Stockroom Secrets - 12. Chapter 12

On the way back to Meaghan and Robbie's house we chatted some more, but there was no further mention of what we had just spoken of. Our conversation reverted to more regular topics, like sport and work, which helped to cast aside that weight I had been carrying on my shoulders lately.

When we pulled into the driveway, I felt like I was a different person to the one who had earlier left the house with Bryan, and while our chat had been uncomfortable in places, I was grateful that I'd had the chance to unload on someone who knew exactly what I had been going through. Someone who understood.

We found everybody outside in the back yard and sitting around the barbeque, apart from Olly that was, who I could see was inside the house and watching television.

'What kept you guys? People have been getting thirsty,' Meaghan asked as we set the liquid supplies down on one end of the outdoor table, which was now laden with food.

'Just been catching up with my nephew,' Bryan replied, placing an arm around my shoulder as he did so. 'Seems he's been offered the possibility of a new job. It was nice to hear that now he's finished school he's getting ready to be a working man. Won't be long and he'll be finding someone who catches his eye, moving out of home and starting a life of his own. Also says he wants a car just like mine. Can you believe it?'

There were a few laughs around the table, but I definitely noticed the stony expression that remained on the face of my father. He could be a hard nut to crack sometimes.

Robbie was the first to make a move, picking up a plate of meat and carrying it to the barbeque. At the same time Bryan ripped open a slab of beer and passed cans to both Robbie and my father, then retrieved two more. He offered one to me, but I shook my head. After what happened the previous week, I wasn't that keen to indulge again.

'Smart boy,' he said to me. I glanced at dad, wondering what his reaction might be. The look of disappointment on his face said volumes. My dad was one of those guys who really enjoyed a beer at events such as this and it looked as if the fact that his eldest son wasn't going to follow in his footsteps didn't sit well with him.

It looked like the old man was going to be disappointed in me on quite a few fronts.

I watched Robbie turn up the heat on the barbeque, then using some tongs he began to transfer the meat onto the hotplate. That was soon followed by a smaller plate filled with sliced onions, which was also then dumped onto the hotplate. The sound of sizzling food and the smell of cooking soon filled the air as I took Robbie's seat next to Meaghan.

'All good?' Meaghan asked as I sat down. It was an innocuous sort of question that didn't sound as if it were loaded, but I knew exactly what she was meaning when she asked that.

'Yeah, thank you. And I'm sorry if I snapped earlier. I was just keen to see Uncle Bryan.'

'It's okay. I understand exactly what you mean. It's great to see him again, isn't it?'

'Yeah,' I replied, before Meaghan leaned in closer.

'Gray, if you ever need someone to talk to,' she whispered, ‘you know that both Robbie and I are here for you, don't you.'

I looked at her, then at Robbie, who I noticed was looking our way, then back at Meaghan again.

I couldn't answer her. Doing so would be confirming what they thought they knew, wouldn't it? In the end I gave a slight nod, accompanied by a tight smile. For now, that was the best that I could do.

When Meaghan got up to talk to dad and Robbie at the barbeque I moved onto her seat, to sit beside my mother.

'Did you have to go and tell everyone?' I quietly asked, exasperation clearly evident in the tone of my voice.

'Only those who care about you and are watching over you, honey,' she replied calmly. 'We're all here for you and we've sworn to keep it to ourselves until you're ready to say anything out loud.'

'And what if I don't want to say anything out loud . . . ever?'

'Then that's your choice, and we'll back you to the hilt!'

'And you promise you won't say anything to dad?' I glanced up at him as I asked that question. He was drinking from the beer can and watching Robbie cooking the steaks. I hoped we were far enough away for him not to hear anything we were saying.

'Cross my heart,' mum replied, while at the same time drawing a cross over her heart with her index finger.

I sat back in my chair and looked up at the ever-darkening sky above us. I wasn't sure what I expected to see there but I didn't see much. There weren't even any stars out. When I came back to earth and looked around, I found my father staring at me, before glancing in Bryan's direction, then a few seconds later settling his gaze on me once again.

Fuck. What was he thinking, I wondered?

It was just then that Olly came out the back door of the house, then came and sat down beside me.

'Isn't the food ready yet?' he complained.

I quickly reached out and grabbed him around the shoulders and hugged him tight, before using one hand to rough up his hair.

'Keep complaining and you won't get any at all,' I threatened, while laughing and at the same time tickling him, which only caused him to lose it altogether, his shrill laughter soon filling the night.

+   +   +

The socialising went on into the balmy night, enabling us to stay outdoors for the most part. My father and Olly ended up inside the house by about ten, with the old man settling for the end of a football game on the television and Olly falling asleep on one of the lounge chairs.

It had been great to see Bryan again, even if my father did grumble about him. We all knew, however, that he didn't get on well with my mother's side of the family, so it didn't come as a surprise. To be fair though, I had never heard my father call Bryan by any derogatory terms, but everyone just knew what his problem was with mum's brother. It just never got spoken about. One of those sordid family secrets that nobody dared mention.

I couldn't help but wonder if that would be how I would get treated if I came out.

Nobody mentioned my secret, or what had happened, which was something I was grateful for, but all the same, it was still there in the background, hanging over me, just waiting for one mention of it for everything to come out into the open. My mother had assured me that my family had my back. I could only hope that there would be no slip-ups.

When Meaghan and Robbie got up to begin packing up for the night, mum got to her feet to help, leaving just Bryan and me sitting in the near darkness. When the others had left us, he got up and came over to me, sitting down beside me and placing a hand on one knee.

'Mate, I'm proud of you for how you have managed this past week,' he said. 'When your mum first called me, I was really worried, that's why I said I had to come visit, but after our chat earlier it seems like you've come to terms with a few things, which is important for guys like us.'

'When you say it like that it all sounds so easy, but it hasn't been,' I replied.

'I know, Gray. But you're doing great, and we are all behind you, no matter what.'

I think I managed to nod, but in the darkness, he probably wouldn't have seen it.

'Call me anytime, okay. Better still, come to Brisbane for a visit. You'll always be welcome. And if your old man gives you any shit, about anything at all, just let me know, okay?'

'I will. Thank you.'

We sat for a few minutes more, just listening to the sounds of the night, while also watching my family inside the house through the sliding glass doors and windows, as they cleaned up and packed things away.

'There's something else we haven't discussed yet,' Bryan said to me quietly.

'What's that?' I asked.

'Have you been to see anyone yet . . . I mean like your doctor or a health clinic? You know, to get tested, at least as a starting point. Your mum said she mentioned it to you but you kind of froze up on her. If you don't want to talk to family or friends, your doctor is a good place to start, or he might also be able to refer you to someone who specialises in discussing these types of things. There really are lots of options out there these days.'

Suddenly my throat was feeling dry, and my heart was racing. I know that after everything had happened, I did think about all that, and I had thought about it since, of course, but there was the issue of not knowing where to go or who to talk to. Coupled with the embarrassment of having to talk to people and admit to what happened, well, that just scared the crap out of me.

I know that mum had also mentioned it when we were having one of our heart-to-heart chats, but the whole event was still something that I couldn't bring myself to go into any detail about with her.

'I . . . ummm . . . no, I haven't done anything about that yet,' I eventually stammered.

'You know that you should at least get tested, right?'

'Yeah, I know it's just that . . .'

'Yeah, it's embarrassing. And it means you have to admit to what happened.'

'S-something like that.'

'I know, mate. We've all been there.'

'W-what?' I snapped.

'None of us are born knowing exactly what to do in every situation we face in life. We all learn from our experiences, and our mistakes, throughout our entire lives. Things happen and we need to figure out how to deal with it . . . and that usually means having to ask someone, and the best person to ask is usually someone who has experienced the same issue or has been specifically trained to deal with that. Don't ever forget that.'

'Did something like this happen to you?' I asked.

'Yeah,’ he replied, after a short pause. ‘Let's just say that when I was fifteen years old my soccer coach got a little too friendly.'

'Oh,' was all I could say.

Silence stretched out between us once more as I mulled over what Bryan had said. I didn't want to push him into talking about it, but at the same time I was hoping that he would continue.

'It started out innocently enough,' he eventually said. 'At that age I knew I liked guys, and I was flattered and excited by all the attention I received from him . . . he was a real touchy-feely kind of guy, if you know what I mean. I even liked it when he would do things like rub my back or rub my shoulders or pat me on the bum, it made me feel, oh, I don’t know, loved, I guess. But things changed on a trip away for a game. He managed to manipulate the sleeping arrangements and we ended up sharing a motel room. Needless to say, what had previously been a bit of harmless play was taken too far. He ended up fucking me and I really spun out. A bit like what happened with you, eh?'

'Kind of, I guess.'

'As it turns out, he wasn't what you would call clean, so I ended up with a dose of the clap. I ended up going to the family doctor as I didn't know what was going on, he realised that I must have been sexually active and so he started quizzing me on that. I was a wreck when he did that, and I soon broke down and confessed all. Anyhow, word got around, and that’s when the shit hit the fan. I was interviewed by the police, and as it turned out I wasn’t the first. Coach Clifton was charged and went to court and pleaded guilty, so there didn’t end up being a whole drawn out court case or anything like that. I can only assume that he ended up serving time, as I haven't seen or heard from him since.'

'Holy shit! And what about your parents, and my mum, did they all find out?'

'My parents did, and they swore they would never say anything . . . you know, the shame of it and everything, but a few years later, after I’d come out then everything eventually became known as well. Secrets are hard to keep in small towns, as you will no doubt find out.'

'Yeah, that's kind of what I'm afraid of.'

In the darkness I felt his hand squeeze my knee once again.

'If it does, don't let it worry you, Gray. Times have changed, and while twenty years ago it may have felt like a death sentence for some, it's not that bad these days. People are coming out all the time, and while there might sometimes be a reaction initially, it doesn't take long before it's all forgotten about. You'll see.'

I had my doubts about that, but I figured that only time would tell on that front.

'I can only hope so,' I replied.

+   +   +

We said goodbye to Uncle Bryan the following morning, after all of us – except my father, who had a prior golf game booked – met downtown at my mother’s favourite sidewalk café for brunch.

We chatted and laughed, just as regular families do, and the time went by far too quickly. The main topic of conversation ended up being the upcoming birth of Meaghan and Robbie’s baby, for which I was grateful, as it meant my problems weren’t the centre of attention.

Bryan made no mention of any of our chats from the previous day, but after we had all finished eating, he said he needed to take a walk and asked me to join him. We left everyone at the table and headed along the street. When I glanced back at my family, I could see them all looking our way, with Olly the only one who had a curious expression on his face, which, as he wasn’t up to speed with what has been happening recently, wasn’t surprising. I noticed him turn towards mum and ask something, but I was too far away to hear what was said.

‘I just wanted one last chat before I head off home,’ Bryan said, as we crossed the road at the end of the block and entered a park. We followed a path that meandered through some gardens filled with native shrubs and trees.

I looked at him expectantly.

‘About what we talked about last night, mate. Just wanted to make sure you will get yourself checked out. If those guys you were with fuck around a bit, the last thing I would want is for you to end up with something nasty, okay?’

‘I will,’ I replied.

‘And if you need someone to talk to just let me know. You can come and visit me if you don’t want to do it locally. There are all sorts of services available in the city and nobody will know you there. But we need to make sure you get yourself tested, okay? And if I need to, I’m going to ring you every day and keep asking you until you get it done!’

‘Geez, you’re starting to sound like my mother,’ I joked.

‘Just looking after my boy!’ he replied.

To be continued . . .