The Secret Life Of Billy Chase 8 - 9. Chapter 9

Saturday

- It was such a relief to have Jimmy naked and in my arms again today. I know that it had only been a few days, but there's something really addictive about Jimmy's body that makes me crave it all the more when I have to do without. Hehehe, he's made a Grade A slut out of me these days. Not that I hear him complaining at all.

There was something different about today, though. I mean...we only really got to do it once, as my mom wasn't out of the house long enough for us to have much privacy. So it was pretty much an extended quickie while she went out to grab some extra groceries for cooking dinner tonight. Still, even after she came back...I had my bedroom door closed, and we nearly got into fooling around again. Hehehe, I don't know...it was kinda cute the way he was acting around me. He'd just...like...give me a slightly tilted grin, or he'd peek up at my eyes and blush...it was driving me crazy. Then we'd stop talking, and almost fall back into kissing each other again before Jimmy giggled and attempted to shrug off the feeling. It wasn't just sex today. I guess that's what I'm saying. When I asked him if he could come over today, I was kinda thinking to myself that I just needed to get off really bad, and was hoping to sink, balls deep, into that pretty little ass of his and pump away until we were both breathless with release. But...I think I enjoyed just being able to talk to him for a while. Just talk. It's hard to remember that we actually are friends when I'm so busy thinking about being...you know...'inside' of him. Hehehe!

Anyway, we were sitting on the floor, leaning up against my bed. I had MTV playing in the background, but we weren't really paying it any sort of attention. It was just some ambient noise, I guess. And he just...I dunno....sighhhh, it was fun to hear about what he's been up to. And he asked me about work, and he told me about a few movies he rented for the weekend. Simple stuff. I think I missed that. The simple stuff.

I noticed that Jimmy sometimes rubs the scars on his wrists when he doesn't think I'm looking. It seems like it was so long ago. I sometimes forget exactly what those scars stood for. It's easy to see Jimmy grinning and blushing and giving me sweet little kisses on the lips...and not think about how dark his world must have been on the day he did that to himself. So sad. So alone. So utterly empty inside. Sometimes it can take so little to push someone over the edge. That tiny little nudge...the last straw. One heartbreak. One betrayal. One forgotten birthday. So very little.

Jimmy noticed that I was being quiet, and he's like, "What? What'd I say?"

I don't know what made the emotion swell up within me the way it did at that moment...but I reached out to take a hold of his hand, and I said, "Nothin'. Go on. I'm listening." Sure, he gave me a weird look and a smirk, but I just had this sense of appreciation for the fact that he was sitting right here next to me. I could have lost him forever. The world could have lost him forever. Heh...weird. I'm definitely being weird.

I leaned over to kiss him tenderly on the lips, and I ran my thumb lightly across his cheek. I think Jimmy attempted to keep his cool, but I think he looks up and sees me looking into his eyes in an intimate way...and he gets overwhelmed by it all. Hehehe, he's like, "Billy....hehehe...." And without being able to control himself, he leaned into me and lowered his head to rest his cheek against my chest, wrapping his arms around me for balance as the rest of his body went limp. He whispered, "...You're too much. You know that?" And I heard him whimper helplessly as I hugged him back and kissed the top of his head.

Yeah...like I said, something about us being together was different today. I think I could get used to something like this.

Anyway, I'm glad that I at least got to spend the afternoon just hanging around the house. I'm sure that Sam and I probably could have gotten together to go out somewhere, but he probably would have just wanted to go to the mall. And...I don't know...now that I actually work at the mall, it kinda takes all the adventure out of 'going to the mall'. Besides, knowing Sam, he'd probably want to have his clingy girlfriend swinging on his arm the entire time. And I could do without having to look at that for the rest of the evening. I haven't really spoken more than a few words to her since my father's barbecue...but she still bugs me. And Sam bugs me for not doing anything about it. I mean...well...whatever. I'm not going to get myself all upset about it. I had a nice, long, relaxing day. No need to screw it up now.

It wasn't until shortly after dinner that I was online and heard my mom talking on the phone as she approached my bedroom door. Just before giving a light knock, I heard her say, "Well, when he gets back can you tell him to give me a call? No emergency, but it's important." I told her to come on in, and she was like, "Ok. Here he is..." She handed me the phone, and she said, "It's your friend, Trace."

Cool, right? I thought that he might want to just shoot the shit for a little bit, but instead Trace seemed to be all hyped up for another one of his wacky late night outings. Hehehe, which, normally would have been an excellent way to completely obliterate any sense of boredomon a mellow Saturday night. But...not tonight.

I smiled when I said hello to Trace, but I couldn't help but to notice a look on my mom's face. A sad look. Not visible 'agony' or anything that severe....but concern? Was that what it was? I couldn't really tell. It just broadcasted this weird, melancholy, feeling of worry. I can't really describe it, but I knew that look when I saw it. I've seen it on my own face many times when looking in the mirror. Almost like a numb version of the emptiness Jimmy LaPlane must have felt the night that he...well, you know.

My mom turned and left the room before I found the words to ask her if everything was alright. She lightly closed the door behind her to give me some privacy, but...yeah...that 'look'...

...I guess you could say that it just stayed burned into my memory.

Trace was like, "Dude, what are you doing tonight? Come on out with us? We've got work to do."

I'm like, "Work? What work? And who is 'us'?"

Trace said, "Simon is totally being a sourpuss right now. He's gonna screw around and undo all of the marvelous work we put into loosening him up in the first place. I'm taking him out on a field trip tonight, and you're coming with us. So find a way out of the house and get your little booty over here so we can put a big ol' goofy grin on his face."

I asked him, "What's wrong with Simon now? I figured he would have pouted out the grades on his finals thing. What did you do to him?"

Trace was like, "I didn't do anything! I swear. The big dork told his parents about not studying to the point of a nervous breakdown, and from what he told me it sounds like they're gonna take him down to the offices and put in a late registration for Summer school. Isn't that some bullshit?"

I'm like, "Wow. They took it that bad, huh?"

He said, "Who knows? Simon has a tendency to exaggerate with stuff like this. You should see him, dude. He's acting like he's being shipped off to prison or something. Hehehe, it's ridiculous. Even at his worst, Simon did way better than I did. So I figure...he needs more corruption. Apparently, I haven't caused him enough damage yet for it to linger. I think I can fix that." Then Trace was like, "So what's the deal? You in, or what?"

There was a sincere part of me that wanted to say 'yes'. I could have easily gotten dressed up, and jetted out of the house to go out and have the time of my life with Trace...who was about as much of a wildcard as any other super cute boy in existence. And I'm sure that Simon would have been just as surprised as I was whenever Trace's deliberately spontaneous nature FINALLY clued us in on what his plans were for the evening. Trace had a specific talent for awesome surprises.

But tonight...there was an emotional snag that caught a hold of me and refused to let me go.

It was that look. That lonely fucking look that my mom had given me just a few moments earlier.

She didn't really make a big production out of it, but there was a part of me that knew her heart the same way that she knew mine. It just made me think of Jimmy rubbing the wounds on his wrists. It reminded me of just how brittle human emotions can be....and how little it took for me to just...put her mind at ease. If only for a few moments out of my day. You know? Is that strange? It feels strange. But... felt bad. Guilty. What if my mom reached that same dark place? What if she was on the edge of the abyss...and only needed the slightest of breezes to push her over the edge? What if a few kind words from me was all it took to keep from losing her forever? I mean...FOREVER?

Thinking about that, I told Trace, "Nah. I mean...I hope you guys have fun, but...I think I should just chill tonight. My mom and I are going to spend some quality time together. We've been looking forward to it and stuff...so...maybe another time. K?"

I think Trace was kinda surprised that I was able to say 'no' to him! Hehehe! I don't know if he was disappointed, or proud of my efforts to deny him everything that he wanted. But whatever it was, he said, "Alright. Suit yourself. But you'll be missing out." Then he grinned a bit more, and he said, "Just know that I LOVE taking you out of your comfort zone, Billy! So don't you stop being fun! You hear me!"

Grinning, I said, "Deal."

And he was like, "Cool! Just know that I'm totally gonna come find you and let you know what we do anyway. So...you know...that's what you get for being a punk, asshole! Hahaha!"

Yeah, it was fun. But...I don't know...I still have my reservations about my dad and his....'new girlfriend'. Gee, thanks for destroying the rest of my fucking LIFE for a piece of ass, dad! I hope it was worth it. Because I don't think it's something that I think I'll ever be able to forgive. Not that I don't love my dad. I do. I will ALWAYS love my dad. But...like Trace said a long time ago...after what he's done...he'll just fade away into that distant memory of a person that I thought I knew...but never really did. I don't know...maybe things will be better when he moves away, and I never see him again. Maybe it'll be better for both me AND my mom. Who knows at this point.

Anyway, I found the strength to turn Trace tonight, and he told me that he'd just come after me later. Hehehe, something that I was SURE he would follow up on! But...as I walked out to the living room to hang the phone up again, I saw my mom watching TV on the couch all by herself. I think she was watching some kind of CSI type of detective, prime-time, type of picture. And even though I don't usually go in for that kind of thing....in fact, I NEVER go in for that kind of thing....I asked her what she was watching anyway.

My mom was lost in a daze at the moment, and she said, "Oh....just...some TV, honey. That's all."

I'm sure that she was expecting me to just shrug my shoulders and walk back into my room to isolate myself from the rest of the world and just stay to myself while leaving her all alone to wallow in whatever emotion it was that happened to be souring her disposition and rotting her once joyful heart from the inside out at the moment. But not tonight. Maybe it was Jimmy that had me feeling all cuddly and affectionate. Or maybe it was just a certain obligation....a 'duty' to my Mom, who had shown me nothing but unconditional love and care from the very beginning....that made me stay.

It was a good feeling. Knowing that I did the right thing. Knowing that she would really enjoy my company, instead of having me locked away in a stuffy old bedroom like always. And when she saw me sit down next to her on the sofa...hehehe, she smiled, and I SWEAR that I saw her mood brighten up instantly from the affectionate display. She even hugged me around the shoulders, and kissed me on the top of the head. The same way that I had done for Jimmy earlier today.

As she held me close...I had to think about it all.....

It takes sooooo little....

So little pain...

So little affection....

So little vulnerability....

So little betrayal...

To push us all over the edge. Whether it be into a place of comfort...or a place of complete horror and despair...the people around us matter. That's what Jimmy tried to get me to understand. While I'm giggling to myself, someone else is really suffering in ways that I may NEVER understand. Unless I find the courage to stop being selfish and see their side of the situation. See it like Jimmy's suicidal scars. See it like the heartbreak in my mother's eyes after having her family fall apart. See it like....like....

...Like me shredding Brandon's heart to pieces by cheating on him...and leaving him behind without ever looking back to see why he HATED me so fucking MUCH!!!

Yeah....I think....

I think I should just go to bed at this point.

Yeah...I should just go to bed. No more to be said, other than my mom and I spent some quality time together! Hehehe, in fact, I think we ended up watching three or four HOURS worth of TV tonight! Which is rare, but I enjoyed it! Especially when my mom made grilled cheese sandwiches for us to share! LOL! She makes such a little boy out of me sometimes! Not a SLUT, thank goodness...but a little boy! I think I like that! :)

Ok, that's it! Gotta run! I've got work in the morning! I hope Trace doesn't take Simon TOO far beyond his comfort zone tonight! Hehehe! Simon is an awesome friend, nbut he has his limits. I know. I also know how good Trace is about taking the average beyond those limits. So...let's see how this plays out! My thoughts are with ya, Simon! I promise! Hehehe!

- Billy