Jump to content
  • Members Can Sign Up For Content Notifications

    Do you want to be automatically notified of updates to your favorite content?  Join now for free and follow your favorite stuff!

    Zuri
  • Author
  • 1,101 Words
  • 1,613 Views
  • 6 Comments

Subconscious Mind - 1. Chapter 1: Somewhere somebody

If the first chapter seems too abstract for your liking, please give chapter two a chance before you decide whether to continue reading the story or not because the first chapter is a bit special compared to the other ones.

Darkness. Floating. Nothing. Was he, or wasn’t he? Time did not exist. Nor did feelings. But somehow, he knew, he was inside himself. A prisoner of his own body without a way to communicate with the world outside. He hardly understood the meaning of “outside”. But then he noticed something else … A light—a glowing spot—and somehow, he knew, it was different from the darkness surrounding him. It was opposed to it. He tried to touch it, but the moment he did, yet it turned dark again within the same moment. However, this time something was different. The light was not gone for good—it was inside him. Of course, he was aware how ridiculous his assumption seemed to be, as he already was inside himself. He would have laughed, but he had no voice, no control over the muscles necessary to create sounds. In case this really was his body, encapsulating him and holding him captive, he had no control over it.

Eventually the light turned into a thought, a realization, a memory perhaps. The world outside existed. And he was once there, too. But he had no idea, how he came here and how he could escape this prison. Nothing happened. Time passed. Did it? Did time exist down here? Everything was absolutely similar in that darkness. Then, another light turned up. It glowed and disappeared like the first one. And it turned into a thought again. Green eyes. He had no idea, whose eyes that were let alone where he had seen them. But they were kind and handsome. They looked at him comfortingly as if they wanted to say “Don’t worry. Everything is gonna be fine.” They glimpsed and the memory was over—if it was a memory.

Again, he was left alone in the darkness. Was he alone? Would someone come to his rescue? Was this even a bad place, he shouldn’t be? Another light appeared. But it was different. It wasn’t that bright. It grew and shrank, grew and shrank, grew and shrank … It was like a keyhole. Something, a desire, an invisible force dragged him towards the light. He saw colors and shapes dancing inside the light, heard noises, he didn’t understand. The force pushed him further. He entered the light. The light was everywhere, surrounded him like the darkness did. But the light was warm and kind. And he heard these voices again. But he still couldn’t get out.

 

Why was he still imprisoned? Where was he now? But something changed for the better: He didn't feel like being wrapped in cotton wool anymore. Time wasn’t standing still anymore. He wasn’t numb anymore. More than before, he felt alive. Even though he didn’t get what that all meant, but it felt better. It was like resurfacing into another layer of water, leaving deep-sea.
Eventually he tried to overhear the voices and what they said, but his concentration floated away when he wanted to listen to more than one sentence. Making it even harder, all sounds were muffled just like it really was water surrounding him, but he knew, it wasn’t.

“Will he remember?”, asked a female voice.

“Hard to say”, responded a male speaker calmly and went on to explain the odds in detail, but his brain already abandoned listening again.

He looked around, no, put his feelers of his mind, and he made another discovery: It wasn’t one light, it were lights. A thousand of them. Probably more. Way more. And if that were all thoughts, ideas, memories … was it possible that he reached his brain, reconquered his own control room? Now he realized, he could access any of these lights. Any he wanted. So he reached out to grasp one of them, flickering, tiny ball of light, very flimsy. But it shied away from his feeler. Why? This hasn’t happened before. What kind of thought was it? Why was it afraid to be touched, to be discovered?
Again he heard something from the world outside, which now felt so much nearer and more realistic. Someone moved and said from farther away: “You call me, when something changes with him, right?”

“I do.”

And he was left alone again.

 

If he had a concept of time, where he was now, he could have quantified, how long he was alone. But then, he opened his eyes and saw … the ceiling. White. White with black dots. Dots or tiny wholes. Whatever that was, it felt cold, unwelcoming. It was silent in this room. Nothing made a noise Not even a ticking clock. Nothing.

The door snapped, shoes came closer, walked around him, stopped. Nothing happened. Or at least nothing he could see. He tried to turn his head, but his head didn’t do anything. It didn’t execute the command.

“Oh!”, the person said suddenly, when she realized, he was awake. She saw him!

Everything is gonna be fine.

Finally, he was arrived. Made contact. He felt released.

A face appeared above him. A woman.

“Can you hear me?”, she asked.

“Yes!”, he shouted out and was full of joy, that finally someone recognized him somehow.

“Oh!”, the woman said again. But disappointed. And then, it sunk in. He hadn’t said anything. His voice wasn’t back yet. The woman left the room again.

 

He felt more alone than ever. He had managed to escape two layers inside him, but he still wasn’t free. No light or darkness embraced him like a blanked. Just a cold world, where he was less than he was inside. It was like this world trammeled him tight. Trammeled him in a way, neither the darkness nor the light could. It made him feel weak. Useless. Stuck

The door snapped again. A familiar noise. People came or left. But it was meaningless when there was still a barrier between him and them. Again, shoes came closer. A flashlight appeared above him. The light was dazzling. It moved from one eye to the other. Then, it disappeared to the side and revealed the face of a man at his fifties, scrutinizing him.

“Can you hear me?”, he was asked again.

That was so frustrating!

“Okay”, the man said. “If you can hear me, blink.”

How could he? He couldn’t move? He was trapped.

“You can do it. I believe in you”, the man encouraged him. “Just try.”

He tried. Nothing happened. Just what he had expected. But he didn’t give up so easily. It might be hopeless, but it was his only chance.
He tried again.

“Fine.”, the man said. “Welcome back.”

Copyright © 2020 Zuri; All Rights Reserved.

Recommended Comments

Chapter Comments

This is an interesting start! There is so much to learn, and I am willing to be patient. Thanks. 

  • Like 3
Link to comment

@Zuri it is a very good portrait of someone emerging from a coma and your translation into English is as good, if not better than a lot of English speaking writers. Okay, there are a few errors and an occasional translation difference. I say difference because it comes down to a choice of words. The story offers an intriguing start and it was enjoyable to read. I was wondering if you have posted this on any German site, only you are not the only foreign author or the only German to post here. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
8 minutes ago, Talo Segura said:

@Zuri it is a very good portrait of someone emerging from a coma and your translation into English is as good, if not better than a lot of English speaking writers. Okay, there are a few errors and an occasional translation difference. I say difference because it comes down to a choice of words. The story offers an intriguing start and it was enjoyable to read. I was wondering if you have posted this on any German site, only you are not the only foreign author or the only German to post here. 

@Talo Segura Thanks for these warm words. I did my best in describing a situation not every one of us has experienced. Therefor I made this first chapter rather abstract to leave it to the reader's imagination. I have to admit that I had a little help of someone who experienced the moment our protagonist has when he awakes and cannot move, so I added it to the first draft and that made it into the final result you can see here.

I guess, I know, which words you mean by "translation difference". A few months ago, I had a discussion with a beta reader about a couple of words which are sometimes style choices or creative choices if you will.

I did indeed post the story on the German site Boypoint first because I thought, my English was too bad to bother native speakers. But because Boypoint currently experiences a shortage of active users I got little to no feedback and I assume, most authors agree with me that feedback fuels the writing process. That's why I now mess with you folks 😄

  • Like 2
Link to comment

Thank you for sharing your writing with us.  In this first chapter you have managed to convey a very difficult to imagine mental state.  I look forward to what comes next.

  • Like 1
Link to comment

Thanks for all your comments (especially @KellyONE, @JeffreyL and @Merkin who didn't get an individual answer).

On 1/1/2021 at 11:52 PM, KellyONE said:

Waiting for the next chapter.

The next chapter is currently in the moderation queue. So you can read it probably soon. Enjoy!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
View Guidelines

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Our Privacy Policy can be found here. We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue..