Unraveled - 5. Don't Look Back in Anger

It took Jake a moment to realize he wasn’t dreaming when he woke up with Kyle’s warm arms wrapped around him. He snuggled closer to his boyfriend and felt Kyle squeeze him more tightly.

“I love you,” Kyle whispered in Jake’s ear. Jake smiled for what felt like the first time in forever. It had only been a few weeks since they’d been together last, but it felt like an eternity.

“Don’t go back,” Jake sighed, snuggling into Kyle’s chest. “Stay with me forever.”

Kyle held Jake even tighter. “What time is it?”

Jake checked his phone. “Five thirty. Do you just want to lie here together or do you want to pick up where we left off last night?”

Kyle grinned. “I think we have enough time for another round.”

“Or two?” Jake said hopefully.

“We’ll have fun trying,” Kyle replied.

“I love you, Ky,” Jake said happily.

At six thirty, Danny’s phone alarm woke him from his troubled sleep. He understood now why Sam hadn’t had a roommate until he moved in. The snoring. Oh, the constant, loud snoring! And when the snoring stopped, Danny feared that the guy had stopped breathing. But then the snoring would start again.

Sam finally woke up and seemed surprised to find Danny in the opposite bed.

“Oh… I forgot you were even here.”

“Yeah…” Danny said. “Have you considered a CPAP machine?”

“A what?”

“Never mind. I’m gonna take a shower,” Danny said.

Danny showered, brushed his teeth, dressed, and was in line for breakfast with time to spare. Before long, his section gathered around him.

“You look like shit,” Andrew said.

“Why didn’t you warn me about the snoring?” Danny asked.

“I thought you knew. I thought the whole dorm knew,” Andrew replied.

Danny just squinted at Andrew.

“Anyway…” Andrew said. “I heard a rumor that Jake’s bed was awfully squeaky last night.”

“Is that so?” Danny replied.

“Hopefully the rumors are true,” Gina said. “Maybe he won’t be such a tight ass today.”

“Stop it,” Danny cautioned his section mates.

“It’s just a joke,” Andrew protested.

“You guys are literally telling gay jokes in front of the president of the LGBTQ Alliance,” Danny replied. “Knock it off.”

“I don’t get it,” Andrew said. “I thought you and Jake were having a fight.”

“So, I should throw sixteen years of friendship in the trash because we’re having a fight? You guys don’t get it. Jake isn’t just a friend. He’s like a brother to me. You ever get into an argument with your brother? It’s ugly and they know all the secrets, and it looks to everybody that you hate each other from the outside. But I still love him, even if he’s been acting like a jerk.”

“Oh my god! Look who it is!” Gina exclaimed as Jake and Kyle came walking toward them. Jake was wearing the Penn State sweatshirt Kyle had been wearing the night before. Of course, the whole trumpet section immediately mobbed Kyle. “What are you doing here?” “How’s Penn State?” “Are you still the best player in the band?” “We miss you!” “Did you hear about Mr. Reilly and the baby?”

Kyle laughed. “Whoa! One at a time, guys! I’m only here until breakfast is over and then I have to go back.”

“Did you and Jake have fun last night?” Andrew asked.

“I don’t think that’s any of your business, Andrew,” Jake said, blushing.

“So ‘yes’ then,” Andrew joked.

Kyle and Jake sat with the trumpet section for breakfast. It was the first time in a while that Jake felt like one of the kids, rather than like middle management. It wasn’t just having Kyle with him. It was being included at the table. He didn’t say much, but it was just nice to be with kids his own age instead of sitting with the adults.

After breakfast, Jake walked with Kyle to his car. “Only ninety-five and a half miles to go,” Jake said.

“And only six weeks until the Ohio State game, and then we have a weekend off before the Michigan State game,” Kyle replied.

Jake hugged Kyle and nestled his nose into Kyle’s neck so he could absorb Kyle’s scent one last time before they had to go their separate ways again.

“I love you, Ky,” Jake whispered into Kyle’s ear.

“Not as much as I love you,” Kyle replied. “October 6^th. The Italian place. Like, around four o’clock. Date?”

“I’m already counting down the hours,” Jake replied. “And I’m keeping the sweatshirt, by the way.”

Kyle laughed. “That sweaty old thing?”

“That’s what I like about it. It smells like you,” Jake said, blushing.

They shared one last kiss and then Kyle had to go, and Jake had to catch up with the band on the football field.

The band had one of its best practices of the summer that morning. Mr. Butler heaped praise on everyone involved and assured them Mr. Reilly was going to be thrilled with their progress. He gave an extra note of praise to Jake for his leadership. As they took a break for water and biological refreshment, Jake asked Danny for a minute of time alone. They walked together to an out-of-the-way corner of the football field.

“Thanks for reaching out to Kyle. That was really nice of you,” Jake said, with his hands in his pockets and looking at the ground between the two of them.

“Well, you had a rough day yesterday, and I didn’t want you to sit there and stew in that room all night.”

“It’s lonely by myself in there. You can come back if you want. I’ve heard Sam snores like a train.”

“It’s not so bad,” Danny lied. “I just… I don’t think I’m ready to be alone with you again. This last year has really hurt me. Like, my mental health has been shit, and I feel like you haven’t cared all that much about my feelings. I mean, I get it. You were busy with Kyle and everything. But you’re not the only one who’s been lonely. Ever since last year after what we did, it feels like someone’s built a wall between us. I know we made a mess of things last year. I feel like staying with you in this place again is bringing back a lot of bad memories. I don’t want to be enemies, and I don’t want to stop talking. But I don’t want to feel this way anymore.”

“Danny, I do care! I just… I mean… Like, you say you’re lonely but you have this whole secret thing going on with Ryan and…”

“Can we not talk about that right now? The problem is between you and me. Not him.”

“Okay. So, let’s work on the wall then. What can I do to make things right, to help tear the wall down? Is there anything I can do?”

“Do you remember what I told you after we slept together last year?”

“Yeah…”

“How I said it felt like we were soulmates?”

“I remember.”

“I never stopped feeling that way,” Danny admitted. “I tried to bury those feelings. I thought, if I could pretend that it was just sex… But it wasn’t. I can’t pretend that it was. You opened something up inside of me I haven’t been able to close. That night meant something to me. I mean, I was struggling with what it meant to be bisexual. That night… that second night… it all finally made sense. But then you rejected even the thought that what we had was something special. You just said it was a mistake and it felt like I was blamed for it all. You broke my heart, Jake. I know you didn’t mean to do it, but you did. I never really got over it.”

“Danny, I’m really sorry I hurt you. I don’t blame you for what happened. We both wanted what happened. And I’m sorry I made you feel like shit about it. Really sorry.”

Before Danny could reply, Mr. Butler blew the whistle to signal that it was time to get back to work.

“Danny…” Jake said as Danny began walking back to his section. Danny paused.

“Yeah?”

“Please come back to our dorm room. Don’t stay with Sam again.”

Danny sighed. “I’ll think about it.”

“And…” Jake looked around to make sure nobody was nearby. “Can I sit with you guys at lunch again? I feel like a tool sitting with the chaperones.”

Danny grinned. “Yeah. You were always welcome.”

Danny joined his section and Jake met with Mr. Butler to plan for the rest of the morning session. For the first time since camp started, Jake felt like he could breathe again.

Everyone was exhausted as they trudged from the practice field toward the cafeteria. Jake lingered at the back of the crowd until Mr. Butler came alongside him.

“That was an excellent practice, Jacob.”

“Yeah…” Jake said.

“You look like you have a lot on your mind,” Mr. Butler said.

“It’s complicated,” Jake replied. “I have a lot going on.”

“Well, I just want you to know how proud I am of how much you’ve grown since I was your band director. I remember how difficult it was for you then, with your parents’ divorce and all of that mess. You’ve been through a lot. And I also remember that you and Daniel were pretty much inseparable back then.”

Jake laughed. “Yeah… You must be the only person here who doesn’t know what happened at band camp last year.”

“Jacob, there are some things you don’t need to hear about because you can see them plain as day. Whatever is going on between you boys, you have a bond that is very special. It’s worth fighting for. Daniel is many things, but I think the thing he’s always been most proud of is being your friend. So, don’t sit with the adults today at lunch. Don’t go off by yourself either. Time goes by too fast. Be a kid.”

Jake smiled weakly. When he arrived at the cafeteria, just about everyone was already seated around their tables. Danny was easy to find. Jake grabbed his lunch, gulped, and walked toward the table where the trumpet section was seated.

“Can I sit with you guys?” Jake asked hesitantly.

Danny patted the empty seat next to him. He didn’t even have to say anything. Jake sat down beside his best friend and bit into the apple he’d grabbed in line.

“Any word from Kyle?” Gina asked.

“He made it back to State College about an hour ago,” Jake answered.

“I noticed you were a lot more… relaxed this morning,” Andrew said.

“Shut up, Andrew,” Danny said.

Everyone at the lunch table, including Jake, laughed.

After lunch, everyone had free time. Practice would start again at two o’clock. Jake walked around campus for a little while, then found a shady spot under his tree again. He made sure his phone alarm was set in case he fell asleep again. After a little while, he sensed someone sit down on the other side of the tree. He knew who it was immediately.

“Do you remember how we met?” Danny asked from the other side of the tree.

“No,” Jake admitted.

“Me neither,” Danny confessed. “You’ve just always been there for as long as I can remember.”

Jake sighed. “I guess some things are just meant to be.”

“And some things aren’t,” Danny replied. “Even if you want them to be.”

“And what about us?” Jake asked.

“I don’t know,” Danny replied.

For a while the two of them just sat there under the tree, each looking in the opposite direction. Jake thought about all the conversations of the last year that had led to their current mess. There were things Jake wished he hadn’t said. Things that he thought Danny might have misunderstood. And there were things he wished he’d said, but didn’t, for whatever reason. He closed his eyes and exhaled deeply.

“I don’t think you’re a joke, Danny,” Jake said, turning his head in Danny’s direction. “You’re one of the kindest and bravest people I’ve ever known. I’ve always been proud to be your best friend.”

Danny felt his eyes burn. He let the tears form. He felt like he needed a good cry as he allowed Jake’s words to linger in his ears. He wanted Jake to know so many things. He found the words he wanted to say.

“I never stopped loving you,” Danny admitted. “We’ve fought. We’ve been through hell together. Girlfriends and drama came and went. But through it all, we always ended up where we started. Beside each other. You’re the first friend I ever had. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. And I will always love you, even when you’re annoying.”

Jake smiled. “Annoying?”

“Well, I wanted to say ‘when you’re an asshole,’ but we were being all sentimental and that.”

Jake scooted around the tree so that he was sitting next to Danny. He rested his head on Danny’s shoulder.

“I love you too,” Jake said. “I think that’s what made everything hurt so much after what we did. It meant something to me too.”

“Did Kyle tell you we talked about all this stuff?”

“He might have mentioned something about it.”

“He’s a blabbermouth,” Danny replied.

“He loves you too, you know. And we’re both proud of you. You’ve made the trumpet section a real team. You know how to bring people together, and that’s a real gift. I think that’s what Mr. Reilly saw in you when he made you captain.”

Danny smiled. “We should probably get moving. Mr. Butler’s almost worse than Mr. Reilly when it comes to being late.”

As they stood up and began walking to practice, Jake said, “Hey… Thanks for saving me a seat at lunch.”

“I never stopped,” Danny admitted. “You just never came. You wanted to sit at the grown-ups’ table.”

Jake’s eyes burned a little bit. “I’m sorry,” he said.

“Hey! No more tears today. Let’s get to practice,” Danny replied.

At the band’s evening session, Mr. Butler was so pleased with how the band was performing that he decided to end practice early so the kids could have some free time. Everyone scattered to do their own thing. Jake sat in the bleachers at the practice field and called Kyle.

“Hey, thanks for talking to Danny,” Jake said.

“Jake, what did I tell you when we first started going out? I knew you and Danny were a package deal when you asked me out. Danny is a good dude. And what you have between you guys is awesome. I never want you to lose that connection. You’re not the same person without him. And I’m glad he’s my friend too.”

“What sucks is that I didn’t even realize I was hurting him. I was so caught up in my own stuff. I missed it.”

“Danny didn’t want you to see it, Jake. He hid it from everybody. I sat next to him in band for three years. I missed it too. Danny doesn’t like to upset people. He thinks he’s bothering people when he talks about what’s going on. So, he hides behind a mask. It’s like Phantom, remember? I think he’s afraid that if people see the real Danny they’ll leave.”

“And I thought I had abandonment issues,” Jake said.

“Oh, you do!” Kyle replied. “You’re just incapable of hiding your feelings.”

“Oh, gee! Thanks!” Jake laughed.

“It’s a good quality, Jake. It’s one of the things I love most about you.”

“Okay. So what am I feeling now?”

“You’re feeling like a smartass. But what else is new?”

They both laughed.

As Jake walked back to the dorm, he reminded some of the younger kids who were playing football in the quad that curfew was coming quickly. One of the kids tossed the ball to Jake. He remembered enough from his practice sessions with Ryan that he managed to throw a nice spiral without embarrassing himself. He was about to continue on his way, but then he remembered Mr. Butler’s words about being a kid and decided to stay with the boys and toss the ball around with them until curfew time.

When he opened his dorm room door, he found Danny lying on his bed and playing around on his phone. All of Danny’s belongings were back.

“About time you got back. You almost missed curfew,” Danny said nonchalantly.

“Welcome back,” Jake said.

“Don’t get too excited. I’m only back because Sam snores like a train saw.”

“Don’t you mean chainsaw?” Jake asked.

“No. A chainsaw eventually stops running. A train saw is just car after car of obnoxiousness.”

Jake took a shower and brushed his teeth, then settled into bed. He lay on his side facing Danny. Danny put his phone away and settled into his bunk, facing Jake.

“I’m glad you came back,” Jake said.

“Me too,” Danny replied.

They both slept well that night.