A Place In My Heart - 6. Chapter 6 – Never the Twain Shall Meet

I was right. Christmas was a real bummer. I’ve never been so depressed or felt so alone as I did during the week between Christmas and New Year’s. I never thought I’d hear myself say this, but I was glad the holidays were over and school was starting again.

The first weekend after Christmas break, I took Amber to the school dance and we were able to slip away for a while. We started out with some passionate kissing and doing the old tongue tango, which got really serious and quite heavy. While we were kissing, I slipped my hand under her sweater and was able to feel her tits without her complaining. She wasn’t wearing a bra that night either, which I can only guess she did on purpose, so it was all bare skin under my explorative touch.

I guess my feeling her up must have given her courage level a boost, because the next thing I knew she was stroking my hard cock through my jeans. Man, I almost shot my load right there. Even though we were both enjoying ourselves, all good things must come to an end and we realized we had to get back to the dance before we were missed. I left that session hoping we could even go a step further on our next date.

We went back into the dance and they were playing a slow song, so I grabbed her in my arms and held her as closely as I could. When that song ended, they played a faster song and we stayed on the dance floor. I watched her every move closely and began to realize that she looked like Jordan had when we were in 7^th grade. Her coloring, smile, attitude and even her personality were just like his. Wait, why the hell was I thinking about him at a time like this?

Was I actually comparing my girlfriend to my former best friend? Was it possible that I started dating Amber because she was a female copy of Jordan? Did I do this subconsciously or was it merely a coincidence? Even if I did it subconsciously, what would it actually mean? Would it tell me that I really wanted to be with Jordan or would it mean I missed him so much that I was merely trying to duplicate him? My mind was reeling from all of these thoughts, so I decided it was time to shift my focus to something else, before I totally lost it.

The dance ended, but I couldn’t walk Amber home, because her dad was picking her up in front of the school. Oh, well, maybe next time. Anyway, I started walking to my house and the entire time all I could think about was how much she looked like Jordan. Hell, she could have even passed for his twin sister. Man, this was getting really strange and even a little spooky. Why was I still thinking about him? Why couldn’t I get him out of my mind?

A couple of weeks later, after a basketball practice, I heard some interesting news. It seemed the word was out that Brian Bowers and most of the school knew he was definitely gay. I guess it happened when he was taking one of his books out of his backpack in class when a magazine fell out of it and landed on the floor. It turned out to be a gay magazine, which was filled with all kinds of pictures of scantily clad guys, and I guess everybody that sat near him saw it before he could stuff it back into his backpack. They quickly informed the others in the class about it, so before long everyone in the room knew about him.

They said he turned a glowing red for the rest of the period and even tried to slink down in his seat, as everyone else either stared at him or started to talk about what had happened. From what I could tell, almost everyone at school knew about this now, so Jordan had better stay aloof and keep away from Brian or everyone was going to find out about him too. I’d never say anything about him myself, because I realized how miserable some of these pricks could be if they thought someone was gay. I’d never want to be the one to cause Jordan to go through that kind of pain or humiliation, even if he was queer.

Basketball season finally ended and we finished the season 10-4, but I never got the starting guard job. I played a lot more during the final games of the season though, so I guess the coach felt I had been improving. In fact, my outside shooting was getting better all the time, but I still had to work on my ball handling some more.

Jordan didn’t lose his starting spot either, but his playing time got reduced considerably. In the past, he had played nearly every minute of every game, but by the end of the season he was getting a healthy breather in the middle of both halves. I’m not sure if it bothered him though, because most of the time he acted as if he didn’t even want to be there and that definitely wasn’t like Jordan. He had always been so competitive that everything we did turned into a contest, from who could get ready for bed first to who woke up earliest the next morning. He had always been so competitive in everything he did that it was hard for me to see him losing his edge.

Things started getting worse for Brian as well. Some of the upperclassmen decided it was their duty to torture the ‘little fag boy,’ so when he was in the hall they’d knock him into other people or shove him into the lockers. In the cafeteria, they would trip him or knock his tray out of his hands, and even though I was disgusted watching this, I didn’t do anything to stop them. I actually wanted to help Brian out, but I knew his tormentors would turn on me instead and think I was a fag too. Even if the kid was gay, he still didn’t deserve to be treated this way.

I noticed he and Jordan weren’t sitting together at lunch any longer and eventually I didn’t see Brian during the lunch hour at all. I guess he decided it would be safer to go home for lunch or eat out. I couldn’t blame him though, but it just encouraged the assholes to be even more merciless to him in the hallways. If it got any worse, he was going to need an armed escort just to get to and from class. I even heard that one of those creeps beat him up one day after school and claimed that Brian tried to hit on him and wouldn’t take no for an answer. Hardly anyone believed that story though and most people thought it was just an excuse to beat up the queer. There were a growing number of people who were becoming disgusted with the antics of these upperclassmen, but nobody seemed to have the balls to stand up to them. For Brian’s sake, I hoped that someone would and soon.

Getting back to Amber, things were progressing very nicely for us, although there were some problems. First of all, we had to learn to deal with the fact that her parents were kind of strict and didn’t want to give us a lot of time to do things alone. We tried to neutralize this fact by helping them get to know me better. I even agreed to go to her house to meet her parents and had taken her home to meet mine.

My mother loved her and told me Amber was not only very cute, but she was also happy that I had found such a nice, young girl. My father gave me the sign that he approved of her and I even noticed him staring at Amber a lot. In fact, I think that if my father had been my age, he would have tried to cut in on my action. Wouldn’t that have been weird?

Anyway, Amber told me she would be spending the next weekend staying with one of her girlfriends, Nicole. It seemed that Nicole’s parents were going out of town for the weekend, although Amber hadn’t shared that fact with her parents. Nicole was inviting her boyfriend over and Amber wanted me to come by too. That would leave all of us alone in Nicole’s house to do whatever we wanted, so it was a definite date for Saturday.

Every time I looked at Amber, I still couldn’t get it out of my mind how much she looked like Jordan, so maybe it was what first attracted me to her. I really couldn’t remember what I had been thinking about at the time, but I was sort of missing my best friend, so possibly I did use her to fill the void. I really liked her though and I guess I was hoping that I was going to get laid for the first time on Saturday. I mean my first time with a girl, because that time with Jordan doesn’t count - no way, no how.

That Friday in school, one of the juniors did stand up to one of the senior bullies when he was shoving Brian around. As I suspected though, the senior ended up beating the junior to a pulp and called him a faggot lover, butt fucker and a few other choice names as he was doing so. I’ll give the junior an A for guts, but he failed when it came to smarts. The senior got suspended from school for that stunt though, and there was a chance he might even be expelled for fighting. No matter what the school board did to him, however, it still left the rest of his group, so they’d probably be even tougher on Brian, as a way to exact revenge for their friend’s misfortune.

When Saturday night rolled around, I headed over to Nicole’s house for my date. Man, I was horny just thinking about it. The night started off slowly, but I didn’t let my hopes wane. We started out by sitting around eating pizza and drinking sodas, before Nicole put this ‘chick flick’ in the DVD. It didn’t seem to matter that neither her boyfriend nor I were interested in the movie though, because the girls thought it was the greatest. We sat through the entire thing and then each of us couples started to make out. Finally! It wasn’t long after that before I noticed Nicole and her boyfriend had disappeared, which made me think they went to her bedroom for some fun, so Amber and I snuck down to the basement recreation room for some privacy. It did seem appropriate, since I thought we might get in a little workout of sorts.

The light switch was on a dimmer, so we put it on very low, until there was just enough light that we wouldn’t trip over things. We started to make out and our hands were all over each other. We were kissing hard and my tongue was doing a dance across the inside of her mouth, as I let my oral muscle explore all those areas that had just opened up to me. Amber was trying to do the same thing, and during this time I started to lift her sweater up and over her head. We only broke our kiss long enough to get it off and then I resumed kissing her all around the face, before I began nibbling on her ear lobes and the soft underside of her neck.

Gradually, I worked my way down to her chest and moved to her pert breasts. I had a hell of a time undoing her bra, and after a heroic struggle, I got it off and dove for her nipple. I flicked my tongue out at it, as I had done with Jordan in the past. Damn! There I go again. Right in the middle of making out with Amber, I started thinking about Jordan again, when I shouldn’t have anything on my mind except my girlfriend and the pleasures we were enjoying. But wham – there was Jordan butting into my thoughts and popping up at the strangest moments. How was I going to get him out of my mind, once and for all? I’ll have to think this out later, but for now it was time for me to get back to work.

I started to suck on her tits again, just like a nursing infant. After I’d finished licking and sucking on both of her tits, she removed my shirt as well. Her hands roamed freely over both my chest and my back, as we rubbed our bare flesh against each other. I got bold and reached down and unsnapped her jeans and let my hand slide down under the waistband and into her panties. My middle finger slid lower, worked its way thru her pubes and was gliding up and down over the lips of her pussy.

Gradually, I let my finger work its way into her tunnel, as I eagerly played with her clit, before I began to finger fuck her. This seemed to embolden her and she reached over and unfastened my jeans as well and let her hand reach inside, past the elastic top of my boxer briefs and grasped my iron rod, which was already leaking with pre-cum. She started to stroke it up and down and we did this for another minute or so, before we stood up and discarded the remainder of our clothing. We then lowered our bodies back down to the floor, before I swung around into a 69 position with her.

I didn’t hesitate at all and began licking my way up her thighs, heading for her snatch. It took her a few seconds to catch on to what I was doing, but slowly she figured it out and started to lick my dick. I kept going, and when I reached her cunt, I let my tongue lick up and down the length of her slit. I continued that for a while, before I let my tongue dart in and out of her slippery hole, while getting my first taste of her juices. She was very wet and her pussy juices were kind of bitter, definitely not as sweet as Jordan’s pre-cum or cum. Damn! There I go again thinking about Jordan. What the hell was I doing?

I went back to work on her snatch and sucked on her clit, just as she started to mouth my dick. Suddenly, I had to stop what I was doing, pull up and give her a quick lesson on cock sucking. I guess, not having one herself, she had no idea about how to give good head. After the brief lesson, she continued to suck on my prick, but she just couldn’t get the hang of it. She wasn’t doing it as well as Jordan did it for me. Shit, there’s that name again.

I couldn’t take it any longer, so I pulled out of her mouth and swung around to get ready to mount her. I reached into my pants pocket and pulled out a condom, broke the foil pouch and slid it over my member. I was now prepared to pass through the ‘Pearly Gates.’ I lined my cock up with the opening to her cunt and slowly started to enter her. My penis slipped in fairly easily, and before long I had all 7.75” [19.7 cm] of my dick inside her cunt. She moaned a little when I entered her, but now she would feel all the pleasure I could give her with my throbbing prick.

I started out at a nice gentle rhythm, as I slid in and out of her fairly slippery tunnel. I was soon panting and pumping harder and harder, because it felt really great sliding back and forth in her snatch. The walls of her vagina didn’t caress my prick as tightly as the walls of Jordan’s rectum had, but… Ugggh, I was thinking of Jordan again. What the fuck was the matter with me?

Before long, I felt that burning, tingling sensation in my groin and knew I was getting ready to shoot my load. I stroked faster and faster, as I slid the entire length of my shaft in and out of her canal until I finally exploded and sent several strong waves of semen into the tip of the rubber. We humped for a little while longer and then I rolled off of her and lay beside her on the floor. We were both panting deeply and I rolled over, kissed her on the cheek and thanked her.

I was still lying there beside her, studying her face, when I realized she had the same type of nose as Jordan. Aaaahhh, I’d done it again. Here I should be enjoying my first time fucking a female, but I kept thinking about Jordan. What in hell was wrong with me? What we had just done was fun, it was exciting and it was great, but not quite as good as fucking Jordan’s ass… Oh my god, what did I just say to myself? Did I just admit that fucking Jordan’s ass was better than doing Amber? What the hell was wrong with me?

After a few seconds, I got my thoughts back together and we got dressed and went back upstairs to wait for Nicole and her boyfriend in the living room. We kissed some more and she told me how much she had enjoyed what we’d just done and how well she thought I’d performed. About 15 minutes later, the other pair strolled back into the room and suddenly blushed, when they realized we probably knew what they had just been doing. Seeing we were in the same place they had left us, they weren’t sure if we had done the jungle dance ourselves or were just content in making out. Oh well. What they don’t know won’t hurt them.

Eventually, the two of us guys left, but I ended up walking home alone. All the way back, I kept thinking about what happened earlier and unconsciously kept comparing what Amber and I had done tonight to what I’d done with Jordan. Damn! I’ve got to get over this. I was either going to drive myself crazy or turn out to be as queer as he was. That night, I slept soundly, but during the evening memories of what Jordan and I had done together kept invading my dreams.

Monday, we went back to school and I noticed there was a lot of whispering going on. I started to ask around about what was up when I heard the news. Brian Bowers had committed suicide! My god! I couldn’t believe it. I guess he couldn’t take all of the abuse anymore and decided suicide was the only way to check out of the Homophobic Hotel.

Suddenly, all I could think about was why couldn’t I have had the guts to stand up to those assholes and protected that poor kid? He wasn’t such a bad guy. It was just that he was gay. If he had been straight, he probably would have been popular and had a lot of friends. How could I… how could we… how could the whole damn school have allowed a handful of bullying gay bashers torture the kid for so long and so unmercifully, that he thought the only way out was to end his own life.

I was no longer feeling remorse over Brian’s death, because now I was angry. I was angry with all of us who had let this continue, but I was angrier yet with those fucking morons who had been responsible for harassing the poor kid. I was hoping, no I was praying that those merciless assholes get punished for this and it’s the most severe punishment possible.

After about an hour, I found out from someone else exactly what had happened. From what she told me, Saturday night Brian’s parents went out to dinner and he stayed home alone. They asked him to join them, but he declined saying he had other things that he wanted to do. From what the police could tell, he went upstairs, took one of his father’s shotguns, loaded it and took it out in the garage. Then, he put the barrel in his mouth and pulled the trigger.

When his parents returned home after dinner, his mother got out in front of the house and entered through the front door. Brian’s father, however, opened the garage door and had just started to pull the car inside when he saw his son’s lifeless body in the glow of the headlights. It must have been awful for his parents to find him like that. Hell, it would have been awful to find him dead no matter how it had happened. I’d be willing to bet they were blaming themselves and feeling guilty for going out and leaving him home alone, but if he was truly determined to kill himself, then there was nothing they could have done to stop it. If he hadn’t done it that night, then he would have merely found another way or another time.

Suddenly, I thought about Jordan. Shit! I wondered how he was handling the news. They had been friends and seemed to be fairly close. Fuck! Had I treated Jordan any better than those gay bashing assholes had treated Brian? Sure, I hadn’t beaten him up or tortured him, but what I did probably hurt him just as much. The pain I caused Jordan wasn’t physical, like with Brian, it was worse. I caused him the kind of pain that couldn’t be seen and was harder to treat. I emotionally abused him ever since that night he told me he loved me and that he was gay.

Suddenly, I was a man on a mission. I was looking all over the school for him when an announcement came over the PA system stating that all students were to go to the auditorium for an assembly. Shit! I had to find Jordan first. I had to see how he was and I needed to apologize for the way I’d treated him. I needed to let him know how I truly felt and assure him we were still friends. I had to let him know things weren’t so bad that he needed to consider the same drastic measure that Brian had taken. I desperately needed to find him, but it now looked as if I was just going to have to look for him at the assembly and then talk to him afterward.

I went into the auditorium and found a seat next to a couple of guys I knew. The principal entered shortly after that, walked up to the podium and began to speak.

“Students, if I may please have your attention. I imagine many of you have already heard the news about Brian Bowers. It was a very tragic situation and I’m sure there are quite a few of you that are coping with deep emotional issues concerning this tragic event. Due to what has happened, the school district will see to it that counselors are available in the guidance office. They will be there to talk to any students who want to discuss their feelings about Brian’s death or just wish to talk about the situation in general.

“Some students have recently come to my office and informed me about the way Brian had been treated during the past few weeks. Even though I, as principal, knew of isolated incidents that had happened, I wasn’t aware of the extent of the problem. I wish someone had come to me sooner and explained how serious this situation had become, because then I might have been able to prevent what happened. I promise, there will now be a full investigation into this matter and any students who have been involved with unlawful or harassing behavior will be dealt with severely. We are also cooperating fully with the local and state police on this matter, so criminal charges may also be filed.

“I am always saddened by the tragic loss of any member of our educational community, but it is even sadder when the loss is due to a self-inflicted wound, especially those which are the direct or indirect result of abuse or neglect. I wish to extend my condolences to Brian’s family and friends, and his family has asked me to announce there will be calling hours tonight from 7 – 9, closed casket of course. The funeral will be held at St. Michael’s tomorrow morning at 10:00 and I just ask that any students wishing to attend the funeral express their desire with my office sometime today, so we can credit you for an excused absence.

“Before I dismiss you to return to your homerooms, however, there is a student who asked me to allow him to speak with you. I wouldn’t normally consider or agree to this, but after a lengthy discussion with this individual and hearing what he plans to say, I’ve decided to make an exception to the rule. I think you all should listen to his remarks, because his message had a great impact on me when I heard it. I’m now turning the podium over to one of your fellow students, so he can make his remarks about this sad situation.”

I could tell the entire student body was doing the same thing that I was, in that they were trying to figure out who would speak out for Brian Bowers. Maybe it was that junior who tried to protect him or maybe Brian actually had another friend. We watched the side of the stage for the person to enter and I nearly fainted when I saw it was Jordan. Man, what was he doing? Was he trying to commit suicide too? Hasn’t he heard of death by bigot? I wanted to run up there and pull him off the stage, so I could protect his future, but it was too late. There was nothing I could do now.

“I think you all know who I am,” he began. “What I don’t believe you know is what I am.” My heart nearly stopped beating when he said those words. “I am, or I was, a friend of Brian Bowers. Not a good friend, mind you, because I didn’t have the guts to defend him or stand by his side when he needed me most. I was a cowardly friend who stood on the sidelines and watched as a group of animals singled him out and then attacked him for the kill. I watched them slowly torture Brian and strip from him every shred of self-worth and every ounce of decency that he harbored within his sweet, gentle soul. Brian was a very kind, very loving individual who had only one fault, one minor trait that many of you felt was beyond forgiveness. It was a trait that made him a marked man. Brian Bowers was gay.

“Most of you never really knew him,” he added. “You wouldn’t let yourselves get to know him simply because it was rumored that he was gay. You were afraid of the connotation the term held, but he was a decent, loving human being and a kinder soul you’d never find. He would do anything to help a person in need and wouldn’t harm a flea. Some of you out there, and you know who you are, couldn’t find it in your heart to accept this differences or wouldn’t treat him as a young man, nothing more.

“Some others went even further and felt that they had to punish him for being different,” Jordan continued. “They were the self-proclaimed and self-righteous defenders of morality that thought being gay was worse than being a thief or even a murderer. They, themselves, became the thieves and murderers when they robbed him of his humanity. before they killed his sweet, loving soul. Oh, they may not have pulled the trigger on the gun that ended his life, but they killed him just the same.

“I hope the law and the courts can properly deal with these bullies,” he added, “but just in case the system fails, there is a higher authority they will have to answer to one day. You may be able to fool the law or other people about your role in his death, but you won’t be able to fool God. He knows what thoughts blackened your hearts and consumed your souls. He knows the real reasons and motivations behind your actions. If I were you, I’d be shaking in my shoes knowing that I was going to face an eternity in hell because of that intolerance.

“Unfortunately, I may not be any less guilty,” he announced. “Brian and I became friends at the beginning of January and during that time I got to know him, came to love him and had a chance to understand what he was going through.”

There was an audible gasp throughout the auditorium when Jordan said he came to love him, but Jordan either didn’t notice or didn’t seem to care about how some of the other students had reacted.

“When the situation got bad and he was feeling hurt and alone, I abandoned him too, because I was afraid to face what I was,” he went on. “I stopped hanging out and talking to him, because I didn’t want the abuse to spread over to me. When he needed a friend the most, someone who could understand and empathize with what he was going through, I was anything but a friend. He called me earlier that Saturday and asked if I would come over and just talk to him, but I brushed him off by telling him I was too busy and didn’t have the time. I’m sure he knew it wasn’t because I had other plans. He knew I was afraid to take a stand and that I had turned my back on him too. I was afraid to announce to the world that I am also gay.”

There was another loud gasp and then the room started buzzing. I knew what was going through everyone’s mind at that moment, because it was also going through mine. Even though I knew that Jordan was gay, it didn’t stop me from following the same train of thought. After a fairly lengthy pause, Jordan started speaking again and everyone finally quieted down.

“I know some of you may find it hard to accept the fact that I’m gay. I’m not a wimpy, little nerd, as you tried to classify Brian. I’m an athlete, a very good athlete, and I’ve dated lots of girls. Well, I wish to apologize to those girls, because I misled them and used our time together to deflect suspicions about who I truly was. I dated all of those girls just to keep the rest of you from learning about my secret. However, after this I can’t keep that secret any longer. I can’t let you destroy some other person just because he’s different and doesn’t fit your mold.

“I don’t care whether it’s because of their sexual preference, race, religion, appearance, weight or anything else,” Jordan added. “Someone has to stand up and stop the intolerance before there’s no one left but the bigots. If I had stood up a week ago and made this announcement, poor Brian might still be alive today. If any of you bastards out there, the ones who drove Brian to commit this act want a piece of me, well you know where to find me. Be advised, however, that I’ll fight back and I’m not going to let you destroy me like you did him. If you want to take a shot at me, then you better be ready to get bloodied too.

“I just want to finish by saying that I’m sorry Brian,” Jordan stated, as his voice began to tremble and break. “I’m sorry for letting you down I’m sorry for letting myself down and I’m sorry for letting our school down. I hope someday we will meet again and you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me.”

As Jordan left the stage and went out the side door into the corridor, the principal announced that we were dismissed and we were expected to go directly to our homerooms. I couldn’t. I needed to go find Jordan. I fought through a sea of humanity and struggled to reach the location where he had left the auditorium. Finally, I got to that exit, and as I moved through the doorway, there was Jordan leaning against the wall, with his eyes closed. There were tears still running down his cheeks and cascading from his chin, before they formed small pools on the tile floor. I walked up beside him, put my arm around his shoulders and spoke.

“Do you think we can talk?”