System of a Wolf - 11. Chapter 11

Paci, blanket, diapers, Blake was bringing the works with him. Erith didn’t mind; the elf knew the man found comfort where he could. He would have joked about trying to bring Val too, but he didn’t want to hurt Blake’s feelings.

“Do you think we should have brought Val?”

Erith snorted, shaking his head as he helped Blake carry a bag inside his house.

“Are you planning on moving in so soon?” he asked wryly.

“I… um… is that… is that a possibility?” Blake questioned quietly.

“Possibility? Sure. Probability? Eh, we have to talk about that,” Erith said.

“It’s because I want to have sex, isn’t it?”

Erith took a deep breath, and let it out slowly.

“Blake, I know we’re… supposed to be mates. I honestly don’t know how that is supposed to work though. I mean, we’re both wolves already. There’s no one to infect, so why is the disease making us feel like this? And not to mention our pasts… I’ve been trying to deal with sex for the last seven years and I just… I don’t think I can.”

He set the bag down, turning to meet Blake’s gaze. The mage seemed rather upset at the thought, though Erith couldn’t tell if it was because of the sex or not.

“I don’t think this is my disease,” the man muttered. “If it was, why didn’t it happen in school? Why wait until now? All I know is I want to stay with you, and cuddle with you, and… and maybe more eventually.”

“We need to talk about this,” Erith sighed quietly, motioning toward the couch.

The two made their way to the seat. Erith sank into the couch, leaning into the side slightly so he could study Blake. The mage sat nearly straight up, his back looking like someone had stuck a rod along it. They stared at each other for a moment, silence enveloping the room.

“Okay…”

The elf took a deep breath.

“Okay, look, I don’t… I don’t know what I’m doing. I like you. I want to be with you, to protect you, to give you what you want. But I don’t know if I can,” he said.

“We don’t have to have sex,” Blake whispered. “I don’t want to make you upset.”

“It’s not just the sex Blake. It’s… a lot of things.”

“Like the diapers…”

Erith nodded.

“Yes, like the diapers. But not in the way you think. Not for that reason. I’m confused, I’m worried, but more than that, I’m scared.”

He took a deep breath, closing his eyes.

“I think I have another alter in my mind. More than just Gara. And they want to do things to you. But I can’t.”

Blake was silent, and Erith could almost see the wheels spinning in his mind.

“So… if you have an alter that wants me… does that mean you don’t want me?”

“No, I want you. I… it’s complicated Blake. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to trigger anything in either of us, and part of me thinks that’s why I have this alter. They keep me from having sex so… so I don’t have to deal with what my uncle did.”

“How do they keep you from having sex?” Blake frowned.

“That’s… um…”

Erith sucked in a deep breath, looking down at his lap. Blake followed his eyes, and the elf heard a quiet, “oh…”

“Have you tried-”

“Everything,” Erith said sharply. “Everything I can think of. Nothing works. I feel it, I’m attracted to things, but nothing helps.”

“-sex with someone else?” Blake continued, and Erith winced.

“No. I can’t do it. I just can’t, okay?”

“You know, when I talked to my therapist years ago, she-”

“Blake, please. I don’t want to solve this. I just… I don’t want to deal with it right now.”

“Okay. Do you want a hug? Hugs always make me feel better.”

Erith nodded, opening his arms, and Blake crawled on top of him, until the two were embracing. The weight was a little uncomfortable at first, but the elf realized he was enjoying it. He just had to get used to it first, find a good way to breath while his lungs were under pressure.

Blake’s head nestled into Erith’s neck, the elf gently stroking his hair.

“I’m sorry for getting upset,” Erith murmured. “It’s frustrating to deal with, and you deserve to know what you’re getting into.”

“I’m pursuing someone I can trust. Someone who isn’t going to hurt me, who was my closest friend. And I don’t care if I can’t have sex. I mean… I want to, but I don’t want to hurt you either, Erith.”

“I’m still your friend Blake,” Erith frowned.

“It’s hard to tell sometimes,” the mage sighed, resting against the elf’s chest. “Not that I don’t think you’re my friend. I just… I don’t really think about it much. And when I do, things get weird.”

“Well, maybe we shouldn’t think about it for the moment. Let’s try this instead. What do I need to do to help you when you’re feeling little?”

Blake shrugged against the elf.

“You did good the other night,” he said. “I liked it. Even if I got pulled out of my headspace.”

“So… just kid food? That’s it, the whole secret?”

“Well… and the diapers, but you said you don’t want to do that.”

Erith sighed quietly, wriggling under Blake to dislodge the weight pinning him down. Blake rolled off of him, sitting up with a frown.

“What’s wrong?”

“Just… things,” Erith said. “You… you watch porn, right?”

Blake nodded his head yes.

“Dr. Marin said as long as I can handle my triggers, porn is a healthy alternative to... doing things,” he replied.

Erith shrugged that off for the moment, standing up from the couch.

“Okay… well, I need to show you something.”

“Test thirty four. Given certain… attractions to a sound, I’m going to attempt some diaper play.”

Blake stared at the screen in disbelief, watching the eighteen year old elf tape a diaper around his waist. He glanced at Erith, the elf sitting beside him with his eyes closed. The mage couldn’t tell for sure, but he thought Erith looked ashamed of what was happening on the screen.

His own eyes looked back at the screen, and Blake frowned at the sight of a slight bulge in the elf’s diaper.

“You got hard,” he said, almost accusingly.

“I don’t remember any of it though,” Erith whispered. “It just… it’s all blocked out. But I can’t take that risk around you. What if I start changing you while you’re in little space and I… I mean, you see it right there, I’m not myself.”

“No,” Blake agreed with a frown. “You’re… confident, eager…”

He watched the computer Erith rub himself slowly, a thin blue stripe appearing on the front of the diaper as it was soaked by the elf.

“This is what the camera is for, isn’t it? You did thirty of these?”

“I told you I tried nearly everything. But I can’t remember any of it unless I watch these,” Erith sighed.

“But you- or your alter- whoever it is, they like this.”

“Too much. I can’t trust myself to change you Blake.”

The mage understood. Or he thought he understood at least. Erith was scared of his own mind.

“Why can’t you just ask them to leave you alone? I mean… you talk with Gara, right?”

Erith snorted quietly, shaking his head.

“Not really. He just does his own thing, and I clean up after his messes.”

Blake frowned, staring at the screen as Erith started humping into his hand.

“Have you seen enough?” Erith asked beside him.

The mage nodded, letting the elf take the laptop.

“I don’t think I like that. But changing a diaper is a lot different,” he pointed out. “If your alter is emerging because of sex, then we just don’t have sex. And that way, you don’t have to worry about whether I’m little or not when you change me. Right?”

“I don’t know if it works that way Blake. I think they want you, and they’re going to do what they can to have you.”

“What if I’m okay with that?” Blake asked.

“You might be, but I’m not okay with my body being used for sex,” the elf said sharply.

“Oh.”

Blake sighed quietly, staring at the computer.

“Okay. Just to clarify. I’m happy with sex, but okay without it. You want nothing to do with sex. But if the situation changes, we’ll let each other know.”

Erith nodded, closing out of his videos.

“And when I’m little, you will do nothing sexual with me.”

“That is a given,” Erith said. “I would never touch you when you’re in that mental state. Which is exactly why I don’t want to mess with your diaper.”

“My diaper is not sexual though. I don’t know why you and Dr. Marin keep thinking it is. It’s literally just me trying to be little,” Blake protested. “I’m not like you, okay? I’m not going to get hard because you changed my diaper. Sure, if you pee on me, I’d take that as an invitation, but that’s not going to happen, right? Because I really don’t want that to happen.”

“That’s not going to happen,” Erith said firmly. “I may be a werewolf, but I’m not a wolf.”

“That’s a human behaviour though, not a wolf thing,” Blake frowned. “Wolves would just nibble each other’s muzzles. At best, a werewolf would mark a mate with urine, but that has nothing to do with being a wolf.”

Erith frowned at Blake and the man shrugged.

“Sorry, I just don’t like people attaching sapient behaviours to wolves. But my diaper is not a sexual thing. It never has been, it never will be. So you don’t have to worry about it. If it’s about me being naked around you-”

“No, Blake, you’re not getting it. It’s not you. I’m worried about myself, okay? You’re a very attractive man, I am attracted to grown men in diapers, and I don’t want to have an alter front and take advantage of you.”

Blake sighed quietly.

“Fine. I’ll stop bringing it up. But can we keep cuddling?”

Arms wrapped around the man tightly, Erith pulling him to his feet.

“For the record, I enjoyed watching that,” Blake murmured, burying his face into the elf’s neck.

“For the record, I wish I could delete it,” Erith muttered. “It feels weird having those around, but I can’t just delete them. It would be like I’m letting them win if I got rid of the evidence. Like I was proving their point.”

Blake just held him tighter, his frown hidden.

“If this doesn’t help you feel better, I have a secret weapon,” the mage said.

“Oh really? And what is that?”

Holding out his hand, Blake pulled his blanket from his bag, strands of magic flattening it on the floor. He carefully pushed Erith to the ground, laying the elf flat on the edge of the blanket. Erith smirked as he was rolled up in the blanket, his body trapped by the heavy fabric.

“Fuck, it’s like one of the best hugs I’ve ever had.”

“That’s the idea,” Blake chuckled. “You’re going to stay like that until you feel better.”

“Oh really? And just how are you going to keep me here?”

Blake smirked and twirled his finger around. The blanket spun with him, and Erith yelped.

“Okay, okay, you win! I’ll just lay here until you let me out!”

“Good boy,” the mage grinned, rubbing Erith’s head. “Now, I want to try something, but I need to know if you’re okay with it first. I want to put a blanket over your head.”

“Why would you do that?” Erith frowned.

“Because then you’ll be a real mummy. It’s fun, like you’re taking a nap. But don’t fall asleep for real though.”

“I’m not too sure about that one…”

Blake sighed, starting to unroll the elf from the blanket.

“Fine. But I promise it feels really good. You should try it one day. Very relaxing.”

“I’ll take your word for it,” Erith said, each word almost jarred from his mouth.

Once he was free, the elf lunged at Blake, tackling him carefully to the ground.

“Of course, now that I’m free, it’s time to give you a taste of your own medicine.”