New Experiences - 3. The Eye

The Eye

I have an eye in my side.

It lets me see the future.

I try not to use it too much.

I’ve found that if I spend all my time in the future

I lose perspective on the present.

The only time I allow myself

Or maybe the only time I’m weak enough

Is on first dates.

The temptation is too strong

But I have one rule - only a year.

I allow myself to look one year into the future

Any time I see someone new.

I follow the path laid out,

The potential they represent,

And then, inevitably, I end it there and then

There was this one guy, Andrew

He was an artist.

When I looked I saw us falling deeply in love

Almost immediately. We fit together perfectly

I’ve never known someone more like me.

Then, about eight months in

He was given an opportunity of a lifetime

A summer at an artists colony in the Netherlands

We talked about it.

I was sad that we would be apart but supportive (of course)

So he left. He was so happy

Out there surrounded by people like him

I was happy for him too, but very lonely

So I slept with a stranger one late night

When I told him it ruined him.

He left the residency to come talk it out with me

In the end we made it work

But he wasn’t allowed to go back

And it wasn’t long until the resentment set in

It was my fault, my fuckup ruined his dream

So, after our date, I never called Andrew again.

Better to spare us both the pain.

Then there was Dante.

A tax clerk. A little boring but very sweet.

Off and on for a couple months, then we fall out of touch

No use wasting the time.

Liam was a window washer.

The sex was amazing

But he was so… unambitious.

We would never work out long term.

I dread the idea of wasting time

I know exactly how long I have

(wouldn’t you look too if you had the chance?)

And I don’t want to spend a single minute

On something that isn’t worth it

Today the name is Cooper.

He’s nice, a little geeky for my tastes

But he has a great smile.

When I arrive he’s already there

A little booth in the corner.

I sit across from him.

He doesn’t even say hello

Jumps into a continuation of our text conversation

Like we’ve known each other for years

It’s jarring at first

But then we fall into it -

We argue about the artistic value of the MCU

We talk about our favorite songs

He likes old punk and new EDM

I like pop and broadway showtunes

(we both agree Taylor Swift is a delight)

Before we know it it’s almost midnight

The restaurant tells us they need to close

So he says “do you want to go home or…”

And to the bar we went

Dancing feels like falling in love

The club is crowded (it’s friday night after all)

bodies pressed together on the dance floor

Still, he’s closer to me than he needs to be

I can feel everything he wants me to feel and more

Sweat drips off of me or maybe him

We’re too close to tell

And it stings my eye

I feel tears well up,

But I’m too busy kissing him to care

We wake up in his bedroom

The walls are pasted in posters

Anime characters and punk icons

Sheet music and paintings of alien landscapes

It’s a lot for the eye to take in

The eye!

This is the longest I’ve gone

without checking (maybe ever?)

I’m about to look when I see Connor

Asleep next to me in his bed

His face is…

Something I can’t put my finger on

But it’s really captivating

When he sleeps

I find myself wanting to kiss him without knowing why.

Maybe…

maybe I hold off just this once.

See how things go?

Just for a few more dates.

No.

If it’s not going to go

anywhere (useful)

I want to know now.

So I close my eyes

And open my eye

We don’t talk for a month after that first time

I’m avoiding him for some reason

(I can only see with my eye,

even I don’t know what I’m thinking)

Eventually one night I call him

He answers on the second ring

I’ve hurt him, I can see that

But he agrees to meet

We talk it out, I can’t tell what we say

I’ve never been very good at reading lips

But whatever I say it works

We see each other again

And again after that

Eventually I move into his place

It’s fast, faster than usual for me

But I can see how much I love him,

So it makes sense.

I’m waiting, I realize,

for the other shoe to drop

But we are just… happy

We argue sometimes

but always talk it out in the end

He’s sweet and attentive

We find a middle ground between our interests

I even see myself become a better person in his arms

Then the year ends and I’m back in his bed

Confused

I’ve never seen it happen like that

A frictionless year?

I’m tempted to look further

So I do, just a peek

Years wash over me like waves

I see love like I’ve never known

Years and years of it

Finally I catch the barest glimpse

I’m in a suit

Nervously snapping

a simple white box

open and closed

over and over

In that box I see a glint of metal

Something simple and dark

Damascus steel

It feels like him

sturdy.

And then I close the eye

Back in bed.

Still looking at his perfect face

The world tilts

And I leave without a word.

As I’m riding the train home

I open my phone

Scroll the pages, open Tinder

New match.

I wonder how my year with him will go.