Walking the Line - 1. Walking the Line

“I’ll see your fifty and raise you a hundred.” I slid the money to the center of the table and sat back in my chair. I had a great poker face, and did my best to maintain it. I knew Josie well enough to know she was bluffing. I intended to call that bluff, no matter how much it cost me.

The other four players folded in rapid succession, leaving only my best friend and me left in the round. She narrowed her eyes, scrutinizing my face for any ‘tells’. I raised an eyebrow. “Well? In or out?”

“In. You’re bluffing.” She added another hundred to the pile of money in the center of the table. “Ok, show ‘em, big shot.”

I grinned as I spread my cards out face up. “Full house. Read ‘em and weep.” I reached for the money, sure of my victory.

“Not so fast there, mister.” Josie spread her cards out with a flourish. “Last time I checked, four aces beats a full house.” She dragged the pile of money in front of her with a self-satisfied smirk.

“What? I thought for sure you were bluffing!”

She laughed. “I know you did. I could have taken you for a lot more, too. You should thank me for letting you keep some of your money.”

I groaned. My money pile had dwindled significantly. It was just a matter of time before it was all gone. Granted, it was only Monopoly money, but we took our poker games very seriously. Josie, Brandon, and I had started the tradition in college. Brandon was my roommate and old high school friend, and our dorm room was right across from the laundry room. That meant that we had a steady stream of friends stopping in when they needed clean clothes. We started the weekly poker games to keep ourselves entertained while waiting for the washers and dryers to finish. Our original form of currency was M&M candies, with different colors assigned different values; the green ones were worth the most. We eventually graduated to Monopoly money, since we kept eating the M&Ms.

Brandon met Carson after we graduated, and they became immediate best friends. They both had the same quirky sense of humor. Aiden and Cassie were recent additions to our crew. They lived in Josie’s apartment complex and met while swimming in the community pool. This was only their second game with us, but they fit right in.

My phone buzzed, and I checked the text message I received.

“Who is it this time?” Josie asked, frowning slightly.

“No one you know. I am going to have to call it an evening, though. You can clean me out next time.”

“Gee, you’d rather get laid than get your ass handed to you on a platter? What the hell’s wrong with you?” Brandon snickered.

I smirked. “Oh, I’ll be getting my ass handed to me, alright. Or rather, I’ll be handling some very nice ass.”

Josie rolled her eyes. “You’re such a pig.”

“And you love me for it.”

“More like despite it.”

“Ouch, Pussycat.” I fake winced.

“Stuff it, ‘Alexander’,” she retorted.

It was a familiar exchange. We’d known each other since high school where I dubbed her ‘Pussycat’ after the ‘70s cartoon show “Josie and the Pussycats”. Alexander was the band’s less than stellar manager.

“It looks like you’re the big loser tonight, Nick. Better start cleaning your place, since next week it’s your turn to host,” stated Carson.

“Ha. Ha. My place isn’t that bad.”

“That’s what you think.”

“You don’t like it, don’t come.”

That produced a chorus of ‘oooo’s and giggles from my group of friends.

“Yeah, like I’d miss the opportunity to see you pay up. You haven’t lost in months. If you hadn’t lost tonight, I’d swear you and the wife were conspiring against us.”

“I’ve got news for you, Carson,” I said. “We are conspiring against you.” I stood and kissed Josie on the cheek before saying my goodbyes to the rest of my friends and heading out the door.

I texted my ‘date’ after I slid into the driver’s seat of my car and made arrangements to meet at my place. We’d been hooking up for several months now, and I felt comfortable enough with him to invite him over. He was a great lay and not clingy – just how I liked them.

I had just finished showering when Taylor knocked on my door. I wrapped a towel around my waist and padded to the door. I felt a nice stirring below in anticipation of my night. I opened the door, and Taylor smirked as his gaze travelled up and down my body.

“Are you going to let me in, or do I just get to stand here and ogle you all night?”

I stepped aside and Taylor ripped my towel off before placing a hand behind my neck and pulling me roughly to him. He kissed me aggressively as he reached down with his other hand. I felt his lips curl into a smile as he felt the immediate effect his dominance had on me. I was usually the aggressor – and generally preferred it that way – but sometimes I loved it when my partner took control. Taylor and I had been together enough times now that we were pretty familiar with each other’s bodies and what turned us on. This was a side of himself that he hadn’t shown me yet, and I loved it.

I woke to a smack on my half-covered ass and rubbed my eyes blearily. “Huh? What time is it?”

“Two a.m. I need to go.” Taylor was already dressed and standing in the doorway of my bedroom.

“Yeah, ok.” I sat up and stretched my arms above my head. “Tonight was really hot, but don’t get used to it. Next time, your ass is mine.” I grinned.

He laughed. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.” He winked. “See ya, Nick.”

“See ya.”

I headed to the bathroom as Taylor headed out the door. After relieving myself, I collapsed back into bed, but sleep eluded me despite the hot sex I had just had. I moved my arm to the empty side of my bed and sighed. I rolled onto my side and drew my extra pillow close. I wasn’t missing Taylor, but I was missing something from my life. I hadn’t been spending a lot of time in my apartment and I thought about why. I could chalk it up to being busy with work, going out with friends, and random hook-ups, but in my heart I knew it ran deeper than that. I was thirty-one years old and had never had a serious relationship. My friends were pretty much all married off now, except for Josie.

Josie was the polar opposite of me when it came to dating. While I was sleeping with a different guy every weekend, Josie very rarely dated. When she did, it never seemed to go well. I didn’t understand why, since I considered her quite the catch. I was probably a little biased though, since she was my best friend.

Josie and I met in high school. She sat behind me in ninth grade English and used to hum the Jeopardy theme low enough for only me to hear every time the teacher asked me a question. It flustered me to the point where I was usually unable to answer in a coherent manner. We started studying together, and it didn’t take long before we were hanging out every day. She admitted that she wanted to get to know me better because she had a crush on me, but not long after that I came out to her, and she took it in stride.

Most people in our high school thought we were dating, and we didn’t dissolve them of that notion. If asked, I didn’t deny my sexuality, but I didn’t officially come out until my first year of college.

Josie and I ended up attending the same college, and it proved to be the first real test of our friendship. Being in the closet during high school meant that I didn’t date, and the freedom of being out and accepted was very intoxicating. I spent the majority of my time with any guy I could, which meant less time spent with my best friend. She didn’t understand why I was with a different guy every weekend, and she spent most of her time on her studies. It took me getting into a bad relationship and almost flunking out, to get our friendship back on track.

Although we worked in different fields, we ended up settling down in the same town. I hadn’t changed much from college, though. I still had a different man in my bed every weekend (and some weeknights) and had no plans on settling down anytime soon. Or so I thought.

I wanted something more from life. I never thought I’d want to settle down with anyone, but the urge to share more than my bed was becoming rather powerful. I made a mental list of traits a potential mate needed to have: a great sense of humor; putting up with my mood swings; a decent cook; and excellent in the sack. I eventually fell into a fitful sleep full of restless dreams.

“So how was your ‘date’ last night?” Josie played with her napkin, avoiding my eyes. She’d been acting funny since we arrived at the restaurant.

I took two large gulps of coffee before answering. I couldn’t stop the smile from spreading over my face as I thought about how Taylor pinned my arms above my head as he took me roughly. “Great. Why do you think I’m so tired this morning?”

She frowned slightly as she shredded her napkin.

“What’s going on? Something’s bothering you, I can tell.”

She exhaled slowly and met my worried gaze. “Don’t you ever want more from life than just random hook-ups?”

I winced. She hit a little too close to the thoughts that had kept me awake half the night. I shrugged. “Sometimes. I haven’t met the man that I want to settle down with yet. So far, none of them have interested me outside of the bedroom.”

Josie’s face darkened so briefly that I questioned whether or not I actually saw it. “You deserve better than that, you know.”

I frowned. “Sex is fun. You oughta try it sometime.” I meant to add a little levity to our conversation, but it had the opposite effect.

“Some of us want more than just instant gratification.” She threw the remains of her napkin down and stormed off to the bathroom. I stared after her, taken aback by her reaction. We frequently joked about my promiscuity and her lack of a sex life.

My gaze fell upon the table next to us as I directed my attention away from my testy best friend. It was an older couple, and the man held the woman’s hand across the table. There was something so familiar about the looks they exchanged and the way they interacted. I smiled into my coffee cup and wondered how long they had been together. I hoped I was lucky enough to be looking at the man I loved the same way one day.

Josie’s mood had not improved when she returned to the table. I did my best to try and cheer her up, but gave up when I realized she needed some space. My attention kept drifting to the table next to ours during lulls in our awkward conversation. We ate our breakfast and parted ways with a kiss on the cheek.

As I drove home, I couldn’t stop thinking about the old couple in the restaurant. I was confused as to why they were having such a profound effect on me. They were like any other couple I’d seen a hundred times. Hell, our friends always teased Josie and me about acting like an old married couple. My eyes widened in shock and I slammed on my brakes in order to avoid rear-ending the stopped car in front of me. My hands trembled on the steering wheel and I shook my head in denial. I realized that the reason the look the old couple gave each other was so familiar was because it was the same way that Josie looked at me. The car behind me honked its horn, snapping me out of my reverie. I pulled forward and drove home.

I was too restless to stay home long, so I grabbed my duffel bag and headed for the gym. I ran on the treadmill for over an hour, trying to run away from my thoughts. How could Josie be in love with me? She had a crush on me in high school, but we hadn’t been in high school for a long time. A lot of things suddenly made sense to me. Josie’s lack of relationships. Her disapproval of my casual flings. The way her face lit up when she saw me. Two hours later I was back home, trying everything I could to not think about Josie. Of course, that only made me think of her more. After the Internet, TV, and books failed to distract me, I texted Taylor. He responded almost immediately, and an hour later I was furiously pounding him into my mattress. When we were finished, I curled up into his side and fell asleep.

“Nick. Wake up, man.”

I woke to gentle shoving. “Hmmm?”

“Wake up, I gotta go.”

My arm was wrapped firmly around someone and I nuzzled into their shoulder. “I love you, Josie,” I mumbled.

“What? Who the hell is Josie? Nick, I really like you, but you know I’m not looking for a relationship.”

I sat up, and Taylor got out of the bed. “What are you talking about? Neither am I. That’s why we work so well together.”

“You just said ‘I love you, Josie’. What the hell’s going on? You’re never this clingy.”

“Sorry. I’m just going through some stuff right now.”

“Ok, well just as long as you know a relationship is off the table.” Taylor looked at me strangely.

“Yeah. I know.”

“I gotta go. Bye, Nick.”

“Bye, Taylor.” He headed out the door, and I collapsed back into bed. I had a feeling I wasn’t going to see him again.

*****

I love you, Josie. Those words kept echoing through my head. Where the hell did they come from? Was I in love with my best friend the way she loved me? How was that even possible? I was gay! I liked men, not women!

“Earth to Nick.” Carson waved a hand in front of my face. I looked at him. “Are you going to call?”

I looked at my cards and the cards on the table. I had a horrible hand and set my cards down. “No, I fold.”

“What’s going on with you? Did you and the wifey have a fight?”

Josie had cancelled at the last minute, so she wasn’t at our weekly poker game. She said she wasn’t feeling well. I shook my head. “No. I’m just really distracted today.”

Brandon smirked and winked. “I recognize that look. Somebody’s in love.” He drew out the last word in a sing-song voice, much like a six-year-old.

I sat straight up, and I’m sure my face paled. How the hell could he tell? “What the hell are you talking about?”

“You can barely concentrate. You’re losing your shirt, and you get a really stupid grin on your face every once in a while. So who’s the lucky guy?”

“I really don’t want to talk about this right now.”

Carson snickered. “I can’t believe someone actually managed to tame you. He must be some guy.”

“Maybe it’s not a guy,” Cassie said softly.

I flinched as if she had struck me.

Brandon laughed. “Yeah, maybe he finally pulled his head out of his ass and realized he’s in love with Josie.”

I stood up, sending my chair flying backwards from the force of my movement. “Fuck you, Bran.” I grabbed my coat and fled out the front door.

*****

Josie had been telling the truth about not feeling well. She was sick with a stomach bug, and a week later she stood in my apartment doorway with Chinese take-out in one hand and a bag of movies in the other. She looked at me and frowned. “Damn, Nick. I thought I was the one who’d been sick. Are you ok? You look exhausted.”

I smiled as I took the bags from her and walked into the kitchen. “I’m fine. I’ve just been having some trouble sleeping, is all.”

“What’s his name?” She bumped my shoulder with hers as she took a couple of plates from my kitchen cabinet.

“For your information…I haven’t had sex all week,” I huffed.

She raised an eyebrow. “Now I know you’re sick.”

“Ha. Ha.” I scooped some of the beef with broccoli onto my plate and took a bite of an egg roll. I grabbed a can of pop and followed Josie into the living room. She selected an action flick and popped it into the DVD player. After we finished eating, Josie nestled into my side, and I put my arm around her. It was a familiar position for us, but my newfound revelation had me viewing the experience in a completely different light. The floral scent of Josie’s favorite perfume permeated my nostrils, and I inhaled deeply. I felt a pull down below that I had only previously associated with men. I shifted, trying to hide the effect that holding my best friend in my arms was having on me. I was confused. We’d cuddled like this many times before. Why was this the first time I was having this reaction?

Josie smacked my leg. “What do you have ants in your pants or something? Stay still, for Pete’s sake.”

“Uh…I gotta pee.” She straightened up as I rose and headed into the bathroom. I splashed some cold water on my face and sat on the closed toilet. I needed to pull myself together before going back out there. I had done a lot of thinking in the week since I saw her last, and I gathered my courage for the conversation I knew we needed to have. I dried my face and walked back to the living room.

I don’t remember any of the movie we watched, because I was too distracted by my emotions. My resolve strengthened during the two hours the movie played, and when it was over I knew in my heart that telling her about my feelings was the right thing to do.

I muted the sound on the TV as the credits played, and turned to face my best friend. It was dark, and the only light in the room came from the TV and the kitchen. The dim lighting softened Josie’s features, and she looked stunning as she smiled at me. “What? You’re giving me a really strange look.”

I laughed softly. “I love you, you know.”

Her features hardened almost imperceptibly before softening again. “I know. We’ve known each other a long time, Nick.”

“Do you remember the people at the table next to us at the restaurant last week? That old couple?”

She shook her head. “Not really. I wasn’t exactly in the best mood that day.”

“Yeah, tell me about it. Well, I remember them. In fact, I couldn’t stop thinking about them because they had what I can only hope to have some day.” I paused and inhaled before continuing. “Then I realized…I already do.”

“Nick, you’re not making any sense. What on earth are you talking about?”

“You could see how much in love they were. I almost got into an accident when I realized that they looked just like us.”

Josie frowned and looked away. “Nick…don’t,” she whispered.

“I have to. I love you, Josie.” I took her hand. “I’m just sorry I didn’t see it before.”

She tried pulling her hand away, but I held on tightly. “I hate to state the obvious here Nick, but you’re gay. You sleep with a different guy every week. I don’t know what you’re trying to pull here, but it’s not funny.”

“I’m not laughing. I read stories all the time about straight guys falling in love with their gay best friends. Why can’t a gay guy fall in love with a woman?”

She snorted. “Wouldn’t that make you bi, then?”

“Who cares? It’s just a label. I know what I feel. That’s all that matters.”

“Have you ever had feelings for women before? If you have, you’ve never told me.”

“No. You’re the only one.”

“Nick, this isn’t a game. You’ve never had a serious relationship in your life. Why now? Why me?”

“I don’t know. All I know is that when I look at you, I get a warm feeling that I never want to go away. I want more from life…and I want to try it with you. If you’ll have me.”

She looked away from me. The silence stretched on for a few minutes before she turned to look at me. There were tears in her eyes. “Nick. I’ve loved you for a long time now, but I’m not sure about this. How do I know this isn’t just an experiment on your part and you’ll eventually go back to men?”

“Do you really think I’d risk our friendship on an experiment? I know what I feel. Love is love. Haven’t we always said that?”

She nodded. “Yeah. Wow…Nick, I need to think about this.”

“Ok.”

“I should go now.” She stood and gathered her coat before walking to the door. I stopped her before she could open the door, and drew her close, running my hands alongside her face. I pressed my lips against hers softly.

“I meant what I said. Goodnight, Pussycat.”

She nodded and walked out the door. I could tell she didn’t trust herself to speak.

It was three days before she contacted me again. I didn’t get much sleep during those three days. I hoped I hadn’t made a mistake and ruined the best thing to ever happen to me. Josie called me and was knocking at my door about an hour later. She handed me a pizza box, then immediately went to my living room and sat on the couch. “Talk first, then pizza,” she said.

I set the box down in the kitchen and wiped my sweaty hands on my jeans before sitting on the chair next to the couch. She took a deep breath before beginning. “Nick, I’ve been in love with you ever since we met. I never dared imagine that you would ever return my feelings that way. I accepted that you were gay, even if I thought you deserved better than sleeping around all the time.” She paused. “I’m not sure about this…I don’t understand how you can suddenly ‘switch teams’, so to speak. I don’t want to get hurt if you decide that you want to go back to being with guys. And I won’t share you with someone else.”

“Jo, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, believe me. I’ve come to the conclusion that love is love, and the parts don’t matter. What matters is on the inside. I’m not attracted to other women…just you. I’ve been feeling so empty inside lately, and I realized I was sick of meaningless hook-ups and wanted something more out of life. Everything I realized I wanted, I have with you. This isn’t something I’m taking lightly. I love you, Josie. And I’d love the chance to prove it to you.”

She looked away from me, and her body shook from emotion. When she looked at me again, there were tears running down her cheeks. “Oh, Nick…I’d like to try…” she whispered.

I sat next to her on the couch and wrapped my arms around her. She sobbed into my chest as I smoothed her hair and told her that it would be ok. When she calmed down, she looked at me with such tenderness that I had to immediately kiss her. We ended up making out for several minutes, until we needed to come up for air. I couldn’t resist touching her curves and pulling her even closer to me. I was fascinated with the physical differences between her and the men I’d slept with, and I also wanted to show her how sincere my feelings were.

She gently pushed me away and smiled. “Slow down, Nick. I’m not one of your hook-ups. I’d like to take it slow.”

I nodded. “Sure, whatever you want.”

We spent the rest of the evening watching movies in each other’s arms. We made out a couple more times, but didn’t have sex. I found myself eagerly anticipating when we would make love for the first time, and I was fascinated by the different sensations I was experiencing.

We dated for an entire month before we finally made love. It was awkward at first, since it was a new experience for both of us. Josie wasn’t a virgin, but it had been a long time since she’d been with a man, and it was my first time being with a woman. It got much better after she told me to stop treating her like a china doll.

Our friends took our relationship in stride. None of them were surprised, so it seemed like I was the last one to realize how I felt. After dating for only six months, we moved in together. We were spending all of our time together, and she usually stayed over at my place, so it seemed like a logical next step. Both of our places were too small, so we ended up renting a two-bedroom apartment about midway between our old places.

We were together for a little over a year when we made plans to attend Josie’s company’s Christmas party. Our relationship was going well, and I was even contemplating buying her an engagement ring and proposing on Christmas. Our sex life was good, even though I found myself wishing she had man parts sometimes. I really enjoyed giving blowjobs and missed the feeling. Josie’s skills were adequate in that department – what she lacked in skill, she made up for in enthusiasm. When I hooked up with men, I was primarily the top, but did enjoy bottoming every once in a while and found that I missed that feeling as well. I thought about suggesting to Josie that we play with some toys, but didn’t think it would go over very well. She was still insecure about my gay side, even though she tried to not let it show. I noticed the look that came across her face, however briefly, whenever I commented on good-looking guys. I did my best to avoid making those comments, although they managed to slip out occasionally.

Josie was eager for me to meet her colleagues. We had to miss the party the year before, so this was my first introduction to her work friends. Although it wasn’t a formal affair, everyone was dressed nicely. The restaurant had great hors d’oeuvres, and I was looking forward to dinner.

“Nick, this is our newest manager, James. He just started a month ago, and he’s been a godsend.” Josie had mentioned James before. She was impressed with his work skills and said he was a really nice guy. She never mentioned he was drop-dead gorgeous.

“Hi, I’ve heard a lot about you.” I smiled as I shook his hand. My eyes widened when our hands touched. It felt like an electric current passed between us, and from the look on his face, he felt it too.

He laughed nervously. “All good, I hope.”

I winked. “You have nothing to worry about.”

“That’s a relief.”

“Excuse us, James. Nick, I want you to meet my boss.” Josie took me by the arm and made the next round of introductions.

The evening passed in a blur. The only person I remember being introduced to was James. He happened to be seated at our table for dinner, and I spent the evening chatting with him while Josie discussed work matters with her colleagues. He was funny, charming, and an absolute delight to be around. I could see why Josie liked him so much.

James became a part of our circle of friends very quickly. He joined our weekly poker games, and I took great delight in mopping the floor with him. I could read his ‘tells’ easily, and instead of getting frustrated, he took it all in stride. Brandon and Carson didn’t seem to warm up to him as readily as the rest of our crew did. I wondered why, since James was such a great guy.

A few months later, it was Josie’s and my turn to host. Josie was away visiting relatives – I couldn’t get the time off work, or I would have been with her – so it was just me and the rest of the crew. James hung around after the others left to help me clean up.

“What’s the deal with Carson and Brandon?” James asked as he took an armful of dirty plates into the kitchen.

“What do you mean?”

“Are they a couple?”

I laughed. We teased them all the time about their ‘bromance’. “No, they’re not a couple. They’re best friends.”

“Oh. Are they both straight?”

I nodded. “Yeah, they are. They’re both single right now, but they’ve only dated women. At least that they’ve told me about.”

He smiled ruefully. “Too bad. Carson is pretty cute.”

We’d never discussed our sexuality before, and I had a feeling we were treading in dangerous waters. I nodded my head. “Yeah, he is, isn’t he?” I walked past James into the kitchen. It was rather tight quarters and he smiled as I passed him.

“So are you,” he said.

I swallowed and looked away as I quickly set down the stack of dirty dishes in my hands. I rested my hands on the counter, avoiding his gaze.

“Nick…this is none of my business, and please tell me to shut up if I offend you…but, you’re not straight, are you.” It was said as a statement versus a question.

I shook my head. “No, I’m not.”

“Are you bi? The more time I spend with you, the more surprised I am that you’re with Josie.”

I frowned. I hadn’t realized my feelings were that obvious. “I suppose, if you have to put a label on it. I’ve always considered myself gay, though.”

“Then why are you with a woman?”

I sighed. “Because I love her.”

He looked at me skeptically. After we cleaned up the kitchen, we retreated into the living room and sat on the couch. I found myself telling him all about my past – how Josie and I met, my life in college, and my exploits up until my revelation about Josie. He confided that he’d dated girls in high school and even a couple in college until he came out.

We had edged closer to each other during our conversation, until we now sat with our legs touching and my arm resting on the couch close to his shoulder. I wanted nothing more than to take him in my arms and kiss him, and I wished like hell that Josie wasn’t away for the night. I was on the verge of making a very big mistake.

“Do you ever regret your decision?” James whispered. His blue eyes were smoldering as they locked onto my brown ones.

I involuntarily nodded, then winced and tore my eyes away from my friend’s penetrating gaze. I felt James’ fingers ghost across my cheek, turning my head toward his. I have no idea how I found the willpower, but I stood and ran my hand through my hair, exhaling sharply.

“Oh, God, Nick. I’m so sorry.”

“No, James. I’m sorry. I want to. God help me, I want you so badly right now.” I took a deep breath. “But I can’t do that to Josie…no matter how much I may want to.”

He smiled ruefully and nodded. “I understand. I really didn’t mean to put you in this position, Nick. I had no intention of ever telling you how I feel. I just couldn’t stop myself.”

“I think you should probably leave now.”

“Yeah. I should.” He stood, and a shiver ran through my body as he brushed past me. I followed him to the door. He placed his hand on the knob, but then abruptly turned and drew me tightly to him. I wrapped my arms around him and reveled in the feel of his sturdy embrace. It felt like I had come home. He raised his hand to my cheek and kissed me. I had never experienced the frisson that shivered throughout my body when our lips met — not even with Josie. I was stunned by the sensations coursing through me, and knew in that instant I had been denying who I was for too long. I have no doubt that James felt the effect he had on me. Thankfully he pushed away with a sad smile and walked out the door.

I immediately went into the bathroom and took a hot shower. I was so turned on that it took me three times to relieve the tension James had reawakened in me. When I was finished, the water ran cold, and I slumped against the shower wall, sobbing.

*****

When Josie returned the next day, she immediately knew something was wrong. I couldn’t tell her what had happened with James. I threw myself into work and avoided talking about anything to do with our relationship or my emotions. I could tell that Josie was becoming frustrated with me, but I didn’t know what to do. I stopped going to our poker games and ignored James’ calls and texts. I had no appetite, and I started losing weight. Even though Josie tried, I couldn’t get aroused enough to have sex. The only time I found my dick reacting was when I remembered the feel of James’ arms around me and his lips on mine. My morning shower became a time of torture for me. I tried to deny what I was feeling, but my body betrayed me as I couldn’t stop thoughts of James from entering my mind. The thing that bothered me most was that it wasn’t just physical attraction I felt for him. The more I tried to deny it, the more I realized I was in love with him.

Things came to a head about a month later. I came home from work to find Josie waiting for me on the couch. I set my briefcase down on the kitchen table, took off my suitcoat, and sat on the chair across from her.

“Are you having an affair?” she whispered.

I shook my head. “No. I’d never do that to you.”

“I don’t know if I believe you.”

“I’m telling you the truth. I’ve never cheated on you, and I never will.”

“But you want to.”

I closed my eyes, and despite my better judgment, whispered, “Yes.”

“It’s James, isn’t it.”

I nodded.

“Do you love him?”

A tear fell down my cheek. “God help me, but I think I do.”

“What does this mean for us?”

“I don’t know.”

She looked away from me, gripping the armrest of the couch. Her body shook as she tried to control her emotions, but failed. I felt like my heart was being physically torn from my body. I sat next to her and put my arms around her. She tried to push me away, but I only held her tighter. She turned into my embrace and sobbed into my chest for a good five minutes. My own tears fell onto her hair as I let her cry out my betrayal.

After she calmed down, she sniffled and asked, “Is this why you’ve been ignoring him? He’s been asking about you, you know.”

I felt horrible that my heart leapt upon hearing that news. “I was afraid I’d do something to hurt you.”

She snorted and shoved away from me. “It’s a little late for that, don’t you think?” She stood and headed toward our bedroom. “You can sleep on the couch tonight.”

We tried to make it work, but we were only delaying the inevitable. Counseling brought out the fears we both had regarding my sexuality, and made me realize that exploring my bi side had cost me dearly. Three months later, Josie moved out. I moved into a new apartment shortly thereafter. Our weekly poker games stopped when Josie and I split up. All our friends took her side, so I lost much more than my best friend and lover.

I lived in misery for two months before I decided that I needed a change. I applied for a job in another city, and they immediately hired me. I was packing one evening when I heard a knock at my door. I had no idea who it could be, since I had lost all my friends. I opened the door to find a very nervous looking James standing before me.

My heart felt like it was going to leap out of my chest. I stood in stunned silence, staring at him.

“I’m probably the last person you want to see right now, but I heard that you were leaving town. I had to come say goodbye.”

“No…yes…I mean…it’s good to see you. Come in.” I opened the door fully and allowed him entrance into my apartment. He looked at the stacks of boxes and smiled sadly.

“So it’s true. You are leaving.”

I nodded. “There’s nothing her for me anymore.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Nothing?”

“James…”

“I’m sorry about Josie, Nick, but I can’t say I’m surprised. I hope you don’t think I’m an arrogant ass for asking this, but, was it because of me?”

“If it wasn’t you, it would have been somebody else.”

I sat on my couch, and James sat on the chair next to it. “You really hurt me when you ignored me, you know.”

I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. “I know. I’m so sorry. I seem to have a knack for that lately.”

“I understand, though. I’m kind of hurt that you were going to leave without saying goodbye, but I get it. You want a clean start.”

I nodded. Seeing him brought back all the pain and turmoil of the past months. It also made me realize I had never stopped loving him.

“Josie blames me for your break-up, you know.” He paused. “She said you were in love with me.”

I looked away and gripped the arm of the couch tightly. I had a lot of guilty feelings when it came to James. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to overcome the guilt, and I didn’t want to hurt anyone else like I had Josie. He stood and then sat down next to me. He took my hand gently in his. “I can’t let you go without telling you that I love you, too.”

I was stunned. After everything I’d done…after spending months apart…he still loved me and was willing to forgive me. I was so overcome with emotion that I couldn’t speak. James held me tightly and it felt like a dam burst inside of me. All the guilt, pain, and anguish of the past months came flooding in a tidal wave of wracking sobs. James held me the entire time, rubbing slow circles on my back and kissing the top of my head.

When he kissed my lips, I never wanted him to stop. We made love that night, and it was the most incredible experience of my life. Afterwards, we lay in each other’s arms, and I wondered what the future held for us since I was going to be moving to another city.

“I quit my job,” James whispered.

“Yeah?”

“I don’t have anything keeping me here.”

“James…”

“I’ll go with you…if you’ll have me.” I could see the sincerity and worry in his eyes.

I nodded and smiled. “I’d like nothing more.”

*****

Ten years later, I stood outside my old high school, wondering if I had made the right decision. My twenty-fifth reunion was taking place inside, and I was flooded with memories of Josie, Brandon, and my other high school friends. I had no idea if they would be there, and my heart was in my throat at the prospect of seeing them again.

“You can still change your mind, you know.” James embraced me from behind. I sank back into his comforting arms and smiled.

“I know, but this is something I have to do.”

I held out my hand, and James took it in his before we walked through the front doors together. I wasn’t prepared for the onslaught of emotion that swept through me when I saw the halls that hadn’t changed much since I was a teenager. We walked past the classroom where Josie used to hum the Jeopardy theme in my ear, my locker where we met in between classes or slipped notes inside of, and the gym where we attended our first dance. It was also where the reunion was being held.

James and I walked into the gym and stopped at the registration desk before heading amongst the throng of my old school mates. I was chatting with a couple of old acquaintances when Brandon approached.

“Hi, Brandon. It’s good to see you.”

“Nick. James.” He greeted us with a cool nod.

“How’s Carson?”

“Not too good, I’m afraid. He just found out his wife has cancer.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.”

“Yeah, excuse me.” He waved to someone across the room and strode over to talk to them. My heart sank as I realized that the closeness we used to share was gone forever.

I took James’ hand and walked away, feeling empty and numb. I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going and bumped into someone. “Sorry,” I mumbled, then saw who I had bumped into.

“Hi, Nick.” Josie looked stunning. “James.” She wore a look of cold indifference, but I knew her well enough to see the pain that still lingered under the surface.

“Here you go, hun.” A tall, brown-haired man handed her a glass of punch, then scrutinized James and me.

“Hi. I’m Nick, and this is my husband, James.” I held out my hand. Josie winced when I said the word ‘husband’. The man narrowed his eyes and shook my hand in a crushing grip.

“Nick? As in the –“

“Nick, this is my husband Carl. We’ve been married for three years now and have two little girls.”

I smiled. “I’m happy for you, Josie. I really am. Congratulations.”

“Thanks. If you’ll excuse me, I have to use the ladies room.” She walked away briskly.

I wasn’t going to stick around Carl any longer than I had to, since based on the look he was giving me, I was right up there with something he stepped in. “It was nice to meet you, Carl. I wish you and Josie nothing but the best.”

I hooked my arm through James’ and headed toward the exit. I managed to make it to the car before I broke down in James’ arms. I was happy with my life, but going to that reunion made me realize everything I had lost and would never get back. James kissed me and started the car.

“Let’s go home.”