Please, go to sleep - 1. Please, go to sleep

Please, go to Sleep

1

"Hey, Mike. What's the matter?"

I rubbed my face with both my hands, trying to get rid of some of exhaustion, but I couldn't stop them from shaking. Felix noticed.

"Mike?" he asked me, his tone going from annoyed to concerned. "Is everything okay?"

"Yes. Yeah, I mean… Can I come in for a bit?"

My question ended up sounding whiny, but I couldn't help it. Felix nodded, stepping away from his door, letting me into his flat.

I walked past him, straight into the comfortably furnished living room which I'd helped to decorate back when Felix and I were still flatmates, before I had moved in with Jason. I sat down heavily on my favorite sofa with the custom-made Italian upholstery and looked out past the panoramic windows offering a spectacular view of the nighttime city. One of the things I missed the most about my new place with Jason was this view. I used to feel like I was on top of the world, just sitting here in this living room. Now the reflection in the window showed me my own face against the far-off lights of other skyscrapers, haggard, huge circles under my eyes. My hair, normally styled to dark wavy perfection, was a total mess. I was wearing yesterday's clothes. I didn't remember when was the last time I ate.

"Want to tell me what's the matter?" Felix asked me, sitting opposite me a worried expression.

I looked at him, then quickly away. I didn't even know where to begin. I didn't want to sound crazy.

"It's about Jason, isn't it?"

My surprised gasp betrayed me.

"How did you…? I mean, I don't…" I answered, trailing off because the thoughts in my head were just a jumble.

"So it is about him," Felix announced grimly.

"Yes. No. Yes," I told him. "How did you know?"

He shrugged. "I'm not going to say feminine intuition, but I can tell something's off." He leaned forward conspiratorially and reached across the sofas to place his hand over mine. "Does he hit you?"

The question was so unexpected that I burst out laughing, giving voice to my nervousness. "Felix, I'm not some submissive slave boy. It's not that. It's…" But, again, I couldn't finish the thought.

"It must be something important, to make you show up in the middle of the night. You're lucky I'm working third shift, or I wouldn't even be awake."

"I know. Sorry for barging in like this. I just had to talk to someone."

"Well, so talk."

I heard the friendly concern behind his bluntness. Felix was worried about me.

"Okay," I started, rubbing my hands on my legs just to do something with them. "Okay. You know how I met Jason?"

"After that all-nighter party in Soho. Duh. He was our knight in shining armor, remember?"

I knew that. A leather daddy at that party hadn't understood that no meant no, and he was getting kind of frisky with us, in the early hours of morning. Jason had seen that he was harassing Felix and me and come out of nowhere, pretending to know us. He had scared away the guy and bought us a last round of drinks. Then he had paid for the cab back home, and during the way we had started talking. He had asked me out before leaving. That had been a little under six months ago.

"Well, do you remember anything… Strange about Jason?" I asked Felix. "That night?"

"Uh, nope. Well, he did look amazing for a guy who had just stayed up all night. We were a wreck, but Jason… Damn. The one who got away."

It was a standing joke between us that Felix would have made a pass at Jason, except for the fact that it was obvious that Jason had been attracted to me from the first. Normally, a comment like that would have made me laugh, but not tonight.

"Exactly," I answered. My voice was wooden. "He looked so fresh."

"So? Is that a crime now? You should count yourself lucky, you know. Half of our friends have ended up with guys who turned out to be total slobs. By day, clean-cut businessmen. By nights… Simpson pajamas. Ugh."

I ran my hand through my hair, slowly. "Jason doesn't have any pajamas."

Felix blinked. "So? He's naked in bed, great deal. Did you come all this way to rub your good fortune in my face?"

As his attempt at humor fizzled, Felix's face grew even more worried. "Mike, what's wrong? Quit beating around the bush."

"I don't think I noticed anything strange until about a week after we moved in together," I started to say, and the words were finally flowing. "At night, Jason would always have an excuse for not coming to bed with me right away. He had a lot of work, or he had to Skype with his mom in California, or whatever. I'd doze off, and in the morning he would be waiting for me always, smiling, looking amazing. He usually had breakfast prepared, and our flat would be spotless. Then he'd go to work and I'd go to University. We'd meet again for dinner and talk for hours. Perfect life.

"Except last month they switched my schedule and now I have to get up insanely early. Like, at 4:30 AM if I want to make it.

"He still greets me with breakfast, Felix. And he's always full of energy, like it's not that early at all. And, have you ever seen him blink?"

"I'm still not hearing a problem here," Felix said. "Are you saying that he's too perfect? Is that what's bothering you? I've read lots of articles in Cosmo about how having a too perfect boyfriend can lead to all sorts of insecurity issues, and –"

"That's not it."

"Well, then what?"

"I started setting silent alarms through the night to wake me up. Jason always goes to bed after I do, but I never really see him sleeping next to me, so I wanted to test it out. I set them at two-hour intervals starting at midnight.

"Felix…" I began, my voice trembling with suppressed fear, "He's always awake."

My best friend was silent for a beat. He cracked a smile. "Okay, I know it's not April Fools' Day. What the hell, Mike?"

I shook my head. "You don't understand. I kept it up for an entire week. I pretended to be asleep and I saw him come and go, cleaning stuff, working on his computer, doing everything but sleeping. I even left my laptop on and recording in case he came back before me during the day, after his work, for a nap. He didn't even touch the bed. I asked at his job and he's always there. And lately he's been watching me, Felix. He just watches me sleep not doing anything, just… Sitting there. I don't – I don't think I'm going crazy or anything, or maybe I am, but I'm starting to think that he might –"

The sound of the doorbell ringing was like a gunshot in the stillness of the night. It interrupted my diatribe cleanly, slicing it off.

"Well, that's weird," Felix said. "Let me see who it is."

I didn't have to go see. I already knew.

I buried my face in my hands as I heard Felix greet Jason with friendly familiarity.

"Jason! Here for the boyfriend, I assume? Don't worry, we were just having a little chat. Come in, come in."

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything," Jason said, walking into the living room. His voice was deep, resonating with masculinity and that unshakable confidence that have made me fall in love with him. He made his way into the living room and stood before me. "Babe? Is everything okay?"

I looked up at him, then at Felix. My boyfriend was smiling, his face full of kindness. Maybe I was imagining things. Maybe the stress of final exams was getting to me, only I didn't notice. What was I complaining about, after all? Little things. Nothing.

My confidence in my own fears wavered and was extinguished in the clean-cut presence of the guy I loved. He was wearing a three-piece suit at the moment which fit his slender but strong frame perfectly. He looked like a rich billionaire's son or something, and yet he was here to pick me up. Me.

"Should we go?" Jason asked me gently. Like it was the most natural thing in the world for me to have come to my best friend's flat in the middle of the night.

I nodded. Stood up. What else could I do?

Felix said goodbye to us and we walked to the parking lot in silence. Jason drove and soon we were home. It was late, I had an early exam the following day, and on top of everything I hadn't been sleeping very well since I had started setting my alarms at two-hour intervals. I was exhausted.

"Time to hit the hay, huh?" Jason asked me brightly. I tried to smile back, but I couldn't.

After brushing my teeth and changing into something more comfortable, I slipped between the covers. Jason dimmed the lights.

"Are you coming?" I asked, even though I already knew the answer.

"Just a second, Babe. There's a couple of emails that must be sent. You know my boss. You go on ahead and sleep, though. You look tired."

"Yeah. Tired."

I didn't want to, but I dozed off very quickly. My dreams were scattered and full of half-formed nightmares.

Something woke me up in the night. Not my alarm. It hadn't buzzed yet. It took my conscious mind a few moments to regain complete awareness, and then I noticed it was just me in the bed. As always.

The room was very dark and there was no noise coming from outside. The dead of the night, literally. My eyes scanned the side of the room I was looking at, but everything was in perfect order. I wasn't alone in the room, though. I could hear someone breathing, very softly, off to the left.

I thought about pretending I hadn't woken up and simply going back to sleep. This time I couldn't.

Slowly, slowly, I turned around on the bed, inching my way towards the other side. Not even a rustle betrayed my movements, and I was confident that the darkness would hide the fact that I was turning. Then I realized that as far as he could tell I might still be asleep, and so I faked the clumsy tossing around in bed of a person who is still dreaming. I aimed it so I would be facing the other side of the room, sighed, and pretended to go back to sleep.

I waited nearly 5 minutes by my count and then I opened my eyes little by little, hoping the darkness would hide me.

Jason was sitting on a chair in the far corner of the room. He was watching me with his piercing, eager eyes. Naked. Only the sound of his breathing betrayed that that he was alive and not a statue made of marble, and the hungry intensity in his look made me shiver.

When we made eye contact I knew he could tell I was awake. He had probably watched me all night again like that. Motionless. Unblinking.

I drew a shaky, ragged breath as I choked back a scream.

"You should rest, Babe," Jason said calmly, as if we had been having a casual conversation all along. "You have an early exam tomorrow."

He stayed where he was and I found I could not get up. I was too scared.

Jason smiled at me, and what would have been a reassuring grin in the light of day was a grimace of shadows in the night.

I let out a tiny whimper that betrayed the intensity of my terror.

"Jason," I whispered. "Would you, please, go to sleep?"