Shattering - 5. Chapter 5 - Inquisition

I walked into the small downtown café, blinking as my eyes adjusted to the darker setting. It was a beautiful day outside, so I’d biked down here to meet up with Victoria for coffee. Up at the cash I took a moment to decide what I was having and then ordered a double espresso shot maple latte and a vanilla bean-blueberry scone from a short and sweet red-headed girl. While I waited for my order to be prepared, I looked around at some of the café’s house roasts and blends, the artwork displayed that was on sale, and some of the CDs of music by local singer-songwriter types. There was some cool stuff, but I wasn't in a buying mood today. The café wasn’t very busy, so I was called to pick up my order by the barista even before I expected it. Walking over to the counter, I caught his blue eyes and his smile widened just a bit. He was clearly family - gay family, that is.

“So you like it strong but sweet?” he flirted.

I smirked. “As long as it’s got a milky, creamy base I’m all over it.”

The barista chuckled and turned back to his work giving me a wink.

I smiled as I found a table by the window and sat down. I set my messenger bag against the window sill and my coffee and scone onto the table in front of me. Looking at my watch, I sighed. I knew I was early, but I wasn’t sure if I was early enough to try and get any work done. I was pretty sure Vicky was going to be late, anyway, but I was tired. I’d been feeling tired a lot lately, even though I am getting enough sleep. Mike’s complained that I’m tossing and turning in bed a lot. He’s had to get up and go sleep in the guest room some nights because of my movements. I guess my sleep quality has been poor, since I’m spending enough time asleep but waking up still feeling exhausted. Mike thinks I should go to the doctor about it, but I don’t know what that will do to help. It’s not like I’m having trouble falling asleep or waking up. I’m not having nightmares, either. Not that I can recall. I don’t know. This is a mystery to me, as I’ve never had sleep problems before. Well, not really anything that I have known about. We all have days here and there where we wake up tired, and can be tired for the day, but certainly not it happening so consistently like this.

I took a sip of my latte. Yum. Maple is one of those flavours that can be done very poorly, but this was perfect. I’m so glad Victoria introduced me to this place a few weeks ago. I’d dropped by here a couple times when I really needed to get out of the house and do some work in a different setting. I’d talked to Mike about it. He surprised me again by being supportive, and said that if I needed it to keep things fresh and inspired then I shouldn’t worry about spending a bit of money here and there on a coffee and snack while I work somewhere else.

“David!” Vicky called from the entrance, rushing over to my side and pulling me into a tight hug as soon as I stood. “Ugh, it’s so good to see you.”

“You too, Vicky.”

She sighed happily as she let me go, and then set her bag down on the chair across from mine after fishing out her wallet. “I’ll be right back. This girl needs some caffeine like a motherfucker.”

She returned a couple minutes later with a large mochaccino and a chocolate-almond biscotti. “So how have things been?”

I shrugged. “Not too bad, I guess. Mike’s been… I mean, things are okay. Better than they’ve been in awhile, I guess.”

Vicky frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It doesn’t mean anything, Vicky,” I replied, shaking my head and turning to look out the window. “Sometimes I just don’t know whether I’m being selfish or…”

“David, talk to me. What’s going on?”

I bit my lip. “That’s the thing, I guess. There isn’t really anything going on. I mean, things are better than they were a few weeks ago. Mike had been working so much overtime at the office, and bringing things home… and when he was home, he was in a bad mood so often that it was putting a huge strain on things. We had a talk about it a few days before your party, and Mike agreed that things had gotten way out of hand. He’s gotten a lot better about coming home at a reasonable time at the very least, even if he has to bring work with him. He’s taking more time to talk to me again and our sex life has gotten better, too, but…” I sighed. “Look, I just worry that now instead of expressing his stress and frustration at work he’s burying it once he gets home to try and keep me happy.”

“That guy...” Vicky said softly, shaking her head. “You really are a lucky one, David. He’s such a hard worker, and he loves you so much. If he’s that overloaded and yet he’s managing to do better with handling your relationship after you had a talk about the problems… well, that takes a lot of willpower and self-control.”

“Yeah, but it’s not sustainable long term, Vicky. It just isn’t.”

“I never said it was, David. If he’s suppressing his feelings it’s bad, it definitely is. Do you think he’s turning into a workaholic?”

“I can see it happening if things stay this way, but I’m really not convinced this behaviour is internally generated. Even if he’s better about minding ‘us’ right now, if he keeps working like this will he ever truly be able to invest himself in our relationship anymore? I keep thinking about this and it scares me. I keep seeing these different outcomes happening. I keep envisioning things just continuing to go downhill, with him slowly slipping away until we might as well just be roommates. Or worse, things could build up until he snaps - something just causing him to break. It should be his job, if that’s the case. It should be something at work, but I keep having this sinking feeling that I could do something wrong and trigger him. I don’t want things to blow up at home too.”

“Have you talked to Mike about any of this?”

I shook my head. “I don’t want to push too hard so soon after I’ve already asked him to cut back his time at the office. I’m pretty sure that he’s had some negative pushback from his boss over not staying as late as he’d like Mike to be there.”

“But is Mike happier? Even if he’s just bringing the work home instead of being at the office until late?”

“I…” I hesitated. I really didn’t know. At first I’d thought he was and taken everything at face value, but one morning when I woke up without him in bed with me again and the thought struck me that he was just hiding his stress, like I’d said a minute ago. That maybe part of the reason I was so restless in my sleep and why it was keeping him awake was because my body was reacting to his stress and his body was to keyed up for him to fall asleep and stay asleep easily. “I’m not sure anymore. I feel like it’s a mix. I think overall having him home so we can have dinner together, can share some quick kisses, and have more intimacy in bed has strengthened things. But again, I don’t think it’s enough. Not sustainable. If this was only a short-term bump it would be one thing, but it’s been like this for months. This pattern had started even before I got laid off from Globestar. For a while I thought my feelings were just stemming from the rut I was in after being let go, but there’s more to it than that.”

“Yeah, I remember you telling me he’d started to need to stay late at work, and then it was happening more and more often. We’d both thought it would be a temporary thing back then, right? You said that he told you they had him working on an important case then.”

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“Is he still working on the same case? Or has he been shuffled onto a knew intensive case because he’s shown promise and this is just part of the process in order for him to move up in the firm?”

“I… I don’t really know, Vicky. I mean, I’m sure you have to work hard, but…”

Vicky sighed. “These are questions you need to ask him, David. To be honest, the fact that you don’t know what he needs to do to advance his standing in that firm worries me, especially if he’s really set on moving up in the ranks to advance his career. Now that I’m thinking about it, I thought you also said he liked his boss back when he started there three years ago. You make it sound like that’s not so much the case anymore.”

“Yeah, he did but that guy was poached by another firm downtown. Mike told me his new boss was okay when the guy started, and even though he wasn’t as personable as Larry was this new guy seemed to be able to get the best out of the people working under him. Mike was actually excited to work with this new guy because of his reputation. That was just over a year ago.”

“So what do you think of this new boss?”

I shook my head. “I haven’t met him.”

“Not even at a work party?”

“We haven’t gone to anything like that since he first year he was there.”

Vicky frowned. “Why the hell aren’t you guys going to that stuff? It’s important on its own just for developing the feeling you belong in your workplace community. But even more importantly, there are always people higher up the food chain attending these kinds of events who will rarely see your face or your work during the normal course of things. Having the big bosses be able to recognize you from something even as simple as a brief handshake at a company barbecue can sometimes make the difference between getting a promotion and being passed over.”

“I don’t know, Vicky! He’s never brought that stuff up. I asked him about an office holiday party around Christmas this year, but he got sick the weekend it was supposed to be. But we’ve just been so busy with other things that I haven’t thought about it around the times when you’d normally expect these things to be. What with my Dad’s cancer diagnosis three years ago and then… I… I guess my priorities weren’t completely straight. Or maybe I’ve just been too wrapped up in myself, okay?”

Vicky shook her head. “Don’t beat yourself up over it, David. It’s Mike’s responsibility to deal with those events in whatever way he chooses, even if you or I disagree with him on the matter, okay? You just need to go along for the ride and support him. It just makes me wonder about what’s going on at his work that he doesn’t want to show up for social events. I’m probably reading into it too much. We both can forget how introverted he can be sometimes.”

“Yeah…” I croaked. I was starting to feel like real shit. “You know, I wonder how much of all of this has to do with me losing my job?”

Vicky raised an eyebrow. “Huh. That’s an interesting line of thought. Continue.”

“Well, I’ve been… I mean, I was really depressed about the whole thing for a while, and I think I only really noticed how his work schedule had gotten out of control right then. I mean, it’s like once I suddenly had all this time on my hands I’ve started to focus on him more because I just haven’t had much else… focus on him, and what he’s doing to support us, and on me not doing my fair share anymore... “ I sighed. “We don’t have money problems, not even close, but I’ve felt like there’s been this subtle undercurrent of pressure for me to get back out there and get a permanent job even if the contract work I’m getting is working out not too bad. There’s a part of me that is wondering if I had more to do then I wouldn’t be as concerned or stuck on any of this.”

“Well, the only way to find out would for you to either get a new job or really dive into a hobby, a sport or something like that. In particular I mean something with a decent social element. I know you love cooking, but it’s pretty solitary unless you are taking cooking classes and let’s be real here, David, you don’t need any lessons on improving your cooking. What about something else?”

“Maybe I should take up racquetball again,” I pondered. Racquetball was a sport I’d taken up in college at the insistence of my roommate and best friend, Brady Ngaiba. “I haven’t really played since Brady moved to Vancouver, but I always loved it. We had a lot of fun, even if he kicked my ass most of the time. I held my own pretty well in the league, but Brady’s always so competitive!”

Vicky smiled. “That sounds like Brady alright. But yeah, racquetball would be great for you. I’m sure there are some gyms or a YMCA near us that has courts and maybe a league you could try out. And you could stop using that pathetic set of weights you are using and hit up a real gym like Mike does, finally!” Vicky ribbed me, laughing.

“Hey!”

“Speaking of Brady, how is Mr. Ngaiba doing, anyway?”

“Last time we talked, things were alright.”

“Last time?” she prodded, raising an eyebrow.

I swiped a hand across my face. “It’s been about a month since I talked to Brady, okay. Time’s just gotten away from me. It’s not like he’s called me either.”

“Why am I suddenly getting the feeling that you haven’t even said anything about this stuff to him? He’s your best friend, David! If anyone would have some insight into helping you sort through all of this stuff, it would be him.”

“Can we stop with the guilt tripping for a minute, Vicky?” I practically growled, getting a bit testy. “I’ve been planning on calling Brady for a while. It just hasn’t happened, partly because I’m an idiot and partly because he’s been busy with his own life and his own job and his own girlfriend who does her best to monopolize his time outside of work living in Vancouver in a different goddamn time zone. It’s not my fucking fault he decided tuck his tail between his legs and move all the way across the entire goddamned continent for that bitch.”

I dislike Brady’s girlfriend Divya. No, that’s clearly not doing my feelings justice. I hate Divya Bhagat with a capital H, and not just because she dragged him away from Toronto and all his family and friends three years ago. Not even because it was right in the middle of my dad’s battle with cancer, right when I needed Brady’s support the most. No, she’s a snotty bitch who acts like she needs constant attention and showering with affection to prove one’s love is worthy of her. She didn’t even consult with Brady when she applied for the promotion and transfer to the Vancouver branch of her company. She just told him about it when she already had it finalized. It baffles me as to what Brady sees in her, other than her admittedly large rack. Fuck, apparently she isn’t even all that good in bed compared to some of Brady’s ex-girlfriends. Especially Ashley. Ashley, the crazy goth-punk girl with the tattoos, the leather and metal fashion styles, the great music and the great taste in food. I liked Ashley. Why couldn’t Divya be more like Ashley?

“Okay, okay, David. Sheesh,” Vicky backpedalled as she sat back in her seat, holding her hands up in surrender. “Look, let’s go back to you and Mike and all of this work stuff. Here’s another thought I’ve been wondering for a while now: have you guys considered just moving to Oakville? I know you both like the neighbourhood we live in and having close access to the subway and all things Toronto right in your grasp, but you aren’t working downtown anymore. The immediate need to stay here living close to the subway has disappeared. If you were close to Mike’s work then at least his commute could be around ten minutes or even less instead of an hour to an hour and a half depending on how traffic is on the QEW and the Gardiner1. That would at least give you two some more time together in the morning and hopefully in the evening as well.”

I sighed. “Yeah, but if we moved I feel like that would give his boss even more excuses to demand he stay late at work. Neither of us want to move out of Toronto, Vicky. We’ve talked about it, believe me, but he wants to be here as much as I do.”

Victoria sighed. “David, you can’t be passive about this. Just because he thinks this is what he wants doesn’t mean it’s what is best. You have to convince him that some things in your lives are necessities, and some changes need to be made so you can have them. You have to draw the line somewhere. I know you want him to be successful with his career, but there is only so much you can sacrifice. You need to decide how much that is and make it clear to Mike what your needs and expectations are. If he can’t meet them, then the two of you need to have a serious talk about why you are continuing to be in this relationship.”

I hunched forward in my chair, my stomach clenching at those words. My hands started to shake, so I set my coffee down before I spilled it. I started to feel short of breath. I couldn’t do this, not right now. I can’t think about something like that.

Vicky reached across the table and put a gentle hand on top of mine. “David, I’m just trying to help, okay? I don’t think you guys are anywhere near the breaking point yet. I’m just trying to get you to acknowledge what you need to do to prevent things from getting to that point in the first place, okay?”

I nodded, taking a couple deep breaths. “Can we talk about something else, please? I can’t… I just can’t handle the Spanish Inquisition right now,” I squeaked out. I needed to get my anxiety under control. God, it seems to be creeping back into my life again. Just what I need right now. Just another thing I have to figure out and fix.

“Sure. What would you like to talk about?” Victoria conceded.

I looked up at her, took in the utter concern on her face and then drew in another deep breath. Okay, not Mike, not Brady or Divya, not me. Victoria. Ah, I didn’t even need to think about it. Actually, I knew exactly what she would want to talk about right now, so why not? It was originally the thinly veiled reason we were meeting up today, anyway. “Okay, spill it. How are things going with Mark?”

Vicky’s eyes lit up and she began to dance in her seat, positively vibrating.

“Good, obviously,” I mumbled dryly, chuckling at her antics.

“God, David! I can’t believe it! I just… I still can’t believe it!” she gushed.

I raised an eyebrow at her sassily. Vicky brought her hands up to cover her mouth, trying to contain herself. She shook her head and then ran her hands through her hair with a fluttery , contented sigh.

“You’re right, I need to calm down,” she acknowledged my silent communication. “David, I just… I don’t know how to say this… Everything with Mark, it just feels right. Like home, like fate. And you know I don’t believe in fate.”

“That’s for sure.”

“I am not entirely sure what to think right now because it’s still so new. It’s like this stupid struggle to not get too wrapped up in how I feel. I’ve known Mark for four years now and even though I’ve always liked him and have been attracted to him, I didn’t… God, David, it’s like the more I get to know him the deeper I feel this connection. At the same time it’s like everything is just reinforcing a connection that was already there, just waiting for us to discover it. It’s like everything that I learn about him makes sense, like another ember building up this fire in me. I am so worried that it’s an infatuation and I’m going to build everything up into something completely unreasonable and irrational and it’s going to come crashing down around us both.”

“That’s… wow, Vicky, that’s intense.”

She nodded and leaned forward onto her elbows. “The funny thing is, when we are together it doesn’t feel like such an overpowering rush. It feels calm, settled and comfortable. We can talk for hours about anything, but we’ve spent time together where we’d both had work to do but still wanted to be in the same space… and even that silence together, it was comfortable. Just having him there, it’s enough.”

Vicky had this faraway look in her eyes. “David, it’s never been like this before. I’ve never felt like this for anyone, and I don’t really know what to do.”

I smiled softly. “That’s probably a good sign. You don’t know what to do because maybe with Mark you don’t have to do anything. You can just be yourself.”

“Was this how it was with you and Mike?”

I felt myself being swept away in a tide of memories, back to the early days of our relationship. Meeting at Toronto Pride, the amazing dates we went on to the Toronto Islands, to Wonderland, to Casa Loma, to a Mirvish show… Going out dancing on Church Street, all those wonderful lunches and dinners… and the nights together in one another’s beds. The sex, the intimacy, the passion, the closeness of our bodies as we slept in one another’s arms.

“I think so. I never really believed in love at first sight, and I think I was just lucky that things worked out with Mike. But even if you and Mark have known each other for a few years now, I think both of you hold a lot of your cards close to your chests. The fact that you are feeling this way now that you’ve opened up to each other says enough, I think. I never felt like I needed to hide things, hide myself or my life from Mike in any way.”

Vicky nodded. “Did Mike mention anything about us after we had brunch with you two on that Sunday?”

“When I asked him what he thought about the two of you, he said the four of us eating brunch together felt like it was two couples that had been together forever and were great friends just catching up.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, he was a bit surprised to be honest. You and Mark play well off one another, and there was this ease in your familiarity that… well, it’s something that I think is hard to fake, Vicky. Frankly, I find it a bit baffling that you two are so at ease with one another. I mean, the four of us have been friends for a while but level with me here - was Mark bullshitting me when he told me that you’d only started talking more during the couple weeks before the party, and you were the one who initiated?”

Vicky blushed. “Uh… yeah, it’s true. Well, true-ish.”

“And what brought that on all of a sudden?”

“Mark called me to ask for some advice on his front garden. It was a totally innocent cry for help, because that garden is still a complete mess. He’s been living in that place for two years now, and it’s almost shameful. I told him I’d be happy to give him some advice on whipping it into shape.”

Victoria was slowly working her way to getting her Master Gardener’s certification and did some volunteer work with the Ontario Master Gardener’s Association, providing horticultural advice and some practical help to community members. Her love of rhododendrons and azaleas was common knowledge among our closer friends, and those of us who have some yard space have all ended up with at least one planted in our landscaping.

“Anyway, I came over to his place and we walked around the space and I told him what I thought he should pull up, which was pretty much everything, and started going over some easy-maintenance options for him. After we finished up, we went inside for a drink and I ended up staying over for supper. He cooked and I just provided moral support. You know if I’d tried to help out exactly what kind of horrific state our food would have ended up in,” she laughed. “At some point I realized that this was the first time we’d ever really been alone together, just hanging out and chatting. It was just so… I don’t know. There’s a way in which it almost felt like a ridiculously comfortable first date. I didn’t really want to go home when we finished our post-dessert coffees, but I had to get up early the next day to head up to Snug Harbour. Aunt Loretta and Uncle Vince were down from Ottawa to stay with Mom and Dad and have a little getaway on the lake and I never get to see them so I wanted to make the most of it.

“Anyway, I wanted to see Mark again, one on one. I knew it beyond a shadow of a doubt. I wasn’t really sure if it was going to go anywhere because he can be pretty hard to read sometimes. At least, that’s what I thought. He’s so quiet and unassuming sometimes that I was worried I was reading the signals wrong. So I made up an excuse that I’d thought of a few new things and drew up a couple plans for some of his plots and brought them over for him to have a look at. Then I encouraged him to take me along when he was going to go out and buy things in case their were more strokes of genius, so we made a schedule for that. It was like we were putting together this secretly coded plan for having our dates, all in the guise of me helping him pimp out his garden, ha ha ha!”

“And then the party happened,” I inserted, smiling at how things came together for her.

Vicky nodded, smiling. “It sure did.”

“Jeez, Vicky, that’s wonderful. I don’t want to jinx things by saying this, but someday that will be a story you’ll love telling to your kids and-”

I was cut off by the ringing of my cell phone. I looked down at it and frowned. It was Globestar. They probably wanted me to do some last minute things for some stupid project they couldn’t handle anymore because of the layoffs. I looked up at Vicky.

“Go for it,” she permitted, sitting back in her seat and taking a drink of her coffee. She turned to look out the window with faraway eyes. Yup, back into lovers’ dreamland.

“Hello?”

“Hi David, it’s Laleh Ghorbani calling. You remember me from Victoria’s party, I’m sure.”

“Oh, hi Laleh! How could I forget the Twister Queen?” I razzed. I could here her bell-like laughter. “Nice to hear from you. What can I do for you today?”

“Well, David, I know you were told when you were let go that we hoped many of the staff layoffs would be temporary until the economy and our business prospects bounced back. Well, we seem to be arriving at that point and given the amount of work we are contracting out to experienced professionals such as yourself it has been decided that we would start the process of hiring staff back as needed. We’d like to offer you the chance to interview for the open graphic designer position. Are you interested?”

“Hell yeah!” I blurted out before I could even think.

Laleh laughed again. “I’m glad to hear it, David. I’ll get in touch with you soon once we figure out our schedule for interviews. There are some other jobs we are hiring for as well, so it’s going to be a bit of work to sort it out. Do you have any questions for me?”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“Alright. I’ll let you get back to whatever you were doing. If any questions do come up, feel free to call me and ask. It’s great talking to you, David, and I look forward to seeing you in here for the interview. Cheers!”

“Thanks Laleh. Bye!”

I hung up the phone and looked over at Vicky. She was still staring out the window. “So…”

“Huh?” Vicky turned back to look at me blankly.

I grinned. “Guess who just got called in for an interview as a graphic designer!”

Vicky’s eyes widened. “Oh my god, David! That’s great!”

“I’m so excited! God, it was getting to the point that I’d given up hope.”

“Wait, who called? You didn’t tell me you put out any new job applications!”

“I haven’t Vicky. It was Globestar.”

Vicky smiled. “I told you they’d come through in the end.”

“Yeah, well, I have good reason to mistrust HR, even if there have been some changes in that department since I left. Laleh implied that I’m not the only person they will be interviewing for the position, so I still have to make sure I get all my ducks in a row. Cover letter, resumé, portfolio, the works. The references situation is going to be a little weird to handle, considering Steve was the one who decided that they should can me, and my old boss Jerry retired a couple years ago. Fuck, going in front of a hiring panel with Steve on it is going to suck complete balls. Maybe this isn’t such a good idea after all.”

“Oh, you don’t have to worry about Steve. They fired him on Wednesday, finally.”

“Wait, seriously?”

“Yup.”

“Jesus, Vicky! We’ve been sitting here for how long this afternoon and you didn’t think I’d want to know about that?!”

Vicky chortled. “Don’t worry, I was saving it for the very end of the conversation. I guess Laleh just forced my hand.”

I rolled my eyes. The two of us continued on with light conversation until Victoria needed to go. I took out my laptop to try and do some work, but I couldn’t concentrate. Between Victoria’s probing questions and my anxieties about my relationship with Mike, about what’s happening with Brady, and now the excitement of this job interview, I just couldn’t concentrate. Oh well. I thought about texting Mike about dinner but then thought better of it. I probably wasn’t going to get much of a response anyway.

I finished my coffee and scone and then went to collect my bike. I was really starting to like getting around the city on it when I had the time and when the weather was nice. I’d stop by the grocery store on the way home. I landed a job interview, and I deserved a treat. We’re having steak. Better yet, steak in a cognac brie sauce. God, this is dinner is going to be amazing. Fuck yeah, it will!

As I wended my way through the streets, I couldn’t help but feel a strong ambivalence settling onto me.

Had today been a good day or bad?

Maybe I should ask myself that question after Mike gets home tonight. He’ll probably be late. That’s been the trend again. He’ll arrive late and have to reheat his meal because fuck if I’m waiting any later than seven to eat. Reheating the cold steak is going to make it tough, and the sauce might split. Ugh.

No, wait. You know what? I don’t give a fuck. I’ll let him know what I’m doing while I’m in the grocery store, and if he can’t make it home on time for dinner then it’s his problem. Will he go to bed grouchy right afterwards, or can I get him relaxed enough to fit in some sexy time before he went to sleep? It was something we both could use.

Was today a good day or bad?

Maybe I should wait to ask that question until we are falling asleep. Hell, maybe I should wait until I wake up tomorrow morning. Would I wake up to an empty bed because I was tossing and turning too much for Mike to get a good night’s sleep lying next to me? Or would I find myself wrapped in his arms, staring into his eyes, sharing our good-morning shower?

Was today a good day or bad?

And what would tomorrow be?