Mr. Brightside - 9. Chapter 9

Mr. Brightside

Chapter 9

Jason was going out of his head as he finished packing up his belongings. “How could I be such an idiot? What had was I thinking? What if Shane tells somebody?” The last bit didn’t really worry him that much; he trusted Shane, and besides, who would Shane tell? Shane was, and had always been shy, and as far as Jason knew he himself was Shane’s only close friend. But still, Jason was worried.

What if that one stupid moment screwed up everything? Not only their friendship, which would be major enough, but what if it fucked Jason’s life? What if rumors that he were gay got out? Sure, supposedly now in the 2000s it wasn’t that big of a deal, but Jason knew better, especially here in north Louisiana. Maybe if he was in some city, but here, in this small college town, “faggot” was still a powerful label, insult, and indictment.

And there were his parents; his mother had been talking about grandchildren since Jason hit puberty. And his father…...honestly he didn’t know. He and his father weren’t close, and Jason often felt he didn’t know that silent, intimidating man. Once, Jason had to read a Victorian novel for English class, and the narrator describes his relationship with his wife as one where he, the husband, always seemed to be ascending a narrow staircase while the wife always seemed to be descending at the same time. That’s how Jason felt about his father; they just always seemed to be slightly askew and in each other’s way without actually clashing.

Even after he had packed his car and gone to the Resident Assistant .to do a final walk through of the dorm room and check out, Jason was still distracted by his inner discord. Jason was so distracted, in fact, that the R.A. had to repeat almost everything he said to Jason at least twice.

Billy, the R.A., finally looked up from his checklist and asked, “Are you okay, Jason? You seem out of it.”

“What?” Jason asked, turning around; he had been staring into space. “I’m sorry...what did you say?”

“I asked if you were okay….you seem upset. Shane did too when he stopped by my room this morning. Did y’all have a fight or something? ”

“No,” Jason said. “We didn’t fight. I just have something on my mind.” He sought desperately for a reason for his woolgathering. “I….I….I haven’t found a summer job yet. I was trying to decide where to apply.”

“Oh,” Billy said, sounding unconvinced. He looked down at his clipboard. “It looks like y’all are planning to come back to this room again in the fall. Is that right?”

Jason nodded. Horrified at the idea that Billy may somehow have figured out at least something of what happened between he and Shane, Jason was forcing himself to pay more attention to the R.A.

“Cool,” Billy said. “Y’all were good residents. I’m going to be R.A. on this floor again next year, so I look forward to seeing you again.” He put a hand on Jason’s shoulder. “And remember, I’ll be here if you need anything….even if it’s just to talk. Got it?” Again, Jason nodded, desperate to get away from what was starting to feel like an interrogation.

The drive from Louisiana Tech back to his parent’s small farm, even though it was less than 2 hours, seemed endless. “It was just a kiss,” Jason kept telling himself. “It was only a kiss.” But he couldn’t convince himself. Every time he told himself, “It was only a kiss,” he knew, deep down it was a lie. Last night, with Shane in his arms and with their lips pressed together…..last night, everything had felt right…..like everything was the way it was supposed to be. But then morning had broken, and Shane had left without saying a word.

And what did that silent departure mean, exactly? Had Shane not remembered what happened? The blond didn’t drink that often, but when he did drink, Shane tended to over do it; Jason, witnessing the aftermath of some of Shane’s binge drinking episodes, which included puking, daylong headaches, and blackouts, had occasionally worried about his friend’s relationship with alcohol.

Shane hadn’t seemed that drunk the night before, certainly not the drunkest Jason had witnessed him, but Jason himself hadn’t been sober, so perhaps he wasn’t the best judge. And Shane was always so embarrassed the night after a binge, especially one he couldn’t remember; that would account for his being upset around Billy. Still……

Jason kept trying to convince himself that Shane’s being too drunk to remember was the best thing that could have happened. After all, when Jason, waking alone in the room, had first spied the note on Shane’s bed, he had been terrified to read it, thinking it would contain some sort of accusation: “Keep your filthy hands off me, FAG!!!” or “I’m finding a new roommate----one who isn’t queer.” That hadn’t happened, but any relief Jason felt was washed away by the realization that the kiss that had meant so much to him, was either forgotten by the other boy or was deemed something that should be forgotten.

Jason, after what only seemed like an eternity, finally did make it home. His parents, like Billy, noticed he seemed upset, but accepted his excuse that he was just both wired and tired from finals and moving out. A couple of comments from his father indicated that he knew that Jason was also hungover, but Mr. Reid didn’t make a federal case over it. Brushing off repeated attempts by his mother to feed him, Jason spent the rest of the afternoon and early evening unloading his car and trying to integrate the things from his dorm room into his bedroom here.

But what Jason was really doing was marking time until Shane called. It was early evening when his friend finally phoned. Jason had been listening to music and basically staring at the phone waiting for the screen to light up for a couple of hours by that point, but he still jumped when he saw the notification on the screen. It rang for a bit as Jason’s finger hovered over the screen; he was undecided whether to accept or decline. Finally, he hit the green button.

“Hey,” Jason said uncertainly.

“Hey.” A pause, and then Shane said, “Did check out go okay? Any problems?”

“No. Billy was cool. He seems like a nice guy”

“Yeah, he does. He said he was going to be our R.A. next year, too,” Shane said.

“He told me. That’s good. He was a cool R.A.” More silence.

“Maybe we should obey the no alcohol in our room rule next year; I’ve got a vicious hangover. Driving hungover is a bitch.”

“I know what you mean,” Jason said. He wanted to say so much more, to ask Shane about last night and how he was feeling. Before he could screw his courage to the sticking point, Shane spoke again.

“No more Jack Daniels for me. I’ll stick to beer. I was so drunk, I don’t even remember last night,” Shane said. And in that instant, Jason, somehow, knew the other boy was lying, but he didn’t challenge Shane.

“Me either,” Jason said. “Look, I think mom’s calling….I need to go.” He hung up. Shane had decided to pretend nothing had happened; everything would be okay. Everything WAS okay; everything except the fact that Jason know realized how much he had been secretly hoping that Shane’s call would be a very different kind of call. This rejection of the night before, instead of relieving him, hurt Jason more than he had ever been hurt before.

Even though his heart was broken, Jason tried to look on the bright side. Sure, Shane obviously didn’t feel the same way about him. But his friend was willing to pretend the kiss never happened. And Shane was right. The kiss should never have happened. What had Jason been thinking? “I wasn’t thinking,’ he told himself. “It was the Jack Daniels who was doing my thinking.” But deep inside, he knew the bourbon hadn’t made him do it; at most, it had only given him the courage to go for what he wanted. It wasn’t Jack’s fault the other guy didn’t want Jason back.

And why should he? Jason had no reason, other than wanting it to be the case, to think that Shane was gay. Sure, as he knew, Shane didn’t have much experience with girls---they had shared all their romantic secrets (well almost all, since Jason had certainly kept his locker room escapades to himself), and Jason knew that Shane was a virgin and had only made out with a few girls.

Shane was very attractive, and girls had definitely noticed him, but he was also painfully shy. His parents were the sheltering overprotective sort, Jason knew, especially his late mother. They had kept a close eye on him, limiting his extracurricular activities and discouraging any attempts at dating. Add to that the fact that Shane, because of his excellent grades, had been early labeled a nerd by his classmates, and you got a boy who, though very cute, had almost no social skills. Talking to strangers, whether male or female, old or young, tended to make him tongue tied and uncomfortable. Jason, ever since the early days of their relationship, had tried to coax him out of his shell, and had, to a certain degree, but it had been a long process with a still longer way to go.

At any rate, Jason had other things to worry about other than his broken heart. He had to get a job; his father was not the type of man who would allow his adult son to laze around the house all summer even if Jason hadn’t need the money for his next year at school. For various reasons, Jason ended up accepting a job at the local Wal-mart. It was less than enticing, but it was close to home and the mindless activity (he stocked the shelves), was actually soothing. He worked all the hours available to him and filled the time off work helping his mother around the farm.

Jason spent hours working in the vegetable garden, helped her tend her ever growing menagerie, and mowed the expansive lawn. And other spare time was spent working out on his father’s weight lifting equipment which was located in one of the sheds on the property. His goal was to be exhausted every night by the time he hauled his aching body into bed, praying that the exhaustion would result in dreamless slumber.

Jason’s parents noticed his lack of a social life enough to mention it. The one main cause of Jason and his parents’ fights over the years had usually been about his being gone too much or missing curfew. And during his whirlwind year of popularity when he was a senior, Jason and his father had some very testy exchanges. At the beginning of the summer, in fact, Ted Reid had a long sit down discussion with Jason to negotiate the issues of a college student returning to live at home after 9 months of making his own decisions. Mr. Reid, though clearly wanting to find a balance between hard and strict rules and total freedom for Jason, had seemed a little non-plussed by Jason’s ready acquiescence to the few requirements he asked of his son.

Still, however, the Reids were surprised at how little time Jason spent away from home unless working. He went out a couple of times with a redheaded girl from their church right at the beginning of the summer, but the relationship soon faded. When they asked him if everything was okay, he always told them that no one was around.

Ted and Barbara seemed satisfied by Jason’s pragmatic statements that none of his friends from senior year were around to hang out with; and this was true, in large part. Most of his friends who had skipped college had moved to larger cities with more opportunities or were too wrapped up in working to party. Most of the college bound kids had, unlike Jason, made arrangements for the summer to avoid coming back to Springfield, ranging from spending the summer with relatives to traveling in Europe (for a lucky few).

What Jason was doing was marking his time until school started again. He convinced himself that once fall came, and classes started up again, everything would be fine. By then, the weirdness with Shane would have blown over and been forgotten, and with the large selection of girls on campus, Jason would surely find one that would strike his fancy. That’s what he needed; a hot girl, not like these small town ones, a hot girl who would make him forget his confusion.

As the summer dragged on, Jason was successful, in the whole, in putting thoughts of Shane out of his mind. A large part of that was that he and Shane had little contact. Shane himself was busy with his summer job as a lifeguard at the parish pool. To make contact between the two more difficult, Shane’s cell phone reception in the rural parish was spotty, and his father and step-mother didn’t have internet access at the farm, so Shane only had access to the web during the brief periods he was able to use the library's computers.

Shane and Jason had been planning to meet over 4th of July weekend at Paul’s apartment in Shreveport since Paul, his friends, and several neighbors were planning a blowout at the apartment complex’s pool area, but Shane had to bow out at the last minute, needing to work at the pool after another lifeguard who was scheduled to work that holiday was injured in a car accident.

Secretly relieved that Shane wasn’t going to be there, Jason decided to go anyway after Paul texted him, assuring Jason that he was welcome and could crash at the apartment. Jason ended up having a good time; his only bad moment can when he ran into Jimbo. The big guy, however, had forgotten his conversation with Jason about his relationship with Shane, or he merely chose to ignore it. At any rate, Jimbo didn’t refer to the conversation or to Shane, except to remark it was too bad he couldn’t make the party.

Jason took this as some sort of positive sign. Maybe his own awkward moment with Shane, after a summer of pretending it hadn’t happened, would also end up being dismissed. Maybe ignoring something could actually make it go away, no matter what some people said. Maybe Jason actually could have a do-over in his relationship with the other boy.

Heartened by the party at Paul’s, Jason returned home in a much better frame of mind. And as former classmates started trickling back into town after their early summer plans, Jason began socializing more. He also made more of an effort to keep in touch with Shane, but that didn’t go as smoothly; with his co-worker’s accident, Shane spent most of his time working, and reaching him at home was difficult since Shane got bad cell reception as his house was so far removed from the closest town and his stepmother frowned at too much usage of the house telephone.

Still, they talked more than at the beginning of the summer, and Jason was relieved that Shane continued to show no indication of bringing up their last night together. Jason was concerned, however, that Shane seemed very down on the rare occasions they managed to talk.

During a trip to Shreveport, Jason learned that Paul was also worried about his cousin. Paul had passed through Holly Grove on a trip to visit family in the area. To say he was unimpressed with Shane’s new stepmother was an understatement. The phrase, “What a bitch!,” summed up his opinion and came up frequently when he discussed her.

“She makes it pretty clear that she considers him in her way; not to mention, since he wasn’t raised in that cult she calls a church, even though he goes every Sunday since she and his father insist, he’s a Hellbound sinner.” With a at wink at Jason, Paul raised his beer. “If she thinks poor Shane’s a sinner, you can imagine what she thinks of me and the rest of the family.”

With a sigh, though, the slight grin was gone from Paul’s face. “Poor kid, though. I know it’s getting to him---he’s been working like 60 hours a week at the pool and park to get away from the house. Next year, he’s planning to go to summer school to avoid going home even though it’s not included in his scholarship. He’s talking about getting a job next year to save up money or taking out loans. I’m worried about him, but I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

Paul put an arm around Jason’s shoulders and gave him a friendly hug. “Just keep an eye on my baby cousin, next year, okay? Make sure he has some fun.”

“Sure,” Jason said. “I’ll make that my number one priority.”

So now that he had a few impromptu party evenings with his old schoolmates and the occasional night hanging out with Paul to break his routine of work and workouts, Jason felt his summer taking a turn for the better. Still, with the beginning of school in sight and a massive end-of-summer blowout party planned at the lake house of one his richer classmates to look forward to, Jason was anxious for fall quarter to begin. After a bad start, he had ended up having an okay summer, and he felt ready to face Shane again as a friend.