Ralph: Breaking free - 6. Advice and coffee

"Shit. He can't be serious."

Beth looked up, "A problem?"

Ralph rolled his eyes, "Morrie from Iverson's has just sent me a batch of images for the website."

Beth looked puzzled, "And?"

Ralph pulled a face, "You'd better come and look, though I warn you, you can't unsee them."

Beth simply laughed, got up and came round to Ralph's desk. She leaned over him looking at the image, then with a 'may I', took control, zooming into the image and looking at the others.

She smiled, "He's a brave man, and if he's planning on using images like this, then we'll have to change our strategy slightly."

The images were of Morrie, in a thong. Looking well, dazzling in a way, if you liked bigger men. Various ideas had flitted through Ralph's mind when he saw the first image. The first was that Morrie was too bear-like for Ralph's taste, too big, too hairy; the second was to pull himself up and admit he did have a taste in men; the third was to try to imagine Nolan...

Fuck.

"Once I've sorted these out, do you fancy taking our lunch outside."

Beth's brows wrinkled, "Just you and me?"

Ivor had retreated to the kitchen so he could take a rather noisy telephone call.

"There's a non-work thing I wanted to ask you about. Relationship stuff, I need to talk to someone who knows what it's like coming out and that."

She looked at him with surprise but nodded. Half an hour later they made their way to the park he often had recourse to with the twins.

"Look. If this gets uncomfortable just say, but...."

"It's fine. I hardly imagine that you want coaching from me on suitable sex techniques, and I think the rest comes under what friends are for."

"Thanks. When I was 17, I was at a school that was mildly religious."

"Because your parents were?"

"Yes. Not over the top. Good middle-class Anglicans."

"But still religious?"

Ralph nodded, "There was a boy in the year below. I noticed him. We overlapped in the changing rooms. I liked what I saw. Somehow I found the courage to say something."

"Wow."

"He was different. His parents were artists, nothing like anyone else's parents. He never quite conformed."

"Religion?"

"No. Not sure why he was at the school. We spent six months together."

"You mean…"

"Going all the way to heaven. Till the school found out."

"And?"

"Warned off. Not according to the school's ethos. The other boy’s parents were furious."

"The artists?"

"Yes. Came over all hippy, very 'fuck the patriarchy'; they steamed in, had a barney with the head, took Gordon, the boy, out of school."

"And you?"

"Was mortified. I played it down to Mum and Dad, said we'd just flirted and kissed, an experiment. I got a girlfriend and pretended."

"Pretended?"

"Even to myself."

"Was that why you and Therese... Sorry, none of my business."

"It's OK. And no. We were just incompatible, far better as friends. Thing is, I’ve started having dreams, anxiety dreams about Gordon."

"Recently?"

"Few months. Nothing erotic, just..."

"Getting caught with your pants down", she smiled.

"Yeah. Then after the dreams started, I saw him."

"Locally?"

"Yeah. It was fucking weird."

"As if you'd conjured him", she smiled.

"Near the Cathedral. He saw me, we both froze. I had the twins with me, en route for a party. I was hastily reminded of my duty."

"By a nine-year-old."

"Two nine-year-olds. Whole thing freaked me out. The idea that I still liked guys. And a couple of blokes have assumed so, recently."

"That you are gay?"

"Mmm", he gave an embarrassed grin, "Morrie for one. And on Friday I went for a drink."

"With the sports bloke, or have I got that wrong?"

"Dead on. Spent the evening together, enjoyed it. On the way home he kissed me. I did enjoy that but freaked out also."

"Worried about being found out?"

"Something like."

She nodded, "Happens. We have nothing but ourselves holding us back."

"Quote?"

She shrugged, "Probably."

"On Sunday, the twins asked if I was getting a new boyfriend or girlfriend."

Beth exploded, "Really? And did it matter which?"

"Apparently not. Seems they're missing out. Having multiple parents is the thing. I'm having coffee with Nolan on Wednesday."

"The sports bloke. Is that a problem?"

"I think it's all in my head."

"That's where it usually is. Took Corinne quite a time to admit even when we first started dating."

"Really. You two seem so together."

"It's all a facade. My advice? Be candid with him and don't assume. Give him the facts and let him decide. After all, most of us have gone through something, at some point."

"True."

"And give yourself a break, too."

"Thanks.

"Look. Don't let your parents win. Live your life as you want, not as they would like it to be."

He nodded, "Thanks, and sorry to..."

"Not at all. You need to talk to someone, and I've certainly known what it’s like dealing with learning you love people different to what you've been taught." She got up and tapped Ralph's head, "Talk to him, right?"

---

Wednesday, Ralph met Nolan for lunch at a coffee shop in town. It was only when they got settled that Ralph realised it was the place where he'd seen Gordon.

"Few months ago, I was crossing the Cathedral Green with the twins, looked over here and saw a ghost from my past. Bloke I'd had an affair with when we were both in our teens. My first", he gave an embarrassed shrug, "and last."

"What happened?"

"If you mean, when I saw the bloke recently, we both just froze. Then the twins dragged me off to their appointment.”

“And when you were at school?”

“School found out. Against their moral code, blah, blah. I was mortified. Played it down with the parents. The boy, Gordon's parents steamed in, row with the headmaster. Took Gordon out of school."

"Fuck."

"I went back into the closet. Door shut firmly till..."

"You don't have to..."

"I do. I've locked everything away for far too long. I don't think the breakup with Therese had anything to do with it. Sex was great", he dipped his head in embarrassment, "But we failed at the living together thing. With twins. Before I even saw Gordon here this year."

"You meet him properly?"

"I ran off. Before then I'd been having anxiety dreams about us. The two of us found with our pants down, doing the…” He got embarrassed and gulped, “You know..."

"Did you..."

"Nothing. Never tried to contact, nor anyone else. But it keeps popping up, and well I noticed you and realised what I thought. I didn't intend to do anything. Only..."

Nolan gave a nervous smile, "I was another one who presumed."

"And I enjoyed it. Sorry about the mixed signals. But I'd have liked to do more. At least, I'd like to try."

"You mean?"

"If you've got the patience to let us go slow. Real slow."

"I think I can manage that."

"I can't promise anything."

Nolan laughed, "My last couple of relationships promised the earth but fizzled out immediately. I can live with going slow and trying things out. I've been out since I was 18, parents supportive and I still have a crappy dating history."

"Thanks."

"What about your parents?"

Ralph shrugged, "Well, I'm already a disappointment. They wanted a high-flying London lawyer and got a provincial web-developer.”

"Are you happy in the job?"

"Fuck. yes. All I ever wanted."

"Then that's what counts."

"Tell that to Mother and Father. If they find out I date men, it's just another disappointment."

"But it still matters."

"Yes. I still worry about it. Stupid."

"And Gordon?"

"Jesus. Not sure I could go there."

"You might meet again."

"Bloody hope not."

They munched their sandwiches for a while.

"Could we, like, have a rematch?"

"Rematch?"

Ralph gave a sheepish smile, "Yeah, same bar, drink, meal and a kiss. See what happens."

Nolan gave his cute smile, "I'd like that."

"Great, we can sort dates out."

"Might not be this week."

"That's OK."

---

"You're not getting a boyfriend or girlfriend just yet", Therese addressed Ralph in her best tart manner, "What the hell, Ralph? What were you thinking?"

They were having their usual lunch, delayed however until Friday this week.

"Answering a perfectly civil question, Alisa wanted to know if I was getting a girlfriend yet. I said no and Jane piped up with maybe a boyfriend?"

"I don't believe it. Couldn't you have..."

"What? Pretended it doesn't happen? Look, the two girls came out with plenty of examples of their friends. It's the sort of world they live in, divorce, remarriage, blended families. Oh, and two Daddies is their preferred option." He gave Therese a wry look and she had the grace to laugh. "Thing is, I was going to mention it anyway."

"Because?"

Ralph looked at his fingernails for so long Therese said his name again, sharply.

"I might be seeing a bloke", he ignored Therese's expostulation and ploughed on. "It's early days. All we've done is kiss and well I'm bloody unsure what's going on."

"Ralph. What the hell is going on? Even I know you don’t suddenly bloody turn gay overnight, so what was going on." She glared at him, accusingly. “You’re telling me that you were bloody…”

He gave a weary sigh, "No. There was no-one, I thought I could forget about all that. I was comfortable being married, having kids."

Therese gave him a funny look but sighed, "And OK, yes. The sex was one of the better bits."

Ralph grinned, "We're just crap at living together." He pulled a face, "You know the dreams started after the divorce was finalised."

Therese shook her head, "What the… Ralph. Dreams?"

"About the bloke, Gordon, and us getting caught. Usual anxiety dreams." Therese knew about him and Gordon, but like everyone else, until recently, she'd only heard the toned-down version.

"For God’s sake Ralph, why now. Years after."

When he explained the significance, what had actually gone on, her eyes widened. "You never said a bloody word. Didn’t it occur to you to tell your wife?"

"I locked it away. Started off by pretending to the parents, then everyone else, then even believed it myself."

She shook her head, "You know, I begin to wonder. How the hell you manage to appear so well balanced."

"Then I see him in the street. After the dreams had started. Then I get tapped for a big new contract for a gay swimming costume website with lots of nearly naked men and get mistaken for gay by the owner. The twins telling me I need to get a boyfriend."

By the end of his recitation, Therese was openly laughing, "I can’t bloody believe it. You are so fucked up, it’s not true. What's the phrase, something about Gods conspiring..."

"Well, that's my life. Look, sorry for the mind dump. I had to tell you."

"In case I freaked out? Well, you know that this certainly isn’t ideal, and I hope you’re not going to be parading blokes around in front of the girls.”

Ralph looked affronted, “Certainly not. I won’t. Besides there’s no-one. And if there was, I’d be discreet.” He glared at her, “You’ve been no saint, I expect, though the girls never hint. Just give me credit.”

She gave a weary nod, “Touché! And to reassure you, I’m not wild about it but I won’t freak out. As long as the girls are kept out of things.”

"Thanks.”

As she marched briskly away from him, she gave him a look, "All you need to do is sort yourself out."

Ralph paused and gave himself a mental shake. You never knew with Therese, what was going to happen, and that had certainly gone better than expected, though Ralph knew he was treading on thin ice. Therese might appear poised and together for her job, but Ralph knew that that façade hid some pretty sharp opinions.

---

Morrie had wanted to know what he thought of the photos. He'd gone for brave, but that hadn't been enough for the man and Morrie had dug deeper. Luckily it had only been a phone conversation, Ralph was trying to wean Morrie off endless meetings. So, he'd gone for, "Well, beefy and hairy isn't quite my type, but it projects a strong image."

That had received a guffaw from Morrie along with the question, "What is your type?"

Now the old Ralph would have ducked the question, arguing it was too much. But the question intrigued him, what was his type?

"Ralph. You OK? Sorry, the question was a bit much."

"No. I was just thinking. My type. Women, obviously, but I'm learning certain types of men, too. That's a bit new. Slim and cute, I think, with a bit of character."

A chortle from Morrie, "We'll bear it in mind at our next round of auditions. By the way, how about you doing a photo session?"

He'd knocked that idea right out.

"How was Morrie, more dodgy photos?" Beth looked up and smiled.

"Nah. Fishing for compliments on the photos of himself."

She rolled her eyes, "As if."

"He likes the latest mods, we're getting somewhere."

"Finally."

"Mind, some of their gear is eyewatering."

Beth smiled, "Giving you ideas?"

"Got to be kidding. But Morrie has this whole thing of photos of customers. In those. Wild."

Beth got a wicked glint in her eye, "Perhaps you ought to volunteer, take one for the team!"

Ralph rolled his eyes, "Get off. Me!"

---

“Fucking hell, Therese, no way!”

“Randy Ralph? Turning queer”

Therese pulled her mouth into a line, “Not so randy recently.”

“Come on T, you two were shagging like there was no tomorrow.”

Barb was one of Therese’s oldest friends, a glossy blond advertising executive. The two had bonded over boys and booze at college and then cleaned up their acts together when hitting the job market. Barb, however, had remained single, usually with an enviable boyfriend.

“Was he doing boys as well?” Dee had been part of their trio since just after college. Now a housewife with an online business run from home, she remained surprisingly sharp-edged.

The three women still met up regularly, tonight it was their favourite wine bar where they could drink, chat and put the world to rights with impunity.

“Bloody better not. Won’t be doing with that.” Barb looked fierce.

Therese gave a dry laugh, “Don’t bloody matter, do it. He was still thinking about them, though he says he wasn’t actually doing blokes. It was just me.”

“Thank God for that.”

“Come on! Blokes think about sex all the time. I know Vic does.” Victor was Dee’s husband, “Just not about me!”

“I agree with Dee. He must have been. Fucking hell, T, Guy doesn’t turn queer overnight.”

Two faces turned to Therese, all eager anticipation, “So! What are you going to do?”

“What can I do?”

“Screw him for more money, or the girls.”

Therese gave a dry laugh, “There’s no more bloody money, made that clear already.”

“What about his parents?”

“That pair?” Therese huffed, “Mr & Mrs High-and-Mighty. They were tight fisted enough when Ralph was married with kids, doubt they’ll help any now he’s queer.”

Dee shrugged, “They might…”

“No way, Dee. Queers don’t figure in their universe, at all. You should have heard them talk.”

Barb decided they needed to get Therese out of gloomy reminiscence mode. “Less of that T. Focus on now.”

“What will you do?”

“Naff all, probably. Play nice.”

“Surely…”

“The girls, right?” Barb nodded.

“I can’t risk having them full time. Boss has already made it clear that I can’t shave any more time off, and even if Mum lived close enough to help, she’s got her hands full now Dad’s ill.”

Barb gave a dry laugh. “It’s what you wanted. After all, you’ll never make director if you don’t play the firm’s game. It’s what we all learn.”

Therese gave an annoyed sigh, it was all right for Barb, she had only herself to worry about. “It seemed so easy when there were two of us, Ralph and me to share parental duties.”

Dee laughed, “Find a replacement.”

“How many 35-year-old single blokes do you know that fancy a divorcee with two exuberant daughters.”

“Exuberant?”

“He bloody encourages them. ‘Letting off steam’ he calls it.”

Dee nodded, “You can’t force them.”

“You bet. And they’re getting older.”

Barb laughed, “Talking back, are they? Just you wait till they’re in their teens.”

“What do they think of Ralph being gay?”

“Please. We’ve not got there yet, and I bloody hope we don’t for a long time. But”, she gave a sigh, “they’ve been asking him whether he’s getting a boyfriend.”

The other two cackled.

“Evidently other girls at school have fathers with boyfriends. And my daughters think the idea is cool.” Therese glared and the other two laughed.

“Face it, T, they were never going to be ordinary.”

“No.” Therese grimaced, “So, I live with it. Play nice and be the supportive ex-wife.”

“You! Playing nice.”

Therese grinned, “It’s only once a week.”

“Harder when the twins get older.”

“Live with that when we get there.”