System of a Wolf - 8. Chapter 8

He wasn’t alone.

Of course he wasn’t alone. Gara had been keeping Erith company since his first change. But Erith knew now. He knew why he always worried about not having a sex drive, why he never felt the urge to have sex with anyone.

There was another alter in his mind, one he had never noticed. And they were hiding from him. Protecting him from himself.

As the elf drove home, he pondered this new development. He had nearly lost control of himself around Blake. And that scared him. He wasn’t himself. And he wasn’t the one who wanted to have sex with the human. In a way, it was a relief. He wasn’t to blame for the urges he felt. But it was also a major issue. He needed to make sure Blake was safe, and there was no way he could do that if an alter was trying to take control every time he tried to be intimate with the mage.

“Okay, so who are you, and why are you after Blake?” he said out loud.

Not that there was going to be an answer. With Gara, it was easy. Gara was a wolf, he wanted wolf things, and Erith was fine with him being in control when he was on all fours. It was a relief not to deal with the results of his uncle’s abuse. And the results of his own actions, if he was honest with himself. Besides, he knew how to keep Gara in line, just by treating him like he would any other wolf.

But this was different. He was blind here, and it worried Erith. It had taken months for him to even admit to Gara’s existence, and that made things worse. He was not about to do the same thing here.

“Okay. What I know. You come out when I’m… what, horny? Sexually active? I can work with that. You’re subtle. No one has mentioned you to me, so you aren’t taking full control.”

Again, he was just talking to himself. But this was helping Erith work through the moment. There was another mind inside his head, and he needed to figure out what made that person tick so he could keep them all safe.

“So, anything you have to say for yourself?”

Silence. Not even a nudge of recognition. It frustrated Erith. He could be open, he could be inviting even. But no, whoever this was was trying to hide from him. And he began wondering if this was where most of his early teen years were. The elf barely remembered anything about his uncle, other than the fact that he was abused. The only reason he remembered that was because of the fluids that would leak out of him when he became conscious of himself again. For so long, he thought that Gara had taken those memories.

“No, it was you. You’re shielding me,” he said slowly, coming to terms with this new presence. “Okay. I can work with this.”

Maybe he would never know exactly what happened when he was thirteen and fourteen. Maybe this alter would never speak with him. And Erith had to accept that. Things were already difficult trying to communicate with Gara. But they had come to an agreement. Maybe he could do that with this new alter, but if not, so be it.

“Fine. You can keep your secrets, with my thanks. But leave Blake alone. I don’t want to hurt him.”

Finally a nudge. An angry nudge. Erith winced slightly, staring at the road ahead of him. The feeling vanished as quickly as it came, and the elf let out a low chuckle.

“Yeah, interrupting my driving would be a bad idea,” he smirked.

Of course, when he reached his drive, that meant he was fair game, but at least he might learn something about this new part of himself. Except they weren’t new. They had been around for years, diligently protecting Erith from the dangers of sex.

“Blake isn’t dangerous. Are you scared I’m going to remember something? How can I remember if you’re holding all of those memories?”

The car slowed as he pulled into the drive. Erith shut it off quickly, taking a deep breath.

“Okay. It’s just us now… and whoever else is hiding in there. Should I start handing out name tags?” he asked. “Seriously, if anyone else is sharing our head, feel free to step forward.”

Again there was nothing, and the elf let out a long sigh.

“Fine. Keep hiding. I’m just going to get things ready for Gara.”

He stepped out of the car and headed into the house. Grabbing his tablet, Erith began searching for plans for a large pond, trying to figure out just how big he needed to make it. The other stuff would take time to work out, and he knew from experience he couldn’t rush it. He would continue working with his camera, and that might trigger this new alter to do something. If that happened, they might be able to talk, but Erith couldn’t trap them into anything.

Minutes later, the elf was standing at his back door, plotting out the shape of the pond he wanted to build. A jar of strongly scented wolf treats sat in his hand, and Erith stepped outside. Digging a few shallow scrapes with the heel of his shoe, he dropped a treat into each one before covering them up again. His mouth would be filled with dirt the next morning, but with luck, Gara would have neatly marked the entire perimeter of the pool. And the wolf would have a nice snack for his troubles too.

One bite… two bites… three bites… then sit back and chew. Blake’s mouth ballooned around the food, mash pressing into his cheeks as he took his time digesting the potatoes in his mouth. It took a while to swallow, but he felt secure knowing that what was in his mouth was his. It couldn’t be taken away.

Not that Dr. Marin would ever take his food for a perceived wrong. Blake still remembered the days without food, the days where he had made his father angry and lost the privilege of eating. Those days had taught him to eat fast, to stuff his mouth so even if the plate was taken, he could still enjoy what was in his mouth a little longer.

Swallowing bit by bit, Blake paused before the next mouthful.

“I told Erith I want him to claim me,” he mentioned, looking at Dr. Marin.

The older man smiled widely.

“Really? That’s great-”

“He said I need to come up with a list of things I want first,” Blake added.

Dr. Marin seemed to take the interruption in stride. Setting his empty plate aside, the man locked his hands together, peering over them to study Blake.

“And what things would those be?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” Blake admitted. “What am I supposed to come up with? Little things? Sex things?”

“Well, what kind of relationship are you hoping to have with Erith? I’d start with that, and try to think about what you want in the relationship, and what you need. If you want Erith to be a caregiver, why don’t you come up with a list of things that will help him care for you properly?”

Blake shovelled more food into his mouth. He nodded as he chewed, starting to think about what he was supposed to put in a list like that.

“Do you want to have sex with Erith?”

“Yef.”

The answer came in an instant. He saw Dr. Marin flinch as he spoke with a full mouth, and the mage chewed faster, until he could swallow.

“Yes,” he said again. “But Erith doesn’t. I think he’s scared of it.”

“Then you need to respect his wishes,” Dr. Marin said. “Don’t push him into anything he doesn’t want. Just like I’m sure you wouldn’t want him to push you into anything uncomfortable.”

“So… just little things then,” Blake decided.

“Is there nothing you want to add that might be romantic?”

The mage frowned, staring at his food. He couldn’t mix little and romance. That ruined the point of being little.

“But if I add romance, then I can’t be little?”

“Really? Is there no way for you to be little one time, and romantic another time?” Dr. Marin asked.

Blake’s eyes widened and he smacked his head with his palm.

“Fuck!”

“Language,” Dr. Marin chided.

“I can be little sometimes and then be adult other times. And Erith can cuddle me while I’m in either headspace, but he can touch me when I’m being romantic.”

“If he wants to touch you,” Dr. Marin added.

“I think he does,” Blake frowned. “We kissed earlier and he growled at me. Like he wanted to do things.”

“Really? Hmm… That seems out of character for him, doesn’t it?”

Blake shrugged, scooping up more food.

“I think you should talk to him about this more. It’s not just about what you want in the relationship, though that is important. You also need to think about what he wants. And given that he is a system, you need to understand that there are some times when you won’t be dealing with Erith, it will be Gara.”

“I know. I got to play with Gara last night,” Blake smiled. “It was fun. We cuddled, and I fed him, and we got to sleep together.”

“Well I’m glad you had fun, but you need to understand that any relationship you have with Erith will be different than the relationship you have with Gara. You wouldn’t have sex with a wolf, would you?”

Blake shook his head quickly, his mouth full again.

“That’s what Gara is. He is just a wolf, not a werewolf.”

“But you helped Jason and Devyn get together,” Blake frowned.

“Because Devyn is still a werewolf. He is a human wolf. It’s a little messy, but it’s not that different from someone mating with a werewolf. The werewolf knows about consent, they know that they can say no at any time. Gara doesn’t know this, and more than that, he can’t shift, because that would bring Erith into a sexual situation. He is a wolf who cannot consent, even if he understood what was being asked. It is a tenuous line, but it is a line that cannot be crossed.”

“Does that mean that if Erith and I have sex I would be hurting Gara?” Blake whimpered.

“That is not a question I can answer, because I don’t know Gara that well. You might, or you might not. My point is, there are aspects to this relationship that you need to think about. It’s not going to be easy.”

Blake slumped in his chair, staring at his food.

“I don’t know if I can do it.”

“That’s okay Blake. But I think you can do it. I have faith in you. If you love Erith, you can find a way to make it work. It’s just going to be a little more difficult than you were thinking.”

“But I can’t do hard things.”

“You can. You have. Blake, you have grown up so much since I first met you. I am constantly amazed at the efforts you have taken to live a normal life, despite your disability, and your past. I love you Blake, and I will do whatever I can to help you and Erith work together. But I can’t do much. You two need to be the ones to put in the work. Talk to each other, make sure you understand each other. This can work.”

Blake’s plate was finally empty. His head was hurting, his body was sore from tension.

“I… I’m going to take my bath…” he said quietly.

Standing up, the mage carried his plate to the kitchen, feeling the weight of the conversation crashing down on him. How could he be with Erith? How could he try to be what the elf wanted when he couldn’t even be what the pet store wanted? When he had never successfully worked a day in his life?

It left him in a heavy daze, and as Blake sank into his bath, the mage curled up under the water and tried to hug the malaise out of himself.