A Place In My Heart - 5. Chapter 5 – Irreconcilable Differences

Another school year had ended and our summer vacation had begun. Jordan and I went back to work for his father, although we didn’t see Dad K around very much at work, but his foreman took good care of us. They were building another house, but it was different enough from the Koontz’s house that it didn’t rekindle any old memories. I was staying at my house during the week and only spent weekends with Jordan. The boys were almost back to normal too, but their dad was still extremely depressed and had lost most of his old spark. I figured he just needed a little longer time to get over his grief, since he had been with Mom K longer and they had meant so much to each other.

Weekends, however, were spent participating in many of our old activities. Jordan and I played ball with our friends, hung out at the mall and the arcade, took dates to the movies and we went to basketball camp again. Speaking of camp, it was held in July this year because some of the coaches had to juggle it around other commitments. Near the end of July, my dad drove us there and took us in when we registered. The same guy was at the registration table, the one who had been so good to us the previous summer, and he must have remembered our situation from back then. For that reason, he assigned us to share a room again, which was definitely against policy. Those in charge of the clinic wanted the participants to team up with a stranger, so they could broaden their social development, as well as their basketball skills. Jordan and I, however, weren’t about to complain about him allowing us to be in with each other again.

I had originally thought about not going to camp this year, now that I’d decided basketball wasn’t my sport, but Jordan talked me into doing it, of course. He told me that I should come and try to develop my ball handling and outside shooting skills, since he was hoping we might end up being the point and shooting guards this season. Jordan would be the point guard, but he was hoping I could improve enough to be the shooting guard. I doubted I’d ever get to be good enough for that, but Jordan said he’d work with me too, even after we returned home. I figured what the hell have I got to lose, except what it cost me to attend the camp, but if it makes Jordan happy, so much the better.

The coaches worked me really hard and spent a great deal of individual time trying to improve my shooting skills. I was very happy they were doing this, and I showed considerable progress in both shooting and my ball handling skills. I even received a lot of praise from the coaching staff for my effort and a whole bunch of smiles from Jordan, as he also reveled in my success. I might not be a starting guard, but now I think I can help the team at this position more than I did last year at the forward spot.

On the evenings when nothing else was planned, Jordan would take me down to the gym, so he could work with me some more. We would also play on the same team during pick-up games, when the other gym rats showed up. I guess he was paying me back for my bench support during last season, as well as what I had done for him after his mother died.

All too soon, the camp came to a close. In my final evaluation, the coaches told me that if I kept up the hard work, like I had at camp, then I had the potential to become a decent guard. Now mind you, he said decent guard, not a great or outstanding guard, but for me that was good enough. I didn’t have to sit in on Jordan’s evaluation to realize the coaches most likely categorized him as being in the later group, outstanding guard, but I was thrilled for him. I was also proud that he was my best friend.

My dad picked us up on Sunday morning and we went back to work the following Monday. A couple of weekends later, I was staying over with Jordan, as usual, but we hadn’t done much of anything of a sexual nature since I gave him my butt, shortly before his mother died. He seemed cool with it and so was I, and we went to bed that night, sleeping side by side, as we usually did. We started out talking about camp, work, school, friends and a whole bunch of other things, since neither of us was ready to fall asleep.

About an hour had passed and we were still talking, when I realized I was getting tired. I told Jordan that I wanted to get some rest, and before I knew what was happening, he threw his arm across my chest, placed his hands on both sides of my face, pulled my head toward him and gave me a long, passionate kiss. I was completely shocked, but I remained in control and didn’t over react, until I felt his tongue trying to pry open my clasped lips. At that point, I broke from his grasp, got out of bed and just stood there staring at him.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing,” I screamed, slightly upset by his actions.

“Calm down, Tony. I was only trying to give you a little kiss,” he reasoned.

“That wasn’t a little kiss,” I countered. “When the tongue gets involved, that’s more than a little kiss.”

“But I love you, Tony, and I just wanted to show you how much,” he practically whined.

“Hey, what have I told you about this love talk, Jordan. I mean, I love you like a brother, but brothers don’t kiss the way you were trying to kiss me. I’m not into bromances, so I hope you aren’t going queer on me. Are you?”

Jordan looked down at the bed and didn’t answer me right away. He was fiddling with the bedding and his head swayed almost imperceptibly from side to side. After a really long pause, he finally answered me.

“What if I was?” he offered. “I love you, Tony, and I just want to show you that.”

“I told you before, I ain’t doing none of that fag shit,” I reminded him. “I ain’t a goddamn homo.”

“But all those things we’ve done to and for each other, doesn’t that…” I cut him off before he finished his comment, because I didn’t want to hear where this was going.

“Look, bud. I did those things for you as a friend, not as a lover,” I explained. “I told you repeatedly that I wasn’t gay and those were probably the only times I would do that shit with you. I told you, up front, that I wasn’t going to be any guy’s boyfriend and I definitely haven’t changed my mind. I only did it to help you out and to try to lift your spirits when you were down. I told you before that no one’s ever going to call me a fag.”

“I can’t help myself, Tony. I love you,” he stated, and it nearly sounded as if he was pleading with me. “I’ve loved you for the longest time and want to be with you. I want to be near you and I want to show you my love.”

“Hey, man, I don’t want to hear any more talk like this,” I warned him. “If you can’t get your shit together, then I’m out of here.”

“You mean… you mean that… you’d leave me?” he responded, with his eyes the size of saucers.

“Damn straight I would,” I confirmed. “Unless you get out of this queer mode that you’re in and quickly, then I’m out of here.”

“But I love…” I cut him off again.

“Look, dude. It was fun while it lasted, but we’re not doing any more of that gay stuff. Is that clear?” I pressed. “I like you as a friend and you’re just like a brother to me, but I want to leave it at that. If you can accept this and see we’re brothers, not lovers, then we’re cool. If you can’t, then I’m gone.”

Jordan started to cry and he slumped down on the bed. The tears were streaming down his cheeks and his face had the saddest expression I’ve ever seen. I mean I’ve seen Jordan sad before, but never like this. It made me wonder what the hell was going on in his mind. He’s not queer. Hell, we double date all the time, with girls that is, and I’ve seen him make out before. He’s not queer, so what’s come over him all of a sudden?

“I don’t… Tony, I… well, I… don’t know… if I can,” he stammered as he leapt off the bed.

He then walked around to where I was standing and tried to hug me again. I wasn’t sure if I should let him, but brothers hug, so I didn’t push him away.

“Jordan, listen to me bud. You’re not gay,” I stated, as strongly as I could. “You know it and I know it. I don’t understand why you’re doing this. What the hell is going on?”

“Tony, I… I…” he was struggling to say something, but couldn’t get the words to come out. He just kept looking at me, making sad faces, but he wasn’t able to say a word.

“What Jordan? What is it? Just tell me and I’ll try to understand and help you,” I offered. “I can’t do that though, if you’re going to get all gushy and go faggy on me.”

He struggled with this a while longer, but I wasn’t sure if he was organizing his thoughts or if he was trying to find the courage to speak, but he finally spit it out.

“Tony, I am gay,” he blurted out, but then turned slightly away from me as he continued speaking. “I’m gay and I’ve known it for a while now. I also love you. Damn it. There I’ve said it. That’s the way I feel and there is nothing I can do to change it.”

“Come on, man. Quit pulling my leg,” I countered. “You’re not gay. You date and make out with girls. You’re just trying to fool your old buddy here and playing a joke on me, aren’t you?”

“No, Tony, I’m not. I’ve already fooled people by making them think I’m straight, but I’m gay,” he replied. “I’ve known it since we were little and I’ve finally accepted the fact. I’ve known since fifth grade that I was attracted to boys, mainly you, but I haven’t been able to admit it to anyone other than myself until now. Going out with those girls was just a cover, so no one would guess I was gay. Why do you think I talked you into doing all of those things with me over the past few years? Look, because I knew I was gay, I realized that making it sound like we were just practicing for the girls was the only way I could talk you into having sex with me. Even though I wasn’t being completely honest, it was the only way I knew that would allow us to make love to each other.”

“What?” my mouth dropped open and I fumbled with my thoughts. “I thought… well… I thought we were just practicing for our girlfriends. I didn’t know you felt that way, because if I did, it would never have happened. None of it!”

Jordan was looking at the floor as I was speaking to him, but he continued to do the same thing as he responded to me.

“I know. That’s why I told you all those things, so you would do that stuff with me,” he confessed. “All I really wanted was to make love to you.”

“Are you fucking out of your mind?” I screeched. “You’re telling me you got me to do all of that fag shit with you just so you could… you know… fuck me?”

He was still looking at the floor.

“Basically, but I wanted to do all that other stuff with you too,” he answered meekly.

“You sick bastard. You sick fucking bastard!” I screamed. “Get the fuck away from me and don’t ever come near me again. I’m getting my things together and leaving. I don’t ever want you to try to speak to me or get near me again! Do you understand?”

“But Tony I love you,” he protested.

I didn’t want to hear any more, so I held up my hand in front of his face, to let him know I didn’t want him to say another word. When I lowered my arm, he spoke again.

“But what about sports?” he wondered.

“Maybe I won’t fucking play any fucking sports,” I replied. “If I do, then we are to stay clear of each other. I’ll talk to you just enough to play the game, but you are to stay away from me at all other times, especially in the showers. I’m not your fucking friend anymore and I’m definitely not your fag lover.”

“But Tony…” he whined, but I cut him off.

“No more fucking buts… of any kind,” I responded. “I’m gone, dude, so keep the fuck away from me.”

I grabbed my things and was out the door in a flash. I could hear Jordan calling to me from behind, but I ignored him. Did he really think I would go for that shit? I’d told him all along that I wasn’t queer, so why would he ever think I’d go along with it? He is one sick motherfucker.

I walked home in the dark, but I didn’t go into the house, since I didn’t want to explain to my parents about why I came home in the middle of the night. Instead, I ended up sleeping on a lounge chair in the backyard, but I moved it to a spot where they most likely wouldn’t notice me. The next morning, I waited until after my parents went to work before I went inside, but I wasn’t about to go back to Jordan’s house again.

I avoided him at work and asked the foreman to please work us on different jobs. He looked very confused, since he knew how close we had always been, but he told me if that’s what I wanted, then that’s what he’d do. My parents kept asking me what was wrong and why we weren’t spending time with each other, but I couldn’t tell them either. How the hell could I let anyone know that I let Jordan talk me into doing all that faggy shit with him? God, I’d die if anyone ever found out!

When school started again in the fall, I was actually thankful that we wouldn’t have any of the same classes this year. The only period we had in common was lunch, so I’d always sit on the other side of the cafeteria from where he was, but I often caught him looking at me. God, he looked so sad and pathetic and I had to admit that I missed him terribly. We had always been friends and I felt badly for him, and even though I wanted to make him feel better, I wasn’t going to become a fag and do any of that queer shit with him again.

Football was even tougher on us. The coach wanted Jordan and me to be team captains, but I refused. In order to explain this, I simply told the coach that I had too many other responsibilities to take on that role. I said I needed the extra time to keep up with my studies and couldn’t be responsible for keeping my teammates in line or trying to get them psyched up for the games. He said he was disappointed, but understood, and he honored my request.

During calisthenics I would line up on the opposite side of the group, the side away from Jordan. Being the captain he was always out in front so it wasn’t hard to avoid him. Then, after practices, I would hold back and let everyone else use the locker room first, so Jordan was usually gone by the time that I entered the shower. One day he waited and tried to speak with me, but I told him to just go away and leave me alone. I left him standing there, pleading with me, as I went to the showers.

When I came back from cleaning up, the place was totally empty except for Jordan. He was sitting in the far corner of the locker room, crying his eyes out and occasionally glancing up to see if I’d had a change of heart. I couldn’t help but feel badly and wondered how I could hurt him this way, especially after how close we’d been. The problem was, I couldn’t encourage his fantasies either, could I? If he wanted to be friends, then he just had to give up this homo phase that he was going through first.

After one of our games, Justin, not Jordan, cornered me and wanted to talk.

“Tony. Where have you been hiding?” he wanted to know.

“Oh, around,” I answered, evasively.

“Why don’t you come over anymore?” he pressed. “Did you and Jordy have a fight? You did, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, I guess you could say that,” I responded, cryptically.

“What about?” he wondered.

“That’s just between your brother and me,” I told him.

“You know he’s really hurting,” Justin explained. “He spends almost all of his time alone in his room and a lot of times I can hear him crying in there.”

“I’m truly sorry about that, Justin, but there’s nothing I can do about it,” I replied. “Maybe someday we can patch things up, but not right now.”

“You mean it was that bad that you can’t forgive him?” Justin countered, since he couldn’t believe anything could be that bad that we couldn’t make up.

“Not yet, but maybe in the future,” I offered, hoping he’d let this drop.

“But I miss you too and dad’s been asking where you’ve been,” Justin continued.

“I’m really sorry about that. I truly am,” I offered. “You know, Justin, you can always come down and stay with me at my house any time you want. Please tell your dad that I said hi and maybe we can get together some time too.”

“Tony, you know I couldn’t come down to stay with you and leave Jordan alone,” he reasoned, “especially the way he’s acting now. As much as I’d love to see you and hang out with you, I couldn’t hurt Jordy like that. What happened with you two? When mom died, well… we wouldn’t have survived without you. You were so strong and I remember all of those nights that you held us and made us feel loved. Even dad couldn’t do that for us, because he was hurting so much himself. What could Jordan have possibly done that would make you hate him so much that you would turn your back on all of us? Damn, you’re like my brother and I want to spend time with both of my brothers, not just one at a time.”

“Justin, I’m not turning my back on all of you, it’s… well… it’s just that I can’t talk about it or deal with it right now,” I told him. “This is really hard on me too. Maybe someday I’ll be able to make things better, but not now. Look, little bro, you can still count on me if you need anything, but for now Jordan and I have to stay apart until we work this out. We’re all still family and that won’t change, but we just can’t be around each other at the moment.”

“But how can you work things out if you two aren’t spending any time together or speaking to each other?” Justin pointed out.

“We just have to work things out in our minds first,” I offered. “Just don’t worry about it, Justin, and I’ll see you around. I love you, little brother.”

What did I just say? Did I tell Justin I loved him? Well, I guess I do… like a brother, but I’ve got to cut that shit out or I’m going to start sounding like Jordan.

Football season ended and we finished up at 6-2. Jordan’s heart was never into the season, and if our team hadn’t been so much stronger and better than some of the other teams, we might have done even worse. During lunch hour, I noticed that this other kid, I think his name is Brian Bowers, started to sit with Jordan and I’d heard rumors, as far back as 7^th grade, that he was gay. I guess maybe Jordan has found himself a new boyfriend, so maybe this will perk him up and he can stop sulking after me.

Basketball season started, and believe it or not, I actually made the team. Jordan was, now, a little over 6’ [183 cm] tall but I was still 5’ 11” [180 cm]. I went out for the team thinking I would be cut, so I wouldn’t have to deal with this. The coach, however, had been impressed with my improvement, so I was the back-up shooting guard. Actually, I was proud that I had done as well as I had and pleased that my hard work had paid off. In fact, the coach told me that, if I kept improving, I could even get to be the starting shooting guard before the end of the season. I never would have believed that a year ago.

It was a lot harder to avoid Jordan during basketball than it had been during football, but that was mainly due to the fact there were a lot fewer players. This meant I wasn’t able to put a bunch of bodies between us, but he seemed to have accepted our split and hadn’t approached me since the locker room incident in football. I could tell he still was hurting though, because his heart wasn’t into basketball either and there was a chance he might even lose his starting position. I really felt bad seeing him like this, but I just couldn’t see any way I could make him feel better without making him think that I was changing my mind and leading him on. There was no other way to do it, other than just keep my distance from him. It was the only way I could deal with his homosexuality and feelings for me.

I also started dating this really cute girl during basketball season too. Her name was Amber Jones. She was about 5’5” [165 cm], blond hair cut short, blue eyes and a perfect smile. She also had blemish free, smooth skin that was a golden tan, and a fantastic body with nice firm tits. She was also really funny and had a great personality. We also had a couple of classes together, including lunch, so I got to see her quite often during the school day. In addition to her other qualities, she was also a female jock. She played on the girls’ soccer, volleyball and tennis teams. Hey, those aren’t my sports, but maybe we’d be able to find a common sport where we could exercise together, if you get my drift.

We were currently heading into the holidays and I knew we’d all be facing some tough times ahead. I couldn’t remember ever spending a holiday without being with Jordan’s family and I knew they hadn’t spent one without me either. I was already dreading the long holiday break, even more so since I found out that Amber was going to be gone the entire time. Her family had recently moved here from another state and her father had taken his vacation over Christmas break, so they could fly back and spend the holiday with their relatives. They were leaving the day before Christmas and wouldn’t be back until late New Year’s Day. This could turn out to be a very sad and extremely lonely Christmas.

I wouldn’t be totally alone though, because I’d still be with my parents, but due to their work schedules, we’d probably only spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, along with New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day with each other. That would leave all the in between times for me to be by myself, at least until they arrived home from work. Damn, I was getting depressed already and the holiday hadn’t even started yet. I guess I’d have to talk to some of my other friends at school to see what they had planned, so I might be able to work my way into some of their activities.

Oh, God. There’s Jordan, sitting at a cafeteria table with Brian, but he’s staring at me. Why can’t he just give up and leave me alone?