Are You Christian - 20. Chapter 20

“I want to stay for you,” he said massaging my shoulders deeper now, with more effort.

“Do you know what this means?” Mom asked, “you won’t go to college, you won’t get a degree, you will be burdened by a child with...”

“I can still get a degree Mom,” Stacey interrupted, “I’ve already applied to three schools in North Carolina, this won’t change anything.”

“It changed New York University,” Mom snapped sitting down in the other vacant chair, placing her head in her hands.

“I never got in anyway,” Stacey whispered causing Mom to shoot her another perplexed look.

“What do you mean you never got in?” Dad asked sitting on the couch next to her, putting an arm around her. I watched Mom roll her eyes, it was the first time I ever saw her roll her eyes or do anything like that. I was glad that Dad was comforting Stacey though, it made me feel more relaxed in the room as I had wanted to reach out to her, but was too scared to.

“I lied,” she stammered, “I got the letter just before we left to come here.”

“You could’ve told us the truth, we wouldn’t have...” Dad started but trailed off, looking towards Mom, when she didn’t say anything he started rubbing her back. “We would’ve been accepting of anywhere you wanted to go to college.”

“Why did you lie?” I asked feeling curious, and I thought it was an innocent enough question to ask, but Stacey shot me a look that caused me to look down at Grace as she sucked on her cup that I didn’t even notice she had in her hands.

“Because I wanted to go to NYU so bad,” she answered, “I didn’t want to talk about it at the time, but it doesn’t even matter now.”

“You’re damn right it doesn’t,” Mom huffed still holding her head in her hands. “How far along are you?”

“A few weeks,” Stacey answered and my Dad yanked his hand off Stacey like she had been on fire his eyes wide.

“So you didn’t wait long after meeting Adam, did you?” Dad asked slipping on his words as he spoke. “He didn’t take advantage of you did he?”

“No Dad,” she answered shaking her head, “I probably took advantage of him.”

“Stacey!” He bellowed scooting away from her on the couch. “We taught you that sex was something not to take lightly.”

“Can we stop talking about this?” Stacey asked finally speaking above a whisper. “I mean the sex part, obviously it already happened.”

“How are you going to tell his parents?” Jonathon asked causing everyone of us to look at him. I looked back at Stacey, noticing that she smiled before turning back to look at her hands.

“We already told his parents, they’re excited about having a grandchild,” Stacey responded and Mom let out a sigh.

“Of course,” Mom scoffed leaning back in the chair, reaching up to take down her hair, letting it fall down the sides of her face. “People around here don’t care about college or being poor and divorced before the baby turns two, that’s what will happen to you Stacey.”

“How do you know that?” Stacey asked as she started to cry again. “What if I finish college and Adam and I are still happily married?”

“It’s not what you wanted, you’ve ruined all of that,” Mom countered the fight draining from her voice. The news had been stressful for her and Dad, but I was glad they were no longer yelling.

“I know, but it doesn’t mean I can’t still be happy,” Stacey countered and she absently reached up and caressed her stomach just above her navel.

“How will you go to college and be a mother at the same time?” Dad asked, sounding like he wanted to hear her plans, rather than wanting to judge her yet.

“Me and Adam applied for family apartment housing,” she explained Dad looked thoughtful, but didn’t say anything. “We can pay for it through school loans if we don’t get a lot of money from scholarships.”

“We’ll pay for it,” Dad offered putting his hand on her shoulder. “And we’ll be glad to babysit during finals or when it gets too stressful for you and Adam.”

“Sure, why not raise the baby ourselves?” Mom asked her eyes shooting right through Dad. For once though Dad didn’t seem to be in the mood to back down on what he had promised. I knew it would be him to cave in first, he hated seeing Stacey upset, he always had, she definitely had him wrapped around her finger and it started not long after she was born.

“We will discuss this later,” Dad said still holding his ground on the subject, but he also stood and offered his hand to Mom, who took it and they both walked around us to the kitchen and out the back door. He would be out there trying to calm her down, this was the first time she had looked so lost and out of control, dealing with her own family. Usually it was Dad that needed to be calmed and soothed by her, but not this time.

“Sorry I wasn’t here to defend you,” I whispered and she reached over and patted my knee.

“What are you doing home anyway?” Stacey asked glancing at the clock. “And where are your clothes?”

“I was involved in a minor incident,” I answered keeping my voice down. She looked at me suspiciously, smiling.

“You’re not going to tell me?” She asked still smiling. I could tell she was still worried about what just happened. It would be a while before Mom came around and stopped being angry.

“Me, Gavin, and Lacey got into a minor food fight and we’re suspended Monday,” I explained and Stacey looked over her shoulder.

“You better tell Mom before Monday.” she said, “Sorry about making her so...”

“No worries,” I offered shaking my head, “I deserve any yelling, but it doesn’t matter, the food fight was sort of fun and it was nice slapping Gavin in the face with a piece of nasty pizza.”

“That’s what made me sick, the pizza,” she stammered grimacing. Jonathon had stopped rubbing my shoulders and was looking at me, his eyes amused by the story and I could tell he wanted me to tell him more, but I didn’t want to yet. I would have to tell him that Gavin knew, something I think Jonathon hadn’t noticed yet or remembered from when he talked to him the time he was high. That was also something I wanted to talk to him about, but didn’t want to force the subject out of him. I was too afraid to.

Then the back door opened and slammed shut, then opened again closing gently. I heard Mom’s heels slamming against the hardwood kitchen floor as she appeared in the living room her eyes glaring at me. Jonathon took a step back his hands leaving my shoulders and I held Grace tighter, almost as an after thought. She had figured out that I was home early, and she was silently waiting for me to explain myself, but my throat had gone tight and I realized how much of a chicken I was.

“I skipped last period,” I mumbled and I saw her roll her eyes almost dismissing me, but then her gaze landed back on me.

“My children are heathens,” she huffed, “and where are your school clothes?”

“In my bag,” I answered, “I was in a food fight at lunch.”

“That doesn’t mean you had to miss last period,” Mom said, seeming to calm down, and I glanced at Stacey who leaned back in the couch. She was looking up at Mom half expecting for her to turn the yelling back on her. Dad was standing behind Mom, she blocked his entrance into the living room, and she didn’t move to the side when he gently put his hand on her shoulder letting her know that he was there.

“I kinda started it,” I explained and Mom’s eyes widened. “It was to stop the conversation at the table from going to what Jonathon and I are trying to hide.”

“Why was it being discussed in the first place?” Mom asked, her voice tight, but she wasn’t going to yell. She was starting to fall back into the psychiatrist now, this minor thing she could handle.

“Matt and I have matching black eyes,” I answered and she glanced at Jonathon for a second then sighed.

“I should’ve known better,” Jonathon offered placing his hand back on my shoulder. I reached up with one of my hands and put it on his. It seemed to soften Mom completely, she turned and walked around Dad. Then I heard her open the fridge; she was starting dinner.

“Do you have time to talk?” I asked looking up at Jonathon, he only nodded his head. I handed Grace to Dad as I passed him, Jonathon leading the way to the back door. He opened it awkwardly with his broken hand, and let me pass. I wasn’t nervous dealing with Mom, but my stomach began to tighten, and I felt my hands begin to clam up as I sat down on the bottom stair. He sat beside me, I leaned against his shoulder. He let out a satisfied sigh, I wondered if he ever got nervous or if he took things in stride. It would make it easier if I knew how he would react to what I was going to ask him.

“We’re not talking,” he mentioned, smirking when I looked up at him. He started rubbing my back with the finger tips of his broken hand. It was supposed to calm me, instead it sent small shivers through me.

“Gavin knows,” I whispered and I felt him stop rubbing my back, but he didn’t grow tense in a noticeable way. He usually was easy to read, always living with his emotions on his sleeve, I would hate for that to change about him, it was something I liked, even slightly envied. “He wants me to try and make you patch things up with Matt.”

“That’s probably not going to happen,” he said his voice not strained, or flat. He was still angry with Matt, he probably thought I should be too. I had already expected people to react that way towards us though, so I wasn’t mad, just disappointed that it was Matt. Someone so close to Jonathon when it seemed that Jonathon didn’t have many friends, because of his father. To lose someone so close, his own cousin because of something I brought into his life made it worse. Even if I thought I was someone that Jonathon wanted in his life, I knew I couldn’t replace a best friend, I wouldn’t want to.

“He knows because you told him where you were that summer,” I stammered taking a deep breath when he finally went tense. I looked up and he was looking straight ahead, his mouth tight and his jaw set.

“The only time I get high,” he hissed rolling his eyes. “I tell the one person that would make jokes out of everything.”

“He didn’t seem to want to make a joke out of that,” I countered, I was trying to will my voice to be strong, but calming. I knew I wouldn’t get anywhere with him if he was this upset. He would start closing himself inside. “He seemed upset that it happened to you, if anything.”

“So he doesn’t care that we’re together?” He asked then he started rubbing my back again.

“He’s going to push it out in the open if we don’t patch things up with Matt,” I explained, “he doesn’t want it to tear you guys apart.”

“Why does he care?” Jonathon asked squinting his eyes, he looked like he was trying not to think about it too much, to keep from becoming angry.

“How should I know?” I asked, “I guess he actually cares about you all, even if he doesn’t seem to.”

“Yeah,” he offered and I could tell he didn’t think that was it.

“I mean you guys have been friends for a long time, right?” I asked and he nodded his head, almost stubbornly. I smiled seeing how stubborn Jonathon could become.

“Who knew the little shit actually cared about us,” Jonathon said and he looked down at me. The cuss word didn’t slide from his lips like he thought it would and it seemed foreign coming from him.

“Jonathon, don’t pick up my bad habits.” I joked elbowing him in the side. “So, are we going to talk to Matt?”

“No, I’d rather he tell Kate and Lacey, them two seem like accepting girls.” Jonathon answered, but I could tell he was just trying to avoid talking with Matt still.

“I think Gavin wanted you two to be friends again instead of outing us to everyone,” I explained and his jaw tightened again.

“I don’t really know if Matt and I can be friends anymore, it’s the first time I ever wanted to punch someone, and did it,” Jonathon said, “me and you are now a two for one deal.” I chuckled and he looked at me, his eyebrow cocked wondering what I was laughing at.

“Sometimes you can be so cheesy,” I said, “two for one deal?”

“Well we are!” He countered looping his cast protected arm with mine, he started rubbing his fingers over my hand.

“Please think about talking to Matt,” I said when we both fell silent. I wasn’t going to beg, but I wondered if begging was the only way to break into the stubbornness.

“I’ll think about it, if it will keep Gavin from talking,” Jonathon answered. It was probably all I would get, and it was something he probably wouldn’t put a lot of thought in otherwise. He was already preparing himself to write Matt out of his life completely. He probably didn’t think he would lose a lot more. Not being his friend would also not go unnoticed with his Dad and Matt’s family. They probably spent a lot of time together before I moved into the neighborhood.

“I also think you need to try and spend more time with some of your friends,” I said, “I mean you spend a lot of time with me.”

“They’re your friends too,” he argued, “and I like spending time with you, I can’t do it whenever I want to, Dad doesn’t trust you.”

“Of course he doesn’t,” I stammered trying not to let show how much that bothered me. He wouldn’t like me if he knew the real reason I didn’t sign the petition at church. That what he had spoken against, was me. I may not have been the monster he depicted in his sermon, but I was still someone that he thought shouldn’t exist.

“Dad doesn’t trust a lot of people,” he said, “not even me.”

“So I guess no sleep overs at the Edwards’ house for you,” I said and he snorted rolling his eyes.

“It’s a good thing I out grew sleep overs years ago,” he countered then he raised his eyebrows, “unless you meant something else.”

“No!” I hissed looking behind us to make sure we were still alone, “I think after today any mention of sex would be a bad thing.”

“Do you think your sister will be ok?” Jonathon asked and I shrugged. Stacey would cope with being pregnant, she didn’t seem that upset, like she accepted it already.

“I think now that Mom knows, Stacey will be better,” I answered, “even if Mom doesn’t like the idea, she will help Stacey through it now.”

“That’s what I like about your Mom,” he said, “even things that upset her, she gets over it.”

“Your Mom doesn’t?” I asked and he smiled, I could tell he didn’t want to answer the question though.

“She accepts what ever Dad tells her to accept,” he answered and my stomach turned. I had hoped his Mom would be more accepting of Jonathon, but if what he said was true, she was no better than his Dad. I couldn’t imagine how he felt, not when my parents were so open with me, and willing to discuss things. Everything would seem like a closed and locked box with his parents. What ever his Dad said would be final. It was probably how he ended up in that place, the place he didn’t talk about.

“That’s no way to be,” I said leaning into him again.

“Well it is difficult,” he said then his eyes brightened, “to argue with my father is to argue against God.” His voice sounded a lot like his father’s again and I knew that was something his father said a lot when him and Jonathon had arguments or disagreements.

“Seriously?” I asked and he nodded his head, rolling his eyes.

“What do you say to that?” He asked shrugging his shoulders. “I mean I know what I want to say, that he’s not God, but at that point you probably don’t want to push him off his mountain.”

“He needs to have an argument with my Mom,” I said, “that will fix him a little.”

“I wouldn’t want to be around something like that, I would pee my pants,” Jonathon joked causing me to laugh. When he stopped laughing, I saw Jonathon’s expression change, something had popped into his thoughts, then he turned, catching my eyes studying him. His hand stopped moving over my back, but the rough texture of his cast had caused a tingling feeling to linger.

“What is it?” I asked cocking my eyebrow, he looked mischievous and I wondered just how creative he was.

“You have to do something for me if you want a surprise,” Jonathon started, his voice uncertain that I would agree to his terms. I just looked at him, afraid that he would back out of his quick planning and not tell me. “Sunday night, now that you’re not going to school Monday, you need to sneak out of your house after dark.”

“After all this I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I hesitated looking over my shoulder again, expecting Mom to be listening from an open window, or crack in the back door. It was still closed though, so no one would be able to hear what he had planned.

“But its a good surprise, I think,” Jonathon countered smiling, his eyes bright with confidence. He knew I would like it, and he knew I would hate to turn down the idea.

“Where do I go after I sneak out?” I asked wanting to hear the plan before I tell him my answer. Even if I was already trying to think of the best way to sneak out of my house Sunday night.

“You wait for me,” Jonathon whispered, his voice sent a shudder through me. I could feel his breath with his closeness and his breath smelled like minty chewing gum. A refreshing scent that made my mouth water.

“Ok,” I responded, “I’ll sneak out of the house, it better be good.”

“I know you’ll like my idea,” he stated squaring his shoulders, he was still confident. It made me want to start asking questions. Beg him to tell me what it was, so I wouldn’t have to wait. I was always like this with surprises, when I was younger I would toss and turn all night Christmas eve, even when the magic of Santa no longer existed. It never really existed in the house anyway, Mom forced those childhood fantasies out of our minds at a young age. Probably when her psychology books told her when the appropriate time was.

“About Sunday,” I said not really wanting to think about going to church. “Will you hate me if I didn’t show up at your church?”

“You have to though!” Jonathon hissed, “please, I know you don’t like to, but my fun usually involves something to do with church, if you’re not a member then there are a lot of time I’ll miss spending with you.”

“I thought church was a weekend thing,” I stammered not expecting the outburst.

“No, there’s camps, conventions, we’re planning on going to camp together, right?” Jonathon answered and I looked down at our hands. His hand was a little dirty, he couldn’t wash his hand properly due to the cast, it made his tan skin look darker, and aged.

“Yes, camp,” I answered already regretting spending my summer at a church camp, but it was something Jonathon would have to do every year until he aged out of the classes offered there. Then he would probably have to become a counselor, if his father would allow him to. It made me realize that hiding was going to be a full time thing until we were adults and I could get him away from his home. He may not even want to leave, above everything I could tell he still loved his parents, more his Mom than Dad, but that was understandable. It was his Dad that forced the treatment on him.

“And besides, tomorrow is the end of summer back to school thing,” Jonathon explained, “no formal service, Gloria is in charge.”

“Oh,” I offered not knowing what that was.

“So her and the women of the church cook and bring in their dish for us to eat, there’s also volleyball and stuff,” he added and I sighed. I had already made up my mind to skip, but I wasn’t going to worry about it right now. Not when Saturday still had a chance of being a good day, better than today at least. I wasn’t going to change that.

“I mean really, the worst you’ll have to do is pretend to pray,” Jonathon countered trying to lighten my spirits about having to go. “Although, a healthy prayer won’t hurt you from time to time, just in case.”

“Just in case of what?” I asked my lips tight to keep from smiling.

“Just in case its all real,” he answered rolling his eyes and nudging me with his shoulder. “Even if we’re both already hell bound.”

“We’ll have plenty of company,” I commented causing him to chuckle again.

“I better get home and pretend that I did a lot of chores,” Jonathon said as he stood, he pulled me to my feet with his good hand. “I rushed and did them all this morning right after they left so I could take a nap then come see you.”

“Ok,” I said and he kissed me on the cheek then bounded down the stairs. He looked back and waved before he disappeared around the side of the house. I stepped back inside the house to the smell of dinner cooking, it seemed neglected as Mom was looking over nursery designs with Stacey, and I realized again just how good my parents really were, underneath all of their insanities.

That night I also couldn’t sleep, the surprise kept jumping into my head. I didn’t have to worry about school, as it was a Saturday. My mind seemed to jump to a conclusion though, and it was something that Stacey and I had already talked about. Sex, Jonathon and I will be sneaking out of our homes Sunday night just after dark. We would be alone, where ever Jonathon’s plan would take us, I knew it would be somewhere private. Where we could be ourselves and be alone at the same time. It made my stomach tighten and flutter as I thought about it. I had imagined myself being clumsy and awkward during something like that, but I knew Jonathon wasn’t experienced with it either, even if he did tell me he fooled around a little. It was how he was caught the first time and sent away.

My mind also remembered the good times I already had with him. The fair, when he tried to win me something from every game he played. I smiled when I argued with him over the rabbit, he would’ve won me that too, but I didn’t want to care for a rabbit. I looked over at the gold fish in the window, the only light in my room coming from it. I could see the fish swimming in his bowl, it had grown larger. I had expected it to already be dead, I couldn’t remember if I ever even fed him, but someone has been. Then the night we spent in the tree together. It would’ve been the perfect night for us to get the sex thing out of the way, thinking back on it. I didn’t think either of us were ready then. Not after the talk I had with Dad just before I left to spend my first night with him. I just knew that even if what he had planned would be limited to this small town, that I will enjoy it. I will enjoy it because of him.