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    Mancunian
  • Mancunian
  • Author
  • 08/15/2021
  • 1,970 Words
  • 1,501 Views
  • 19 Comments
Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 
Although condensed this is a true story of events and is autobiographical of a period of my life. Please read with caution as as the content does include death and suicide although not in detail.

A brief period of life - 1. Chapter 1

Although condensed this is a true story of events and is autobiographical of period of my life. Please read with caution as as the content does include death and suicide although not in detail.

My head hurt, not like it would if I'd been hit but It hurt like hell. As for my stomach it felt sore and tied up in knots, like stomach cramps but worse as if something was trying to break out of it. If that was bad it was nothing compared to how my arms and legs felt, god was I trampled by a herd of elephants? I tried to get out of the strange bed only I couldn't, they felt heavy and I couldn't lift them. I could just about move my head to check out where I was. White walls, three other beds each with a whiteboard over them with names written on them and a curtain around each one. This started to look familiar and when I noticed the metal stand with a bag of clear liquid hanging from it I finally realised that I was in hospital again. But this is not where I was meant to be, it was supposed to end different to this. I didn't belong there and had no right to be there.

 

When the nurse came in he spoke to me gentley and told me that it was a close call, the drip was to give me the fluids that my body needed and medication to ease the pain, not that it felt like it was working. Everything had gone wrong, if things had gone the way they were meant to I wouldn't be here and wouldn't be feeling like this or feeling anything at all. The nurse was a good looking guy but why did he have to be so bloody cheerful, especially when he said that the doctor would be in to see me in after I had a bed bath. I didn't want to see the fucking doctor and definitely didn't want to be here, shit I'd failed and now I was suffering for it. The nurse cleaned me up and yes the nurse had a different mess to clean up off my stomach, he laughed as he told me that his husband said he should take this reaction as a compliment when it had happened with other patients.

 

Later the doctor came in, yes it was a shrink, he asked a lot of questions, my name, where I lived and the circumstances that led to me being admitted to the hospital. I didn't want to talk and tried to ignore him but somehow he got me talking. Then I was re-living my life all over again.

 

We talked about my childhood, or more like the lack of it, being ill through most of it didn't give me the chance to have much of one or make friends. No don't go feeling sorry for me or giving me your pity, I definitely don't want it, I didn't miss out any of the material things in life or being surrounded by a loving family I had all of that and a good education.

 

My life started to change when my kidneys were finally failing and I had a transplant. I remember coming round from the anaesthetic and looking into my dad's eyes, the love that was there will always stay with me. My mom was holding my hand and my brother and sisters were stood around my dad's bed. We both had drips on us, mine had medication to help prevent my body rejecting my dad's kidney.

 

We both healed from the operations dad was discharged from hospital first, I went home a couple of weeks later and we both had to take it easy for a while as we recovered. Dad went back to work and I started to go to normal school instead of being home taught by visiting tutors. My brother looked out for me as I settled in and carefully watched to make sure that nobody got rough with me. He is a good brother and my second best friend, second only to my dad. I finished school with good grades in most of my exams, first GCSE's and two years later A levels. I didn't go to college or university, I went to work with my dad and became a pawnbroker.

 

Although sometimes I had a few problems with my health growing up I made one or two good friends and had a couple of relationships that soon fizzled out till I accepted that I was bisexual. Then life began to take on a new meaning. When mum and dad divorced none of us kids took it well until we understood that it was nothing to with us and that mum and dad were still friends, their relationship had come to a natural end and they both had to lead their own lives. When mum died we all took it hard but dad was heartbroken, although they were no longer in love they both still loved each other and were close. Soon after dad started to work less and do more of the voluntary work that he enjoyed.

 

Then my health started to deteriorate again and everyone focused on me, dialysis became a part of my life again. None of us noticed that my dad's health was getting worse, we just accepted the way he was and put it down to his advancing years. How wrong we all were, silently he was suffering and shrugging everything off secretly seeing the doctor and visiting hospital for tests without our knowledge or support. When we found out the cancer was terminal and he hadn't got long left with us.

 

We all found it hard to accept and had to deal with it in our own way, I started to spend more time with my dad and tried to help him as much as I could. We all met Josh, a young man that he met through a befriending/mentoring program that he volunteered with. I could see how close they had become, I have to admit I did feel a few pangs of jealousy at first but I got over it and could see they were good for each other. Dad was a father figure to Josh and Josh gave dad a new purpose in life. Dad asked us to embrace Josh as part of the family, that was easy as he was very likeable and quickly fit in.

 

As had become habit I picked Josh up before going to dad's one day, we were joking with each other when we let ourselves in dad's apartment until we heard him groaning in his bedroom. When we saw him semi conscious on the floor Josh froze as I went to help my dad and dialled 999. Those minutes that it took the ambulance to arrive felt like hours while I tried to help my dad. When the paramedics arrived they tended to my dad while I calmed Josh who, like me, was in tears. It wasn't easy following the ambulance to the hospital, trying to calm Josh, call the family and drive was difficult to say the least.

 

When my brother and sisters arrived the doctor took us to the family room and explained dads condition to us, he was on life support in a coma following a major stroke/ heart attack. Although we knew this would happen one day we were all inconsolable, we never expected it to be that soon. We knew what dad would want so we agreed that if nothing changed in forty eight hours then life support should be removed. Nothing changed.

 

After the funeral I moved into my dads apartment, within days Josh gave up his flat and asked if he could move in with me, I agreed and he took the spare bedroom while I slept on the pull out in the lounge. Soon after I started to go through dads things and try to get everything ready to sort out, it's not an easy task but it had to be done. Strangely it felt comforting and I felt close to dad, having Josh there was both a comfort and a burden if that makes sense.

 

When I started to go back to work some days Josh would have a meal ready for when I got home, other days he would be in his room crying. Then the unthinkable happened, I came home one night to find Josh couldn't take it any more, when I called the ambulance I had flash backs that tore me apart. He didn't make it the paramedics pronounced him dead, he was gone when I found him. I still remember the note he left apologising and telling me how much he loved my dad, I wish I still had it but the police have never released it.

 

My health, both physically and mentally was getting worse. Yes I was getting counselling I had good days and bad days, but I was getting worse I couldn't see it but my brother and sisters could. Now I know that through their grief they were trying to be there for me but I couldn't see it at the time. The increasing frequency and length of dialysis was getting to me as were the feelings of guilt, guilt because I felt I had my dad down and not looked after Josh like I promised and guilt because I felt that my dad would still be here if I hadn't taken one of his kidneys. I was a complete mess.

 

I was then diagnosed as suffering from severe depression and PTSD. Physically I was lucky and received another chance when I had a further transplant, mentally I was on a steep downward spiral and spent a few short spells in the psychiatric wing of the hospital. I tried to come to terms with everything that had happened but I couldn't. I was going to sell my dads apartment and even put it on the market, but when I received a serious offer I couldn't sell and withdrew it.

 

I don't know what the final straw was that broke this donkeys back, but what ever it was it happened and I couldn't stop it. I had never drunk alcohol before but there was still some of dads wine and brandy here and I had tablets, painkillers and anti-depressants. The brandy burnt my mouth and throat I remember spitting that out, the wine was easier on the palate, so the more I drank, I remember taking some tablets but that's it. The next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital, it seems that my brother and sisters had a feeling that they needed to see me and found me unconscious. Well I Hated them I wanted to die and be free of my pain. After I woke up in the hospital they convinced the doctor to have me transferred to a psychiatric clinic where I spent a few months receiving therapy.

 

I don't hate my family, I love them and don't know what I would do without them, they love me unconditionally and I am a very lucky man to have them. Thanks to them I'm in a better place emotionally and mentally than I have been. Sometimes we don't realise how lucky we are and have the people around us that are there, I fall into that category. I'm really sorry for hurting them in ways that I can't begin to explain and hope I can make amends for that.

 

I'm still receiving therapy and have a long way to go before I can say I'm 'cured' of my problems, I may never be 'cured' but I hope to be able to cope better than I have before. One thing I am sure of is that suicide is not the answer.

Thank you to all who have this brief autobiography. I am not asking for any form of sympathy or pity, it is what it is.
I feel that I may have upset or offended a few people here on GA in the past, if i have I am sorry I have never had any intention of upsetting or offending anyone.
I do ask that we all make an effort to keep in touch with family and friends through trying times as we never know how some events of life can affect people, I would never want anyone to experience some of things that I have, we need each other more than we sometimes admit and never judge anyone for you may never know all of their circumstances.
Thank you for reading.
Copyright © 2021 Mancunian; All Rights Reserved.
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Thank you to all who have this brief autobiography. I am not asking for any form of sympathy or pity, it is what it is.
I feel that I may have upset or offended a few people here on GA in the past, if i have I am sorry I have never had any intention of upsetting or offending anyone.
I do ask that we all make an effort to keep in touch with family and friends through trying times as we never know how some events of life can affect people, I would never want anyone to experience some of things that I have, we need each other more than we sometimes admit and never judge anyone for you may never know all of their circumstances.
Thank you for reading.
Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 
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Chapter Comments

  • Popular Comment
Mancunian
  • Popular Comment

Thank you @BoyLove your comments do mean a lot to me. Although I've been through a lot there are others who have had things much worse, What I have written about myself is in part for them and in part for myself. I'm still coming to terms with everything and trying to forgive myself, that's one go the hard parts but I have more support than I realised whereas others don't. I will return to writing to finish the stories that I started but I'm not sure when except to say it will be when I feel that I am ready. 

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sojourn

I can relate. My son and my friend found me and I too awoke in a hospital. I was confined in a mental ward twice, first for my attempt at suicide and second because I felt myself slipping again into wanting to STOP!  aside from smoking cigarettes I have never had any addiction issues. Never experimented with anything stronger that pot.

I have no problem discussing my mental health issues. Currently I have left behind 3 anti-depressants a day and I have left behind counselling with a psychiatrist. She assured me I was ready and I agreed. She also made sure I had her number if needed. I often question my state, "do I need to talk about how I am feeling?" 

Three years on, I am still within MY definition of "normal" fuck christians, fuck conservative politicians, and fuck anyone who says that being alone and sometimes depressed is not normal. I am a good man. I measured myself with scales made by small minded individuals and organizations that forced uniformity and compliance in return for  a false sense of belonging and a promised afterlife. If I am not hurting myself or anyone else I am "normal" and I still view suicide as NEVER an option... I feel I am good to go and just get on with my life.

I am pained each time I read or hear of a suicide victim. I know the reason they take their own lives is to simply STOP.  It is a selfish act, a cowardly act. I do not condone it and would argue against it most heartily. Assisted suicide after proper counseling should be legally sanctioned in all states. But suicide in a physically healthy person should NEVER be the answer one turns to. If anyone contemplates suicide that individual should get counselling immediately. Contemplation and self counselling can lead to never. 

If anyone reading this has questions that may enlighten ask. Been there, done that, and will not go back there again.

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Mancunian

Thank you @sojourn for your valuable comments and openness. We all have our problems and none of us deal with them in the same way as we are all different and as unique as the things that we all have to deal with and face. I am managing much better these days and although I still have my 'down periods' but, like you, I'll never go down that road again. I have a good life and a lot of support, thankfully my life has been getting back to 'normal'. I haven't returned to work but that is by choice as I have no need to work. I have started to re-establish links to support more worthwhile activities by assisting with administration and other 'behind the scenes' duties. I now have a clear goal to work towards and I am determined to achieve my goal. 

I wish peace, happiness and good health to all, and will always give what support I can to others.

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Zuri

@Mancunian Wow, I admire your openness with which you share that with us! That really sounds tough.

Quote

I may never be 'cured' but I hope to be able to cope better than I have before.

I have the same opinion: Once you have a mental illness, you're stuck with it. That sounds unsatisfying, but, as you say, one can learn to cope with it. Therapy made me able to reflect on myself way better and taught me ways to handle certain situations better. I won't go that far to claim that the mental illness made me a better version of myself, but therapy can.

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Mancunian

@ZuriTherapy is the crutch that some of us can rely on to help us be better people but it always an uphill battle. I have been fortunate in many ways in my life and to some degree privileged. As I have said to others in the past I have been brought up to realise that with privilege comes responsibility, as such I give a part of my time to live up to that responsibility in areas that mean something to my family and meant a lot to my father. If I could be half the man my father was I would be a better man than I am, he was my best friend and my hero and I am not ashamed to say it, honestly I am proud to say that and it helps me every day.

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Zuri

Zuri 2,992

Posted (edited)

@Mancunian Yeah, privilige is a topic that could fill whole books when talking about it. Almost all of us are priviliged in some way or the other. Unfortunately, some people refuse to realize and accept that even though they are marginalized in one respect, they are privileged in another. That also emphasises the fact that the queer community itself is not as united as it could be. Just because somebody is gay (marginalized), it doesn't mean that he couldn't be transphobic (cis = privileged) for example. I like your opinion that privilege means responsibility 👍🏻

Edited by Zuri
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Mancunian
1 hour ago, raven1 said:

There was a lot of sadness you had to deal with, but I am happy you are still with us.  I admire the courage it took to write this piece.  I gives me a better understanding of you, and demonstrates your ability to take experiences from your real life to inspire the wonderful stories you have written.  Thank you.

Terry

Thank you Terry, your comments mean a lot to me.

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FanLit

I’m sorry that you experienced so much loss in such a short amount of time between your father and Josh.  
Guilt is a very cruel mistress, she distorts everything that you see & feel, grief was a cagey partner.

Your loving family is a gift I can see you treasure….coming through my own time of grief and loss reminded me of the importance of family as well; if you’re lucky, family is the people you are born to, mine is a family of the heart.

Your commentary on stories are always enjoyable and often moving.  I’m glad you are still here….thank you for sharing.  🎁

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Mancunian
43 minutes ago, FanLit said:

I’m sorry that you experienced so much loss in such a short amount of time between your father and Josh.  
Guilt is a very cruel mistress, she distorts everything that you see & feel, grief was a cagey partner.

Your loving family is a gift I can see you treasure….coming through my own time of grief and loss reminded me of the importance of family as well; if you’re lucky, family is the people you are born to, mine is a family of the heart.

Your commentary on stories are always enjoyable and often moving.  I’m glad you are still here….thank you for sharing.  🎁

Thank you for commenting, my reason for writing this was to explain why I had been away from GA for a while. Yes, I went through a lot and it hurt, but it hurt more mentally and emotionally than it did physically. I'd like to say that I'm over it all now, but the truth is I'm not, no one ever can be. But I am in a much better place now in my head, if that makes sense. I can live with it without it stopping me from living and enjoying life and what it has to offer. Mt family are important to me, we do have our fall-outs, but then what family doesn't? The best part for me is that I can do things that I enjoy and mean something to me. I am self-employed and only work part-time most of the time. It gives me time to do unpaid work that benefits others who are less fortunate than I am. I am financially stable, but they are not. I have a comfortable home, but they do not. A lot of what I do is administration for the small organisation that helps these people, occasionally I work face-to-face with them. But they give me far more in return, they give me a feeling that I cannot explain but it makes me feel as though I am doing something good and useful. I feel for them when I hear their stories of adversity and the hardships they face and I laugh with them when they show their humour despite everything. I feel proud of them and happy for them when their efforts work out and they find homes and jobs and when they overcome addictions or other obstacles that have been holding them back. I have met so many good people that I feel privileged to know them, some of them come back as volunteers and help out. They are the inspiration behind many of the stories that I write and I will always be indebted to them.

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Lee Wilson
On 6/12/2022 at 12:27 AM, Mancunian said:

ZuriTherapy is the crutch that some of us can rely on to help us be better people

Therapy is also a doorway which opens to a better, more balanced life.

I never went quite as far as taking pills or anything, but I had my own brush with thoughts of suicide. I’m happy neither of us succeeded. I’m happy to have gotten to know you even a little bit.

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Mancunian
22 minutes ago, Lee Wilson said:

Therapy is also a doorway which opens to a better, more balanced life.

I never went quite as far as taking pills or anything, but I had my own brush with thoughts of suicide. I’m happy neither of us succeeded. I’m happy to have gotten to know you even a little bit.

Luckily I survived that low period in my life and I feel that I'm stronger for it. I enjoy posting stories on GA which is something I never thought I would do, I enjoy getting to know others on the site and have made some friends as a result and hope I will continue to make more friends.

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Mancunian
On 6/3/2024 at 6:08 AM, ReaderPaul said:

Wow, @Mancunian -- I had not known some of what you have been through.  I hope you are doing better now, physically and mentally.

Paul

Thank you, Paul, your comment means a lot to me. My recent break has been because I needed it mentally and emotionally, physically I'm as well as can be expected, treatment never comes to an end. But I'm back again and hopefully, I'll be back to writing again soon.

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