Still You Want Me - 4. Chapter 4 - Concert with Jesse

* * CHARLES * *

[Monday 3:41am]

This has been the theme of my weekend. Abysmal sleep. My sheets are a tangled mess around my body and I’m feeling acutely mummified. My body is tingling with the need to be freed from this cotton confinement. This is a stark contrast from the normally motionless sleep I’m accustomed to.

Argh! I thrash my entire body like a fish out of water in an attempt to finally find the perfect utopia for sleep. I'm surrounded by the white fluff of pillows, sheets and a down comforter.

Ok, now sleep!

[4:03am]

Ugh! I’m furious so I throw my comforter, sheets, and pillows off of my bed. Maybe if I remake my bed? Yes, tight corners and sheets will sooth me.

Ok, now sleep, again. This is becoming a least favorite mantra of mine.

[4:19am]

I’m done. I must suffer my fate and be one of the dead that walk among the living. I pad to the kitchen and start coffee, it’s been a while since I’ve used this machine because I usually buy coffee, so it takes me a moment for my muscle memory to return.

[4:21am]

It’s only been two freaking minutes!

I survey my house while I listen to the coffee pot percolating. I love this house, everything is white and classy, it’s large, and it’s open; great for hosting large gatherings, which I do a lot.

Brr, my feet are frigid! I’ve never noticed how cold the kitchen tiles can get. I finish preparing my coffee and hustle to the living room to wrap myself in a blanket.

[4:37am]

This is ridiculous. Maybe I’ll grab Colin a tea on my way to work. Friends buy each other a, Sorry I was a complete ass, can we please kiss and makeup, coffee or (in Colin's case) tea, right?

It’s somewhat disarming for me, when I think of how much time I’m spending analyzing the events of Friday or, more precisely, anything to do with Colin. I haven’t left the house all weekend, I’ve been cooped up as Ryan had suggested. My only visitors have been food delivery people. I even turned my phone off!

Well, that’s a lie. I’d planned to turn my phone off, but didn’t in case Colin wanted to call? I know it’s unlikely because we hadn’t exchanged numbers. In the off chance he’d go through back channels, I want to be available. I shouldn’t have worried, he doesn’t call.

I don’t use my phone much, though. I mostly think about Colin. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to have a coming-to-Jesus moment, where I’d decide to make big life changes, or stand outside of Colin’s window with a boombox and declare my love for him. None of that happens. The whole weekend is a pity party of sorts.

Poor Charles, woe is me. I’m thinking about writing a book and naming it: Man falls in love, but realizes it’s too late and loses him to a smoking hot Blonde God. Technically, I’m a smoking hot blonde, too (or so I've been told), but I’m not the one he was on a date with.

Anyway, I’m not sure what I’m going to do, besides write a book. I know I’m going to apologize to Colin this morning. I’m almost positive I’ll get him tea and a pastry from Brew’d Awakening. He’ll love that. I

Seriously, can’t stop thinking about that dance...

[6:38am]

Oh, shit! I fell back asleep. Today is not the day I want to be late for work. Damn it! I’m not going to be late, but I want to get there early so I don’t miss walking into work with Colin.

[7:30am]

Okay! I run to Brew’d Awakening. I get a coffee, which tastes amazing by the way, and I get Colin a tea and a marionberry scone. I decide to wait in the parking garage so I can casually step out as Colin is walking by. How coincidental will that be? I’m so smart and not at all creepy.

I’m too cute to be creepy.

[7:55am]

There’s no sign of Colin! Did I miss him when I was in the coffee shop? Shit! I quickly sprint upstairs. I want to talk to him before we start work, but it’s looking less likely to happen by the minute.

I don’t see him when I first get off of the elevator. The floor is open so it’s not exactly easy to hide. We’re working on the Asia project together, so I’ll see him when we meet this morning.

We’re gathering in the conference room for our Monday meetings when Allison notices Colin’s absence.

“Where’s Colin?”

Thank you for asking, Allison! Where the heck is Colin?

Kelsey doesn’t even look up from her paperwork.

“He’s not going to be here today.”

She offers no explanation before she moves on.

“Alright...blah, blah, blah.”

I don’t know what she’s saying. Honestly, I don’t have the capacity to care.

Maybe he’s sick? Maybe he’s avoiding me? The rest of the day is a total bust. I’m exhausted all day, which likely intensifies my overwhelming anxiety about the situation. I can probably get his number and call him, but I decide against it because, if he’s mad, I want to apologize in person.

I toss his tea into the garbage before I leave for the day.

* * * *

I have an equally shitty sleep Monday night, but I’m not starting my day with the added stress of being late. I stop at Brew’d Awakening, again, and get Colin another tea and scone. Again, I wait in the parking garage, run upstairs, only to find out Colin isn’t going to be at work today, again.

I’m having a major sense of deja vu, maybe Groundhog Day?

I pick up my phone and dial extension four-twenty-two.

“Ryan Matthews speaking.”

“Hey, asshole!”

Ryan chuckles.

“Ah, Charles, always the professional.”

“How about lunch today? I think you owe me after your boyfriend screwed me over Friday night.”

“Ok, Nancy! You need to calm down. Quinn didn’t force you to tell Blondie his date was potentially virginal material.”

“Maybe, but he didn’t help. So, lunch or what?”

“Sure. I want to try Brew’d Awakening. You all speak so highly of it.”

I look at my watch. 11:40am.

“Yea, yea. See you in twenty minutes.”

I hang up and return to my giant stack of work.

* * *

Ryan skeptically eyes me.

“You actually spent the weekend alone, thinking about your life and the things you want?”

“Yes, that’s what I said.”

He looks impressed.

“Well, paint me green and call me a pickle.”

“What? You’re the one who told me to, why are you so surprised?”

“I didn't think you’d actually do it. I know you like Colin more than you’re willing to admit, but I didn’t think you’d actually do anything about it.”

We’re among a crowd of people walking into the bistro. They already have a good lunch rush going. We sit toward the back of the restaurant and start looking at the menu. Ryan looks around the restaurant and nods toward the front, which I have my back to.

“Um, isn’t that Blondie over there?”

I whip my head around.

Yep, not hard to miss that guy.

He’s dressed casually in jeans and a zip fleece pullover. I don’t know what he does for work, but it looks as if, maybe, he has the day off. He’s eating with someone else who’s dressed casually, too. At first, I think it might be Colin. I can only see his backside, but I know he’s wearing glasses so I know it’s not Colin.

Ryan’s quietly yells at me.

“Can you be any more obvious?”

I roll my eyes. Okay, maybe I wasn’t being super low key.

“Okay, okay. Shut up, you’re going to attract attention, also. Who do you think he’s with?”

Ryan’s using a menu to try and hide his face.

“I can’t clearly see, but it looks like Colin.”

“Colin doesn’t wear glasses.”

He’s trying to be inconspicuous.

“Are you sure? It really looks like him from behind.”

I know more not. Honestly, I’m relieved Colin isn’t here with Blondie.

“I’m pretty sure. It’s probably a colleague or something.”

Ryan’s not convinced.

“I don’t know, he has the same stupid Friday night smile on his face.”

“Here are your waters.” The waiter sets them down.

“The soup of the day is tomato basil and today’s special is the Huevos Ranchero’s.”

He has his paper ready for us to order so Ryan hands over his menu.

“Oh, man, I was going to get the Spring Bowl, but I’m actually going to get the special and the soup.”

I also hand my menu back.

“I’ll have the same, but no sour cream.”

Ryan returns his gaze to Blondie and he’s shaking his head skeptically.

“Charles, I think that’s Colin.”

I take a chance and slowly turn around. Before I can see who he’s sitting with, I notice Blondie stroke the guy’s hand. I turn back to Ryan, his eyes are wide with surprise. We stare at each other for a moment and I try not to smile, but I fail, miserably.

“Well, it looks like Blondie has moved on.”

Ryan looks unsure, “Maybe. I have an idea.”

As he mouth's sorry as he knocks his water glass toward me, dumping ice water down my front side and onto my lap. I jump back, trying to save myself from the water, but it’s too late.

“Shit!”

Now that we have everyone’s attention, I notice Ryan looking toward Blondie's direction.

Degen rushes over with towels and starts drying the table and bench off. I shake the excess water off and, nonchalantly, glance around the restaurant until I spot Blondie and his friend.

Sitting across from Blondie, wearing a pair of trendy black frame glasses, is none other than the reason for my current bout of anxiety…Colin.

Colin and Jesse apparently find my current state of wetness amusing because they’re chuckling as they watch me. Jesse smiles and waves when he notices me watching them. Colin doesn’t do anything other than look at me for a few seconds before he returns his attention to Blondie.

I return to my seat, Ryan and I stare at each other, neither of us knowing exactly what to say, until I shoot daggers at him.

“Are you fucking kidding me? I’m soaking wet!”

I pinch my wet shirt and pull it forward, in case he needs proof. He shrugs.

“I know. I’m sorry, but I got their attention, didn’t I?”

“You could have knocked the glass onto the table, or floor, or anywhere else other than down my front side!”

Ryan looks momentarily puzzled, then starts laughing.

“I literally didn’t think about that. Oh shit! I’m so sorry!”

Except he’s not!

This lunch is shit. Ryan looks apologetic.

“So, Colin’s having lunch with Jesse.”

I glare at him.

“Really? Is he the smoking hot brunette with the glasses?”

“Well—”

Ryan is cut off when Degen returns with our lunch. We drop the conversation and talk about other things while enjoying the delicious food. I notice Ryan keeps looking at them.

“Would you stop looking over at them?”

Ryan teases, “You’re frustrated because you can’t watch them and I can.”

I don’t deny it. It’s really hard to sit here and not know what they’re doing. I give Ryan a pleading look. He looks apologetic, again.

“You really don’t want to know.”

Ugh.

I feel so pathetic. I’m sure my face is full of disappointment.

“It’s that bad?”

Ryan runs his last bite of bread through the remaining juices of his lunch and eats it.

“For them, no. For you, yes.”

I push my finished plate off to the side.

“Well, I’m happy for him. He deserves it, to be happy.”

Ryan wipes the napkin across his mouth and laughs at me.

“No you’re not, you lying bastard.”

Ryan grabs his jacket and stands.

“Let’s go. I’m buying.”

“It’s okay. I invited you out so I’ll buy.”

“Yeah, but I waterlogged you.”

“Yeah, okay. You’re buying.”

I get up and walk to the register with him.

“And you’re buying me a coffee to go.”

Ryan agrees. I notice Jesse getting up from their table and he’s walking over to the register. Jesse is holding the check and smiling at us.

“Hey, guys, how was your lunch?” He’s smirking at me, mocking my state of wetness.

“Dandy,” I reply dryly.

Ryan starts talking about the weekend, so I decide to let them do their thing as I slip over to Colin.

“Hey.”

I must’ve startled Colin because he jumps in his seat.

“Hey.” His response is curt.

“Where have you been? Playing hooky and having lunch with your boyfriend?” I smile to show him I’m teasing, but he’s unamused.

“No, Brett gave me today off.”

“Really?”

That’s strange.

“Yesterday, also?”

“I worked yesterday.”

Clearly he wants to be anywhere, but here with me. This isn’t good. I don’t know what to say.

“Okay, well, I assumed, since you weren’t at work and all.”

“You don’t have to be at a specific location to be working.”

Ouch. Such short answers. He’s not looking at me and it’s obvious he’s not happy with me.

“Okay...”

I sit in Jesse’s chair so he can’t avoid me.

“Can we have lunch tomorrow? I’d like to apologize for my actions Friday night.”

He looks at me for a moment.

“I don’t know, honestly, I’m irritated and I don’t necessarily want to.”

“I know you don’t want to, but will you anyway?”

I give him my best pleading look.

“I won’t even pay your bill.” I give him a hopeful smile and he smiles in return as he grabs his jacket.

“Maybe.”

Ryan and Jesse have finished paying and are standing by the door waiting for us. Ryan hands me my coffee, before walking back to work, and waits until we’re out of earshot before starting the third degree.

“Did you have a good conversation with Colin?”

I shrug.

“I guess. There’s no doubt he’s upset with me. I asked if he’d have lunch with me tomorrow so I can apologize and I got a maybe in response.”

It’s not good but it’s not a no. He casually sips his coffee.

“Maybe isn’t no.”

I affirm the possibility.

“I know. I’m sure we’ll have lunch.”

We get back early so I’m sitting at my desk when Bethany approaches me. I can tell she has something specific she needs from me, but she looks at my clothing and whatever she originally wanted vanishes. She doesn't bother holding back her laughter.

“What the heck happened to you?”

I run my hand down my chest, feeling the massive wet spot. I suppose ‘spot’ is a massive understatement. I’m soaking from my chest to my knees.

“A long story made short, Ryan dumped water on me at lunch, but that’s not why you came over here.”

“You’re right. Where’s Colin? I didn’t see him yesterday, either.”

“I honestly have no idea. He was eating lunch at Brew’d Awakening today. We didn’t talk much, but he said he worked yesterday and Brett gave him today off. He didn’t divulge any details.”

I lean back and adjust my tie as Bethany looks around for a moment.

“That’s strange. Brett!”

She’s waving Brett over.

“Good afternoon. What can I do for you?”

Ah, Brett. Always so professional and helpful. Just tell us what we want to know.

Bethany talks quietly, not wanting to bring focus to the situation in case something is indeed wrong.

“Where’s Colin been? He said he worked yesterday, but he wasn’t here, and you gave him today off? Is everything okay?”

“Yes, he’s fine. He worked Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, so I let him have today off. He’ll be back tomorrow.”

Bethany is as bad as a dog with a bone.

“What was he doing this weekend?”

Brett is starting to look a little uncomfortable, but he’s hiding it well.

“He met with some clients for the Asia project.”

This is shocking news to me.

“What? What clients? I’m on the Asia project and I have no idea what you’re talking about! I mean no disrespect, but Colin’s only been here for two weeks and he’s going to meetings with clients?”

What in the hell happened while I sequestered myself this weekend?

“He pitched a proposal last week and I told him to follow up.”

What fucking proposal?

“What proposal? I don’t remember him mentioning anything. Who are the clients?”

I’m trying to play it cool, but I’m confused and insulted.

“He proposed a joint affiliation with Weinburg Steel, Jefferson, Inc., and SillyTech since they’re also moving into the Asia market. It’ll decrease our marketing budget, increase our visibility, and build stronger product partnership.”

It’s actually a genius idea.

“He met with all of them this weekend, alone?”

New Hire guy met with these three giants in one weekend? Solo? What the fuck?

“Yes, and things are looking good!”

Brett’s clearly pleased with Colin.

“Don’t be threatened Charles, it’s not what it seems.”

He squeezes my shoulder and walks back to his office. Bethany looks at me with the same confused look I have.

“I don’t know what to say.”

This is a lot of news to take in.

“I’ve been here for several years and I’ve only been to one client meeting and I didn’t get to say anything.”

Bethany’s face is twisted in disappointment.

“Yeah, but it’s ‘not what it seems’”

I use exaggerated air quotes and Bethany shakes her head.

“Seriously, Charles, what does that mean? Well, it’s time to start work, I’ll see you later. Are we still on for Karaoke this Thursday? I’m really looking forward to it.”

“Yes, so spread the word. The more people there are, the better.”

Yes, I’m setting up a Karaoke night because I know Colin loves it. I’m a sucker.

I’m finally getting work done when I look up and see Deb, from Information, holding a garment bag. I’m surprised because she never comes up here.

“What brings you up to the fifth floor?”

She tips the garment bag forward, indicating it’s for me.

“You.”

I’m not following.

She’s looking at my shirt, her pink lips curling.

“You’re quite wet today, Mr. Gabett.”

I frown in confusion.

“That’s true, but your clothes won’t fit me,” I tease. “Thanks anyway.”

“They’re not mine, Mr. Gabett. Colin dropped it off.”

She hands me the bag and walks away.

Colin brought me clothes?

They aren’t a perfect fit as the pants are tighter than normal and long, but it’s better than being wet all day.

I can’t stop smiling. I know he’s angry with me, but he went out of his way to bring me fresh clothes for work, on his day off. It’s hard not to read into that.

Knowing Colin is coming back tomorrow, the rest of the day passes quickly and my anxiety has mostly disappeared.

I want to ask more about this whole Asia thing, but I don’t want everyone to think I’m throwing a fit. I feel I should’ve been informed and in on the meetings. My family ties could’ve been beneficial, but I’m not the boss.

Again, I toss Colin’s tea into the garbage before I go home for the day.

* * * *

I’m back at the coffee shop getting Colin his tea and scone, hoping my life isn’t a terrible movie where everything repeats over and over. I see him and casually stroll out of the garage and step toward Colin. I smile and hand over my burnt offerings.

“Good morning. I got you a tea and scone.”

He looks confused.

“Um, thanks. You got these from—?”

I respond, hesitantly.

“Across the street, from Greg and Degen.

Suddenly, I feel nervous. He gives me the strangest look, as if he’s skeptical.

“Okay, then why are you in the parking garage?”

Are you fucking serious. I’ve had two dress rehearsals to prepare for this and it never occurred to me it’d be strange to walk out of the parking garage with drinks and food from the cafe across the street.

“Uh, that would seem strange, huh.”

“No. It is strange,” Colin’s response is frank.

Think moron, think.

“I left my wallet in my car,” I hesitantly reply.

“Then how’d you pay for the drinks and scone?”

How have I not died from stupidity?

“I have to go back and pay later.”

I wait for the next round of questioning. I’m usually a decent liar, but this is out of control.

“Oh, okay. Thanks for the stuff.” He lifts them in acknowledgment and smiles.

“Of course. It’s the least I could do since you saved me from countless inquiries about the lunch incident.”

I lowered my voice toward the end of the sentence since there are people near the elevator.

“Well, I went against my better judgment. You deserved to spend the day wet and cold.”

He’s not smiling, but he’s not angry.

“I know and you’re right. Please have lunch with me today?”

I put my hands in the form of a prayer and pout.

“Please?”

He tilts his head and looks at me with a crooked smile.

“You’re not going to drop it until I say yes, are you?”

He’s still wearing his glasses. Colin in glasses is absolute perfection. I shake my head, indicating I’ll beg forever if need be.

“Okay. I’ll have lunch with you.” He lifts his tea and scone, “Thanks, again.”

This morning is very busy. Colin’s affiliate initiative is a big deal and is becoming a focus point for our work.

I’m happy for him. It’s a brilliant idea and he deserves to be in the spotlight, but I’d be lying if I said I’m not experiencing some underlying jealousy. I feel as if everything’s been shady and secretive, plus he’s only been here for two weeks.

If he were anyone else, I’d probably be acting a lot more irrationally. I look at my watch and realize it’s time for lunch, so I grab my jacket and find my way to Colin.

“Are you ready?”

He holds up his finger.

“Ten seconds.”

His long fingers are gliding across the keyboard with ease, and without error, as he finishes a memo. He’s stunning with his shirt sleeves rolled up to his elbows, his tie flipped over his shoulder, and his glasses highlighting his best features. He makes a big deal about pressing enter, looks up at me, and smiles.

“Done.”

* * COLIN * *

We don’t speak while on our way to the lobby, it’s not uncomfortable, only silent. I still have some risidual anger about him embarrassing me Friday. I can’t believe he blurted everything to Jesse. I really don’t know what he has to say about it.

“Where are we going?” I ask.

His brows are scrunched in thought.

“What about the Thai place a few blocks down?”

“Sounds good.”

Ugh, it’s not going to help my waistline.

“Charles, how can you eat lunch out every day? I’ve eaten out more since working here than I have in years and I feel like crap.”

I pat my stomach, feeling incredibly bloated.

“And such a waste of money.”

He runs his hand down his stomach, showing off his ridiculously perfect body.

Fuck you.

“I think my body’s used to it. I’ve always eaten at restaurants since I was a kid and through college, too. It’s also part of the reason I’m at the gym so much and money isn’t an issue, so it’s not a big deal.”

I’m trying not to be annoyed, but it seems so frivolous.

“People with money have as much responsibility to steward it as everyone else. You don’t have to answer this, but how much money do you think you spend every month on food?”

He looks surprised at the question and has to think for a moment.

“Oh, um, four thousand dollars?”

He nods approval at his estimate. “Yeah, I think that’s a reasonable guess.”

I pound my chest trying to dislodge the ball of disbelief in my throat.

“Four thousand dollars a month on food! How is that possible? That’s forty-eight thousand dollars a year!”

“Uh, yeah, I guess it is. Honestly, I’ve never thought about it before, but you’re right, that’s a lot of money.”

“I’m not judging you so please don’t take this negatively. There are so many non-profit organizations out there that do incredible things for our community and it seems such a waste to see that kind of money being eaten instead of being donated.”

Four thousand dollars is so much money.

“You’re probably right.”

He’s silent as we walk down the street.

“Can I ask you a question?” He asks.

I nod. He doesn’t say anything right away because he’s trying to find the right words.

“Can you walk me through this whole Asia/affiliate/proposal thing?”

Oh. I didn’t expect this and I don’t really want to talk about it.

“Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s brilliant, it’s just the way everything is happening, well, it’s not how things are normally done.”

He pauses, but continues before I can say anything.

“Everything’s been so secretive and you went on three pitches with really big names all by yourself? You’ve only been here for two weeks. This is insane!”

He shakes his head in disapproval. This is exactly what I was afraid of.

“Um, yeah, I agree. It’s weird. It wasn’t my intention, though. I had the idea, but I was too nervous to pitch it at the meeting in front of everyone, so I talked to Kelsey about it in private. She thought it sounded good, so she wanted to take it to Brett. Brett agreed with Kelsey and asked me to follow through with it. I thought he’d take the lead and I’d watch and take notes, so imagine my surprise when he set up meetings for me to go…solo. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable, but he insisted.”

I shrug. This is the best explanation I can possibly give at the moment and I really hope it’s enough.

“Colin, I’m not jealous—not really anyway, but it seems stupid to let a new hire do this solo. Even if you remove the risk of failure, it would’ve been a good opportunity for teamwork and if one or two other people went, then they’d have gained experience and knowledge, also. It seems irresponsible—no offense!”

“None taken. For the record, I totally agree with you.”

It’s quiet for a Wednesday. We’re seated and given waters and menus, we each take a minute, and then set the menus down. Charles crosses his arms.

“So, I want to apologize for Friday--”

I cut him off before he can finish.

“It’s not a big deal, what’s done is done.” I wave him off. The whole situation is embarrassing.

“Stop, it’s not okay. Yesterday you were barely able to look at me.”

He nervously runs his fingers through his blonde hair.

“It was obvious you weren’t comfortable with conversation on Friday. If it would’ve been only the two of us, I would’ve pressed forward, but I should’ve dropped it when Jesse came to the table. Quinn’s an ass, also, but I take the majority of the responsibility because you’re my friend.”

I laugh, “Yeah, Quinn really was an ass.”

“Only when he drinks, normally he’s pretty cool, I promise.”

He smooths out the arm of his shirt and looks at me apologetically.

“I am sorry, you have no idea how bad I felt after you left and how much sleep I lost this weekend.”

He does look a little worse for wear and his eyes lack a little luster. I’m surprised by his response because, usually, Charles strikes me as mostly selfish and not one to care about what others think.

“Honestly, I was really upset. It made me look like such a loser. But don’t worry, I’ll get over it. Also, don’t lose sleep on my account. That seems such a waste.”

I give him a half teasing smile.

“Don’t sell yourself short, I’d rather lose sleep than your friendship.”

We continue talking throughout our meal. He looks slightly dejected.

“Can I ask you one more question?”

I didn’t like his first question, so I’m nervous about his follow up. It’s always terrifying when someone needs permission to ask a question.

“Sure...”

“Will you answer honestly?”

I nod.

“Do you consider us friends?”

“More so every day. Why?”

I’m trying to figure out where he’s going with this.

“I consider us friends, trending toward good friends or possibly very good friends.”

What’s this proclamation about? I give a light laugh.

“Well, that’s good. I’m not opposed to that progression.”

“That’s good.”

His words sound skeptical. He takes a bite of his food, but I can tell he still has something to say.

“Why did you lie to me about being gay?”

I skirted.

“Oh. Well, I didn’t actually lie, but I didn’t come out and announce it, either.”

He’s annoyed by my cowardly response.

“You did lie, at least to me. You had plenty of opportunities to tell me, such as when you found out I’m gay, when we talked about relationships, and when I asked you about girls.”

He pauses and studies me.

“You told everyone else the first week, everyone knew except me.”

He isn’t eating anymore, he’s only staring at me with a mix of hurt and frustration on his face. I put my fork down and look at him.

“Damn it. You’re right I—”

I pause for a second trying to gather my thoughts. I owe him the truth.

“I intentionally didn’t tell you. When we first met, I had strong opinions about you and I wasn’t interested in being pursued as a quick fling. Actually, I wasn’t interested in being pursued at all so I took the option from the table by not telling you.”

I realize my mistake and add.

“I’m not trying to assume you’d pursue me or that you were or are or ever will be interested in me.”

I feel my face flush with embarrassment. Charles laughs. He must really enjoy seeing me squirm.

“Don’t doubt it for a minute. I would’ve absolutely tried to bed you if I’d known you were gay on day one. If I didn’t have so much respect for you, I probably would’ve tried to take you to the bathroom earlier today because those—”

He points to my glasses.

“Are hot.”

I blush.

“This is exactly why I didn’t tell you.”

I look down at my food and smile. I don’t receive affirmation well.

“I got something in my eye this weekend and it was incredibly painful. I can’t wear contacts for a week.”

I nervously adjust my glasses, feeling stupid for wearing them. He sits there and smiles at me, almost as if he’s trying not to laugh as he contently watching me with his blue eyes. We finish our lunch with casual small talk, getting to know each other, and he inquisitively asks.

“So, it seems things are going well with Jesse?”

“Definitely! Yesterday was only our second date, but I’m hopeful. He’s smart and funny.”

I look at Charles with a grin.

“And obviously incredibly attractive, right?”

He holds out his hand and moves it as he speaks, signaling that Jesse’s so-so, but he’s smiling.

“If you’re into tall, well built, and stunningly beautiful people, then yeah, I guess he’s okay.”

I smile.

“Right, not that I’m into those types. Dating someone like him is actually quite terrifying. How do you not compare yourself?”

I shake my head lightly. Charles looks at me in disbelief.

“Why would you compare yourself to him or anyone else? You’re perfectly you.”

I shouldn’t have said anything, it’s my insecurity.

“I know, it’s stupid.”

“No, it’s not, continue.”

He seems genuinely interested in what I have to say, I don’t feel like he’ll judge me.

“We both know he could have anyone, so why is he chasing me? It’s not sex, so?” I shrug.

He laughs.

“You’re an idiot. He’s probably thinking the same thing about you.”

He starts imitating Jesse.

“What if Colin doesn’t like me? What if I’m not smart enough for him? What if he finds me boring? He’s so much better looking than me! He’ll leave me when he realizes I snort when I laugh.”

He covers his mouth in mock horror.

“What if he realizes my muscles are overcompensating for my small dick!”

I’m laughing (hard) by the end of his rant. His impression might be terrible, but his humor is hilarious and adorable. I sheepishly smile at him.

“Whatever, but I’m confident he’s not small.”

He looks surprised.

“How would you know?”

“Dancing.”

He gives a challenging smile. “Some guys stuff their crotch the same as some women stuff their bra.”

I roll my eyes.

“That’s not real.”

“Yes it is!”

He’s serious and I can’t help, but laugh at the thought and smirk at him.

“Well, you weren’t a light weight, either, but then again—”

I throw some napkins at him.

“Maybe you stuff, too.”

“Never! That would scare guys away. No one would want to go home with me if I appeared bigger than I already am.”

His mischievous smile stretches to his eyes, making them sparkle.

During the walk back, he grabs my arm.

“Oh, before I forget! Guess what we’re doing after work Thursday.”

He’s like a kid trying to hold a secret on Christmas. I look at him with faux trepidation.

“Drowning kittens?”

He rolls his eyes.

“Jerk. We’re going to do Karaoke. I talked to a bunch of people from work and everyone’s down to make this a regular Thursday night thing.”

I’m surprised and elated by this news as Karaoke is my favorite pastime.

“Seriously? That’s awesome! Thank you, this has made my day.”

“My pleasure, really. It’s fun watching you sing and dance, so it’s kind of a win-win for everyone.”

He starts doing a little victory dance on the street.

“Looks like those dance lessons paid off didn’t they? Chicago two step might have some dance moves to show off tomorrow night. Are you going to give me a run for my money?”

He winks and rubs his hands together in delight.

“Shit, you know it! We’ll kill it together during a duet, though.”

I smile. “Yes, we will.”

I’m really starting to love this friendship I have with Charles, it’s easy and fun. We talk about song choices and ideas and how showmanship is important. It’s not all about the song, but how you perform. We’re waiting by the elevator when I feel my phone vibrate. I figure lunch is over so it won’t be too disrespectful to answer my phone.

[Jesse] I know we hung out yesterday, but there’s a concert at the Zoo tonight, if you’re interested. I got tickets through work. No clue if the music is good or not. Find out with me? 7:30. I can pick you up?

I smile and respond.

[Colin] I love bad music, sign me up. See you at 7:30!or maybe dinner before? No big deal if not.

He must have his phone on him because his response is instant.

[Jesse] Yes!

[Jesse] I mean, sure, cool, whatever. Six?

[Colin] *thumbs up emoji*

[Jesse] See you later.

Charles notices my smile and teases.

“Blondie's making you blush.”

“What? No. No. He asked me out tonight.”

“Awesome, what are you guys doing?”

“He’s taking me to a concert at the Zoo. He doesn’t know the band, but he got the tickets through work. You know me, I love all music!”

“That you do. I’m sure you’ll have a good time.”

I notice his smile is slightly pursed, not filled with joy like it normally is. He’s probably bloated from eating out everyday, I know I am.

* * *

After work, I shower, change my clothes, start a load of laundry, and empty the dishwasher. Before I know it, Jesse arrives. I hug him, still unsure of proper etiquette. His body feels amazing; strong and secure.

“Hey! I didn’t expect you to come to the door. I know parking is terrible so I was planning on going down to the street.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’m not a seventeen-year-old boy. I’m going to pick my date up at the door and not on the street like some hooker.”

He playfully bumps me.

Cute.

We decide on dinner at a local pub. There’s something about Jesse that’s very comforting. He’s confident, but not cocky, genuine, humble, and easy going. He intrigues me. He sets his menu down and stares at me. His sudden attention is making me feel insecure.

“What? Is there something wrong?”

“No. I want to ask you something, but I don’t know if it’s too soon.”

I smile with relief.

“Then ask. I’ll let you know if I don’t feel comfortable.”

“Um, when did you know you were gay and I guess, more specifically, I’m curious about your past boyfriends?”

He’s drumming his fingers on the menu.

“You don’t have to tell me, yet. I mean, it’s only date three, right? You’re not obligated.”

I laugh.

“Oh, stop. You could’ve asked me about this on date one. Well, I knew I was gay since…forever. I’ve never been attracted to women, but I think I actually realized what it meant when I was fifteen? I was a late bloomer. I told my parents when I was seventeen. Boyfriends? Blah!”

My face sours and he laughs.

“Well, I was pretty ugly and undesirable until I was about twenty. After that, I went on a few dates with a couple of guys, two to be specific. I guess I wasn't emotionally ready. I think part of it was the fact I still felt undesirable, paired with the fact people usually only wanted to be with me because of my family. It made it hard to trust anyone’s motives. When I was twenty-three, I—I don’t even know how to explain this. I guess I was dating a guy, but we weren’t dating. I mean, we never went out on dates. I was kind of stupid, I guess. It’s dumb.”

I feel so annoyed about the entire situation.

“I’m sorry, this isn’t that difficult or complicated.”

I try to laugh it off.

“Basically, long story short, this guy was a man slut and I was naive. He was my first. We were together for about three months for sexual purposes only. His intentions, not mine. Then he left me because I was too clingy for demanding attention and genuine affection.”

I shrug.

“I wasn’t with anyone before and I haven’t been with anyone since. So, yeah. Ta-da!”

I smile and give my best jazz hands.

“What about you?”

I imagine he has a long roster, he and Charles would be great friends.

“I suppose I also knew I was gay since day one, but I had no idea what it was. So, I dated girls in high school and college. I didn’t know any gay people so I didn’t understand my feelings. I think I was a sophomore at college when everything clicked for me. It took a while to fully come to terms with being gay. Maybe that’s a bad explanation. It took me a while to be confident and secure with who I am. It did happen though. I came out to my parents my senior year, about four months before graduation.

My parents and sisters were great and very supportive. Shocked, but also not, at the same time, it’s hard to explain. I was so busy graduating, applying for jobs, and becoming an adult, dating didn’t really cross the table. This might be a weird thing for you to hear and I hope you don’t judge me for it, but you’re actually my first guy date...ever. Ah, for the record, I’ve done stuff with guys while I was figuring out my shit, but I’ve never had intercourse, just everything else.”

He looks nervous.

“Not a ton or anything, a normal amount, maybe? Or less? I don’t know the statistics so I guess I don’t have a reference point for that statement. So yeah, I’m a virgin sexually and relationally. Ta-da!”

He replicates my jazz hands and we both laugh at the awkward, yet, hilarious nature of the conversation and the well placed jazz hands.

“I’m glad everything’s on the table,” he says, relieved.

I can see a weight’s been lifted from him.

“Me, too.”

I look at him for a moment.

“While we’re on the subject, there’s one thing I’d like to add for the sake of full disclosure so there’s no surprises later. I’m not interested in being in a relationship that’s not equal.”

Words are suddenly flowing off of my tongue.

“Not only in the relationship/dating part like paying, driving, yadda-yadda. I mean, I do want it equal there, but what I’m trying to say is, sexually, I want an equal.”

I look at him to see if he understands. He doesn't. He looks confused.

“Ok, the guy I dated for three months was strictly a top, he absolutely wouldn’t do it any other way and I won’t do that, again. It’s not that I desperately want to top or anything like that, I mean, I definitely want to.”

I blush, feeling incredibly awkward.

“The whole situation was emotionally degrading for me, to be with someone who refused to relinquish control, which is stupid and immature, but whatever. So yeah, I thought you should know...for future reference.”

He smiles and slightly bites his lip.

“I’ll file that away...for future reference.”

Oh, god, he’s so fucking delicious when he smiles, especially when it’s because we’re talking about our potential future of intimacy. Is this tall, muscular, chisel jawed beauty, who may want me, for real? The idea is absurd.

We finish our meal while talking about our pasts, families, and what it was like coming out. Then we argue about who’s paying for dinner because, technically, it’s my turn, but Jesse says he invited me so he should pay. This goes on for five minutes until, finally, I win.

We drive up the hill to the zoo. We’re early so we can get a decent parking spot and lawn spot.

Jesse’s holding a blanket in his left hand, leaving his right hand conspicuously available.

“Would you be offended if I held your hand?”

I smile and take his hand in mine.

“I have a lot of feelings about that, but offended isn’t one of them.”

We walk, talk, and hold hands on the way to the outdoor amphitheater park.

“Who’s the band, Jesse?”

“Oh, uh, let me check.”

I let go of his hand and he looks at the ticket. He cluelessly shrugs and quickly retrieves my hand.

“Kaleo?”

I’m trying not to get excited, but this is a big deal.

“Kaleo, from Iceland? The rock band, Kaleo? Mostly tours internationally or East Coast, that Kaleo?”

A deep chuckle develops within his chest.

He shrugs, “Maybe. I have no idea.”

“Well, if it is, we need to go now and get good seats.”

I pull his hand, making him trot behind me. There’s tons of people already here, but we still manage to snatch a good spot. I can’t believe my luck, it is Kaleo. I burst out, unable to hold back my excitement.

“I’m so excited!”

I can’t hold still and I’m smiling so hard my face hurts. I make a sweeping gesture over my body, indicating my overwhelming happiness.

“You did this! You’re doing this!”

He’s spreading our blanket on the grass. He looks amazing in a pair of simple jeans and a down jacket zipped up all of the way. I love the outdoor Pacific Northwest look. He looks up, smiles at my giddiness, and raises his brow.

“What if I told you I could make this better?”

“I wouldn’t believe you, but feel free to try.”

He sits down on the blanket and nods for me to come over as he taps the ground between his legs. I sit down with my back to his chest.

I feel him moving behind me, then he leans forward so my back is flush to his chest. His mouth is at my left ear and I can feel his breath as he speaks.

“I didn’t think these were going to get used, but now I know, for certain, I was wrong.”

He moves his right hand in front of me, he’s holding two lanyards with meet and greet passes attached to them for after the show.

“Courtesy of Nike so please don’t thank me.”

He pauses for a second.

“Actually, I take that back. Feel free to thank me.”

I turn my head and find him smiling, his blue eyes full of anticipation. I turn all of the way around until I’m standing tall on my knees in front of him and ask.

“Would you be offended if I kiss you?”

He smiles, playfully, leaving me in suspense. Finally, he gently shakes his head. As expected, he won’t be offended. I lean forward, stopping before our lips touch.

“Thank you.”

Our lips meet and stall for a moment before opening. I feel his tongue slide against mine and my stomach starts fluttering as I lean against him, letting his lips and tongue dual with mine.

I slide my palms up his chest until I’m bracing his neck as he reclines back with his hands extended behind him to brace us. We reluctantly break the kiss, needing to take a breath as part of basic survival.

“I can say, with confidence, that didn’t offend me.”

He leans towards me for another kiss.

“And you’re very welcome.”

I can’t believe we’re making-out in front of everyone. I turn around, returning to my original position against his chest, and smile when I feel his arms wrap around my waist, holding me tightly against him.

The concert is amazing, unreal, and completely out of this world. Mostly, we sit on the blanket listening to the band, sometimes holding hands and sometimes leaning closely against one another. We also manage a few selfies of us together, which I glance at, I quite enjoy seeing him snuggled against my neck and smiling.

During the slow song, I reach for his hand and we dance in the middle of the concert. Our exhibitionist behavior sparks other people to follow our lead and it doesn’t take long before a third of the crowd is dancing to the beautiful ballad. Overall, it’s quite a phenomenal evening.

The concert eventually concludes and we walk to the meet and greet. The band members are all incredibly friendly and funny, plus their accents are so sexy. We finally leave the Zoo after I get the whole band to autograph my meet and greet pass.

“I’m so sorry. I just realized we’re almost to my apartment and I’ve been going on and on about the band. I’m going to say, one last time, they were awesome and I appreciate you inviting me. Okay, now I’m done and we can talk about something else.”

I zip my lips and throw away the key. Jesse has his hand on my thigh and my hand is resting on his. He looks at me and laughs.

“It’s okay, it makes me happy knowing you had a good time. Earlier today, I was worried the band was going to suck and the date would be a bust. So yeah, I’m pretty happy too.”

He squeezes my leg and smiles, sending a wave of lust through my body. I smile as we approach my apartment.

“You can drop me off on the street, like a hooker, if you want.”

“I’m sure I could, but do I have to?”

“No.”

He parks and we hold hands as we cross the street to my apartment. We stand on the street outside of my door.

“I’m glad you came with me tonight.”

I tease him, “I think you’re confused about who benefited most from this date.”

He leans forward and kisses me.

“No. I’m not.”

The heat of the kiss quickly grows with intensity. I’m not sure how long we’ve been standing on the street, kissing, but our hands are roaming everywhere north of the Mason Dixon Line. I’m getting a small taste and I want more, but I don't want more, but I definitely want more. But I don’t, but I do. But I can’t, not yet.

I whisper breathlessly. “I want to invite you up.”

“I know, I want you to invite me up, also, but—”

“Yeah, but—”

We’re both disappointed.

“Can I be honest with you?” I ask.

“Please.”

“I want you to come up.”

I bite my lip and Jesse perks up.

“I want to take your shirt off, I want to make-out with you, and I probably want to grind against you. Or you against me. Or us against each other. Any combination of those would satisfy me.”

We both smile.

“I’m not into anything more than that, strictly first base.”

I tug on his jacket zipper. “Well, maybe overrun first base, a little.”

Jesse smiles, “I earned money umping baseball games in high school and college. I’m nothing if not a stickler for rules and regulations. I know, for a fact, overrunning first base is allowed.”

He claims my lips and pulls my hips against his. I can feel his hardness pressing against mine, causing heat to surge through my body. I pull away and tease him.

“Is that a yes? Because, if it is, you’ll need to let go of me so I can unlock the door.”

He teasingly pouts his lip.

“Back to the dugout I go.”

I’m so gone for this guy.

I enter the code and unlock the door. Jesse follows me upstairs, closely trailing behind me, never letting go of my waist. I pull my phone out and discreetly set the timer.

“This is the laundry room, it’s really exciting stuff.”

I’m walking backward, pulling him by his zipper, never breaking eye contact. I nod my head in the direction of the hall.

“There’s a bathroom and two bedrooms down that way.”

I nod to my other side and set my phone on the island counter.

“Over here is the kitchen and behind me is the living room.”

Jesse smiles and nods in response. My skin pulses under his intense stare, those blue eyes are burning me.

We start kissing, but this time, there’s a new urgency and vigor in our actions as our hands continue to explore each other. I’ve been wanting to run my hands across his incredibly formed stomach, so I unzip his jacket and slide it off. Moving my fingers under the hem of his shirt, I slowly feel my way toward his belly button, and make sure I hit each muscle along the way. I can feel goosebumps ripple across his skin from my touch and he takes this as a hint to remove his shirt and begins to lift it off until I stop his hands.

“If you take your shirt off I’m going to break your fingers.”

His eyes widen. Not wanting to stop anything, he immediately stills, letting me continue my exploration.

I’m torn between our frantic kissing or seeing what I’m slowly unwrapping. I decide to see with my fingers. My hands feel every curve and dip of his perfect abs, I can feel soft hairs under my fingers and I move along his hard lines. Finally, I reach the top of his chest and decide it’s time to lose the shirt.

 

Jesse smirks at me, “So, now it’s okay?”

I nod and lift his shirt over his head. I take the moment between kissing to appraise the specimen in front of me, he’s incredibly hard everywhere, but not gross. He’s the perfect balance between chiseled and healthy, my ideal vision.

I push him back so he’s reclining on the couch and slowly move until I’m straddling his lap. We resume kissing as he strips me of my own shirt and starts making discoveries of his own. I notice how he responds when I touch or kiss his collarbone and he notices mine when he touches my waist and lower stomach.

Jesse flips me over so I’m flat on my back under him and devours my body. I haven’t been this aroused in a long time and, suddenly, I’m wondering why I want to wait. I definitely want him to take me.

Jesse starts moving his hips against mine, creating the perfect friction. I can feel my arousal building and my body wants to get closer to him. Jesse is grinding hard against my thigh, I can feel the end coming and there’s not much I can do to stop it. My hands grip his back and I dig my face into the crook of his neck as I huff.

“If you keep doing this, I’m going to cum, soon!”

He chuckles low in his throat.

“I’m sure you’ll be right behind me.”

Something about knowing we’re both on the edge sends each other over the edge and everything between us becomes frenzied.

“Ah! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!”

I feel his grip on my hips intensify as he rides out his orgasm against my leg. His sounds and desperate groping trip me over the edge, too, as I arch my back while his giant body lights up every nerve in mine. I can manage only one word as I feel my cum release into my boxers.

“Shit!”

I relax under him and feeling his large hot body and heavy breathing against me is absolute bliss. My face starts tingling when I feel his lips pepper my cheeks and forehead with kisses.

“Well I haven’t done that in—” he sheepishly starts before being interrupted by a loud and obnoxious car horn.

He looks perplexed and a little insulted.

“Did you set your phone alarm?”

I smile.

“I can neither confirm nor deny. I may have definitely set a timer. It was a fail-safe, how was I supposed to know things would escalate so quickly?”

I give him a chaste kiss and push him off of me so I can turn my phone off. I feel his arms wrap around me.

“Well, I think that’s my cue that curfew is upon us.” He kisses my cheek then moves to my lips.

I bite my lip in wonder as I look at him. He’s amazing, truly unreal, and mine? I walk him downstairs to the street where he asks.

“When do I get to see you again?”

“I’m busy tomorrow, but this weekend?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool.”

He smiles. “Cool.”

He gives me another kiss before crossing the street to the parking garage.