Redemption's A Bitch - 9. Waiting For Wild Horses

“Hey Shas,” Kieran stretched as he stood in the doorway, the dogs milling around his feet.

“Morning,” Shastan smiled to his orange juice, and then glanced up suddenly, “you’ve been out already?”

“Yeah.” Kieran tore off his t-shirt and used it to wipe the sweat from his forehead and neck. “We went for a run.”

“It’s only half seven now.” Shastan frowned looking at the dogs as they alternately dropped onto the cool stone tile floor or stuck their muzzles into the oversized steel water trough. The air was full of panting and sloshing. “Are you OK?”

“Sure,” Kieran used the last dry patches of his shirt to dry his abs and grinned in a slightly manic manner, “I just woke up early and decided it would be nice to run on the beach before it got closed to the dogs.”

“You ran to the beach?” Shastan gaped at him, “you’ve not been running in forever. You have company?”

Kieran shrugged.

“I ran into this kid, you remember the chef from the Fish and Antlers?” Shastan began to nod, “this was his boyfriend. He runs the metal club on the seafront. The dogs liked him.” Kieran crouched down and ruffled Inu’s ears. The husky looked up at him without raising his chin from the cool tile, but he waggled his curly tail in response. “It was fun.”

“Who are you and what have you done with my brooding cousin?” Shastan held out a large glass of water which Kieran instantly gulped down. “Seriously, you’re in a better mood now than you’ve been in ages. It’s nice.”

“How long until the wedding?” Kieran asked between more watery slurps.

“Nine days.” Shastan looked sideways at him. “I swear Kier, if you haven’t got a suit and a speech…”

“Don’t sweat.” Kieran smiled. “Nine days? Can’t wait that long.”

“Huh?” But Kieran didn’t elucidate for his cousin, clicked to the dogs and set off upstairs in search of a shower and fresh clothes.

It had been a good run, and nice to have company. Despite being a tiny bastard, the metal-head sure had a long stride on him. The dogs had loped alongside as they’d run, and now they were only too happy to go back to sleep for several hours. Better than the run though, had been waking up to the image of Robin in his head, the little Sparrow smiling at him under the orange streetlamp. No one had smiled at him like that in longer than Kieran could remember. Robin hadn’t been trying to get anything from him, hadn’t been expecting anything. It was just a smile, all soft around the corners and shining in his eyes. Kieran had thought about kissing him again every second breath ever since.

Robin had said they would meet at the wedding, but Kieran didn’t want to wait that long. He also did not want to get back onto Robin’s shit-list by bugging him. Even Kieran had to admit that his level of unanswered phone messages had previously reached stalkerish levels. He didn’t want to go back there again. In the years since he’d become an adult and started screwing around, Kieran had never really wanted anyone more than once. He almost never went back to any casual hook up or partner: particularly useful when they happened to be boyfriends of his acquaintances. And he never imagined it either. But something about Robin had captured his mind, and after two unreciprocated kisses, Kieran was snared.

In the shower he worked a rich natural conditioner through his yard-long hair, and dreamt about Robin. He loved the idea he might one day have the boy in his arms, and he wanted it to be one day soon. Standing under the orange street lamps in town, the young man had looked strong, all taut lines and contrasting shadows, and Kieran closed his eyes, leant back against the shower wall and ran his long fingers down his own abdomen in delicious anticipation. He wanted to touch Robin’s body, to kiss him, hold his chin in his fingers and run his hands through the boy’s soft, wavy hair. Kieran was about to give in to the warm, trembling sensation between his thighs when his conscience decided to kick in.

You’re getting ahead of yourself there.

Kieran growled in frustration.

You know what Callé said; you’ve got to try and be his friend.

And I told him that I couldn’t just be his friend. Kieran told himself sternly. Can I go back to jerking off in peace now?

His inner voice had fallen silent, but the moment was lost, and Kieran shut off the shower and began to rub himself dry with a large fluffy towel, feeling horny and betrayed by his own body. He’d woken up before dawn, feeling alone in the bed because Shadow had abandoned him in favour of the thick pile rug near the biggest corner sofa, and rather than fall back to sleep, or indulge in an overdue liaison with his left hand, he’d gotten up and dressed and gone for a run. The truth was, he didn’t want to reduce Robin to a simple fantasy in the way he had with so many others. The boy was clearly not a one night stand or a random, convenient hook up. The way he had wound himself into Kieran’s brain was anything other than convenient. Kieran had been very happy with his life the way it was, but now he couldn’t remember what had occupied his thoughts before the moment he’d seen Robin standing in the doorway.

Finally dressed and with his hair dry and silky, Kieran padded back downstairs, trailed by the dogs, to find Shastan in the chapel, flicking through a couple of white notecards: he looked sad.

“Shas?” Kieran began to wind his hair into a pair of customary braids, “Cus?”

“I’m fine,” Shastan went to tuck the cards into his pocket, “I was just working on my vows.”

“Then why do you look like you just found one of Shadow’s hairs in your kitchen?” Kieran asked. The one and only rule Shastan had given him, upon handing the fluffy black puppy to fifteen-year-old Kieran, was that the dog was never allowed in the test kitchen. Kieran had, of course, let Shadow follow him in there on a search one day for chocolate drops, and Shastan had found the evidence. He’d not been pleased.

“It’s hard, trying to work out what you’re going to say to the woman you love in front of everyone you both know,” Shastan waved a hand dismissively, “not that you’ll ever have that problem.”

“Hey-!”

“You know what I mean Kier.”

“Gay marriage is legal now. I could settle down, adopt kids…”

“Yeah, sure,” Shastan rolled his eyes.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Oh, c’mon cus. I know what you’re like, we’ve lived together long enough. You flirt with anything with a dick and you sleep around fairly indiscriminately. You’ve never had a serious relationship, unless you count the dogs,” Shastan shrugged, as though his enunciation of harsh-truths was inevitable. “Why do you think I never introduced you to Robin? ‘Cause I knew what you’d do.”

“And what was that?” Kieran’s tone was acidic.

“Screw around, sleep with him, and then drop him like a stone.”

“Did he say that?”

“He didn’t have to. I saw how he was at the rehearsal dinner. He couldn’t get far enough away from you.”

“Is that all you think of me?” Kieran growled. “This is all Becca isn’t it? I know she hates me,” Kieran snarled, hunching his shoulders, “and when you two get back from your honeymoon she’s gonna fuckin’ live here. As though the situation wasn’t bad enough.”

“You can always move out.”

Kieran gaped at his cousin as Shadow growled. He’d been fourteen, scared and unsure, growing into cockiness and hormones, and everything about his confident teenage demeanour had come crashing down around him when he’d learnt of his parents deaths. He’d been fourteen and Shastan had told him he was home, that this would always be home for as long as he wanted.

“Kier! Wait, I’m sorry!”

“You heartless bastard.”

“Kieran!”

“NO!” Kieran turned away from his only living relative, “not right now Shas. I turn around now, and I’m going to hit you. Don’t touch me!” Kieran had felt the heat of his cousin’s hand close to his shoulder. “I’m going into town. Watch the dogs,” he clicked to Shadow, “come!”

He was in too much of a prickly mood to stop and get anything, and Kieran jumped the brick wall between the back garden and the main area out front. The gates opened for him as he stomped up the driveway; they weren’t automatic, and Shastan must’ve opened them for him. Shadow trotted along at his heels as Kieran headed into town. It was becoming unbearably hot, and halfway along the length of Dyke Road, Kieran jumped onto the next bus and sat up top with Shadow blissed out on the cool lino floor. He was angry with his cousin, and didn't feel much like going home before seeing the kids. It would soon be the end of term, and while it was nice not to have to tie up his super flexible schedule to be at the school gates every day at three, he missed the daily interactions. Not that he wouldn't see Katy, Bailey and Benji at all; there were a few days here and there where Callé had begged him, unnecessarily, to look after them all day. The thought of seeing the kids made him happy, but not enough to eclipse what Shastan had said.

Kieran knew that as soon as his cousin had spoken, he had regretted what he’d said. Shastan was never deliberately cruel. Kieran knew his cousin was a good person, quiet generally, and sort of softly reclusive. Like Kieran, he subsidized several charities and had set up various scholarship programs and bursaries, mostly in high-end cuisine education. Kieran knew there were a dozen small business and patisseries that wouldn’t exist without his cousin. And Shastan knew about most of Kieran’s interests, so it stung to have his only living relative call him shallow. He knew it was Rebecca’s influence, they’d never truly gotten along, and she had always thought his relationship with her boyfriend-now-fiancé bizarre. Sometimes they were close as brothers, but even when living in the same house, Kieran could go for whole weeks quite happily without laying eyes on his only living relative. When Rebecca had first started being at the house more full time, Kieran had walked down his staircase to find her about to enter into his rooms. He’d growled and told her in no uncertain terms to keep out of his territory, and ever since she had treated him like a silly over-possessive teenager.

Kieran in turn, hated the way she had shown up and instantly assumed a place in their world, as soon as she and Shastan had gotten serious and started talking about The Big Bright Future, Rebecca had been walking around with a sense of entitlement that irked Kieran. At least his cousin was sensible, or rather, their accountants were, and the pair of them had signed an iron clad pre-nup they both said was completely unnecessary. Kieran didn’t think Rebecca was a gold-digger, far from it, but she seemed to love to remind Kieran that most people didn’t get a choice about a lot of the things he took for granted.

“So what if she thinks I’m a lazy rich-kid?” Kieran asked Shadow, who wuffed softly and cocked an ear at his master, “she’s just a girl.”

With nothing much to do, Kieran wandered through town towards the library, and settled himself down to read, his chair tucked between a bookshelf of modern poetry, and a display stand decorated with a large paper dragon. Shadow curled himself into a surprisingly small ball for such a large dog and half-hid under the easy chair, his muzzle next to Kieran’s feet. As per usual, people stared, but no one commented. Kieran and his dogs were allowed pretty much anywhere, even when they weren’t. He'd picked up something at random, and for the next three hours immersed himself in a rather detailed history about the rise and fall of the tiny town of Nome, Alaska. Kieran was a fast reader, and he liked to educate himself about things on a rather ad-hoc basis. Knowledge was not general, as Alan Bennett had famously written, but specific. Kieran rather liked knowing an awful lot about an awful lot, especially since it was very unexpected of him.

Eventually Shadow wiggled out from his hiding place, stretched and yawned with a creaking of his jaw, and Kieran finished up his book and headed out to the park in the middle of the city. Shadow, for all his stoic intelligence, loved to play the puppy when the other dogs weren’t around, and Kieran bought a tennis ball from a sports shop and the pair played fetch until Kieran's shoulder hurt from lobbing the ball as far as he could towards the church. He still had a few hours to kill before school let out, and looking down at his well-cut jeans, with holes in and grass stained knees, and a t-shirt which was almost certainly hanging on its last few threads, Kieran decided to go shopping.

Kieran shopped in a rather odd style, which to him was rather natural. He was rich enough not to care about the price of what he bought in any conceivable manner, and while he was tall enough to make buying the right length trousers awkward, he was a rather easy sort of shape to dress. They wandered through the twisted streets together and Shadow picked out the shop with its name written in bold flapper-showgirl style marquee lights. Kieran ruffled his soft ears and wandered in ahead of his four legged companion.

“Mister Tristan Toyne! And Shadow!”

“Hey Zan.” Kieran blinked in the comforting gloom of his favourite clothes store. “How’s things?”

“Fabulous, thank you.” Zander reached down behind the main desk and brought up a handful of dog biscuits. “How’s my second favourite boy then?”

“How is Caesar?”

“He’s great, grew up a little bigger than we expected, though he’s not got anything on your boys.” Zander’s eyes glanced up and down his body. “So are we dressing you today?”

“Please.” Kieran shrugged self depreciatingly. “I’d be lost without you.”

“And what does sir fancy today?”

“I like the window display, all the greens… do something with that?”

Zander beamed. Kieran knew he was a favourite customer, easily suggestible and with an almost unlimited budget, and he liked Zander’s particular brand of camp and happy chatter. Kieran spent much of the next hour in his boxers in the dressing room trying on an assortment of garments that Zander handed him, and being shown photos from Zander’s husband’s most recent sporting exploits. He had Zander dump his other garments. What could would be salvaged for textile recycling. Zander was good at things like that. Kieran left the shop in deep green chino’s, green and white deck shoes and a scoop necked plaid printed t-shirt. The thin fabrics allowed the breeze to show off the shape of his body, and while Kieran was normally happier in black, he liked the look. He un-braided his hair, and was scooping the silky mass into a low ponytail when his shoulder clipped a young man coming around the corner of another street.

“Kieran!”

Kieran felt his heart suddenly race, beating triple-time as he turned towards the voice.

“Sparrow?”

“Hey,” Robin smiled at him. The expression was brighter than the early afternoon sun. “You look nice.”

“Um, thanks. I’ve just been shopping.”

“Nice change from jeans. I was starting to think you didn’t own anything else.”

Kieran frowned.

“You’ve seen me in a suit.,” he offered, “what are you doing in town?”

“University?” Robin arched an eyebrow, “I am in most days y’know.” He stopped to look down, although not that far down, at Shadow, “and the rest of your entourage?”

“I left them with Shas.”

“Oh Becca will be pleased,” Robin rolled his eyes, “you know she’s scared of them?”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Robin looked rather satisfied with himself, “convinced one of them will try and eat her one day. She told me after the rehearsal dinner.”

“She doesn’t like me.”

“That’s OK, I like you.”

“Huh?” Kieran blinked, because Robin seemed to have spoken without inserting spaces between the words.

“So where are you going, looking all fancy?”

“The park.” Kieran smiled softly. “You wanna join us?” Robin frowned. “You must be done with lectures for the day. I remember uni… the short days in the summer; early closing.”

“You went to university?” Robin sounded shocked.

“Of course. Double first in mechanical engineering and business.”

“Really?” Robin had turned to walk with him, and Shadow hovered around and on their heels, herding Robin closer to his master. “I’d never have guessed. What were you going to do with that education?”

“Race. But that’s not so important now. You’ll come to the park? I’ll buy you ice cream.”

“I’m not five,” Robin fell into closer step beside him as they headed out of the main shopping area of town, “but I’ll come.

“Good.” Kieran smirked. “We just have to make one stop off first.”

*

“Uncle Tristan!”

“Hey Benji!” Kieran scooped up the running boy, his sister stopping to collect his fallen book bag, “big day at school?”

“We wrote about what we want our summer to be like.”

“Oh really.”

“I drew a picture too.” Kieran completed the balancing act of holding a small child while taking the proffered drawing to examine it. Benji was not artistically gifted, unlike his brother, but the image of him standing with Vuka was unmistakable. “That’s really cool Benji. I’ll make sure Vuka comes around for lots of visits.”

“Uncle Tristan? Who’s your friend?” Katy peered at Robin with one eyebrow raised, then looked away quickly.

“Oh guys, this is Robin,” he smiled as he put Benji down, “Robin, meet Benji, the lovely lady is Katy, and this talented young man,” Bailey smiled in a self-depreciating manner, “is Bailey.”

“Hi Robin,” the three of them chorused.

“Um… hi,” Robin gave him a panicked look and leant close, “Kieran…”

“This is OK right?” Kieran smiled at the boy, relishing in the lack of distance between them. He savoured the scent of Robin standing so close to him, the heat from his skin palpable under the afternoon sun. “Just smile.”

“Is he coming to the park with us?” Bailey asked.

“I hope so,” Kieran grinned, “but he says he doesn’t like ice cream…”

“Hey!” Robin objected.

It was all the encouragement the children needed, and soon Kieran and his extended entourage were making their way on the familiar route from the school gates to the park. Robin fell into step beside him as Bailey and Katy kept an eye on their little brother.

“Uncle Tristan?” Robin smirked, “really?”

“Yeah,” Kieran didn’t rise to the bait, “I understand if you wanna bail, not everyone likes kids…”

“No, it’s fine,” Robin frowned at him, whilst still managing to smile, “just kind of unexpected. I never pegged you for the babysitting type.” He knocked Kieran’s bicep with his shoulder. “You’re kinda full of surprises, aren’t you?”

Kieran smiled, but didn’t answer him.

The park was busy, and full of sun and big leafy trees casting dappled shade. Kieran declared that everyone had to burn off some energy before ice cream, and Shadow obediently chased the children around the park in circles while they screamed and squealed in delighted terror. Kieran left Robin watching them, and returned from the kiosk with a selection of ice creams and sodas.

“I want the chocolate one!” Benji shrieked.

“Guests first, bro.” Bailey smile up at Robin. “Which one would you like Mister Robin?”

“Ummm…” Robin glanced at Kieran, their eyes meeting with a soft sort of connection, hugely different from the glaring matches that had come before. It dawned on Kieran that the young man didn’t want to upset anybody by choosing the wrong thing. He used a free finger to tap the side of a double chocolate Cornetto. Robin picked it. “This one.”

“Aww Uncle Tristan, he took yours.” Bailey grabbed his traditional orange Calippo and handed a chocolate mini milk to his brother. Katy took her ninety-nine with flake, leaving Kieran holding a lemonade ice-lolly.

“Sorry,” Robin offered the Cornetto to him, but Kieran waved it away, “thank you.”

Bailey wanted to play on the roundabout with his sister, and with Benji safely installed on a sprung rocking horse, Kieran and Robin took seats on the swings with their ice creams. Kieran swung gently, rocking on his heels, watching Robin watching the kids. Running into him had been hugely unexpected, but sitting in the park, Kieran realised that he’d forgotten to be annoyed ever since he’d laid eyes on the young man. He couldn’t think of a single better way to spend the afternoon than under the sun and shade with the boy he wanted to adore.

“So, I mean, who are they?” Robin munched on his wafer cone thoughtfully, “they call you Uncle Tristan, but I mean you’re obviously not their actual uncle…”

“We sort of discovered each other in the park about three years ago,” Kieran smiled, “I’m their go-to-guy. Babysitter, au pair, whatever they need.”

“But why?” Robin turned on his swing, twisting the chains with a creak. “Why give up your time to look after them? Their mum doesn’t pay you does she?”

“And what would be the point of that?” Kieran arched an eyebrow. “No, their mother doesn’t pay me. Callé and Rob are friends, now. It’s just… fun. I enjoy their company, the kids are cool, and it gives me a great excuse to hang out in the park, or take them go-karting, or a bunch of other cool things you can’t do once you stop being a teenager.”

“Adults still go do that stuff.”

“Yeah?” Kieran looked at him sideways, “and when was the last time you went bowling for instance?”

“Um… not since we were first years at college.”

“See.”

“Really? Bowling?”

Kieran shook his head at Robin’s derisive tone.

“Dude, the bowling arcade has air hockey. Totally worth it.”

“Are we going bowling?” Benji bounced up to them, his smile slightly sticky with left over ice cream and sugar, “is Robin coming?”

“Not today bud, sorry,” Kieran could barely stand the sudden disappointment that marred Benji’s expression. “I’m sure if you ask very nicely he might join us next week. School’s letting out early on Wednesday right?” He smiled at Robin, and while the young man rolled his eyes, he nodded in agreement. “I promise.”

Benji scampered off to tell his siblings the good news, and Kieran turned to smile at Robin.

“It’s a date.”

“It’s not a date.” Robin replied, but he was smiling.

“Uh-huh.”