Subconscious Mind - 1. Chapter 1: Somewhere somebody

Darkness. Floating. Nothing. Was he, or wasn’t he? Time did not exist. Nor did feelings. But somehow, he knew, he was inside himself. A prisoner of his own body without a way to communicate with the world outside. He hardly understood the meaning of “outside”. But then he noticed something else … A light—a glowing spot—and somehow, he knew, it was different from the darkness surrounding him. It was opposed to it. He tried to touch it, but the moment he did, yet it turned dark again within the same moment. However, this time something was different. The light was not gone for good—it was inside him. Of course, he was aware how ridiculous his assumption seemed to be, as he already was inside himself. He would have laughed, but he had no voice, no control over the muscles necessary to create sounds. In case this really was his body, encapsulating him and holding him captive, he had no control over it.

Eventually the light turned into a thought, a realization, a memory perhaps. The world outside existed. And he was once there, too. But he had no idea, how he came here and how he could escape this prison. Nothing happened. Time passed. Did it? Did time exist down here? Everything was absolutely similar in that darkness. Then, another light turned up. It glowed and disappeared like the first one. And it turned into a thought again. Green eyes. He had no idea, whose eyes that were let alone where he had seen them. But they were kind and handsome. They looked at him comfortingly as if they wanted to say “Don’t worry. Everything is gonna be fine.” They glimpsed and the memory was over—if it was a memory.

Again, he was left alone in the darkness. Was he alone? Would someone come to his rescue? Was this even a bad place, he shouldn’t be? Another light appeared. But it was different. It wasn’t that bright. It grew and shrank, grew and shrank, grew and shrank … It was like a keyhole. Something, a desire, an invisible force dragged him towards the light. He saw colors and shapes dancing inside the light, heard noises, he didn’t understand. The force pushed him further. He entered the light. The light was everywhere, surrounded him like the darkness did. But the light was warm and kind. And he heard these voices again. But he still couldn’t get out.

Why was he still imprisoned? Where was he now? But something changed for the better: He didn't feel like being wrapped in cotton wool anymore. Time wasn’t standing still anymore. He wasn’t numb anymore. More than before, he felt alive. Even though he didn’t get what that all meant, but it felt better. It was like resurfacing into another layer of water, leaving deep-sea.
Eventually he tried to overhear the voices and what they said, but his concentration floated away when he wanted to listen to more than one sentence. Making it even harder, all sounds were muffled just like it really was water surrounding him, but he knew, it wasn’t.

“Will he remember?”, asked a female voice.

“Hard to say”, responded a male speaker calmly and went on to explain the odds in detail, but his brain already abandoned listening again.

He looked around, no, put his feelers of his mind, and he made another discovery: It wasn’t one light, it were lights. A thousand of them. Probably more. Way more. And if that were all thoughts, ideas, memories … was it possible that he reached his brain, reconquered his own control room? Now he realized, he could access any of these lights. Any he wanted. So he reached out to grasp one of them, flickering, tiny ball of light, very flimsy. But it shied away from his feeler. Why? This hasn’t happened before. What kind of thought was it? Why was it afraid to be touched, to be discovered?
Again he heard something from the world outside, which now felt so much nearer and more realistic. Someone moved and said from farther away: “You call me, when something changes with him, right?”

“I do.”

And he was left alone again.

If he had a concept of time, where he was now, he could have quantified, how long he was alone. But then, he opened his eyes and saw … the ceiling. White. White with black dots. Dots or tiny wholes. Whatever that was, it felt cold, unwelcoming. It was silent in this room. Nothing made a noise Not even a ticking clock. Nothing.

The door snapped, shoes came closer, walked around him, stopped. Nothing happened. Or at least nothing he could see. He tried to turn his head, but his head didn’t do anything. It didn’t execute the command.

“Oh!”, the person said suddenly, when she realized, he was awake. She saw him!

Everything is gonna be fine.

Finally, he was arrived. Made contact. He felt released.

A face appeared above him. A woman.

“Can you hear me?”, she asked.

“Yes!”, he shouted out and was full of joy, that finally someone recognized him somehow.

“Oh!”, the woman said again. But disappointed. And then, it sunk in. He hadn’t said anything. His voice wasn’t back yet. The woman left the room again.

He felt more alone than ever. He had managed to escape two layers inside him, but he still wasn’t free. No light or darkness embraced him like a blanked. Just a cold world, where he was less than he was inside. It was like this world trammeled him tight. Trammeled him in a way, neither the darkness nor the light could. It made him feel weak. Useless. Stuck

The door snapped again. A familiar noise. People came or left. But it was meaningless when there was still a barrier between him and them. Again, shoes came closer. A flashlight appeared above him. The light was dazzling. It moved from one eye to the other. Then, it disappeared to the side and revealed the face of a man at his fifties, scrutinizing him.

“Can you hear me?”, he was asked again.

That was so frustrating!

“Okay”, the man said. “If you can hear me, blink.”

How could he? He couldn’t move? He was trapped.

“You can do it. I believe in you”, the man encouraged him. “Just try.”

He tried. Nothing happened. Just what he had expected. But he didn’t give up so easily. It might be hopeless, but it was his only chance.
He tried again.

“Fine.”, the man said. “Welcome back.”