Mr. Brightside - 18. Chapter 18

Mr. Brightside

Chapter 18

The next few days were spent getting settled down into living together. Since Jason’s job still had several weeks until it began and Shane’s doctors’ appointments were irregularly scheduled, they didn’t have a certain routine.

Some things were set. Jason, more of a morning person than Shane, got up first to get the coffee on and breakfast started. Then he would help Shane get up and dress in a tee and apair of track pants that snapped up the sides or shorts, always black. When teased about his all black wardrobe, Shane had responded, “I hit my Goth phase a little later than normal. Sue me.”

Ramon taxied Shane back and forth to his various appointments; Jason used this time to workout, to run his own errands, to tidy up the apartment, or to prep lunch and dinner. He could cook at bit, but Jason had been astounded at the time and effort necessary to produce three nutritious, home cooked meals a day. “No wonder all those 50s housewives needed ‘mama’s little helper.’”

But he didn’t begrudge the effort, and he grew to enjoy cooking. And while it took a lot of time, it wasn’t difficult. The dietician at the hospital had mapped out a basic meal plan, which Jason used for lunch and breakfast. For dinner, Viktor had enrolled them in one of those meal subscription plans, and a small cooler of fresh ingredients with cooking instructions arrived promptly each day around noon.

There had been no more deep discussions after the talk about Thomas, Prince Charming, and NIkolai, but the awkwardness Jason had feared might result from opening up to each other had not materialized. In fact, over the past few days, his main feeling was one of deja vu; he was reminded of their first, fun days of living together as freshmen.

The deja vu was helped by the fact that with every passing day, Shane looked more and more like the boy Jason remembered. The red hair had long since been shaved, and the fuzz that was growing back was dark blond, gleaming gold where the sun struck it. Desperate for fresh air after spending so long in the hospital, they spent lots of time outside, either sitting in the small enclosed yard behind the apartment (shaded by banana trees, it was pleasantly cool even in the heat of the New Orleans summer), or taking long walks around Bayou St. John and the lake at City Park, Jason pushing Shane’s chair. Exposed to the sun, Shane’s skin had begun to take on a bronzed, peachy glow.

This morning, after breakfast, Jason had decided to go for a long run to clear his head. Yesterday, in the mail, he had received another information packet about gay conversion therapy, this time from a clinic located near Shreveport. These sorts of things had begun arriving at the same time as Denise’s letters, which had started coming after he had blocked her number on his phone and changed the privacy settings on his social media.

He had tried to read the first letter, figuring he owed Denise that much, but after reading the first one, an almost incoherent mix of Biblical quotes, requests that he pray for help, and vitriol against gays in general and Shane in specific, he hadn’t opened another one.

Even more upsetting than Denise’s letters was the fact that his mother was on Denise’s side. With Shane’s waking up, it had taken Jason a few days to finally talk to his mother about the breakup; she had been furious.

His subsequent phone calls with his mother had been tense; Barbara Reid had made several cutting remarks about her son choosing a “friend” (and the way she had pronounced the word had made him wince) over his fiance and about playing house with said “friend.” She had also started pressuring him to attend church.

“Come on, Mom, I haven’t gone to church regularly in years. You know that.”

“Maybe that’s part of your problem. Perhaps you should reconsider some of your current life choices; some church might help you make better decisions.”

Combined with the conversion pamphlets, he wondered what Denise had told his mother. Did know she was gay? How had Denise figured it out? Had he been that obvious?

With the thoughts of Denise so prominent, Jason somehow wasn’t surprised to see the girl’s car parked behind the silver town car when he made the turn down the block to his apartment; it felt like this meeting was inevitable.

She was standing by her car when he approached. “I figured they were lying when they said you weren’t home.”

“Well, they weren’t. Why didn’t you wait inside?”

“Inside? In that den of iniquity with the queers?”

“Are you for real? This is the 21st century.”

“I’ll tell you what’s for real,” she said passionately, moving toward him and clutching his arm. “Hell is for real, and that’s where the path you are on is leading you. But Jesus is real, too, and he can help you. I can help as well, if you’ll let me.”

“Denise,” Jason said, trying to shake her grip off without hurting her. “Denise, stop. Just stop.”

“But you loved me,” she said, tears starting to stream down her eyes. “I know you did. You loved me before that…..that....” she removed her hands so she could gesture toward the apartment “.....Sodomite corrupted you. It’s not too late…..there are places that can help you….that can help you fight his influence….that can change you back.”

“What are you talking about? “

“That night you left me, I saw it, Jason…..I found the sick, perverted place you had been on your computer....the sites you went to….I know he did that, led you there.”

“What……” Jason stammered in confusion, trying to figure out what Denise was talking about. Then he remembered searching for Bywater Bad Bois and going to PornMD. “Denise...it’s not what you think….” then a thought hit him. “Wait….you went through my stuff? Are you actually crazy?”

“I have the right to know what my fiance is up to.”

“I’m not your fiance anymore.” He turned to go to the apartment. She grabbed him again.

“Jason….Please, don’t go in there. Come with me...back to Baton Rouge. We can help you. My preacher, my parents, your mother, Brad…..we’ve been praying for you. With Jesus’s love and your faith, you can be delivered from this sinful lifestyle.:

“My mother….you told my mother I was gay? I…...I….just go. Just leave…..leave.”

“NO!” she cried, clinging to him. “I won’t abandon you….” and she began loudly intoning the Lord’s prayer as he fought to disengage himself from her without hurting her.

Suddenly, the front door opened, and Ramon emerged. Quickly and with little apparent effort, he pried Denise from Jason. She struggled inefficiently in his grasp as he spoke. “You need to leave, ma’am. you can go voluntarily or in a police car. They’re on their way. It’s your choice.”

In the distance, they could hear the sounds of a siren. Denise could hear it, too, and she pulled herself from Ramon’s slackened grip. “I’ll go,” she said holding her head high, “but I won’t stop trying...l..I won’t stop praying….I won’t give up on you, Jason.” And with tears in her eyes, she hurried to the car and sped away.

“That’s your ex?” Ramon asked.

“Yeah,” Jason sighed.

“You have lousy taste in women.”

Jason shrugged. “Did you really call the police?”

“Of course not.”

“What are the sirens for?”

“Beats the hell out of me.” Ramon turned and walked back into the apartment.

Shane, moving slowly after a bad night, had taken so long to get ready for his appointment that he had missed the confrontation. For that Jason was grateful.

He had asked Ramon to not say anything to Shane. Jason needn’t have worried on that score. Ramon had listened to his request with clear boredom on his features before replying, “Look, kid, I’m sure this a big deal for you, but I got bigger fish to fry.”

After the other two left, Jason decided he might as well get the inevitable over with and call his parents. He dialed his mother’s phone first, but, as was usual these days, his call went straight to voicemail. “The irony,” he thought, remembering his own recent attempts at dodging her calls.

Sighing, he dialed his parents’ land line. His dad answered. After greeting his dad, Jason asked if his mother was home.

“No, sorry, son. She’s meeting with the preacher. She’s been counseling with him a lot lately….I’ll be honest, Jason, I’m a little worried. Something’s bothering her, but she won’t tell me what.”

Jason sighed again. “I think I know what’s wrong. Denise told her I was gay.”

There was a pause. “Well, considering how upset she was at the break up, that would explain things. And it explains why she wouldn’t tell me.”

“Why?”

“Well, Jason, I didn’t want to worry you, but your mom and I have been fighting a lot since your breakup. She got upset that I wasn’t more` upset. She wanted me to go down to New Orleans and force you…..I don’t know how she expected us to “force” a grown man to change his mind….to make up with Denise. And when I told her it was none of her damn business, she flipped her wig. It’s been tense since then.”

“Dad, I’m so sorry…..this all my fault.”

“Son, this isn’t. I mean, yeah, I wish you never met that girl in the first place at this point, but your mom has never been good at just letting things go and letting people doing their own thing. It’s just that up to now, you’ve gone along with her plans. But trust me, this isn’t the first fight we’ve had about this sort of thing.”

There was a long awkward pause. Before Jason could think of what to say next, Ted Reid spoke again. “Well, son, I know it’s really of my business, but I’m kind of curious. Is it true? Are you gay?”

Another long pause. “Yes, Dad.”

“I see. And is Shane your……special “friend”?” Ted put emphasis on the word, but it wasn’t the dismissive tone of Jason’s mother.

“Not like that,” Jason said, not aware of the regret in his voice. “I…...do have feelings for him…...but no, there’s never been anything like that between us.” Jason had experienced many surreal moments in the last weeks, but nothing had felt as surreal as this conversation.

“Is this a phase, you think, son?”

“No.”

“I see. Well, son, I can’t say I understand it, but you’re a grown man, and if this is what you want…….” he trailed off. “You need to be patient with your mother. This is not going to be something easy for her to accept…….Just, give her time.”

“What about you? Can you accept it?”

“Jason, like I said, I don’t understand it, but it’s not my life, so I don’t have to. I served with some good men in the military who were that way, and I learned to respect them. This is your life to live and you don’t have to apologize to me or anyone about how you choose to do that. You’re a grown ass man, now, and I’m proud of you, for what it’s worth."

Jason spent the rest of the morning feeling shattered. It was if the final ties holding his life as he knew it together had snapped and his life had exploded; in the aftermath of that destruction, the landscape was unrecognizable.

But as he went through the motions of showering, straightening up, and preparing lunch his mood lightened. The last barrier to living free was gone. His parents knew he was gay….hell, considering Denise’s loose lips, the whole world probably knew….and that meant he no longer had anything to hide.

By the time Shane returned from his appointment, Jason was in a happy place. His spirits were high enough to catch Shane’s attention, and after lunch, the blond mentioned it.

“You seem like you’re in a good mood. You were down this morning when I left. What happened?”

Jason thought for a while before answering. His instinct was to brush it off. He had talked a bit about Denise and their break up, omitting Shane’s role in that, and they had touched on their long ago kiss, and Jason’s jealousy….but….to go deeper….to tell Shane that he was gay…..maybe to express how he really felt……

Jason took a deep breath and stepped off the cliff. “Well…….I just came out to my parents….technically just to my dad, somebody already told my mom I was gay.”

“You’re gay?” Shane asked. “I mean….I figured you were bi….or questioning...I mean….you were engaged!”

“True, but Denise and I never had sex. She wanted to wait until after marriage, and I…..I….for obvious reasons didn’t push her. And yeah….I…..thought I was just curious and then tried to tell myself I was bi, but….no….I’m gay.”

“How did your parents take it?”

“Dad is surprisingly cool about it. Mom…...well, she’s not taking it well. I’m a little….not surprised exactly…..I always knew she would be upset, but I didn’t expect her to go all evangelical...she's apparently trying to pray my gay away. Dad says to give her time….I guess he’s right….at any rate I don’t know what else to do.”

“Who outed you to your mom?”

“Denise.”

“How did she know? Did you tell her?”

“She found some gay porn on my laptop.”

“And then she ratted you out to your mom? I mean, I understand her being upset her fiance is gay, but…..damn, that’s cold. But you seem okay about all this.”

“Well….i mean, I wish it hadn’t happened like this, and I am freaked out but…..most of all, I just feel free. I just feel like a huge weight has been lifted. You know what I mean?”

Shane grinned. A genuine, honest to God grin unlike any that Jason had seen on his face in years. “Yeah…..I think I know what you mean.”

The power of that grin, the excitement of the morning, the rush of freedom…..with emotion running wild through his veins, Jason was gripped with exhilaration, and almost powerless against the urge, he leaned forward and kissed those grinning lips.

It was a soft kiss, a brief kiss, reminiscent of the one that they had shared the night Jason had discovered Shane dancing at Le Coq.

When Jason pulled back, he looked into Shane’s eyes, searching for something. Exactly what it was, he didn’t know. They were full of emotion: hope….longing….and something else…..fear.

“The other night….there was something I wanted to ask you….something I’ve always wondered about. If I hadn’t gone along with you….if I hadn’t pretended not to remember our kiss….if I had been honest and told you that it was the best night of my life…...what would you have done? Would you have been willing to give us a go?” Jason asked in a low, husky voice.

“Jason……..” Shane’s words were so low, Jason could barely hear. “Jason, I loved so much back then I could barely stand it. I thought it was friendship, but …...no….it was love, and I wish….I wish I hadn’t run. But I did.”

Shane’s hand came up to touch Jason’s face, and Jason grabbed it, turning it so he could kiss Shane’s scarred wrist with tender lips. Shane’s eyes closed, as if in pain.

“I love you, Shane,” Jason said. “I know this probably isn’t the right time and place, but I’m tired of pretending. I loved you then, and I love you now. And I know a relationship is the last thing you need right now, but I want you to know how I feel and to know I’ll wait for you….forever if I have to.”

Shane’s eyes opened, and the pain in them made Jason’s heart ache. “Jason…….oh….Jason. That guy….the one you knew….the one you’re in love with…..he’s gone. I wish I could go back and be him….but I can’t. I’m used goods, baby.”

“I’m not in love with a ghost from the past, and I don’t care what you’ve done,” Jason exclaimed. “There’s nothing you could do that would make me stop loving you.”

“That’s easy to say.” Shane pulled back, and maneuvered away from Jason. “When you don’t know the things I’ve done.” He heaved himself up and grabbed his crutch. “Stay there,” he said to Jason, and hobbled to his room.

Shane returned after a moment, and he held out something to Jason. It was the thumb drive from the box holding his revolver. Jason took it gingerly, as if it were an evil relic of great power capable of destroying him.

“Watch this,” Shane said, “and then tell me if you don’t care about my past.” And then he turned and limped toward his bedroom.