A Cold Rain - 1. Chapter 1

A Cold Rain

Rain. I couldn't remember rain like this in years. Doing lunges with a hundred pounds of wood on my shoulders when the ground was a slushy mud pushed me to my limits. Probably why my father sent me out tonight. 'Punishment that is easy is no punishment,' he told me my first day of training. This time, I didn't care the punishment was hard; I deserved it.

All I had to do was protect our guest, Prince Stefren of Gillium, while he visited the school. I failed. Only luck and the will of the Twins prevented Stefren from capture or death. That I nearly died saving him didn't matter; there wouldn't have been a need to rescue him if I'd done my job.

If it were possible, it felt like it started raining harder. There wasn't a single part of me that was dry, and I still had hours to go. Not only was it pouring, it was a cold rain, the kind that saps your energy if you're out in it too long. Hopefully I the strength to make it all night.

Letting the six-foot log fall from my back, I pushed aside any thought of failure. Not again. I would complete my punishment.

Despite the futility of it, I wiped the water from my face and pushed a stray lock of brown hair back behind my ear. How could I have let Father down like this? Just two weeks ago, I celebrated my eighteenth year by receiving my green Haske; I was now a First Order Dlgen, a Warrior Lord, touched by the Twins. Father's smile was so wide; I thought his face might split.

Then he showed up. Arrogant, pompous, full of himself; all the things Father taught me to avoid. My first task as a Dlgen was to guard the Prince. It was as simple as it was easy. Inside the walled compound of the school, Stefren wouldn't need protecting. Little did I know guarding the Prince meant keeping him inside the walls.

What struck me most was my father's demeanor. Normally, punishment had anger as a companion; specifically his anger toward me. As Fenzu, head of the academy, he should have been furious and expelled me; or worse. Banishment would have hurt less than disappointing Father. Fortunately, I saved Stefren, or Fenzu might have sent me away.

The image of Stefren dead or bound seized my heart. Foolish, stupid, childish. Why did I keep thinking of him? I was such a fool. What would a prince of Gillium see in me? Despite being the son of Telg, the only living Dlgen of the Fifth Order, I was still the same peasant boy I'd been before Father adopted me. Even my status as Dlgen didn't make me worthy of Stefren's attention.

Maybe the punishment would finally free me of those unwanted thoughts. Focusing on the exercises, I could let my mind go blank. All that mattered was the form and the movements. Don't slip, don't falter, don't give up.

Stepping between a pair of seven-foot poles, set arms length apart, I groaned. This was the hardest exercise of the set. Leaping, I placed a hand on top of each pole and held myself steady. Iron Cross it's called. More like Fenzu's torture. Two minutes like this, followed by ten minutes in a plank position. Then I could rest before starting over again.

Water ran through my clothes and down each leg in small streams as I struggled to keep my body still. I heard the water spatter, pooling below my feet. At least Stefren was warm and dry. I wondered if he thought about me. Did he even notice I was missing?

"Stop thinking about him." There was no one to hear it, but it felt good to say.

"Who are you talking to?" Stefren's voice, barely audible over the sheets of rain, almost sent me flailing to the ground. Thankfully, it was dark, or he'd have seen me turn red.

I wanted to turn left, to see his expression, but I had a minute remaining and my arms were already tiring. Why would he leave the house on a night like this? "What are you doing out here?"

"Looking for you." Almost shouting, his voice was angry.

Fine time to decide to stick close. If he hadn't run off, I wouldn't be in trouble. "Why? Did you come to gloat?"

"Gloat?" Now he was shouting. "What does that mean?"

I rolled my eyes, the only movement I could make without adding to my struggle. "I'm here because of you." No, it wasn't his fault I failed. The blame was all mine, but it still annoyed me he came to find me. "Did you come to watch me do my punishment?"

My arms started to shake, and I gritted my teeth. He wouldn't see me fall.

"Punishment? What does that have to do with me?" I almost believed the indignation in his tone.

Waiting until my time was up, I dropped from my perch. Despite my fatigue, I landed with almost no sound; I was still a Dlgen.

"You ran off without me." I slicked my hair back from my face. "My job was to guard and protect you all the time, not just when you tolerate my presence. Fenzu is punishing me for my failure."

"Tolerate?" Rivulets of water ran down his face, begging me to brush them aside. "You think I tolerate you?"

"No Stefren, I know you don't." It hurt to admit it out loud. Why did I have these ridiculous desires around him? I was nothing to him; a nobody. Inches apart, I was sure he could see the disappointment in my face. "But I was supposed to keep you safe. You were almost captured, or worse, because I let you slip away without noticing."

I needed to stop staring at him or I'd further embarrass myself. Dropping to the mud, I assumed a plank position. Arms stiff, legs and back straight, the routine called for ten minutes without moving. If the rain hadn't been so cold, it would have been easy.

"Harlin." He squatted, trying to get closer to my head. "What are you doing?"

"Fenzu ordered me to do the Dlgen conditioning routine from dusk until dawn tonight, and every night, until he tells me to stop. This is the last exercise of the set." All I wanted was for him to leave. It was humiliating enough to be punished for my failure, but for him to stand over me, watching as I carried it out, was shameful.

"All night? Has Telg lost his mind? That's a death sentence."

I kept my eyes down. "Then I'll die." Fenzu ordered it. What else was there to say?

"This is wrong." He stood up, but I could feel his eyes on me. What was wrong? The position was perfect and my body completely rigid. "I'm going to find your father and tell him to end this foolishness."

"No!" I leapt up before he could leave. Breaking the routine would earn me more punishment, but I couldn't let him dishonor me further. "Stay out of this, please. I know you hate me, but at least leave me what's left of my dignity."

"Hate you?" In the rain, I could barely hear him.

A nervous laugh ripped from my throat. The last thing I wanted was to antagonize him, but it came out before I could stop it. "What, did you think I didn't notice that you think I'm a stupid peasant? One who rode his adoptive father's wake to a position of respect? I see how you can't stand to look at me, how you turn your head the moment I come into view. I know how much you despise being forced to stay in my room and share the same bed."

My stomach tightened even as my pulse hastened. Here was his chance to get back at me. "But, please don't do this. I'll do anything you ask; sleep outside, walk far enough away that people won't see me, anything. Just don't ask my father to end my punishment."

"What are you talking about?" Water sprayed from his lips as he spoke. "You just got better. This will kill you."

"Then it's what I deserve for my failure." How could he not see that? "Why do you even care? You'll be rid of me if I die. Go back inside and forget about me. If I survive, you won't know I'm around ever again."

I stared into his eyes, hoping, praying to the Twins, he'd listen. There was something there I didn't understand. Almost like he was sad.

"If it means that much to you, I won't talk to your father." He nodded twice, and took one step back. "But I'm staying out here until you're done."

"Why?" Why couldn't he leave so I could be alone with my shame? Sure, the other students knew, but they weren't standing around watching. "Stefren, I know you loathe me, and I'm sorry you're stuck with me as a guard, but please leave me alone. Fenzu's disappointment hurts enough, don't add to it. Please, go inside."

"Not until you explain why you want to get rid of me." He stood in front of me, forcing me to move to the side to resume my position. Fenzu would know I didn't complete the exercises properly, but it would be worse if I stopped completely.

"If you want to get soaked, that's your choice." My hands landed in a puddle of water, covering them almost to the wrist. They would be numb before I finished the full ten minutes.

"What's wrong with you?" He took two steps toward the house then spun around. "I didn't sit at your bedside for three days, making sure you didn't die from your wounds, only to watch you kill yourself."

"There's nothing wrong with me." My teeth started to chatter and I couldn't stop it. "Fenzu ordered me to do this. There is nothing to do, but obey. If he asked me to stop an arrow with my chest, I would."

"How can you say that?" He sounded like I said the Twins weren't real. "If he ordered you to kill yourself, you'd toss your life away, just like that?"

"Yes." I heard the conviction in my voice because I meant it. "You wouldn't understand."

"Then make me understand!" Again he squatted down, trying to get me to look at his face. "You’re talking nonsense."

"He is Fenzu, that's enough. But he also saved my life. The boys in my village were beating me because they learned I was veshe. Telg arrived during the attack and stopped them. He has called me 'son' since that day. Whatever he asks, I do without question."

"Harlin, that's crazy. You don't owe him your life."

"Yes, I do!" I tilted my head, so he could see my face. "You don't understand because you've always been wanted. I haven't. My birth parents didn't wanted me. I was twelve when they cast me out because I was veshe. If I didn't marry a woman, I wouldn't bring them a dowry. That's all they wanted me for, money. Fenzu loves me for who I am; treats me like the son he never had. I trust him completely. He would never hurt me on a whim or ask me to do something without a good reason."

I snorted to clear the water from my nose. "For six years he's been my father and done nothing that wasn't for my own good. Even if you or I can't see it, there is a reason for this punishment. Just as there would be a reason if I died. I will not challenge that now."

"Fine, but I'm going to stay here and make sure you're okay."

My arms quivered, and I couldn't spare the effort to shake my head. "You make no sense. What do you want from me?"

"I want to know why you're trying to get rid of me when I'm trying to help."

"By the Twins!" He made me crazy. "You want to know why?"

"Yes!" His scream was nearly drowned out by the rain.

"Because it hurts, that's why." I stood up. Didn't matter anymore, I'd already violated the routine. "It hurts to be around you. I know you don't like me, but I can't stop thinking about you. I've done things, said things, hoping you'd smile at me because it made me feel good. Yes, I know, I'm a fool, but I can't help myself. Even though you walk away whenever I get close, or turn around at night, so you don't have to look at me, I can't help it.

"Every time you smile at me, I want you more. I try harder and all that does is make you hate me more. Maybe I want Fenzu's punishment to kill me, because that's probably the only way I'll accept I never had, and never will have, any hope of being with you the way I want."

Stefren's mouth was slightly open as water ran down his face. I'd said too much. The Twins help me, I was such a fool. Why didn't they let me die from my injuries so I couldn't humiliate myself like this? With nothing else to do, I moved toward the first station to start the routine again.

"Harlin…." I wasn't sure if I heard him call me at first. "Harlin, stop, please."

I knew I shouldn't, but I stopped. After what I said, I couldn't face him, but I couldn't keep going either. Even with the rush of water falling around us, I could hear his foot falls.

"I turned away because I thought you didn't like me." He was barely inches from me when he spoke. "I'd leave whenever you showed up so you wouldn't have to be around me. Ever since my first day here, when you took me to your spot by the river, I think I've been in love with you."

Now I knew he was playing me. By morning, the entire school would know what a fool I'd become. "How could you think that? I did everything I could to show you how much I liked you."

"After we went swimming, you took me to your eighteenth year celebration." His voice seemed thick, as if recounting the story hurt. "I went to get us drinks and when everyone thought I was gone, someone asked you why you brought me to your party. Only I came back to ask you something and I heard the question and your answer. You told them because 'Fenzu told me to’. Everyone laughed and gave you their condolences." I could hear him suck in air, as if he were trying to keep control. "Doesn't get much clearer that you didn't want me around, but you brought me out of obligation. I knew then that you weren't really my friend, that you were just doing what you were told. Why would I stick around if you don't want me? I'm not a total jerk."

"Stefren…" Now I struggled to control my emotions. I finally turned around. "You left right after I said that, didn't you?"

"Yes." He kept his eyes down, still hurt by my words.

"Then you missed the rest of my answer." Gods how did everything get so messed up?

"The rest?"

"Yes, there was more." I put my hands on his face to make him look at me. "Once I got the others to shut up, I told them at first I asked you because Fenzu wanted me to, but that after spending the day together, I saw a different side of you; one I liked. I asked them to try to be nicer to you, because I liked you; a lot." There, I finally told him. "And right after the party is when you started to ignore me."

"I didn't know." I couldn't tell if he was crying, but he seemed sad. "Harlin, I'm so sorry…."

I leaned closer and kissed him. Quick, clumsy, awkward. My first kiss, ever. When I started to moved away, he grabbed the back of my head to keep us together. When our lips met again, I had no idea what to do, so I pulled back.

"Stefren…." I felt so uncertain, and I'm sure he noticed.

"What's wrong?"

Embarrassed, I knew I needed to tell him. "I…I don't know what to do."

"Do?" Now he looked confused. "Isn't this what you wanted?"

"The Twins know, yes, but I've … " Why was it so hard to just tell him. "I've never kissed anyone before. I don't…."

His doubt gave way to a huge grin and he took my face in his hands. "Just shut up and kiss me again."

Before I could answer, he covered my mouth with his. I never felt so weak and so excited at the same time. My body shook from the endorphins, as if I'd just finished a practice fight.

Time lost meaning and I would have stayed like that until our lips were sore, but I sensed a presence behind me. Tearing myself away, I ignored the hurt in Stefren's face as I turned around.

"Fenzu, I…."

"Harlin." Father's voice shook me. I'd failed him again.

"I'm sorry, it was wrong to stop. I'll start again immediately." The first station was across the yard, and I moved off without looking at either of them.

"No!" Stefren yelled. "Harlin, stop!"

I turned to face him. "Stefren, don't. It is his right as Fenzu and my father."

"Telg, this is wrong." He pushed his hair off his face and stepped closer to my father. "I'm the one who should be punished, not him."

"You think to lecture me on how best to handle my son and student?" Father gave him a stare that made strong warriors wilt. Perhaps it was the rain in his eyes or his feelings for me, but Stefren showed no change.

"Harlin almost died saving me and you send him out in this weather to punish him? If that is what you feel is best for him, then yes, I will lecture you."

I wanted to yell at Stefren to stop and kiss him at the same time. Instead, I just watched.

"Harlin's task is to guard you, with his life if necessary. How can he do that if he fails to keep watch over you?" Father was explaining himself? To Stefren? If I or any other student talked back to him, we'd be taken to the practice field and beaten for our insolence. Yet he seemed so indifferent. "He is out here as a reminder of his failure."

"I'm the reason he failed. I snuck out while he slept. How can you blame him for that?"

"Stefren," I hissed. "Enough. Fenzu's reasons are not for us to question."

"No, Harlin, I can't let it go." He tore his eyes from my father to look at me. "Nearly losing you once is too much. If I have to fight to keep you safe, I will."

Somehow, I found his hands with mine. "Nothing will happen to me, I promise. I don't want to lose you either. Believe that I won't die tonight, if only because I don't want to leave you."

"Are you two finished?" Father stood with his fists on his hips.

"Sorry, Fenzu," I bowed quickly. "I'll start now."

Stefren squeezed my nearly numb hand tighter. "If you go, then I'm coming with you."

"No!" We both turned as Father stepped through the mud.

Standing between us, Stefren glared at my father. "If you insist on punishing Harlin, I'm staying with him."

Water flowed off my face as I stared at my father, praying to the Twins he didn't hurt Stefren. "You miss the point. This lesson is not about blame or fault, it is about importance; yours and the task Harlin was given. He should have had a plan in place in case you tried to sneak off, but he did not."

"Don't you care that he could die?" Stefren's posture was stiff and his words bordered on disrespect. No, they were disrespectful. "He thinks you love him, but you don't if this is how you treat him."

I've never been afraid of my father, but I was at that moment. Stefren just challenged him. No one did that and lived. Moving quickly, I got in front of Stefren and knelt in the cold mud.

"Father, the fault is mine; Stefren does not deserve to be punished. Spare him, and I'll accept the consequences for us both."

"Harlin…." Stefren tried to pull me up, but I shrugged off his hand and kept my head down in a sign of submission and respect.

Father's boots came into view, and I tried not to flinch, waiting for his blow. I swallowed loudly just before his hand touched my face. Not a strike, but a gentle touch to tilt my head up.

"There shall be no more punishment, my son." The pressure from his hand told me to stand. Eye to eye, he finally smiled. "This was the purpose of your lesson. You two needed to speak, to work out this foolish dance you were doing around each other. I wanted you both to realize how much you meant to each other. Having succeeded, I am canceling the rest of the lesson and sending you both inside to get warm."

Glancing to my right, Stefren and I exchanged confused looks. A thick hand gripped my shoulder and I saw another grabbed Stefren's as well.

"I've always been proud of you, Harlin. From the day I adopted you, I knew you were special. Never have you given me reason to doubt that." He squeezed my shoulder tighter.

"But you, young Stefren, tonight you are worthy to be called Prince. The selflessness to risk something, everything, for someone else is the lesson I needed you to learn. Harlin is my greatest treasure and only someone who would risk everything for him could have my approval."

Cold, soaked to the skin, tired from my illness and the exercise, and emotionally drained, I felt ready to pass out. Before I could move, Father pulled us both into a hug, pressing Stefren into my side. As his hand let go, my legs buckled.

Stefren's arms appeared from nowhere to hold me up. "Harlin, are you okay?"

I tried to nod, but that made the ground spin. "Tired," I whispered, calling on all my will to keep on my feet.

"Inside, both of you." Father reached out, but moved back as Stefren pulled me closer. "Staff has already heated water for you."

Propped against his side, Stefren helped me walk toward the baths. After a few steps, I didn't need his help, but I made no move to let go.

Father was gone when we reached the door to the baths. With a smirk, I pushed the door open nd was met by a blast of warm, moist air. "Alone with a warm bath drawn. I hope you're thinking what I am."

Stefren raised his eyebrows and smiled. Closing the door, we had only the light from a few candles. "Only one way to find out."

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