The Root Beer Boys, Part Two - 8. Chapter 8

Tommy's Diary

January 2
Well, diary, it's a new year and nothing's changed. I still don't know who I'm more interested in, Nancy or Matthew. Boy, does THAT sound strange, even to me. I mean, Nancy is cute and a lot of fun to be with, and I really like her, and I'm SUPPOSED to like her. Or girls, at least. But Matthew is my best friend in the whole world, and I love him.

Gee, do I dare say that in here? What if somebody finds this? Shoot, I don't care. I don't think I'm gay or anything. I just know that I love Matthew. More than just as a friend, I mean. Of course, HE doesn't know that. HE doesn't know I've had a crush on him since I was 10. Whoa! That's 4 years!

He is just so much fun to be with. He has this really cute grin that just makes me feel good inside when he flashes it at me. And I feel happy every time I'm with him, especially when we're alone. We've had sleepovers, and its always a lot of fun. We can talk until the sun comes up and never get bored. He makes me feel important, and I think I do that for him, too. At least I try to.

We know everything about each other ... well, almost everything. There's only one secret between us, and that's just because I'm afraid of what he'll do if I tell him I love him. I hate not telling him, but I'd hate it worse if I lost him as a friend. He's too important.

We never do sex stuff, but that doesn't seem important. I don't think A&W do much more than beat off most of the time, so Matthew and I aren't missing much in that regard. But I would so love to be able to share the same bed and hold him and kiss his neck. But I'm afraid he doesn't feel the same way. Besides, if we did that and I got hard, what would he think? Would it really mean anything anyway? I mean, I get hard in history class and it sure isn't Mrs. A's fault.

January 10
I wonder how a guy knows if he's gay. How did A&W figure out they were gay? Sure, we told them we all knew they were in love with each other even before they knew it themselves, but we were only guessing. And I think most of us thought it was just because they were brothers. Only Brian seemed to know for sure, and that's probably because he knew what to look for because he's gay, too.

I don't think I'd mind being gay. It's just that I don't know for sure. Is it all about sex? I haven't had any with a girl yet, so how do I know? Come to think of it, I haven't had any with a boy yet either, but I think I'd like to. More than beat off in the same room I mean. I've done that. With Wayne and Matthew. But we didn't do each other. Matthew has a really cute penis. Or at least it was cute a year ago. I haven't seen it since, not even when we have sleepovers and take showers.

Sometimes I wonder if Matthew hides his for the same reason I hide mine. Is he afraid he'll get hard if he lets me look at it? Or if he looks at mine for a long time? I am. Afraid I'll get hard, I mean. Shoot, being 14 isn’t easy.

Nancy called an hour ago. We talked for most of that hour. She is so sweet. I love her voice. And I can talk to her. Most girls scare me. We're going to a movie this weekend. Her dad's driving us. I'm looking forward to it. We're going to have fun.

January 12
The movie was cool. We held hands. I got hard. I kissed her goodnight after her dad went inside and left us on the porch. She has nice lips. I wonder what Matthew's lips would feel like? Wish I could find out.

January 14
I think I made out for the first time tonight. I went over to Nancy's house. We watched TV with her folks until they went to bed. Then we started kissing. It started out kinda slow, like always, but then Nancy stuck her tongue in my mouth. WOW! I think I heard my underwear rip, it got hard so fast. I wonder why sucking on somebody's tongue does that? I wonder if sucking on Matthew's tongue would do that?

Nancy said it's called French kissing. It could be called cock sucking and I wouldn't care, it made feel so good. Now there's a thought. I wonder if sucking Matthew's cock would make me feel good? I don't know if I'm ready for that.

Anyway, after we French kissed a bunch, Nancy grabbed my hand and put it on her boob. Gosh, they feel awesome, soft, squeezable. I think I got even harder than I already was. I know everything down there started to hurt because my pants were too tight. I kept trying to get into her blouse, but she wouldn't let me. And she wouldn't touch me either. Not down there, anyway. Not where I wanted her to touch me. I've heard some of the older guys on the school bus talk about girls being "prick teasers." It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what THAT means. I wonder if Nancy is one of those.

I wonder if Matthew would touch me down there. Would he let me touch him down there? Would it feel as good as I think it would? He is so wonderful. I like Nancy, and I got really turned on with her tonight, but I kept thinking of Matthew, too. I love him. He's my best friend. Maybe I can talk to him about this stuff. Maybe I'll talk to Wayne first, get some ideas.

January 25
I almost died today! And in more ways than one, too. For real, under the wheels of a truck. And from embarrassment. Here's what happened. Wayne and Matthew and I were out skateboarding and I was showing off when this huge truck started across the intersection at the bottom of this hill we were using. I couldn't stop in time, and I just knew I was gonna be killed. Then all of a sudden, I felt my legs get kicked out from under me and I fell flat on my back on the board. I was so stiff my feet didn't even drag the ground and I just flew under the truck between the front and back tires. Then I hit the hedges in Mr. Bartemus's yard.

I was so scared I just burst out crying. And it wasn't just almost getting killed that scared me. It was not knowing who kicked my legs out from under me. I mean, I felt something hit the back of my legs but there wasn't anybody within 20 feet of me. And when I hit the board hard on my back, my head seemed to bounce off of something soft, almost like a big hand. I could almost feel the fingers on one side of my head. It was really scary.

Then Wayne was all over me, kissing my face all over and crying and dripping tears on me, and all of sudden I found myself kissing him on the lips.

With my tongue!

I got hard.

And Wayne yelled at me.

And Matthew was just standing there staring at me in a way that I knew he'd seen what I'd just done to Wayne. And I think he could see my boner, too. I saw him glance down at my crotch. Then he looked away real quick, like he didn't want me to catch him looking at me. But he had this kind of sad look on his face.

God, I was so embarrassed. I tried to tell him and Wayne it was just an accident. And it was! I know that now. It was Matthew I was thinking about when I kissed Wayne. I was just so happy to be alive, and so happy that Matthew was there. And Wayne's kisses caught me by surprise, and his lips did feel good. So now I know Matthew's lips would feel good. If he ever let me kiss him, that is. I hope he will someday. I love him a lot. I don't know if I want to do sex stuff with him, but I love him.

But Wayne got a boner, too. And I think it bothered him. Then Matthew's mom called him to dinner, and he made a point of asking me if I was going to be OK with what had happened with Wayne. After he left, I almost let the cat outta the bag when I told Wayne I was afraid Matthew would think I had a crush on Wayne. It wasn't so much what I said but how I said it that almost gave me away.

I'm going over to A&W's house tonight to talk to them about what happened. Maybe this is my chance to talk to them about all these mixed-up feelings I'm having. I'll let you know.

Oh, before I leave, I have to tell you, diary, I really love Matthew. I think he was crying, too. He sure looked scared, standing there looking down at me. I wonder if he was crying because it was Wayne kissing me all over and not him. It would be nice if that was the reason. I don't know if I'm gay, but I know I love Matthew. And I hope he likes me that way too. I'd like to have a boyfriend like Wayne does. At least I'd like to be able to treat Matthew the way Wayne treats Andy, holding hands and sitting close and stuff.

January 26 -
HEY DIARY! Boy do I feel good today! That talk I had last night with A&W was great. Now I wish I'd had the guts to talk to them earlier. Andy is so mature for somebody his age. And it's obvious how much he and Wayne love each other. But I guess I have to explain that don't I.

Well, after dinner, I went over to their house. As soon as I got there, the three of us went to the guys' bedroom and sat on their double bed. Not that there's much room to sit anywhere else except on the chair at their computer desk. Wayne seemed kind of nervous, and I thought he might be worried about how Andy would react when he found out what happened. Since it was my fault, I just barged in like I knew what I was doing.

I told Andy what happened, and how I found myself kissing his boyfriend, and how both of us got boners. Then I just kept going. I told them all about my feelings for Matthew and how confused I am about it. I even told them that I sometimes beat off thinking of Matthew. The hard part was trying to explain that I love him but I'm not sure I want to have sex with him. Beyond beating off, I mean. Heck, beatin' off is fun with just about anybody, in my mind anyway.

When Wayne told Andy that he had started kissing me all over because he was so happy I wasn't dead, Andy actually got a little teary. Then Andy said how proud he was that Wayne could feel that strongly about a friend and how proud he was of Wayne as a brother AND as a boyfriend. Then they took each other's hand and just sat there holding hands. It was so cool. I told them I want to be able to sit with Matthew that way.

When Wayne admitted that the sudden French kiss had made him get hard, Andy wasn't upset at all. In fact, he actually smiled and kidded him by calling him his little stud muffin. We talked a lot about boners and how often we get them and all the things that can cause us to get hard, and before we knew it, we were all sporting tents in our pants. A&W started squeezing theirs like we all do when the pressure builds up, so I did too.

Then we talked about what I'd said about not knowing if I wanted to have sex with Matthew. We talked a long time about love and sex and how the two sometimes get all jumbled up. It seems easy for A&W. They love each other AND love sex with each other. But they both feel comfortable with knowing they're gay. I asked if they thought I should ask Matthew to have sex with me to see if it made a difference. I told them that I thought I'd like to try it with him but was scared. A&W were kinda quiet for a minute and I saw Wayne looking at me kind of weird. And Andy was looking at both of us with this kind of "older brother" look.

"What're you scared of Tommy?"

"Well, what if I ask him and he doesn't want to? Or what if he wants to and I chicken out? Or we do it and I don't like it? I'm afraid I'd hurt him and then I'd feel awful. I know I love him, and that kiss with Wayne convinced me I'd like kissing him, but I don't know about the other stuff."

"I don't think you need to worry about that, Tommy. I've been noticing how Matthew looks at you when he thinks you aren't looking at him. If I know my boyfriend, and I do, then I know what that look means. You don't have to worry about him turning you down. I think you ought to talk with him about this, but not until after you guys know if he loves you the way you love him. You gotta get the love thing first, THEN deal with the sex stuff."

"But what if we do it and I don't like it? I'd hate to hurt him. I love him too much."

God, diary, when that popped out, I got as red as a beet. I couldn't look at either one of them.

Wayne and I made arrangements to talk the next day. We met at his house and talked for a long time. I didn't really look at his crotch very much. Every time I did, I thought of Matthew again and what he might look like down there now and how I was still nervous about seeing it and touching it. As we talked about how I love Matthew and why, and how Wayne loves Andy and why. I finally got the courage to ask Wayne what it was like to kiss a dick.

"Tommy," he said, "kissing Andy on the lips is just about the best thing in the world. But kissing his penis is so much different. For me, it's just the most powerful way in the world to tell him how much I love him. I just love making love to his penis with my lips and mouth. But we don't do it very often, and I think that makes it even more exciting when we do."

"But doesn't it make you gag when it hits that little thingy that hangs down in the back of your throat?" I asked.

"Not if you're thinking about it ahead of time and take it real slow. Besides, the few times I've done that to him, I spent most of my time on the top half of it anyway and didn't get down that far. We're not very practiced at it yet, ya know."

"Oh." I hesitated before asking the next question.

"Can I ask you a really personal question?"

"Sure, that's what we're here for, isn't it?"

"Is it hard to swallow Andy's stuff? I mean does it really taste like cinnamon toast?"

Wayne grinned at me with the biggest grin I ever saw, and he had this faraway look in his eyes.

"No, Tommy," he said. "It isn't hard to swallow it. I didn't even have any trouble that first time. It doesn't really taste like cinnamon toast. It tastes as good as cinnamon toast. I really love it, and I love the feelings I get when he shoots. I can't really describe it. I think it's all part of how much I love him. I'm not sure if it would be the same with somebody I didn't love."

"Do you love me?"

"Sure, as a friend, but not like I do Andy."

"Do you think we could maybe do that? I mean do you want to, and would Andy mind?"

"Gee, Tommy, I hadn't really thought that far ahead. But no, I think that’s something you should do with someone you love, the first time, at least."

I had noticed that Wayne used the word penis when he talked about Andy but the word dick when he was talking about some other boy. I asked him about that.

"Shoot, Tommy, I don't know. I guess I never noticed it before. But now that you mention it, just the sound of the word penis is special. It's more personal, more... what's that word? ... inti-something."

"Intimate."

"Yeah, intimate. To me, Andy's tool is a penis. Yours is a dick. When Andy and I do it, I'm making love to his penis. If you and I did it, I'd be sucking your dick. I hope that doesn't hurt your feelings."

"That's ok, Wayne. I kinda feel the same way about Matthew. You know? I really do love him. I'm just not sure I'm gay. I mean, I really have the hots for Nancy, too, but I'm not really in love with her. Not like I am with Matthew."

"Well, I don't know about all that stuff, Tommy. I've never felt any real attraction to a girl, so I don't know where you're coming from with that. But I do know what love feels like, and if you love Matthew, I think you should just tell him the truth."

I went home that night still confused. More informed, but still confused. I was going to have to spend a lot of time getting my head around this.