Clueless Camping - 2. Questions and Distractions

After Jacob had made me come, we dragged the mattress and the discarded sleeping bags back into the tent and cuddled some more. I had so many questions I wanted to ask, and I tried to express them. But I was also exhausted by the emotional and physical roller coaster I’d been on. Jacob tucked me under my unzipped bag and kissed me. His gentle caresses of my hair were more than I could resist.

“Sleep now, Russell, we’ll talk in the morning. I promise to answer any questions you may have.” I slipped away into a dreamless night and woke feeling better than I’d felt since before I got TBE.

For the first few moments I didn’t know why I was in such a good mood, but then I opened my eyes to the awesome sight of the smiling face of my boyfriend…? Wow, it was such a strange new concept, but then again...I liked it. It felt right.

His blue eyes were glued to my face, and as soon as he saw I was awake, Jacob leaned in to kiss me. Just a quick peck on the mouth, a more lingering kiss on my cheek and then his mouth found my ear. “Good morning my love, did you sleep well?”

His hot breath tickled, but when he nibbled on my earlobe, the hard-on in my boxers lurched. Ahh, yes Jacob had spent a long time last night discovering all my erotic spots, and my ears had turned out to be two of the most sensitive.

Before I could react and drag him down on top of me for some more of the tender loving care I craved, my blond Viking moved back and announced that breakfast was ready. He watched me for a bit as I sat up, put my T-shirt on, and grabbed my shorts. I didn’t want to leave the shelter of my sleeping bag while my erection was still obvious. I stared at Jacob, waiting for him to go outside. When he smirked slightly, I blushed, and he laughed and left the tent. I quickly donned my shorts and sandals and went for a quick pee. That solved the problem, and after rinsing my hands I was ready for breakfast.

It looked like another hot day was in store for us. I agreed when Jacob suggested we relax on the beach for an hour or two before riding our rented bikes into town and find something cool to do during the noontime heat.

“I know there’s a small internet café and I want to upload the pictures from my camera. Maybe check my email.” Unspoken, but obvious, was the thought about finding out what was going on at home, for both of us. I’d obeyed Mom’s command to stay away from my email and Facebook accounts, but I knew it was time to get in touch with Evan. But first I needed answers and the truth about why we were hiding in the wild.

Once we’d cleared away the breakfast things, we got ready for the beach. Previously I’d worn shorts and often a T-shirt, as well as plenty of sunscreen lotion. But now Jacob presented me with a Speedo similar to the one he’d been wearing and insisted I put it on. “I’ll make sure to use the highest factor lotion on the parts which haven’t yet been in the sun so much. But I’ve wanted to see you in this, ever since I bought it in Thisted.”

Blushing I went into the tent to change, and when I came out Jacob carefully put lotion on every bit of exposed skin. By the time he was done, I had a huge wet spot on the front of my new swimwear. He seemed to take this as an invitation and knelt in front of me. He eased the Speedo down and my erection jumped out at him. It had been making a rather obvious bulge from the moment Jacob’s strong hands began touching my naked skin.

He swallowed all six inches in one long slide and used his hands to play with my nipples and caress my butt. The outcome was inevitable and fast, and I spurted in his mouth within a couple of minutes, unable to withstand the intense stimulation by his lips, tongue and fingers. My knees threatened to collapse, but Jacob held me upright and pulled the Speedo back up.

“There my love, that should keep you relaxed for the next hour or so. Let’s go lie in the sun and talk.” He grabbed a bottle of water and drank, before standing up and giving me a kiss.

My brain slowly started working again as I followed Jacob along the path for half a mile and then down towards the water where the nice beach began. There were no other people around, but I knew from the previous days other tourists would arrive soon. Mostly families with young children, but also a few couples and groups of young people.

We’d spoken with a few of them, and even joined one group of guys for some beach volleyball. Or rather Jacob had played while I watched them. Suddenly I wondered if they had considered us to be a couple, although Jacob did introduce me as his cousin.

It dawned on me I was once again avoiding the subject of why I was in Denmark, thinking of anything else rather than the fact I was more or less a fugitive and probably because my father hated Evan and would hate me too. Considering how much I craved his approval, it was pretty depressing to know I’d never get it, and the reason was something I couldn’t help. Or at least I knew being gay was not a choice, but I guess having a boyfriend would be a lot worse.

I blushed when I suddenly realized I’d blithely used the word gay about myself and felt happy rather than upset at the idea of having a boyfriend. Oh well, time to face the truth.

“Jacob, does my mom know you’re gay?” He looked slightly surprised at the abrupt start, and I blushed, but apparently this was the first question my mind sent directly to my mouth without my conscious brain being involved.

Another reason for my blush was Jacob anointing his handsome body with sunscreen lotion. It occurred to me I hadn’t even thought of returning the favor at the tent. So off my stupid mouth went again: “Do you want me to help with that? Ehm, though I can’t do what you also did earlier.” My eyes dropped to the bulge in his Speedos, which was impressive though he was clearly flaccid, then slid up his tanned and muscular torso.

Jacob smiled at me when my gaze finally returned to his face. “Just between my shoulders like you have before. Don’t worry, Russell, I know you’re not ready to give me a blowjob just yet. We’ll take it slow, though I’m dying to see your sexy lips around my cock.” His blue eyes held mine captive and I gulped.

“But as to your first question: yes, your mum knows I’m gay. So does your dad.” My mouth dropped open, and Jacob probably knew what I was thinking, because he continued. “I’ve been out to my family and friends since I was sixteen, and I’m sure my mum told yours. But your dad didn’t know when he came over here five years ago.”

My cousin shrugged. “He made a fuss about the fact that Kristin and I had shared a room at Bornholm. He more or less threatened to beat me up if he found out I’d done his precious daughter. I got so fed up, I told him I was gay and had a boyfriend.”

Now Jacob scowled, “I hadn’t realized what a bigot he was or how badly he’d react. But that was when he forbade me to visit you in the hospital. And even though your mum had invited me to visit you the next summer, he prevented that too. Fucking idiot, I looked forward to having fun in Florida for five weeks.”

I gazed at him in amazement and couldn’t help asking, even if I knew it was a silly question. “But you didn’t fancy Evan or me then, did you?” He shook his head.

“No, you were just kids and more or less my cousins. No offense, Russell, but it didn’t occur to me at all. Nor did I think of you as a potential boyfriend, when you arrived this time.” He moved closer and put his arm around me.

“I know it was a surprise for you, but actually it was for me too. You just sort of grew on me. I loved the way you listened to me and looked at me and went along with all my plans. But at the same time you were a complete mystery. I never knew what you were thinking and you kept such a tight lid on your emotions. Getting you to laugh, make your beautiful green eyes sparkle, having your complete attention became my goal. Until the day I suddenly realized I’d fallen in love with you.”

He turned my face towards him and moved in for a kiss. For a split second I worried someone might see us, but everything was forgotten in the delight of Jacob’s lips on mine, his tongue in my mouth as he claimed me once again. When he pulled back we were both panting and his blue eyes had me mesmerized.

“I wanted to kiss you and hold you and make love to you so badly, Russell. But you never looked at me like that, and I didn’t want to push you into anything. The night at the beach when you followed me, I almost couldn’t believe it. Knowing you were watching me was such a turn on, and I came harder than I had for a long time. Did you like what you saw?”

He’d asked me a similar question the second time I spied on him and never got an answer. But now I admitted my secret. “Umm yeah I did, and I came in my underwear, when you … ehm … ejaculated.” Jacob’s face lit up in a huge grin, and he hugged me and kissed me some more. But then he sat back with a sigh and told me we’d better stop making out or we’d never finish our talk. He was right, and I tried to collect my scattered brains.

Without much success, because the next words out of my mouth were: “Did my mom expect you to make me gay?” I quickly amended when I saw his expression, “no I mean did she think I was gay and you’d make me figure it out?”

Jacob laughed. “I’m sure she had no intentions or expectations of us falling in love. But you know with Evan and you being identical twins, the odds were high you’d also have the same sexuality. And she probably wanted you to realize away from all the drama with Evan and your dad, or at least not be confronted with the issue because he accused you out of the blue.”

Ah yes that was another crucial matter, what on earth had happened the night Evan left? So of course this was my next question and Jacob sighed. “Well, I don’t know much, but apparently Evan came out to your dad and told him he wanted his boyfriend to come to your birthday party.”

Wow. My brother, the stud who’d been chased by girls all the way through high school, had a boyfriend! Though I don’t know why this surprised me. After all, Evan was handsome and charming and clever, and of course gay guys would admire him and lust after him just as much as straight girls. Maybe he’d even had sex with guys before he went to college.

I suddenly recalled a conversation one night at the dinner table when we were seventeen, just before Evan’s Senior Prom. Mom had been worried about what would happen, even though Evan told her he’d take his date straight home at the end of the dance. Finally, he’d put his hand over his heart and sworn:

“Mother, on my twin bond I swear I’ll never have sex with a woman unless I’m in a committed relationship or married.” Both my parents had looked pleased and proud and I’d once again been impressed with my twin. But also sad because the twin bond oath was something we’d shared since the first time Evan had uttered it.

We were five at the time, and I was scared about going to preschool the next day. Evan had stood in front of me with the same serious face and his hand on his puffed-out chest. “On our twin bond I swear I’ll protect you and we’ll be fine in school tomorrow.” And we were, all due to Evan who made me feel safe. He’d continued to do so up to the moment he left me behind.

But now I knew Evan was gay, the oath took on a whole new significance. He must have known already and so it cost him nothing to swear never to have sex with a woman. No wait, he’d sworn not to be with a woman unless he was in a committed relationship, but nothing was said about who he’d be partnered with.

And I knew there was one compelling reason for him to have some sort of ‘relations’ to a woman. This was another crucial thing Evan and I had in common apart from being gay: we both loved children and expected to have kids in the future. Since we were nine or ten, we’d talked about how we wanted them to be close. We had promised each other we’d make it happen, even if we lived in different parts of the country.

Because my mom’s family was so far away, we’d never spent much time with our Danish cousins, and in any case most of them were a lot younger. My father had several brothers and sisters with children, yet for some reason those cousins seemed distant too. Or maybe I was the one keeping them at arm’s length because Evan mixed and chatted happily with most of them. We’d seen our aunts and uncles and their offspring regularly at my grandparent’s house or during family celebrations held by my parents.

There were some Evan disliked though, and he’d be polite but reserved with them. Oohh. It dawned on me those cousins had all exhibited various forms of bigotry over the years, often directed at gay people or other issues the Catholic Church held medieval views about (such as birth control and abortions).

I heard Jacob sigh next to me, which brought me out of my contemplations.

“I wish you’d let me in on your thoughts and feelings, Russell.”

I gave him a confused look.

“Every so often your face goes quiet and unreadable, and you disappear into your own mind. I’ve no idea if you’re lost in worries, daydreaming or just thinking about stuff. If I say something, you answer politely but I can tell you’re not paying attention. If I leave you alone, you sometimes ignore me for an hour or more, and when you’re finally back with me, you pretend it’s only been five minutes. Or are you really not aware of time?”

Jacob’s face was showing an unexpected anguish that made my heart contract painfully. I didn’t quite know what to say, so I just shook my head. Was I really ignoring him a lot of the time? I’d always been more of an introvert than Evan and even as children I’d sit and watch and think and dr…. No, no don’t go there. I quickly shunted my thoughts on to something else.

Evan used to break my introspection and demand I play with him or talk or whatever, and I was always happy to do so. But the year I was ill, we’d been apart most of the time, and I certainly didn’t appreciate when my mom, or even worse my father, attempted to intrude on my privacy.

To be fair Mom only tried if she thought I was unhappy, and Father mainly reacted if he saw me brooding (‘being unmanly’ as he’d say). I guess I’d sort of developed this blank mask and ability to respond politely in order to keep them fooled.

Of course, Evan would never have been taken in by this act, but being in separate years at high school and him moving in different circles of friends and acquaintances meant we didn’t spend much time together. And I was careful to keep my focus on him whenever we were together. The listen and pretend you’re interested ploy suggested by my mom worked fine, though in Evan’s case I was actually eager to hear about his life. Living vicariously via my twin brother, that’s me. Pathetic. Disgusting even.

A quiet sniffle next to me caught my attention and I looked up to find Jacob staring at me with tears running down his handsome face. The painful lurch of my heart and clenching of my guts surprised me. Apparently I didn’t like it when my boyfriend was upset. Or maybe the fact I was probably the reason…

‘No, stop it Russell, keep your mind on Jacob and what’s happening right now rather than go off on another of your thinking sprees.’ The voice in my head sounded like Evan in one of his rare snits and I gulped and reached out to the unhappy blond hunk sitting opposite me.

My hand on his shoulder made Jacob shudder, and I moved closer and stroked his warm skin tentatively. He didn’t say anything, just kept looking into my eyes as if he was afraid to lose me.

I leaned in and kissed him, and though he responded and returned the kiss, he didn’t take it further. I knew it wasn’t because he was shy about making out on the beach, so something else was wrong.

I’d hoped Jacob would kiss me senseless and hold me again, because when he did I certainly didn’t think of anything else but my connection to him. Well, maybe also a bit about how I wanted the kiss to progress and what I wanted him to do to me. But that’s only natural, right?

When the kisses finished, I was back to dealing with an upset boyfriend who for once refused to take the initiative to talk. Jacob had been the one to take charge and make decisions all the time, why did he leave it up to me now? Fuck, I didn’t know what to say or do now.

It wasn’t as if I’d ever been in a relationship before or knew how to deal with being in love and having hurt my partner. I could almost hear Evan sigh in exasperation inside my head. ‘How about just talking to him, you blithering idiot?’ Ehmm OK.

“Jacob, I’m sorry. I guess I do sort of wander off into my mind now and then. It’s just … you know I haven’t really been able to talk to anyone for a long time. Not about emotions and stuff. How I’m feeling I mean. Or what’s worrying me. And I don’t want to bother you with...”

That was as far as I got, because my protective Viking grabbed hold and jerked me into his lap. “Russell, I love you for fuck’s sake. When you ignore me, it hurts so much. Nothing you can tell me could be worse than you shutting me out. I WANT you to tell me your worries, partly so I can help you deal with them, but also because I want us to be close in every way, emotionally, physically, spiritually. I want you to talk about your dreams and fears and hopes and wishes, to share yourself with me. And the physical part of sharing, including sex, is actually less important than the mental connection. Making love to your body will do nothing for me, if you don’t let me make love to your mind and your soul.”

Oh. Oh God he really meant it.

For the second time in less than twenty-four hours I broke down and cried. The night before, it had been for shame and fear, but now I cried from relief and joy that somebody loved me and cared about me.

I hadn’t cried for years, not even in secret in my bedroom. My father had told us real men don’t cry; only sissies showed their emotions in such unmanly ways. He’d seemed proud of me, when I’d shown a calm demeanor every time I faced another setback.

Like being told I couldn’t do sports in high school, though that one was easy, as all I had to do was pretend I was disappointed, but stoic at the news. Not getting a driver’s license until I got the last all-clear from the doctors, having to spend hours doing school work, because I was so slow (good excuse to stay in my room every night), giving up dra…

I buried my head in the angle between Jacob’s neck and shoulder and sobbed. My crying only lasted a few minutes but it was a catharsis I needed badly, letting out all the hurt like puncturing a boil to get rid of the festering that prevented healing. Jacob just held me or rather we held each other and cried together.

When I sat up and looked at him, he smiled and gently wiped my face with a corner of his towel. He cleaned himself up and found us some water to drink in his bag. He had us both lie down on the blanket facing each other, as it was getting too hot for me to sit in his lap.

Also as I looked around I saw other tourists arriving and just as I finished my water and lay down again, a big group of young people walked onto the beach from the parking lot 500 yards away. I didn’t want them to see us kissing and hugging, but I was happy for Jacob to hold my hand between us as we talked.

I told him I had no idea Evan was gay and had a boyfriend. I knew Father wouldn’t approve but I still felt Mom sending me to Denmark was an overreaction. “Although now I’m happy she did, because I wouldn’t have met you again otherwise, or at least not right now. And I’m glad you’ll be my first … first everything.” I gave my boyfriend a shy smile, and he grinned back and told me he was pleased too.

He squeezed my hand. “Yeah the part about getting away from your dad and us hiding in the countryside, I thought my cousin was a bit over the top with this too. She refused to elaborate, and my first thought was maybe he’d hit her or you. But he’s never been violent has he?”

I shook my head. “No, Father has never hit Evan or me, and I’m pretty sure he hasn’t hit Mom or Kristin either. He’s actually old-fashioned about proper behavior to women, and he gets quite angry when there’s something about wife bashing in the news. And I think he made the bank dismiss one guy who was fairly high ranking but got a probation sentence for hitting his wife and child.”

I bit my lip. “He does have a temper and he’s strict, but yelling and disapproval and removal of privileges were his ways of punishing us.” I hesitated but decided not to voice how scared I was of disappointing my father.

Jacob nodded but he didn’t seem relieved. “I bet you avoided upsetting him. It’s easier just to go along with his plans for you, even if you disliked them.” My jaw dropped, and he chuckled. “You’ve been doing just that during this whole camping trip, Russell. Though I think you managed to enjoy most of the things we’ve done.”

He was right. I’d been annoyed at the whole camping thing, but I’d never told him I hated it at first. And now I never wanted it to stop. Even though I did miss sleeping in a bed and long hot showers and food that was not cooked on camping gear or bought in a fast food chain.

”Yeah, I guess we pretty much did what was expected of us. But I think Kristin genuinely wanted to go into banking, and Evan always talked about studying law, so my father approving was just convenient. Although they did chose a college farther away from home than necessary. Maybe this was how they got away from his influence. In fact, now that I think of it, Evan only came home for at short visit during Christmas, but I thought this was because he’d been invited to go skiing with friends from college. I wonder which of them...” Jacob tapped my nose and I looked at him in surprise.

“You’re changing the subject, Russell. You’re good at doing that when you want to avoid facing issues which upset you. And you don’t like talking about yourself. Every time I try to get to know you, I end up being told about what Evan likes, does or says. Or you manage to turn the conversation around to my interests. But that’s not going to happen now, babe.”

His smile was teasing when he used that silly pet name, but the blue eyes quickly turned serious again. “I think your dad is a manipulative bastard who intends to mold his kids into something that reflects well on his image as a successful banker with the perfect family. And having two gay sons doesn’t fit.”

I shrugged, knowing he was probably right, but not seeing his point. I’d come across the subject on TV and online occasionally and read enough to know the scientific view was that being gay was genetic and not a choice. I hadn’t related the matter to myself or deliberately sought it out, or at least not as far as I knew.

I spent a lot of time with my computer searching for information for school projects or just reading all sort of things to distract myself. This issue was simply one of many that caught my interest briefly a couple of years ago. Although something suddenly dawned on me, and this time I remembered to share my thoughts with Jacob.

“Well, there’s not much he can do about it, is there? I know the current medical opinion in most civilized countries is if you’re 100% gay, it can’t be helped. Evan showed me this website a couple of years ago, because I needed some information on a school project. Not about homosexuality of course, something else. But now I suspect he led me there, because the site also had a large section about how the perception of human sexuality has developed. All this stuff about how most people are a mixture and fall somewhere on the scale between 100% straight and gay, and a small percentage even shift from one to expressing the other depending on age or circumstances. “

Jacob seemed pleased and not at all bored with my ramblings. It was pretty exhilarating to have a handsome guy looking at me as if everything I said was interesting and important. When he suddenly kissed me and whispered he loved me and loved me telling him what I was thinking, I blushed but my heart soared and my mind unlocked. I decided I’d never again hide myself from him.

But I was smart enough to know, the habit would be hard to break. I needed some help. “Jacob?”

He mumbled against my neck which he was nibbling at in a most distracting way.

“I want you to promise me something? Please?”

He pulled back and the tenderness and love in his eyes almost brought tears to mine. “Sure, Russell. What do you want?”

“I want to do my best not to ignore you and wander off in my own thoughts. But I’ll probably fail quite often in the beginning. So can you promise not to get upset, but just nudge me if I start doing it?”

My boyfriend was back in his part-playful, part-intense mode: “Maybe we should have a code word I can say, if we’re in company? Because I already know what I’ll do when we’re alone.”

My eyebrows went up and I could feel another blush start.

“Yeah, I did think about biting your earlobe or sucking on your neck. But that would only make you distracted in another way.” His smirk and heated gaze had my dick contemplating a revival.

“And while I love making you hard and needy, the purpose here is to snap you out of a state, not get you into one.” His hand came up to tap my nose and he whispered “Læsø.”

“What?” I swatted his finger away. “Don’t do that, it’s annoying. And why did you say Læsø?” Jacob began laughing, and I glared at him.

Then I got it. Damn. But he was clever and right.

The nose flick would definitely get my attention and so would the name of the place where I’d promised myself to Jacob. And no one else would get the point of the word, and I wouldn’t hear it in a normal conversation. By the time our vacation was over, I’d probably be conditioned to snap out of any brooding attacks by Jacob saying the magic word.

Oh shit. My stomach plunged at the thought and I’m sure I paled. Jacob reacted instantly. “Russell. Look at me. What grim thought popped into your pretty head just now? Come on, love, out with it.” Tap. “Læsø.” His intense blue eyes held my gaze, a warm arm over my shoulders. Nope there was no denying my boyfriend now.

“Oh Jacob, what’s going to happen with me? With us? This vacation won’t last forever. We’ll have to go home. I’ll have to go home to Florida or at least to America. And you’re going to travel the world. I won’t see you for a long time. Oh God I’m so stupid. Why did I fall in love with a guy who’ll leave me?”

By the end my voice was hardly more than a whimper and fresh tears were running down my cheeks. Great after not crying for years, I was having my third breakdown in a row. Fortunately, my boyfriend knew how to deal with me. He pulled me back onto his lap.

“No, no that’s not going to happen, Russell. Either you’re staying here in Denmark or I’ll go back with you.”

I gaped at him.

“Come now,” he continued. “You silly boy, I’m not going to leave you. Not while you still want me.”

Oh. Wow.

He sighed. “But I guess it’s time to talk about what my mum told me when I called from Thisted two weeks ago.”

Shit, I could see it wasn’t good news. I slid down to lie on my stomach and grabbed his hand.

“Well, as expected your dad blew up when he found out you were gone. He probably put a private detective on the job of locating you. When Mum ignored his calls, after he knew you were over here, he came in person. Your dad I mean.”

Now Jacob sounded pissed, and I gulped.

“Yeah he was pretty obnoxious when Mum and Dad told him they had no idea where you were. No one else in the family knew you’d arrived, so he didn’t have much luck there either. But now the whole clan is in uproar. Even though I’m out, I’ve always kept a low profile. No need to antagonize the religious members. Although I did enjoy pissing off my uncle Karl once, when he sneered about my being gay.”

I sneaked a glance. My boyfriend’s grin was almost evil.

“He sure didn’t have a good come back to ‘well at least I’m not a child molester hiding in a cassock’ but other than him most of them are OK. Or at least they prefer to ignore the matter rather than giving sermons.”

Jacob sighed. “But now they are arguing and upset. And I’m afraid us coming back as boyfriends won’t help.”

My guts clenched and my voice was only a shaky whisper: “Are they mad about you taking me camping? Because they think you’ll corrupt me? Turn me gay? Or at least have sex with me, persuade me to sin?” He nodded, and I knew why he’d been upset at my earlier joke about him making me gay.

I also knew no matter what we said, everyone and especially my father would assume Jacob had taken advantage of me. They’d never believe we’d only been friends until last night.

Except – Evan would, and maybe Mom and Kristin and Charlotte. Hopefully Jacob’s parents too. Did I care about anyone else? “Jacob, I need to get in touch with Evan. Can we go and find that internet café?” He nodded and let go of my hand. We stood up and started to get our things together.

Suddenly a voice spoke behind us. “Hey guys, would you like to join us?”

When we turned, a pretty blonde girl smiled at us and gestured towards the group of young people who had settled only 300 yards from us. I could see some of the guys were from the beach volleyball teams, and I recognized a few of the girls too. Including the one who had spoken to us, what was her name? Kathy, no Kathrine. She had been friendly and flirty, but not enough to make me uncomfortable.

Jacob looked at me, and I shrugged and nodded. It wasn’t as if it would make any difference whether I got hold of Evan today or tomorrow after such a long time stretch of non-communication. And I wouldn’t mind the chance of hiding in the background and let Jacob be the center of attention. It would distract my boyfriend and let me indulge in watching and thinking. It was a role I’d assumed countless times when Evan dazzled a group of his peers, and it felt familiar and comfortable after the intense morning I’d had with Jacob.

Only that’s not what happened. As we walked towards the group, our chatty companion casually dropped a small bomb. “You know, I didn’t realize you guys were a couple. In fact, I wasn’t even sure whether you were gay or not. Do you hide it on purpose, or are you just accidentally discreet?”

For a moment I thought I’d puke or faint, as my knees wobbled and my whole body went cold all over. Jacob must have been looking at my face, because he dropped the blanket and the bag with our stuff and grabbed hold of me. “Shit. Russell, it’s OK. No one will mind. But if they do, we’ll leave. Come on, calm down. Take a deep breath. That’s right, and another one. Look at me. I promise I’ll take care of you and we’ll be fine.”

He looked at Kathrine who was watching us with huge blue eyes and her hand over her mouth. “We only became boyfriends yesterday, and Russell isn’t out, not to anyone at all. Having to face a huge group of people as a couple is a bit overwhelming.”

A soft body hit my side, and suddenly I was hugged by this contrite and almost naked Danish girl. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Russell. I didn’t mean to scare you. It’s true what Jacob says, everybody here is fine with you being gay. You can go and talk to Oliver and Mathias, they’re gay too! Not a couple, I think Oliver has a boyfriend at home, but they’re relaxed and friendly. And fun to flirt with in a cute, safe way, just like I did with you and Jacob.”

By now I was facing her and fortunately she’d let go of me. Being in Denmark was something of a shock to an innocent Catholic schoolboy who’d never seen a girl without clothes on and certainly never had so much bare skin touching him all at once.

I looked over to the group, and some of them were still staring at us with curiosity, including a handsome young guy with long dark hair. But most had their backs turned, or only gave us quick glances, clearly trying to give us privacy to deal with my small nervous breakdown. I took another deep breath and straightened my back.

Thank God I’d put my T-shirt on, it was long and loose and hid most of my unattractive body. The majority of these young people were fit and slim and good looking in that particular Scandinavian way, but even the ones who were chubby seemed unconcerned about wearing skimpy swimsuits. One decidedly curvy girl was flirting with a handsome muscular stud who couldn’t keep his eyes from her ample bosom.

Jacob’s arm was still around my shoulders and as I turned my face back to him, his worried but loving gaze finally settled my rattled mind. “I’m OK now. Sorry about freaking out. I’m happy and proud to be your boyfriend, Jacob, and if you want us to be a couple in public, I’ll go along. Just not too much PDA for now, okay?” He nodded, then gave me a mischievous smile and kissed me briefly. Jeez, but it did make me feel better and Kathrine never batted an eyelid.

We continued towards the group, and I had to explain to Kathrine that PDA meant public displays of affection. Jacob used the opportunity to tease me. “You Americans are crazy about using abbreviations for everything. When I began reading stuff on US internet sites and blogs, I had to google all sorts of two or three letter terms or ask people what they meant, if I couldn’t work it out from the context.”

As we reached the edge of the group sitting or sprawling on the sand, Jacob let go of the blanket and bag again and took my hand. “Hi, thanks for inviting us over. For those of you who haven’t met us, I’m Jacob, and this is Russell, my boyfriend as of yesterday. Han er ret genert, lige sprunget ud og forstår ikke dansk. Det er fint, hvis I bare lader som ingenting og lar’ være med at plage ham med spørgsmål.”[1]

As Jacob switched to Danish, I studied their reactions. I didn’t know what he was saying, but all of the faces seemed kind or accepting, even if some also showed fleeting amusement. After he finished there was a chorus of ‘hellos’ and ‘hi there’, and most of them returned to previous conversations. The dark haired guy waved us over and we skirted the edge of the group and spread our blanket next to him.

“Hi, I’m Oliver. Nice to meet you, Russell.” I nodded, suddenly tongue-tied, and my eyes slid away as soon as he turned to talk to Jacob. But they quickly returned, as sitting next to the first openly gay guy I’d met – apart from my cousin – had me fascinated. And he certainly was worth looking at too.

He had shoulder-length dark brown hair, which was a contrast to the other, mostly blond Danes. His face had a classical beauty with angles and curves in perfect combination. His eyes which met mine without guile were the liquid brown color I’d normally associate with Bambi and similar deer-like creatures. His body was slim and tanned and smooth, even his armpits were shaved. He didn’t come across as feminine, but on the other hand people probably wouldn’t be surprised he was gay. Or maybe that was just because I knew.

I remembered there was another gay guy, and looked around to see if I could spot him. A veritable feast of hot, almost nude male flesh met my questing eyes. Awesome. As I admired them, I automatically compared them to Evan, and this was when the truth hit me. Since last night I’d wondered why I’d never realized I was attracted to men. It seemed so strange.

Even when I’d jerked off, I’d never pictured being with a male. Nor with a female either. My fantasies had been about warm hands caressing me, a hot mouth playing with my nipples or sucking my dick. I’d never let myself picture the person those exploring fingers and lips were attached to, and now I knew why.

Evan had been my ideal of a man forever, but of course he was both unavailable and taboo. In fact, the idea of having sex with him made me slightly queasy. He was my brother and I loved him more than anything, but not like that. Eeww. But until I’d met Jacob, no one had come even close to replacing Evan as the most attractive man I knew, and thus someone to fantasize about.

As I contemplated this interesting fact, I realized something else. I could appreciate other men for their looks, and in Oliver’s case also for the kind and charming behavior he was showing, as he chatted with Jacob and me about our trip around Jutland. He kept speaking English and would direct a question to me now and then, mostly about how I’d like this or that part of Denmark, but respected my reticence. However, if I wandered into absentmindedness, a tap on my nose from Jacob brought me back. If I tried to scowl at my annoying boyfriend, he kissed me, which only made me blush more. Damn.

But at least I could glance around the group while still paying attention to the conversation. Even if I now had no doubts I was gay and would always want to have sex with men, I wasn’t aroused by looking at anyone but Jacob. His body was the only one that had me drooling and only his blue eyes made my knees go weak. It was almost a relief to discover I wasn’t in love with Jacob because he was the first man who’d touched me, but because I genuinely preferred him to any other guy.

Eventually Mathias came over and introduced himself, and not only was he eye-candy in spades, but he was also an utter flirt. He hit on Jacob, Oliver and me, but it was all done in a casual non-threatening way that said ‘I know you guys aren’t available, but you’re hot or sweet or fun to tease. And if you change your mind…’ I still wanted no one but Jacob, even if Mathias was also blond, muscular and had stunning blue eyes to go with his cocky smile.

By then I’d been forced to shed my T-shirt due to the heat. I was embarrassed about wearing nothing but a Speedo in the company of three good-looking gay men and a whole crowd of attractive young people, but I told myself I only cared about Jacob liking me. And I had to trust him, when he told me that I was beautiful in his eyes, as he’d done several times since last night, with words, looks and touches.

At some point Jacob dug out his camera and he took pictures of me with Oliver, Mathias and Kathrine who’d joined us. He had her take several pictures of him and me together, and I blushed when she told us we looked cute. Jacob put his arms around me and nuzzled my neck as I sat in front of him, between his legs. She got us to pose together with Oliver and Mathias, and at the end she whipped out her iPhone and took a few snaps.

She asked another girl to take a photo of her lying across our laps. “I’m going to put this on Facebook and when my boyfriend grumbles, I’ll tell him you’re all gay.” Her friend laughed and so did Oliver and Mathias. I was in the middle and had Kathrine’s pert ass planted in my crotch. All my attention was on subduing my dick. Apparently it enjoyed the novel feeling of sexy butt cheeks up close and personal, so much so, the fact the owner was a girl didn’t matter.

But Jacob’s exclamation killed any budding excitement immediately. “Shit no, you can’t do that. Remember I told you Russell isn’t out. And particularly not to his parents, who won’t approve.” He waved Kathrine over, and she took her phone and the other girl went back to her boyfriend.

By the time Kathrine sat down, I’d hidden my face in Jacob’s shoulder and he rubbed my back gently. His voice was low but serious as he explained. “Faktisk er vi her, fordi vi gemmer os for Russells far. Så ingen fotos eller omtale af ham på Facebook.”[2]

I was grateful he spoke in Danish, even if I knew he was telling them we were hiding and pictures on Facebook with my name tagged could be a disaster. The private investigator might still be on the case. He soon had her promising to keep the pictures private.

Apparently Jacob decided to distract me from the unpleasant subject of my father’s disapproval. “Can I ask you something?” He asked our little group. “Do you think Russell is good-looking?” He’d obviously asked all three of them, because a small chorus of ‘yes’ and ‘of course’ and ‘hell yeah’ ensued. I cringed and blushed, but my boyfriend was relentless. I got the feeling he was determined to deal with this issue once and for all.

“Russell has this idea he’s fat and unattractive, and when I try to tell him otherwise, he thinks it’s just because I’m in love with him. I’d like to have him listen to a few impartial opinions. Please be honest and include those parts which could be improved.” I was utterly mortified; how could Jacob bring up such a personal matter in front of people we barely knew? His lack of respect for my boundaries was so at odds with his usual considerate behavior, it rendered me speechless. What would they think of me?

There was a long, painful silence and only when I felt a hand pat mine and heard Oliver’s soft voice, did I look up. “Russell, do you really see yourself that way or are you just being coy? All of us can see you’re attractive, you know.” His questions were so unexpected; I’d met his compassionate brown eyes, before I could help it. Somehow he must have read the answer in my gaze, because he squeezed my hand.

“Oh, honey, I’m sorry. For doubting and for whatever made you feel like that. Please don’t feel upset. Is it any help if I tell you I was a chubby teenager, who was on the verge of developing an eating disorder, because I hated my own body?”

I looked at his toned body and my disbelief must have been obvious.

Oliver let out a small giggle. “Yeah well the same thing happened to me, except it was dancing rather than camping. I fell in love with this guy who was a fitness and dance fanatic. So I signed up for classes in the gym where he worked during weekends. I discovered I loved dancing, and I found out he liked me too. And he had a lot of …ehm… stamina.”

He blushed and it dawned on me why Jacob said it was cute when I did the same thing.

“After a year or so of healthy eating and lots of physical activities in and out of bed, I no longer had any issues with my body or with being gay or not having any friends.”

I gulped and hugged him, and I think both of us were surprised at the impulsive act. But it was such a relief to know someone, who’d been in my shoes and gotten past his problem. When I let go, his brown eyes were moist, but soon lit up with mischief.

“Anyway, Russell, I can see you neglected your body for a while, but you’ve lost any excessive weight now. You don’t have to go on a diet, just keep exercising. Swimming is good, and so is cycling. Oh and have Jacob take you dancing in one of the clubs when you get back to Copenhagen.” Oliver delivered his advice so casually and kindly, it was hard to take offense.

His hand came up and twirled a lock of my hair. “Get a haircut but not short, because it would be a shame to lose these pretty locks. They just need to have the dry ends trimmed off and maybe a treatment to repair the damage from too much sun and salt water.”

Oliver tilted my chin up to meet my gaze again. “And stop looking down all the time, those shy green eyes are captivating.”

I heard a snort from the other side and turned to look at Mathias. “How about telling Russell how good he looks even if he doesn’t do all of that stuff? And warn him about sticking close to his boyfriend if he goes to any clubs. Otherwise this innocent lamb might be gobbled up by one of the big bad wolves.”

His tone was joking, but somehow I knew he meant it and I shrank back into Jacob’s arms.

“I’m not trying to scare you, Russell, but you’re young, pretty, cute, and completely unaware how sexy you are. I’m glad you’ve found yourself a protective boyfriend, and I’m guessing only his scowls have kept the predators away so far.”

I looked up at my Viking and almost giggled when I saw his expression. A ridiculous mixture of annoyance at the way Mathias was letting his eyes roam over me, and smugness that his opinion of me was shared.

At this point Kathrine decided to add her views. “Yeah Russell, you’re definitely gorgeous, but even more important you’re sweet. You know, kind and polite and never putting yourself first. But maybe you need to work on your self-confidence a bit. Not just about your looks, but about the inside stuff too. Don’t let people push you around or tell you what to do or think. Including your boyfriend, no matter how hot and persuasive he is.”

The sharp but teasing look she gave Jacob helped ease the tension her words caused me. I knew she was right and I’d spent most of my life bending to the will of other people, mainly my father, but also to Evan and most recently to my cousin. I’d ignored my own wants and wishes and dreams. It was almost scary how well this girl could read me after only meeting me twice.

By now it was almost noon and the whole group decided to go swimming to cool down before going home for lunch. Most of them were staying in summerhouses near the beach or camping in the official campground. The water was great and it was fun to fool around and swim. They had several nerf balls, which they soaked with water and threw hard. Soon we were part of a game involving either hitting each other with the balls or throwing them just out of reach so you had to run, stretch and throw yourself in the water to catch them.

Sounds silly but it had us all laughing and shouting and splashing around in the hip deep water, until I was out of breath. It was the first time in ages I’d felt part of a group of peers, even if most of them were older than me. After spending half an hour in the water, everyone got out and the group split up. We told them we might be back in the afternoon, but otherwise we’d see them again the next day.

As we walked back to our tent, Jacob held my hand and I felt happy and carefree and relaxed. I couldn’t believe that less than twenty-four hours ago I’d still been totally clueless about my feelings for him. Being boyfriends seemed so natural, so right, I wondered why I’d never considered being gay. But that’s me I guess, oblivious and brilliant at avoiding uncomfortable issues.

The fact that other people accepted us so easily here blew my mind away. Oh, I knew we wouldn’t get that everywhere, and especially not with some of our relatives, but at least my first experience of being out had been a good one. I’ll always be grateful to that random group of young Danes for their relaxed attitudes. Even if I never saw any of them again, though I thought we might stay in touch with Oliver and Kathrine.