Three Strikes - 14. Two steps forward and one step back

I enjoyed living life on my toes and not letting things settle into a mundane experience where every minute became as predictable as the next. If someone asked me, ‘Donovan, what’s new?’ I wanted to have something to say. Yes, I had a steady job and a fairly predictable schedule, but that didn’t mean my life wasn’t interesting.

There was always a level of art in my life, and by art I mean theatrics, and by theatrics I mean drama. I’d never liked drama. Okay, I’d never liked the word ‘drama’ because it left a yucky taste—it was classless. People love art and I loved a little art in my life, especially art that belonged to others. Forgive me, but it was entertaining. What wasn’t entertaining was my own art. Lately I felt as if I’d had enough drama to sustain a week-long dinner party.

I desperately needed to decompress everything that’d happened with Shane. My brain was all over the place. I’d experienced (what some might call) lust at first sight, followed by intense hatred, followed by more disdain, followed by ah-ma-zing sex, regret, anger, self-loathing, frustration, a sudden shift to guilt (for how I was treating him), interest and lust again, interesting conversation, and now a planned date (which I was freakishly excited about).

I’d had a hard time talking to the rest of the DONNAS about it because I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear what they had to say. If someone else had told me the story line of ‘Shane’, I would’ve told them he wasn’t worth the trouble. If my friends had any sense at all, they’d tell me the same thing. Before I tell the DONNAS about the date, I needed to get everything off of my chest to a more mature crowd.

The only better feeling than leaving the salon with a professional hair-style was having your whole body looking and feeling great, too. So, on my bi-weekly haircut days, I liked to take a few extra minutes to get ready for the day—body exfoliation, in between wax or shave, extra moisturizer, and maybe an at home facial or mud mask to brighten up my, almost never dull skin.

This particular day, I’d worn a fitted pair of low-rise, straight jeans; brand new, white converse; a fitted, white, long-sleeve Henley tee; and a fitted, white and maroon jacket. The crisp-white and the dark-maroon complimented my tanned complexion. Who was I kidding, everything I did that day complimented everything else I did. I was a product of self-care and I looked exceptional because of it.

Ain't no shame in my self-care game.

When I left Deb’s chair, I looked and felt like a million dollars so I decided to hit Benson Park. I thought there was a chance I’d run into Thomas and his friends, but in case I didn’t, I’d decided to grab a book and spend some time increasing my literary word count goals. I tried, sometimes with success and sometimes not, to read twenty four books a year.

The last half dozen books I’d read had been real downers and I was the type of person who became heavily attached to what I was reading. So, I was in desperate need of something light and fluffy to balance out the dark, emotional, and soul sucking books I’d had in my queue.

With my need to read an uppity book and talk to mature people, I grabbed my newly purchased copy of Doug and Carlie and set out for Benson Park. I wasn’t sure if Thomas and his friends would be there, but if they weren’t, I’d have time to sit on a park bench while looking hellaciously good and reading a fun and witty book.

It didn’t matter how the day progressed because I’d come out ahead, so I walked across the park for the first time and enjoyed being able to really enjoy my surroundings—it was every bit the perfect park I knew it was. Thomas and company appeared to be creatures of habit so I made my way through the maze of crisscrossing paths, which appeared to be of no real design, until I found their table.

I was fifty-seven pages into Carlie’s story when I was interrupted by a familiar voice.

“Ray Charles, as I live and breathe!”

After marking the page, I closed my book and looked up to see my favorite AARP members. I couldn’t help but smile at their expressions. Thomas thought he was clever for calling me Ray Charles, Jack and David looked pleased to see me sitting at their spot, and then there was Mikey—if I hadn’t known better, I would’ve thought I was the first sign of civilization he’d seen after sixty years of wandering alone.

“For now, old man. You live and breathe, for now,” I smirked at Thomas.

Everyone’s smiles brightened as they sat down with me at their table. Jack closely surveyed and scrutinized my body. I realized I was shirtless and wearing tiny running shorts the last time they saw me. Although, since he was straight, I wasn’t sure what that had to do with anything. Eventually, he relaxed and let out a long sigh.

“When you’re young and dumb, no offense, you get to look like (he pointed at me) this, but once you know your shit and can keep your head above water, it’s too late because you look like this—he pointed at himself and then moved on to each remaining member before laughing. It’s not fair.”

Thomas added.

“I want to know, when we became old? I’m not talking about age and wrinkles because that shit creeps up real slow. You see it coming for years, there’s nothing you can do about it. No, I’m talking about—shit! I mean, look at us!”

He pointed at their various plaid button ups and beige slacks before he continued.

“We fucking look old. At what age did we stop caring about looking good? Why can’t we dress like…Donovan? David said.

“This doesn’t apply to you, but if I went home dressed like Donovan, Marie would think I’m either going insane or having an affair.”

Jack agreed. They had a point, though. I was sure their wives would freak out, but maybe…

“Actually, Tommy has a point. I don’t think you guys should dress like me because you’d look like your trying too hard, and no one wants an old man trying to dress like this. But there’s tons of great clothes for older men that would make you guys hot as hell! I have no doubt your wives would appreciate the effort.”

“I wouldn’t know where to start. I’ve shopped at the same section of JC Penny for the last thirty years.”

I cringed as everyone else in the group nodded to confirm they were on the same page. Oh, my Lanta!

“Oh, boi! That’s it. We’re going to pick a day and go shopping. Queer Eyes for the Old Guys. It’s going to be fabulous! Oh-my-god, I have so many ideas!”

So many thoughts and ideas were going through my mind and I had several potential stores I’d need to scout. Then we wouldn’t waste any time on duds when we finally went out. The whole idea of taking the guys shopping and doing a Gramps makeover made me so excited. I couldn’t help but clap my hands with glee. I knew my smile was radiating throughout the park because they took one look at me, started laughing.

“Oh, man. He’s worse than our wives,” David remarked.

He was probably right, but I didn’t care because I was going to make them look fabulous. I only wished there was some sort of an event where I could’ve shown them off when it was all said and done. No matter, it was going to be awesome, regardless.

We talked about their sizes, style preferences, and times, over the next few weeks, which would work best for them. They were going to talk about a budget they could all agree upon so it was fair across the board. Shopping with other people's money was enough to give me a slight stiffy. The more we talked the more excited I became.

“Are there any updates with Arby?”

Mickey brought that up…of course! He was such an old pervert but I loved it. I looked at them and let out a heavy sigh. It was dramatic, but it got the point across that they were in for a wild ride, which was also dramatic. As I said, I love the arts.

I filled them in on Friday night’s events, his apparent disinterest on Monday, our run/race on Tuesday, the brunch date, and his cute reason for not swapping numbers.

“So yeah, it’s been nuts and I don’t know how I feel. I’m definitely interested, but I’m also hesitant. I mean, he was a jerk at first, and I don’t want to get tangled in a mess like that, again.”

I sighed at my first world problems. Whatever, on a good day, dating would literally blow but mostly, it sucked. Actually, that’d be a good date, also.

“Men suck!” I said to no one in particular.

Everyone nodded their heads in silence until Thomas spoke to me.

“You’re overthinking it. Everyone has their flaws and everyone deserves the chance to have someone see past their flaws. My grandson, Kells is gay. He can be a total asshole, but he’s also the kindest person I know. He was dealt a shitty hand and it negatively affected him in so many ways. I’d love to have him meet someone like you, who might be willing to break down those walls and show him grace and love.”

My mouth widened at the idea.

“Oh-my-god! I want to meet your grandson! Is he cute? You know what, it doesn’t matter, just make it happen!”

I was only half joking. It would’ve been cool being part of Thomas’ family. My excitement had the group laughing and Thomas was shaking his head.

“There’s no way that’ll happen. I like you too much to break your neck or kick you out of the family if it didn’t work out. He needs someone I don’t like because I want you to stay.”

“Aww, aren’t you the sweetest. I’m disappointed though. What if he’s the love of my life and you’re denying us?”

Thomas laughed again.

“I’ll tell you what. Every summer, the four of us gather our families together and have a big reunion-type get together. We eat a ton of food, play a competitive game of baseball, and have a great time. You should come to the next one and meet Kells. If things haven’t worked out with you and Arby, then you can decide if you’re interested in Kells. No matter what happens, he, his brother, and their friends are going to be excited because Don Allerton is at the party.”

I narrowed my eyes at him and he looked away—the bastard was using me. Everyone else in the group was trying to hold back their smiles as I leaned back and folded my arms across my chest to let them know I meant business.

“Spill.”

Mickey put his hands up in a calming manner and smiled.

“Hear us out. Every year, we have this reunion and every year the younger team wins by a few points. After we found out you were Don Allerton, we thought it might be fun to invite you along, have you play on our team, and see the look of surprise on everyone's face when you show up—and when you help us win. We’d die happen men.”

“And, if you’re still with Rat Bastard, then he should come, too, so we’d be stacked,” Jack added.

They all looked so hopeful, like old puppies that finally had something to look forward to. How could I say no?

“I’ll think about it. For the record, I think it’s weird that you’re making me out to be some sort of baseball celebrity. I only played for two years. It was hardly a career.”

“During those two years, you broke so many records and led OSU to two consecutive championships! You were the hottest buzz college ball had had in years and then one day, poof—” Jack’s hands mimicked an explosion. “You were gone.”

He shook his head with disappointment. Not at me but at the situation, then continued.

“There wasn’t any information. Oregon State didn’t comment on it and when it was brought up by the press, they only said you’d decided to pursue ‘academics’. Nobody bought that baloney! So what really happened?”

It didn’t matter that it all happened seven years ago because it was still a sore spot. I would’ve liked say time made it easier to talk about, but it didn’t—it wasn’t something I talked about very often.

“It was complicated. I was gay when I joined the team and they tried to push me around, but I wouldn’t let them dictate my life. They didn’t force me to leave, not in so many words anyway. But I wasn’t going to stay and be treated unfairly.”

“Why didn’t you transfer to another school? You could’ve gone to UCLA, Stanford, or any number of other schools.”

I shrugged.

“I know and I thought about it, but I was so angry and stubborn at the time, I decided to be done with it all. I do regret not being able to kick OSU’s ass from another school, though.”

I was twenty-years-old when I’d made the choices I thought were best at the time and I didn’t regret where I ended up, but I’d always wondered what would’ve happened if I’d transferred schools and kept playing.

“Well, OSU was stupid. We always enjoyed watching you play.”

When everyone nodded in agreement with Thomas, it made me feel good.

“I have a makeup game tomorrow and another game Friday, both at six in the evening, if you guys want to go. I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting the team we play Thursday, but I’ve heard they’re a bunch of jerks. We were supposed to play last Friday but they cancelled. We could use a big audience.”

They happily agreed to try and come to one or both games and we spent the next hour talking about life, baseball, and the summer reunion. I asked if anyone else had a gay grandson and was disappointed that they didn’t. We talked a lot more about Arby and decided he might need a new nickname since he wasn’t as ratty anymore.

They encouraged me to give him a shot and pointed out, should he turn out to be an ass, I could always walk away. They also stressed that I’d never know what kind of person he really was until I gave him a shot. I continued to think about how Thomas talked about his grandson and how there were influences in life that are hard to overcome. Who knew what Shane’s influences were?

“Baseball gives you three strikes and a few foul balls for a reason. Even the best players can fail at making a solid connection the first few times.”

Those were the last words Thomas said to me before we parted ways. What I wouldn’t give to be old and wise.

*** *** ***

I briefly chatted with Shane before practice on Wednesday and it was only a little awkward. The way it is when there’s something and nothing going on between two people. I didn’t know if he’d told the DAKS about the date or not. I hadn’t told the DONNAS because I didn’t want to hear what they thought. I also didn’t want to flaunt it because I know more than one of them had a crush on Shane. So I laid low and tried not to be too obvious.

I worried Shane thought I might be brushing him off so I gave him a bright smile and made sure to touch his arm longer than necessary before he left. Since I didn’t hate him anymore, it was very hard not to stare at, and obsess over him. He had a quality, a little something extra, that you couldn’t put your finger on.

He was handsome with his six-month-no-haircut chestnut hair, which he’d always hid under what I’d assumed was, one of many different hats. I’d yet to see him wear the same one twice. He had strong facial features with a thick jaw and, well, I guess everything about him was pretty thick.

He was attractive and had a good boy smile, although he didn’t show it very often. Objectively, he wasn’t the first person you’d notice in a crowd, except he had that damn quality about him. He wasn’t outgoing or loud and he didn’t draw attention to himself, but you still noticed him. He fascinated me and the more I tried to figure him out, the more I wanted to…figure him out.

I talked to the DONNAS and, since I worked Thursday, I wasn’t going to be able to get ready for the game with them as we usually did. I still offered my house, which they’d gladly accepted. I had a feeling they would’ve done it anyway because they had no respect for my personal space or the personal space of any DONNA for that matter.

We briefly talked about the rumors of how Hank’s played dirty and loved to talk serious crap. We knew we were going to be targets because of our sexuality and lifestyle choices, but it didn’t bother us. In fact, we decided to doll up more than usual.

The last twenty minutes of practice was spent teaching the team a few dance moves so when my buddy played the music, we’d all join in. It would really irritate Hanks team. I didn’t know how we ended up with such a kickass team, but I loved the fact the heteros were so willing to participate in our shenanigans.

*** *** ***

Thursday was a kickass day at work. Possibly because, in general, everyone was in a good mood and good moods go a long way in the Pediatric Cancer Ward. There was also another reason why the day was great—Calvin.

Specifically, Calvin and Daisy. I’d been successful with arranging their schedules to coincide, and I was able to spend half of the day watching them smile, talk, and flirt with each other. Young puppy love is so cute, especially when it’s kids that don’t get to have a normal experience.

“Alright, Cal. Are you ready to go?”

He looked at me and pleaded to stay longer and I wished I could’ve, but that wasn’t in the cards and he knew it.

“I’ll give you five more minutes, but then we have to go. Sound good?”

He nodded and I left him to say his awkward goodbyes. I watched from the nurses station and we couldn’t help but squeal at how freaking adorable they were! I loved making small things like that happen for the kids and, as happy as Calvin (and I assumed Daisy) was, I wasn’t without my own personal reward. Being able to watch young love was very satisfying. After giving him ten minutes, instead of five, I walked back to him and, that time, he knew it was time to go. Once we were out of earshot, I leaned down and whispered.

“So, how was it? Did you have a good day?”

I heard him breathe out and I could sense his smile.

“You have no idea, Doo Doo! It was the best day ever!”

The joy in his voice was so overwhelming and I felt a lump forming in my throat. I smiled and bit my lip in an effort to contain my joy. I reached down and lovingly ruffled his blonde hair and he pushed my hand off as if it was a giant inconvenience.

“God, Doo Doo! Don’t embarrass me!”

He tried to desperately straighten his hair out. He was already starting to lose some of it, but most of it was intact…for the time being.

“Whatever, little man. So tell me, does Daisy like Pokémon? Was she ticking any of your boxes?”

He thought about it for a minute.

“Well, she doesn’t hate Pokémon and she said I could teach her how to play, so that was rad. She’s so perfect, she’s creating boxes I didn’t know I had, then ticking them off.”

I laughed as I continued to push him to his room.

“Okay, Romeo, your new calling is teaching the art of romance to grown men who don’t have a clue.”

Maybe he didn’t have the same selfish desires as others because he’d had to endure so much during his life, but he was just as happy to have the company of someone he liked and I admired that. Sometimes, I felt as if I was jaded or I had such high and unrealistic expectations that I’d never find someone to fill them. Kells and Shane weren’t the only ones who’d had things in their past negatively affect their lives and/or relationships.

“What? No way! I can’t teach grown-ups anything. I just know I like Daisy, and she understands me, and the cancer doesn’t scare her like it does other people, and that’s cool.”

“Yes way! You don’t know how awesome you are. You can teach a lot of people a lot of different things. You’re one of the coolest people I’ve ever met...and I know a lot of awesome people. Don’t sell yourself short.”

“Whatever you say, Doo Doo.”

Cal had never been good at taking compliments. For some reason, he felt that being a kid with cancer somehow made him less of a person instead of someone who could be admired.

“When’s your next game? Any good music planned?”

“Yeah, we actually have a game tomorrow. The other team is a bunch of assholes, shit, I mean…”

I bit my tongue. I didn’t usually talk that way in front of the kids so I’d panicked, back peddled, and ultimately dug myself deeper into a hole.

“Donovan, it’s cool. I know bad words, too. So, the other team is a bunch of assholes, huh? What are you going to do about it?”

I laughed at his casualness. I knew it probably took all of his courage to say the word asshole and imagining his face as he tried to play it off like ‘it’s cool. I know bad words, too’, made me laugh. I knew his parents and they would’ve threatened to wash his mouth out with soap, although I doubted they’d do it—given his life long fight with cancer. But they’d still threaten it.

“I don't know. We’re going to play our best and hopefully beat them, other than that, I have a song picked out that’ll probably irritate them, so that’ll be rad.”

I’d purposely mocked his overuse of the word rad. We finally arrived back at his room. I knew he was tired because days like these were exhausting and he’d used all of his energy while talking to Daisy. We talked a little more and got him situated so he could take a nap. I’d finished adding some notes into the system when Cal called my name so I turned around and gave him my full attention.

“You’re going to beat them fair and square, right? Teach those jerks a lesson?”

“Oh, heck yeah, you know it buddy.”

“Rad.”

He paused and yawned, but I knew he hadn’t finished yet.

“You know, you can teach people things, too. You’re like no one I’ve ever met. You’re not afraid to be yourself, you’re confident and cool, and you have really great hair, but mostly, I never hear or see you put people down. I hear other nurses talking because they don’t think we listen, but we don’t have anything else to do, you know? They say mean things about people, but you don’t. You’re so kind and that’s why everyone likes you. That’s why you’re my favorite nurse and my favorite person. I want to be like you.”

Fuck man. I felt my chest tighten and my throat tingle and I knew I was going to lose the emotional fight. I closed out of my system and walked over to his bed.

“Well, I don’t know if any of that’s true, but damn if I’m not going to try my hardest to live up to the image you have of me.”

I leaned down and kissed his forehead, as I always did, and tucked in his sheets again. His eyes were heavy as he fought sleep.

“You go to sleep. I have to go kick some Hank’s Hardware butt.”

I took one last look at him before I closed the door and his eyes were closed. His words ran through my head and it was hard not to feel guilty. I’d tried to be a good person, but I was guilty of trash talking and gossiping, but I’d never felt guilty about it until then. Having little kids who look up to you, watch everything you do, and listen to everything you say was a lot of pressure. It made me think twice. I wanted to be the person Cal saw me as.

*** *** ***

When I arrived at the park, both teams were already warming up. I hustled to the dugout, got my stuff ready, and jogged onto the field where the rest of my team was throwing the ball around. It was easy to spot the DONNAS because they’d gone all out for that game.

They’d worn every rainbow accessory they could find (probably bought some just for the game), full-face makeup, what looked to be multiple cans of glitter spray, rainbow highlights, and instead of black lines under their eyes, it was—you guessed it, rainbows.

I looked around at the heteros and noticed the DONNAS must’ve included them in their pre-game prep because every guy looked as if he’d been dunked into the tink tank and they were all sporting rainbow belts. I felt a little underdressed and a lot bummed because I wasn’t contributing.

As I walked up to Oliver, Nick, and Sammy, who were tossing balls with Allé, Rick, and Nelly.

“Well, you guys look fucking fab! I’m totes jelly, right now!”

Oliver threw the ball to Allé and replied.

“Yeah, well we’re up against Hank the assholes, so yeah, we had to bring our ‘A’ game. They’ve already been running their dirty pie holes and we haven’t even started yet. I have a feeling this game is going to be interesting.”

“Yeah, one of the guys walked up to Nelly and me when we showed up and told us to take our faggity asses home. Good times.” Nick added.

It wasn’t new for us to hear those kinds of things. In fact, it was a normal part of life, but it didn’t make it any less obnoxious. We finished our warm ups and met in the dugout for our pregame pep talk/game plan. We decided they probably didn’t know the extent of our skill so we’d try to keep it under wraps, as much as possible, before showing them the full power of the rainbow. We talked about who was going to play what position, where we were at regarding pitch counts, and who’d be up. Before we took our places on the field, I made one last announcement.

“I have a feeling these guys are going to try to get under, not only our skin, but the whole team’s, since we are a team and we’re all on the same page. Let’s not give them the satisfaction of reacting. If we ignore them and play better than they do, it’ll piss them off even more.”

Everyone agreed and we hit the field. I looked at the bleachers to see if AARP was there. I secretly hoped they weren’t because I wanted them to watch a respectful game. They weren’t there, at least not then. The DAKS and quite a few members of their team were, which was awesome.

Shane and I made eye contact. He smiled and waved, and I returned the gesture. I didn’t do it on purpose, the smile just happened without thought. He looked extra cute in his big boy clothes. I don’t know if I’d ever seen him in anything except ratty baseball clothes and gym clothes.

The first inning was uneventful. We didn’t allow them any runs, and they tried, but couldn’t stop Nick and Nelly from making two of our three runs. The third inning was when things started to escalate.

Nelly was second-baseman and the runner started making comments, insinuating he was only on the team because he let everyone fuck him or he sucked their dicks. Nelly remained quiet until, finally, he’d had too much.

“Are you asking? Because if you are asking, the answer is no. I’m gay, not desperate. I wouldn’t go anywhere near your limp dick.”

That only escalated the guy and I saw him face Nelly, straight on, and raise up to full stature.

“What did you say, faggot?”

Not about to back down, even though he was (at least) six inches shorter than the runner, Nelly stood with his chest out, too. He spoke very clearly and enunciated each word with conviction.

“I said, I would never touch your nasty dick. I only play with real men.”

The runner’s face turned bright red with fury and I knew shit would’ve went down if the batter hadn’t hit the ball at that very moment, forcing the runner to run. It was a line drive straight to Oliver, at shortstop, who threw it to third and got the lippy asshole out. I saw the tension in both Nelly and Oliver over what had just happened.

The next batter got to the box and made a few practice swings while getting ready for a pitch. He stretched the bat all of the way out, as he swung it back to starting position, and hit Sammy’s helmet—a very intentional move.

“What the fuck, asshole!”

The batter looked at him as if Sammy should’ve known what was coming.

“I thought you’d enjoy getting hit in the face with something long and hard. Isn’t that what you do?”

Sammy looked back at the ump to see if he’d heard it, but he only sympathetically looked at Sammy and shrugged his shoulders. Granted, it was only one comment and it wasn’t uncommon for teams to trash talk, but it still felt a little defeating. The batter had a full count (three balls and two strikes) and, just before the final pitch, he looked at Sammy again and said.

“It’s no wonder you're a good catcher with all of the time you probably spend squatting or on your knees.”

He hit the next ball and made it to first base. The comments kept coming and, for the most part, everyone tried to take them in stride except the twins had started to get lippy back, which only made everything worse. I was torn because Cal’s words were ringing in my head, but I (so badly) wanted to rise above all of that masculine bullshit and fuck someone up with my faggity ass queen hands.

By the end of the fourth inning, they started to get physical as one of the guys stuck his foot out and tripped Allé as he ran from second to third base. He was a champ, though, and managed to turn it into a smooth summersault. But by that point, our team was getting fed up. The DAKS sat on the edge of the bleachers, fury written on their faces, and waited for the mitts to drop so they could come defend us.

We started the fifth inning with a five point lead, which was as close as they’d been most of the game. It started to eat away at their precious egos. They weren’t going to lose to a team full of rainbow-wearing men, gay or not, but mostly gay.

We only played six innings in the men's and coed leagues so their time was running out. Scott was pitching the last two innings unless the Hanks somehow got a lead then I’d step in, but for the time being, he was pitching and doing a great job.

I’d almost wanted to pitch against them, but I knew we’d play them again down the road and thought we should probably save some surprises for later. Scott was able to throw a great inning, but that didn’t stop one of the guys from purposely dozing over Oliver on third.

When it became our turn to bat, things went to hell in a handbasket. The twins had been pretty mouthy during the last two innings and had put themselves at the top of the Hank’s target list. I’d long stopped trying to get them to bite their tongues because the other team was way past normal trash talk and knee deep in nasty, bigoted slurs and physical violence. Even the ump had started to call them out on some of it, but it didn’t seem to make any difference.

We had runners on first and third when Nelly walked up to home plate. Their pitcher was the same guy who first started shit with Nelly earlier in the game. As pitchers went, he was pretty accurate, so it was quite a surprise when Nelly was barely able to dodge the first ball, which appeared to be deliberately thrown at him.

Furious, our team was out of the dugout shouting at the pitcher and the rest of the team and the DAKS were standing against the fence doing the same thing. The ump demanded we return to the dugout, which we did with more than a little back sass.

I heard the DAKS encouraging Nelly from their position near home plate. Nelly had one foot out of the box and was doing light practice swings when the pitcher sent the ball flying, hitting Nelly in the ribs. He instantly drpped him to the ground.

Nick was the first one out of the dugout as he ran straight to his brother and the rest of the team followed in a hurry. I, on the other hand, went straight to the pitcher.

As I marched up to him, ready to throw him down.

“What the fuck was that, you asshole! He wasn’t even in the fucking box!” I screamed.

I’d been as patient as Mother Teresa on Valium, but I was fucking done. I was still aware I needed to not lower myself to his level, but I wasn’t going to standby anymore. The pitcher shrugged as if he had no idea what I was talking about.

“He wasn’t? Oh, I thought he was. I guess I didn’t notice.”

“The hell you didn’t! You blind man-baby! You can’t stand the thought of a group of queers being better at baseball than you! So you’re going to try to kill one of us with a baseball?”

He took another step toward me and puffed out his chest. He was a few inches bigger than I, but I’d had enough rage pumping through my veins, it didn’t matter. He leaned forward and put his face to mine.

“Get out of my face you fucking tran.”

“Yet, here you are in my face. If you wanted to kiss that bad, you should’ve asked!”

With that, I closed the distance and planted a big fat kiss on his homophobic lips. He jumped back so quick, I thought he’d peed on an electric fence and got his man bits electrocuted. In a sense, he did. After that, everything happened so fast. He started spewing every possible nasty word he could think of as he lunged toward me.

I’d been prepared so I cocked my fist back and launched forward with all of my might, landing a solid punch to his nose. I was about to do it again when I was tackled to the ground. I wasn’t about to give up the fight so I started wailing left and right; I wasn’t going down easy.

“Jesus Christ, Donovan! Stop!”

I didn’t have a clue how long I’d been bitch fighting for survival when I realized it was Shane and Kurt who had me pinned down. I still didn’t want to give up, but I didn’t know who I was fighting anymore and, most of all, I couldn’t believe I’d lost myself. What if AARP or Cal had been there?

I got up and saw the whole game was a total fiasco. The pitcher I’d hit was being restrained by his teammates and monitored by Aaron and Drew as most of our team was standing next to Nelly who may or may not have had a broken rib.

That was not how baseball was to be played. It wasn’t hockey.

Nick ended up taking Nelly to the hospital and there were enough players ejected from the game, for unsportsmanlike conduct, that it was over. There was a little pushback because Hank’s didn’t want to admit they’d lost and they tried to weasel their way around it without success. It didn’t matter that we’d won because the truth was, no one was a winner that night. That was a terrible representation of sports and human decency.

After the dust settled, I stormed to the dugout and shoved my equipment into my bag so I could leave. The worst part of the whole evening was the fact that every time I heard the other team’s derogatory comments and it reminded me of Shane and all of the things he’d said to me when we first started the season.

Nothing he said was near the level of Hank’s players, but it didn’t stop me from making comparisons and remembering his hurtful words. It wasn’t just Shane though, it was all of the assholes I’d ever played with, and against, who had a problem with my sexuality or my lifestyle.

I didn’t want to be at the park anymore so I said goodbye to the teammates who hadn’t left and started to leave. I needed to get home and wash the filth of the night away in a hot shower with a good body wash and a post shower yoga session. I hadn’t made it very far when I heard Shane yell my name. I didn’t want to talk to him because I wasn’t at my best and he was hardly on my good list, and that combo was not going to be good.

“What do you want?” I snapped.

My tolerance for the night had severed during my confrontation with the pitcher and I had nothing positive or constructive left to offer anyone. Shane came up alongside of me and, since I didn’t stop walking, started walking with me.

“Well, that was a rough game so I wanted to see how you were doing. I mean, holy shit, you really did some damage to their pitcher!”

I don’t know why I was so annoyed by him. He had our back the entire game and came to my rescue when the guy tried to attack me.

“Yeah, well, he was an asshole.”

“The whole team was. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I couldn’t hear everything, but what I did hear was terrible.”

I stopped walking and looked directly into Shane’s eyes. “Oh, so now you have strong feelings against bigoted words? Where was your sympathy and compassion when you were saying that stuff to me a few short weeks ago?”

He choked on the air as he battled the surprise he’d felt from my words. His eyes were remorseful, sad, and apologetic as they darted between mine, searching for something, for anything.

“Oh, come on, Donovan. I didn’t mean anything by it, I just…”

I put my hand up and shook my head to stop him, “Fuck it! I’m not going to stand here and allow you to try to explain away your actions. The words we heard tonight hurt and the words you’ve said to me in the past hurt. If you didn’t mean them, you wouldn’t have said them.”

He follow me as I started toward my car, but I pushed him back and held eye contact long enough to let him know I wasn’t in the mood for any bullshit. When I turned again, he didn’t follow. For all I knew, he watched me walk away, or walked back to his truck, or went and ate an ice cream cone at the corner creamery. The only thing I wanted to think about was a hot shower with my smelly body wash and a relaxing yoga session in the privacy of my own home. Away from all of the assholes of the world.