My Brother Daniel - 11. Chapter 11

By the time I get out of the hospital, I have fifteen missed calls on my mobile, all from a number I don’t recognise. I can guess whose it is. Ridiculously, I’m afraid to go home. Andy won’t know I’m at the hospital, how could he? But I wouldn’t put it past him to be sitting outside my flat waiting for me to come home.

I can’t face him tonight.

Taking a deep breath I call the number.

“Rayn, I’ve been worried about you.” The sound of his voice sets my teeth on edge and makes me feel sick.

“Don’t phone me again, Andy. Go home and forget about me. If you don’t leave me alone I’ll press charges for what you did to me.”

“What I did to you? What on earth do you mean?” He really does sound confused. Either he’d stupid as hell, or he’d actually insane. Could he actually believe I still wanted him, that I’d wanted him last night. “You’re the one who freaked on me.”

“Yes, and why did I freak on you?”

“I don’t know.”

“Because I didn’t want you to do what you were doing to me, Andy. I was trying really hard to get you to see that. I don’t want you anymore. I don’t want you to kiss me. I don’t want you to touch me. You wouldn’t listen. You wouldn’t stop. Dammit, my boyfriend saw us and thought I wanted to do those things with you.”

Andy laughs. “Your boyfriend? Don’t mess with my head, Rayn, that retard’s not your boyfriend.”

“He’s not a retard. Daniel is beautiful and he loves me. He’s gentle and kind and loving, all the things you’re not. Most of all, he respects me and he would never do to me what you did.”

“We keep coming back to that. I know you’re angry with me, Rayn; I understand that, and I don’t blame you, but I’ve apologized. I’ve told you how sorry I am and it’s over now, done with. We can start with a clean slate. I’m prepared to forgive you for last night and we can just move on.”

“Forgive me? Forgive me? Andy, you’re not listening to me. I. Don’t. Want. You. I’m not interested in you anymore. I have a boyfriend and a new life. I don’t want you in it.”

“You’re only saying that because you’re still angry.”

“I don’t know what I have to say for you to get the message. I have a boyfriend; Daniel. I’ve very much in love with him and I fully intend to spend the rest of my life with him. I don’t want to be your boyfriend. I don’t want you in my life at all. In fact, if you don’t leave me alone I’m going straight to the police to tell them you’re harassing me and I’ll press sexual assault charges for what you did last night. I didn’t want to kiss you, Andy. I didn’t want you to touch me. And I still don’t.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“Oh, I mean it. I totally mean it. I’m coming home now and if I see you anywhere near my house I’ll call the police.”

“We need to talk.”

“No, we don’t. I’ve said everything I have to say to you. I’m with Daniel now. Live with it.”

I disconnect the call with trembling fingers. I’m exhausted and I can’t deal with Andy right now. Just hearing his voice is bringing back memories I really don’t want and I don’t know how to deal with right now. It’s taking me back to a dark time and I have to keep repeating to myself over and over that things are different now. I have Daniel. I have Sara and even Lily. But it’s not different; nothing’s different. I’m a kid who’s just been thrown out of home by a father who’d always seemed perfect to me. I’ve been beaten and abused and my mouth tastes of blood. I’m cold and alone and…. My wrist itches and I scratch at it absently, hardly aware of what I’m doing. I’m hardly aware of anything. What am I going to do? I can’t go home, not now, not with Andy there. If I see him he’ll make me….

“Rayn, are you alright sweetheart?” I look up and almost pass out when I recognise Lily’s sweet face. “Is everything alright with Daniel? Is Daniel okay?”

“Yes, yes Daniel’s fine. He’s asleep. He ordered me to go home and get some sleep.”

“Good, he’s right.” Much more relaxed now she knows her son is okay, Lily smiles at me and puts her arm around her. “Do you have your car? Didn’t Sara bring you?”

I groan. And it goes from bad to worse. “No. I’ll get a tax back to Daniel’s and pick up my car.”

“You’ll do nothing of the sort. Wait here and I’ll send Sara down to drive you.”

“No, please, I’ll be fine.”

“Sit.” Lily walks me over to a bench and forces me to sit. “Now don’t you dare move.”

“No ma’am.”

“Cheeky.” She smiles at me and ruffles my hair. “You’re practically one of the family. I have to look after my boys.”

It’s too much. It’s just too much. I can’t bear it any longer and I start to sob. The fear, pain, horror, disgust… all pour out of me in a torrent of tears and I’m not even aware of Lily, kneeling in front of me until I feel her arms around me, holding me tight.

When the tears begin to subside I realise we have a bit of an audience. A nurse is sitting on the seat next to me and a couple of older women are hovering close by.

“Are you alright?” the nurse asks and I nod, too exhausted to speak.

“This is about more than just Daniel isn’t it?” Lily asks and I nod. “Is it about what happened at the restaurant? That man?” I nod again. “Has he been threatening you?”

“No, not exactly. He… he won’t accept I don’t want him anymore. He’s just…. He won’t leave me alone. He was always the same. He’s obsessed and he scares me.”

“Then call the police. Get a restraining order.”

“That won’t stop him.”

“Is he dangerous?”

“Only in that he’s driving me insane.” I’m rubbing my arm again and I can see both Lily and the nurse following my action. I stop instantly.

“Honey, you’re exhausted. You can’t think straight right now. You need a good night sleep and then you can think about what you want to do. Everything will seem better in the morning.”

“It is morning.”

“Later in the morning.” Lily smiles. “Are you afraid to go home?”

I feel deeply ashamed. I should be able to take care of this myself. I’m a grown man and here I am sobbing in the arms of strangers because they’re showing me some kindness. I’m a mess. Nevertheless, I nod.

“Alright. Wait here. I’ll send Sara down and you can spend the night at her house. She’ll stay with you and I pity the man who tries to get to you through her.”

I smile at the thought of a confrontation between Andy and Sara. Not even Andy could hold on to his arrogant confidence in front of her. A huge temptation floods me, to ask Sara to talk to him, to make him go away, but I can’t do that. I can’t get a girl to solve my man problems.

“Thank you,” I whisper.

Squeezing my knee, Lily gets to her feel and I watch her stride across the floor. She’d never break down like this over a man. I feel like a failure.

“Are you alright now?” I jump. I’d forgotten the nurse was there, even though her arm is still around me.

“Yes, thank you.”

“Can I get you anything?”

“No, it’s alright, you can go now.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying right here until your friend gets back.”

“What? Why?”

“Because I’m a nurse and I recognise signs of trauma and if I let you run out of here and something happens I’ll never be able to live with myself.”

“Nothing’s going to happen.”

“No, it isn’t, because I’m not going anywhere until your friend comes for you.”

“This is ridiculous.” Anger flares and I want to punch her, but I understand where she’s coming from and, to be honest, there is a great temptation to run. I’m glad of a reason not to.

“Okay,” I whisper and that’s a huge indication of how fragile I am right now.

“Do you need to talk? I mean to a professional. I can get someone down here.”

“A shrink?” I have to laugh. I’ve spoken to enough shrinks to unravel the minds of twenty psychopaths. They haven’t been able to unravel mine though. “No thank you. I’ve spoken to my fair share, and I even found one that helped, for a while. Besides, most of my problems right now are not inside my head at all.”

“You’d be surprised how many problems you think are out there,” she sweeps her arm around the now empty foyer, “are, in fact, in here.” She taps my head gently. “Sometime changing the way you think makes all the difference.”

I wonder if she’s right. I wonder if not being scared of Andy will make him go away. I have a feeling it’s going to take a lot more than that to get rid of him.

Suddenly, I’m very tired and I slump against the nurse. I think I must sleep because the next thing I know, Sara’s here.

“Come on, sunshine. Honestly, between the two of you, you’re going to turn me grey.”

“Will you be alright now?” the nurse asks kindly.

“Yeah, we’ll be alright, won’t we? Thanks for the help. It’s been a bit of a nightmare for Rayn lately, but I’ll take care of him now.”

The nurse smiles, pats me and disappears.

“Do you want to go home?” Sara asks as we head out of the hospital.

My instant reaction is to shake my head. “He’ll be there.”

“Goddamit, he’s got you good, hasn’t he. For heaven’s sake call the police, Rayn.”

“And tell them what? That I’m scared of my ex? He hasn’t done anything yet.”

“Yet?”

“You know what I mean.”

I walk with my head down, refusing to look at her. This is acutely embarrassing. I feel like the biggest wimp in the history of the world.

“Rayn, the man assaulted you. The police know about it. There’s evidence. All you have to do is go to the police and tell them you want to press charges. Explain about the harassment and they’ll put a restraining order on him. You can’t live in fear like this. I won’t be with you all the time and I don’t want Daniel brought into something like this, he’s got enough on his plate right now.”

A jolt goes through me as if someone stabbed me in the stomach. Daniel. Unbelievably, in all of this I haven’t given Daniel a thought. If I’m too scared to go to my own home and possibly face Andy, then how am I going to save Daniel from him?

“I’ll go. I promise I’ll go first thing in the morning, but I’m so tired I can’t think and the police will tie my head in knots. Can I sleep first, please.”

Sara gives me the gentlest and kindest smile I have ever seen on her face when she isn’t looking at Daniel.

“Of course. You look like shit. You’re right, you need to sleep. Let me take you home. You’ll sleep better in your own bed. Don’t worry about Andy. I know people like that. The chances are he won’t come near when there’s someone else with you and even if he does he’ll back down if confronted. If he does kick off you can be sure I won’t hesitate to contact the police and they’ll take him away. You’ve nothing to worry about.”

Easy for her to say.

All the same, we don’t see hide nor hair of Andy when we pull up outside my flat, or on the stairs or anywhere near the door. I half expect to find him in the flat but a quick search reveals no one. I heave a sigh of relief and start to relax. Maybe I’ve been blowing things out of proportion after all. Maybe he’s got the message and gone away. I want to believe that. God I want to believe that, but something inside just won’t let me release that tension, that knowledge that he’s out there somewhere and he’s not through with me yet.

“Right you,” Sara says, “shower and bed. Give me your phone,” she adds as I walk away.

I’m almost reluctant to hand it over. That’s just silly. If anything happens with Daniel it’s Sara they’d phone first and she’d let me know. If anyone else phones who looks important she’ll let me know, not that anyone will.

Standing under the hot water in the shower, I finally manage to relax. Massaging soap into my hair feels good and washing it out again, even better. It’s the first time I’ve felt really clean since the incident at the restaurant. By the time I get out and get dressed in pyjamas I’m feeling much more myself.

“I’m just going to make a hot chocolate and a sandwich,” I say to Sara as I wander to the kitchen, feeling relaxed and happy. “Do you want anything?”

“Let me make those. Why don’t you go relax on the sofa. I’ve put a soppy film on, I hope you don’t mind. I found it in the DVD folder.”

“Of course I don’t mind. Treat the place as your own.”

I automatically check my answer machine messages but there are none. No surprise there. Why am I even checking them? In the hope I might one day actually get a message? Or in fear of who I might have got a message from?

Sara and I eat our sandwiches in companionable silence then drink our hot chocolate watching the film. I start to nod in no time and I jump when my mug rises from my hand. I glance up to find Sara smiling over me.

“Time for bed, Rayn,” she says and I have to agree.

It’s cold in my bedroom and I burrow down under the covers until only my nose is showing. I’m so tired I drift before I even get warm.

A tap on the door has me wide awake and all my hard–fought– for relaxation and calm disappear instantly.

“What is it? What’s the matter?”

“Calm down, Rayn. You have a call, and I think you might want to take it.”

“Is it Andy?”

“Of course it’s not Andy. Do you really think I’d give him to you?”

“I…no…sorry.”

“So, can I come in?”

“Sorry, of course.”

A smiling Sara appears around the door and holds out the phone to me.

“Who is it?”

“Answer it and see.”

Somewhat reluctantly I take the phone out of Sara’s hand and put it to my ear just in time to hear Daniel say. “What the fuck are you doing Sara? I want Rayn.”

“You’ve got me, baby. How are you? Shouldn’t you be asleep?”

“I’ve been asleep. I was…was lo…lonely.”

“Isn’t your mother with you?”

“Yes, but she’s not you.”

“No, not me. Are you alright now?”

“Yes. I’m okay. Well, no. I don’t feel well. I don’t like being here but…but they…my mother and the doctor say, I…I have to stay here today.”

“You’re in the best place if you’re not well, Daniel. They can look after you there.”

“I know.” There was silence for a while. “I wish you were here.”

“I wish I was there, too. Do you want me to come. I can if you really want me.”

“No. Sara says you’re… in bed and that… that’s what I told you to do. I’ll be okay now…now I’ve heard you.”

“I feel better hearing you, too. I love you, Daniel. I’m glad you’re feeling better.”

“I…I’m sorry, Rayn. I don’t mean so…sorry, it’s my fault; I mean so..sorry it…it happened. You were all…all alone and the bad man hu…hurt you. I’m so…sorry I wasn’t there.”

“I’m glad you weren’t there, Daniel. It was horrible and I don’t want you to be caught up in anything horrible. I want to make the world beautiful and safe for you.”

“When you…you are…here, it is beautiful, Rayn.”

“I’m glad you think so. That’s exactly what I want, Daniel. I want to make the world beautiful for you. As soon as I get up in the morning…erm, afternoon, I’ll come straight over and I won’t leave until you leave with me.”

“Promise?”

“Absolutely. I can’t wait to be with you again.”

“I…miss you.”

“It’s only for a few hours.”

“Yes.”

“Rest and get some sleep too.”

“Can’t.”

“Why not?”

Daniel sighs deeply. “They won’t leave me alone. Keep…keep waking me up. I need…need…need to be…be home now. With my Rayn.”

He sounds tired, so tired. Rayn could sympathise, he felt the same himself. “It won’t be long. Take care of yourself.”

“Rayn?”

“Yeah.”

“Tell me you love me.” Daniel sounds so vulnerable, I want to throw my arms around him, hold him close and never let him go.

“I love you, Daniel. I love you so much. You’ve no idea how much I want to be holding you right now.”

“Yes, I do. I want it too.”

“Soon. Really soon.”

“As soon as you wake up.”

“Promise.” I’m having to struggle not to cry again. God it’s been a day for crying and I’m so emotionally unstable the slightest thing starts me off.

“Why does your voice sound funny?”

“I don’t know. Does it?”

“Are you crying?”

“A little. I just miss you so much.”

“Don’t cry, Rayn, I love you. I don’t want you to cry. Just think of me and my…my arms around you and…and kisses all… all over.”

“All over?”

Daniel giggles. “Ssh, Rayn. My…my mother is…is here.”

“Oh, that’s right, I forgot. I thought it was some big hunky doctor who was keeping you warm and comfy.”

“You’re te…teasing me.”

“Of course I am.”

“M…my…mother says I…I have to go now.”

“Okay. I’ll see you very soon.”

“I love you, Rayn.”

“I love you too, Daniel.”

This time, when I lie down I don’t feel so calm, but I feel so much warmer. I love Daniel beyond belief, more every day. It’s hard to be without him, to know he’s in hospital, but I know he’s going to be alright and soon we’ll be together again.