Unraveled - 6. Brett's World

“Brett, it’s your turn.”

The sound of a baby crying and his husband poking him in the shoulder awakened Brett from the precious little sleep he’d been enjoying for the first time in a week. He rubbed his eyes and checked the time.

Three o’clock.

Brett hadn’t woken up at three in the morning in his entire life. He’d stayed up until then many times. But there was something unnatural about waking up long before the sun.

“I thought it was your turn,” Brett said hopefully.

“Nope. I changed the poopy diaper at midnight,” Billy replied. He rolled over and went back to sleep.

“Goddammit,” Brett said.

He rubbed his eyes and drifted across the hallway to the baby’s nursery. The eggshell-painted walls reflected the glowing pictures from Betty’s nightlight. He found the tiny little baby fussing in her crib.

“Okay, what do you have for me this time? Poop? Pee? Hungry?” He checked the diaper first. It was clean and dry. “Hungry it is,” he said. Brett grabbed a clean bottle and prepared some formula, then he settled into the rocking chair with Betty.

After a bottle and a burp, Brett rocked Betty until she was back to sleep. He placed her back in the crib and gave her a little kiss on the head. He still couldn’t believe he was a dad. Since he didn’t feel like going back to sleep, Brett grabbed his phone and sat on the couch in the living room. He had three unheard voicemails and five unread texts. Not unusual for him. He opened his texts and saw three had been sent to him by a person known only in his contacts as “The Bitch.”

Brett didn’t even read the messages and swiped left to erase them away. Brett had nothing to say to his mother, nor did he want to hear anything from her. She never wanted to be his mother when he was growing up. He wasn’t going to suddenly let her back into his life now that he was a father. He closed his eyes for just a minute.

And then he heard the baby crying again.

“Fuck…” Brett said. He let Billy sleep and changed the impossibly full diaper.

The light of a new day brought with it another problem. Brett hadn’t had a cigarette since the baby arrived, and now he really wanted one. Billy always hated when Brett smoked. Now he’d be complaining that the baby would get sick from the scent of a cigarette on Brett’s clothes. Thinking about his mother always made him want a cigarette. He didn’t smoke often, but when he did it was always a sign that the stress was getting to him.

Brett was too awake to go back to sleep, but too tired to do much more than lie there next to Billy. He admired Billy’s frame as he lay there. Billy was still on his side facing away from Brett. Billy had what he liked to call his cybernetic implants on his right arm. The continuous glucose monitor and the pod-style insulin pump had made caring for his sugar so much easier. Brett could check Billy’s glucose level from his phone. No more finger sticks and no more wires or hoses for his pump. It was always fun to find out where on his body Billy would place the new pump every three days. Would it be on his arm? His back or belly? His thigh? It was the little things that made life enjoyable.

Brett snuggled against his husband for about thirty seconds when the familiar sound of a baby crying filled the apartment. Brett smiled and poked Billy on the shoulder.

“Your turn,” Brett said.

“I’ll give you a hundred dollars if you go,” Billy said.

“We have a joint bank account,” Brett replied.

Billy groaned. He kicked the blanket off and sat upright. Reluctantly, he stood up.

“Babe… pants,” Brett said.

Billy searched the floor and found the pajama pants he’d left there the previous night. Brett didn’t mind the view of his naked husband, but they didn’t want to traumatize the baby.

“Two hundred?” Billy asked as he pulled his pants up and grabbed a shirt.

Brett just flipped him off and rolled onto Billy’s side of the bed.

“Don’t steal my warmth!” Billy said, laughing.

Brett just wrapped himself up like a burrito in the blankets.

Later that morning, when both of them were awake, Betty finally decided to get some solid sleep.

“It’s like she knows,” Brett said. “When’s your mom coming over?”

“She said she’d be here about eleven,” Billy said. “And speaking of mothers…”

“Were we speaking of them?” Brett said.

“Your phone rang again while you were sleeping.”

“Oh?” Brett replied. “Let’s see here…” Brett found his phone, opened his voicemails, and promptly deleted the one from his mother.

“That takes care of the trash. Is Dustin coming over today?”

Billy just looked at Brett. “You’re not even going to check?”

“Why would I do that?”

“She is your mother.”

“Is she?” Brett asked. “I hadn’t noticed. I mean, she didn’t want to be a mother all these years. Why would I want her in my life now?”

“Brett, no one knows better than me what a mess she made of things…”

“Then you agree with me that she can go fuck herself.”

“I just… I don’t worry about her. I just see what it’s done to you.”

“I’m fine,” Brett insisted. “And I don’t owe her anything. Especially our daughter.”

Billy’s phone buzzed before he could respond. “Mom’s here,” he said. “Go put on a shirt.”

“She’s seen it all before,” Brett said.

“That doesn’t mean she wants to see it again,” Billy replied.

Paula arrived at the door carrying two large bags in her hands.

“Mom, you didn’t have to bring anything.”

“If it’s food, yes she did!” Brett called from the bedroom.

Billy laughed with his mom. “I swear, it’s like he doesn’t get fed around here.”

Brett emerged from the bedroom wearing proper ‘mother-in-law is here’ attire.

“And where is my granddaughter?” Paula asked.

“Sleeping for the first time in days,” Brett replied.

“Don’t worry. That’ll change over time.”

“By ‘over time’ do you mean anytime soon?”

Once Paula had placed the groceries she’d bought away, she went to the nursery and returned with the baby. “There’s grandma’s little princess!” she said.

“Look, babe,” Brett said. “Our adorable little poop factory is awake.”

“We shovel it in, and she shovels it out,” Billy replied.

“I’ve lost count on the number of poopy diapers I’ve changed,” Brett said.

“Because you are good daddies,” Paula replied. “And speaking of parents, I got a phone call from your mother yesterday, Brett.”

“You didn’t answer did you?”

“Of course I answered. She wanted to know how you boys were doing. I guess someone must have told her about the baby.”

“Mom, Brett’s trying to go no contact with her.”

“I know that,” Paula replied. “I knew things were frosty between you, but I had no idea it had become so permanent.”

“I don’t know. Maybe it was a bad idea to cut her off completely,” Brett said.

“She lied to you your whole life, Brett,” Billy said.

“And I’ve punished her for it,” Brett replied. “I mean, I’m not ready to get together for lunch or anything, but… I mean… I don’t know. It’s not like she beat me or anything.”

“She neglected you. She hid your father from you for years. She broke up Joey’s family. She’s kind of responsible for what happened to him…”

“Now Billy,” Paula interrupted. “I don’t think that’s entirely fair. Joey had bigger problems than his parents’ issues.”

Brett sighed. “I just… I don’t want to hate somebody, even if they were terrible, for the rest of my life.”

The conversation was interrupted by the doorbell.

“That’ll be Dustin and Nate,” Brett said.

Billy opened the door and two very eager young men entered the house.

“Where is my niece?” Dustin demanded. He beamed when Paula handed the baby to him.

“Hi! I’m Uncle Dustin!” he said. “We’re going to be best friends. I have stories to tell you about your dads…”

“No, you don’t!” Billy replied, blushing.

“He’s a good uncle,” Nate said. “Amanda’s kids adore him.”

“I’m still disappointed you didn’t go with ‘Dustina’ for the name,” Dustin said, giving Betty a bottle.

“I think your grandma would be touched by her middle name,” Paula replied.

“Ms. Helen was the grandmother I needed when I moved to the Mon Valley,” Brett said. “She always made me feel like part of the family.”

“She made everybody feel that way,” Dustin said. “I think half the reason I became friends with Billy was because of her cooking.”

“What are you trying to say?” Billy protested.

“I’m saying your grandmother’s cooking made putting up with you more tolerable,” Dustin joked.

Billy rolled his eyes. “Who invited you?”

“Hey, not only am I a pro at feeding a baby, I can change a diaper too.”

“Oh? Okay, then you can stay,” Billy replied.

As lunchtime approached, Billy and Nate helped Paula in the kitchen while Brett and Dustin sat in the living room.

“Hey… You ever hear from your father?” Brett asked.

“Ol’ Frank… Nope. I keep hoping I’ll get the call someday when they tell me he’s dead.”

“Does he even know about his grandkids?”

“God no,” Dustin replied. “We have a simple rule in my family. If you raped me you don’t get invited to family functions.”

“He was such a monster. He makes my mother look like St. Teresa.”

“Well, it’s not exactly the neglect Olympics. Is it? Your mom did some terrible things to you. It’s not a competition.”

“I’m just saying… I… I don’t know. Maybe I’m doing the right thing by cutting her out of my life. But she’s been calling and then thinking about what kind of life I want for Betty… I don’t want my anger to rub off on her.”

“You don’t have to forgive her or forget what she did. Or in your case, what she didn’t do. There’s a reason you spent so much time with Billy’s grandma. Your mom basically dumped you on her as soon as she found out she was a nice person.”

“It wasn’t all bad,” Brett replied.

“It wasn’t all bad with Frank either. When it was good, it was okay. When it was bad, it was really bad.”

“Yeah… I don’t know what I want to do. I left for a reason. Paula is going to be an amazing grandmother, like her mom was to us. It’s like she was born for this. My mom? I kind of don’t want to even give her the satisfaction of being part of Betty’s life.”

“Did you know I still get anxiety when someone is nice to me?”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Like, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Every encounter I have with someone is shaped by what I went through. You do things too. You always try to fix people. You’re a perfectionist. And you’re the most critical person of yourself I’ve ever seen.”

“And I snore too loud too,” Brett replied sarcastically. “What’s the point?”

“So much of what we are is caused by what our parents did to us. And even when we think we’ve escaped, the guards are gone but the prison is still running. In here.” Dustin pointed to his temple. “You’ve poured yourself into those band kids of yours, like you’re determined to be the father you never had to them. And you try to keep everything professional. But then you end up calling Billy because you yelled at some kid in band camp. You run laps until you can barely walk. You give yourself away and you barely realize you need help sometimes too. And even when you do realize it you’re too ashamed or proud to ask for help.”

“So what should I do about it?”

“You should do what makes you happy for once in your life.”

“I… I don’t know what that is,” Brett admitted.

“No, because you’re too busy trying to make everyone else happy. You don’t owe your mom crap. If you want her to be part of Betty’s life, then you control that access. If you don’t? Then you control that too.”

“Hey Dustin! Can you give us a hand in here?” Billy called from the kitchen.

Dustin handed Betty over to Brett and immediately started clapping his hands.

“There you go! I gave you a hand!”

Brett didn’t have to see into the kitchen to know exactly what look was on Billy’s face. He sat back in his chair and closed his eyes with Betty resting on his shoulder. After a few minutes Billy came out to the living room and sat where Dustin had been.

“Dustin said I should come talk with you.”

“Did he now?”

“He’s worried about you. I am too,” Billy said. “This whole thing about your mom… This is what she does to you, babe. That’s why you went no contact in the first place.”

“Is it all her though? I mean, I know she was a terrible mother, but I was a shitty son too.”

“You were lied to for years.”

“Do you remember when I got into that fight with her and I made up that song?”

“The one where you wished she’d die in a car crash like your grandparents did?”

“Yeah,” Brett replied.

“Of course I remember.”

“That happened long before I realized she was lying to me about my father. I just wanted to be a dick to her. What did you think about me after I did that?”

“Honestly?”

“I wouldn’t have asked otherwise.”

“I thought you went too far.”

“You asked me why I did that shit to her and called me a douche bag, if I recall correctly.”

“That was a weird time before you got on meds. You can’t blame yourself for what you said. You were just a kid.”

“Billy, ADHD wasn’t the reason I did that shit. I wanted to hurt her. I wanted her to… I don’t know. It was a really terrible thing to do to someone, especially my own mother. I always say she didn’t want me, but that’s not really true. She wanted me, she just didn’t want to raise me. And for a while, she thought she had the solution. And then that crash on the L.I.E. happened and all of a sudden, she lost both her parents and she was stuck with me. She had a plan. It just blew up and she wasn’t ready to be my mom and my dad.”

“But that wasn’t an excuse for what she did.”

“No, but it was a reason. I guess it makes sense why we moved to Donora of all places after that. I mean, maybe she wanted me to get to know Jack and it just never worked out. And now we have a daughter, and we both have these busy lives. And now we’re counting on your mom to do what my grandparents did and help us raise Betty. And it’s like… Am I just repeating history?”

“You’re not your mom,” Billy insisted.

Brett sighed. “I need a fucking cigarette. And I don’t need you to tell me it’s bad for me.”

Billy sighed. “Give me the baby. Go get your cigarette.”

“No… I didn’t mean…”

Billy didn’t wait for Brett to act. He took Betty.

“I won’t say anything. If it calms your nerves go smoke.”

Brett grabbed his phone and the pack of cigarettes he knew Billy knew about but hid anyway. He sat on the back porch and lit his cigarette. Why did life have to be so complicated?

His phone rang. He checked it and sighed.

“The Bitch” again.

He thought about ignoring her once again. But what would that prove? All it would do is keep his stress up. He pressed the green answer button.

“I thought I made it clear I didn’t want to talk to you,” Brett said.

“And you were never going to tell me about the baby?” Jen replied.

“You were never going to tell me about my father. Maybe I was going to tell you when she was about to graduate from high school. That seems fair.”

“I suppose it does,” Jen replied.

“Oh? So you are finally starting to get why I wouldn’t want to talk to you?”

“I always understood it. I made a real mess of things. I’m not oblivious.”

“You could have fooled me. So why have you been calling?”

“Brett… I know I can’t make things right with one phone call or one visit. I don’t know how to make up for eighteen years of lies.”

“Here’s an idea. It’s crazy, I know. You could start making up for it by telling the truth from now on. You could take responsibility for what you did. I mean, it wasn’t just the lies. I always came second after your career, and don’t try to tell me that wasn’t the case. You pushed me off to my grandparents for the first years of my life. And when we moved to the Mon Valley, you were more than happy to shove me off to Billy’s grandma. You just bought me shit and figured that would be enough to make up for the years of neglect.”

“I’m trying to answer you like a mother and not a psychiatrist. I know you felt like I was deflecting when I would analyze our issues.”

“And how did you feel about that?” Brett asked.

“I felt like I was trying my best to help you, but my way of doing it made you feel even more abandoned. I remember when you said I needed to treat you like my son and not like a patient. But I am a psychiatrist. That’s the mother you got stuck with. Analyzing people is what I do.”

“I know I wasn’t the easiest kid to raise, even in ideal circumstances. I would have had ADHD and dyslexia even if my father was around. I would have still had anger issues. Maybe they wouldn’t have been so severe if I felt seen more. I don’t know. I just… I want you to know that I said and did things I regret too. The song. That’s the one I regret the most.”

“The car crash song?” Jen asked.

“Yeah. I apologize for that. I didn’t mean anything I said that day.”

“No, I think you meant some of it,” Jen replied. “And I deserved a lot of that anger.”

“Well, not that level of anger. I barely remember what set me off that day.”

“I slapped you for calling me a bitch,” Jen said. “And you were going through withdrawal from pot at the time. I can understand the reasons you did what you did and still feel hurt by it.”

“Well whatever the reason, it was a really shitty thing to do. And I am sorry about it.”

“Well obviously I think the biggest regret I have would be not telling you about Jack. And I had good reasons for hiding the truth from you. You weren’t the only one I hurt with those lies. The worst part was that I knew I was doing the wrong thing. But the longer the lies festered, the worse the consequences for the truth became. And then Billy got involved and that just added another layer of lies. I was just trying to hold on to what I had left, and in the end I lost it all anyway.”

“Making Billy lie to me is one of the things I don’t know if I can ever get over. We almost lost everything we worked so hard for because of that. And the worst part was you knew about his autism before he did, and you used that knowledge against him.”

“Like you said, it was a really shitty thing to do. And I’m so sorry I did that. I think Billy is an amazing young man. I always have. The least surprising thing about that time is that Billy figured out the truth on his own.”

“He’s the smartest person I know, that’s for sure. But he’s also kind, and he’s like his dad in so many ways. And he’s not only my husband, he’s still my best friend.”

“Okay, I hate to defend myself here, but I do think trusting Billy’s family with you when I needed them was a net positive. Paula and George were better parents than I ever was. I know it didn’t end well with me and Paula. Frankly, it didn’t end well with anyone from there. But I always did respect her abilities. If she’s anything like her mother she’ll be an excellent grandmother.”

“She is,” Brett replied. “She’s here now, actually. And I’ve been sitting on the porch so long they’re going to send out a search party soon.”

“Well I don’t want to keep you,” Jen said. “I’m just so glad you answered. I hope this can be the beginning of us moving toward a better place together.”

“I’d like that,” Brett answered.

“So… Does the baby have a name or…”

“Oh, good lord!” Brett laughed. “Elizabeth Helen Reilly-Roberts. I guess I just thought Paula would have told you.”

“I’m pretty far out of the loop nowadays. That’s a pretty name.”

“We call her Betty. It keeps the “B” names going in the family.”

“I think that’s adorable. And I’m sure she is too. I really want to meet her, if you’ll let me.”

“I… I’ll think about it. I’m not saying no. I’m just saying I need some time to process.”

“I understand. I’m proud of the man you’ve become.”

“I appreciate that.”

Brett sat on the back porch for a while longer after the phone call. He felt like a great burden had been lifted off his mind. His relationship with his mother was always more complex than it should have been.

The sound of the back door opening brought Brett out of his thoughts. It was Nate.

“Hey, lunch is ready,” Nate said.

“Okay,” Brett said.

“You coming?”

“Yeah. I just… Hey… When you decided to become a pastor, you said you wanted to help the people your dad hurt.”

“I did.”

“What about you? You were the one he hurt worst of all.”

“Yeah, I guess he did. But I can’t exactly be my own pastor.”

“So what do you do? To help yourself, I mean?”

“I see a therapist every month. I have accountability partners. I let others care for me.”

“I see,” Brett replied. “Has it worked?”

“I think so. I’m not ready to let my dad back into my life, but I don’t let anger and hatred rule me.”

“Okay. Thanks. I’ll be right in,” Brett said. As Nate went back into the house, Brett grabbed his phone. He edited his contact information for his mom, changing her name from “The Bitch” to “Jennifer.” Then he sent a text to her.

“Okay, I’ve thought about it. I have a condition for you. I want us to see a family counselor together. I think we should do some healing together before we jump back into a relationship that was toxic for so long. What do you say?”

Brett hit send. He was surprised when the response came back almost immediately.

“I think that’s a good idea. I’m glad we talked. I hope it’s just the beginning.”

Brett crushed out his cigarette and joined everyone back inside.

“You smell like cigarettes,” Billy said.

Brett just smiled. Of course Billy would say that. He could always count on Billy to be predictable. He was beginning to realize how important that was to him.