die catfish, die. - 13. hands tied

We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our back the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear

SARAH MCLACHLAN - FALLEN (2004)

** ** **

Eli stood as Adelae came into the coffee shop. Once she spotted him, she pushed through a small crowd of people in the lobby and rushed to him for a hug, then held him at arm's length, smiling, as if she were about to say something.

Her smile fell. “What’s wrong?”

Eli shook his head slightly. “Nothing. Why?”

“Nuh-uh. Something’s up.”

Eli sat in his chair and waited for Adelae to put her things down and get seated.

Once she had pulled her seat in, she reached forward and snapped her fingers twice. “Okay, out with it.”

“It’s…” He stopped and sighed, shaking his head. “Chase came by my house this morning.”

She sat back with a look of incredulity on her face. “You serious right now?” She looked off to the side. “I thought you were done with that mess.”

“I thought I was, too. He just showed up.”

“So, he messes with you, gets you thinking you two were going to get together, says it’s not working because he’s worried about that turd who follows him around everywhere, and he just shows up today?” She turned her head back toward him, and leaned forward on her elbows. “What’s his game?” She asked quietly.

“Adelae...”

She cocked her eyebrows.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do. I wanted there to be more, but it hurt too much last time.”

She leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms. “Physically or mentally?” Ever since Eli had started filling her in on limited details about Chase, she’d suspected Chase might have had something to do with Eli having been beaten up.

Eli cussed himself and shrugged. “I don’t know.”

She tapped her finger into the table. “Bull. Shit. ”

“I think he’s worried that he’ll have nothing to do this summer.”

“And now the tomcats coming around again, probably because he wants something.”

“I don’t think it’s like that.”

“Okay. Level.” She paused, looking to Eli as if she were collecting her thoughts, “If you want to give things a go, and if he makes you happy, then why not? But what happens when that little turd starts causing shit again? What then? What happens at the end of the summer when things go back to the way they are now?”

“I haven’t thought that far ahead.” Eli slouched down in his chair.

“If I was you, I’d lay it out for him before anything else happens. Make him agree to your terms.” She glanced back at the counter. “Let me get something to drink so we can study.”

** ** **

Eli had stayed up late playing video games, to give his mind a break. Now that he was done with school for the year, he wanted a few days to veg out before he had to make any decisions on the fate of his summer.

Naked, he rolled out of his bed and padded upstairs to the kitchen, scratching his butt once along the way. He rooted through the refrigerator and pulled out a carton of orange juice. He stood in front of the kitchen window, taking large gulps of juice, watching a landscaping crew working in the neighbor’s yard.

He watched a young hispanic man, one who couldn’t have been much older than himself, trace around the perimeter of the yard with his weed wacker, his sinewy arms strained against the weight of the machine, his lithe body moving expertly, his caramel skin shimmering with perspiration in the hot morning sun.

For just a moment, the landscaper reminded Eli a little bit of Tau, and he found himself wondering why he hadn’t hung out with Tau after the whole Chase thing fell apart. Come to think of it, Eli couldn’t recall having seen Tau lately, and wondered if they might run into each other at the pool, if he decided to go on one of the free open swim days.

After drinking his fill of OJ, he put the carton back into the fridge and started to walk back toward the basement door, when he heard the doorbell chime.

“Fuck,” he moaned. Carefully, he peeked around the wall leading to the foyer; Chase and his little brother were standing just outside. “God damn it,” he mumbled as he locked eyes with Chase. Eli held up a finger and sprinted back to his room, throwing on his shorts, and running back to the front door.

He pulled the front door open and leaned against the doorframe. He nodded at Chase, trying to play it cool, but his mind was clouded with a million thoughts that he couldn’t calm. With his little brother there, he wouldn’t be able to really talk with Chase.

“Sorry,” Chase said. “Did I wake you up?”

Eli shook his head. “I was in the kitchen getting something to drink. I had to throw on some shorts.”

“Were you naked?” Chet asked with a giggle.

Eli blushed.

Chase turned his shoulder toward him. “Chet, that’s not your business.”

Eli waved his hand through the air. “Don’t worry about it. What’s up?”

Chase turned back toward him. “Wanted to see what you were doing today.”

Eli shrugged. “Didn’t really want to think about that until tomorrow.”

Chet tilted his head, confusion written on his face.

Chase nodded. “Want to hang out or something? We don’t have chores or anything today.”

“Yeah,” Chet interrupted. “Maybe we can go to the pool again.”

“Free swims don’t start for two weeks,” Chase said to Chet, rolling his eyes. “Sorry, I couldn’t leave him at home by himself.”

Eli crossed his arms. “There’s not much to do here. Besides, you and me need to have a long talk about something before we hang out.”

The color drained out of Chase’s face.

He nodded toward Chet. “In private.”

“Okay,” Chase said quietly.

Eli stepped back and held the door open for them; Chase studied Eli’s face. “Come in,” he said.

Eli led Chase and Chet to his basement. He stepped around the corner and turned on his TV and PS4, scrolling through the menus to find a game for Chet to play. He opened Redout, a hovercraft style racing game, and tossed the controller to Chet.

Chet caught the controller and studied it in his hands.

“He’s never played video games before,” Chase said.

Eli sighed, and held his hand toward the couch. “Sit down, I’ll show you how to do it.” He sat next to Chet on the end of the couch. “It’s a racing game, like car racing but in the future with hover cars. It’s not really all that easy, but it’s the only one I have that you can play. They go really, really fast, so it’s going to take you a few tries to get it.”

Chet nodded.

He showed Chet the buttons as he explained them. “You move with this one. The gas and the brake are the triggers here, and there’s a speed boost if you press this button. You use that button for the menu to select things. ‘Kay?”

“I think so,” Chet said.

Eli set Chet up in a game, handed him the controller and stood up, signalling Chase toward his bedroom. When they were both inside, Eli turned on the light and shut the door behind him.

Chase took a slow step toward Eli, leaning in to stroke Eli’s arms with the backs of his fingers.

Eli stepped back. “Let’s not.”

Chase sputtered. “What’s wrong?”

Eli cocked his brow, and sat down on his bed. “What’s wrong? Why are you here, Chase? What do you want from me?”

He shook his head. “What?”

“Dude, you came over here after your best friend beats the shit out of me and tell me maybe we shouldn’t be friends. I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want him fucking shit up for you. You don’t even look at me for several weeks and then you show back up and say we should hang out.”

“Well, we should hang out,” Chase said softly.

“What, because it’s convenient for you? What about when Joey comes back from Florida? What then?”

“What about it?”

Eli sighed in frustration. “Look, I lost one friend this year. I can’t keep doing this bullshit if we’re only friends when Joey’s out of town. It hurts too much, Chase. Every time he comes back, it’s like I’m losing another friend.” He stared at Chase waiting for an answer. “It’s either him or me. It can’t be both.”

Chase’s face remained emotionless.

“Are you going to say something?”

“I’m thinking,” Chase replied.

“Look, I want to hang out with you, and I want us to be friends and maybe other things, too, but Joey is toxic. He’s not a good friend. He manipulates you, he abuses you.”

“Eli, it’s not that simple. You don’t know...”

“No Chase,” Eli leaned forward slightly, “it is that simple. He controls you. He uses you. Real friends don’t do that kind of shit. You know what the difference is between him and me? I actually want you to be happy. I want you to have friends, and to be able to go out and have fun. He doesn’t.”

Chase leaned forward and put his head in his hands.

“I want to be your friend, Chase. But you know it won’t work with him in your life.”

“What do I do about it? How do I get out of it?” Even though Chase’s face stayed emotionless, a tear ran down his cheek. “I can’t tell my parents what kind of a douchebag he is. If I told them the sorts of things he does, they wouldn’t believe me.”

“Then we need to find someone else to help you. If you want to get him out of your life, I’ll stand by you no matter what. I’m sure Adelae and Tau would, too. You wouldn’t have to do this alone.”

Chase stared at Eli.

Eli slid across the bed and sat next to Chase, wrapping his arm around his back.

“You promise you’ll help me?”

 ** ** **

“You’re looking healthier.” Reagan leaned forward and grabbed a paper coffee cup off the table in front of her. She took a short sip and set it back down.

“It doesn’t hurt as bad to breathe anymore,” Eli said.

“How are you otherwise?”

Eli shrugged. “I guess I’m fine.”

“No run-ins with Mister Expletive Expletive-pants?”

Eli shook his head. “I think he’s out of town for the summer.”

“So you started your break?”

“Yeah. Just this last Wednesday. I wanted to spend the first few days alone before I figured out what I wanted to do. Just unwind from the year…”

“You wanted to? Did something come up?”

Eli leaned back. “Can I ask your advice about something?”

“If you’d like.”

“You remember that kid I told you about that has that toxic friend?”

“Are we talking about religious possibly-gay not religious friend, or someone else?”

Eli pressed his lips flat. “Well, here’s the thing: after I got beat up, this friend told me we should stop seeing each other,” he held up his hands, “as friends, because of the toxic friend. He came over yesterday and now he wants to hang out since the toxic friend is out of town, and I told him not unless he stops hanging out with the toxic friend. I told him it hurt too much when he ditched me.”

“I think that it’s good that you’re setting up boundaries.”

“Well, I told him I’d be there for him. He says he can’t go to his parents about the toxic friend because they wouldn’t believe him, or they’d just think he’s making things up.”

“What do you know about their relationship?”

“The toxic kid yells at my friend a lot.” Eli sighed.

“I get the feeling there’s something else.”

Eli clasped his hands in his lap and squeezed them together. “The day I got beat up, me and… Chad--my friend--were hanging out. I mean, we had been hanging out over spring break, and I thought there might be something more than friends there, but it didn’t really go that far. But anyway…

“It was the last day of break, and I was over at his house, and the toxic guy showed up. Chad pushed me into the closet and I heard them talking. He was saying stuff like ‘you know I’m your only friend,’ and that his life would be ruined if everyone found out that he was running around with a fag like me.”

Reagan shifted her weight. “Wait a moment, are you out at school?”

“Only to my friend Adelae.”

“Okay, continue.”

“Chad tried to defend me and the toxic friend backhanded him, then started talking all calm and saying that I would ruin his life. When Chad came back to school, he had bruises on his arms, but he wouldn’t tell me where he got them. I think it was the toxic friend.”

“So this friend is abusive to him?”

“And Chad’s parents love the toxic friend. I guess what I’m trying to ask is, now that Chad said he wants to be my friend and cut out Toxic, what can we do since he can’t go to his parents about it? Who can we talk to?”

“Well, if Toxic was hitting him, he should go to the police. Maybe before school starts, Chad could go see his school counselor about it and make sure they’re in different classes.”

“What if they call his parents? And I don’t think switching classes would work because they live close to each other, I think. He’d follow him home.”

“Ultimately, it’s Chad who is going to have to make up his mind on how he wants to deal with it. Other than the mental and possible physical abuse, my concern is that if Toxic is hitting Chad hard enough to leave bruises, that a teacher might call in the police and get his parents involved in the wrong ways. They might think his parents did it.

“I think there are several ways he could deal with it. Maybe try to see if you could get him to see a therapist and talk about all these issues? I can’t talk about what my patients say unless I think they are being harmed or they might hurt someone, not even to their parents. If he is being abused by his friend, maybe a therapist could open that avenue to his parents, and then they could step in.”

Eli bit his bottom lip. “They’re old-school religious, though. They’d probably talk to a priest at their church rather than a therapist.”

“I don’t mean to dishearten you or your good intentions, but I think you’re going to need adult intervention with this. Maybe your mom could help? Unless I start seeing Chad as a patient, my hands are really tied. There’s not much I can do.”