Stronger Than Lions - 21. The Gospel According To Chris, Part 2

8 February

So I looked at some gay porn. Always kinda wanted to and it wasn’t so bad. Some of the dudes are really into it and look like they’re having fun.

Horny is just horny, right?

Not sure why I had to quickly load some straight porn afterwards to see if it still got my rocks off. Know a mate from Durban who told me he was so sure he was straight he’d regularly watch dudes get it on to convince himself he didn’t like dick.

Yeah right, yeeeeah right. Especially since he gave recommendations. (Which I followed since I didn’t quite know where to look and I was too scared to type “gay porn” into Google.) Man, they really do look like they’re having fun in these Amateur College bros vids. So casual. Many women in the porn I’ve watched don’t look like they’re actually enjoying it. But I get really, really fucking horny when they're looking each other in the eyes and kiss while they're going at it. Even better if they're being all sweet and kind after the fact. High-fiving each other about a load well spent and joking about in the shower but, like, just... connecting. Urgh... if I was going to fuck a guy I'd want to treat him right afterwards, you know? I'd want to be treated right.

I am now an expert at clearing browser history.

In less dramatic news I have become really good friends with Caleb. We just click.

Actually it’s more than that. I have to reel myself in cause I feel really protective towards him. Maybe it’s cause I’m the youngest kid in my family and never really had the opportunity to like, I dunno, be the caring one?

There was a Form 2 guy hung up on me when I was in Form 3. I think he had a total crush but he was 14 and I was 16. Is it because Cal reminds me of him… not sure if Cal would crush on me (fuck I’m being vain again) but now that I’ve vomited that out the idea of him having a crush on me doesn’t feel, like, theoretically, wrong… we’re the same age, or… what if it was reversed?

Well. Stick all that aside, man. This is a solid friend.

I wanna fuck up those assholes who are mean to him. First person whom I feel doesn’t judge me, we can talk about all sorts of shit, he has cool friends who seem to like me too… is this what it’s like, when people like you for just being… a person?

I felt like a goddamn racehorse back in Durban. Still pissed off with Dad.

Maybe this move is a good thing.

14 February

Dear Fuckin’ Diary

It’s time to let the fuckin’ cat out of the fuckin’ bag, and it occurs to me it’s like that Schrödinger cat (I just learned how to type an umlaut over an o, I am ömnipötent) Cal has told me about during the one time he was tutoring me…

that you don’t know whether it’s one thing or another until you look.

This is not about a dead or an alive cat in a box but about a straight or gay cat in a… closet?!

It’s time to look at the cat and yep it’s a gay cat and it appears I’m fuckin’ hung up over a guy.

Caleb.

WHY oh WHY.

Caleb fuckin’ blue eyed grumpy haired sweet faced surprisingly broad-shouldered MacLeod.

It’s not that I’m freaked out that uh, apparently, I like dick. It’s because if feelings ruined our friendship I would never forgive myself. am not fucking up this one good thing that has happened since my life pretty much exploded.

Cal talks a lot about all sorts of shit and he has taught me about the concept of hubris, when you’re too full of yourself and take a fall. I don’t think it applies to my reaction when my dad left and just up and ignored me.

No, I nearly took a fall that night in Nottingham Road when I was bartending for a spell just after I moved up to the farm.

Hot cougar was flirting with me and I was flirting back (I do this a lot I know, it gives me great tips, even though I don’t need them). Then I notice the guy next to her watching all this and totally enjoys himself.

It’s her fuckin’ husband.

I’m like whatever floats your boat bru but back down just in case. Then he actually comes up to me later… businessman corporate type, clearly successful… and says would I like to fuck his wife while he watches? It’s a whole goddamn turn on for them and they like young guys with a lot of passion.

Yeah my ego exploded but I have also never blushed so hard and said “Sir I am eighteen and thanks but no thanks” and he replies “well if you came home with us I’d be calling you sir.” Wut. Well, I took the compliment but did not take the bait. It might have been my, I dunno, hubris. Not hating on the couple tho.

I am, evidently, what people call *vanilla*. I’m not a complex guy, I’m probably cheap vanilla essence. If Cal is vanilla, he’s the expensive shit from Madagascar made from the orchids. I have also apparently just written in stream of consciousness style because Cal gave me a copy of Virginia Woolf’s essays (apparently it’s not just Bella who is into her) and told me to read The Death of The Moth and I didn’t know some British lady from the 1930s could make me feel so alive and in love with language.

I thought the height of my intelligence could reach a Pablo Neruda sonnet.

And now I read the whole book of essays and kinda understood them.

I am, evidently, not just made for playing with a ball.

And it’s all Cal’s fault.

I… think of him… all the time.

Christ I’m writing this on Valentine’s Day. Whoever is writing me, you’re being a little obvious, bru, calm the fuck down.

2 March

I’m playing rugby again. I’m enjoying it. Seconds team, pressure is off, it feels like I’m 12 again just running around. I seem to be good without realising it. I’m enjoying Project Beef Up Cal. I love when nerds realise gym isn’t actually something to be scared of. The look on his face when he bench pressed nearly 40 kg for the first time: Shocked, proud. Hell I was proud hahahaha. He's also told me he's been eating properly and regularly for the first time in ages because the exercise is making him hungry!

At which point I was like whoah. How many meals had he skipped, how many times had he like forgotten to tie a shoelace, or maybe just not cared, because you know, his mom was dying of fuckin' cancer.

Is it stalkerish of me that I like watching the way he is getting ripped?

Yeah I’ve owned up to the crush. It’s gonna just have to be between me and my right hand lol.

Fantasies are fantasies, right. Tho.....

I can drain my dick but it seems I can’t drain my brain. The feelings part. I don’t want to not have him in my heart even though it hurts.

Help.

7 March

Diagnosis: Chris is in love. Condition serious but stable.

18 March

Holy hell. I’ve been invited on a weekend with him. I said yes.

And now… I will be ALONE with him for two nights. On a mountain. In a cottage. He ASKED me…. Does it mean he… really likes being around me? His dad fuckin’ trusts me! Is the universe trying to torture me? Is this the plot thickening in a story? What have they used, fuckin' cornstarch?

Or… is this a way in?

I hoped for a situation where I could tell him how I feel. AND NOW I HAVE BEEN GIVEN ONE. Obviously I’m not going to cause Christopher Hathaway is comfortable enough being asked by husbands to fuck their wives (I SAID NO FOR THE RECORD) but is too chicken shit scared to be the jock who admits to this adorable nerdy sweet guy that he utterly adores him.

I mean I sat in the steam room after a heavy upper body sesh at gym the other day, I had it all to myself and I’m thinking about his mom dying and there I am fuckin’ bawling my eyes out because it is so unfair.

I have a dad who hates me I’m sure, but who is living it up like he's the teenager.

Cal’s mom was a solid decent woman who was taken from a son... and daughter... and husband... who are... devastated. And this devastated boy… man… guy… is only good and sweet and funny to me.

He would hate that I feel his pain but I fuckin’ do and I would not have it any other way.

His mother’s name was Susanna. It is a beautiful name. I somehow get the idea she would not care if I told her that I, uh, am in love with her son, at least, she would also not care that I have a dick between my legs. She’d only want to make sure that I don’t act like a dick.

Mrs Susanna MacLeod, wherever you are, I promise to never be a dick to your son. I would, if I could, hold him close, and tell him everything is going to be all right. You are gone. Might I... Might I look out for him for you, even if I couldn't ever hold him close to me and kiss him gently on his forehead?

Christ on a bicycle It’s crap being a 18 year old philosopher talking to a ghost.

23 March

HE SHOWED ME THE STARS

WE KISSED

ON A MOUNTAIN BY A LAKE UNDER A TREE

HE FEELS THE SAME WAY ABOUT ME

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

I WANT TO WRITE IT IN SIZE TEN MILLION FONT TIMES NEW ROMAN ON THE MOON

ALL CAPS IS THE ONLY APPROPRIATE REACTION

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

30 March

I am his. He is mine. Seven of Mine.

We are dating. We are going to go on dates. We have also touched each other’s dicks and made each other cum and liked it and it was a big deal but also not a big deal. I have now held a naked man...my man…in my arms and it feels just as good as a naked woman in my arms. It feels better because oh god I love him.

And I love that we are taking it slow. Sure, it makes me think are we just friends who cuddle and jerk each other off but maybe it's good and sweet to make it up as you go along.

I just hate that we don't feel safe to let society know. The world is fuckin' cruel. We are lucky to have Rob and Bella.

I’m going to stop writing before it is midnight and the stagecoach of my brain turns into a fuckin’ pumpkin (would Virginia approve of that metaphor or shake her head because I am not yet twenty?)