System of a Wolf - 26. Chapter 26

The sound of the front door opening sent Varen to his feet, the elf fuming silently. Exactly eight o’clock. Blake had to wait until the last second to get home.

He turned and froze at the sight of the mage, at the beaming smile that slowly turned into a frown as Blake saw the elf.

“Erith? What… why are you here?”

“To make sure Adam didn’t kill you,” Varen said.

“How did you know…?”

Varen sighed, sitting back down on the couch as Dr. Marin entered the room. The human smiled at Blake, motioning toward the kitchen.

“There’s some casserole left over if you’re hungry,” he offered.

“Thanks,” Blake smiled uncertainly, passing Varen on his way to the kitchen.

Varen stood up again, following the man. Blake was obviously okay, but that didn’t change anything in the elf’s mind.

“I know you probably don’t understand,” Blake said before Varen could come up with anything that didn’t seem too accusing.

“Enlighten me,” the elf said, crossing his arms.

“If I knew why, I would explain,” the mage shrugged, pulling out his food. “I just… he gives great cuddles.”

“Uh huh. And taking you to the aquarium has nothing to do with you being around him.”

“I told him he doesn’t need to spend money on me,” Blake said defensively.

“We made you a pond, you know. We even got cichlids for you.”

“Erith-”

Blake frowned staring at the elf.

“Varen,” he corrected himself quietly. “You can’t buy me. Neither of you can. And it hurts me to think that’s all I’m good for. You are going to bribe me to stay away from him?”

“No!” Varen protested. “I’m not fucking buying you Blake, I’m trying to keep you safe! Buying you is what he is trying to do!”

“He promised me that we wouldn’t go swimming again, not unless I asked for it. Adam just wants me to enjoy myself. What is wrong with that?”

“You want to know what’s wrong with it? He’s trying to get you on his side. He’s trying to make fucking you okay. He fucking raped you Blake. How are you okay with any of this?”

“And you won’t touch me. You’re so terrified of hurting me that you refuse to even be naked around me,” Blake snapped, glaring at the elf.

“Erith is. Not me,” Varen snarled. “Don’t think I’m not trying. I have spent the entire week trying to fix what you did, what Lynn did. I didn’t want any of this to happen.”

“Then why don’t you just go back to wherever the fuck you came from? Leave Erith alone and let him make his own decisions.”

Varen took a stumbling step backward, staring at Blake.

“After all I’ve done for you… for both of you… and you both fucking hate me. Why? What did I ever do wrong to either of you?”

His anger was draining away, replaced with a crushing sorrow. After a lifetime of handling Erith’s trauma, Lynn’s trauma, Gara’s trauma, and his own trauma, having everyone hate him was too much for the elf. He would not take this anymore.

“Say it again. Tell me you never want to see me again and I’ll see to it you never will.”

He could see the mage gulp. The room was filled with fear and anger, the two staring at each other as they fed off the emotions in the air.

“I…”

Varen heard Dr. Marin approaching, the old wolf scowling at them both.

“Calm down. Both of you. I don’t know what has your tails in a knot but you need to take a step back. Now.”

Varen took a deep breath, waves of frustration and depression rushing through him. He squeezed his eyes shut. He would not let Blake see his pain. He couldn’t let anyone see that.

“I told him I couldn’t stay with him. Because I don’t want to lose my friend. But if you are going to treat me like a kid, then maybe I don’t have a friend,” Blake said quietly.

“Says the person who wants to be diapered,” Varen sneered.

“Erith, that is enough!” Dr. Marin snapped. “I will not have you insulting Blake!”

“Whatever. I hope you enjoy letting him fuck you Puppy. I doubt he’ll ever stop.”

The elf spun on his heel, storming for the door. He let it slam shut behind him, taking a breath of cool evening air. It didn’t help at all.

Fuck it all. Erith didn’t want him. Blake didn’t want him. Even Lynn resented him. He had no one left. Fuck them all. If they hated him so much, then he would just leave.

Varen got into his car, driving out of the pack house. Perhaps it was lucky it was late at night. There were no cars on the road, no one to hit him. He didn’t care anymore.

‘What are you doing?’

He ignored the voices, the sheer panic rising in his mind. The journey to the school didn’t take long, and he pulled haphazardly into the car park, stopping near the track. Outside the car park, Wolfsbane rose over the school, the hill big enough for his purposes. He could feel Erith, Lynn, even Gara trying to pull him back, trying to calm him down, but it wouldn’t work.

Varen was dead. And soon, the body he inhabited would perish as well.

Blake slumped to the floor as the door slammed shut. Silence filled the apartment, his ragged breaths the only sound as Dr. Marin stared at the door.

Finally, the man turned back to Blake.

“Did you have a good time at the aquarium?” he asked, grabbing Blake’s food.

Blake nodded silently as the microwave closed. Its quiet hum ground at his nerves, and the mage began rocking back and forth as he tried to calm down from the confrontation.

“I’m glad.”

He knew what Dr. Marin was doing, trying to get him past the fight, past the anger that still hung in the air. And Blake tried to help, taking deep breaths to calm himself. Every nerve in his body was on end.

“I’m going to get your bottle. Do you want a bath tonight?”

“After I eat. I… swam with a shark today,” Blake shrugged, the feat no longer as big as it had felt before.

“Really? That sounds really exciting.”

For the briefest moment, he imagined Erith was talking to him, letting the mage tell him about his day. And without warning, tears flooded Blake’s eyes.

“I don’t want him to leave. Why couldn’t Varen just stay gone?”

An arm pulled him to his feet. Dr. Marin wrapped him in a half hug, the older man squeezing his shoulders gently. But it didn’t have the same feel to it, the weight the mage needed. His heart felt hollow, as though he was missing something.

“Is Varen one of Erith’s alters?” Dr. Marin asked quietly.

Blake nodded, his body trembling in the man’s arm.

“Blake, you can’t just tell an alter to leave. It doesn’t work like that.”

The microwave beeped, and Blake pulled away, staring at the machine.

“I fucked up, didn’t I?”

“Language,” Dr. Marin chided gently.

“But I did,” Blake said firmly. “I should have stayed with Adam.”

“And why is that?”

“Because then Varen would have never come here and we wouldn’t have fought.”

“Varen was here before you got back,” Dr. Marin reminded him.

“Then I should never have gone to the aquarium.”

“You can’t blame yourself for what others do. If Varen is upset because you’re with Adam, that is his problem. Don’t make it your own. And the same goes for Erith.”

Dr. Marin reached up into a cabinet, pulling Blake’s bottle out. He filled it with cranberry and apple juice, setting it on the table for the mage.

“Now, it’s late, and I have work early in the morning. If I go to bed, can I trust you to watch cartoons and be in bed by midnight?”

“Yes,” Blake nodded, pulling out his dinner.

“Okay. I’ll have a bath waiting for you when you finish dinner. And don’t worry about Varen. If you want to call Erith, I think I still have his number. But you have to accept that you might be talking to Varen when he answers. And you cannot ignore Varen just to talk to Erith, just like you would never ask Erith to play with Gara.”

Blake’s face soured at that comment, and the mage stared down at his food.

“You haven’t been asking Erith to play with Gara, have you?” Dr. Marin frowned.

Blake nodded.

“I thought it was like playing with Devyn,” he pouted.

“No, you’re basically telling Erith that you’d rather play with a wolf than hang out with him. It’s very rude.”

“But he never told me it was. Why wouldn’t he tell me it was mean?”

Dr. Marin shrugged.

“I don’t know. Maybe he didn’t want to seem rude himself,” the man replied. “Either way, it’s something that you should stop doing. Most people can’t control when their alters come out, and by demanding that they become someone else, you’re acting like they’re just some toy for you to play with.”

“He can control Gara,” Blake frowned.

“Can he? Can he switch back to his elf form at will?”

“He… said that if he let Gara out, he would have to be gone until morning,” Blake said quietly. “I was really mean to him, wasn’t I?”

“Yes you were. You should apologise to them both. But now might not be the best time. You should wait for them to calm down first. But tomorrow morning, I want you on the phone.”

“Okay.”

“I’m happy you had fun with Adam though. He seems like he’s really trying to make up for what he’s done.”

“Is… is it okay that I want him to touch me?” Blake blurted.

“If you want him to touch you because you like him, then I would say it’s okay.”

“My therapist always said it wasn’t good to like him. I feel so confused,” Blake said, poking at his food.

Dr. Marin sat across from the mage, studying him for a moment.

“You know, a therapist is there to help you. They can suggest things, they can be an ear for you to vent to. But ultimately it is up to you what you decide to do. If they aren’t helping, you need to let them know. If something isn’t working, then you don’t have to do it.”

“So… I shouldn’t listen?”

“You should listen. They’re trying to help you find what works for you. In this case, you needed to hear that what those men did was not good. But if you’re at a point where you can look at Adam and judge him for yourself, then do that. What works one day doesn’t have to work the next day. But you should have the tools you need to help yourself. If not, then we should get you back into therapy.”

“And what about Erith?”

Dr. Marin sighed quietly.

“Erith needs to find what works for him too. Maybe that’s therapy. Maybe it’s screaming at the top of a mountain. You can’t let him dictate your life. If anyone tells you who you can have as your friend, then they’re not a good friend for you.”

“Like Varen telling me not to see Adam,” Blake scowled. “Adam didn’t want to have sex with me yet. He told me no.”

“You obviously like Adam.”

“But I don’t like Varen. How do I like Erith without liking Varen?”

“That is something I cannot answer. All I can say is if you want to be friends with Erith, you will have to find a way to be civil with Varen.”

Dr. Marin stood up again, scooting his chair under the table.

“Go ahead and eat up. I’ll have your bath waiting when you’re done.”

Blake turned back to his cold casserole, shovelling it into his mouth as he contemplated everything Dr. Marin told him. In the morning. He would talk to Erith in the morning. Or Varen. Whoever was controlling Erith’s body.