die catfish, die. - 12. sugartits

And I feel that time's a wasted go
So where ya going to tomorrow?
And I see that these are lies to come
Would you even care?

STONE TEMPLE PILOTS - PLUSH (1992)

* * * * *

Reagan sat back and folded her hands into her lap. “Wherever you want to start,” she said. “I’m all ears.”

“Straight to business.” Eli scoffed.

She plucked a pen from the crook of her ear and held it over her pad. “Want to start with old business? How you’re coping with Jacob? Do we talk about the flavor of the week? Or do we start with the little jerk who did all this to you?” She held her hand toward Eli.

“Jesus, you sound like my mother.”

“It’s probably a maternal instinct. I don’t like seeing my patients roughed up like this. And you don’t have to call me Jesus—Reagan is fine.” She paused. “Believe it or not, I really do care about you, Eli.”

Eli sighed.

“You know who did it, don’t you?”

“I might,” Eli mumbled.

“That’s a good start.” She scribbled a few words down on her notepad. “I’m going to put this out there, but if you knew this kid who beat you up, you could have put him in jail.”

“I know that.”

Reagan nodded. “Okay. Then why didn’t you tell the officers when they asked if you knew who did it?”

Eli stared at her.

“Are you protecting yourself from something?”

He sighed.

“Did he know something and you’re afraid he’d−”

“Look,” Eli interrupted. “It’s not about me. I know I could have told on him and gotten him in trouble. And who the hell knows what would have happened to him, or even me?”

“Then who’s this about?”

“It’s not that simple.”

Reagan leaned forward in her seat. “Eli, you don’t have to shoulder this yourself.”

Eli tapped on the armrest. “What happens to a kid if his parents are extremely religious and they find out he’s gay?”

“That depends on a lot of things. I would hope that−”

“No, not hope. Realistically, what would happen to him?”

“Usually, in most circumstances involving gay children and religious parents, it’s not a good outcome for the child. It’s getting better, but it’s not perfect.”

Eli glanced out the window and watched the cars below dancing in and out of traffic. “My mom calls him Bastard Fuckface. I’d love to hear her have to use that name in one of her court depos.”

“Who, the boy that did this to you? Or the religious kid?”

Eli shot her a nasty glare.

“So why are we defending Mister Fuckface?”

“We’re defending Mister Fuckface because if Mister Fuckface goes down, it means religious kid has his dirty laundry hung out to dry.” He stared at her for a reaction. “You’d probably say he’s manipulative. He’s got his claws into that family, and religious kid’s mother thinks Mister Fuckface walks on water. He can do no wrong. He even speaks in tongues.”

“He speaks in tongues?”

“Whatever religion does that.”

“The devil spoke in tongues.”

“He knows how to fake it. Religious kid’s mom thinks Mister Fuckface is channeling Jesus, but religious kid says he’s being a bastard and faking it─because he can. And Mister Fuckface knows religious kid isn’t religious at all. He doesn’t believe in God. So, between that and possibly being gay, I’m sure someone would get some crazy, out-there ideas about shock therapy. I can’t do that to him.” He sighed. “I really can’t.”

“You know what Mister Fuckface is getting away with, right?”

“It’s just me. I’ll take the pain. I’ll find new friends and move on. I hear it gets better in college.” Eli glanced at his wrist as if he were looking at a watch. “Seriously, what’s three more years?”

“What about─”

“I care about religious kid too much. Fuckface Bastardpants has him by the balls, and that sort of shit would hurt him more than Fucktwat Shitbrains hurt me. Otherwise, I would have said something.”

Reagan nodded. “You know, you might be surprised. His parents might take it fine. Fuckbitch Sugartits might not even say anything about your non-religious possibly-gay religious friend.”

“Maybe, maybe not. But I couldn’t do that to him.”

“For what it’s worth, I think you’re making a mistake. I admire your selflessness, I really do, but you might regret it later.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

* * * * *

Eli stumbled into the school twenty minutes past the second-period bell. Slowly he ambled past the gym, heading toward his locker.

His mother had forced him to stay home Monday and Tuesday, which he had done with no objection. Every little twist, every breath, hurt his sides. Every time he had to take the backpack off his shoulders, he’d yelp and scrunch up his face.

Maybe Reagan was right; maybe he was making a mistake by not saying anything. But, Eli figured he knew what he was doing, and maybe it would give Chase some sense of normalcy. He deserved that much, at least.

Eli walked past a small crowd of kids waiting outside the library, and stopped in front of his locker.

13 Right. Left past zero to 48. Right to 23.

He tugged the latch and pulled open the door, letting his backpack fall off his shoulders; it was easier than trying to take it off. He slowly knelt and unzipped his bag, pulling out several large books to stow until after lunch.

With a good deal of effort, he stood up and slid the books into his locker.

Suddenly, the door slammed shut mere inches in front of his face; he jerked back.

“So, do we have a problem?”

Eli took an uneasy sideways glance at Joey. “Why would we have a problem?”

“The office called me out of class three times this week.” Joey glanced down the hall and shouldered up to the lockers. “Seems people have this crazy idea that I beat the shit out of you.”

“Not sure why. I didn’t say anything.”

Joey pushed off his shoulder and put himself into Eli’s bubble─uncomfortably close, Joey’s face an unavoidable mass hovering in Eli’s vision. “Remember what we talked about. Chase is off limits to you.”

“Whatever,” Eli mumbled.

“He doesn’t have anything to say…” Joey dug several fingers into Eli’s side, “...to a fag like you.”

Eli collapsed to his knees, the blinding white pain filling his body, as if every muscle in his torso had cramped all at once. He bit his lip and mewled in pain, holding a hand over his side.

Joey squatted down, draping his elbows across his knees. “This is where we part ways and everyone forgets you exist. Don’t make this a thing for Chase.” Lightly, he patted Eli on the face several times. “Fuck you, loser.”

Eli shut his eyes tightly and took several long, controlled breaths. When he opened his eyes again, he was alone in the hallway. With every ounce of energy he had, he pushed himself to his feet, pulled his bag over his shoulder, and walked to class.

* * * * *

Eli sat alone at a small table in the cafeteria. He wadded up what was left of his sandwich in the Subway wrapper which it had come in, and stuffed everything into an empty potato chip bag. After slamming the rest of a cucumber and lime Gatorade─Jesus, why did this flavor exist?─he glanced around the room.

Other than his ailing body, this is what normal used to feel like─before Jacob and Chase and Joey.

Eli gulped. He had lost sight of Jacob in his mind, and wished that he could have one more day with him, to feel the warmth of his body pressed up against his skin, to feel his soft lips against his. Eli had lost sight of himself, who he was, because he had let his guard down for a guy like Chase, and he had paid a price for it.

He walked down the long hallways of the school to the room where he was expected to be next, wondering to what levels of bitchery Stockton would sink to in regards to his absence. What cutting comments would she make, to what levels would she verbally peg him as irresponsible? The lady didn’t believe in snow days, didn’t believe in summer vacation─or any extended periods of time off other than the week around Christmas─and didn’t think that the school system was hard enough on kids. These were things she pointed out at every opportunity.

Maybe she would just pack all his back-homework away in a folder and just hand it to him with the due dates written on the front, as she did from time to time.

For a moment, Eli considered skipping English, but knew missing a class, unexcused, was a sin akin to murder.

He walked through the doors and slid into his seat, waiting for the clock to announce the start of the next period. Gingerly, he crossed his arms and stared across the room at Chase and Joey, going on like old friends.

“You look lost.”

Eli spun his head and glanced at Adelae. “What?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. You seem lost. Maybe a bit unhappy.”

“Two broken ribs.” Eli shrugged, then cringed as one of his riblets twinged in his side. “Nothing a little bit of time won’t heal.”

“What on earth did you do to yourself?”

“I was messing around and fell off a retaining wall. Just being an idiot.”

She stared at him for a moment. “Um, can I ask you something?”

Eli blinked at her. “I guess so.”

“There were some people talking in gym. Normally I ignore all the talk, but I heard someone say your name.”

He studied her face.

“Well, there’s a little rumor going around that you’re gay. You can tell me it’s none of my business, and, I mean, don’t really matter if you are, but…” She leaned forward, her loose shirt clearing away from the top of her breasts, leaving her cleavage on full display. “Is it true?”

Eli sat back and sighed. “I don’t even know.” He shook his head. “No, that’s not true. I guess I am.”

“You guess?”

“I’m just me.” He shrugged, then quietly said, “I just happen to like guys.”

“Oh, my god!” She smiled and fanned her face. She took his hand and squeezed. “Can I call you my queen?”

Eli knit his brow and whispered, “How gay do you think I am?” Then, a small giggle turned into Eli holding his sides, meowing in pain and hunched over his desk.

Several nearby girls glanced at him, but quickly went back to their conversations.

“Well, I don’t know who started it, but I can find out and kick someone’s ass for you, if you want.”

Eli rolled his head back and forth on the desktop. “It’s okay.”

“Look, I won’t say anything about it, but from now on, if anyone messes with you, they’ll be messin’ with me. If you need to talk to someone, you can always call me.”

Eli was slightly uncomfortable with the idea of a girl fighting his fights for him, but was grateful for the distraction. He certainly wasn’t aware that they had that kind of a friendship. “I’ll keep that in mind.” He gave her a slight smile.

As Stockton called the class to order, Chase’s glance happened upon Eli. They stared at each other for a long moment, Chase’s face distant and unmoving. There were no hints of sorrow, anger, confusion─just the placid neutral expression of that everyday, ordinary, non-spectacular boy-next-door.

******

Bastard Fuckface had been busy, at least that’s what Eli figured. Over the span of two weeks, he’d been called a fag on at least five different occasions. A few of the people who would normally talk to him started to ignore him, but thankfully, that was the worst of it.

None of the jocks went out of their way to mess with Eli, and with his social standing, he didn’t know if the people ignoring him were just ignoring him because they always had, or because they knew who he was and had heard the rumors. He found some comfort in the fact that not a whole lot changed.

And, if it hadn’t been Joey who started the rumors, then who had?

He came to the junction in the hallway leading to the cafeteria. He leaned against the wall and waited, watching people as they walked by. Suddenly, Adelae lurched out of the crowd and gave him a light hug; Eli kept his hand draped across her lower-back as they walked.

“What’s good, baby?”

The corner of Eli’s mouth lifted. “Same old.”

“I talked to Katelyn last night after I got off the phone with you.”

“Which one?”

“Katelyn with a Y. She wants to go see The Jungle Book. You want to go with us?”

“When?”

“Probably Saturday afternoon. Maybe we could meet you at the mall before that and we can walk around?”

“I think that would be fine. Mom said she needed to get something at the mall. Maybe I can have her just drop me off.”

She giggled. “What’s your mom like?”

“She’s a lawyer.”

“A lawyer?”

“Yeah. Means I can’t get away with anything at home. I got into a fight with my cousin a few weeks ago and I had to face the Court of Mom. It’s a bit like Judge Judy, but she can sentence house arrest.”

Adelae giggled as they walked into the lunchroom. She lowered her voice and, after smacking her thigh three times, said, “Hup, hup, hup! I’m the boss, applesauce!”

Eli giggled.

She walked to the counter and pulled two lunch trays from the pile, handing one to Eli. “Court of Mom. That’s cute.”

“Not as cute as you’d think.”

She stopped in front of the buffet and examined the spread through a clear, plexiglass sneeze-guard. She scrunched her nose. “If a little alien came down here right now and appeared in this cafeteria, he’d probably think all people eat is shitty pizza.”

She reached behind the plates of pizza and pulled a small Cobb salad to her tray.

Eli blushed as he grabbed a slice of pepperoni.

Adelae rolled her eyes. “You’re such a boy.”

He planted a hand on his hip and flamboyantly snapped. “Gurl!”

“You are too many things.” She laughed.

A boy in line bumped into Eli and knocked him forward a bit. “Dude, move it.”

After paying, they walked back to the table in a fit of giggles.

“We need to work on that,” Adelae said. “It’s not you.”

“Work on what?”

She snapped her fingers. “Gurl. You sound like the Pine-Sol lady when you do that. Guuurl. It sounds forced. Besides, I like you just the way you are.” She stopped and lightly tapped a finger on his nose. “You do you.”

She grabbed his wrist, almost knocking the tray out of his other hand as she pulled him along. They sat down at her table, Eli the gay rooster in the henhouse of Adelae’s girlfriends─some band and choir geeks, some cheerleaders, and a smattering of variously-spelled Katelyns. They had embraced him without knowing him or knowing about him. He hadn’t told anyone about himself other than Adelae, and since she was the one who brought him to the table, he must have been okay in her book.

Eli and Adelae had talked on the phone every night, catching up and getting to know each other. Eli wished they had started talking to each other sooner; she was a great friend, and a valuable ally. The only things he hadn’t been able to bring himself to talk about were Jacob, Chase, and Joey.

He quietly ate as the girls gossiped. Suddenly, there was a loud crack that cut through the chatter.

Several tables over, Joey stood over Chase, yelling. “Could you be a bigger fucking idiot?”

Adelae leaned over to him. “What’s with this hot mess?”

Eli shook his head. He watched as Joey slapped Chase upside the back of the head and stomped off; Chase slumped forward, resting his elbows against the table and covering his beet-red face.

“What did he do?” Katelin (with an I) asked, leaning toward the center of the table.

“Nothing,” Eli mumbled. “That’s just it.”

The girls all stared and waited for him to finish talking.

Nervously, he glanced around. Fuck me. “Joey’s a dick like that. Especially to Chase.”

Katelyn (with a Y) looked at Adelae. “Should someone go talk to him?” She pointed toward Chase with her thumb. “Maybe he could sit with us.”

They all turned their attention back to Eli for some reason.

“I…I don’t think he would,” Eli sputtered. “He’s loyal to Joey for reasons I can’t understand. Just watch, they’ll be talking to each other in English like nothing happened.”

“You sure?” Kaitlyn asked.

“I feel bad for him,” Kaitlin said.

Eli nodded. “Trust me.”

As if that was the only answer they needed, all the girls went back into their various conversations.

Except Adelae. She crossed her arms and looked Eli up and down. “Is there something I should know?” she said quietly.

Eli shook his head. “Maybe later.”

With a slight nod, Adelae harpooned a large helping of lettuce onto her fork.

*****

Eli rolled out of bed at 10AM. It was the last Saturday before school let out, and if he had his druthers, he would have stayed in bed another hour. He was supposed to meet up with Adelae at Starbucks around noon to study for their English final. He could not wait to get the year over with.

Naked, he pulled on his shorts and stumbled out of his room; he was going to have to ask his mom for a ride. As he got to the bottom of the steps, the door shot open.

His mother jerked back a little. “You’re up.”

Eli scratched the side of his face. “I was coming up to talk to you.”

She leaned against the doorway. “What’s up?”

“I’m supposed to study with Adelae at noon. I was wondering if I could get a ride.”

She smirked. “So, you’re going to meet with your girlfriend?”

Eli hissed. “Jesus, Mom. She’s not my─”

She held up her hands. “Just teasing you. I was going to say I’m about to go to the office to work for a while.”

He slumped, and leaned against the wall with his shoulder. “Oh.”

Glancing at her cell phone, she hummed. “Tell you what. If you’re ready by eleven, I’ll drop you off on my way. I’ll be done around five. Would that work?”

“I guess so.” Eli figured he’d study for his other exams after Adelae left.

She pushed herself off the wall and grabbed onto the doorknob. “Well, hurry and get ready.”

As she closed the door, Eli ambled to his couch. He pulled his hands down his face and groaned, doing a face-plant on the couch; he was still tired.

After a good stretch of the legs, he hid his eyes in the crook of his elbow and started to doze off.

Several moments later, he heard the upstairs door open. Eli cussed under his breath, figuring it was his mom wondering why she hadn’t heard the shower starting.

“Dude, your nuts are hanging out.”

Eli started awake and sat bolt-upright, covering his hands over his crotch. Wide eyed, cheeks burning, he stared at Chase. “I… what the hell?” He sprang to his feet and adjusted himself.

Chase blushed and grinned. “Don’t worry. I don’t mind.”

Mind running, Eli kept his eyes on Chase, a rash of goose bumps breaking out over his skin.

“Dude. Stop that.” Chase shook his head and stared at the floor. “Say something.”

“Say something? Say something?” Eli ran both hands through his hair. “You, you, you… y-you haven’t said a thing to me in a month and a half, you wouldn’t even look at me─”

“Eli─”

Eli held up his finger. “You wouldn’t even look at me. I’ve left you alone because you said it would be better for both of us, which, which really fucking hurt. I never said anything because of what he said he’d do.” He sadly shook his head. “I moved on, Chase. As a friend and whatever the hell else we were. Because I couldn’t stand to see him hurt you or ruin you, because if he went down he said he’d take you down with him.”

“I’ve hated myself every minute since then, Eli. I was scared─”

“Bullshit.”

Chase took a step forward, so they were almost standing against each other. “I was afraid of what he did to you, and what he might do to you. Do you understand that?” He set a shaky hand on Eli’s upper arm.

“Chase, don’t─”

“Please. Just listen to me.”

“Why should I?”

Chase sighed. “Because I made a mistake. Joey’s leaving next weekend. His parents are sending him to Florida to stay with his family in the Keys. I thought… I thought that maybe…”

Eli shook his head slightly. “I…I…” He bit his lip. “I need to get ready to go.”

“Eli, please.”

“Chase, I have to take a shower. Right now. Mom’s waiting for me.”

“Can we talk─”

Eli whipped his shorts off. “Taking a shower now.”

Quickly, Chase turned his head away and averted his eyes.

“See you later,” Eli called back as he walked toward his bathroom. He slammed the door and turned on the shower. Backing into the door, he covered his face with his hands and slid, crying, to the floor.