Pitch Perfect - 14. Chapter 14:Mistakes

Lolling his head back on the edge of the couch, Lucca couldn’t help the air of boredom that settled over him. Even if Sam’s visit was unexpected, it was certainly welcome. It was silly knowing how excited he’d been hearing Sam’s voice from the hall. He’d been in the middle of a game with Mr. Evans, but his joy at the sound must have been pretty transparent enough; all he got was a dismissive hand gesture without any of the normal teasing.

The distraction couldn’t have come at a better time, honestly, since Lucca hadn’t received an odd message from Addie that morning.

But he barely had a glimpse of Sam before… well… he actually had no idea what happened. ‘Obviously I did something wrong.’ Lucca wasn’t normally the most observant of other’s emotions, but it didn’t take a genius to figure out that Jeremy had been pissed at him. For what, he wasn’t sure, however the message was clear enough: stay away from me.

Without knowing the details, it was hard to come up with a solution. Still, Lucca had the feeling it should have been him, not Sam, to follow Jeremy. It didn’t make sense for a third person to become involved in whatever their issues were.

Clearing his head, he sat up. There wasn’t much to do now since Sam was already on the case.

Lucca unfurled the brown paper lunch bag Sam had given him and laughed. It was times like this he actually wished for a cell phone. Then he could call to ask what part of peanut butter and fluff with four fruit roll-ups was supposed to be healthy. ‘God, how can he eat like this,’ Lucca wondered while absentmindedly unwrapping a snack himself.

Lately, without a conscious awareness, his thoughts had been taking on a life of their own. His father had caught him staring into space while doing laundry last night, and he’d missed his bus stop once and had to walk an extra few blocks home. If he’d been more cognizant of it himself, Lucca probably would’ve worried about his actions coming off as strange, luckily he was blissfully unaware.

His mind wandered and although Lucca found himself thinking about Sam often, it wasn’t all that- there was more. Instead, it was like a feeling of freedom in his head, permission to not worry over what dark spots might be floating around. Sure he still worried more than the average person, but his nightmares had almost stopped and he could finally breathe.

Even the issues with Jeremy weren’t enough to dampen his mood; there was one thing that might hold that power though. Addie.

As soon as Lucca’s shift at Grace Memorial finished for the day he made his way over to her house. That morning before either he or his father had woken up Addie left a cryptic message on their answering machine. Nothing in the message had been especially negative per se, it was more the tone of her voice that gave Lucca a sinking feeling.

“Hi.” Addie lacked her normal spark as she pulled open the front door. That was enough to confirm it for Lucca; if Addie had something to be meek over then he definitely wasn’t going to like the news.

“Hey Adds,” Lucca said as he walked into the house. “I got your message this morning; what time did you get up anyway?”

“Oh, you know.” She shrugged before making a move to pull him up toward her room.

When they were settled on her bright duvet Lucca finally broached the subject. “So what do you not want to tell me?”

“Well…” Addie sighed. “I’m not going to be here next weekend.”

Before he could stop himself, Lucca felt his heart plummet. He knew the reaction must’ve been reflected on his face because Addie gave him a weak smile. The last thing he wanted was for Addie to feel bad, it wasn’t really her issue- but without her around the weekend would be so much harder.

“I know, I know, it’s not a good weekend for me to go away. I was arguing with my parents last night about it… but they said I had to go look at Harvard again before all of my admissions letters come in. I know we both want to go UPenn, but they really have their eyes set on me going to Harvard and you know how they can be so ridiculous and overbearing,” Addie’s nerves showed in her rambling.

“Addie, it’s okay.”

Lucca had already heard back from UPenn, his top school, since he applied early admissions. He knew that Addie’s parents made her apply to all the Ivy League schools, though. Even if she was fixed on going to school nearby, obviously the debate with her parents wasn’t quite as settled.

“Lucca, I’m so sorry. It’s just, my Dad went to school there and he won’t let it go.”

“I get it.” Lucca sighed; he did get it.

It’s not like Addie could act as his life preserver forever either, he had to learn how to deal with stuff alone. Just because she’d always been there to support him didn’t mean she always would be, and he wanted to be strong enough to support her when she needed it too.

Besides, what if she really did end up going off to Harvard next year? There would be a lot of circumstances harder than this one without Addie.

“Listen, I’ve already called your Dad, and he said your brother will be here by then and I was gonna talk to Sam—“

“Hey!” Lucca snapped back to attention. “Stop talking about me to everyone. You guys don’t always need to check up on how I’m doing.”

“We worry about you.” Addie pouted.

“Well, you don’t need to!” Lucca replied a little too vehemently. He felt bad immediately as he saw her face drop. None of this was Addie’s fault, after all. It was just… he wasn’t sure how to respond. From the way he’d been acting up until recently Lucca knew he deserved the concern. He was only now realizing how much his actions had actually hurt the people he cared about. It had been silly for him to think he was carrying the death of his mother alone.

“I’m fine, Addie. I’ll be okay.”

Addie gave him a stubborn look, holding her position.

“Alright.” He sighed. “It won’t be as easy without you around. But, I’ll make it, I swear.”

***

By Thursday night Lucca’s attitude hadn’t changed. While not super excited for Addie to be in Cambridge while he was dealing with the loss of his mother, he knew there was nothing to be done about it. And for the time being it was far from his thoughts. Instead, Lucca found himself wondering about what had happened with Jeremy and Sam. He hadn’t heard anything from and it was starting to drive him up the wall.

Was Jeremy still angry? At school it was uncommon for Lucca to run into him, but he hadn’t even seen him in the halls or across the cafeteria. Nothing. He got the distinctive feeling of being avoided. He half-figured it was karmic retribution for him avoiding Matt for so long.

‘Matt.’ Lucca still wasn’t sure what to make of his old friend. Matt hadn’t tried to stop by again since that time when Jeremy and Addie were over. Lucca was no longer trying to avoid him, however he also wouldn’t go out of his way to see him.

Because, honestly, not being around Matt had been an improvement.

Lucca had been happy since he’d decided to stop thinking about him. He felt good about how things were going; he… liked Sam. In the back of his mind, he’d even started to question whether he was ever really in love with Matt or not. It seemed like love—the desire to be near him, the infatuation—but then again somehow when he was with him, Lucca always felt… miserable. And, for some reason, he’d always felt that was what he deserved.

Now, he knew it wasn’t what he wanted.

The anxious butterflies Sam left him were definitely better than the churning nerves he used to feel for Matt. Then there was Sam’s smile… Lucca couldn’t think of it without grinning himself. Being in love with Sam was so easy.

‘Wait…what? Love?’ Lucca’s thoughts scrambled all the sudden.

He couldn’t possibly love Sam, he’d just barely gotten over whatever it was he felt for Matt, and plus he’d only known Sam a little over a month. ‘It’s not possible…’ They just started dating, really. But he did feel… something.

Finally shaking himself out of it, Lucca realized he wasn’t alone. He was sitting at the kitchen table doing homework the same as before, only now his father was staring at him with a dumbfounded expression.

“Did you say something?” Lucca asked, embarrassed. Of course his father was unaware of the inner war his mind had been waging.

“Well… welcome back.” His father said, shaking his head in apparent disbelief. “You know, I was talking to you for a good minute before I realized you weren’t listening. What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“Uh….” Was the only thing Lucca could get out. He couldn’t possible being to explain.

“You’ve been doing that a lot lately, is everything okay?” His dad questioned with genuine concern.

“Everything’s great.”

“Are you sure? I mean it’s okay if you’ve been thinking about your Mom. I’ve been thinking about her a lot too.”

Lucca felt a stab of guilt, he probably should have been thinking about his mom. A familiar sense of nausea crept over him. He used to feel that way constantly once his mother died. Like if he stopped thinking about her for one second he’d forget something, some small detail, that was his mom. Eventually, after trying to remember her for so long, his thoughts would scatter in a hundred directions, tired from constant concentration. Then when they returned back to her he’d always wonder what kind of son could forget that his mother was gone… even for a second. “Actually, I was thinking about something else,” he said reluctantly.

His father let out a deep sigh. “I didn’t mean it like that, Lucca. You’re allowed to think about other things. Actually, it’s good you are. Your Mom would want it that way. I just figured if that was what had you so spacey lately then we could talk about it.”

“Thanks, Dad.” He felt the tension in his shoulders ease slightly. It was funny—in a completely non-humorous way—how much concern he’d missed; first Addie, and now his dad. ‘Have they been this upset all along?’ Lucca suddenly felt guilty for all the stress he’d caused.

“Umm… Dad?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry if I made you worry. About me, I mean.”

His father stared blankly into his eyes for a never-ending second, assessing him. Then his face slowly pulled into a smile. “It’s alright. You know as a father it’s sort of my job, and privilege.”

A sense of chagrin that only a father could cause swept over him. Lucca felt himself blush and then quickly tried to shift conversation back into more neutral territory. “So… what were you saying before I started paying attention?”

His father laughed at his transparency, but gave in easily.

“Oh, I was just talking about Rob. He said he’ll be home Friday. Since he hasn’t been home in so long he’s planning to stay a week and a half instead of just a week. He’s already worked it out with his professors.”

“That’s great! I can’t wait to see him.” Lucca was glad that he’d have plenty of opportunity to talk with Robert. The last time he’d seen him he hadn’t exactly been himself. While he knew his brother didn’t hold that against him, it would still be nice if he could make it up to him somehow.

‘I wonder what Rob will think of Sam…’ Lucca knew even though Rob was a pretty laid back guy overall he could be protective as all hell. Sam seemed to have won his father over, but Lucca was hoping that his brother would like him too. If he didn’t, well, the next week wouldn’t go smoothly.

“Lucca?”

“Huh?”

“What has gotten into you?” His father shook his head, smiling.

“Uh…”

“Wait don’t answer that, I bet I know,” his Dad insisted. “Thinking of a certain guy?”

He refused neither to confirm nor deny the comment, but his grin was probably enough to give him away.

“Well, it’s nice to see you acting your age for once.” His father stood making his way to leave the kitchen. Before making his exit he turned back around. “Hey, why don’t you get back to your homework?”

He looked down, noticing that he only had two of thirty-five calculus problems done—and that was just the top of the homework pile. ‘I’ll never finish.’ Things got done a lot faster when he could concentrate.

But how could he be expected to focus on schoolwork when who-knows-what had happened with Sam? Never mind whatever issues were going on with Jeremy, Lucca just wanted to hear from Sam…. like… to know he was still breathing and all.

He knew it was getting to a unreasonable point when he looked down at his homework ten minutes later realizing nothing had changed. Lucca eyed his car keys hanging on the wooden pegboard across the room. It didn’t make any sense to sit wondering about what happened when he could go find out for himself, did it?

He started to bargain with himself, ‘twenty minutes… if I can finish my calculus in the next twenty minutes then I can go see Sam.’ The deal was a powerful motivator.

The world, it seemed, had other plans for him. Timed almost perfectly with his finishing of his final math problem he heard a conversation beginning in the living room. ‘What now?’ Lucca couldn’t help his sense of annoyance; he felt like he’d never get to visit Sam. He stood up and walked out of the kitchen.

“Hey.” His dad waved him over. “You’ve yet to introduce me to your friend.”

“Jeremy…” Lucca was speechless; he hadn’t expected to have Jeremy stop by for a visit. Especially since… wasn’t he mad? After a look from his father he moved to slowly make a more formal introduction.

After a stagnant moment, his dad excused himself to his study leaving Lucca and Jeremy standing awkwardly alone together.

“Hi,” Lucca said again, feeling extremely uncomfortable.

“I think we might need to talk.” Jeremy gave him a hard look, appraising. Lucca gestured to get on with it, but was met by the shake of a head. “Privately?”

“Oh, uh, okay.”

He led the way up to his room. Lucca sat on his desk chair, turned to face the bed where Jeremy sat, perched, as if he might jump up and make a run for it any second now.

Why was Jeremy so nervous? Lucca was the one that should be apologizing for something…

“Listen,” Jeremy blew out the word, “I like you. More than I thought I would, honestly. I haven’t really been clear about why I really wanted to get to know you… but I want to ask you a question.”

No harm there, he guessed. Lucca shrugged. “Okay?”

“You said you were dating someone—who is it?”

“Um…” Sam hadn’t said anything about keeping it private, but Lucca still wondered if he should be the one to mention it. On top of that, he wasn’t sure if he was comfortable enough with Jeremy to tell him he was gay.

The look Jeremy was giving him was so earnest though, so serious. As if the answer really mattered for some reason. Lucca wanted to trust him.

“Your cousin, Sam,” Lucca softly admitted.

“Only Sam?” Jeremy asked the question just as intensely as he had the last.

Lucca was slightly shocked and borderline offended. Wasn’t Jeremy surprised he was gay, not to mention dating his cousin? No. Instead he was wondered if Lucca was cheating? “Yes, only Sam,” Lucca snapped.

“Shit.” Jeremy collapsed backward onto the bed, deflating.

“What?” Lucca felt confused.

“Listen, I might as well apologize now,” Jeremy sighed. “I think I might’ve done something really stupid.”