You Make Me...Angry - 9. Chapter 9

9- I need space, Clarity comes in a quiet place

Days passed, turning into a month, then two. Jae, Andre and Junghee worked on their second album, working harder than they had on their first album.

Though, Dan thought, Jae struggled.

Each song the band finished came harder for Jae, and the strain of recording was pushing the band. The past week alone, Jae and Junghee had argued everyday. Dan wondered if Jae wasn’t trying too hard to keep everything together. From worrying about Junghee’s health, visiting Justine, taking time to sit down and listen to Dan’s updates on Jade Entertainment and the cases in Tokyo.

While all of it was important to know, Dan feared it was pulling Jae further away from his creative side.

It was a Friday evening. Dan entered the basement studio hoping to entice Jae into going out for dinner. He paused at the entrance. Jae was singing in the live room. Junghee sat at the controls listening.

Dan leaned on the wall watching them. He folded his arms against his chest when Junghee stopped the music. Junghee launched into a lecture about pitch and notes. Jae argued right back, so it soon turned into a heated argument.

Jae had his hair held up on top of his head. His chin dusted with stubble, Dan doubted his boyfriend had gone upstairs for a shower, or even sleep. Maybe dinner was out of the question today.

“It sounds better if you delay the end one full note, Jae. As it is now, it sounds abrupt,” Junghee complained. “It’s a tad amateurish.”

“Are you calling me an amateur?”

“I said it was amateurish, did I say your name?”

“I don’t know, I’m the one singing here,” Jae said placing his earphones on the microphone stand. “What would you think?”

“Well, if you think you are—

“Don’t be a bastard, Jung.” Jae left the live room and came to where Junghee sat. “We keep going like this, I’m scrapping this song.”

“I love this song,” Junghee said. “It’s the best one so far. Don’t touch it.”

“We can’t get through a full recording without you nitpicking every fucking note.”

“Because it has to sound good,” Junghee said. “It’s the best song, and you’re too impatient to see that.”

“Guys,” Dan interrupted when he saw Jae narrow his gaze.

Jae ignored him.

“I’m impatient?” Jae asked Junghee. “What and you’re not? Mister I have to keep up with my schedules. Andre and I, we’re working around the clock to accommodate your new busy life. What is your priority, Junghee, acting or Rebellion?”

“If you have to ask me, then you don’t know me at all, Jae.”

“I’m asking because we argue every time you come into the studio.”

“Have you thought that the problem might be you?” Junghee asked. “I don’t argue with Andre, I argue with you.”

“Enough,” Dan said.

“Stay out of this,” Jae snapped. “Jung has something to say. Let him. Right, Jung?”

Junghee stood so they faced each other. “You know what, you’re right. This year, I don’t recognize you, Jae. You look like someone who doesn’t know what you want, and that’s why we’re struggling with this album. If you don’t figure it out soon, we’re going to flop, Jae.”

Jae scoffed. “Is that so?”

“Yes,” Junghee said. “Your music has turned shallow.”

Jae stepped back. “I think we should take a break this weekend.”

“Me too,” Junghee said. “I’ll leave.”

Junghee grabbed his jacket and stalked out of the studio. Jae gave a troubled sigh and sat in the closest chair.

“Jae,” Dan moved to touch him, but Jae jerked back.

“Don’t,” Jae said, shaking his head.

Dan blinked. “Jae—

“Junghee is right. Since we came back from Chamonix, I can’t think straight. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, Dan.”

“Jae,” Dan sat in the seat Junghee had occupied. “That’s because you’re worrying about every little thing happening around you. Concentrate on music, I’ve told you before to leave it all to me. I’ll handle the problems.”

Jae dropped his head into his hands, staring at the floor.

“Is that ever fair?" Jae shook his head.

"I want to go home this weekend,” Jae said in a whisper.

“What?” Dan thought they were home.

Jae let out a soft sigh and dropped his hands, looking at Dan.

“I want to see my mom, Dan, and So Jin. I want to be home.”

Dan stared at him for a moment.

“I understand. Do you want to go alone?”

Jae looked around the studio.

“Yes.”

Dan winced, though he gave Jae a small assuring nod.

***

Jae hated arguing with Junghee and Andre. They were the people who knew him best, next to Dan. He should call Junghee, and apologize. Staring at his phone, his finger slid over Junghee’s number, but he couldn’t make the call. Dropping the phone on the kitchen counter, he went to the fridge and got a bottle of orange juice.

“Hyung,” Andre said behind him.

“You didn’t have to come in,” Jae said, closing the fridge. He drank deep from the bottle and wiped his mouth. “Jung ran out of here—

“After having a fight with you,” Andre said, “I know, he called me. He hates fighting with you.”

Jae sighed. “Glad we’re all on the same page.”

“He’s not wrong,” Andre said then, coming to lean on the island table.

“I don’t need you to tell me that, Andre.”

Andre picked up an apple from a bowl on the table and studied it.

Jae capped his bottle of orange juice.

Andre met his gaze, his expression closed.

Jae frowned.

“What?”

“Do you remember when you were dating Jaesun?” Andre asked.

Jae scowled. “I don’t think about that, Andre.”

“You should, because you’re acting the same way now.” Andre returned the apple into the bowl with a sigh. “You’re forcing yourself to stay in one box, to keep everyone happy, but instead you’re not happy. When you’re not happy, the music doesn’t work, Hyung. What is it with you?”

“I don’t need a lecture.”

“No, you need to fix it with Junghee,” Andre said then, his tone hard. “I hate it when you two are fighting and it’s been happening for a month now. We’re two weeks away from the deadline Dan gave us for the album. Do you think we’re going to make it?”

“Andre—

“Don’t,” Andre said. “I love what we are right now, Hyung. Find a balance already.”

Andre left the kitchen as fast as he’d appeared.

Jae placed the bottle of juice on the table and ran a hand through his hair, suddenly; it felt as though everyone was angry with him.

At five o’clock the next morning, Jae sat on the edge of their bed watching Dan sleep. They’d spent the better part of the night making love. He could still feel Dan’s lingering kisses; his body tingled at how thoroughly Dan took him. Jae leaned over Dan pressing a soft kiss on Dan’s jaw, breathing in his scent.

“I love you,” he whispered.

Dan shifted slightly, but didn’t wake up. Jae swept his fingers through Dan’s hair and got up, taking his leather jacket from the edge of the bed. He left their bedroom, and went downstairs. Ten minutes later, Jae turned onto a major highway headed home to Gong.

***

Jinho had caught a break. Jaesun’s plan was taking a while; the song he’d stolen for Jaesun was yet to be released so that he could call Jaehan. So, he’d taken to parking across Jaehan’s residence, waiting for a glimpse.

Then, at five-fifteen in the morning, the gates opened and two black Audi SUVs drove out. Excitement filled, and he started his car, understanding what was happening. He’d seen Jaehan do this before. It happened when Jaehan wanted to drive and go somewhere…Alone! Ken was driving one of the cars, Jae the other. Jinho followed the cars, as they drove into the city. For a moment, he was afraid he’d choose the wrong one, but then one of the SUVs made a turn, headed in the direction of Jade Entertainment.

Jinho smiled and followed the SUV headed out of town. Jaehan was headed out of town. Yes!

***

Jae drove up to his parents’ house at around seven-thirty in the morning. He parked his car at the front, and sat staring at the house for a moment. Opening the door, he slid out of the driver’s side, and stretched his arms out. He looked up at the clear sky and smiled. The air was the best out here, it never changed.

Dropping his arms, he closed the driver’s door and opened the back passenger door to retrieve the packages he’d brought for his parents.

He stepped back, closed the door and stopped when he saw his mother standing a few feet away. She looked wide awake. Her brown eyes warm and welcoming, her hair was held back in a ponytail. She smiled and opened her arms. He dropped the packages and stepped into her hug.

“Our Jae,” she said when he buried his face into her shoulder, closing his eyes when she held him tight. She rubbed his back. “Has it been hard?”

“I’ve missed you,” he said, realizing just how much then. He hadn’t made time to see her in months. Holding her now, he berated himself for not coming to see his mother more often.

“You’ve done well,” she said, patting his back gently. “You’re doing well, Kim Jaehan. Mom is proud.”

He smiled. “Omma, I’m hungry.”

Gae In laughed and stepped back to look at him. She reached up and touched his jaw, his messy long hair, rubbing the skin under his eyes.

“Dan called me last night, said you’d come to see me,” she said. “So, I cooked all your favorites.”

Jae kissed her cheek then turning to pick up his packages. He took her right hand in his, and they walked to the house. As always, his mother cooked for an army. Jae figured it was because she’d raised nine children and a husband. He dropped his packages in the living room, and headed to the kitchen after Gae In. He wasn’t surprised to find So Jin setting the table.

“Our Jae,” she said, jumping on him. “You look too skinny. I made you tofu soup. I bet you’re hungry.”

Jae laughed when she gave him a wet messy kiss on his lips then moved away to the kitchen counter. “I guess you’re hiding away here?”

“No, Dan called me,” So Jin said. “I came last night. I missed mum too. Plus, I wanted to get kimchi. Mine ran out.”

“Who are you cooking for?” Jae asked sitting down at the table. “New boyfriend?”

“Your sister doesn’t even have a boy she can call a friend,” Gae In teased placing a bowl full of tofu soup before Jae. “You should introduce her to some of the guys you work with, Jae. I’m worried. She scares away every man she meets.”

“Omma,” So Jin complained bringing him a bowl of rice, and proceeding to set side dishes on the table. “Am I really your daughter? How can you say that?”

“It’s because you’re my daughter I’m saying these things,” Gae In said urging Jae to start eating. “Or, I should call Dan. Dan will help.”

Jae chuckled, glancing at So Jin. “Should I tell her about your last boyfriend?”

“There have been a few more since the professor,” Gae In said, sitting back, watching Jae eat. “Do you think it’s because she’s so wish-washy? So Jin, try and be demure. Men like demure women.”

Jae started to laugh, but then he glanced up at So Jin and instead stuffed his mouth with rice. So Jin scowled and slid into the seat next to Jae.

“Should we talk about Jae and a wife?” So Jin asked, making him choke on the rice in his mouth. So Jin held out a glass of water and grinned, “A pretty demure wife, who wears Mary Janes.”

Gae In laughed, and they both stared at her.

“What?” Gae In asked, blinking. “So Jin, you don’t actually think Jae is getting married do you? That’s like waiting for the pigs to fly.”

Jae smiled and took a healthy bite of his soup.

“You knew,” So Jin said, leaning her elbows on the table.

“He’s my son,” Gae In said, watching Jae eat. “Which reminds me, why didn’t Dan come today?”

Jae shrugged. “I wanted time alone.”

“Trouble in paradise?” So Jin asked.

More like trouble in his heart, Jae thought. Junghee’s words kept running through his head like a song.

“I just missed mom,” he said with a small smile. Jae looked around the neat kitchen. “Where’s dad?”

“Gone to work,” So Jin said with a sigh. “That man won’t rest, even when his kids are coming to visit.”

Gae In reached for Jae’s coffee and took a sip. “Your father is a stubborn man. Let him work as long as he wants. It’s good for him.”

Jae sat at the kitchen table eating as though he’d been starved for months. He listened to his mother and sister talk about the family, updating him on his sisters’ lives. There was a family get-together coming soon. He promised to attend, knowing if he missed it they’d probably show up at his next concert venue and make a fuss. He shuddered at the thought of that happening.

When he finished eating, they gravitated outside, to the platform in the backyard. So Jin forced him into pink work gloves, and he knew he was going to be making kimchi.

“Open,” Gae In said, holding out a rolled up slice of cabbage filled with pepper and spices.

Jae took in the offering with no wince, making his mother smile.

“You’re used to it again,” Gae In said with a smile. “Last year when you first came back, you complained it was too spicy. I’m happy.”

Jae spread spice on cabbage leaves and passed them to his sister. The task was mundane. Chewing on super spicy cabbage slices while making kimchi…he felt happy.

“Should we go to the café later?” So Jin asked. “We can ride your bicycle.”

Jae looked up at the sky, the sun was shining. The weather was perfect for an afternoon ride.

“Hold the handles,” Jae said two hours later. He was on his bicycle, So Jin seated behind him. She had her arms around his waist. The wind felt nice against his cheeks as they rode down the hill.

“No way,” So Jin said, squeezing his waist. “What if we fall?”

“We won’t,” Jae said, slowing his pedaling allowing the slope to take over the work.

He let go of the handles and So Jin gave a startled scream. She held on tighter to his waist, and he laughed. He extended his arms out wide, enjoying the wind going through his hair. So Jin’s warmth pressed against his back, she chuckled and he wondered how he managed to stay away from this peaceful place.

***

“Do you want to talk about it?” So Jin asked him when they got a table at Kim Café in the small town. They sat in a secluded corner, the manager had promised to get them fresh cold drinks.

Jae sat back in his seat staring out the windows.

“Do you remember when I ran away here?”

“You didn’t want to talk about anything those days,” So Jin said. “You wouldn’t even call me.”

“Noona,” Jae said glancing at her. “I had a fight with Jung. He told me he doesn’t recognize me anymore.”

“You have fights with Jung all the time,” So Jin said. “Go have drinks and make up.”

“That’s not the problem,” Jae said with a sigh, he stared out the windows again. “I don’t think he was wrong. This year, I’ve had this insane feeling of fear, like time is limited. I’m worried about Dan…how long we can last… I keep wondering what I can do so that we don’t fall apart. Worrying, worrying…I can’t stop.”

Jae jumped when So Jin punched his right arm. Her fist was painful. He rubbed his arm.

“Idiot,” So Jin said when he scowled at her. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Why are you hitting me?”

“Because,” So Jin shook her head. “Do you know how jealous I am of you? How lucky I think you are? Do you think it’s easy to find someone to live with you the way Dan does? That man loves you; I sometimes can’t stand to see it.”

“Is love really enough?” Jae asked, thinking of Justine. Dan had loved her too at some point in his life.

“Listen to your big sister,” So Jin said leaning on the table so that she held his gaze. “Life alone is hard. It’s even harder when the right person is not showing up. Everyone wants someone to talk to on a really hard day, or when things are going so well. Someone to lean on when you’re weak, or even someone to call you when you least expect it and make you smile. That kind of right person is not a simple thing to find, Jaehan, I know. You have him living with you.”

“Noona.”

“The rest, those worries in your head, deal with them one at a time,” So Jin said. “Dan chose you, knowing what you are. So, there is no point changing what you are so you don’t lose him. You can accommodate him, but if you start changing too much…then you’ll expect the same of him. It will put a strain on both of you…suddenly you’re falling apart. Is that what you want?”

Jae shook his head, dropping his gaze to the table.

“He left home for two nights months ago, and I thought I was going to suffocate with fear from losing him.”

“See,” So Jin reached out and touched his jaw. “If you’re afraid, Jae, try being true to yourself and everything will fall into place. Dan, he’s not someone who makes a wrong choice. He’s with you 'coz he loves you, and he wants to be with you. Hmm…don’t ruin it.”

So Jin pinched his cheek and dropped her hand.

Jae met her amused gaze with a smile. “Should we turn you into a guru too?”

So Jin laughed. “What? Here I am talking you off the cliff, and you just want to tease me.”

“You’d make a pretty one,” Jae said pushing hair out of his face.

“I might make more money than you do.” So Jin pressed her palms to her cheeks. “People will come running to me for the visual shock.”

Jae scoffed. “Are you sure?”

“You’re not the only one with good looks in the family,” So Jin said scowling at him. “Speaking of which, it’s getting warm, shouldn’t we get you a new haircut? Aren’t you bored with that one?”

Jae stared at her, thinking that he too was tired of the long hair. He hadn't allowed himself to cut it in so long.

“After this, let’s go next door,” So Jin said. “There’s a barber there, let’s get you fixed up.”

Jae touched his hair, for a moment wondering if Dan would be disappointed. Their drinks came and he shrugged away the thought. He’d try doing things So Jin’s way, try having fun with life a little bit.

***

Watching from a distance was frustrating; Jinho took pictures of Jae leaving the barbershop. He felt relieved now that he knew the woman beside Jae was his sister and not a girlfriend. Still, did she have to hang on to Jae’s arm so tightly?

Jae laughed, tossing his head back in joy. He looked handsome, his new haircut bringing out his features more, cut shot on the sides, the top a wild brown mess, Jinho pressed a hand to his chest, amazed. Gods, even from this distance, he felt it, that terrifying attraction. Jae had no idea how beautiful he was, how devastating it was not to be able to touch him.

***

“How is it?” Dan asked. “Is your mom well?”

“She’s disappointed you didn’t come,” Jae said, leaning on the doorjamb at the kitchen entrance. “She had us make kimchi for you. So Jin made me do all the work.”

Dan chuckled. “You sound happy, Jae.”

“I miss you,” Jae said then, suddenly the need to hug Dan tight filling him so deeply.

“Get in the car, and drive back here,” Dan said. “I’ll be waiting, Jae.”

“In the morning,” Jae said looking out the door. The sun was already setting, and he wanted to spend more time with his parents and So Jin. “I’ll cook dinner for you tomorrow, hmm?”

“I will cook,” Dan said, “you just bring yourself.”

Jae stared at the sunset above the trees, love for Dan filling his heart. He’d been wrong. Calling this place home, he’d been very wrong. Sure, he missed this place and seeing his mother, but being with Dan, that was where he belonged.

“Dan,” Jae said then. “I’ll be home tomorrow. I promise.”

Dan exhaled in relief.

***

Jinho was careful to plan for every scenario. This was his last chance. After this, he feared Jaehan would be out of his reach. So, he worked hard through the night, siphoning gas from Jaehan’s car while he spent time with his family. He left just enough to take Jae out of the safety zone. He’d follow close, and offer help when it was needed, he thought with a smile.

***

The next morning, Jae allowed his mother to fuss over him while Gae In packed two medium-sized plastic containers of kimchi in his car. He hugged his mother, then So Jin. It was ten o’clock in the morning, and as he drove out of his parents’ home, he felt lighter than he had in months, almost as though clarity had found him.

Driving through the little city, he glanced at Kim’s café. Thinking he couldn’t wait to call his business manager and get started on his plans to open a second branch in Seoul. He’d neglected that plan for a while. Dialing Junghee, he waited through six rings before Junghee finally answered.

“I’m sorry,” Jae said first. “Junghee, Hyung, is sorry, okay. I shouldn’t have fought with you.”

“Hyung,” Junghee said.

“You know what; let’s go out for drinks later, hmm? I’ll buy. We can talk about that song you like, and then we’ll record again tomorrow. What do you say?”

Junghee gave a relieved sigh. “I’m sorry too. I lost my temper. It wasn’t easy for me, you know.”

“It’s over,” Jae said. “Don’t think about it anymore.”

“Hyung, where are you?” Junghee asked then. “I’ll come—

“I’m on the road,” Jae said, frowning when his gas light started blinking. “I went to see my mother yesterday. Now I’m on the way back, and for some reason the gas is minutes away from being empty. I could have sworn the tank was full yesterday.”

“When was the last time you drove into a gas station,” Junghee joked. “Hyung, did you even check?”

“I checked,” Jae said, deciding to pull over instead of being stuck in the middle of the highway. “I might need to call for support. Can I call you back?”

“Yes,” Junghee said. “I’ll call Dan for you. Don’t let any strangers into the car.”

Jae laughed as Junghee ended the call, and he dialed support. The lady on the other end of the call was pleasant, promising to send someone out in thirty minutes. Jae sighed. He should have stopped at the gas station in the small city. His eagerness to see Dan had stopped him.

Getting out of the car, he stretched his arms above his head, the landscape along the highway full of trees and fields, houses in the distance. Cars passed on the highway at high speed.

“Car trouble?”

The question startled him. Jae turned around, surprise slamming through him when he saw Jinho. He didn’t get a chance to react as Jinho reached him and stuck a syringe into his left arm.

“So glad to see you again,” Jinho said, as Jae lost the strength to stand, his head woozy, everything felt so distant. He closed his eyes, and blacked out.

***

span>Hyung - Older brother
Noona - Older sister
Kimchi - Korean delicacy, practically eaten at every meal. (also written gimchee)
Side note: In Korea, breakfast is treated like just any other meal.  You're likely to find a full course of regular food on the table at a regular Korean home..instead of cheetos, bagels and fried eggs.
That's a lot, cheers,
Sui