Ralph: Breaking free - 1. A ghost & a party

"Daddy, Daddy, it's this way."

"Eloise's house is over there."

Two eager voices, two hands tugging at him, brought Ralph back from his reverie. He'd seen a ghost from his past, just when he hadn't expected it, but then did you ever imagine you’d see ghosts. But there wasn't time for that now. The twins were right; their friend Eloise live just across from the Cathedral and that was where they were going. It was Saturday, so the twins were staying with him, but they were dressed according to his ex-wife, Therese's rules. There would be photographs taken at the birthday party, Therese would see them and there'd be hell to pay if he hadn't made sure that their twin daughters, Jane and Alisa, were dressed suitably. And as far as Therese was concerned, that meant the girls were in matching knee-length cotton, Victorian-style blue dresses, with pretty little socks and shoes to match. And bows, around the waist and in the girls' long blond hair, different colours for each girl. Ralph hated how they looked, but he’d long realised that co-parenting whilst remaining on good terms with his ex-wife meant compromise. The girls weren't too keen on their party dresses either, they'd be spending the rest of the weekend staying with him and no doubt would insist on living in t-shirts and dungarees.

Eloise's house wasn't that grand, a neat detached Victorian villa, but its position close to the Cathedral meant that it was very desirable. So, as far as Therese was concerned, Eloise was a very desirable friend for Jane and Alisa to have. Luckily the girls agreed with their Mother on this one. He squatted down, checked that both girls were happy, then he passed over the presents for Eloise, and gave each girl a quick kiss.

The house was decorated outside, Ralph suspected that Frozen was the theme, but he hoped that the film wasn't on the menu for the girls' entertainment, neither of the twins were mad keen on it. Evidently, the film's heroine was 'really lame' and heroines should be more 'kick ass' like Mulan. This comment had caused Ralph a moment's consternation, struggling with the need to laugh but also to stay serious and tell the girls off for using the phrase. If Therese heard them repeating that sort of language, he was sure to get blamed.

With a final injunction for them to remember to be nice, that this was Eloise's party, Ralph handed Jane and Alisa over to Eloise's mother, Janine. Janine had been one of Therese's friends, and as far as Ralph knew the friendship continued, so he wasn't keen to have to deliver himself to be dissected. Janine’s manner was crisp and brisk, he wasn’t invited to linger, which suited Ralph. He was given a time to collect the twins and informed that the entertainment would include a magician, which would please the girls.

It was Saturday afternoon in Parborough, the Cathedral Green was busy with shoppers and tourists, but the Cathedral itself was quiet. Ralph wasn't a particularly religious man, but he often came here for the sense of quiet. Sitting here, he could focus and think, take his mind away from everything.

He'd parked the car in the car park on the far side of the Cathedral Green, it was by far the cheapest option for a Saturday afternoon and the girls would not have to walk to far in their best shoes. And besides, the three enjoyed their walks. But as they had walked across the green, Ralph had seen Gordon, sitting at a table outside a coffee shop. Ralph had been shocked to see the man, had panicked and seized up until reminded of his duty by his daughters.

He hadn't seen Gordon since they'd been at school together; he'd last knowingly seen the boy when he was what, 17, and Gordon was 16, yet Ralph felt certain that was who he saw today. Perhaps it was because he'd had the dream again, so Gordon was fresh in his mind. Part of him thought he was being ridiculous, he was 33 for God's sake, a grown man with his own successes, his family and a complex history. What happened when he was 17 shouldn't matter. Yet he knew, that if he admitted it did matter then everything that he'd built up would collapse, his entire life. And Ralph wouldn't or couldn't let that happen.

Ralph found himself a quiet seat in a side chapel, the silence and the cool temperature were relaxing in themselves, there was a feeling that time ran differently here. He managed to park worries about the twins and this weekend, work and even Therese.

He'd been having the dream a lot lately, and he didn't really know what had triggered it. Each time, the dream was the usual variants on an anxiety dream, getting caught in an embarrassing situation, but each time the dream involved him with his pants down, literally, with Gordon. It was based on what happened back then. He and Gordon had had an affair lasting, what, six months. They’d been caught once, in flagrante, by Gordon's parents but their reaction had been the opposite of what was expected, and he'd been welcomed. The real-life embarrassment and mortification had come when his and Gordon's relationship had come to the school's notice. Words had been said. Ralph had played it down to his parents, but Gordon's parents had come into the school steaming with anger, firing on both barrels. How dare the school treat their son like that.

It didn't help that Gordon's parents were colourful artists, nothing like the other parents at the rather old-fashioned school. At 17, Ralph had been mortified, his and Gordon's fledgling relationship became the centre of attention; he had gone right back into the closet. Gordon’s parents’ anger at the school’s intolerance of the boys’ relationship meant that the Gordon had left the school, never to return; his parents moved him to another one and the two boys had never met again.

Gordon had been Ralph's first serious crush, first love, and first boy. Gordon was a year below Ralph at school and had always been somewhat different. His colourful parents never quite conformed, and certainly did not take part in the rather religious-inspired moral atmosphere at the school where remaining pure, and saving oneself for marriage were important, and what little information there was on sexual relationships emphasised continence. Ralph had found Gordon fascinating, but never had the courage to approach, till the boy started appearing completely shaved down there. It was a daring thing to do, and caused comment, but Gordon simply shrugged it off. Ralph had approached him, and though that first approach had been somewhat tentative, the ensuing few months had been some of the most wonderful in Ralph's life, till they were warned off by the school. And the day after the warning, just as the school was leaving, Gordon's parents arrived and there was a very public argument with the headmaster.

Why did all this bother him now? Because he was aware that his teenage self treated Gordon badly. After the events at school, he had ignored the boy and made no effort to get in contact, pretending the relationship was less than it was, getting a girlfriend pretty quickly and locking the closet door so firmly it was if it had never been opened. Ralph was self-aware enough to know there was something else as well, something that if he acknowledged it would bring down his carefully constructed life. That Ralph wished his younger self had had the courage to continue exploring that side of himself, to accept that he liked boys. But that had been locked away and needed to stay there.

He got up, shook his head determinedly and after checking his watch, headed for the Cathedral's cafe just off the cloisters. A busy hub, for all the Cathedral's air of quiet, the coffee was decent and the cakes often home-made. He treated himself to one and set to, doing some research on his phone about a new client. Soon he was absorbed in learning about the client's business and making mental notes about the faults and poor quality of the company's website. He'd soon be able to put together a report for the client presenting his company’s ideas for a total website revamp.

He got so absorbed, he almost forgot the time, but luckily his phone pinged to remind him, and he set off, hot foot, across the Cathedral Green to the party. Outside Eloise's house, a group of women, with girls the twins' age in tow, were stood chatting on the drive, he nodded and said a general hello. The door opened before he could ring the bell, and the twins almost cannoned out. That good, eh?

He grabbed each by the hand, but refrained from saying much until they were well away, crossing the Cathedral Green.

"So, how was the party?"

"The magician was lame; you could see what he was doing."

"Eloise's Mum didn't take pictures until the end."

The magician had been much trailed by Eloise, and both the twins had been looking forward to the act. As regards the photos, leaving till the end of the party meant that Jane and Alisa had to keep their outfits tidy. The photos would be shared with their Mother, so they knew the drill. Ladylike tidiness was essential, so there had been no opportunity for vigorous fun. The twins next request, made jointly, was to be expected.

"Can we go to the park, it's not late?" Two hopeful faces.

Ralph smiled, "OK, but just to the small one across the road, and you'll have to change and put your party frocks away first." Both nodded dutifully.

The only way Ralph had been able to afford a half-decent flat whilst paying Therese the horrendous monthly amount she expected to keep the twins and to contribute to the mortgage on the house was to buy a live-work unit so that the firm occupied the ground floor and Ralph was able to claim a substantial amount of the mortgage back, as well as having the firm contribute significantly to expenses. The live part of the live/work unit was on the two upper floors and was quite acceptable for him alone with just about enough space for the girls' visits. But there was no garden, and despite Therese's best efforts to bring up her daughters as perfect little ladies, Jane and Alisa were highly active young women who liked nothing better than time in the open air.

"Was the food OK, will you need a proper supper?"

"It was OK."

"The sausage rolls all had meat in", said in disgusted tones.

"So, what did you eat?"

Both girls turned up their noses, "Cheese sandwiches, potato salad, coleslaw."

"But the others had warm sausage rolls and frankfurters. With meat."

"What about Parvati?"

"She had the same as us, but she said that her Mother had fed her earlier, just in case." Alisa gave him a conspiratorial grin.

Much to Therese's horror, both girls had decided they didn't want to eat meat and much as Therese would like to have blamed Ralph, she couldn't. He was just as much a meat eater as she was. It had all happened because Therese's parents had bought the girls a rabbit, Bunny, and then whilst the pet rabbit was still a novelty, fresh in their minds, a meal out had included rabbit on the menu. The confluence had been horrific, the sheer idea of eating Bunny or any of Bunny's cousins became anathema to the girls. Bunny was a rather lazy, unappealing thing, in Ralph's eyes, but the girls loved him. It perhaps influenced them too, that their friend Parvati was a vegetarian, though that was for religious/cultural reasons. But it reinforced their ideas. When they visited Parvati, her Mother produced a wonderful array of tasty Indian snacks, all meatless. Why couldn't Eloise's Mum do that?

"Well, tomorrow, we can go to the big park and have a picnic. We can call at M&S, and you can choose."

That got a big hurray from the girls, and they chatted happily about the party till they got home. Home was now just a compact modern terraced house, the developers had tried to bring a bit of style to the buildings but what attracted Ralph was it was affordable, and compact, whilst being close enough to the town centre.

Upstairs, the décor was basic, he’d not done anything special and if you based your ideas of his tastes on the look of the first-floor kitchen/living room then you’d have been wrong. Furniture from IKEA, plus a couple of pieces that Therese hadn't wanted, photographs of the girls and one of the four of them (because the girls had insisted), a decent sized TV and, Ralph’s only real indulgence, a good sound system. He was always meaning to do more, but then more important things came up, the girls needed something, or something practical needed doing on the house.

The girls had settled in, and the whole house had acquired a layer of their things, books and videos on the shelves, dolls and toys scattered in the living area. These got tidied up during the week and then gradually spread out over the weekend. In fact, the girls were not great doll lovers, but had a few and there were plenty of other objects, horses and ponies were big, which they used to evoke their favourite stories.

Once home, they dashed off to their room. The house only had two bedrooms, so they had the bigger one which meant there was space for two single beds and two competing ideas for décor, along with two wardrobes. Having twins meant two of everything. Whilst the girls were devoted, spending a lot of time in what Ralph thought of as their twin bubble, they were also distinct personalities and insisted on differentiation. As soon as they became articulate, they had made it clear to Therese that being dressed identically was not on. Similar yes, but not the same.

Once in their room, there was the usual mad scramble to get out of the party clothes and into their dungarees. But the girls had something of their Mother's organising spirit, within 30 mins they were changed, their party dresses were hung on the hangars (with Father’s help), other clothes tidied away, and they walked to the end of the road where the estate had a small children's play area. The two girls launched themselves on the climbing frames for a mad half hour.

---

He was attracted women, the idea of sex with a good-looking woman did excite him. But thinking about it, in bed that evening, he had to admit that he had no idea when he and Therese last had sex. Their sex life, post-twins, had gradually declined to nothing. He’d never looked elsewhere and, as far as he knew, Therese hadn’t either. This meant that his lasting impressions of sex with her were of hurried moments, the need to be quiet, and the balance between sexual need and tiredness. But he couldn’t call to mind a particular moment, a particular feeling.

Yet, sex with Gordon remained fresh in his mind. The first time Gordon, the more experienced one despite him being younger, had taken Ralph’s dick into his mouth, then there was the sensation Ralph had felt as he tasted Gordon’s dick and felt the smoothness of the boy’s shaved skin.

Was it because they were his first memories of any sort of sex? Or was it because his first experiences of sex with a girl had been so forgettable? Or was it because of the truth that he couldn’t, wouldn’t and shouldn’t admit.

Locking that thought firmly away, Ralph tried to get to sleep.