Unraveled - 2. Knots

Kyle McHenry walked quickly from the band room following the final tryouts, phone in hand, fingers scrolling his contacts to reach out to his boyfriend. The day went exactly as the rest of the week had gone. Marching drills in the morning. Music drills in the afternoon. Field drills in the evening. His marching and performance were in top shape, and it was obvious he had been well taught in high school. He was a shoo-in to make the cut and become part of the Nittany Lions marching band. Everyone could see Kyle was a young man who could go far at Penn State.

So why was he so miserable?

He smiled when he heard Jake’s voice through the phone. It was probably the first time that day he’d smiled.

“How’d it go today?” Jake asked.

“God, I miss you so much,” Kyle replied. He couldn’t believe how deeply in love he’d fallen for Jake Finnegan in such a short time. They’d only started dating around the middle of his senior year, but Kyle had never been so in love with another person before.

“You want to FaceTime?” Jake asked.

“Yeah,” Kyle said. “But not yet. Later tonight, after I get a shower. I look like shit.” Kyle felt like shit too. He’d probably lost five pounds during the week of intense tryouts. Kyle just wanted to wash away the sweat and stress of the day and relax in his dorm room with his distant boyfriend.

“You could never look like shit,” Jake replied. “I’ll always think you’re beautiful.”

“Aww…” Kyle said out loud. God, he missed his Jake so much he almost started crying right there on the sidewalk in front of his dorm. “I haven’t asked you about your week. How’s it going? How’s Danny doing?”

Jake sighed. “I don’t know what Mr. Reilly was thinking making him a captain.”

“Why? What’d he do today?”

“It’s not anything in particular. It’s just… I don’t know. He jokes around too much and doesn’t take things as seriously as he should. He’s always talking to everybody and causing a scene. Why can’t he be more like you?”

“Jake, don’t compare him to me. Danny’s his own person. Maybe I was too serious sometimes? Maybe Mr. Reilly wanted somebody who could brighten the mood. Danny’s a good leader. People like to follow him. He’s a fun guy to be around.”

“But… This is our senior year. Mr. Reilly is trusting me with so much, and then there’s Danny to come around and make a joke of everything.”

“Mr. Reilly knows what he’s doing, Jake. You should trust him.”

“It’s my band,” Jake protested.

“And it’s Danny’s band. And Mr. Reilly’s band. And…”

“He put me in charge of it.”

“Jacob…” Kyle said softly. “You need to chill out. When was the last time you played Minecraft?”

“Are you seriously asking me about video games?” Jake asked incredulously.

“You enjoy them, right? Before we got together that was all you talked about. I think you should do something you enjoy.

“But I’m…”

“Jake, I insist you go play Minecraft for an hour or two. I’m going to shower and take a little nap and then I’ll FaceTime you later tonight. Okay?”

Jake grinned. “You are the best boyfriend in the world, Ky.”

“Second best. Okay, I love you. I’ll FaceTime you later tonight.”

Jake sighed as his screen went black. Kyle was so far away. Jake couldn’t believe how empty everything felt without him.. It was like his life had finally started to make sense when he found Kyle. And then Kyle had to leave. Now Jake was all alone, and so fucking lonely. And that was dangerous because the last time he’d been so lonely he’d slept with Danny.

Twice…

“Minecraft…” Jake said to himself. Kyle hated Minecraft. Why would he suggest such a silly idea? And yet… It had been a long time since Jake had played. The only person he could think of who might still be interested in playing was his ex-boyfriend Ryan. They’d always had fun playing together before things got messy.

“What the hell, why not?” Jake said as he scrolled through his contacts.

--------

Ryan’s phone buzzed in his pants pocket, but Ryan was nowhere near his pants, or any of his clothes at the moment. He had just collapsed on his back next to Danny in the Rossi family’s basement next to the hot tub.

“Fuck that was hot,” Danny said as Ryan tried to catch his breath. The amount of physical activity they’d put their poor bodies through between a week of practice and sex was exhausting!

Ryan could only nod and smile in reply, and enjoy Danny’s kisses on his chest and neck. If you had told Ryan one month before that he’d be having a wild, sex-filled fling with Danny Rossi he’d have laughed at you. Danny had been the reason he’d broken up with Jake, after Danny had slept with Jake at band camp last year. Twice. It was the second time that had hurt the most. Once could have been a mistake. But twice was a choice. He didn’t hate Jake afterward. In fact, he’d even tried to stay friends. But then he’d caught that wobbly pass from a desperate Brenton Baker on the last play of the game against Central Catholic that had sent his team to the playoffs and his life was instantly turned upside down.

Suddenly he was the school hero. He wasn’t ready to go from a shy, closeted nobody to a high school football hero. Suddenly, everybody knew his name. Worse, everybody was interested in his business. Who he was dating suddenly became headline news in a small town. It was just assumed that a football hero would be heterosexual.

Ryan wasn’t heterosexual, though. Ryan was about as far from heterosexual as he could get. Ryan had an honest to goodness boyfriend until Danny had slept with him. So what was he doing lying naked next to Danny in his basement again? Ryan was still trying to figure that out himself. It wasn’t something he’d wanted or expected. It just happened.

The two of them hadn’t even spoken much to each other since the most recent unpleasantness. But then last month they were both at their friend Nick Jenkins’s house for a pool party. As everyone was having a good time at the pool, Ryan and Danny had each gone into Nick’s empty house to use the restroom.

Seizing the moment when he saw Danny alone, Ryan confronted him in Nick’s kitchen. Danny was just so effortlessly charming with both the girls and the guys. Ryan couldn’t stand it. Guys like Danny could have anyone they wanted, but last summer Danny had wanted his boyfriend. Ryan could forgive Jake, but he’d hated Danny ever since.

“Find anybody’s boyfriend to steal?” Ryan asked, startling Danny as he walked through the kitchen.

“Fuck, I’ve told you a hundred times how sorry I am about what happened, Ryan.”

“Tell me again,” Ryan insisted. Fuck, why did Danny have to look so fucking sexy without his shirt on? Ryan leaned in on Danny, pushing him against the refrigerator.

“I’m sorry,” Danny replied. “It was a mistake.”

“Twice,” Ryan snarled. Being so close to Danny, Ryan couldn’t help but feel something stirring inside of him. Why did Danny have to smell so good after being in a pool? Why did he feel something stirring in his body that he definitely didn’t want to feel? Danny deserved to feel like shit for what he did. Ryan was completely justified to hate him. So why was he feeling so goddamn confused? Were Danny’s eyes always so blue? Did his hair always stick up in certain places on his head, like being tamed was something Danny’s very essence was rejecting physically? And then Ryan realized how close he’d gotten to Danny without even realizing it.

Danny pressed himself against Ryan’s body. Both of them were dressed only in their swim trunks. Danny put his hand on Ryan’s chest, as if attempting to push him away. But then his hand stayed there.

“Wait… Are… Are as turned on as I am right now?” Danny asked.

Ryan blushed. “No…”

Danny’s hand slipped behind Ryan’s back and pulled him closer. Now they were nose to nose, chest to chest.

Ryan gulped hard. Their lips found each other. Hands explored places they weren’t supposed to.

“Bathroom?” Danny suggested.

“Yeah…” Ryan said.

About ten minutes later Danny emerged from Nick’s house, face flushed and hair sticking up all over, as if someone had run their fingers through it passionately. Ryan appeared about five minutes later, just as they’d planned, wondering if anyone suspected what had just happened between him and Danny in Nick’s bathroom, hoping any noise they might have made and been drowned out by the sounds of EDM at the party.

“Your phone is buzzing again,” Danny sighed.

Ryan groaned. “Ugh… Why now?” He held Danny against him. “I guess I better check it. It could be my dad,” Ryan said. He laughed when he saw the name on the screen and showed Danny. “You’re not going to believe this!” he said.

“Oh god!” Danny laughed. “Better answer it.”

“Think you can be quiet for five minutes?”

Danny put his finger up to his lips and grinned. Ryan pressed the green answer button on his phone. “What’s up, Jake?”

“Hey…” Jake replied. “Are you home right now?”

“Sorry, I’m at… a friend’s house.”

“Oh… I’m just looking for someone to play Minecraft tonight. Sorry if I interrupted anything.”

“Minecraft?” Ryan asked. He looked at Danny and shrugged. Danny was just as confused as Ryan was.

“Yeah… I just need to… I don’t know. I’ve been ordered to have fun tonight.”

“Have you reached out to Danny?” Ryan asked, smiling at his naked lover.

“No, he’s never been into it. I’m sorry. I should go…”

“No, it’s cool. I was just about to go home anyway. How about I call you when I get home and we can set something up. Okay?”

“Really? Okay. I… I’ll look forward to hearing from you. See you later!”

“Bye Jake,” Ryan said.

“Bye Jake,” Danny mimicked after Ryan had hung up the phone. “You’re really gonna go play Minecraft with your ex-boyfriend on a Friday night?”

“Yeah. I don’t know. He just sounded so lonely and desperate.”

“Oh, I know. I’ve had to put up with his moping and pining for Kyle all week.”

“I haven’t even played since we broke up. You want to come along?”

“That would blow his mind, wouldn’t it? ‘Hey Jake, have you met Danny? We just did it in the hot tub.’”

Ryan blushed. “Oh yeah… Bad idea, I guess. I really do have to go home though,” Ryan said as he pulled on his jeans. Danny lay on his side and watched as Ryan turned his shirt right-side-out and tugged it on over his slim athletic frame.

“So… See you later then,” Ryan said, never really sure how to end these little get-togethers with Danny.

Danny just sat there, still naked, with his feet dipped in the hot tub. It was in the cool down period, after the high and energy of sex began to wear off that the feelings of inadequacy and shame which were temporarily buried under lust began to seep back to the surface. That was when Danny noticed every little flaw with his body. That was when he felt pudgy. That was when he felt unworthy of any good thing he had in his life, that everything he had was unearned.

Ryan escaped up the stairs, leaving Danny to stew in his own thoughts.

“We barely even kissed,” Danny said to himself. He got up and began to put his own clothes back on. “Who would want to kiss you anyway?” he said, looking at his reflection in the still water of the hot tub.

Danny pulled out his own phone and checked his messages. There was a message from Caleb, one of his freshman trumpet players about band camp and a funny bisexual meme Nick Jenkins sent him that he replied to with a laughing emoji.

“Why wouldn’t Jake even ask me if I wanted to play?” Danny said aloud to no one. Danny couldn’t help but feel things had changed between them since Jake had been picked to be field commander by Mr. Reilly. It wasn’t exactly like the power went to his head, but Jake was definitely acting differently. Was it Kyle being so far away? Was it that he somehow knew that Danny was hooking up with Ryan?

No, Danny thought to himself. It’s probably just the pressure he was under. Danny grabbed his phone and texted Jake.

“Hey, you doing anything this weekend? Want to hang out before we go to band camp?”

He pressed send and waited.

Jake was working at his computer trying to reconnect to Minecraft when Danny texted him. Jake had his phone set to vibrate and didn’t even realize Danny was trying to reach him. Jake hadn’t played Minecraft in ages, since he and Kyle had started their relationship. There was no time to play with blocks when you had the world’s best boyfriend to hang out with. Jake missed Kyle like a wounded bird misses flying.

“There we go,” Jake said. He had managed to get everything together and the game fired up. Jake smiled when he saw his old save profile was still active. Now all he had to do was wait for Ryan to connect.

“Aren’t you a little old for that game?” Jake’s mom, Karen, asked from the doorway of his bedroom.

“Kyle insisted,” Jake replied. “He thinks I’m too stressed.”

“Well I hate to add to your stress. But on the way into the house, I noticed a large black puddle under your car.”

“Really?” Jake groaned in frustration. “Goddamn it, Bob.”

“Don’t call your father Bob.”

“There are worse names…” Jake sighed. Jake grabbed his phone to complain to his dad about his car… again. That’s when he saw the text from Danny.

“Danny wants to hang out this weekend,” Jake said as he walked from his bedroom to the front door to go check on the car.

“It’s okay with me,” Jake’s mom replied.

Jake sighed. Did he really want to deal with Danny the weekend before band camp when he was going to have to be with him all week? Jake needed to be ready. Mr. Reilly was counting on him to lead the band. Danny would just make everything a joke.

“I still have to get ready for band camp and my stupid car is puking oil again,” Jake texted as he walked outside. “We’ll hang out all next week, okay?”

Danny checked the message from Jake and felt his heart sink. “nevermind then” Danny texted back.

Jake saw the message and sent a thumbs-up emoji in reply. He texted his dad. “Oil is leaking AGAIN!!” He cursed the day he’d been given a ‘dad car’ to drive from his dad’s used lemonade stand… err… car lot. He’d thought about going to State College some weekend when he had the chance to see Kyle, but with Jake’s luck he’d probably end up stranded on the side of the road with flames coming out from under the hood. He snapped a picture of the black puddle under the car and sent it to his dad.

“Bring it in next Tuesday, bud.” Jake’s dad replied.

“BAND CAMP NEXT WEEK.” Jake typed, making sure the caps lock was fully engaged. Jake swore under his breath.

“I’ll come get it then.”

If Jake rolled his eyes any harder they might have detached. “Bring a case of oil because there won’t be any left in the car by Tuesday.” Jake replied. He went back into his room and saw that Ryan was waiting to play. Jake started the game.

“Do you even remember how to play this game?” Ryan asked.

While the boys fumbled their way through the game, Danny got dressed and walked to his car.

“Fuck you, Jacob Finnegan,” Danny said to himself. He drove around for a while, going nowhere, just thinking. He wondered if it was too late to change roommates for band camp. The idea of being stuck in a dorm room with Jake’s big head all week was dreadful. Not only was he going to have to hear how bad he sucked from Mr. Reilly, but then he was going to have to go back to the dorm and get it again from his so-called best friend.

“Maybe I’ll just quit band before I have to go.” Danny thought, and not for the first time. He was basically only in band because Jake was anyway. That’s why he joined all those years ago. Jake had always made it look so easy. Marching, playing, leading… Jake was a natural. Danny struggled with all of it. And all along the way there was a nagging voice in his head telling him he was never going to be any good – that he was just a joke to everybody. It wasn’t Jake’s voice, or Mr. Reilly’s… It was his own voice.

While Danny was driving around, Brett Reilly was sitting in a freshly eggshell-white painted room with his husband. Both of them had paint on their clothes and even some in their hair.

“I think eggshell was the right choice,” Brett said as he admired their work. “I think the baby will like it.”

“I reckon,” Billy replied.

“So… We need to talk about what happens if the call comes while I’m at band camp,” Brett said.

“Well, with our luck the odds are about ninety-five percent that it will.”

“And if it does?”

“Bag is packed, paperwork for paternity leave is filed, Mom and Dave are on standby, group text is set. I’ve covered all the bases. We’re ready.”

“Are we?” Brett asked.

Billy smiled. “It’s okay to be nervous.”

“Yeah, but you had two functioning adults as parents. I had a pair of narcissistic liars. I didn’t exactly have the best examples for parents.”

“Brett, you are going to be an awesome dad. You always think you’re going to suck at things and then you knock it out of the park. Remember how anxious you were before you started with the band? No one works harder than you to be a good person. I know this is going to sound crazy coming from me, but we need to relax a little. Yes, there will be times we screw up, but we’re going to have some really great moments too. It’s okay to be scared, but it’s not okay to let fear take over.”

“You sound like your dad,” Brett said.

“Thanks,” Billy replied. “He was human too, you know. He fucked up sometimes. And so will we. But it’s our time now.”

“I’m so glad you married me,” Brett said.

“Yeah, even after you left your underwear on the floor of the bathroom, I still said yes,” Billy grinned.

Brett sighed. “You know I’m terrified of fucking this up, right?”

“Yeah.” Billy rested his head on Brett’s shoulder. “But you’re not alone in this. We’re in this together. And when you get anxious, you can always talk to me about it. And if it’s too much for both of us, that’s what therapy is for.”

While the paint was drying at the Reilly-Roberts home, Danny had found himself alone at Palmer Park. He hated that he was crying. He hated that he didn’t know why he was crying. He had half a mind to drive to Jake’s house and tell him off, even though Jake had no idea he was causing Danny so much stress.

He’d texted and deleted “I’m quitting” to Mr. Reilly several times, never having the balls to actually hit send. He found a rock and sent it skimming across the pond. He was tired of constantly putting on a mask, of not even knowing who he was beneath it.

“You’re just a joke,” the voice in his head reminded him. “If people met the real you, they’d leave you like every girlfriend you’ve had has left you.”

“Why do I have to fuck up absolutely everything I touch?” Danny asked himself.

-----

“Why do I suck so bad at this game?” Jake laughed as he tried to remember how to play the game he’d been so addicted to just a few months ago.

“You always sucked,” Ryan laughed. “I was just going easy on you before!”

“I really missed playing with you,” Jake said. “I guess we just grew apart after everything that happened, huh?”

“Yeah… I hear you’re sharing a dorm with Danny at band camp again. You’re not afraid of a repeat of last time?”

“No,” Jake blushed. “Cheating on you was the worst thing I’ve ever done. The thought of cheating on Kyle is… God, I’d feel like the world’s biggest dickhead again.”

“It seems to have worked out for the best. You wouldn’t have gone out with Kyle if we’d stayed together, and he’s been really good for you.”

“I just wish he wasn’t so far away,” Jake sighed. “I can’t believe how much I miss him.”

“I’ll bet he feels even worse, being separated from you, and being so far from home. It’s a lot.”

“Speaking of which, he’s calling me now,” Jake said. “I’m going to tap out of this game, okay?”

“Of course,” Ryan replied. “Let’s do this again soon.”

As soon as Jake signed off the game, he opened his FaceTime with Kyle.

Kyle smiled as soon as he saw Jake’s face on his screen. “God, I miss you so much. You’re so fucking beautiful, Jake.”

“You’re not so bad yourself. You look tired.”

“I’m exhausted. I want to come home. I want to hold you. I want you to kiss me at the park. I want to make love to you and have you hold me all night until morning.”

“We’ll do that soon. I promise, Ky.”

Kyle smiled. “I miss hearing you call me Ky…”

“Ky. Ky. Ky. Ky… I love you, Kyle James…”

“I love you, Jacob Michael…” Kyle replied. Just saying the name made Kyle’s heart feel warm.

“Oh, by the way, I made the cut,” Kyle announced.

“Ky!! That is awesome! I knew you would make it.”

“It’ll be a lot of work, but I’m ready for it. I just won’t have a free weekend until October.”

“Well that part sucks. But still, that’s so amazing. You’re incredible!”

Kyle smiled. “I miss you,” he said. “I wish I was there with you.”

“I have an idea,” Jake said. “Let’s keep our FaceTime open while we go to sleep. It’ll be like being together.”

Kyle smiled. “I do love to watch you sleep. I just wish I could hold you.”

“Soon,” Jake said softly. When the time came, they did what they had planned, but Kyle had no intention of falling asleep when he could watch Jake’s sleeping face as long as he could. Even Jake’s soft snoring was adorable to Kyle. How was he going to survive the months ahead when his heart was back home with the young man he loved?