The Others - 26. Chapter 26: Two rivers

It's Sunday, the day of the party. I want to back out, I don't want to go anymore. Tomorrow I will run away, I'm sure people will understand I need some time to reconsider. Or whatever. I just don't want to go, I hate having to socialise.

I didn't even pack my stuff. I don't want to take much with me, but I'll need some clothes, my toothbrush, and headphones to listen to music while I feel sad… Or happy, of course. It feels so weird. I'm so close to the moment I've looked forward to my whole life, but it just feels unrealistic. As if tomorrow is a year away.

Before I can leave, I'm gonna meet my dad. I'm not sure what I'm looking forward to more, running from my life, or seeing my dad. Confronting him with my life and how he's ruined it. He doesn't know who I am, but I'm sure he's going to recognise me. I wonder what he'll say to me?

I get a text message from Marc. "Hey man, you said you were gonna fix us some beer, right? Didn't forget about that, I hope?"

I reply: "When was the last time I forgot something?"

Within a minute he says: "You forget to go to school a lot, for one. But cool, cya at 5!"

I glance at the clock, I've another hour before I need to go to the party. My dad will be there, if he didn't forget about it. I don't think he'll forget, because he knows I'll tell Codey about him if the beer isn't at the party in time. Damn, I feel nervous. Finally going to face my dad. Maybe that might somehow convince me not to go away tomorrow?

Nah, I promised. I want to run away tomorrow, can't back out now.

Another hour, that's probably enough to write a blog post. It's been way too long since I uploaded anything. Now I'm thinking of it, what about the blog? Will I keep it updated while travelling or should I make this post a goodbye text?

If I do, maybe people will connect the dots. An anonymous blogger decides to go missing right when a silent kid who no one really knows about does too? What would my mom think of it? I know she rarely reads a post, when she does it’s because her colleagues recommended it to her. I know she once had a colleague, a close friend as well, who told her she thought that the blogger would make her a perfect match. I had to try really hard to keep a poker face.

No, this post is not going to be a goodbye. I'll try to get an internet connection regularly to be able to share my new thoughts. I never understood why people wanted to read the blog, that's why it sometimes feels like it isn't really my own blog. That sounds weird, doesn't it? It's hard to explain, but I'll try. You know, I feel inhuman at times, I feel so disconnected from what I'm supposed to be. In real life people don't like me, because they don't understand me, so why do they like my reflection on a blank word file? Maybe they try to imagine a person when they read it, they take my words and mold them into a human being. That way, they create their own perfect man? Their perfect me.

I write:

"Sometimes I feel so disconnected from the real world. I live in these blogs, this is my life. And even though you guys like what I write (at least, that's what I understand, why else would you read what I think about the world?) I'm sure none of you would like me in real life. That's probably for the best, because that way I'm able to keep a distance between myself and reality, so I can observe everything from far away."

No, this is crap. I won’t post this.

What should I write about then? I know this isn't going to be my last post, but that doesn't make me feel like this isn't important. This is going to be the last post of my old life. Tomorrow, everything is going to be different.

"Time is like a river, people sometimes say. I want to change that sentence a bit: Your life is like a river. It will flow, no matter how much you can try to stop the steam. You can make choices, which is like moving a stone in your river, but you can't ever change its course completely. If you accept that, you can use that to your advantage. It sounds dull, I know. People often say you have to accept the flow of your life in order to influence it, but that's not the purpose of this entry. As you probably know by now, I don't write from an arrogant position above all of you. I'm not a god who realised how to live, moreover, I bet you guys are better at living than I am. No, I write this because even though I always say life is like a river, I never believed it. Even though I spent a lot of time thinking about this subject, I never understood it. Now I do, I think. Not that life itself is like a river, your CURRENT life is like a river. You make choices, you move the stone, you influence it a little bit. But that doesn't mean you are that river. No, you can walk away from it. When you move a stone in the river, you never know what impact that will have. Of course you have some expectations, but the flow of water is as unpredictable as life. So, after moving some stones, you sometimes don't like the result. There is nothing wrong with that, it's normal, but when it happens, there are only three things you can do:

- accept the current flow,

- try to undo it by moving more stones,

- abandon your river.

The latter sounds pretty definite... It is! It's a final option, your last resort after the other options failed. But it's an option nevertheless. This is something I've always known, somewhere deep down, but never realised. That's the real purpose of this blog, I don't want to sound like I'm lecturing, but I want you to realise something that took me a long time to learn. You can abandon your river and look for a new one. That does mean you have to abandon (most of) your life, but it's worth it. If only to learn how to manipulate a river, so you can return several months later to improve the river you originally fucked up.

I'm abandoning my river. I'm gonna leave everything behind, expect for you guys. I'll take the blog with me, to tell you how I learned to change the course of a river. Maybe that'll save you from having to abandon your own life. Out."

I glance at the clock, I have another twenty minutes left before I need to get going. Can't be too late for my first meeting with my dad. I check my email and see a message from Seth. It's short, but pretty clear about what he wanted to say.

"I don't want you to, but you'll still go. I just want to tell you I'm going to keep sending mails to you, even though you won't read them. I’m going to change my life today. You made me realise life is too short to worry about those things. I would ask you to wish me luck if I thought you actually care.

Goodbye."

Damn, that feels bad. I have to get used to the feeling though, this is how goodbyes feel. And in not more than seventeen hours I have to say goodbye to everyone. I print the letter I wrote for my mom and fold it neatly. I give it a little kiss and then hide it beneath my pillow. I don't want my mother to find it before I've really left her. I'm not sure what she would do. She would try to convince me to stay, of course, but that wouldn't help her. I'm still going. Maybe she'd lock me in my room, but for how long? She would have to let me out eventually, and then I would still run away. It would make everything way harder though. I can't leave her if she knows about it. I can't look into her tear filled eyes and wave goodbye as I'm leaving.

I'm a coward.

I take a look at my room. This is the last time I'll see it, tonight I'll crash at the party and tomorrow, early in the morning, I'll grab my bike and leave. Up until this point my mom knows nothing. She thinks it's a vacation, even though she doesn't want me to leave on my own without a real plan, she agreed. In about a week I'll text her and tell her to look for the letter under my pillow. Right after that I'll have to shut off my phone. I never made a plan like this before. I have to do this!

The room is clean, too clean. I tidied it up, there aren't even any books on my desk. No clothes on the floor, no pyjamas on my bed. I stripped the sheets and closed the curtains. When I look at it, it doesn't even look like my own room anymore. I even cleaned out everything on the computer and reinstalled it completely. I made a backup of the documents I wanted to save, mainly stories and blog posts. I put them all on my phone, but it wasn't much. It hurt to realise that's all I am, a few pixels on a screen. A few bytes on a phone. That is my life! That is my river! Even choosing a new river won't change that. I'm words on paper, words on the internet.

I find my mom laying on the couch. She opens her eyes as I enter the room."I'm off to the party soon."

"Promise me you'll be careful."

"Of course, mom, it's just a party," I reply with a goofy smile. Normally I don't smile like that, but I used it to hold back my tears. Damn, only when you consider leaving someone, do you realise how much you love them. For real, the feeling I get now is weird. It's deep down, I feel it in my bones. My stomach hurts a little bit. I know what this feeling is: realisation of unconditional love. This goes further than the choice of whether or not you like someone. This is bound in blood, you can't ignore that feeling.

"I meant about your vacation. All on your own out there. Can I still not talk you out of it?"

"Nah, I really have to do this," I say with a crack in my voice.

She stands up and hugs me. " What's wrong, sweetie?"

Don't call me sweetie! Don't make me feel like a child now, I have to stay strong, that's important. If I start crying now, I'll probably tell her about my plans and maybe I'll let her talk me out of it. "I'm just gonna miss you mom."

"You said you were just gonna go for one or two weeks, I'm sure you'll survive," she says. "I'll be waiting here for you."

"Thanks. I should go now."

She loosens her hug, so I manage to crawl out of her grip. "Have fun," she says when I walk away.

"I will!"