain awake all night, thinking those terrible things about himself. I’d thought when I first saw him that he looked tired and not ‘right’. I thought he was trying to make me feel guilty. If only I had known. If only... I groan. I can’t help it. I can’t keep it all inside. What must Silver have thought? What had he felt when I said those terrible things to him.

“Oh God, what have I done? Why didn’t I tell him... why didn’t I just say that I was going to take him home? Why didn’t I go straight to him and not let myself get diverted? Why didn’t I take him into my arms and tell him that everything was going to be alright? I was angry Sam, angry and scared and I... part of me wanted to hurt him. I never meant... I didn’t know...”

“Of course you didn’t know River.”

“What did you say to him? When he said those things to you... what did you say?”

“I tried to tell him that it wasn’t true and even if it had been he wasn’t a whore, he never had been. I tried to explain that it was a bad word used by bad and ignorant people but he wasn’t having it. He looked at me as if he didn’t believe a word I said. And then he turned and walked away, straight to the bar.”

“He’s never drunk alcohol before, at least not whilst I have known him. It’s not just because I have told him not to... he’s never wanted to. I assume that it was just another thing that he wasn't ‘allowed’ to do. He must have been in a bad way to do that.”

I imagined Silver believing that I hated him, that I was ashamed of him, that people were thinking of him as the character that was portrayed in that film, as dirty, shameful, less than human. I thought about him taking his first sip of alcohol and then another and another. I realised that he must have got overwhelmed at some point, unable to cope with the people, and that he had gone out into the garden for some peace.

He could have gone upstairs of course but he had no guarantee I would have followed, and despite everything he didn’t want to leave me. At the point I walked in on him he must have been in so much pain. He thought he was worthless, nothing, and I pretty much told him he was right.

“I’m scared Sam. I’m really scared that he’s done something bad.”

“I’m worried too River. I don’t think that Silver would try to kill himself, he’s just not that type. But he’s out there alone, drunk and scared. Who knows where he will run, who he will run into. He’s so innocent and trusting, and considering his past...”

“Thanks Sam. I hadn’t even thought of that.”

Suddenly the darkness is sinister. There are dangers in every shadow. They are waiting for Silver and he has nothing to fight them with.

“We have to find him Sam. We just have to.