Big Boy Pants - 1. Chapter 1 Enlightenment

Caleb abruptly tuned into his surroundings and lifted his head off the mound of straw serving as a pillow. He’d heard something. Voices? It wasn’t long before another sound invaded his secret perch… the groan and slide of ancient hinges.

He couldn’t see who’d opened the mow door, not without getting up and moving, but he was definitely no longer alone. For the moment, he froze in place. Who the hell was that? Nobody besides him should be coming into his grandfather’s old cow barn. This was his domain, or at least it used to be, and he instantly resented the intrusion.

Sitting up, he closed his book and put it down. Sound magnified in the cavernous space of the empty mow, and whispered conversation drifted up to what used to be the granary. One was obviously a girl’s voice, while the other was deeper, masculine, and struck a tantalizingly familiar note.

Cautiously, he rose up from the oak plank floor, careful of the gaping chute in the center of the little room. It was more than big enough to fall through. He’d propped open the trap door to let cool air waft up with the breeze generated through the broken windows below, and now was not the time to close the squeaky lid. Sideways slats, spaced for air movement, comprised the walls, and their edges cut off his view to the floor below. The intruders, a good fifteen feet lower than where he was, had stopped whispering, and now their voices were crystal clear.

“What’s that up there?”

It was a girl’s voice Caleb didn’t recognize. Had the isolated structure drawn sightseers?

“Uh, I think it’s called the second mow. We just called it the upstairs.”

Caleb stood stock still, recognition dawning at the same time his stomach dropped. Oh, shit! Dalton! Of course. Who else would come here? But, why… why now? Why today of all days?

“No, not that. I know what a mow is, silly. I mean that thing in the corner. It looks like it has a door in it?”

“Oh, yeah, my eyes are still adjusting. Uh, that? It’s where they used to store sacks of grain in the old days. There’s a door on the back too, higher up, where they used pump oats and stuff in. Granary, yeah… it’s called a granary.”

The girl giggled. “Is it safe?”

“What do you mean? Safe for what?”

She giggled again. “To go up there. It looks like a cute little two-story house. I bet it’s romantic inside.”

Caleb held his breath, stepping sideways to where one of the cracks opened up enough to see down. Yes, there stood the Dalton he remembered so well, and that was Sheila, a girl he knew only by sight. She’d arrived in the area his final year of high school, just before he’d dropped out. Begrudgingly, he had to admit she was pretty.

Please don’t come up here, he thought. After almost a year of avoiding Dalton, it would be way too awkward to end up face to face with him now… here.

“Romantic? Nah, it’s just dusty and dirty. I don’t think it’s a good idea. There’s a big hole in the middle of the lower level, for throwing hay and grain through, and the floor is probably all rotted out by now.”

Caleb breathed a quiet sigh of relief. He could almost swear Dalton was staring straight at him, but common sense told him it wasn't a possibility. Maybe the man was remembering that awful day. One thing for certain, though; he knew damn well the thick oak boards weren’t rotted.

“Ah, come on. You’re no fun.”

The clearing of Dalton’s throat could be heard loud and clear. “Maybe not, but there's no way I’m going to chance you getting hurt. Your mom would kill me, and so would mine. We should go.”

“Why, hon?”

Her voice had changed, becoming what? Husky? Seductive? Caleb cringed as he listened.

“What’s the rush? It’s really cool in here, like we’re in another world. Your mom said this is where you spent most of your time as a kid. What was the point in coming if we’re just going to leave? We could have some fun.”

Caleb witnessed the girl move up against Dalton, arms reaching around his neck, before he stepped back from the crack. He didn’t want to see where this was so obviously going.

“We came because you pestered me.”

“Hey, I didn’t pester you. I wanted to see your old neighborhood… what’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing, but, ah, I’m not a kid anymore, and this is private property so—”

Dalton’s words were cut off, and Caleb moved back into his corner and sat, wishing he was anywhere but in what used to be his sanctuary. There was no escape, not without showing himself. He picked his book back up, opening it, but not seeing the words. Instead, his attention focused on a line of sunlight coming through the space between the barn boards; he watched his shallow breathing make the multitude of dust particles dance. Minutes seemed like hours as he tried not to think about what was going on in the bottom mow. They were probably screwing on the forgotten bales in the far corner. Life could be really cruel sometimes, a lesson he’d learned the hard way.

“Sheila, stop!”

Caleb was startled out of his inner pain.

“Oh my God! You’re putting the brakes on again? What the fuck is your problem? Either you want to be with me or you don’t… so which is it, Dalton?”

“I… fuck!”

“Yeah, apparently that isn’t happening. Just tell me what the hell is going on with you?”

“Christ, you’re always pressuring me. I don’t—”

“You don’t what? You screw me once and you’re done with me? Is that the way it works? Your mom said you really liked me.”

Caleb cringed at the girl’s whining. A sob followed, actually, a few of them, and he resisted the urge to go back to his peephole.

“Sheila, please don’t cry. I’m sorry, but my mom shouldn’t have stuck her nose in. It was a mistake.”

“What was?” she asked, the crying becoming more like whimpering.

“Us… this. Look, I need to be completely honest with you, okay? I thought I was over someone, that I had moved on, but I’m not, and it’s fucking with my head.”

“You’re in love with someone else? Is that what you’re telling me?”

“No… I don’t know… yes… that’s the truth of it, yeah. I’m really sorry.”

“So you fucking led me on? Who is she?”

“Ah… you don’t know her. She didn’t go to our school. And, no! I didn’t lead you on, at least, not on purpose. I never wanted it to happen in the first place, but your mom and my mom kept pushing, and you were pretty aggressive—”

“Aggressive?!”

The girl’s shriek made Caleb jerk and want to shrink away, but he was powerless to do anything other than sit there and eavesdrop.

“I’m sorry. I just meant you wouldn’t listen when I said we should slow down and get to know each other.”

Dalton’s voice held an edge of something Caleb wondered at. Defiance, maybe?

“You actually meant that? What guy ever means that? I thought you were making sure I knew you weren’t just trying to get in my pants. Now you tell me you didn’t want to have sex! You’re fucking weird.”

“Maybe so. Maybe I am weird, but I never—”

“Take me home.”

Caleb waited for the next response, but none came. He heard the rustle of clothing and the creak of footsteps, followed by the sound of the big door sliding partway open—and then closed. Finally alone again, a whole body tremor ran through him, as if he’d been through his own ordeal. In a way, he had.

He almost felt sympathy for his childhood friend… almost. Taking a deep breath, he sighed, laying full out on the straw-strewn floor once more. Wow. That was excruciating. Emotions swirled as he let his equilibrium settle. Dalton’s voice, so familiar, was deeper now, or at least it seemed so in the confines of the big, empty barn.

And he looked good. Better than ever, damn him. That dark, glossy hair was a little longer than a year ago, curling at the ends, and his shoulders may have been broader still—even his height may have increased—but there was one thing Caleb was certain couldn’t have changed. Those eyes. When that blueness had settled on him in the past, he’d always found it difficult to look away. They were always intense, and always filled with kindness.

Except for that one time. That one time, they’d been filled with something he hadn’t recognized. Disappointment? Disgust? Anger? No, it wasn’t anger. Whatever it had been, it’d hurt like nothing else ever had.

But, no sense dwelling. That was all relegated to the past, like their years of friendship. So, Sheila had been aggressive. He could see Dalton not liking that. He’d always been methodical in so many ways, like with his physical training: with how he approached running or swimming or wrestling. It was a lesson Caleb had relearned well the last time they’d spoken. Never throw a curveball at Dalton… and he definitely had.

The man still carried the torch for Lauren. That didn’t surprise him either. But, they had ended a year ago too, when Lauren moved to Toronto. He’d have thought sleeping with this new girl would have helped him move past their one-time third amigo. The reluctance he’d just heard Dalton express said otherwise.

 

Caleb had no idea how much time had passed, nor did he care. A numbness had infiltrated his being, and lethargy was keeping him in place. So much in his life was up in the air. He’d spent the last year working and living in Peterborough, a two hour drive from here, but now he was back. It was strange, but kind of comforting to be sleeping in his old room again, and Grandpa sure liked having him around. It was pretty obvious he’d been missed.

He’d had no warning he was being laid off—none of them had. It was a shit job anyway, but it had gotten him away when he needed it most, and he’d never minded the hard work. Finishing high school online, a few weeks earlier, had left him satisfied in the end. He might be spinning his wheels at the moment, but he hadn’t lost any ground in his education.

Seeing Dalton, after all this time, did give him a sense of urgency in figuring out where to head next. This town wasn’t all that big, and he really didn’t want to take the chance of their paths crossing. It was bound to happen if he stayed any length of time, although his one-time best friend should be off to college in nearby Kingston before long. Knowing his mom, though, Dalton would be expected home whenever possible. Caleb groaned into the silence. The wounds were scabbed over, but they still itched, and occasionally oozed.

And, there was his grandfather to consider. Could he do it to him again? Leave him to ramble around in that too-big house alone, with only memories for company? The man never complained, but he’d aged noticeably over the last year.

The rumble of his stomach reminded Caleb breakfast had been many hours earlier. Picking up his worn, hardcover copy of “Watership Down,” an old friend from his old room, he got up off the floor, doing a full body stretch before rubbing his rather numb ass muscles.

 

He’d just begun his descent down the built-in, wooden-rung ladder when the mow door slid open. He froze, only his head moving as he turned to see Dalton silhouetted in the sunlit opening. Fuck!

“Caleb? Is that you?”

Resting his forehead against one of the rungs, he closed his eyes and answered. “Yeah, it’s me.”

“Wow. Uh, it’s good to see you. Can I… is it all right if I come in?”

“You didn’t ask the first time, did you? I was just leaving.” When he looked over, Dalton was staring at him with his mouth open. It was impossible to read his expression with the glare of sunlight behind him.

“Oh, I was hoping we could talk? You kind of disappeared last year—”

“I didn’t disappear,” Caleb said sharply. “I moved to Peterborough.” Suddenly feeling foolish, he forced himself to continue down the ladder. So much for not running into the guy. Standing on solid ground, he turned and faced the doorway. “How did you know I was here?”

Dalton took a tentative step in and slid the door closed, ending that damn glare. “I didn’t. I’m having trouble believing you’re actually standing in front of me.”

“Then why did you come back?”

“Back? Right, I guess you heard me and Sheila earlier?”

Caleb sighed before muttering, “I always hated when you would answer a question with a question.”

Dalton took a few more steps toward him. “Sorry, but I was trying to explain. I came back here to think. Being here made me remember… stuff. Anyway, I just had it out with my mom, so I needed a place to regroup and make some decisions.”

“Decisions? Okay, well, you picked a good place for that. I’ll leave you to it.” He made to move past the slightly bigger man when that previously-shifting blueness settled on him, compelling him to hesitate.

“Please stay for a bit. We could talk.”

“What for? What’s the point?”

“The point?”

“Yeah, the point.”

“Why does there have to be a point?” He sounded hurt.

Caleb felt exasperation rising. Being this close was as difficult as he’d expected it would be. “Because, like you said earlier, you’re not a kid anymore, and neither am I.”

At first Dalton looked confused. “Oh, so you did hear our conversation then.”

“Of course I did. I didn’t want to, but I didn’t want to come out of the granary more.” He cast his gaze down at the book he was clutching with a death grip.

“I get it.”

“Thanks,” he said with sarcasm. “Can I go now?”

“I thought you said you weren’t a kid anymore?”

Caleb looked up, fighting down the instinct to lash out. Steeling himself, he responded. “I’m not, and I wasn’t then. What the hell do you want to talk about?”

“Us.”

“That’s easy. We had a friendship, I did something really stupid—you made that clear—and now we don’t.”

“Hey, come on, it’s not that simple, Cale, and you know it. You didn’t do anything wrong… I did. Please, can we sit down and not act like fucking strangers?”

Caleb was thrown enough to hesitate. He knew Dalton was a forgiving person, but what did that mean? What had he done wrong? Curiosity won out. “We can try, I suppose.” His stomach chose that moment to gurgle.

“Been a while since I heard that sound,” Dalton said with the first hint of a smile. “Do you want a power bar? I have some in my car.”

“Of course you do. Some things never change, I guess. I’m fine, though.” He turned away to hide the sudden surge of turmoil, and looked for the best place to sit. Only a few of the old bales were still intact, the twine long deteriorated on most of them.

“Are you sure? My car is just at the east gate.”

“I guess that’s why I didn’t hear you drive up.”

“It’s overgrown, but there’s enough room to park, and the path is still there. Did you walk down from the house?”

Caleb didn’t answer. Conversation was proving ridiculously awkward, and that made him feel sad.

“So?”

“So? What?

“Power bar?”

“Oh… no. I said I’m good.” He walked over and tumbled a stack of bales. A couple of them held together; he claimed one and sat down. Dalton was still standing, watching him with an indecipherable expression. “Well? You wanted to talk?”

“You look different… older.”

“Yeah, well, it’s been about a year. So do you. Your hair’s longer.”

“Just a bit. I need a haircut. Yours is shorter, and a shade darker, I think.”

“Don’t get as much sun as I used to. Been shorter for a while. I like it better. Ah, could you sit? You’re making me nervous.”

“Sorry, I hate when someone does that to me.” He maneuvered a bale of straw so they were only a couple of feet apart.

It was closer than Caleb was comfortable with, but he made himself deal. “Are you off to college soon?”

Dalton snorted. “Not with my marks.”

“What does that mean? Your marks were always near the top of the class,” Caleb said, truly stunned at this news.

“Yeah, well things changed. I passed, but my marks weren’t even good enough for a bursary. Doesn’t matter, though. I have a decent job at TSC. I went full-time after graduation.”

“But you wanted to go to Kingston for the longest time?”

“It was just an option, but without a scholarship… real life happened, you know?”

“Yeah, real life….” Christ, this was only getting more and more awkward. There was so much he wanted to know, now that he was sitting here, but that would mean delving into past hurts. Apparently, Dalton had no such reservations.

“Peterborough, huh? I didn’t know.”

“It was my option.”

“You never answered any of my calls or texts, and your grandfather said he had no idea where you were living… only that you were working and doing fine.”

“I asked Grandpa not to tell anyone, so don’t blame him. And I didn’t get a phone call or text from you for three weeks,” Caleb said accusingly, before he could stop himself.

“Hey, I didn’t even know you’d dropped out for the first two! I thought you were going through the same crap I was. You could have told me.”

Caleb met his gaze full on. “What would the point of that have been? Our friendship ended the day I kissed you, right up there”—he pointed to the granary—“we both know that.”

“Christ, man, I do now, but I didn’t know that then. And you know how I am. It takes me a while to figure shit out.”

“Yes, I know how you are, and you know how I am. You say you didn’t know then, but it was pretty clear from where I stood.” He was startled when Dalton stood partway up and leaned forward, his hand reaching out. He leaned well away in response. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“Fuck, sorry. Some habits die hard. You have straw in your hair and it’s driving me batty. May I?”

Caleb sat back up, but didn’t answer. How many times had they picked straw and hay off of each other over the years? He shivered when those fingers brushed his hair and made contact with his scalp, and quickly averted his eyes once he realized he was staring at the crotch in front of him. Instant arousal. Dammit!

“How did you get so much straw in there?” Dalton muttered as he walked around and brushed his back and shoulders. “Why did you do it, Caleb?”

“What, move away? I felt like I had no choice at the time.”

“No, not that. I kind of get that, knowing you... well, once I thought about it for a while.” He was still behind him. “Why did you kiss me?”

“Oh.”

Dalton moved back into view and reclaimed his seat. The blueness settled on him again, intense… almost desperate. It was disturbing.

“Um… why does anyone kiss anyone?”

“Now you’re doing it.” A brief smile lessened the intensity, before it disappeared.

“Doing what?”

“Answering a question with a question.” One dark eyebrow arched upward.

“Why are you asking?”

“You’re doing it again.” This time the smile lasted longer. “You don’t have to answer, but it’s something I’ve wanted to know for a long time.”

“And you couldn’t figure it out?” Caleb realized it was another question, but he was surprised the man was asking something he'd thought he already knew.

“No… not with any certainty. I mean, were you just experimenting? Like, caught up in the moment because we were wrestling, because I get that.”

There it was, an unexpected but easy way out. Caleb didn’t take it. “It wasn’t an experiment, Dalton. Far from it. Yeah, I was caught up in the moment, but it wasn’t some one-time whim. I’m gay. Does that answer your question?”

Dalton’s expression was again hard to read. “Not really, no. I figured that part out, but why did you kiss me? Was it because you were horny or something?”

Caleb snorted. “I’m always horny, dude. The fact is, I wanted to do that for years. I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyway.”

“So, there were feelings for me? You had feelings for me?” Dalton’s breathing had become shallow all of a sudden, and Caleb was even more confused as he took in his seriousness.

“Come on, man. You were there. You think I did that for the fun of it?”

“I wasn’t sure. We were both trying to get the upper hand, so I didn’t know if it was just part of that. Wrestling can mess with you sometimes. When I thought about it later, I got all mixed up.”

“You didn’t seem mixed up to me. I got shoved off you pretty hard, and you sure as hell wouldn’t talk to me… only looked at me once before you left, and you were down the ladder before I could even get up.”

“Did you talk to me? I couldn’t remember.”

“Seriously? Yeah, I told you I was sorry, and I’d never do it again, but you didn’t seem to care.”

“Jesus, Cale, I cared. I cared so much, but I thought about my mom, and—”

“What she would think? What she would say?”

“Exactly. You know what she’s like.”

“Bigoted, racist… homophobic?”

“Caleb….”

“Sorry. Sorry, that was uncalled for. She’s your mom, and I shouldn’t have said that.”

“It’s fine. You’re right about her, and we both know it.” He hung his head, hiding the blueness.

Shit, where was this all going? An uneasy silence descended, and as much as Caleb didn’t want to talk, his nervousness betrayed him. “So, have you talked to Lauren since she moved?”

“Lauren?” Dalton came back from wherever he was and looked up. “Yeah, a couple of times. She asked about you. I didn’t tell her anything… just said you were good. She’s off to Guelph University in a couple of weeks. Already has an apartment with three other girls.”

“That’s great. I’m happy for her.”

“Me too.”

“Do you guys see each other?”

Dalton rubbed his face and stood up. “I need to stretch my legs a minute. This is strange, eh?”

“Kinda, yeah. Do you want to pack it in? I think we’ve covered everything.” He was shocked at the vehement reaction his words caused.

“No! Please, Caleb. Please stay. There’s more I need to say while I have the chance. Please?” Panic dominated his voice.

“Okay, sure. It can’t be any worse than talking about that stupid kiss. Like I said, I’m sorry.”

The sudden tenseness of the man seemed to dissipate. “You have nothing to apologize for. I never should have pushed you away like I did. I’m the one who’s sorry.” He rubbed his hands together before he retook his seat. After exhaling a loud, blown-out breath, he met Caleb’s gaze. “It’s been a long year.”

“I understand. Lauren? I know that’s been hard on you. Maybe there’s a chance for you guys down the road. I always thought you two belonged together.”

Dalton’s eyebrows knitted together as he leaned forward. Nobody did intense like this man did. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Ah, you and Lauren. I know how upset you were when she moved, right?”

“Yeah, I was. She was one of my two best friends. You were upset too.”

“Yeah, but I wasn’t dating her.”

“Oh, yeah… that wasn’t really dating. It was two people seeing if it could work, but it didn’t. We were only meant to be friends.”

“It might have worked if she hadn’t had to move so far away.”

“No, it wouldn’t have… trust me.”

“But, you still love her.”

“Well, yeah, I’ll always love her. Don’t you still love her?”

“Yes, but I’m not in love with her.”

“Neither am I.”

“But you said… I heard you tell Sheila you were?”

“Okay, now I get it. You really did hear everything. I wasn’t talking about Lauren.”

“You weren’t? I just assumed you meant her. Sorry, I didn’t realize you’d been seeing someone else.” Caleb was trying to think of who it could have been, but he came up blank. Again, silence took over. It wasn’t his business, so he wasn’t going to ask.

“I was talking about you.”

It took Caleb a few seconds for Dalton’s statement to register. “You’re joking, right?”

If anything, the blueness intensified. “No.”

“Care to explain what the fuck you’re talking about? This isn’t funny, Dalton.”

“I guess that depends on your perspective.” A sickly smile made an appearance before his head lowered.

Jesus, was Dalton shaking?

His head stayed down. “It took me a while, but I figured it out. I’m in love with you, Caleb… no joke. I don’t know when it happened exactly, but it happened.”

“Fuck,” he whispered, more to himself than to Dalton. “I don’t know what’s going on here, but I just saw you, right here, on a date with someone who is obviously your girlfriend.”

The blue gaze was back, and so was the intensity. “Sheila is not my girlfriend.”

“Sounded like she thought she was.”

“That was my fault. I was an idiot to let my mom push us together. You know how—”

“Yes, we’ve already established I know what your mom is like. Can you fucking explain what’s going on here? You just said you were in love with me, and now we’re talking about your mom. Jesus. Get to the fucking point, would you?”

“What more do you want me to say? I know I’m botching this, but… oh, God.”

Dalton looked as exasperated as Caleb felt. He did his best to calm down. Why was he so fucking angry? “Okay, for starters, when a man says he’s in love with another man, that means he’s gay.”

“And I am.”

“But you screwed Sheila! I heard that with my own ears.”

“It was a mistake, Caleb.”

“I heard you tell her that, but the fact is—”

“Look, my mom wants a straight son, so I tried to be a straight son… and… and you were gone. It was a colossal fucking mistake. Clear enough for you?”

Caleb was taken aback until he saw the anguish on his friend’s face. “It’s getting there. So, you’re not bi? You’re gay?”

“Yes.”

“And when did you figure this out?”

Another huge sigh came from the man, but he looked a little calmer. “After you kissed me. Not right away, but when I found out you’d dropped out and disappeared, I panicked. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t focus, and I didn’t care about anything. Not school, not sports, not my mom… nothing mattered.”

“And that made you think you were gay, Dalton, there’s more to being gay than—”

“I dreamt about that kiss night after night, I still do. I dream about you every night. I remember the feel of your lips, and the way you pushed your erection against mine. That happened, right?”

Caleb nodded, needing to swallow before he spoke. “Ah, yeah, it did... got pretty heated before I kissed you. But, those are just memories you’re describing.” He wanted to believe him, but it was scaring him to death.

“In my dreams we go much further. Being with you fills my thoughts, and when I slept with Sheila, I had to think of you, of your body, to get off. It was a shitty thing to do to her, and that’s why I couldn’t repeat it.”

“Oh, wow. I don’t really know what to say right now.”

“What about you? Are you still…?”

“Still gay? Yeah, I don’t think I can just quit,” he said, a grin forcing its way onto his face.

The grin was returned, but didn’t last long. “That’s funny, but it’s not what I meant.”

Caleb took note of his sudden blush. “Am I still in love with you?”

“Yeah, that.”

“I… I don’t know, Dalton. So much has happened since that day, and this has come out of the fucking blue.”

“Okay. I understand. You have a whole new life now. Have you got someone in Peterborough?” He looked so deflated that Caleb wanted to hug him.

“Not anymore.”

“But there was?”

“For about three weeks. It didn’t turn out so well.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Are you?”

“No,” he said so softly Caleb could hardly hear it. But he did, and something cold began to warm.

“What do you want from all this, Dalton?”

“I thought it was kind of obvious. I want you. I know you live in Peterborough, but I would have no problem moving if you want the same thing.” The same pleading look resided on his face that Caleb had witnessed more than a few times when they were younger. When something was extremely important to him.

He groaned. “It’s not about me wanting the same thing. And I live here again because I got laid off. The important thing for me is I don’t hide who I am. Grandpa knows I’m gay, and he’s good with it. You have your mom to deal with. She’d never accept you being gay, and she’d never accept you and me as a couple. She used to hate how close we were… said once it wasn’t natural for God’s sake.”

“I remember, and I don’t care what she’d accept. I won’t live my life to suit her.”

“You say that now, but come on. Your mom has a hold on you, and I understand. It’s been just the two of you for so long.”

“I saw my dad.”

“Holy shit! Really? When? How did that go?” This revelation shocked Caleb. A father had been non-existent in his friend’s life for as long as he’d known him.

“He came to my graduation. My mom flipped out when she saw him, but he stuck around. I didn’t want to talk to him, but he was pretty persistent. It turns out he’s not perfect, but he has his shit together. He takes responsibility for leaving, but I can read between the lines. I’m old enough to know my mother was not easy to live with.

“Anyway, I don’t hate him anymore. I, uh, I really look like him. He doesn’t badmouth Mom, but he’s made it clear his view of the world is much different than hers. I’ve seen him twice since. I have a six-year-old sister, and I’m going to meet her next month.”

“That’s awesome. A sister… wow. How is your mom handling all this?”

“Who cares? It’s none of her business.”

“You haven’t told her?”

Dalton shook his head. “I don’t need all the drama.”

“So you’re keeping meeting with your dad and having a sister a secret? See, that’s what I’m talking about. If you can’t even tell her about those things, how would you ever tell her you’re gay?”

“I already did.”

“You did? Forgive me, but I find that hard to believe after what I just heard between you and Sheila. You seemed to be awfully concerned about how your mother felt today.”

“I can see why you’d have doubts, but please trust me. I told her as soon as I dropped Sheila off. That’s why I came back here to think. I swear it’s the truth.”

“Okay, I believe you. Why today, though?”

“That’s a good question. Coming back here, the place where we kissed and my world got turned upside down, I guess it got to me. All I could think of was you when we were here earlier. I could picture you up in the granary, leaning against the back wall, lost in a book while I played games on my phone. I could see so many things replayed, all involving you. It fucking hurt, and made me realize I couldn’t keep doing this. I decided today I was going to find you. No matter what, I was going to try.”

“And you did find me,” Caleb said, captivated by what he was hearing. He wasn’t sure why, but he liked that Dalton had said ‘we kissed,’ not that he had kissed him. “So, wow, you actually told her. How did it go?”

“Not well. She started in on me as soon as I walked in the door about why I was back so early without Sheila. When I told her it was over with her, she told me to march over there and fix it. That was all I needed. I told her it would never work, and she tried to argue. She only shut up when I told her I was gay, and not for long. I’ve finally had my fill, Caleb. I meant what I said.”

“But, she’s your mom.”

“Yes, and she’ll have to deal. I told her what she needed to know, and that’s that. I also told her how I felt about you.”

“What? Why would you do that? You didn’t even know I was back.”

“She tried to keep me from leaving. She said we had to talk about this ‘foolishness,’ so I told her there was nothing to talk about, and I was going to go find you, and she asked why. I told her I loved you, and I’d made a big mistake. That shut her up for good. The only noise she made after that was a door slam.” He gave Caleb a weak smile. “I may need to find another place to live.”

“Fucking hell. You know you can stay with me… uh… at Grandpa’s. Are you okay?”

“That depends. Do you think you could love me again?”

Caleb stood up and moved away. They were too close, and there was so much flying around in his brain.

“Cale?”

He turned back at the plea, and fell into that blueness. “I never stopped, Dalton. You’re the reason my one relationship only lasted three weeks. My heart wasn’t in it, and I sucked at hiding it.”

“Damn.” The smile that appeared was breathtaking. “You have no idea how much I wanted to hear that. Can we hug or something?”

“Just give me a minute, okay? This is the last thing I expected, and I think I need some time to let it sink in.”

“Oh, okay… no problem. Ah, you want me to leave you alone for a while?”

“No,” Caleb said quickly, because he didn’t. What was wrong with him? He was standing at the bottom of the ladder leading to the upper mow, and he looked up. A memory assaulted him, and he started climbing.

When he reached the top, he looked down. Dalton was staring at him, open-mouthed again. It wasn’t the first time he’d done that today, and for some reason, Caleb found it amusing. Or maybe it was the happiness he was beginning to let himself feel. “Are you coming?”

“If you want, yeah.”

“I want.” He went through the door of the granary and waited.

“I was tempted to come back here a few times, but I just couldn’t,” Dalton said as he walked in, his gaze on Caleb.

“Today was my first time too.” Feeling nervous, he sized up the man standing before him. He didn’t look much different than he did the last time they’d been in this room, but their situation was. This was how it should have been. “It was hard to walk in here this morning. It brought it all back, and then, lo and behold, you showed up.”

“I’m sorry, Caleb, I really am. I reacted all wrong, and I never should have run off like that.”

“No, you shouldn’t have, but I understand your reasons. Change has always freaked you out, and you weren’t ready then. Are you sure you’re ready now?”

“One-hundred percent. I want this more than anything, I swear.”

“Stop swearing,” he said with a smile. “I believe you. Just don’t ever run from me again, no matter what.”

“I promise that won’t happen. And don’t worry about my mom, okay? I’ll never let her affect you and me. I’ll always choose you.”

“I don’t want you to have to choose, Dalton.”

“I know. I’m just trying to tell you I’m wearing my big boy pants now, and they’re staying on.”

“Not always, I hope.”

Dalton grinned. “I only take them off for you, how’s that?”

Caleb chuckled. “Fair enough. Now, how about we have a do over. Let’s get rid of that memory where we both fucked up.”

“I’m all for that, with one difference.”

“And that would be?”

“This time, I want to be the one kissing you.”

“I can live with that.” Caleb’s heart began to thump when strong hands slid up the back of his arms, pulling him closer.

“Hold onto your hat, and prepare to be kissed within an inch of your life.”

Sweet breath caressed his face as Dalton moved closer still. Caleb sighed. “Not wearing a hat, but I’m ready when you are, and I’ll try to keep up with—”

His words were cut off when the dark-haired man backed up his statement. Again, and again, and again….