A to Z - 59. Chapter 59 Eustace

Entry for March 19, Sunday, continued….

Zander and I watched the grey police sedan back out of the driveway. Monica and Garrett sat in the back; they would see Allan off at the airport, and then drive with Ambrose back to the Whitley farm. I think they had a lot they wanted to talk about.

I thought it would be fun driving with Zander to Eustace's. He had the license and was a pretty good driver. We'd be on our own, and would have some time alone together. But once we got onto the interstate highway heading east, Zander seemed to grow silent and remote. Something was clearly bothering him. I tried to cheer him up by telling him about stupid things I'd done on the farm, or what we'd look for when we got there, but Zander seemed, if anything, more unhappy.

Eventually, I fell silent. Had I offended him? What did I do? The miles zipped by without conversation. Finally, I saw the exit: 'South Gabriel, New Salem.'

"This is us," I said.

Zander nodded.

We coasted to a stop at the end of the exit ramp. Zander turned right, and the road headed us in the direction of New Salem. I didn't know this road; I was hoping I could figure out where to go once we got into town. Not many miles later, I spied a sign welcoming us to the town, but it wasn't until we got to a stoplight in the middle of town that I recognized the main street. I knew where I was.

"Turn right," I directed.

Silently, Zander complied. Off to the right, I spied the feed store where I'd met Toby. We crossed a bridge, and I remembered the sharp left that took us down the highway toward Eustace's farm. We climbed the hill away from town, and entered the countryside. Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore. I pointed at a lonely looking barn on the right coming up.

"Pull over there, okay?" I asked.

Again, Zander did as I requested, wordlessly. He stopped the car and looked at his lap. He wouldn't meet my eyes.

"So what's the matter, Z?" I asked, gently. I'd never called him that before, but the endearment fit.

He shook his head.

"Come on, Z, talk to me. Did I say something stupid? How did I hurt you?" My beautiful Zander was about to lose it right there in the driver's seat. It killed me to see my love hurting so much. And he wouldn’t tell me why.

Zander wiped his nose with his hand. "It's not…you didn't do anything, Andy. It's just…you've got family now. Your Uncle, or this guy, Eustace, who we're going to meet…they can claim you. You'll want to go back and live with one of them. Hell, this time next week, you could be in Africa." He sniffed.

Suddenly, it became clearer, what had been bothering him.

"You thought I'd be leaving?"

He went on as if he hadn't heard me. "It's not like Family Services can put you away in some foster facility anymore. You could have a real home, with real relatives now. You could…" Zander's voice broke. His eyes squinted shut, holding back tears.

I released my seat belt and reached across the shifter and console to try and hug him. It was awkward, but I had to try. This was Zander leaning into me, crying. I held up my hand in front of his face.

"Z, look at this. Look," I demanded softly.

He opened his eyes and peered at my left hand.

"See this? This ring means one thing: I love you. Home to me is wherever you are, Zander. You’re my home, my heart, my love. You’re not a warm house or a free meal. I want to marry you and be with you for the rest of my life. I know I'm only a kid, but I know this, deep down, and it isn’t going to change. I love you Zander, and I'm not going anywhere in life without you, okay?"

He nodded, the tears still flowing.

"Yes, I'm blown away that I have an uncle who seems like a nice, kind, regular person. Yes, I'm even more blown away that Eustace Whitley wants to see me," I continued. I reached up, and turned Zander's tear stained face to mine, so I could look deeply into his beautiful eyes. "But what really blows my mind every morning is that I wake up and remember you love me, Zander. Don't ever doubt that."

And then I just had to kiss him. Zander had given me comfort and strength just through his lips; I wanted to do the same for him. The kiss we shared wasn't hot or passionate; it was gentle and warm and full of hope. Full of the relief that comes from knowing everything will turn out right.

When he'd recovered some, Zander spoke, our foreheads touching. "I'm sorry. I was just scared and stupid, Andy. God, I've been like that all week. I just…I just can’t ever lose you, Andy."

I looked into his eyes again and smiled. "You won't. You can't. You’re stuck with me, Zander."

He took a deep breath. "I'm not gonna lie, Andy, I've been afraid all week that something bad is going to happen to pull us apart. First Ms. Chandler, and then Ambrose and your uncle. Either one of them could have said 'Hi, Zander, we're taking your boyfriend with us now. Have a nice life.' And the worst thing was, I knew I had to be happy for you about Ambrose and your uncle showing up. I've been worried about you seeing Eustace the whole way. What if you wanted to stay with him?"

"The farm is a wonderful place, Z. I hope you'll like Eustace, too. But remember what I said: my home is right next to you."

Finally, I saw him smile. Now the sun was shining again. "Since when do you call me 'Z'?"

"Since now," I answered, kissing him again, "it's just for us."

"So, we go find Eustace?" he asked a few moments later.

I nodded.

Zander started the car again, and we drove. The road wound and curved so much, it was pretty much double yellow striped down the middle all the way along.

"You sure you know where we're going?" Zander asked.

I nodded. I knew where we were. We came to a crossroads with a house and church on the right. We took a right, then a quick left. I kept watching for my landmark; a house with worn red paint and a collection of dead vehicles off to the side. Soon enough, there it was. "Turn right. There."

Zander came to a stop, looking at the dirt track. "You want me to take that road?"

"Yup. That's the way."

Zander eased the Toyota down the bumpy lane. Winter hadn't been very kind to the road. Withered grasses whispered against the sides of the car in places. Memories of a long, long walk along this road, going the other way, stumbling in the dark, came back to me. We passed grey-brown fields, waiting for the green of spring. The road passed into woods and forest, not as dark as last summer, because the leaves haven't come out yet. We bumped past Toby's parents' house. There. On the left, angling in, down a side hill.

"Turn left there." I pointed.

Zander knew better than to question me this time. He slowed way, way down and hauled on the steering wheel to make the sharp turn. Not at all far now. Zander powered us up the steep rise, and we emerged into the open. The upper field was off to my left. I could see the pond and barn coming up as we crested the rise. Zander crept along downhill around the pond.

"Park there," I indicated a spot by the tractor shed.

I think Zander was all too grateful to turn off the engine.

I opened my door. "Come on," I said to Zander. I didn't want to hang around in the car, wondering what to do.

He got out uncertainly, catching up with me as I beckoned him alongside me. I could smell the farm again. It was different from a summer smell, but still good. I remembered how much I'd liked it there. We walked along the lane in front of the house, around to the kitchen door. Zander followed behind me up onto the porch.

Eustace stood in the doorway. He must have known we were coming. Did Ambrose call to warn him? The old man appeared freshly shaven and stood straight as looked me directly in the eye.

"You came back," he said.

I nodded. What other answer was there?

"You came back," he repeated, and this time he couldn't suppress a tight smile. And then I found myself gripped in a tight hug. He thumped me on the back. "Where the hell have you been, young Eric?" he spoke hoarsely into my left shoulder.

Funny. I didn't remember Eustace being shorter than me.

He released me and looked me up and down. "You put on some weight," he observed.

I felt myself blush a little. Between Monica and Kaz, I'd been eating like a horse and maybe adding some muscle. My clothes have been feeling tighter again, lately.

"And who are you? I don't believe we've met." Eustace directed his attention to Zander. He stuck out his hand in greeting.

"I'm Zander Stevenson. That's short for Alexander," my boyfriend smiled his best smile. "How are you, sir?"

"Well, come on in, you two, come on in and set you down, both of you," Eustace beckoned us toward the kitchen table enthusiastically.

We sat, kind of awkwardly. I had the feeling he had been looking for our arrival the second Ambrose hung up.

"I was just resting a moment when you came in," Eustace said transparently. "Need some coffee?"

Coffee? I didn't usually drink the stuff, but Zander spoke up for some: "Yes, please."

Eustace practically bustled, and three cups appeared almost instantly on the table. I was getting coffee, anyway. I guess I wasn't the only one nervous about this visit.

"I got the box from Ambrose," I started, embarrassed.

Eustace chuckled a little. "Young Gerry found that stuff playing around in the barn at Thanksgiving. Really made his day, I can tell you. He made the connection to the big mystery of the disappearing Eric. I think he recognized the shirt."

Once again, I found myself flushing. "I'm sorry for all the trouble I must have caused," I said, head down.

Eustace sat down.

"Well, I won't say I didn't worry, because I did. And I won't say it didn't make me sick in my gut, because I was. And I won't say I wasn't disappointed, either, but Toby and I made do for a time. Trouble was, he could only give me weekends and such," Eustace said, becoming serious.

I hung my head.

"The hell of it is," he spoke more quietly, "I figured out that I was kind of attached to you, Eric. What I'd really like is an explanation."

I looked first at Eustace, then at Zander. Then I took a deep breath. "Eustace, you need to know something. A lot of things. First, I have a new name; I've had three in the last year. Eric was the second of the names I used. My name is Andy now. Andrew Stevenson."

Eustace nodded slowly. "You never were much of an Anderson."

"The other thing you need to know is that I'm gay, Eustace. Zander isn't just my friend. He's my boyfriend. In fact, he my fiancé. I'm going to marry him."

I reached out to take Zander's hand and gave it a good squeeze.

I looked fearfully at the old man. He'd truly been good to me, and I didn't want to hurt or disappoint him. But I wasn't going to hide anymore. Eustace had to know me for who I was.

To say Eustace looked astonished would be like saying a summer lightning storm looked a little bright.

"Is that so?" he croaked out a few moments later.

I nodded. "Yessir. It's true."

Eustace's brow furrowed. "Humpf," he said and crossed his arms over his chest.

I'd encountered 'humpf' before.

"Well, that's one way to surprise a fellow," he added, eventually. He looked sharply at me. "You're not joking, are you? You'd better not be."

I shook my head. "No, not joking."

"Humpf." Eustace looked at me, then at Zander, then back at me. "Well, if you two are happy with each other, I'm not about to tell you different. I've spent too much of my life tending to my own business to begin tending yours." He paused and made a puzzled kind of face. "But married? Can you even do that if you're...well, in my day, we called it 'queer,' and then only in back of the bowling alley."

Zander suppressed a laugh, unsuccessfully. "Sir, I think we say 'gay' now, and we say it pretty much everywhere. And yeah, it's legal."

Eustace pursed his lips, musing. "Guess I'm showing my age. I suppose I ought to have known that. But aren't you two getting hitched way early in your lives? What's the rush?"

So for the second time that day, it was time to spill it all. And why not? Eustace deserved at least that much.

He sipped his coffee and listened patiently, frowning or nodding occasionally. When I told Eustace how I'd lived in his barn for six weeks, his jaw dropped, and for the second time today, surprised him completely. But Ambrose had been right in thinking his father was going to give him no mercy over his theory that I was a drug addict.

"God, I'm sorry I let Mr. Detective overrule my better judgment, Andrew." Eustace was getting used to my new name and stumbled over it only a little. "I knew you better than he did, even if you played your cards pretty close to your vest. Should've just made him listen."

"Don't give Ambrose too much hell," I pleaded, half joking. "He didn't know any better, and he was just looking out for you."

By the time I described my departure from the farm, his cup was dry. At that point Eustace stirred, saying, "If the rest is going to take a while to tell, we can talk as we move along. There's something I want young Eric here...no, young Andrew...to see."

We all rose, and put on our jackets.

As we walked past the tractor shed, decided to tell Eustace something.

"You know I was born with the name Stefan," I started. "Well I went to the judge and had it changed, legally, to Andrew. I'm Andrew Eustace Stevenson."

Eustace turned to me, and narrowed his eyes. "You didn't really call yourself that, did you?"

I felt a pang of alarm. "I hope it's okay. You don't mind?"

"Oh, it doesn't bother me, young Andrew," the old man chuckled, "it's just that I never much liked the name myself. It was pretty old fashioned when I was a kid, and it hasn't exactly gone back into fashion." He sighed. "But I've gotten used to it," he grinned.

As we continued up the track toward the upper pasture, I gave Eustace the long version of my flight in August and my life in Blackburn. He kept his barn coat drawn around his frame, hands jammed in his pockets, battered John Deere hat pulled down on his head. It was still a bit chilly there, and the winter killed weeds swished along our boots as we walked.

Eustace gave me a pretty stern look when I told him about my near miss with hypothermia in the Stevenson barn just before Christmas. "Young Andrew, are you crazy? No, everything you've told me so far is just plain crazy, so why should you be any different? But the simple fact of the matter is, you could have been killed by the cold, boy. I've known it to happen. Back in January of '66, one of the Anderson boys fetched up dead of the cold walking back from East Akron after a basketball game. Could have been you."

I saw Zander shudder.

Eustace smiled though, when I told about getting caught by Monica trying to sneak into the barn a second time. "Got you that time, didn't she? Glad somebody did."

"Yeah, I got him," rejoined Zander, and we all laughed happily.

We finally arrived at the upper pasture. There, the flock was scattered about contentedly. A big pile of hay and feed lay in the new shelter - the one I'd helped build last summer. But a number of the animals were trying out the very first shoots of grass emerging in the field. And there was something else new up there.

Lambs. There must have been dozens of them, playing, jumping, running about like little children let loose from school. I took in the sound of the ewes and their lambs calling one another, just checking in, from moment to moment. It was kind of magical. Evidence that the goodness in the world could renew itself and multiply, maybe. Even Zander seemed touched by the sight of it.

"It's lambing season," Eustace said conversationally. "Best time of the year, if you ask me."

We gazed at the scene in silence for a while. I'd enjoyed a lot of peaceful silences like that last summer.

He went on, gazing out over the early spring meadow, speaking to the both of us - or to the world in general, maybe. "I may have lived almost all my life on this farm, but I've seen a lot, anyways." He paused a moment. "Come tupping time in the fall, some rams will take off after other rams, try to tupp them, too. Happens in nature sometimes." He looked over at Zander and me, our hands still joined. "You two look happy together. Naturally happy, if you ask me. I really hope things work out for you. But if you should have that wedding? Well, that's something I'd like to see."

I hope he gets that chance.

Eustace changed the subject. "Young Alexander, get a good look at your boy's handiwork," he said, pointing. Zander, startled at the use of his name this way, followed where Eustace's finger directed. He wasn't pointing at the shelter, which surprised me. Instead, he indicated the fence line to our right.

Zander looked puzzled.

"Your boy pretty much fixed that fence line from scratch one day last summer," Eustace went on. "That's when I knew he was something out of the ordinary. Other hands I've hired would've taken their time and dragged the job out," Eustace reflected amiably. "Not young Andrew here. He just about wore his partner out and got it done in one afternoon."

I flushed at the praise but couldn't let Eustace get away painting the picture with a lot more color than he needed to. "Oh, come on, Eustace, all I did was fix a fence. It wasn't rocket science, and I just did what you told me to do."

The old man smiled. "Yup. And you worked so hard that Ambrose couldn't stand to be shown up by a sixteen year old kid so thin, the evening breeze would blow him into the next county. He was about fit to be tied trying to keep up with you and Toby."

Now it was my turn to smile at that thought.

"He did all that?" Zander asked. I had the feeling I'd hear about this later.

"Well, just that day. Later on, our Andrew put that shelter up over there," Eustace gestured with his head.

Zander's eyes widened. "You built that?"

I snorted. "I followed directions really well. And Eustace had all the know-how, especially with the support posts and such. He worked the Allis more than I did."

Eustace gave a shrug. "Well, I figure we'd better start on back to the house. Ambrose and your folks will be getting here soon, and there's supper to make."

Supper? I hadn't realized we'd be at the farm for supper. Eustace whistled for the dogs - I'd actually kind of missed them, but there they were, black and white streaks, racing around, rounding up their flock and bringing them to the gate. The dogs certainly had more work to do now than in the summer; several of the more adventurous lambs had to be convinced to stay with the flock over and over again.

As we slowly followed the flock on the way back down, I began pointing out places on the farm to Zander. Places like the spot where I'd broken the hay rake, or the vegetable garden I weeded, or the pond - where I'd really like to go swimming with Zander someday.

Back in the kitchen, Eustace put us to work, thawing and browning ground meat, pulling some of last year's vegetables out of the freezer, peeling and boiling potatoes, and so on. We were going to make a shepherd's pie for supper, something new to me. But it sure smelled good in the making.

In fact, we were still busy getting ready when the door burst open, with Ambrose leading Garrett and Monica inside. They carried a couple of grocery bags, so they must have stopped somewhere along the way back from the airport.

"God, Dad, something smells good," Ambrose cried out.

"You can thank young Andrew and Alexander for that," Eustace said with some satisfaction. He turned to Monica and Garrett and held out both hands, grasping one of theirs. "And you must be the home folks."

"I'm Garrett Stevenson, and this is my wife, Monica. I see you met our son, Zander. Andy's kind of adopting us," Garrett laughed.

"That's what I heard. Well, I hope you don't mind my getting reacquainted with young Andrew today. Looks like you're going to have two fine sons soon."

All this was going to get embarrassing if we didn't get supper on the table. Fine boy, my ass. Didn't Eustace actually listen to anything I told him?

Supper was really good, and the six of us made a full meal of what we made. Ambrose and Monica and Garrett bought some salad makings on their grocery stop, along with what seemed like a home baked pie. Don't know where they stopped for that.

Anyway, Ambrose and Monica and Garrett seemed to have really hit it off over the course of the afternoon. At least, they talked animatedly and told dozens of stories over supper. Lots of them about Zander, which made him get red in the face once or twice. I tried not to laugh. Not too much.

When supper was finished, Eustace and Ambrose insisted on doing the cleanup. I used this as a chance to excuse myself and Zander to walk down to the barn for a few minutes.

We walked across the lane, our coat collars turned up against the evening chill. I eased open the big door a little, and we slipped into the darkness. The familiar scents of hay and sheep and well used equipment had me remembering the long, hot July I'd spent here.

"Is this where you lived?" I heard Zander whisper in the darkness.

"In this barn, but not right here," I told him. I groped for the light switch on the wall off to my right. I found it, and the space was suddenly illuminated in a dim yellow light. "Up there," I pointed toward the loft.

Zander's eyes followed my gesture, then looked at me. "Up there. Sure."

"There's a ladder. Not hard to get up there."

Zander spotted it and walked over toward the ladder. One look in my direction, and then he was on his way up. I had to follow. I found him standing, looking at the remaining wall of bales still unused since I had stacked them there last summer.

"This is where you slept?" he asked.

"Kind of. I made a kind of hay bale fort over there," I pointed to my left where a deep pile of loose hay was all that remained of my room. "It was more private that way."

I walked over to the spot. "It was just about here."

Zander made his way over to stand beside me in the hay. "Right here. Yeah."

And then he kissed me, quickly. Zander had a grin on his face, and I wondered what was up when he tackled me down into the hay. I had no time to wonder what was happening before he lay on top of me and kissed me again, this time longer and with more intention. I didn't mind the hay gently prickling my neck. I remembered the sensation from the summer, and it was even better with Zander.

"Wanna have a roll in the hay? I've wanted to do that ever since you told me about this place," he asked, grinning down at me.

For an answer, I kissed him back, pulling him to me. His tongue and mine probed each other's; arms tightly wound around one another. I rolled Zander over to pin him under me as we made out. I felt his hands in my hair, playing with it as we kissed.

"This is good. This is very good," he murmured when I tried to kiss down his jaw to his throat.

But there were too many clothes - coats, shirts, pants, shoes socks - all that stuff. I wanted to feel him, his skin next to mine, his heart beating under my fingers.

I sat up and unzipped his jacket, and ran my hands over the shirt that covered his chest. Now it was my turn to grin. I unzipped my own coat, and felt him reach up to caress me. I got impatient, and slid my hands around Zander again; I just had to kiss some more.

But that gave Zander the opportunity to roll us over again. Now it was Zander rising, and using his free hand to unbutton my shirt. He didn't finish, he pushed it open and grazed his fingertips across my exposed nipple. My back arched in pleasure, and I bet the sheep in the lower level heard my groan. Then Zander was kissing down my throat and down to my chest. He hummed, and I think he enjoyed what he was doing. I know I did.

His fingers started completing the job on my shirt buttons they had started, and I felt them ghost over my belly button.

I was about to sit up and shed both my layers when I heard the barn door creak open. "Boys?" Monica's voice penetrated the barn.

"Up here, Mom," Zander called out. "Andy was just showing me where he slept last summer.”

"Something special about a hay pile?" I heard her ask drily.

Zander stood, showing himself. I hastily tried to button up as quietly as I could.

"It was cool. Andy made himself his own hay bale hotel up here," Zander tried to turn on the enthusiasm.

"Well, we have a long drive home, and it's time for us to hit the road," she said as I stood up next to Zander. "Oh, and boys," she added, looking at my innocent face, "you probably want to get the hay out your hair before coming down."

The ride home was quiet, once I helped Garrett navigate onto the road to New Salem. Within seconds of getting on the interstate, Zander and I were curled up together, snoozing.

We barely registered the parking of the car in the driveway where the surprises of the day had begun. We tumbled out of the vehicle sleepily.

"You two get to bed. You actually have school tomorrow," said Garrett, yawning.

Zander and I got ready for bed quietly and pretty swiftly, all things considered. After washing up together, I pulled Zander back to our room with a sleepy grin. To our bed.

Of course, now I’m too wired after everything that happened today to actually go to sleep. Unlike Zander, who hit the pillow and was out even as I kissed him. He's beautiful when he sleeps. But I couldn't get my mind to rest. After tossing and turning and letting my brain spin uselessly for a while, I got up to write.

I can’t believe what a day it has been. I have relatives. A clear future, maybe. A family that wants me. And a wonderful, loving – and hot - boy who wants to marry me. I still can’t see that far ahead, but maybe I’m going to be able to learn to plan more than a few days or weeks forward in my life. That would be good.

For now, I think Zander and I are going to have trouble with the “nothing else” promise we made. If we're going to get married, maybe we really should wait. Maybe I should head down to the other room tonight. Yeah, right.